


The Sky and Guilt Are the Only Feelings I Have Left

by oopsthisisqueertoo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Additional Tags To Be Added As Story Progresses, Aged-Up Character(s), Akaashi is a shit, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety, Blow Jobs, Bokuto is a sunflower and no one is taking that from me, Consensual Sex, Cutting, Demisexual Akaashi Keiji, Depression, Everyone Is Gay, Existential Crisis, Explicit Language, Fluff, Hospitalization, Isolation, M/M, Masturbation, Multi, Mutual Pining, Nihilism, Panic Attacks, Pill popping, Polyamory, Rimming, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Threesome, are you going to murder me? shit ongoing joke it’s a thing now, attempted pill overdose, but you're going to have a bad time if you're here for the fluff, main character suicide attempt, mention of non-main character death, mention of non-main character suicide, mention of rape of a main character, must be at least level 7 friend to unlock, semi-graphic description of non-main character suicide, suicide attempt recovery, suicide planning, tragic backstory for Bokuto
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2018-12-06 17:53:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 215,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11605827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oopsthisisqueertoo/pseuds/oopsthisisqueertoo
Summary: Akaashi is at his wits end. He feels nothing. He's quickly crumbling as a human being. He wants nothing but sweet release of death. In his fourth year of college he drafts a plan for his suicide. He is to graduate, publish writing for others to be inspired by, and slip quietly away. Shortly after, he meets a dog walker named Bokuto who asks him out and Akaashi reluctantly agrees. Nothing matters anymore and he treats Bokuto like an obligation. Until he's not anymore.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is about mental illness and suicide! Read the tags! If you're unsure, check my profile and send an email.

_Have you really ever watched the sky? Actually taken the time to admire it? Not looking at a picture on your phone, or through a camera, or even the damn window. Just you and the sky. No barriers. The great big unknown mass stretched as far as the eye can see. Inviting you to sink into it. The new world just beyond your fingertips begging to be explored._

_Sunrise. Sunsets. Just lying in a field watching the clouds drifting along. Birds screaming across the sky. Watching the stars spin. The dark grey clouds when it rains mingled with others. I always thought I’d never get tired of looking at the sky. As long as I have that I can survive. That one thing._

_It called to me. Gave me solace in a cold world that offered none._

_Turns out, I was wrong._

* * *

 

“Keiji. Keiji.”

Akaashi could hear his mother’s voice calling to him. His vision slowly came back into focus.

“Are you feeling okay, sweetie?”

Lifting his eyes up, Akaashi could see his mother leaning over the table peering at him. Her lips, painted a beautiful red, were in-between her teeth in worry.

“Ah. Sorry, mother. I just—”

_Wait. What was I doing again? Where are we again?_

Akaashi took a quick survey of his surroundings. Food on the table. Restaurant. Parents sitting across the table.

_Celebration dinner._

“—caught up in thinking how much I look forward to joining father next year at the firm.” He pauses and offers an insincere smile. “There’s no need to waste your new designer lipstick worrying over me.”

Wide smiles.

_Correct answer._

Chatter starts back up between his parents. His mother has her hair styled in an up-do and is wearing a designer gown with a plunging neckline. His father is in a suit. Around them is an upscale restaurant. Something that would’ve required reservations at least a month in advance. Several servers are ready to attend to guest’s beck and call all dressed in identical pristine suits.

Akaashi felt uneasily out of place. An imposter among the eloquent. A thief among kings biding his time. A demon among angels. He felt his hand reflexively tighten around the utensil he was holding. Metal bit back at his palm. Wincing, he brought his eyes toward his hand.

_A fork?_

For, perhaps the first time that evening, Akaashi pulled his mind from the self-survival auto-pilot mode he operated on when in public and actively took in his surroundings.

_American restaurant. Steak. Only a few bites eaten. Mom and Dad have finished eating. We’ve been here-_

Akaashi checks the extravagant watch adorned on his left wrist that his father had gifted him for completing his third year as the top student in his department.

_-at least an hour and a half?_

He gently sets the fork down and places his hands in his lap. Fingers scurry to tear at each other. Warm liquid soon tingles on his fingertips. A server approaches and he slowly places the cloth napkin over his hands. They look toward them and Akaashi gives a slight bow as answer to a question they’d asked he’d not heard. They don’t seem to mind and continue on.

“Keiji, isn’t that right?”

That series of sounds registered in Akaashi’s brain as words being emitted from his father.

“Yes, father.” Akaashi automatically replies solemnly.

More wide smiles and excited chattering. The correct response again.

Akaashi glanced back down at his plate. If he didn’t eat anything, his parents would surely ask questions or scold him for wasting food. Sighing internally, he tentatively picks his fork back up and takes a bite of steak. He knows it’s good quality. It’s hard to find a meal in Japan that isn’t good quality. As he chews though, he can’t tell the difference between it and chewing a pillow. It reminds him of the nightmares he has about there being soft, cotton-like rocks in his mouth followed by the compulsive desire to vomit repetitiously in his sleep.

He sets his fork back down after managing to force himself to swallow one bite.

_How long has it been since food tasted good?_

“Something wrong with your dinner, dear?” Akaashi’s mother looks over with a concerned face, teeth tugging at that brilliantly painted lip again.

Akaashi pulls a lazy half smile for his mother.

“It’s perfect, mother. Just a little tired, is all. Sorry to make you keep wasting your lipstick on me.”

_Stop it. I’m not worth your worry._

“Ah. Well that’s to be expected I guess. You’re doing so much. Make sure you’re eating and sleeping properly!” she exclaims with a smile.

She was proud. So, so proud of him.

It hurt Akaashi.

He was nothing to be proud of. He couldn’t even go to dinner with his parents without making his mother worry.

_I’m a useless son._

His father’s loud chuckle pulls him from ruminating.

_Maybe I should pay attention. I can at least do that for my parents._

“. . . Oh, and I’ve decided I want to change the curtains in the kitchen.”

His mother.

“I can’t wait for Keiji to finish his last year at university. Then he can begin to learn how to take over the company.”

His father.

“Oh! I’m so excited! Keiji’s going to do such a good job! Maybe you’ll get to retire early!”

“Ahahaha. As if you could pry me from . . .”

Akaashi stopped listening again. It was always like this. Akaashi loved his parents. They weren’t bad people. It’s just-

-he also hated them. They were everything he despised. Vapid. Hard-working bees. Small minded. Eternally happy. So cheerful. Like they had never experienced remorse or despair in their lives.

Akaashi envied them. He’d never been able to be like that. He always worried. Nothing was ever good enough. Nothing was ever perfect. No matter how hard he tried.

Unlike his parents, he always failed.

He could never be perfect like them.

He was a failure.

Akaashi was caught between envy and hate. A fly in a spider’s web with a death wish while its survival instincts fired like alarms as the spider approached to devour him.

“. . . and then we could go to that place . . . “

 _Boring_.

“  . . .  what about the . . .”

 _Boring_.

“. . . and I just think that would be . . . “

 _Boring_!

Everything. Everything was boring. It wasn’t just his parents. It was school. It was his part time job. It was his friends. It was his prospects.

It was life.

It was everything.

Nothing excited him anymore. At this point he was just going through the motions every day. He did what was expected out of him either out of habit or because he felt that if he didn’t complete the obligations he had the guilt would physically crush him.

Guilt had already killed the person known as Akaashi Keiji. The only one that mourned the loss of Akaashi Keiji was the half-living shell of a person he’d left behind to continue his duties.

He glanced back up at his parents. They were still going on about something. Something insipid. He squinted his eyes as he watched them interact.

_Is life always going to be like this?_

Akaashi’s mind reaches out to find a time when life wasn’t like it was now. A time when life was lighter. Softer. A time where he was content just to exist.

He can’t remember when such a place was real. He knows it must have existed at some point, that it’s not something he could’ve made up, but it’s far from his grasp.

_I feel nothing._

A welling of emotion rises in Akaashi’s stomach. Tears start to gather at the corners of his eyes. He’d become adept at pushing them down years ago. And so he does.

No reason to concern his parents further.

_I want nothing._

“Keiji are you excited to start your last year at university?” His father enthusiastically almost shouts at him. He is excited. He, too, is proud of Akaashi. Blindingly so.

_No._

“Yes, father. It will be a good year.” Akaashi replies automatically. It was the same automatic reply he gave to anyone who asked him about school. Since Akaashi was the top student in the business program no one ever seemed to need any other response.

_I don’t want to keep living like this._

“I wouldn’t expect anything less than that from you!” his father cheered in response.

Akaashi’s heart twanged at the response.

_Why? Why can’t he see that was just a cold, empty response? Why can’t he see I’m screaming internally? Why can’t he see I’ve lost it? That I’m tearing everything apart in here? You raised me. You should know me. You should know I’m in pain. You should know it’s all lies._

“Keiji we’re so proud of you.” his mother added.

_Why? I’ve done nothing to be proud of. My existence is shameful. I’m shameful._

Guilt flooded Akaashi’s body _._

_I’ve done nothing for you to be proud of and I never can. It’ll never be good enough. I’m a burden to the Akaashi name. I can only disappoint you._

“We really are son. We couldn’t ask for a better child. We love you.” finished his father.

_Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?_

“Thank you. Mother. Father. I know you do.” Akaashi mustered with an attempt of a smile. He can’t bring himself to say it back. He swallows the urge to. Why lie to them? His parents are used to his reserved manners and make no mention of it.

_It doesn’t always have to be like this. Does it?_

Akaashi’s own inner voice answers him in a sweet, seductive purr. The devil offers relief to the demon.

_It doesn’t. There’s a way. You won’t have to feel pain anymore. You can stop being a disappointment to everyone around you._

Akaashi shuddered at the thought.

_How?_

_Kill yourself. Take your life. It’s the only way._

A wave of relief poured over Akaashi as he contemplated his death.

_No more pain._

_No more suffering._

Akaashi gazed through the table in front of him. He couldn’t contain the grin that spread across his face. It was the only genuine smile he’d had in months.

_Finally. I’ll be free._


	2. Chapter 2

_Have you really ever watched the sky? Actually taken the time to admire it? Not looking at a picture on your phone, or through a camera, or even the window. Just you and the sky._

_What about from standing on the rail of a bridge? Nobody’s around. The sun is peeking over the horizon. The sky is a soft blue. It’s calm. Comforting. The first rays start to come into view and yellows, pinks, oranges, and purples drift onto the skyline entangling with each other in a way that no art could ever imitate. For a moment, you’re overjoyed that this will be the last thing you ever see._

* * *

 

Akaashi glared at the computer screen. It bit back at his eyes in protest from his lecherous insistent staring. His reading glasses took the computers side and squeezed at Akaashi’s head, making his brain throb in agony. It pulsated in time with the blinking cursor on the blank screen. Akaashi wearily pushed his glasses up and rubbed the bridge of his nose where they’d been pinching.

He’d been working for hours. Scouring through textbooks, typing up notes, completing assignments. Akaashi felt drained. Not just the ordinary type of tired, but utterly empty of anything that was remotely fun or joyous. He glanced toward the clock.

**3:25 AM**

Akaashi slowly blinked and tossed his glasses on the table. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept. Two, no maybe three days ago? Since it was so late already, he was committed to staying up yet another day.

It was already two weeks into the new term. Unsure of how to approach his new plan he’d continued with everyday life as though there was no plan. This meant ensuring his grades were perfect. Not good, but perfect.

_It’ll be better for everyone if I continue as normal and make it look like an accident._

That was the plan. That was the best thing to do for all parties that had to be involved with him. Despite this, Akaashi was having difficulty committing to that plan.

_Why do my grades matter? I’ll be dead soon. It won’t make a difference if I was first in class when I’m nothing but ashes and a distant unpleasant memory._

No. Grades weren’t going to save him. Grades weren’t going to give him something worth living for. They wouldn’t even provide him with temporary satisfaction or relief. They only provided him with something else to be guilty of. A permanent marker of his incompetence.

Akaashi glanced back at the screen. He’d been working on some accounting spreadsheet for hours now. He still hadn’t gotten it to even out. It didn’t help that Akaashi’s mind felt like he was simultaneously running two very separate browser tabs inside his own brain. It all felt grey, hazy. Like seven different songs were playing at the same time.

_When was this even due, again?_

He caught himself wandering.

_What day was it even?_

He clicked the tab in the bottom of the computer.

**Wednesday May 3 rd, 2017**

So, Wednesday. This was due Friday. It could wait. Akaashi pressed the power to the computer and stiffly raised himself from his chair. His body hurt. He’d been leaning over for hours without getting up for breaks or to stretch. He’d been tense for hours. His head, now with his blood rushing from standing up, pulsated harder. Akaashi glanced toward his unmade bed. A nap. A nap is what he needed. He shuffled over and let himself fall on the bed face down. He laid there with his torso resting on the bed, legs hanging off, and face pressed firmly into the surface, breathing into the sheets. A brief thought that he should change clothes and actually get comfortable crossed his mind. He decided against it, as he drifted off to sleep within minutes.

**. . .**

Akaashi woke with a jolt and a pain quickly spreading in the back his head. He slowly opened his eyes to see his bed and ceiling above him.

_Ah. I fell out of bed._

The sun seeped into the room and flooded it with light causing Akaashi to cover his eyes with his arm.

_Why was is it so bright? Isn’t it way too early to be this bright? Why am I up before my alarm?_

_My alarm._

_I didn’t set it last night._

Akaashi raised his arm a couple inches from his face and looked back toward the window. It was bright. It had to be at noon already.

Akaashi groaned and placed his arm back on his face. He wasn’t going to make it to classes today. He could potentially make it to his afternoon class, but—. He faltered mentally. What was the point, really? He’d just tell his professors he was sick later. As long as his grades were high, no one would bother him about attendance too much. Thankfully, he had years of hard work that had put an impression on his professors. An idealization of the person Akaashi is so that when he slipped a little, nobody ever seemed to notice.

_No. Person I pretend to be._

His reputation as a serious scholar protected him now. Eventually, the gig would be up, but for now it kept him safe and allow him some freedom.

As he slowly drifted back to sleep, he began to feel the guilt rise up in him like bile. His professors expected him to show up. They’d be disappointed that he couldn’t take class seriously enough. His parents would disapprove if they knew he was skipping class without a viable excuse. This isn’t something a responsible and diligent student would do.

Akaashi jerked over to his right side, away from the window. His breathing was picking up and his hands picked at themselves unintentionally.

_What will they think?_

The thought permeated Akaashi’s entire body. He began to tremble slightly. He felt as if he could burst into tears at any moment. He felt like screaming. Oh, god. He felt like screaming so much. He felt like if he screamed, if he allowed himself to throw caution to the wind, he would break. Just snap in two and end everything. No more existence.

Akaashi held on to that feeling for a while paralyzed in fear. Fear of breaking. Fear of not breaking. Fear of existing. His guilt swirled around inside him. Still refusing to give in to exhibiting emotion, anything human, Akaashi picked himself from the floor and slithered under the covers of his bed.

_No. I can’t go to class. Not like this. Not today. I’m sick._

_None of that stuff will matter soon anyway. I’m just keeping up appearances._

**_. . ._ **

Akaashi drifted in and out of a restless slumber for hours, too paralyzed to get up, but too guilty to sleep. After what he assumed was around 4 PM and classes would be over, he finally decided to get out of bed. It’d be okay to be up then. To be done being sick.

His stomach gave a particularly painful pang in hunger. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten. His body fought against him. It was one of the few things that could still sometimes motivate him. At least temporarily.

Begrudgingly, Akaashi shuffled out of his bed and headed through his studio apartment toward the kitchen area. His apartment was small. Tiny, to be precise. He lived in an apartment complex near the university. It was one of those not-campus-housing-but-only-has-students-living-in-it types of place. Technically, Akaashi could have been living in actual campus apartments, which were more spacious and exponentially nicer as it was a well-established and reputable university, but that required him to have a roommate. Akaashi, while ever the icon of politeness and political correctness, couldn’t bear to live with a roommate. It was far too exhausting to continually socially interact with another human being whom he cared naught for. Before Akaashi had made the change to his studio apartment, his last roommate had riddled him with insults about being antisocial, a fun-sucker, and a moron. He still felt a rush of panic anytime he saw someone with the same hair style as his ex-roommate.

Akaashi peered inside what was supposed to be a fridge. A fridge is typically used to store food that needed to be kept cool so it would not perish or begin to grow molds or other microscopic organisms that are potentially harmful and/or fatal to the human body. Inside this self-titled fridge, though, only rested a half-empty bottle of green tea, probably expired, and the box of leftovers Akaashi’s parents had forced him to bring home weeks ago. Akaashi didn’t dare to lift the lid. A microscopic society could have built an entire civilization since he’d put it in the fridge. He didn’t know if he was capable of social interaction today.

Akaashi gently pushed the fridge door closed (as not to disturb the microscopic civilization), glanced at the freezer door, bypassed it, and decided to open a cabinet that was designated for food storage. Inside the food selection wasn’t much better than the fridge. Inside sat a couple of packages of instant noodles, a small bag of unopened rice, and one lonely packet of instant miso soup mix.

_At least there’s something edible here._

Akaashi opted for the instant noodles since it was the easiest and quickest thing to make.  He sat on the floor eating, not opting for a cushion, chair, or even the bed. As he chewed, he looked out the balcony glass door. It was a one of those large glass doors that led to a balcony that was only big enough to stand on. His apartment was a few stories up so he could see the sun as it began its descent in the sky.

The sky. Ah, the sky. The sky was something Akaashi could stare at for hours. It was one of the last few remaining enjoyments he still possessed. The time of day or weather couldn’t affect the sky’s beauty. It was always so beautiful and so vast. Something utterly perfect. Akaashi stared at the sun gracefully making its descent in the sky. It was beginning to change the sky to a vibrant orange. Pinks were beginning to be produced. Purple’s were on the brink of being introduced. Akaashi stared like they were the only colors he’d ever experienced in his life. A chilling calmness, a peacefulness, passed over him.

Too soon, it was over. The sun had set and it was night. The city covered the stars and only darkness and city lights reigned. Akaashi looked down. He had only eaten half of his noodles. Putting the cold noodles aside, he stood up and stretched. Briefly glancing up at the time, he saw that it was already past 9 PM

_Another day wasted_.

He looked around his room and at himself. It was a mess. He was a mess. When was the last time he’d even bathed? Akaashi’s body still hurt, either from sleeping or from cramped positions from school work.

_A bath sounds nice._

**_. . ._ **

Akaashi sank down into the steamy bath water. It burned his skin. It was way too hot, but the pain felt nice. It hurt, but the pain was better than the nothingness that Akaashi was so used to.

His let his mind wander. That was allowed in the bath. There weren’t assignment or chores or people to please there.

He had decided that he would take his life a little over a month ago, but he’d yet to begin taking care of his affairs. His mind was fuzzy when it came to many things. It had been that way for a long time now. He couldn’t form a concrete decision easily. It wasn’t just in regard to his own suicide. He sometimes would stop what he was doing for thirty minutes or so just to debate a simple decision because he couldn’t get past his own indecisiveness. He just froze and grappled back and forth. Sometimes it was simple things like what to eat when he actually indulged in consuming food or what to do with some free time he had. Usually his indecisiveness led him to doing nothing except sitting there contemplating. It was debilitating.

Akaashi was sure that he wanted to die. But. Japan had beaten a sense of societal duty into him. He felt that there were certain obligations he must fulfill first and he wasn’t entirely sure where to even begin. This wasn’t something he had much experience in. There were a few guidelines that he wanted to abide by. He had to make it as easy as possible for his parents. It had to look like an accident. He couldn’t leave any debts or obligations pending. He couldn’t tarnish the University or the Akaashi name. And, lastly, he wanted to complete and distribute a few books of his own creation before he left. Akaashi was firm in belief that he had no options left but death, but he didn’t believe this was the case for anyone else. He would write something to urge others to live, something to bring magic into people’s lives, something that contained a philosophy of how people should live. Something that took pain away from someone else’s life since he couldn’t do it for himself. It would be a building block for societal reformation. After all the obstacles were cleared, Akaashi felt that he could easily go through with his plan.

He knew his parents would be devastated by his death no matter how it happened, but it would be far worse for them to have to _know_ it was suicide. It would have to look like an accident. They’d never forgive themselves if it were any other way.

Financial obligations wouldn’t be an issue. Akaashi’s school was covered by scholarship. This amount had been extraneous and was also a sufficient amount to pay for his housing as well. Akaashi worked part time to afford food and other necessities, but aside from that, he had no financial obligations to have concern for.

_No. Wait._

Akaashi frowned. His parents would have to pay for funeral expenses. Plus, there is a possibility that the university may want money from his parents if he didn’t graduate.

_Well. That changes the plan slightly._

_I’ll have to graduate then. Maybe go on a prolonged vacation after and just slowly fade away into a tragic accident? Get lost at sea or disappear on a mountain. The added time will also give me time to save money to pay for funeral expenses._

As far as other obligations, there would be no problem. He would quit his job in a timely manner citing graduation and travel as reason, give notice of his leaving his residence for the same reasons, pack his things to be returned to his parents, and sell or donate what they would have no use for. He had no friends so he wouldn’t have to worry about returning borrowed items or causing concern in other people.

The only thing left to worry about was the writing.

The writing caused the most uneasiness for Akaashi. He’d never written anything artistic or at such a large scale before. He’d spent the last three years in business school hell where creativity was finding an inelegant solution to a problem. There hadn’t been need for personal opinion or integration of the humanities or culture. Not in his department, at least.

That type of work wouldn’t do here. Akaashi wanted, needed, this work to be important. It had to be well thought out, elegant, and meaningful. It had to be perfect. He had to produce something that held a bit of truth. A modicum of what humans scurried around searching for, but could never find.

Akaashi had no idea where to start and the indecisiveness made it worse. Sighing, he lifted himself from the bath. The water had gone cold long ago and being in the bath had become unappealing. It was boring and was giving him too much time to think and stress.

As he dried off, he peered at himself in the mirror. He was thin. The outlines of his ribs were becoming more predominant every day. His hair was getting too long. It was messy normally, but it had been months since his last haircut. It was covering his eyes and he had to brush it to the side in order to see. His grey eyes looked dead. It was a wonder how they still worked. Perhaps the most unnerving part of his body though, was an unclean scar at the top of his left thigh. Although old, it had a red color to it still, practically begging to be noticed. It’d been the only time Akaashi experimented with physical self-harm. He’d picked the spot very meticulously. The only time anyone would ever notice it was if he was entirely naked. The chances of that happening were unlikely, at best. It was positioned just so that he could use running into something sharp as excuse if anyone ever did ask. It ran vertically up his leg, beginning just where high thigh and hip connected. It was only about four inches long, but it was a quarter of an inch thick. The object he’d used hadn’t been small, after all. Akaashi hated that scar. It was ugly and the pain he’d suffered to acquire it didn’t make him feel better at all. After that one attempt, he knew that physical self-harm wasn’t for him. Instead Akaashi didn’t eat or sleep properly and drowned in self-depreciating thoughts. In guilt. That was his style of self-harm.

Tearing his eyes from his sickly body, Akaashi got dressed quickly and walked out to his room. Writing was all he needed to focus on. Writing, saving for his funeral expenses, and graduating were all that mattered any more.

Akaashi hunched over his computer and opened a new document. His hands paused over the keyboard.

_Incapable of even working on your suicide writing. Despicable._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! 
> 
> I just wanted to make a quick note about actually getting response to this. I am eternally grateful to anyone who has taken time out to read my writing and to those who have given me kudos! I am humbled. I kind of anticipated to post my work and have absolutely no one read it, or have lots of negative responses. So, thank you so very much! I believe that this work will get exponentially better as it continues and I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> This is the last chapter that will focus solely on Akaashi. Sorry, if he's boring to just read about alone, but I wanted to set the tone for how Akaashi functions, or there lack of, in this AU. Honestly, I feel that Akaashi is all of us in some ways, and I feel for him, so I'm blind to his faults. Let's just call it a parent's love?

_I had hoped one day I’d be able to fall into the sky. For it just to swallow me up, forever erasing the mere thought that I existed anywhere else but in the sky._

_The longer I live though, the more I was reminded that I am but lowly land scum._

_A literal mark on the Earth_

* * *

 

Akaashi scrunched up his nose. The curser blinked back at him on the screen. Every blink felt like an obscenity shouted at him _._

_Why are you so stupid?_

Blink _._

_Did you really think you can create something beautiful and meaningful?_

Blink.

_Something clear and insightful that will take people’s breath away?_

Blink.

_Who do you think you are?_

Blink.

_You think you’re someone special?_

Blink.

_Why are you even trying?_

Blink.

_Just end your life now._

Blink.

Akaashi felt the curser feed these thoughts into his brain as if he were wired to the computer as well. An automatic recital of every insecurity he ever possessed with each blink. For free.

He pinched his nose and let out an exasperated sigh. Writing, so far, had been difficult for him to say the least. Akaashi had started actual writing a couple weeks ago and, although he’d created a general outline of what it is he wanted and several pages of writing, the soul of the work just hadn’t reared itself yet. It all felt bland to him.

Stiff. Robotic. Seemingly like himself.

_Maybe I must do something to earn my brain’s trust? Maybe bond with it somehow. . . Or maybe I just don’t have enough badges?_

Akaashi pondered on this briefly, but decided that type of thought was outlandish.

_No way children’s cartoons would show him how to be a great Pala—. No, that’s not right. Maybe Poke—. No, that’s not it either.  Writer. Yeah. That_.

Sleep deprivation was really starting to cloud his already severely muddled thinking capabilities.

_Maybe that’s just how I write. Terribly with no hope for growth. No ability to improve._

_Oh, God._ _What if my writing turns out to be another physical manifestation of myself? If people read it there would probably be mass suicide in Japan._

Akaashi’s breath hitched. His heart began palpitating.

_Wait. I’m assuming people would even read my work._

Akaashi’s breath stopped. He’d managed to depress himself again. At risk of pouring his depression into his work and somehow accidently convincing the meager amount of Japan’s citizens that might actually give his work a glance into mass suicide, he decided to call it a day.

Although writing had been frustrating for Akaashi, he was enjoying it immensely. So much so that it surprised and terrified him. The days had gotten lighter somehow. Things like going to class had gotten slightly easier. Although, in a way, they’d also gotten harder. Akaashi always found inspiration when he was in class. Never from the actual class material itself, but just from being in class. Being able to let his mind drift and observe the people around him. He’d begin planning a part of one of his books by jotting down a few notes, and before he could finish, class would be over and he’d feel a loss because it wasn’t the same. He didn’t mind so much that he was subjectively missing class time, but the fact that this did occur, mystified him.

Since he’d began writing, he’d been almost consistently attending class and a better half of his assigned school work was completed. While this wasn’t anywhere near the vigor and dedication he had years ago, it was a vast improvement from the end of his third year and the beginning of his current fourth year. There wasn’t a stark difference between all the variations of Akaashi’s effort, he looked like a sickly intellectual student to an outsider, but it was glaringly obvious to Akaashi and the expectations he had for himself.

But this all was strange. Just putting a few words down on paper or planning for a while seemed to make his mind less fog filled. He felt like school was okay. Like the world around him hurt slightly less.

Akaashi looked over at the time.

**4:25** **PM**

_Ah. I’ve spent all day today writing. It probably is a good time to take a break_.

Akaashi’s thoughts were momentarily interrupted by the sound of growling coming from his torso.

_And eat, I suppose._

Akaashi cracked open his fridge. The only thing that remained were the leftovers from that American restaurant and perhaps the highly advanced civilization still residing inside it, assuming they hadn’t launched war on themselves. Akaashi shuddered and swiftly shut the door.

_And buy some groceries apparently._

**. . .**

Akaashi couldn’t remember the last time he’d left his apartment for something other than school or work. He just didn’t see the point of leaving when there was nothing remotely interesting to see or do. Plus, people stressed them out. They always wanted _things._ They expected conversation and social eloquence. For Akaashi to add something novel and exciting to their interaction. Akaashi had the energy or care for none of those things.

Then there were those _other_ people. The people who sought Akaashi out in hopes to win him over or had some other insipid idealism regarding relationships. Despite Akaashi being unable to properly care for himself most of the time (there were times where he could function as a normal human being), he was still attractive. Men and women would seek him out in hopes to get close to him despite his unhidden indifference to such matters. Akaashi didn’t typically realize when people were doing this until after the interaction, but he couldn’t be bothered by them unless the person was especially insistent. He didn’t see the point of sharing time with other people. It was tiresome. It was boring. Everyone always said the same types of things, just different variations. Akaashi didn’t speak much, or smile much for that matter, but some people just insisted on spending time with him. He figured that these people were thinking purely with their genitals. He couldn’t understand that either. Sure, he could tell when a person was attractive, but he didn’t feel a burning heat to mate copiously with another person. It’d always been like this. When he was younger, he’d experimented some with a few various people, but it mostly felt ridiculous. He’d be in some sexual position and be too worried about how he looked, what sound he was or wasn’t making, or was too worried about why his brain was still functioning at full rational capacity instead of him being swept away with carnal desire. No. People weren’t for him. He didn’t need anyone else and had already accepted that for the rest of his short life he would prefer to be alone. He’d spent years rationalizing that he was a different breed of human. He just couldn’t understand what most deemed as normal human interaction, no matter how much he racked his brain around it.

Akaashi hurried to the convenience store. It was Sunday night, so convenience store food would have to do. If he didn’t hurry, he might not even get that.

As the automatic door opened, he was greeted by a short man with bright orange hair.

“Good evening!” he shouted enthusiastically at Akaashi, practically bouncing at his position behind the counter.

This was one of those people that Akaashi couldn’t deal with. Didn’t want to deal with. The type of person that always wanted to talk incessantly about anything and everything that crossed their mind while Akaashi just had to stand there enduring their insipid banter pretending to listen until he worked up enough courage to excuse himself.

Akaashi gave the clerk a curt nod, grabbed a basket near the entrance, and swiftly turned into the closest aisle away from the clerk. He had to pick out food quick and get out of there before the clerk assumed he had time to waste on mindless chatter.

He grabbed up a few various things, including more instant noodles, some pastries, a bento, several various rice balls, and some karaage as he briskly walked up and down each aisle.

_That should probably hold me for a couple more weeks. Maybe I’ll add something to drink and call it a day._

As he approached the drink section near the back of the store, another employee came into view. He was slightly shorter than Akaashi, but fairly built, and wore his hair shaved. There were several piercings in each ear. His face looked like it was perpetually snarling. He was leaned over the counter where a couple of soda fountain machines sat. One was opened and he was tinkering with its insides. Beads of sweat were beginning to roll down the man’s head either from heat or frustration. He cussed softly to himself as he tinkered with the machine.

“Oi! Hinata I ought to kick your ass! How do you always break this thing?” He roared into the machine as he jostled some of its innards.

“Tanaka Senpai I’m so sorry!” the boy from the front of the store shouted, “I don’t know! I just touched it and it went shhhpeewww! Then it stopped!”

Akaashi slipped the door to the cooled drinks open silently, his eyes studying the man now known as Tanaka, and grabbed a large bottle of green tea.

“That doesn’t even make any sense! The boss is going to have both of our jobs if I can’t fix this before our shift ends!”

Hinata whimpered from his place behind the register. “Tanaka-san, I’m begging you! Please pull off some of your magic or something!”

_This has nothing to do with me._

Akaashi silently closed the door and backed away from the man before he could realize there was anyone near. He slowly walked to the front of the store, picking up some chips on a whim as he passed by. As he approached the counter the small boy’s attention went from the drink machine and directed itself on Akaashi. His face lit up in an exuberant smile. Akaashi could practically see stars and sparkles surrounding him.

“Did you find everything you needed?” he screeched as he began scanning Akaashi’s items.

“Yes, thank you.” Akaashi replied quietly hoping to deter the boy from speaking again.

“Say . . .” the boy began.

_Dammit._

“Are you okay?” The boy’s head kind of tilted making him look like a confused puppy. “You seem kinda down. Like inside you’re all ppphhewww.” His hands made as if he was deflating a balloon. His face looked serious now. More like a stern confused puppy. He had an intimidating look in his eyes. They were frightening, like his eyes should belong to the other man in the back of the store instead of this child sized body.

“I’m fine.” Akaashi murmured, slight irritation bubbling up.

“Ah! Sorry!” A childish air returned to the boy. His eyes became his own again. “I guess it’s not really any of my business, huh?” he laughed. “Anyway, your total is ¥1750.”

Akaashi paid the boy and gathered his bags without another word.

“Have a good evening!” the boy shouted at him brightly and loud as ever.

_What is he, the sun?_

Akaashi approached the door, but stopped short.

“Those machines . . .” he started.

“Huh?”

Akaashi turned halfway around so he could partially face the boy. “Those machines. If you reset it, the lights that flash when it comes back on will give an error code. It may help you figure out what is wrong with it.”

“HUUUHHHH? WHAAAT? THANK YOU SO MUCH!”

Akaashi was fairly certain he was partially deaf now. With no idea of how to respond that that, he did a half bow and resumed his exit from the store. He could hear the boy rushing around the counter running toward the other boy screeching “TANAKA-SAAAN”.

Well. That wasn’t the worst trip to the store he’d ever had. Maybe he could even write about those two. They seemed like polar opposites. A child and a delinquent. No. The child was no child on a mental level. Only in behavior. And the guy who looked like a delinquent had to be more than that too. He was, after all, struggling to fix the machine that the other boy had allegedly broken. They weren’t just empty shells of people. They had depth to them.

**. . .**

By the time Akaashi walked back to his apartment he was exhausted. He heated part of the karaage and ate it with a rice ball, sitting cross-legged in his chair at his computer. He typed notes of the two men at the convenience store while he ate. He didn’t know what he wanted to do with that information, if anything, but he felt it could make good reference material.

The food and writing rejuvenated Akaashi some. He glanced toward the clock.

**9:25 PM**

It was surprisingly early still. Akaashi looked back at the reference material he’d been working on. Deciding it was complete, he saved and shut his computer down for the night. He picked up his plate from dinner and some trash he’d had just piled on the floor. He hadn’t cleaned in months. His floor consisted of dirty clothes, instant noodle cups (some still with noodles), and old school papers. Looking around, he grabbed a few more bits of trash within reach until it was difficult to reasonably hold more, and stood up to throw it away.

_Well. That’s enough cleaning for now. I’ll do the rest later. I mean. I’ll have to clean it all up before the year is out._

Akaashi felt strangely proud of himself for picking up a few scraps of paper. He stretched with a slight smirk on his face.

_Things are good._

Caught up in the productive mood, Akaashi decided it was time for a bath before he could change his mind. It had been days (days?) since he had bathed last. Too long for a normal person.

As he undressed, Akaashi caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His hair was long. Too long. He had class and work tomorrow, but there would be a couple hour gap in-between. He’d stop by his usual salon then for a quick trim.

Akaashi remembered that just a block or so from his usual salon was a large park. It was past cherry blossom season now, but the park was breathtaking no matter the time of the year. Since there weren’t any more cherry blossoms and it was beginning to get too warm, it was unlikely there would be a lot of people there. Plus, there may be inspiration for his writing. It would be better than lurking around campus waiting for it to be time to work, at least.

_Okay. Class, haircut, park for an hour, then work tomorrow. I’m capable of doing this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that was a reference to both Voltron and Pokemon. Fight me.
> 
> I know nothing about how those drink machines work. I made it up. In my head, in Japan, in this AU, they could potentially work like the codes your vehicle will give you. Maybe. Nor do I claim to know about convenience store hours in Japan. What matters is the interaction, not the science of it all, amirite?
> 
> Anyway! Next chapter I will introduce Bokuto!!!! I'm so excited, as he is the light of my life.
> 
> Until next time!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introducing the dog walker  
> -OR-  
> Introducing Bokuto Koutarou, the light of my life and fire(?) in Akaashi's loins.

_I had hoped one day I’d be able to fall into the sky. For Earth to tilt just enough for it just to swallow me up, forever erasing the mere thought that I existed anywhere else but in the sky._

_The longer I live though, the more I was reminded that I am but lowly land scum._

_A literal mark on the Earth._

* * *

 

_I’m not capable of doing this._

Akaashi glared blearily at his phone. His alarm screeched defiantly in his face.

**6:25 AM**

Akaashi groaned. Waking up was perhaps the worst part of being alive. Probably worse than every other second of being alive.

_I just want to sleep longer_. _Forever sounds nice._

Akaashi was no stranger to the snooze button. The two were quite intimately acquainted. They had spent many early mornings entangled in Akaashi’s bed together with Akaashi begging for more. Always more. He daftly pressed his phone’s screen until the music ceased.

**6:27 AM**

Another loud sound began to emit from his phone. Unfortunately, Akaashi’s guilt and he were inseparable, two parts of one soul if you would, while sleep and Akaashi were merely lovers in two very different positions in life. Akaashi always had a rather difficult time waking up in the morning, if he had even slept at all, and always set at least four alarms for the morning. Not only did he set multiple alarms, he set them so irritatingly close that he had no choice to wake up enough to let guilt banish Akaashi’s lover, sleep, and take her rightful place on the throne of top priorities in Akaashi’s life.

Akaashi slapped his phone blindly until he hit snooze.

**6:29 AM**

Akaashi began softly sobbing into the pillow. The sound resembled the fake sobbing sound some people make in a laugh to fake cry transition after being told a harsh truth or getting their childhood ruined; seal-like in sound and pathetic in nature. Akaashi covered himself completely with the blankets and formed a small shell protecting himself from the outside world. He stuck his hand out and gently pressed snoozed again before re-submersing his arm again with cat-like reflexes.

**6:31 AM**

Akaashi was now pissed. He threw the covers off the bed, sat up, and roughly turned off all four alarms.

_Fuck. Just Fuck. Why?_

Akaashi sat there for a minute waiting for the world around him to make sense. He felt nothing aside from agitation. He could already tell it was going to be one of _those_ days, despite being in such a delightful mood last night. Akaashi leaned against the wall, not daring to lie down again but not ready to move yet, and closed his eyes while he thought. Today wasn’t likely to get better. It was way too long of a day with both class and work. He’d be gone for at least twelve hours before he could hope to go back to sleep or be totally alone.  There were other things he was supposed to do today, too, wasn’t there? His mind hit a wall.

_What was it? There was something that sounded somewhat appealing. Something he’d almost been looking forward to._

Akaashi racked his brain, tapping his head lightly against the wall in hopes to help jumpstart it, but the only thought that scampered across his consciousness was how bad and how unbearably long today was going to be. He debated if it was too soon to miss class again. He’d gone to most of his classes last week. There wasn’t anything super important happening in any of his classes today.  He didn’t technically have to go to class, but still Akaashi’s guilt tugged at him.

_I should go. I need to go. It’s what’s right. If it really is too unbearable I’ll just skip the rest of my classes and call into work. Easy._

_Now that that’s settled, how much longer do I have until I need to leave?_

**7:05 AM**

The blood drained from Akaashi’s face and an icy shock swept through his spine.

_How could that decision have taken that long to make?_

Akaashi jumped up, snatched up the first pair of jeans he saw, and began stepping into them while he scanned the floor for a clean-ish shirt in one swift movement. His Monday class started at 8 AM sharp and his professor was the type to lock the door a couple of minutes before then. The campus was close enough that he could walk to it, but the campus itself was a miniature city in its own right. After encroaching campus, it would still be a solid 10-minute walk if Akaashi walked briskly. It’d take about 25 minutes, but Akaashi was always worried that something might happen on the way. He might get turned around, or have to stop to speak to someone, or he’d lose track of time while walking. The morning sky and the plant architecture of campus frequently caused Akaashi to stop in his tracks, mesmerized by its beauty.  Aesthetics of campus aside, Akaashi always seemed to lose track of some time, no matter what he did. He always had to leave earlier than needed when he had to be somewhere. Being late just wasn’t an option.

Snatching up a nearby shirt, Akaashi pulled it on, and began to shuffle any papers that he could possibly need into his bag. Shouldering his bag, he ran toward the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face. He pranced to the door and stopped cold as he put his hand on the handle. He rushed back to his bed to acquire his phone and grab his keys from his desk. After checking his bag for his wallet and correct textbooks, he flounced out of the apartment.

**. . .**

Akaashi trudged through the first half of the morning. His classes felt long and hellish. They reminded him of how he felt prison might be. Too much lecturing. Too much restriction. Too much condescension. Soul-shattering.

During his lunch break Akaashi finally remembered that he’d hoped to get a haircut and visit the park before he had to go into work today. Thinking about it lifted his gloom a little and he decided to commit to actually doing it. To ensure he wouldn’t back out of it, he sent his hairdresser a text scheduling an appointment for later.

He was sitting in the library on the second floor near the window. He had a book he’d pulled from one of the shelves aimlessly propped open to keep him distracted. It was part habit and part a ploy to keep others from bothering him. He used to read profusely. He’d loved reading. Lately, though, he struggled to get more than a page in a book, despite the quality or nature of the book. He’d stare at the words, but his brain wouldn’t close out of the second browser tab that was running every negative thought, fear, and apprehension Akaashi had ever felt.

He glanced toward the window. It was partially cloudy and it was slighter cooler than it had been in the morning. There could be rain coming in. Akaashi watched the clouds slowly roam across the sky like fluffy sheep grazing a blue field. It soothed him. He felt as if he could keep watching forever. He hoped the rain would hold out until later. He really wanted to be able to enjoy the park and the sky after class.

**. . .**

Akaashi made it through his classes at 2 PM. Barely. He’d spent the latter half of the day glaring at his professors wishing for their imminent death. Not because something happened, but because Akaashi was ready to bolt. He’d started feeling anxious during the second half of the day and eventually it turned into a strange mood. Jaded and cranky. Done with the world. Nihilistic. Even more than usual. Akaashi wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed and sleep. He had stopped caring about what he _needed_ to do or what he _should_ do. He was angry. He was on the verge of a breakdown.

Walking from class, he grabbed his phone out of his pocket and began composing a text for his hairdresser.

**[Akaashi]** : Would you mind terribly if I came in tomorrow instead? I have some things I need to take care of.

Before Akaashi could put his phone back in his pocket he started receiving a slew of messages.

**[Oikawa]** : What’s more important than seeing me?  ( ﾟｏ⌒)

**[Oikawa]** : Am I not the most stunningly amazing thing you’ve ever set your eyes on? So much so that other Earthly commitments melt away?  ｡ﾟ･ (>﹏<) ･ﾟ｡

**[Oikawa]** : I guess it’s fine! BUT you better not bail on me two days in a row!

**[Oikawa]** : Plus, I KNOW you are in desperate need of some of my magic touch!! °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

Akaashi glared down at his phone. Oikawa had been his hairdresser for years, which is why he could text him instead of having to go through the trouble of calling the establishment and to book an appointment, but every time he had to interact with him he wondered if the convenience was really worth it. Oikawa was a conceited shit most of the time. He also felt like the man probably sparkled all the time, even when giving death threats. Akaashi briefly imagined Oikawa holding a knife with a devilish smile on his face and sparkles in the background.

_Terrifying_.

He felt his phone vibrate yet again.

**[Oikawa]** : For real though, I hope you’re taking care of yourself.

**[Oikawa]** : I’ll make sure to pamper you tomorrow.

**[Oikawa]** : We’ll talk about what’s wrong then.

Ah. There it was. The reason why people stayed around Oikawa despite his otherwise horrible personality. That intuition combined with genuine care. Akaashi wondered why Oikawa was cutting hair instead of hosting a talk show, modeling, or counseling, or something bigger to match his personality. Akaashi’s phone vibrated yet again.

**[Oikawa]** : No extra charge, of course! ☆⌒ヽ(*'､^*)

Deciding that Oikawa didn’t need a response back, Akaashi slid his phone back in his pocket and began to walk toward his apartment. He wanted to just sleep forever, but he was still scheduled to work from 6-10. He wondered what excuse he could use to call in.

**. . .**

In the end, Akaashi’s guilt overruled his desire to waste away into dust in his bed. Missing school was one thing. No one else was inconvenienced if Akaashi missed class. Work was very different, though. Akaashi worked at a small chain bookstore a couple of train stops away. There were under fifteen people on staff and it would be sorely inconvenient for someone if Akaashi called in last minute.

Akaashi wasn’t really made to work retail, but the bookstore was different. Calm. Customers didn’t seem to mind that he was quiet and reserved. They expected it a little. The work itself wasn’t very demanding either. It mostly consisted of helping customers find books, checking out customers, straightening up, and occasionally shelving books. Akaashi had worked at the store since his second year and could do any of the work by muscle memory no matter how much turmoil he felt internally or if it’d been several days since he’d last slept.

He originally started working to help relieve some expenses from his parents. They were insistent on supplying him with an allowance for food and other necessities. He’d allowed it for some time, but it bothered Akaashi. He was an adult and was fully capable of providing for himself. His parents shouldn’t have to give up their money while he got away with being lazy.

With limited options available since he had no work experience, was a student, and had very limited charisma and capacity for dealing with the public, he wound up with the bookstore. It paid decently and was flexible with his schedule so he decided to take it. In the beginning, Akaashi was thrilled to have a job that gave him a discount on books and allowed him to be in the presence of such knowledge. When he had first begun, he spent most of his money buying books. But that was before. Now he rarely perused the shelves for himself. Even if he did end up purchasing a book, it never got read.

Akaashi’s job also had another perk. The job gave Akaashi a small amount of satisfaction no matter how the day had been. He was satisfied, and proud, of having completed something. Finishing a shift gave him a small amount of much needed confidence. He couldn’t explain it. The job was so easy that literally anyone could do it. Akaashi decided to not question it, but to revel in the feeling when he could. It helped on those days when Akaashi could only get out of bed to go to work. It kept him from becoming a complete recluse.

He still had things he needed to do in the world. His job would help keep him alive long enough to see those things to the end.

Akaashi’s shift passed quickly and uneventfully. The rain finally came in causing store to be dead, with the exception of a few customers who loitered in the café.

As he rode the train home he felt nothing but exhaustion. He stared out the window across from him at the night sky. He could see a few stars speckling the sky. A sadness welled up inside him. He felt small. Insignificant. He stared into the night sky, wishing this morbid, yet calming feeling would last forever. The train lurched and he heard his stop announced, thereby breaking the moment. Akaashi let out his signature sigh and walked the rest of the way home irritated.

**. . .**

Tuesdays didn’t start until 9:30 for Akaashi. He only had two classes with a short lunch between them and it was one of his more enjoyable days of the week. Typically, he didn’t have to work and he liked his Tuesday classes best. Akaashi enjoyed just listening to his first professor talk. This professor liked using his real-life experiences to engrain concepts and rules into his students. He’d gotten in some strange situations before and he used them freely as humorous and useful anecdotes. His professor was a bundle of nerves, but was still utterly brilliant despite his anxiety causing him to periodically huddle under a desk for a few minutes until it passed.

Akaashi’s favorite story involved his professor when he was still in graduate school. His office was situated across from a zoology professor who was utterly fascinated with spiders. He took teams out to Africa to find new species and had written about spiders for years. One day, a graduate student candidate came to interview with the zoology professor and talked extensively about his love for dolphins. Not spiders, but dolphins. Akaashi’s professor listened to the zoology professor lash into the candidate for thirty minutes about how “do you see dolphin tanks out there” then “are you some kind of idiot?” and “are you sure you’re qualified to _even_ apply to a graduate program?”.

The story had always stuck with Akaashi because it was ridiculous and because his professor always pronounced spider more like sppyyy-deer to depict the zoologist’s accent. More importantly, it stressed the importance of never meeting an important person without doing some thorough research. Knowing something like that would really help when Akaashi entered the business world.

If Akaashi ever entered the business world.

Nevertheless, Akaashi usually found it easy to make it to class on Tuesdays, despite the mood he was in. He knew that if he could just make it to that class, he would probably be in a better mood and would want to attend his later class.

This Tuesday was no different. Akaashi woke up and begrudgingly rolled (Quite literally. Nothing gets your blood going like rolling out of bed in the morning!) out of bed to get ready for class. He got ready and went to class out of habit. He felt nothing but the rush to get there on time.

After class Akaashi walked toward the cafeteria. Class had worked to brighten his day and revive him slightly from the dead. Now, he needed food. He hadn’t eaten since Sunday and he was going to need his strength to deal with Oikawa later. Maybe a sword too. He figured some bread would tide him over until the evening, but wasn’t really sure what kind of bread he wanted.

As he entered the cafeteria, another student waked past with curry. The delicious, thick smell hit Akaashi like a brick wall. As if on cue, Akaashi’s stomach rumbled and his mouth began to salivate.

_Well. At least now I won’t have to worry about not being able to decide what to eat._

After Akaashi sat down with his curry, he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. He spooned a bite of curry in his mouth, melting a little at its savory taste, and reached for his phone.

_I’d bet this curry that it’s Oikawa making sure I’m not cancelling again today_.

**[Oikawa]** : Yoohoo! Just making sure you haven’t forgotten about me!

**[Oikawa]** : Cause I’ll find you if you bail on me again today.

**[Oikawa]** : And I’ll do _things_ … (҂ `з´ )

**[Oikawa]** : You’d look great as a blond  o(>ω<)o

**[Oikawa]** : Just saying…

Akaashi choked slightly on his curry. Sometimes Oikawa really was frightening. He did know where Akaashi lived after all. To make things worse, Oikawa knew Akaashi’s parents as well. Akaashi’s mother was especially fond of Oikawa and called him personally to their home for haircuts and for dinner. He was like a bed bug. Once he got in, there was no getting him out. He’d just smile and everyone would melt for him.

Akaashi angrily typed back, a smug smile placated on his face.

**[Akaashi]** : I would never bail on you twice in a row. I’m well aware of the repercussions, oh Grand King.

Akaashi placed his phone down, satisfied, and took a few more bites of curry. Oikawa loathed that name. He had been dubbed grand-king when he was in high school by a member of a rival volleyball team. When Akaashi found this, he quickly stored the name in his arsenal for later. Out of the corner of his eye, Akaashi saw his phone light up again with Oikawa’s usual slew of texts.

**[Oikawa]** : I will end you.

**[Oikawa]** : Or shave you.

**[Oikawa]** : I’m not sure which yet.

**[Oikawa]** : But you will suffer.

**[Oikawa]** : Can’t wait to see you later! We’re going to have SO MUCH FUN!  ☆⌒ヽ(*'､^*)

**[Akaashi]** : Yes, yes. I will see you at 2.

Akaashi, feeling drained, shook his head and place his phone back in his pocket before he could see the next string of threats Oikawa had doubtless already sent. He looked briefly at the time and began scarfing down as much curry as possible. Fifteen minutes until class and then he had to face Oikawa and convince him not to dye his hair blonde or shave him.

_Maybe I should bring flowers? Or hide behind Iwaizumi? Oikawa can’t say no to Iwaizumi._

**. . .**

After class let out Akaashi shuffled back to his apartment to change clothes. He’d just thrown on whatever was nearby before class as usual, but he didn’t want his lack of style to be a discussion point for Oikawa. He was never in the mood to hear about how “he dressed like a teenage boy still” or “have you no sense of style?” coming from Oikawa. Besides, he would be out in public. He should look better than a dirty pair of jeans and wrinkled t-shirt.

Akaashi slipped on a pair of white Capri pants that had a small cuff at the bottom and tucked a plain white shirt into it. He picked a pair of dark grey canvas shoes to wear. What to wear over his shirt always befuddled him. Usually his style teetered between gym shorts, jeans, and t-shirts to uniforms or suits. Akaashi didn’t really have a clue of what to wear in-between for a casual polished look. He sorted through the few clean clothes he had remaining. A soft navy blue cardigan that had three quarter length sleeves lay folded neatly in the corner of his dresser drawer. It was summer, but the rain from last night had brought the temperature down a little and Akaashi was generally cold natured anyway due to his lack of body fat. He decided to chance it and slipped it on. He’d always been told that it complimented his eyes so it couldn’t be the worst pick. He matched a brown leather belt and a silver watch as finishing touches. He looked in the mirror, and decided that after his haircut, he would look like a respectable citizen again.

Fully dressed, he packed his messenger bag that he used for his casual outings with his laptop, a notebook he’d been writing ideas in, a sketchpad, some pencils, and his glasses. He didn’t have any plans in particular after his haircut, but that park was nearby. He hadn’t convinced himself that he would go yet, but. . .

_Just in case. This may be my last chance to see this park._

Hoisting his bag over his shoulder, he walked to the door. He still had thirty minutes to get to the salon. He could probably make it there in twenty. He would have to walk slowly so he wouldn’t have to spend more time there than necessary.

Akaashi arrived at the salon exactly on time. He’d passed a flower shop on the way and briefly entertained the idea of actually buying Oikawa flowers so he wouldn’t have to deal with his rage, but he pushed that thoughts aside. A happy Oikawa was just as bad as an angry one. Maybe worse. More obnoxious, for sure.

As he entered, Oikawa was near the front with a forced smile on his face. He looked directly at Akaashi as his tapped his finger on the front desk.

_Ah. He’s still seething over the Grand-King comment_.

“I was beginning to think that you would bail on me again today” he spoke in a fake cheerful tune, almost song-like much like everything else that came from his mouth.

“I already told you that I don’t want to incur the wrath of the Grand King” Akaashi refuted.

Oikawa’s eye twitched ever so lightly at his old nick-name. “Please, this way, sir. Are you thinking of changing it up today?” He put one hand lightly on Akaashi’s back as they began to walk to his station and ruffled Akaashi’s hair with his other hand. “Maybe adding some color to the mix? Hmm. What do you feel about a purple?” Oikawa smirked and gestured for Akaashi to sit down.

Akaashi softly nestled into the chair and stared at himself in the mirror while ignoring Oikawa’s subtle threats.

“Hmm. That sounds wonderful and all, but I think just the usual.”

“Tch. Boring old Akaashi. Fine. Whatever you desire.” Oikawa uttered softly as he draped the cape over Akaashi.

“Thank you, Oikawa-san.”

“Yes, yes” Oikawa responded as he played with Akaashi’s hair determining where he would need to cut and seemingly pondering non-related things.

“Come on, let’s go wash it. I did promise you I’d pamper you some today.”

Akaashi merely nodded and following Oikawa back to the wash basins. Oikawa set about washing Akaashi’s hair, making sure to massage his scalp and neck thoroughly. Akaashi sighed at the feeling. He never realized how much stress he had built up until it was being massaged away. Oikawa picked a shampoo that smelled like minty peaches and Akaashi felt himself relax more from the smell. He closed his eyes in enjoyment and he heard Oikawa utter a “hmm” of pleasure. Oikawa conditioned Akaashi’s hair and then proceeded to towel dry his hair for a few minutes. He did it gently and lovingly. Treatment like that was probably why Oikawa had so many female customers flocking to him.

After, they headed back to Oikawa’s work station. A few moments of silence passed between them as Oikawa found his groove in Akaashi’s hair. It had been months since Akaashi had been in. While Oikawa worked, Akaashi closed his eyes in peace. He could sleep while Oikawa worked. Despite his earlier threats of coloring his hair of shaving Akaashi’s head, Akaashi trusted Oikawa.

“So. How are things? I haven’t seen you in a while.” Oikawa asked solemnly.

Akaashi slowly opened his eyes to meet Oikawa’s in the mirror. Oikawa refused to look at him and focused on Akaashi’s hair.

“Things are fine.”

“No. Tell me how things really are.”

_Tch. Nothing slips past Oikawa_.

Akaashi let out a sigh and began to tear at the skin around his nails under the cape.

“Well. What do you want me to say? I’m sure you know more about me than I do.”

“That may be true, but I want to know what you have to say.”

Oikawa still determinedly looked solely at Akaashi’s hair despite the now growing scowl on Akaashi’s face.

“Things. . .” he started “things aren’t great. I feel like. . . it’s all pointless and I don’t want to do. . .” he stuttered “anything. Anymore.” Akaashi closed his eyes on the last word to avoid Oikawa’s expression. He knew Oikawa had looked sharply at him with worry in his eyes. Oikawa would have figured out everything by that sentences. Akaashi’s guilt. The feelings of hopelessness. The feelings of nothingness. The despair. The plan.

Akaashi felt a warmth on his upper back and around his chest. He opened his eyes to see Oikawa hugging him from behind, head resting into his shoulder, his right hand that held scissors still stretched away from Akaashi, careful to not accidently stab Akaashi in the face.

After a moment, Oikawa leaned to Akaashi’s ear and whispered gently, “I’m sorry. I know you don’t really like physical contact. I know you’re suffering. I’m sorry. I’m here for you if you ever want anything. I’m worried about you. So are your parents. Your mom called me the other day. I covered for you, but-“ he faltered. “I really wish you’d communicate with them more. Let them help you. Let someone help you.”

Akaashi’s stomach sank.

_My parents._

He hadn’t talked to his parents in months. Since they’d had dinner together at that American restaurant. He’d ignored the calls and messages, the invites for dinner, the emails.

Oikawa squeezed him again briefly and, with laser focus, continued cutting Akaashi’s hair. He wouldn’t bring it up again. Obnoxious and interfering as he was, he knew how many of Akaashi’s boundaries he could cross at a time.

Akaashi stared at his hands through the cape. He didn’t know what to say. He felt ashamed. Oikawa wasn’t very close to Akaashi, but he always had this way of looking right through him and into the depths of Akaashi’s mind. He could see things in Akaashi that Akaashi didn’t know existed.

“Oi! Shittykawa! Are you harassing your customers again?” An angry voice called out from a few feet away.

“Whaa? Iwa-chan why are you so mean? Do I look like I would ever berate any of my valued customers?” Oikawa replied, putting one hand to his chest and the other on his hip in mock surprise.

Akaashi looked over to the man. He was muscular with what was probably a permanent scowl on his face. His messy hair stuck up everywhere. He wore a plain t-shirt and shorts with some tennis shoes. His arms were crossed and in one hand he held a bouquet of flowers.

“Nice to see you again, Iwaizumi. Your darling here has been threatening to sabotage my hair since yesterday.”

“I WHAT?” Oikawa screeched looking from Akaashi to Iwaizumi apprehensively.

“Shittykawa, if you’re going to act like that, I won’t hesitate to cancel our date tonight!” Iwaizumi barked at Oikawa.

Oikawa paled. “Nooo! I’ll be good! I promise!”

Iwaizumi seemingly satisfied with that response replied “Good. I’ll be up front when you’re done. Good seeing you again, Akaashi”. He nodded at Akaashi and walked up to the front to sit down.

“You and Iwaizumi are still like that?” Akaashi giggled slightly under his breath, grateful Iwaizumi had been there to pull his mind away from Oikawa’s words.

Oikawa blushed lightly and a small smile formed on the corner of his lips. “Yeah. You could say that. Honestly, I hope it never changes, though.” He had a look about him. So utterly in love despite their constant bickering and having been together for four years already.

Akaashi looked up Oikawa. He looked so soft and so happy. Jealously sprang up in Akaashi’s chest. He was happy for Oikawa and Iwaizumi, he was. Akaashi had never felt anything remotely similar to what they had though. He feared that he just wasn’t made to feel emotion like that. He stared at Oikawa wondering what it was that he was missing, what he needed, to be capable of feeling that way. He just felt empty inside. Like there was a hole in his chest that could never be filled.

“Okay! We’re all done!” Oikawa exclaimed, clapping his hands together briefly before removing the cape from Akaashi’s neck.

Akaashi looked up. His hair was shorter and back to how he’d worn it for years. Just a couple of inches long with it curling out naturally on the ends. He looked good. Better than he had in months. As he stared in the mirror, he felt better too. The scalp massage, Oikawa’s words, looking well-kempt. It made him crawl slightly out of the mental cave he lived in. A step toward the cave’s mouth.

Akaashi paid Oikawa, making sure to leave him a generous tip. Before he left he placed his hand on Oikawa’s shoulder and leaned in.

“Thank you.” He whispered in Oikawa’s ear.

Oikawa gave him a cheesy grin. “Any time, my dear friend Keiji-chan. Now. Let’s put you on the books for next month. That way you _have to_ come see me!” His voice particularly stressing the have to portion. It was his way of ensuring Akaashi’s safety and Akaashi knew it.

“Whatever you want, mighty Grand King. I could never defy you.” Akaashi muttered as he turned toward the door, giving Iwaizumi a nod as he left.

“Whaat? You little— “Oikawa screeched as Akaashi chuckled and exited the door and walked onto the sidewalk.

He paused, looking around him. It was only 3 o’clock. He didn’t have to work today. Sure, he had homework he could’ve been doing. There was always something to study for, but he felt like it would have been a waste. He was in a moderately good mood for once. The sun was shining and the weather felt amazing, especially for summer. His mind flickered to the park a couple of blocks down. He could smell the trees and vendors selling food.

_Just for a little while. Since I didn’t come yesterday. I could find inspiration for my story._

Akaashi meandered into the park. His eyes shifting each direction rapidly as he beheld the beauty of the different trees and flowers. The park was mostly empty except for a couple of moms with their kids and a few joggers. Akaashi wandered along the path until he found a more secluded location. He sat on a bench and stared out into the trees. He watched the way the leaves swayed in the wind, the light pilfering through them. He felt the soft wind embrace him as it passed by. He could smell the sweet scent of flowers mixed with street food. The wind rustled the leaves, cries from children playing echoed in the air, water from a fountain somewhere splashed rhythmically. He could see patches of the blue sky spotted with puffy white clouds between the trees. He sat there, mesmerized by it all.

_It’s so beautiful. I wish everything could be like this._

Akaashi sat there basking in the beauty of it all for a while longer until he couldn’t bear it any more. It was too much. Too much beauty. Too much emotion. Just too much at one time.

He stood up and began walking to distract himself. He passed by a vendor selling takoyaki. Smelling it, he decided it couldn’t hurt to buy some. Takoyaki was essentially part of the park experience, after all.

Takoyaki in hand, Akaashi made his way back to the bench he occupied earlier. As he got close, he realized that the bench now harbored new occupants. Turning away, he followed a different path that led deeper into the vast park. After some time, he still hadn’t found a bench and was beginning to get annoyed. He looked around and found a patch of grass that looked especially soft. It had such a lush green to it. Akaashi wondered if it felt like clouds. Glancing around, Akaashi determined that there wasn’t another soul nearby and sat on the fluff of grass.

It _was_ soft. He ate a few pieces of his takoyaki mindlessly as he took in his new surroundings.

_It’s nice here. I think I’ll write a little before heading home._

He set the rest of his takoyaki aside, pulled his notebook out, and began to write. After a while his back began to ache from the hunched position, and he laid on the grass with his notebook in his hand off to the side. The sun shined softly on his face. Akaashi closed his eyes lazily. It felt too nice out and he was too full from lunch’s curry combined with the takoyaki. He felt at peace momentarily and drifted off to sleep.

**. . .**

Akaashi was drifting in and out of a peaceful sleep when he felt something walk across his legs. Paying no mind, he let himself continue to drift in his sleep. Dreams always had that feeling he craved- happiness, maybe. Everything felt nice. So light and soft. He could feel a smile on his face, despite being mostly asleep.

Something furry rubbed against his left arm. Still in the midst of sleep, Akaashi figured it was the grass and continued in his dreams.

A cold wet object collided with Akaashi’s arm next followed by something smooth, warm, and wet.

_Hmm._

Akaashi’s mouth contorted _._

_That’s not how grass normally feels_.

Akaashi slowly began to come back to consciousness, his face slowly losing his peaceful smile to be replaced with confusion.

“HHEEEYYY!!! Hatsuharu get back here!!!” a voice shouted close by. “It’s not nice to eat other people’s food! I thought you were a good boy!” The voice was getting closer. It was definitely male. It sounded exasperated as though it has been running. There were smaller heavy breathing sounds close by.

“I’m so sorry sir, I-“ He was nearly shouting and then in a softer voice full of awe, “Oh, wow.”

Akaashi’s face formed a scowl with his eyes still closed. That voice had to be talking to him. It was too close to be talking to anyone else. He slowly pried open eye, annoyed at having his nap interrupted. It had been the most enjoyable thing he’d felt in weeks.

As Akaashi’s vision came into focus, the warm wet object from earlier slid across his face. Closing his eyes, quickly and abruptly sitting up, he realized that he’d been licked in the face by a dog. Looking around, he found the dog now climbing into his lap. It was an all-white puppy maybe only eight weeks old. It wore a red collar with a little golden bell on it. It pressed its front paws onto Akaashi’s chest as it looked up happily at him. Akaashi patted him softly on the head with a small smile on his face.

“Heyyy. I’m sorry Hatsuharu woke you up. He got away from me. He’s kind of a handful. I haven’t quite gotten him to behave yet. We’re working on his manners. Though he is just a pup.”

Akaashi looked up. There was a man with three other dogs kneeling a few feet away from him. He laughed, a loud laugh that was full of life and somewhat childish, and rubbed the back of his head as he spoke. The sun shone behind him, partially blocking Akaashi’s view of him.

“Come here, Hatsuharu.” The man commanded. The puppy on Akaashi’s chest scampered to the man excitedly and he picked the puppy up. He held him against his chest and stood up, cooing the puppy and showering him with affection.

Akaashi leaned forward, bending his knees, and wrapping his hands around them. He looked up at the man, getting a clear view.

He was probably slightly taller than Akaashi. His hair was white with uneven streaks of black at the roots. It was soft and loosely waved on the top of his head with the sides and back of his head shaved. He was tan and very muscular, beefy even, like he spent a lot of time outdoors working out. He had a smaller silver hoop in one nostril, and black gauges in his ears. He was wearing a white tank top that had a trendy floral pattern scattered around it and cargo shorts. He wore a belt that held the leads to the other dogs he was walking. Perhaps the most stunning thing about the man was his eyes. They were large golden orbs gazing down at Akaashi. Akaashi had never seen anyone with eyes like him. The man’s face was full of apprehension and concern, but also warmth.

_He’s beautiful_.

Akaashi breathed out slowly as he watched the man. He grasped for control of his mind.

The man placed Hatsuharu back on the ground and clipped a leash on his collar. Looking back up at Akaashi, he spoke “I’m Bokuto Koutarou. It’s nice to meet you!” He smiled widely, almost childish in its innocence and unguarded honesty.

“Akaashi Keiji. It’s very nice to meet you.” Akaashi replied looking back toward the dogs. The man was beautiful, but it didn’t matter. He’d leave soon and Akaashi wouldn’t see him again. There was no point in being friendly.

“Aakaashhiii” the man mouthed aloud.

Akaashi’s eyebrow twitched.

_That is not how my name is pronounced. And he already dropped the honorific?_

He continued to stare at the dogs. The one of the right was all black with long hair. It was the biggest of the dogs, coming up to Bokuto’s knees. He made no reply.

“Akaashi. I really am sorry about Hatsuharu here. He’s a just a puppy and he likes to get loose and explore the world. He’s gone before I know it.”

“Hmm.” Akaashi replied looking at the next dog. It was a corgi. A medium brown color and with white patches.

“If you’d like, I can buy you more takoyaki since he ate yours.”

“Huh?” Akaashi mumbled and his eyes flicked over to where he’d last set his takoyaki. There was half of one left, with a clear bite that hadn’t been made by a human mouth out of it. “Oh. That’s not necessary Bokuto-san” he muttered. He shifted further into his legs, hiding the bottom portion of his face.

_Why won’t he leave already?_

Bokuto shifted in his spot. Akaashi peeked up at him. Bokuto looked nervous.

“Um.” He began. “I can also pay for you new clothes since they’re all dirty now.” His voice became strained and hurried, “Or I can wash them for you. My place isn’t too far from here and I can let you borrow some clothes while yours are being washed. They might be too big for you but- “

“Bokuto-san” Akaashi interrupted, looking at his clothes for the first time. Sure enough, there were little dog prints on his white pants and white shirt. “It’s fine. You don’t need to worry about it.”

“But!” Bokuto shouted at him. His face was red and he was looking more embarrassed.

_Is he really that embarrassed that the dog got loose_?

Akaashi looked at the next dog in line. It was Hatsuharu. He pawed at Akaashi’s foot, begging for more love.

“Really” Akaashi replied softly, glancing up at Bokuto, as he patted Hatsuharu’s head. Bokuto was starting at the ground. His face was still red, but he looked as if he was concentrating on something.

Akaashi glanced at the last dog. It was a Dalmatian. It was only slightly smaller than the black dog at the opposite side. This one seemed older and calmer than the rest of the dogs. Akaashi thought about reaching out to pet this one, but decided against it. It wasn’t polite to pet dogs without permission. Hatsuharu was an exception.

Bokuto suddenly shifted and flopped on the ground in front of Akaashi. He crossed his arms and a slight scowl was on his face. When he sat, the dogs automatically laid down where they were standing, with the exception of Hatsuharu, who climbed in Bokuto’s lap to lie down and gnaw at his hands. Bokuto pet him absent mindedly as he stared at Akaashi.

Akaashi watched this and worried. Had he offended the man by not accepting his offer? He did seem like one of those annoying people who would press other people until they gave in to whatever whim crossed their mind.

Akaashi turned his face away from Bokuto. His notebook he’d been writing in earlier laid open on the grass next to his bag. He closed the notebook and shoved it in the bag. Bokuto was still staring at him in silence, making weird faces along with his thoughts. Akaashi hoisted the bag over his head and placed it on his shoulder. He looked to his left side now where his takoyaki had been. He gathered the trash, grateful the toothpick he had been using to eat it was still there. He wouldn’t have been able to bear it if the dog had eaten a toothpick.

Gathered, Akaashi looked back at Bokuto sitting in front of him. He was staring with those wide golden eyes. The luminous orbs stared deep through Akaashi. Bokuto’s cheeks were still dusted with pink and he had an almost stern face.

“Akaashi” Bokuto whispered so quietly that it startled Akaashi. Akaashi forced himself to make and hold eye contact, but withheld a response.

They sat in silence a moment longer. Bokuto began to fidget as if he was struggling to sit still. Akaashi sat there bewildered. He had no clue what was going on.

“Akaashi,” Bokuto sighed and began again, his voice trembling slightly “I would like to properly apologize for Hatsuharu here. Will you please let me take you out as an apology?”

_Isn’t that like a date?_

“Bokuto-san, like I said, that’s really not necessary I-“

“Please . . .” Bokuto whispered. He looked like he was on the cusp of tears.

Akaashi glared at him openly.

_What does this guy want? What’s his deal?_

Bokuto’s gaze swiftly went from Akaashi to the ground and back again a few times. His lower lip pouted slightly and the blush in his cheeks deepened. Akaashi stared at his face. His eyes trickled down to Bokuto’s pouted lips. His lips were full. A shine glossed them from where he’d licked them recently. Akaashi wondered what those lips would feel like on him. What it would feel like to kiss those lips and bite them gently. What they’d feel like tracing over his—

_Wait. What?_

Akaashi shook his head in response to the thoughts of Bokuto’s lips clouding his head. He’d done things with guys before, sure, but it was more of a scientific experiment. He’d never felt the desire to engage in sexual matters with another person for enjoyment.

Seeing Akaashi shake his head, Bokuto sighed. “So that’s a no, heh? Well, at least I tried. It’s no wonder I’d be shot down since you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” he softly muttered before standing up. He had a somber look on his face. He held his hand out to Akaashi to help him up. Akaashi grasped his hand and stood up. Bokuto’s hand was warm and calloused. The touch set a strike of lightening tingling through Akaashi’s body.

“It was really nice to meet you Akaashi. I hope we run into each other again some time.” Bokuto let out a large smile, not quite as large or honest as he had boasted earlier.

“It was a pleasure to meet you as well, Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto’s smile faltered a little. He did an awkward half bow and turned to leave. Akaashi caught a glimpse of his face as he turned. His smile had completely disappeared and his eyes were crinkled in sorrow. Akaashi knew that face. He was too familiar of the facial posture of someone about to cry.

_Why though? Why is he crying? Did he really want to go out with me that bad?_

Bokuto began walking away slowly. His shoulders slumped. He’d lost his air of boundless energy and sunshine.

_Why_?

Akaashi thought to himself.

_What is this feeling?_

_Why don’t I want him to go?_

_I usually hate being around people._

Bokuto was a few yards away by now. He was nearing a turn in the path that would obstruct him from Akaashi’s view.

_No. No attachments. You have a plan._

Akaashi reprimanded himself.

_But_. . .

Bokuto was out of sight now. Akaashi felt empty and so very lonely. Cold. His stomach hurt.

_Did I make a mistake?_

Akaashi shook his head and gathered his resolve.

_What’s the worst that could happen?_

_There’s nothing left to lose._

Akaashi jogged after Bokuto before he could finish the answer his own question. Before he could convince himself out of it. Before logic and doubt could overcome him.

“Bokuto-san! Bokuto-san, wait! Please!” Bokuto stopped dead in his tracks, not turning around. He brought his arm up to his face and scrubbed at his eyes.

“Bokuto-san I would be honored . . . if you. . .  you . . .”

_Crap. I fucked it up_.

His nervousness overtook him. Akaashi looked at the ground, not daring to look back up at Bokuto.

A soft voice came from Bokuto, “If you don’t want to you don’t have to. I wouldn’t want you to spend time with me because you feel sorry for me. Some loser who cries when he gets rejected. By a stranger, no less.” His head was hung facing the ground and scuffed his foot anxiously at the ground.

Akaashi chuckled despite himself. Bokuto-san was like a puppy. All energy at times, but also capable of moping with his tail between his legs.

Taking a deep breath Akaashi began again, “I’m sorry for earlier. I don’t. . . I don’t date much. Or even socialize, really. But, I think I could go on one date with you. . .  if the offer s-still stands, of course.”

_There. I said it._

Akaashi shook slightly. He felt light headed and stared at the ground. He never put himself out there. Never let himself be vulnerable. For some reason, though, he couldn’t stand the thought of disappointing Bokuto.

He could hear Bokuto and the dogs turning around. Hatsuharu’s belling jingling.

“Really?” Bokuto uttered softly, but with rising excitement.

Akaashi couldn’t manage a vocal response. He pressed his eyes shut tightly, balled his hands up, and nodded vigorously to the ground a couple of times.

The next thing Akaashi knew, the wind had been knocked out of him and he was surrounded by warmth. And dogs. He opened his eyes to see that Bokuto had embraced him in an excited hug. Akaashi could feel Bokuto’s muscles on him and felt the warmth of Bokuto’s breath on his neck.

_Just_ _maybe_. . .

Bokuto broke apart from Akaashi abruptly. “Aaah! I’m sorry!” he rambled quickly, “I got too excited and I didn’t mean to hug you without permission. I promise that I won’t get handsy on our date!” He stepped farther away from Akaashi with an embarrassed look on his face and put his hands behind his back much like a grade schooler would.

“It’s fine, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi replied, in what he hoped was a reserved manner.

“Uh. Can I, uh. . .” Bokuto had that embarrassed look on his face again. His eyes shifted from the dogs to Akaashi rapidly. “Can I get your number so I can call you for the date?”

“Of course, Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto smiled again. Akaashi thought that Bokuto’s smile could give the sun a run for its money.

Akaashi pulled his phone from his pocket and handed it to Bokuto to enter his information. Bokuto bit his lip briefly, to hide a smile, as he entered in his information. Akaashi watched and put his own information into Bokuto’s phone quietly.

When Bokuto handed Akaashi back his phone Akaashi didn’t look at the contact info and put his phone quickly in his pocket. Bokuto made a quick face that Akaashi didn’t catch and then burst into a large face-stretching smile.

“Well! I will call you!” Bokuto almost shouted at Akaashi.

“See you later” Akaashi murmured in response.

“Yeah. Later Akaashi!” Bokuto bellowed the smile on his face so big it looked painful.

Bokuto let out two short whistles and the dogs all stood up at attention. Bokuto began to run with them down the park path, waving at Akaashi until he was out of sight.

Akaashi watched them sprint away with a small smile on his face.

_Apparently, I have a date with that hot beefy dog walker._

Akaashi turned and began walking home, his mind flooded with thoughts of Bokuto.

_Who owns that many dogs in Tokyo, though? Its unheard of. Not to mention, how does anyone afford that many dogs in Tokyo?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's just all have a moment of silence to appreciate Bokuto's beauty. . .  
> *Deep sigh*
> 
> Yes, I changed Bokuto's hair. Don't worry. He still has a teensy owl obsession.


	5. Chapter 5

_It’s strange to be envious of birds. Pea-sized brained birds. Thumb-less, society-less, manner-less birds. Disgusting creatures that defecate whenever and wherever they feel the inclination._

_At least they get to scream as they swim across the sky while I’m glued to the ground too afraid to make a sound loud enough to startle. At least their cage isn’t just in their head._

* * *

 

Akaashi made his way back to his apartment quickly with his mind muddled. His unplanned nap and socialization had taken up much more of his day than he’d intended. By the time he made it back, it was past seven and Akaashi still had work he needed to do before he had class and work again tomorrow. Upon entering the threshold, Akaashi firmly closed the door, turned to lean against the door, and sank to a standing fetal position with his head in his hands gripping his hair tightly. His breath came out raspy and uneven.

_What did I just do? This was NOT according to the plan._

His hands shook harder. His heart thudded.

_No. This is okay. Just think of it as a social obligation. Just go on one date with the guy and that’s it. You didn’t disappoint him. He’ll realize you’re boring and that’ll be it. It’s just one more thing you have to do before all your worries disappear forever._

Akaashi slid further down until he was sitting down with the crown of his head resting on his knees, hands still in his hair, but grip slacking slightly now. His mind flickered to the man. His warm eyes. That smile that could probably end wars or at the very least stop a child from crying without having to barter with ice cream. The way he looked at Akaashi through those thick eyelashes.

_Yeah. I can do that. One date._

_Just one social obligation._

He took one deep breath in, held it for eight seconds, and released it all at once. He gently untangled his hands from his hair and wrapped his hands around his legs.

_That’s if he even calls._

Akaashi let go of his legs and rested his head against the door.

_Ah. That is a very important point. I’m getting worked up on how to get rid of him and he might not even want to deal with me anyway. He could’ve just offered because he thought I was upset about Hatsuharu ruining my clothes._

He felt a pang deep in his stomach.

_Well. Probably for the best. Better get some homework done for the night._

Akaashi jolted up and began the short trek to his desk. Along the way, he stripped down to his underwear and adopted a shirt that lacked paw prints and the smell of dog. He slung his soiled clothes on the floor without a second thought. He buried his face in textbooks and homework with abandon.

Akaashi was still buried deep in studying when a loud noise caught his attention. Startled by the sudden sound, he threw the textbook he’d been holding partially across the room and hazily searched around the room for the noise. After a few insultingly slow moments, he came to the realization that the sound came from his phone. He opened it tentatively, not entirely sure what to expect. The time read 6:35 AM, the usual time he got up on Wednesdays.

_Fuck_.

He muttered under his breath a few unintelligible curses. He hadn’t intended to stay up all night. He had class and work today.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I have to go to class today._

Akaashi lingered there for a moment longer, steeling himself for what would be a hellish day. Deciding he had no other choice, he slowly stood up and began getting ready for class.

**. . .**

By the time Akaashi arrived in class his autopilot mode had already taken over. He sat through his morning classes staring forward, not listening, and not participating. He was an imposter pretending to be a student. A doll in a world of flesh. He thought of nothing and felt nothing. He made little movement over the hours except for walking to and from his classrooms.

When his last class before lunch break finished, Akaashi was slowly becoming aware of his surroundings. He found himself sitting, belatedly, in the classroom still while the other students filed out. The room was full of chatter and laughter. There were groups of friends asking what they were doing for lunch. Others were discussing their weekend plans. Some discussing class. All interacting with someone. Enjoying themselves. Wanting to see people and do things without coercion.

Akaashi sat there alone. No one moved to acknowledge him. No one approached him. No one glanced his way.

He was alone. So very alone.

His hands darted together and he began clawing at the skin surrounding his nails. His breath quickened.

_I have to get out of here._

He grabbed his bag and practically sprinted to the door. Akaashi could feel eyes on him, watching his erratic behavior, and his pace quickened considerably in response.

Akaashi walked briskly with his head down, not really knowing or caring where he went, but wanting a secluded hideout until his afternoon classes started. He needed to really be alone. Not just alone in a room full of people.

After some time, Akaashi noticed the feet of other people walking past had stopped interrupting his vision and the sound of running water was permeating the silence. Looking up, he noticed that he had come across the small river that ran through campus. There weren’t any other students nearby so he decided to sit at a nearby bench facing the river. He sat his bag to his side and spent a moment just watching the water, mesmerized by its tranquil existence. The water soothed Akaashi and brought him back to the present. Back to coherent thought.

Realizing that he had no idea what time it was, he reached into his bag to find his phone. He pressed the home screen and a notification displayed itself proudly across the screen.

**1 New Message**

Akaashi felt his blood run cold. No one ever texted him. He didn’t have friends. The only one that would ever message him was Oikawa and he’d just seen him yesterday. Even Oikawa wasn’t brazen enough to attempt irritating Akaashi so soon. He felt his mind run to the man in the park yesterday. He felt another cold chill run through his body and a sharp pain in his abdomen.

_What if it’s that man wanting to go on a date?_

_What do I do?_

Akaashi entered his passcode to unlock the phone and hovered over the messaging icon. His breath abated. Shaking, he willed himself to press the icon that would open the messaging app.

**Unknown Number** : Hey. This is Yaku from work. I got your number from the manager. Would you be willing to do me a favor? I have to take care of some business Saturday night, but I’m scheduled to work. Everyone else is already scheduled or will be out of town. Could you please work my shift Saturday?

_Oh_.

Akaashi felt himself deflate a little as he let out a long breath. He felt disappointed.

_Why am I upset about that? Of course, it wasn’t the beautiful man from the park. Why would he message me anyway?_

Akaashi turned his attention back to his phone. Of course, he would take the shift. He couldn’t inconvenience someone else especially when he’d just spend that time doing nothing. Plus, he needed to start saving money for his funeral costs.

**Akaashi** : Yeah. I can do that.

**Akaashi** : What time is it?

Yaku must have had his phone open and in hand because the icon that indicated he was typing popped up immediately.

**Unknown Number** : Thank you so much! I will make this up to you!

**Unknown Number** : Or that damn Lev will!

**Unknown Number** : it’s a short shift. Just 5-9. That okay?

Akaashi chuckled a little under his breath. Yaku was always griping about his friend Lev Haiba. Akaashi wasn’t quite sure why Yaku put up with the odd giant, but it did tend to make for some comic relief.

**Akaashi** : Yeah. That’s fine. And don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal.

**Unknown Number** : I’ll still get Lev to buy you lunch or something one day. It IS his fault after all.

**Unknown Number** : Thank you so much though.

**Akaashi** : Anytime

**Unknown Number Changed to Yaku**

Akaashi closed the messaging app and rechecked the time.

**12:50 PM**

Class would start in ten minutes. Akaashi placed the phone back in his bag and shouldered his bag. He felt a little better than he had in the morning. Only a little. He was still exhausted, but he began walking to his afternoon classes out of habit. His mind wandered as he walked.

_Why hasn’t he called me?_

Akaashi’s afternoon classes passed very much like his morning classes, but with slightly less agitation. He started off in the distance with his obligation to be in class on his mind as the bane of his existence. Most of his irritation had passed and now he was just exhausted. As soon as his last class finished for the day he scurried back to his apartment. He still had a few hours before he had to work at 6 PM and he intended to make the most of it.

Entering the apartment, he threw down his bag and immediately stripped before burying himself in bed. He quickly set seven alarms in quick succession starting at 5 PM before dozing off immediately.

**. . .**

_You’ve haunted me all my life_

_Through endless days and countless nights_

Akaashi stirred slightly in bed. There were sounds pervading his dreams, mingling with his conscious.

 

_You are the mistress I can’t make a wife_

Akaashi was in an old Japanese style castle. It was raining and dark clouds rolled across the sky. Tattered flags flew in the wind. The tall vibrant green grass bowed to the wind. It was dark and cold in the castle. A peculiar darkness loomed around Akaashi. There was something. Something watching him. He could feel it’s presence getting closer and closer to him. Inching forward behind him no matter how he turned.  He looked for an escape, but suddenly there were no windows or doorways. He was stuck in a round room with only the darkness that seemed to be growing steadily. Suddenly the darkness was upon him, encompassing him, drowning him. It was eating away at his body like a million microscopic creatures. It entered through every pore he had and began tearing at him from the inside. He began to scream, but the darkness had already filled his lungs. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t make a sound. All he could do was resign himself to the pain of the creatures eating him alive and his inevitable death.

Akaashi jolted upright. His heart racing, sweat flowing from his pores, and tears dancing down his face. Dazed, he searched around his room for the incessant sound. Finally becoming cognizant, he reached for his phone to turn off the alarm and check the time.

**5:35 PM**

_Fuck. I’m going to be late._

Akaashi sprang from bed and did a quick search for clothes before snatching up a pair of slacks and a dress shirt. Dressing as he walked, he finished pulling down his shirt as he opened the apartment door and slipped his shoes on as he walked to the stairs. He ran to make the train and by some miracle, managed to arrive to work with two minutes to spare.

The nap and the rush to work had ruined Akaashi’s mood beyond repair. He was more tired than before the nap and now he was cranky. He didn’t want to deal with people tonight and hoped this shift would pass quickly. He walked into the breakroom to grab his name badge from the locker. When he walked out he was greeted by his manager.

“Good evening Akaashi! We had a bit of a scheduling error and I need you to work customer service tonight. Can you do that for me?”

Akaashi squinted his eyes and drew his lips into a thin line and then resumed his typical poker face within an instant.

“Yes, sir. Of course.” he muttered as he walked on to the sales floor. He was in no mood to deal with people, but the only other option was to quit and go home. It would be too much trouble to find a new job before he graduated and the store was already understaffed. Other people would suffer if he walked out. He would just have to deal with it.

Customers were especially needy and unintelligent that night. Akaashi spent most of the night giving cold icy stares and speaking as little as humanly possible. The minutes seemed to drag by. Three felt like twenty. Every time someone approached Akaashi he felt like an imposter. He despised pretending to be polite and to care about what people wanted when all he really wanted to do was not exist. To sleep eternally.

After his shift ended, he gradually made his way home. He was tired. Too tired to move fast or to be in any sort of hurry. He wished he could just sleep on the floor somewhere. Maybe after a long, long sleep he’d be capable of making it the entire way home. Or maybe if he slept in an alley, he’d just die there instead. Somebody would knife him in his sleep for his wallet and he’d just bleed out in the darkness.

Eventually, Akaashi make it home. Slamming the door closed, he stripped for the second time that day and laid on the floor. He lay there for some time at the edge of bursting into tears. He fought them back and gave himself to sleep instead.

**. . .**

When Akaashi awoke, he checked the time out of habit and promptly rolled over on the floor, covering himself with some dirty clothes and accidently knocking over a pile of trash. It was time to get ready for class, but that wasn’t an option today. He laid there drifting in and out of sleep for hours. He had resigned himself to staying asleep on the floor forever, but his bladder had other plans. He didn’t want to piss himself, so he finally sluggishly plucked himself from the floor. His body ached from sleeping on the floor and he felt bruises forming on his sides and arms. His neck felt wonky and wouldn’t turn all the way without sending a sharp pain down his spine. After a few minutes of getting his body to function semi-body-like, he staggered to the bathroom.

When he re-entered back in to his room, he promptly stretched himself back onto the floor. He laid there for some time without falling asleep. His stomach began to hurt from hunger. He tried to ignore it, but he finally conceded that the pain wouldn’t falter without actually feeding himself.  He pried himself from the floor and crossed over into the kitchen. He peered into the fridge and cabinets multiple times before letting out a sigh and resigning to the floor again.

This time he grabbed his phone. He needed something to distract him. A few hours of mindless internet use would be something. It’d be something to take his mind off everything. The nothingness he felt. The emptiness. The darkness.

When he woke up his phone, there were several notifications waiting for him.

**1 Missed Call**

**3 New Messages**

**Reminder: Study for test tomorrow**

**Reminder: Finish chapter 7**

**7 New Emails**

Akaashi stared at the notifications only feeling stress building inside him. He dismissed the notifications for now. He didn’t think he was capable of taking in information right now. As for the test tomorrow, he’d just have to wing it.

_The writing though. . . That I need to take care of. It’s not going well. I feel like shit now so maybe I’ll be able to convey some of that into my work. To be able to show the bleakness of the human condition._

Akaashi lifted himself to a sitting position at the small low sitting table in his room. He opened his laptop and stared into the still open document. He moved his hands to rest on the keyboard and focused on the cursor.

Minutes passed.

Blink.

His face scrunched up.

Blink.

He eyebrow twitched.

Blink.

His lips began forming a snarl.

Blink.

His stomach growled again, indicting a pang of uncomfortableness.

_Maybe some food will help get my brain rolling. I haven’t eaten since. . ._

Akaashi sat there and wondered for a moment, not remembering the last time he’d eaten, when another growl from his stomach distracted him.

_Okay. Okay._

He walked back to the fridge and took stock of its contents: an opened bottle of soy sauce, the bento he’d bought on Sunday, and one onigiri. The freezer was comprised of a partially empty pack of karaage and frostbite. The cabinets held one cup of instant noodles and a bag of chips.

_Yes. Great brain food here. Great food to make me feel great. Yes._

Akaashi grabbed the bento from the fridge and examined it carefully. It was already past its expiration date and it’d been sitting in the fridge for days now. He grimaced as he stared at the raw fish in it. He remembered is nightmare from yesterday and threw the bento back into the fridge. He wasn’t taking chances with anything microscopic today. Never would be too soon. He stared back at his other options: instant noodles, chips, one lone onigiri, or karaage that he’d have to cook. He hated them all. Irritated, he grabbed the onigiri and chips and shuffled back to his post at his laptop. He shoved the onigiri in his mouth and stared at the screen.

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

_Fuck this._

Akaashi slammed the laptop shut and laid on the floor in defeat. He lay there motionless for some time without thinking. After a while, he grabbed the chips and ate while he starred at the wall. When half of the chips had been ingested, Akaashi rolled to his back and shut his eyes.

_Why? Why is everything so hard? Why am I like this? I don’t want to exist anymore. It’d be so much easier_.

He rolled into a ball on his side.

_Not existing sounds so nice. No responsibilities. No emptiness. No anything unpleasant._

Akaashi let these thoughts roll around his head for some time until he accidentally drifted off to sleep.

**. . .**

Akaashi woke from his sleep slowly and peacefully. It was still dark out and the city was quiet. He found himself on the floor with random bits of clothes covering himself as a makeshift blanket. Rising, he rubbed his eyes and looked around.

_This room is messy._

He grabbed his phone on the table to check the time.

**5:14 AM**

_Early. Way too early._

Akaashi sat there letting his eyes adjust to the lights that he’d left on yesterday. There was no point in going back to sleep. He’d just feel more tired.

_Might as well get some things done._

He stretched and began gathering layers of clothes from the floor. He deposited most of them into his laundry hamper and towered the rest on top with hopes they wouldn’t travel back down to the ground. He walked to the kitchen and pulled a large trash bag from under the sink. He began filling it with every loose scrap of paper and disposable food container in sight. When all the trash was picked up, he placed the bag near the door to take out later. He walked back into his room and scanned around.

His room was plain. It lacked things that made it feel like a home. Or even lived in. The apartment was furnished with a box-spring bed on a small frame with a light brown headboard and footboard, a desk, directly beside the bed that Akaashi frequently did his homework at, a small square chabudai table that sat behind it, and a short bookcase that was no more than three feet tall and four feet long on the opposite wall. There was a large sliding glass door to the small balcony covering the vast majority of the wall opposite his bed.

With the dirty clothes and trash picked up, the lack of personal items became more apparent. There were plenty of books in the bookshelf, but the top of it sat bare now. No personal effects or mementos showcasing precious memories. The chabudai held Akaashi’s laptop and underneath it sat two zabuton pillows. His desk had various books, a lamp, and school supplies scattered across it. Its drawers held headphones, cords, and a few random items. A large blackout curtain covered the sliding doors keeping the room dark. His bag was still laying on the floor from when he’d thrown it down yesterday.

His kitchen had precious few utensils and even less decoration. The only things that sat out where an old rice cooker that Akaashi wasn’t sure if it was still functional since it hadn’t been used in a very long time and a microwave. That is, unless you count the dishes in the sink.

The bathroom held only the essentials and some towels, when clean. It was also in desperate need of being cleaned, but Akaashi pushed that thought to the back of his head. That was a job for a very up day.

Deciding that picking up clothes and trash was more than enough effort for the day, he searched though the few remaining clothes in his closet to find clothes for the day. After picking something without really looking at it, he made his way back to the table and sat on a cushion. Out of habit, he grabbed his phone to impulsively check the time again.

**5:37 AM**

_Well. Okay._

He began to go through his phone when he noticed the icons notifying him of the missed calls and messages he’d received yesterday. He flipped to the missed call first.

**Missed Call: Bokuto Koutarou**

Akaashi stared at the name for some time before he realized who Bokuto Koutarou was. When it finally hit him, he felt his blood left his entire body. His heart stopped and he felt like he was on fire.

”F-fuck” He whispered softly to himself.

_How long has this been here? What if he’s mad I didn’t respond? I’m such an asshole._

He clumsily switched over to his messaging app.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Hey! Hey! Hey!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Sorry it took so long to call you! I hope you’re not mad at me! Kintaro ATE my phone Tuesday and I had to get a new one….

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Oh! That might not make sense. Kintaro was the Dalmatian. And he’s fine. (๑˘︶˘๑)

Akaashi stared at the messages. He felt like he’d been doing a lot of staring lately, but he wasn’t sure if what he was looking at was real. Bokuto hadn’t said anything about Akaashi not responding to him. He just seemed happy. Friendly. Very friendly.

Unable to fully process the call and messages, Akaashi flipped over to check his email and clear his reminders. Unsure if he’d imagined Bokuto texting him, he flipped back to his messages. Bokuto’s messages sat there, proudly displaying themselves to Akaashi.

_Shit. I need to reply. What do I say?_

Petrified by terror, his eyes wandered to the time.

5:52 AM

_Shit. I can’t answer right now. It’s way too early in the morning. That’s creepy. I can’t send some guy I just met good morning texts._

Akaashi shook at the thought and began biting the skin around his fingers.

_Okay. Okay. Text him later. That’ll give you time to think. For now, just study for your test._

Akaashi set an alarm for 6:45 and opened his textbook. His eyes traced over the words on the pages, but his mind wandered to a handsome stranger with strange hair and too many dogs.

After what felt like only seconds, Akaashi’s alarm was going off for him to finish getting ready for class. He exchanged his textbooks in his bag and brushed his teeth before heading out the door.

He made a leisurely trip to campus, making sure to enjoy the greens of the grasses and trees on campus and the flow of the river flowing through it forgetting entirely about the texts waiting for a response on his phone.

The first part of his day passed quickly and without ardor. He still had his test in the afternoon that he needed to prep some for. He walked to the library and took his usual spot to focus. He unlocked his phone to set an alarm when he remembered he still hadn’t replied to Bokuto. Biting his lip, he began typing.

**[Akaashi]** : Hey. Sorry I didn’t respond. I was busy and didn’t notice you’d called or messaged.

_It sounds stupid. So plain. Lacking any personality. He’ll think I’m mad at him. I can’t send that. Maybe I shouldn’t even text him at all._

He moved his thumb to delete the text, but the phone began to slide from his hand and his thumb landed on the send button.

**Message Sent.**

_Fuck_.

Akaashi read the message again and again, willing it to sound better. To sound smarter. To sound like it hadn’t come from a computer.

_Fuck. Add something. Fix it._

**[Akaashi** ] Glad to hear Kintaro is okay, though.

He moved the phone in his hand to adjust and analyze the composed text and his thumb bumped the screen again.

**Message Sent.**

_Fuck_.

_Well. If he never speaks to me again, at least I know why._

Akaashi turned his phone off completely and began to attempt to read his notes for the test. His eyes meandered over to his phone periodically, despite it being turned off. He didn’t get much review done by the time break was over, but he’d stopped caring soon after he began.

The next few hours passed in a blur. Akaashi took the test and finished class without really paying attention to any of it. His mind glued to his phone. He walked home directly, not daring to turn his phone back on. He needed to be alone to let it officially set in that the handsome stranger from the park was never going to speak to him again.

When he got home, he placed his bag on the floor and resumed his same position at the table from the morning. He pulled the phone delicately from his bag and pressed the power button. The screen lit up and the phone displayed its logo for a few seconds. Anxious, he tossed his phone on the table and walked to the kitchen to grab the bottle of green tea. He pulled the bottle from the fridge as if it were a snake, and gently closed the door, eyes focused on his phone across the room. It was done loading and it looked like there were messages. Akaashi sauntered over the table, placing his palm over the screen to cover it, while he sat. Moving his hand under the phone, he grabbed it and stared at the screen.

**2 New Messages**

Unsure what to think, Akaashi unlocked the phone and opened the messaging app.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Hey! No worries! I’m just glad you answered me!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : How are you?

Akaashi gulped.

_Well. Obviously, he’s just being polite._

**[Akaashi]** : I’m fine.

_Crap. That’s cold._

**[Akaashi]** : How are you?

Akaashi sat seething over his response. He was no conversationalist. The icon indicating that Bokuto was typing appeared, breaking Akaashi from his steam of self-loathing.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : I’m great! I’m out walking the dogs right now!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I think Hatsuharu misses you! ∪＾ェ＾∪

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : He just doesn’t seem to be satisfied with my pats after being patted by you.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Though I can’t say I blame him. ＼(＾▽＾)／

_Is he. . .  Is he flirting with me? No. He just must be really friendly._

**[Akaashi]** : I’m glad to hear you are well.

**[Akaashi]** : I highly doubt Hatsuharu could be dissatisfied with your pats.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : No! He is! He told me so!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : He misses you Akaashi!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : He wants to see you again really soon!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : And so do I!

Akaashi read the words over and over again. This guy was friendly. Too friendly. He began to type a text in response.

**Draft** :

**[Akaashi]** : Bokuto-san, you don’t have to be so nice to me. I don’t blame you for the other day. Its really not nec

 

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Am I being too forward??

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : I always get told I’m too much for people. And I overwhelm them. But..

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : I know we just met and all.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : And we talked for maybe five minutes.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : But I really would like to see you again.

**Draft Deleted**

**[Akaashi]:** Why?

Akaashi slammed his head against the table. He hadn’t meant to say that. It just happened. He’d typed it before he’d realized it. He lifted his head to look back at the screen.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : You looked so beautiful sleeping. So serene.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : And you seemed so nice.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : I’m drawn to you. I don’t know if I can explain it.

Akaashi grimaced. This guy was kind of creepy.

_Who actually says those kinds of things to people?_

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : I know this is a lot

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : But will you meet me for coffee this Sunday?

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Feel free to say no.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : It’s not the date I want to take you on to apologize for Hatsuharu. I just would like to see you.

Akaashi’s heart fluttered at the thought of coffee with the man. Coffee was something his speed. It was controlled. Coffee didn’t leave a lot of time for awkward silences. If things went poorly he wouldn’t have to go on an actual date with him.

**[Akaashi]** : I might be able to do coffee Sunday. Only if I don’t have any homework to do.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : That’s great! (((o(*°▽°*)o)))

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : You’re a student?

**[Akaashi]** : Yes. Fourth year.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : That’s great! What do you study?

**[Akaashi]** : Business.

**[Akaashi]** : My father owns his own business and I’m preparing to take over.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : That’s so cool!!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : I graduated last year!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : I majored in Botany! :D

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : I really hope you can come Sunday. I’ll understand if you have work to do though.

**[Akaashi]** : I’ll try my best.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : That’s all I need to hear!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Here’s some added inspiration!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : _[Image Attached]_

Akaashi clicked on the photo. It was a selfie of Bokuto holding Hatsuharu. It looked like Hatsuharu had decided to lick Bokuto’s face just as Bokuto snapped the picture. Bokuto’s face was lit up in laughter in response. One side of his face was scrunched up with one eye closed and one staring into the camera. He looked euphoric. And handsome.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : I have to go. The dogs are getting restless.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : I can’t run with them and text or I’ll run into another pole.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Can I text you later?

_Another pole?_

_Can he text me later?_

Akaashi pondered to himself. He hadn’t hated the conversation entirely. He found himself smiling softly at the ridiculous man.

**[Akaashi]** : Sure.

**[Akaashi]** : Later.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Later Akaaashiii!

Akaashi set the phone down softly and laid on his back.

_A Botanist, huh? I guess that’s one of those degrees that are hard to find jobs with. I wonder if that’s why he’s dog walking._

_Well. It looks like I have homework to do._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics are from Death Cab for Cutie's song You've Haunted Me All My Life. I do not own the song or take any credit for it. I do recommend you listen to it and lots of other Death Cab for Cutie songs.
> 
> Akaashi's dream is based on my mental image of part of Akutagawa's work Rashomon. At least that's how I envision the castle.
> 
> I'm terrible at making the Japanese style emoticons so I pulled the ones that Bokuto used from: http://kaomoji.ru/en/.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of Akaashi masturbating in the beginingish just in case anyone wants to avoid that. Starts in the section that starts "Akaashi was in a room of people" and is over by the next section break

_The sky. Space. The unknown._

_Somehow the unknown is less terrifying than what I do know._

_At least there’s possibilities there._

* * *

 

Akaashi didn’t hear from Bokuto anymore that night. He plowed through his homework, convincing himself that he would’ve been this productive even if he didn’t have a date Sunday.

_No. Not a date. Coffee. An obligation. Strictly business._

He stifled a yawn and stretched. He’d been doing work productively for hours. It’d been years since he’d gotten so much work done in one sitting. He glanced over to the time on his laptop.

**2:52 AM**

He grabbed a list he’d constructed that listed every assignment that was past due, what was due now, and everything needed to be done in the next week. In the last ten hours, he’d gone down the list steadily and was now left with two items: read chapter 5 in Econ and test on Friday. He’d already completed all the work needed to prep for the test, so all he’d have to do is review when it got closer to time.

His eyes wandered to his Econ textbook. The chapter was long, over 50 pages, and dense. It was one of those things that was horrendous to go through and was bound to be even more torturous at three am.

_I can just read it this weekend. I only have to work Saturday night and I won’t spend all day Sunday with Bokuto. It’s not a big deal if I don’t finish anyway_.

Leaving his homework mess on the table, Akaashi dove into bed.

_Am I really going to say yes to coffee? He did say I could decline. It’s not the date that I already agreed to. It’s an extra obligation. An optional obligation._

Akaashi snuggled himself farther into his blankets and stared toward his balcony. The curtains were cracked slightly, letting a sliver of the city night in.

_Maybe I should go. He seems. Interesting. Even if he is a bit much to handle, he’s much better than the boringness of everything else. Boringness of everyone else._

He replayed their interaction in the park in his mind. The way Bokuto couldn’t betray any emotion that occurred to him. That smile. The dogs. Way too many dogs. His exuberance over texts. That picture he sent Akaashi.

Remembering the picture, Akaashi grabbed his phone and opened the messaging app. A little disappointed there weren’t any new messages despite it now being three in the morning, he scrolled up to the picture Bokuto sent earlier and enlarged it. He spent a moment trying to memorize every feature of Bokuto’s face. The strange white and black hair, the thick eyebrows, those luminous yellow eyes, the tiny silver hoop nose ring, the two small gauges with black spacers, and the wide smile. Staring at the picture filled him with an emotion he couldn’t quite put a name to. It wasn’t love. He didn’t know the man well enough for that. There was a bit of sexual interest, which was unusual for Akaashi, but that was separate from this nameless emotion. The only word he could come up with was yearning. He yearned to be near the man.

_I’m drawn to you. I can’t explain it._

Akaashi mouthed the words Bokuto had sent earlier over text. The very words that made Akaashi cringe earlier. He cringed again thinking about it. He exited from the messaging app and pushed his phone to the side.

_Is this one of those psychological things where if somebody acts like they like you, your brain convinces you that you like them?_

_Yeah. That’s it. I’m just confused. He just transferring his feelings to me and its making me think they’re mine. Something about . . . transference, I think?_

Having decided that transference was the only logical conclusion, Akaashi settled into bed and let his mind drift off to sleep.

**. . .**

Akaashi was in a room of people. They were discussing someone. He recognized one guy as someone he’d dated before. There was a girl and another guy there. They all felt familiar like they were good friends. They were discussing someone. Akaashi knew it was Bokuto. He could just feel it. They were going on about something about how Bokuto had been ignoring them. He’d been texting someone and blowing them off. He had a crush on someone. Akaashi felt guilty. It was him. He’d been why Bokuto had been blowing people off. The conversation shifted. They talked about how Bokuto had been rejected. But that wasn’t right. Akaashi hadn’t rejected him. Not really. They all decided to have a meeting to talk to Bokuto about it. Suddenly Akaashi was outside of a meeting room and Bokuto was walking down the hall toward him, looking dejected. Akaashi went to him and embraced him. Bokuto was crying and Akaashi didn’t want to let Bokuto go.

Somewhere down the hall a door slammed shut.

Akaashi jolted awake. He looked around and saw his room. He was alone. Disappointed, he closed his eyes and tried to imagine the embrace he had just been dreaming of. Bokuto’s large arms wrapped around him and Bokuto seeming like a giant over him. The warmth. He thought about how Bokuto had embraced him the other day. The smell of dogs and something else that Akaashi couldn’t quite place. Dirt or flowers maybe.

Dissatisfied with the imaginary embrace, Akaashi opened his eyes again. He felt that dreadful word again. Yearning. He yearned for Bokuto in the most innocent way. Just to be around him. Just to hear him and see that smile. To watch him laugh and have him tell about running into poles. To feel his warmth. To know him.

But he too yearned for him in other ways. He remembered those full lips. He wanted to feel those lips kissing down his neck while Bokuto murmured Akaashi’s name wrongly again and again. He wanted to feel those muscular hands running all over him. Akaashi wanted to run his hands through Bokuto’s strange hair while he sat on Bokuto’s lap.

Akaashi could feel his already hard member pulsate at the thought of sitting on Bokuto’s lap. He closed his eyes and slid his hand down his stomach softly and sliding down his shorts. He traced down his dick softly with one finger before loosely grasping it and stroking softly.

He pulled up the image of him sitting on Bokuto’s lap again, but naked this time. He thought about his hands in Bokuto’s hair while they kissed. Bokuto biting softly on Akaashi and his hands on Akaashi’s hips. Akaashi removing one hand from Bokuto’s hair to run it over Bokuto’s muscular body and down to grasp his cock. Akaashi imagined the sound Bokuto would make as Akaashi grasped him.

Akaashi moaned a little in response, his grip tightening on his own cock and his pace becoming more rapid.

He thought about Bokuto fingering him, widening him up. Akaashi bouncing on Bokuto’s fingers as Bokuto watched him. Bokuto mouthing over Akaashi’s nipples while murmuring about how beautiful Akaashi was. Bokuto removing his fingers and moving Akaashi over his dick. How they would kiss deeply as Akaashi lowered himself on Bokuto’s dick. How they would moan in each other’s mouths from pleasure.

Breathing heavily, Akaashi stroked himself desperately. The thought of Bokuto’s cock sliding in and out of him the only thought in his mind.

He thought of Bokuto getting more and more excited and crying out Akaashi’s name as he fucked him. He would extend Akaashi’s name like he’d done before in the park. Akaasashii

Thinking about Bokuto calling Akaashi’s name pushed him over. Akaashi moaned out as he came in his hand.

Panting, he tried to comprehend what just happened.

_Did I just… masturbate to… Bokuto?_

_What._

_The._

_Fuck._

_Keiji._

Ashamed, he got out of bed and promptly went to the bathroom to turn on the water for a cold shower. He stripped off his shirt with his clean hand and looked down at himself. His cock was already partially hard again. He thought about Bokuto fucking him again and his cock twitched with excitement.

_How am I supposed to look this guy in the eyes again after that?_

He leaned against the wall outside of the shower.

_Those eyes. Those lips._

Akaashi moved his right hand back to his fully erect cock. The cum on his hand lubed it and felt nice. He moved his other hand to his nipple and began to tug at it. The warm wetness of his hand felt nice, and his mind wandered to a blowjob. He thought about what a blowjob would feel like from Bokuto. He groaned slightly thinking about those full lips being around his cock. The warmth of Bokuto’s mouth on him. The feeling of his tongue licking Akaashi’s cock. Those lips wrapped tightly around his cock. The pouty face Bokuto would make as he stared up at Akaashi with those golden orbs.

Akaashi cried out as he spilled out into his hand again and onto the bathroom floor. He slid down the wall and sat for a moment, trying to gather his bearings.

_Keijij._

_What._

_In._

_The world._

_Are you doing?_

_You need a very, very cold shower indeed._

**. . .**

After the icy cold shower, Akaashi quickly got dressed. He was practically an Akashi-cicle at this point, and he didn’t want to risk being naked again. He was ashamed of masturbating to Bokuto, even though Bokuto was an extremely attractive man, it still felt dirty and wrong. Akaashi felt like he’d disrespected Bokuto somehow. Violated him.

_In a way, you did, with your dick in his mou-_

Akaashi shook his head in attempt to void his head of impure thoughts.

_No more thinking about those perfect blowjob lips!_

He silently cursed his dreams for his sudden horniness. Dreams always had a way of festering in his brain and warping his thinking.

_Dreams are weird. It’s only because of the dream. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have done that._

He shook his head again, trying to push the entire morning further from his head and existence, and reached for his phone. He’d immediately gotten up, masturbated, showered, and not even thought about what time it was or what day it was.

**9:52 AM**

_Ah. It’s early still._

Rather than risk falling back asleep and repeating this morning, although it was a very nice morning, Akaashi settled down at his table to read his econ book. It was the least sexy thing he could do, so he embraced it with zest.

Three hours, fifty pages, and multiple head shakes to clear the image of Bokuto’s beefy hand wrapped around Akaashi’s dick later, Akaashi finished reading the econ chapter.

Akaashi stretched at the table. He felt drained. Usually the reading for that class was tough, but it was exponentially tougher when his mind kept wandering. He laid his head down on the table.

_Literally all your homework is done now. You have no excuse to not accept the invitation tomorrow. What are you going to do? If you’re not going to go, you should probably answer him soon so he can make other plans._

_I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know._

Akaashi kept repeating those words to himself. After some time, he grabbed his phone to see if Bokuto had texted him. He unlocked it, but no new notifications popped up. Frowning slightly, Akaashi clicked the messaging app icon and entered the conversation between him and Bokuto. The last message Bokuto had sent the other day still sat there as the most recent. Akaashi locked his phone and set it face down on the table. He slowly banged his forehead on the table a few times and then rested his forehead on the table.

_Why hasn’t he messaged me again? He asked if he could text me later. I figured he would ask about tomorrow. Maybe he doesn’t want to go anymore?_

Letting out a long sigh, Akaashi looked at the time again.

**1:15 PM**

He still had roughly three hours until he needed to leave for work.  Not long enough for a nap. Homework was done. He could go buy food. Or clean. Or maybe write. Or read. Akaashi sat and pondered the options. None of them really sounded appealing. He didn’t want to do anything, but sitting around doing absolutely nothing, didn’t seem like a real option. He should be writing, but nothing had come to him lately and he didn’t think that he’d be able to produce anything of quality.  However, he did have laundry. A lot of laundry. A literal mountain of laundry. Akaashi lifted his head and peered over to the corner where he’d gathered his laundry the other day. It had fallen over and the spilled on to the floor. Practically every article of clothing Akaashi owned was in that pile of clothes. Akaashi signed and knocked his head against the table again. Forcing himself to get up, he jumped up and started gathering laundry. Luckily the apartment complex had a laundry facility on site so he wouldn’t have to go far.

A couple hours later and approximately five loads of laundry later, Akaashi toted his laundry back to his apartment and began to fold and hang it. Normally, he would’ve let it air dry, but there wasn’t enough space to air dry five loads of laundry. Plus, it was unlikely that he would ever get back to it if he didn’t take care of it now.

By the time laundry was put away, it was time for Akaashi to get ready for work. Thankful the day was progressing quickly, Akaashi got dressed and prepared for work. He hoped today wouldn’t be too bad. On Saturdays, a lot of teenagers usually came in. They weren’t terrible, per say, but they were annoying. They were too loud and needy.

**. . .**

Akaashi’s shift was a nightmare. There were teenagers everywhere. They were loud and needy, as usual. Worse yet, they kept grabbing things and leaving them elsewhere. Some, in attempt to make a political statement, would turn entire sections of books backwards in protest. At least, that’s the only thing Akaashi could assume. A few decided they needed to animatedly play with the children’s toys and then run away when employees approached. The immaturity of it, irritated Akaashi to no end. The adults that came in were almost worse. The middle-aged adults gave off a self-entitled air and tried to make Akaashi feel like a lesser being. The elderly folks insisted on telling Akaashi their life story in slow and excruciating detail while Akaashi tried not to make a pained face and hoped someone would rescue him. By the time his shift was over, Akaashi had worked up a sweat in attempt to help every customer and trying to make sure the store wasn’t an utter disaster. He was exhausted by the time nine hit. Just as Akaashi was heading to clock out, the manager on duty approached him and asked if he minded staying until ten to help keep things orderly. Reluctantly, Akaashi agreed and went back to gathering abandoned books and re-shelving them.

Akaashi didn’t clock out until ten-thirty. The manager apologized and thanked Akaashi profusely, but Akaashi was too weary to care. He slowly stumbled home, and immediately dived into bed. He glanced at his phone briefly to see if he had any new messages. No new messages or notifications awaited him. Akaashi tossed his phone toward the table in protest and turned over so his back faced it.

_I guess I’m not meeting Bokuto for coffee tomorrow. If he still wanted to go, he would’ve texted me again by now._

A wave of sadness washed over Akaashi. He was disappointed, but also somewhat relieved. Trying to push it aside, Akaashi focused on his breathing until he fell asleep.

**. . .**

Akaashi woke to the pain of hunger. He hadn’t eaten yesterday and his body was protesting.

_Damn frail human body._

Sitting up and rubbing his eyes, he wondered what he had that would actually be edible.

Staggering into the kitchen, Akaashi opened the cabinet and grabbed a cup of noodles. It was the easiest thing to make. He put some water in the electric kettle and let it begin to warm up. While he waited, he walked over to the balcony door and pushed the thick curtains aside.  The sun hadn’t made it very high in the sky yet and the city was somewhat soft still. A few people were up and bustling around, despite it being a Sunday morning. He watched them scuttle around and pondered what kinds of things people did on Sunday mornings until the sound of a whistle from the kettle caught his attention. Shuffling back over to the kitchen, Akaashi poured water into his cup of noodles. He brought the cup back into the main room and sat to where he could stare out the window. He felt oddly calm. He didn’t have anything he had to do and he wasn’t plagued with feeling of doubt and self-hatred at the moment. After his noodles softened and the water cooled, he began eating. No more than two bites in, out of the corner of his eye he noticed his phone lit up on the table. With noodles half hanging out of his mouth, he reached over to pick it up, wondering what kind of notification he’d gotten.

**4 New Messages**

Confused, Akaashi unlocked the phone and opened the messaging app.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Goooood mooorniiing Akaaaashiiii!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Kuroo told me not to bother you, but I can’t take it anymore! Did you finish your homework? Do you want to meet today?

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Please say yes!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Oh, and Kuroo is my best bro. He says hi, btw.

Akaashi reread the messages over and over. He closed the messaging app and placed the phone face down on the table. Remembering the noodles hanging from his mouth, he finished chewing and stared at the wall for some time, unable to process what was happening.

After finishing his noodles, he got up to throw away the container still in a daze. Coming back from the kitchen, he hesitated, staring at his phone from a distance, and promptly decided he needed to wash dishes.

When the dishes were washed, counters wiped down, trashed picked up in the kitchen, old food thrown out of the fridge, and all other excuses for lingering in the kitchen gone, Akaashi sat back down at the table. He unlocked his phone to find two new messages.

**Bokuto Koutarou:** Aaaakaaashhiiii….

**Bokuto Koutarou:** Is that a no? It’s okay if it is… I understand.

A small wave of dread rushed through Akaashi. He’d forgotten that Bokuto could see when Akaashi had read the messages. It’d already been close to an hour since Akaashi had read the first set of messages.

_Shit. Shit. Shit. I have to make a decision right now. What am I going to do?_

Akaashi tried to put his brain toward debating the pros and cons of going out with Bokuto, but no cognitive functions were happening. He thought nothing. If the inner workings of his brain at that very second were to be portrayed, they would appear vaguely like a field of grass with fog so dense that gives no more than a foot of view.

Minutes passed by quickly. Akaashi began sweating and his heart rate was quickening by the minute. A new message caught his attention. His heart jolted.

**Bokuto Koutarou:** Ah! I bet you’re too polite to know how to decline! I’m so sorry Akaashi! Don’t worry about it! Enjoy your Sunday!!! ヽ(*・ω・)ﾉ

Akaashi’s heart disintegrated from its previous effort. It crumbled away into small ashen pieces and blew away into the ocean. The ocean’s origin was the tears welling up in Akaashi’s eyes. His hand shook violently now. He set his hand down hard and blinked away the excess water in his eyes, making sure that none went streaming down his cheek.

_It hurts. Why does it hurt?_

He pondered to himself quietly while curling up into a ball.

_Why is everything always like this? Why does everything hurt?_

He felt his mind returning to its prior dense state. The pain residing as he numbed himself from emotion. He began thinking about his plan. How Bokuto was in no part of the plan. How he could be a problem to the plan. How nice his smile is.

Akaashi hurt in many ways. He wanted an outlet for his pain. Anything to make it stop until he could free himself of pain forever.

Akaashi made a decision.

He slowly sat up. He focused on his breathing until it was calm and deep. He scrubbed his face quickly and took another deep breath. He felt like a different person.

Calmly, he unlocked his phone and began typing into the still open messaging app.

**Akaashi** : Bokuto-san, I have finished all my homework. I would like very much to meet you for coffee if you’re still interested.

Immediately, he received a message back.

**Bokuto Koutarou:**!

**Bokuto Koutarou:** ☆*:.｡.o(≧▽≦)o.｡.:*☆

**Bokuto Koutarou:** Yes! Of course! When do you want to meet?

Still calm and collected, Akaashi replied immediately.

**Akaashi:** Whenever you would like, Bokuto-san.

**Bokuto Koutarou:** Do you live near campus?

**Akaashi** : Yes.

**Bokuto Koutarou:** Want to meet at that coffee shop across the street from the art building in an hour?

**Bokuto Koutarou:** Or is later better for you?

**Bokuto Koutarou:** Or somewhere else??

**Akaashi** : That’s fine if that’s what you want, Bokuto-san.

**Bokuto Koutarou:** See you in an hour then!

Akaashi finally remembered to look at the clock for the first time that morning.

**10:58 AM**

_So, noon. It’ll only take me ten minutes to get over there so I have about fifty minutes to get ready._

Akaashi shifted slightly on the floor. He could smell sweat, bookstore, and ramen lingering on his skin. It made him uneasy.

_Gotta shower. Then get dressed and head over there._

_Shit. What am I going to wear?_

Panic flooded over Akaashi and he scuttled into the bathroom to shower in record time so he’d have more time to pick out clothes.

Eventually, he decided on a pair of dark jeans and a soft baggy grey scooped neck t-shirt matched with a plain dark brown leather belt and brown leather dress shoes. It wasn’t very dressy and date like, per say, but it was the end of May and it was getting hot outside.

Standing in the mirror, he felt plain. He looked like some awkward teenager. Pulling his eyes, from himself, he checked the time.

_20 minutes left._

He decided to grab his watch and messenger bag for accessories and headed out the door.

**. . .**

It only took him eight minutes to walk to the coffee shop. He peered around for Bokuto to no avail. He settled in a booth near the door and began admiring the shop.

It was a small independently owned coffee shop. The menu on the wall was a large chalkboard and all the items were written neatly in chalk. There were wood beams, tables, booths, counters. All the wood was a strange choice, but it was paired with plants scattered across the shop and soft lights. The combination of it all gave it a rustic but also industrial style look. There were soft sad sounding songs playing on speakers overhead. Aside from Akaashi and the barista, there was only a handful of people in the shop, most on the opposite side of the shop. Overall, it was comfortable.

Akaashi checked his phone out of habit. Bokuto hadn’t sent him any more messages and there were still ten minutes before he was supposed to arrive.

Rather than let his mind wander off to anxious pastures, Akaashi pulled his notebook from his bag and began writing. In one of the pieces he wanted to do, the protagonist would decide against succumbing to thoughts of suicide. He imagined his protagonist coming here and finding joy in daily things like this. Maybe meeting someone that would change their life or having visited a place like the coffee shop, make a series of decisions that drastically changes them and their perspective on life. Anything could happen in fiction, after all, unlike the bland metaphysical world Akaashi was bound to.

He wrote fervently with a small smile on the corner of his lips until a small gasp caught his attention. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a figure standing a few feet away from the booth facing his direction. Slightly irritated he was being watched, he turned to confront the voyeur. A pair of golden eyes and an impressively large smile greeted him. After recognizing the face, Akaashi turned away immediately.

“Hey! Hey! Hey! Akaashi!”

“Hello, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi mumbled in response as he swiftly closed his notebook and slide it in his bag before Bokuto could inquire about it.

Bokuto stood there for a moment longer rocking on his heels and watching Akaashi before he sat in the booth across from him. His hair and jewelry choices were the same as their previous encounter, but this time he was wearing real clothes. He had a fitted white and blue stripped shirt that looked like it couldn’t take much more stretching on his chest and arms, a pair of Capri pants, and some grey sneakers.

After Akaashi had put his notebook away, he snuck a peek at the bulging muscles that sat in front of him. Bokuto shuffled and Akaashi feared he’d been too obvious, but Bokuto merely rested his chin on his hands, large smile still intact blinding Akaashi.

“Ah. Ka. Shi.” Bokuto sounded the syllables of his name out. Akaashi felt the sweat beads begin to form on his face. No way he wasn’t busted.

“Yes, Bokuto-san?”

“What would you like to drink?”

“Oh. Um.” He worried his lip and peered toward the large menu board. He didn’t usually go to places except for the convenience store anymore. “Black coffee should be fine.”

Bokuto made a slightly disgusted face. “You’re sure about that?”

“Yes, please.”

Bokuto’s face resumed its original cheer. Akaashi momentarily wished there was a warning before Bokuto smiled because it was so blinding, but also because he felt like he should have to pay to see something so astounding.

“Okay, Akaashi! I’ll be right back!” Bokuto eagerly shouted before springing up and briskly walking to the counter.

Akaashi sighed and looked out the window. He’d made it this far. After his mini-meltdown he’d calmed down enough to get here without letting his mind carry him away with worry. But now that he was here, his panic was beginning to build up again.

_What are we even going to talk about? How long is long enough? What if he thinks I’m boring? What if he’s just here because he feels obligated to be nice to me? What if it’s the opposite? What if he has bad intentions? What if?_

Akaashi began scratching at his fingers under the table and biting the inside of his mouth simultaneously.

“Here you go, Akaashi!” Bokuto cheerfully sang as he placed the mug in front of Akaashi, breaking him from his train wreck of a thought process.

Akaashi grasped the mug with both hands feeling the warmth radiate from the cup to his hands. Lifting his attention from the mug to Bokuto, he mumbled, “Thank you, Bokuto-san.”

In response, Bokuto smiled so big that he shut his eyes for a brief moment in excitement. Immediately following his look of pure elation, his face turned serious.

“That wasn’t homework you were working on, was it? I don’t want to be a burden to you.”

Caught slightly off guard by Bokuto’s stern face, Akaashi drew a sharp breath in.

“No. That was something personal. Don’t worry you’re not a burden.”

“You’re sure?” He leaned in slightly in what appeared an attempt to judge the validity of Akaashi’s words.

“Yes, Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto’s rather large smile returned. He looked so elated that Akaashi wondered if he was going to sprout flowers soon. Or sparkles. Or sunshine.

“So. Akaashi. You said you were a business major, right? How do you like your classes? Do you go to this university or another?” Bokuto spouted out questions rapid-fire.

“This university. Classes are fine.” Akaashi replied from habit, immediately wincing internally at how cold he sounded. He looked back toward the window and watched people walking past in the street.

“That’s great! I bet business is really hard. I don’t think I could pay attention long enough to get it. Too stiff for me. And so many rules! Argh!” His face showed stress when he said rules. He brought his hands up to his hair momentarily as if he were going to pull it out.

Akaashi grimaced slightly at the word stiff. If business was stiff than so was he. Bokuto seemed to notice this movement and added “Not that I think you’re stiff!”. He shook both of his hands in the air rapidly to negate the thought.

Akaashi turned his head to momentarily meet Bokuto’s eyes. He felt like they were peering into his soul and he quickly looked back down into his coffee.

“Didn’t you say your degree was in botany? I’m sure that took a lot of hard work.”

“Not really.” Bokuto beamed and rubbed the back of his head. Akaashi wondered what it felt like to run his hands through his strange hair. “It just all kinda clicked with me. I love plants so it didn’t feel hard at all. I was just doing something I loved. Although, I guess doing the basics sucked.”

“Is that so?” Akaashi cocked one eyebrow and took Bokuto in. Piercings and muscles. He wouldn’t be surprised if there were tattoos too. Plants didn’t really seem like his type of thing.

“Yup! I graduated last year! I want to work doing research on plants. Although, I really like animals too. I almost majored in zoology, but that’s hard. I couldn’t keep up with all the terminology. And the dissections.” He shuddered and gave a soft sad smile as he stared into his drink, something cold and no doubt filled with sugar. “I considered being a vet, but I couldn’t bear the thought of accidently hurting an animal or not being able to save one.” He pauses, some sad memory playing in his brain, before he perks back up “But plants are cool! I’d love to take you to some gardens or a greenhouse one day! There’s actually one on campus. Did you know that?”

“No, Bokuto-san. I didn’t realize there was.”

“There is! It’s by the science building. There’s a hybrid cherry blossom tree there that is wicked. It’s two different breeds of trees bred into one tree. You have to see it. It’s so pretty when it blooms. They don’t usually exist like that in the wild and not everyone gets to come to the university so you gotta see it!”

Bokuto’s face lit up even more when he talked about plants. He used his hands to show the trees combining. Akaashi watched and took in his passion. It was something else watching someone look so happy and so excited about something they loved.

“I think I would like to see that.”

“Really?” Bokuto almost jumped from his seat spurring a suppressed chuckle from Akaashi.

“Yes. If it’s that amazing and so close by, it’d be a shame to not see it.”

“I’ll take you to see it sometime then! Of course, it’s not blooming right now” He started to trail off and lose his excitement “but it will next March or April! We’ll just have to go back then!”

Akaashi’s face contorted for a split second.

_March. Still seeing Bokuto in March. No. That can’t happen._

Bokuto seemed to notice this too. “Uh. Sorry.” He downcast his eyes and rubbed the back of his head again. “I guess that’s a little too forward of me, huh?”

A pang of guilt went through Akaashi. He didn’t want to upset the man in front of him. He wanted to ease the pain for him. He peered out the window again.

“Ah. No. It’s not that.”

“Oh. Something wrong then?” Bokuto asked tentatively. “Or am I being too nosy?”

“It just reminded me of graduation and starting at my father’s company. I might be too busy for it then.”

This time Bokuto spoke softly. “Not really looking forward to working for your father?”

_I don’t look forward to anything_.

“No. Not really. Taking over my father’s company is what is expected of me. I don’t really have anything I dreamed of doing so I picked the responsible thing.”

This time Bokuto did jump up, knocking the booth and rattling their drinks along the way, and slammed both hands down flat on the table. His mouth formed a thin line. Instead of speaking, he looked like he was concentrating. Or possibly on the cusp of exploding. Akaashi jumped at the sound of Bokuto’s hands on the table. His eyes moved from Bokuto’s hands up to his face. It was contrite and appeared as if he was biting the inside of his mouth. After a moment of standing there and not speaking, he sat back down and crossed his arms and peered out the window for a minute. He bit his lip and knitted his eyebrows.

Akaashi braced himself for a lecture. He regretted telling him the truth.

Finally, in a serious voice he spoke. “Akaashi. Can I take you somewhere?”

“Wha. What?” Akaashi fumbled out.

“There’s something I want to show you. We don’t have to go though.”

Confused and unsure how to answer, Akaashi took a long sip of his coffee and carefully stared at the man in front of him. He had a kind of somberness to him now and waited patiently will fidgeting rapidly for Akaashi to decide.

Curiosity got the upper hand.

“Al-. Alright.”

“Heck yes!” Bokuto shouts in what sounds like a hoot.

**. . .**

Akaashi followed Bokuto through the city. Bokuto talked constantly and asked Akaashi a plethora of questions. It seemed like Bokuto never stopped moving or thinking. Akaashi watched him speak animatedly and chuckled quietly to himself. At one point, Bokuto nearly ran into a street light, but was saved by Akaashi pulling him by the wrist. Bokuto blushed with embarrassment and thanked Akaashi more than was necessary. Remembering Bokuto had mentioned that he’d ran into a pole with the dogs before, Akaashi decided to ask about it.

“Bokuto-san.”

“Hm? Yeah, Akaashi?”

“You’d mentioned something about running into a pole before with the dogs.”

“Urp!” Bokuto screeched and blushed, hiding his face.

Akaashi found himself staring at Bokuto’s reaction. Akaashi felt warmth on his own face and looked away.

“Never mind. You don’t need to tell me.”

“No, it’s okay.” He waved Akaashi’s words away, embarrassment gone. “Back when I started walking dogs I would have a lot more at one time. Now, I only look after the four. Back then I’d have seven or nine! One day I was running with them. With that many dogs, you’re kinda just at mercy of them. I had got a text from Kuroo. He was going through a hard time so I was texting back and running. Well. The dogs saw a squirrel. I was in the middle of a text and they changed course to go after the squirrel. I wasn’t paying attention and the next thing I knew I was on the ground, head pounding, and there were people and dogs standing over me.” He laughed as he recalled the story.

“Ha-“Akaashi’s hand moved to cover his mouth and he tried to stifle a chuckle. His whole body trembled, trying not to laugh audibly at Bokuto.

Bokuto stopped walking and gave Akaashi a soft embarrassed smile. “You’re beautiful when you laugh. You shouldn’t try to hide it.” He stared at Akaashi a moment longer before his eyes widened and he blushed. “Kuroo still gives me shit about running with the dogs. Tells me that texting and driving kills.”

Too caught up in being called beautiful so directly, Akaashi just looked at Bokuto out of the corner of his eye.

_Beautiful? He still thinks I’m beautiful?_

Akaashi gave a soft smile and decided to change the topic slightly. “So, those dogs aren’t yours?”

“What? No! I wish they were though!” Bokuto motioned to start walking again. He put both hands behind his head as he walked. He radiated confidence. Akaashi slipped his hands in his pocket and alternated staring at the ground and sneaking glimpses of the handsome man beside him. “I started dog walking for extra money in college. I love the dogs so much, though that I still do it. I walk them on weekdays after work. I’d probably still do it even if I didn’t get paid though.”

“Oh.” Akaashi spoke softly. “I had the impression you were a crazy dog person.” He snickered slightly and looked to see Bokuto’s reaction.

Bokuto’s mouth gaped open with a slight smile decorating the corners of this lips. “Huuuuhh? Akaaaashiiii! That’s mean!”

“I couldn’t figure out who in their right mind would have so many dogs in Tokyo.”

“Aaakaaashiii.” Bokuto whined and stopped walking again.

“Yes, Bokuto-san” Akaashi tried to force his lips from their slight turn up.

“Are you bullying your senpai?”

“No, Bokuto-san. I would never.”

Bokuto let out a hearty chuckle. “If you say so, Akaashi.” He turned forward. “Well. We’re here.”

Akaashi turned forward. They were in the same park where they’d met. In front of them was a small community garden. It was meticulously cared for. There were flowers in bloom and plants with seasonal vegetables. Akaashi marveled at the different plants and colors. It reminded him of a painting he’d once saw.

“Here.” Bokuto motioned to a bench near the garden. The boys sat and Akaashi looked to Bokuto for an explanation. Bokuto smiled at Akaashi and then looked out toward the garden. “My mom. My mom was the reason why I started even liking plants. I was always an energetic child and my parents had a hard time keeping up with me. Well. Everyone did, really, but that’s not the point. When it’d rain, she’d try to help find things for me to do because it was really hard, painful almost, for me to be stuck indoors.” His smile seemed to turn sad and he looked to the ground. “There’s this American movie she used to pull out. It was about a carnivorous Venus fly trap like plant. It was a bit crazy. We used to act out the movie. We’d sing, dance, and throw things. She’d even cook special foods to go with it.” He wrinkled his nose and smiled. “It’s really kind of a bit morbid, but I started loving plants because of that. Before I started at the college I didn’t have anywhere I could really have plants. We’d always lived in an apartment and the best we could do was some indoor plants and a window box. But then I learned about the community gardens. I take care of this one. Any flowers or fruit that grow are for whoever wants them.”

Bokuto stood up and walked over to the garden. He plucked a blue flower from one of the bushes. “Sometimes when I get sad I like to come here to look at it. It’s not much, but it’s my hard work that made it grow. And I like to think that it brings a smile to at least a couple of people’s faces. Plus,” His face darkened, “It’s food for the homeless.”

Akaashi inhaled sharply at the unexpected story.. He watched as Bokuto walked back over to him and handed him the flower. Akaashi’s head swirled. People like Bokuto deserved happiness. He deserved everything in the world. Taking the flower from Bokuto, he looked over to the garden and smelled the flower.

_But why did he bring me here to tell me about it?_

Akaashi was mulling over his thoughts when a voice in the distance interrupted the silence.

“Bo!”

_Bo?_

Akaashi looked to where the noise was coming from. There was a tall man with messy black hair and gauges jogging their way.

Bokuto looked in the direction of the voice and returned with a “Broooo! What are you doing here?”

“I somehow managed to convince Kenma to play volleyball. I’ve been trying to get some people together before he changes his mind. I’ve been calling you for thirty minutes now.”

“Huh?” Bokuto pulled out his phone and made a face. “Fifteen missed calls? Bro. I’m sorry. Akaashi and I are on a date.”

_It’s not a date._

The messy haired man turned to face Akaashi and rest his elbow on Bokuto’s shoulder. He gave Akaashi a smirk. “Ohohoho? Is that so? I’m Kuroo Tetsurou.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Akaashi Keiji.”

Kuroo’s smirk seemed to take an evil turn. Or maybe he just looked devious standing next to Bokuto’s straightforward honesty. “So. Akaashi. How about it? I’m always looking for new victims to beat in volleyball.”

“Kuroo!” Bokuto screeched and looked anxiously back and forth between Akaashi and Kuroo. “Don’t bully my date!”

Akaashi could feel his eyebrow twitch.

_This guy is a shit._

Akaashi relaxed his face and put forth his most warm and loving smile. “The only victim here will be you when Bokuto and I crush you.”

“Akaashi!” Bokuto shouted, his face lit up with excitement. “You’ll play? You’ll really play?” He hopped up and down a few times. “This is going to be great!”

Kuroo shrugged and gave Akaashi another shit eating smirk. “We’ll see about that, flower.”

His face still set with an exaggerated smile, Akaashi glared back at Kuroo.

Bokuto, oblivious of the glaring match and in a state of visible euphoria, shouts, “Hey! Hey! Hey! Let’s go meet Kenma!”.


	7. Chapter 7

_I’m a sky that nothing wants to fly in._

* * *

 

Kuroo led Akaashi and Bokuto through the park.  He put his hands in his pockets and gave a light whistle sporadically. Akaashi would catch him peeking back to where he and Bokuto walked beside each other every so often. His face was plastered with a little smug grin that made him seem like he knew a secret no one else did. Or like a cat with a canary in its mouth. It annoyed Akaashi.

“Akaashi have you ever played volleyball?” Bokuto pondered aloud.

“Yes, Bokuto-san. I used to play in high school. Although I haven’t played since I started college.”

“Really Akaashi? What position did you play?”

“Setter. What about you, Bokuto-san?”

“This guy,” Kuroo interjected, “Was one of the top five spikers in the prefecture in high school and he was a starter in college.”

“Kuroo!” Bokuto whined, “Don’t steal my thunder! I wanted to impress Akaashiiii”

_Hm. That explains the muscular arms._

Ignoring Kuroo, Akaashi replied, “That’s very impressive, Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto beamed with pride. “I am pretty great!” He laughed. “I played for three years in college as the wing spiker. We went to nationals there too.”

“So, what you’re saying,” Akaashi inferred, “is that Kuroo-san here has no chance?”

“Hey!” Kuroo shouted. His smug smirk vanished.

“Actually, that’s not true, Akaashi. Kuroo here, and Kenma too, went to nationals in high school. They didn’t play in college, but Kuroo still has his cat-like reflexes and Kenma is a genius. Kenma’s a setter too.” He paused, eyes wide and slightly afraid and mystified, and added more quietly under his breath, “Kenma is probably also a mind reader”.

_Cat-like reflexes? So, he is a damn cat. And Kenma’s a mind reader._

“Hmm.” Akaashi mused. He liked a challenge. “Is there going to be anyone else joining us?”

Bokuto turned his attention back to Kuroo so fast Akaashi feared he might’ve hurt himself. “Yeah, Kuroo! Who else did you get? It’s more fun with more people.”

“Yeah! More people to witness you lose!” Kuroo laughed like a jackal at Bokuto as he made an offended face in response. “Hinata and Dadchi will be joining us. I tried to get Tsukki, but he won’t answer my calls. I guess we’re just too much for him.” Kuroo wiped a fake tear from his eye.

_Tsukki sounds like a smart man. But Hinata. That sounds familiar. It’s a common name though._

“Dadchi and Hinata are joining us?” Bokuto screeched. “I can’t wait!” He pumped his fist in the air. “What about everyone else?”

“Nah. Kags and Tanaka have to work. Suga doesn’t _feel_ like it. That Russian cat and his boyfriend are spending the weekend together, and I haven’t gotten a response from anyone else.”

_Sounds like there’s more smart people._

They approached a clearing. There was a sandy patch of land with a volleyball net set up in the middle. The area was deserted except for one boy sitting on a bench nearby. He looked young. He was short and small statured with bleached blond hair that had grown out and showed several inches of roots. He sat hunched over on the bench playing some hand-held game with a volleyball beside him.

They walked toward the boy. Kuroo quickened his pace slightly and reached him before Akaashi and Bokuto could get near.

“Oi, Kenma. Did you miss me?” Kuroo cooed.

Without looking up or pausing his game, the boy responded, “Hello, Bokuto. Who’s this with you?”

Kuroo visibly deflated and muttered “Kitten why are you so cruel?” as he came up behind the boy and rested his chin on the top of his head and wrapped his arms around him in an embrace.

“Hey, Kenma!” Bokuto enthusiastically shouted resulting in the boy flinching from the unnecessarily loud response. “This is Akaashi Keiji. We were on a date until Kuroo crashed it.”

_Not a date._

“Bro!” Kuroo squawked. He looked at Bokuto apprehensively and then his eyes trailed down to the boy below him.

Kenma paused his game and looked up, forcing Kuroo to lift off his head and look down at his face. Kenma stared at him for a minute without speaking and then turned to Akaashi. He looked at him briefly, but shied away muttering, “Nice to meet you Keiji. I’m Kozume Kenma, but call me Kenma. Sorry this jerk is ruining your day.” and picked up his game again.

_First name? Who does this kid think he is?_

“It’s nice to meet you as well, Kenma.” Akaashi replied, not amending Kenma’s assertion or letting his irritation bubble up in his voice.

Bokuto picked up the volleyball and spun it in his hands. “Akaashi you’ll be on my team, right? I want you to set some balls for me.”

Kuroo snickered and looked at Akaashi in hopes to see him get a rise from it. Bokuto focused on tossing the ball repeatedly.

“Of course, Bokuto-san. Just remember that it’s been years since I’ve played. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep up with you.”

_Plus, we’re going to beat that ass of a cat, remember?_

Bokuto caught the ball firmly and stared at Akaashi. “I’m sure you’ll be great Akaashi.” He gave a stunning smile as if to help his argument.

_Such unwarranted faith._

“Only Bokuto and Hinata have played at the college level and have played consistently. The rest of us haven’t played competitively in years.” Kenma muttered from his video game.

“Thanks for the reassurance, Kenma.”

_But it might be more convincing if you stopped playing your game for half a second._

Kenma just nodded in response without looking up. During that brief exchange, Kuroo and Bokuto had apparently gotten distracted and resorted to passing the volleyball back and forth to each other aggressively. They were already getting competitive and each had a ridiculous grin on their face. Akaashi watched them as they moved farther and farther away from each other and Akaashi and Kenma. They were slowly heading towards the sand when an orange blur sprinted toward the ball, jumped, and spiked the ball down into the sand.

“Oi! Hinata!”

“My crow son!”

Kuroo and Bokuto shouted simultaneously at the small orange haired boy.

_Crow son_?

They both ran to him and sandwiched him in one big hug. The boy laughed and beamed, enjoying the embrace for only a second before slipping out of it and walking toward Kenma. Kenma put down his game and looked up at him.

“Hey Shouyo.”

_Hm. Someone Kenma wants to engage with._

“Kenma! Did you see that? I was all zoom and it went all woosh! And they were all waaaah?”

_Zoom? Woosh? Waaah? Is he stupid?_

Kenma nodded along as Hinata rattled off more that Akaashi wasn’t sure if the average human could or should understand. Kenma seemed like the type of person who wouldn’t be able to deal with someone like Hinata, but he looked interested in what he had to say. Bokuto and Kuroo were still embracing each other from where Hinata had left. Their faces were cheek to cheek and they each held one of the others hands, somewhat resembling Siamese twins. They both watched the other two boys engaged in conversation.

“Say, Bo?”

“Yes, darling?”

“Why do you think Kenma doesn’t pay me as much attention as he pays Shouyo?”

“I don’t know, dear. They’re both so cold to us.”

“It’s like we don’t even exist when they’re together.”

“I know. It’s totally cold, babe.”

“I just don’t know if I can go on like this.”

“Bro. I’m here for you. Forever.”

“Aw. Bro.”

“Forever and ever.”

“Forever ever?”

“Forever ever.”

“Bro...”

Akaashi watched on as they continued this act. They were too perfectly in sync. It was creepy. They reminded Akaashi of a set of killer twins in a horror movie he’d once seen.

Akaashi also watched as a muscular man with short dark hair came up behind the two and karate chopped them each on the head. They screeched in response and turned to see the offender.

“Dadchi!” They both screamed out in unison and quickly put him in the middle of them, squeezing him tight with each rubbing their face on their respective side of his face.

“Cut it out! And stop calling me that!” He yelled as he pushed the two men off by the face. They resumed their previous position with the one side of each of their face an irritated red from grazing over stubble.

“Dadchi is so mean. Probably more mean than Kenma.” Kuroo whined.

Bokuto nodded profusely in agreement with a pout on his face.

The man shook his head and walked over to Akaashi. “Hi. I’m Daichi. It’s nice to meet you.” He held out his hand to shake.

_Not Dadchi?_

Akaashi bit his lip briefly to hold in the comment before extending his hand. “I’m Akaashi. I’m an acquaintance of Bokuto-san. It’s nice to meet you.” Akaashi took his hand. It was rough and the shake was firm.

_Maybe one sane soul here._

When they broke apart from the handshake, Akaashi could see Hinata looking over at him. Hinata seemed to have just noticed Akaashi for the first time. He stared over at Akaashi and walked up to him, eyes delving deep into his soul.

_Ah. Shit. It is the kid from the convenience store. I wonder if the Tanaka Kuroo mentioned earlier is the same Tanaka too?_

As if Hinata came to the same conclusion at the same moment, he squawked, “Hey! It’s you!”. He pointed at Akaashi accusingly before dropping his hand and giving him a great big smile. “Thank you so much for the other day! Tanaka got the drink machine fixed right up with your advice! I really owe you! My boss gets so mad when things break.” He grimaced when he talked about his boss, but his sunshine smile quickly returned.

Akaashi vaguely hoped he wouldn’t say anything strange to him like last time.

Bokuto separated from Kuroo at this point and started walking over to Akaashi to hear more about their encounter. He looked like a child mesmerized by a new toy that was dangling in front of him. Akaashi felt that shiny things probably did pose problems to Bokuto in his everyday life.

“No problem.” Akaashi muttered as Bokuto drew nearer slightly hoping he wouldn’t hear.

Unfortunately, Bokuto didn’t suffer from hearing difficulties.

“Akaaaaashi.” He whined.

Attempting to refrain from an eyeroll, he replied in his signature stoic tone, “Yes, Bokuto-san?”

“You already know Hinata?” he lead.

“Hinata works at the convenience store near my apartment. I ran into him there once. I would hardly consider that knowing him.”

Hinata made a slightly disappointed, and perhaps offended face, but didn’t speak. Bokuto, however, puffed out his chest and yelled, “Oh! That’s it? Okay!” and then gave a strange, somewhat strained and congested, laugh. His abandoned bro behind him looked on observing the interaction between them. Daichi looked on without a care in the world and Kenma still hadn’t looked up from his game.

Akaashi didn’t know why it mattered. Or why Kuroo was so invested in their interactions. It was also creepy. Almost like a jealous boyfriend.

A silence spread over them. Akaashi felt like he was missing something and was deliberating on asking what the hell was going on, but Kenma put his game down and quietly spoke. “We need to get started.”

Cheers erupted from Bokuto and Hinata.

“I want to be on your team, Kenma!” Hinata yelled to Kenma.

Akaashi caught Kuroo’s eyebrow twitch slightly at this, but Kuroo smiled and took charge. “Aight. It’ll be the Kool Kats- me and Kenma, and Bokuto’s Crow Child on one team and Daddy Loud Owl, Dadchi, and Pretty Flower Boy on the other.”

A multitude of responses erupted at once including a hoot from Bokuto.

“Stop calling me Dadchi!” Daichi sternly yelled.

“Betrayed by my own crow son!” Bokuto gasped.

“Yay! I get to play with Kenma!” Hinata cheered.

“Kuro.” Kenma warned.

_Pretty Flower Boy?_

Akaashi frowned slightly.

Kuroo focused solely on Akaashi. “Is there a problem with that, Pretty Flower Boy? You’re the only one who didn’t comment.” Akaashi immediately began openly glaring at him.

_I’m going to crush you into the ground until you’re dust and then I’m going to set the dust on fire._

“No complaints here, Kuroo-san. I look forward to this.”

_Wiping that smirk off your face, that is._

“Alright then,” Kuroo continued, “Kenma will you be our faithful scorekeeper, as always?”

Kenma gave a curt nod in response and finally put his game away in his bag.

Without further ado, they all began to remove socks and shoes, take items from their pockets, and roll up sleeves and pants. Each team deliberated briefly on who would start in what position.

On Kuroo’s side Hinata started in the back and Kuroo and Kenma were up front. On Akaashi’s side, Bokuto and Akaashi were in the front and Daichi had the back.

“Who’s going first?” Hinata squeaked.

Kuroo flashed that devilish grin again and replied, “Well. Since I crashed Bo’s date, I think they should get to go first.”

_Not a date._

Akaashi could feel the irritation showing on his face.

“Ehhh! A date!” Hinata yelled in seeming disbelief “Akaashi was on a date with Bo?”.

“That’s right! Why is that so hard to believe?” Bokuto yelled back looking like he was ready to fight both Kuroo and Hinata.

Instinctively, Akaashi pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head slightly.

_Not a date._

Kenma shook his head in solidarity with Akaashi and tossed Daichi the ball. Thankful, Akaashi gave him a little nod.

The moment the ball entered Daichi’s hands everyone’s mood changed. The goofy boys of the past were gone. Each held their own respective game face now. Akaashi shuddered at the feeling. Even though they weren’t on a court, but a sand lot, Akaashi felt as if they were and as if they weren’t playing for fun, but to win at all costs. It’d been a long time since he’d felt that. That sense of competitiveness for something that wasn’t grades.

Daichi tossed the ball up and gave a graceful jump serve. Akaashi’s eyes widened in awe as he watched Daichi jump and connect seemingly effortlessly.  The ball glided over the net and Hinata received it nicely and sent it over to Kenma, who then set to Kuroo. Kuroo spiked the ball effortlessly and vigorously with a smirk on his face the entire time. He’d aimed for the space in-between Akaashi and Bokuto. Both turned in attempt to get it, but Daichi was already there. He smoothly received it and sent it toward Akaashi.

“Give it to me, Akaashi!” Bokuto bellowed as he ran back toward the net.

Surprised at his stern authoritative tone, Akaashi set the ball to him instinctively. Kuroo and Kenma dashed up to block Bokuto, but he just grinned. He jumped and connected with the ball, his muscles rippling at the movement. He connected with it flawlessly and spiked a straight right past them. When he landed, he pumped both arms in the air and exuberantly shouted, “Hey! Hey! Hey!”. Akaashi could see Hinata mesmerized but inspired and Kenma portraying no emotion. Daichi looked proud. Kuroo though, who was staring at Bokuto, while looking slightly irritated, also had a look of something else on his face that looked-

_Pained? Why pained? Is he that sore about missing the block? Or is it something else?_

Akaashi could feel the small smile plastered on his face begin to fade with confusion and concern at Kuroo’s reaction. There was a sinking feeling in his gut. He could tell something was wrong on an instinctual level.

Akaashi didn’t have time to think too deeply about it because suddenly he was being embraced around his waist and lifted up by a pair of beefy arms. Bokuto nuzzled his face into Akaashi’s chest and without looking up to see Akaashi’s reaction he spoke.

“Akaashi your set was amazing! It was perfect for me!” and then quieter, “It’s like your set was meant for me.”

Akaashi could feel his heart go doki-doki.

Calmly and as if he wasn’t being embraced and held in the air by a handsome man he’d just met that had the arms of a god, Akaashi replied “Thank you, Bokuto-san. Your spike was amazing as well.”

Akaashi could see Bokuto’s ears dust with pink before Bokuto spun them both around and set him down.

“I wish you could’ve set for me when I played competitively! We would’ve never lost a game!”

Akaashi blushed slightly, but was interrupted before he could reply.

“Oi! Stop talking you damn owl! I wanna get some playing done before Kenma gets tired!” Kuroo called from the other side of the net.

Hinata nodded vigorously as he walked up to rotate positions. Daichi just laughed and changed positions. Akaashi and Bokuto exchanged an embarrassed look before changing positions. Kuroo was up to serve now. His face had lost its pained look and now only had the desire for revenge painted on it. Akaashi pushed aside Bokuto’s compliments and focused on the bed head.

_No way am I going to let you have the satisfaction. Not after seeing Bokuto so happy about getting one point just now._

Kuroo served and the game began again. Each side would score a point here and there. Each time Bokuto scored he would exclaim excitedly and hoot in response. Bokuto seemed to never run out of energy either. He ran, spiked, blocked, and received without losing zest the entire time despite it being insanely hot outside and from moving so much.

Akaashi tired fairly early in the game, but seeing Bokuto’s enthusiasm made him continue despite his aching muscles and the sweat covering his body. Bokuto’s smile never faded and he never quit calling for sets from Akaashi. Akaashi could feel himself attempting to hide smiles when Bokuto would call for Akaashi to set for him, or when they would score a point, or when Akaashi spiked past Kuroo and scored a point. Okay, he didn’t hide his smile on the last one very well, at all.

Watching Bokuto play was an experience bordering on religious and addictive. Akaashi couldn’t keep his eyes off him. He could’ve watched him play for hours without getting bored of it. He could feel his barriers and reservations toward Bokuto slowly being eroded unknowingly by Bokuto.

They ended up playing three full sets before quitting. Akaashi was grateful. Him and Kenma were at the peak of exhaustion and were likely to collapse at any moment. Daichi looked beat as well, but didn’t complain. Bokuto and Hinata, who were still brimming with energy, whined about it, but Kuroo chided them.

“Hinata you gotta take care so you don’t hurt yourself for a real game. And Bo, I think it’s about time for you to break as well.”

That stern and painful look came back to his face as he looked at Bokuto again, but it flashed only for a second. Bokuto seemed to get it and nodded toward him before going to sit on the bench near Akaashi. Akaashi noticed it as he sat on the bench watching their exchange, but was too tired to think about it at this point. Instead, he watched Bokuto walk up to him. He was drenched in sweat and his usually fluffy hair was sticking to his head. He was still beaming and his face was flushed from activity and heat. He lifted his shirt to wipe the sweat from his face to reveal a very muscular stomach. Akaashi could feel himself blush as he snuck a peek at Bokuto’s body.

“Akaashi, are you okay? You’re really red!” Bokuto asked as he pulled his shirt down.

“Bo, we’re all red. It’s really hot out here.” Kuroo interjected as he also tried to wipe the sweat from himself. “We didn’t even think to bring water“ he groaned.

Kenma laid on a bench not moving and Daichi was resting and texting someone on his phone. Hinata tossed the ball more by himself.

“Ah! I guess you’re right! I’m so sorry Akaashi. I asked you to coffee, not to play volleyball. You weren’t prepared to work like this!” Bokuto rambled as he held his head slightly in his hands in panic, just realizing what he’d roped Akaashi into. He looked distraught as if he’d mull over it forever.

A soft chuckle emitted from Akaashi’s lips and he gave a soft smile before responding. “Don’t apologize, Bokuto-san. I enjoyed both.”

Bokuto beamed in response. Glowered. Shone. Akaashi vaguely feared he might implode and he shifted away slightly as not to be too close just in case.

With all the innocence and honesty in the world on his face he uttered, “Don’t worry, Akaashi. We won’t get all sweaty on our next date!”

Kuroo cackled like a hyena from where he was standing by Kenma. Kenma lazily swatted toward him to shut him up and grumbled something Akaashi didn’t catch. Bokuto didn’t seem to notice that he’d said anything that could’ve been taken as remotely perverted.

Akaashi shook his head slightly and instead asked, “Did you have anything in mind, Bokuto-san?”

Bokuto gave a slight blush, and seemed surprised at Akaashi’s response, but replied, “It’s a surprise, Akaashi!”

Akaashi merely nodded in response.

“Hey, guys!” Daichi interjected, “Suga said he’d buy dinner for everyone if you want to come over to our apartment.”

Five faces turned to Daichi, each with a rabid look in their eyes.

Daichi chuckled a little. “I’ll let Suga know to put in an extra-large order.”

“Thanks, Daichi!” Hinata cheered.

Bokuto’s stomach growled loudly. He blushed in embarrassment and crossed his arms over his stomach and hunched over a little to hide it. Kuroo cackled in response and came up behind him and wrapped his arm around him.

“Pretty Flower Boy, are you coming too? Think about it seriously, cause you might not want to go on a second date with this guy after you see how much he eats.” Kuroo’s sly grin permeated on his face.

“Hey!” Bokuto yelled and stared at Kuroo, mortified.

Akaashi looked back and forth between Bokuto and Kuroo. He hadn’t intended to spend this much time with Bokuto today and it was already well into the afternoon. He was tired and he smelled, but he had beyond worked up an appetite and if he went home he probably wouldn’t eat. Part of him wanted to go back to his empty apartment and sleep the rest of the day away soaking up the air conditioning in his underwear. Recharge all alone and meticulously analyze every part of today.

Part of him didn’t want to leave.

That part of him surprised him. He hadn’t expected that. He wanted to see more of Bokuto’s beaming face and unnecessarily dramatic responses to Kuroo’s teasing. Wanted to speak with Kenma more. Wanted to make that damn Kuroo feel mortified. Wanted to—

A large growl emitted from his stomach interrupting his thoughts. He wanted to eat.

He clutched his stomach much like Bokuto had just moments ago, and looked up, embarrassed and wide eyed, at the two boys watching him. Kuroo was snickering, but Bokuto’s mouth was gaping slightly, his eyes wide, and a small blush smattered on his face. His mouth quickly turned into a smile and he laughed loudly.

“Come on, Akaashi! Let’s go get some dinner!” he bellowed and held out his hand to help Akaashi up.

Akaashi took his hand, resulting in another slight blush from Bokuto, and they all began to follow Daichi to his apartment.

**. . .**

The boys gathered in the entry of Daichi’s apartment taking off their shoes and placing bags on the table there. The tiny apartment was permeated with the smell of carry out that Suga had picked up.

“We’re home, Suga.” Daichi called out.

A small framed man with ashen hair and a beauty mark by his left eye came to greet them. He had a very kind smile on his face and he seemed somewhat mystical in his movements and demeanor. He had a strange beauty to him that wasn’t found too often.

“Ah. Welcome back Daichi.” His voice, resembling music, fluttered though the air.

Daichi and Suga embraced and immediately went into a deep kiss. After they broke apart Suga pinched Daichi and whispered something in his ear. Daichi blushed and Akaashi remotely wondered what could make him blush. He seemed like a down-to-Earth individual who had everything very much under control, not some blushing child.

“Hmm. Who’s this?” Suga quipped as he laid eyes on Akaashi.

“Suga, this is Akaashi Keiji. We were on a date before Kuroo interrupted us to play volleyball.” Bokuto provided.

_Still not a date._

Akaashi nodded in assent and uttered, “It’s nice to meet you”. Something about him made Akaashi feel slightly uncomfortable.

“Oh? Is that so?” he pondered softly as if his mind was far off, and then in a more focused manner, “I’m Sugawara Koushi. I’m Daichi’s boyfriend. Call me Suga. It’s nice to meet you!” Suga sparkled as he looked over to Daichi.

He was too sparkly and Akaashi had to look away. He was already too exhausted from volleyball and from being around Bokuto’s and Hinata’s energy.

From behind, Suga wrapped his arms around Daichi, stood on his tip toes, and nibbled on Daichi’s ear as he looked back and forth between Bokuto and Akaashi. Bokuto didn’t seem to notice, but Akaashi felt the burning holes Sugawara was boring in them.

“Well! Let’s eat before it gets cold!” Suga cheered and lead the pack into the kitchen.

Suga did buy a lot of food. Too much food even for seven men. There was rice, fish, noodles, veggies, soup, fresh fruit, karaage, chips, soda’s, beer, and a rather large cake that had white icing and strawberries on top. Akaashi could feel himself salivate at the smell and sight of all the food. He made himself a small plate and sat at the dining room table with Bokuto. Daichi, and slightly to Akaashi’s dismay, Suga. Kenma, Kuroo, and Hinata ended up sitting on the couch in the living room that was just behind the dining room table. Kuroo and Kenma sat within inches of each other where Hinata sat a couple of feet from them. The nature of their seating puzzled Akaashi slightly. He had been under the impression Kenma and Hinata had been flirting, even though Kuroo had been hanging on Kenma earlier. That cat seemed very touchy with everyone, though so it was hard to say.

For a few minutes, the only sounds made were those of everyone eating. Everyone except Suga ate viciously and without a certain amount of manners that was typically expected. Akaashi was in the middle of shoving as much fried rice into his mouth as humanly possible, when he noticed Suga staring at him from across the table, his chin resting on his hands with a gleeful smile plastered on his face. The uneasy feeling rose back up inside him. He’d been watched a lot today already. Bokuto soaked him up. Kuroo observed. Kenma understood. Probably.

But, Suga. Suga pried. Akaashi was sure of it.

Placing his bowl back on the table and swallowing the mountain of rice he’d piled in his mouth, Akaashi decided to break the silence.

“Thank you for dinner. What do I owe you for it?”

Suga waved one of his hands in response. “Don’t worry about paying me” he hummed with a signature smile that set Akaashi slightly more at ease.

_Maybe he is harmless._

“You can pay me in answers.” He spoke seductively in a low murmur with that signature smile still in place. It was a voice typically reserved for lovers in the bedroom.

_Ah. There it is._

Bokuto jumped slightly in his seat at that and started to say something, but it was muffled by food in his mouth. He chewed furiously so he could speak coherently, but Daichi beat him to it.

“Suga.” he uttered sternly with a creased brow looking at his boyfriend.

Suga chucked slightly. “What? I’m just curious!”

Bokuto opened his mouth, but Akaashi interrupted him. He thought it was best to tackle him head on.

“What is it that you would like to know?”

Suga’s grin took a less charming tone and his eyes narrowed slightly. His angelic face had a slightly devilish twinge to it.

“How did you two meet?”

“One of the dogs he walks got loose in the park.”

“Hm. How long have you been dating?”

Bokuto choked on his drink slightly. Akaashi could see Daichi nudged Suga slightly under the table and then give Akaashi an apologetic glance.

Akaashi had anticipated questions like this. He wasn’t fazed at all and answered in his regular stoic voice, his facial expression not changing or faltering a bit.

“We’re not dating. Today’s the second time we’ve ever seen each other. We were just meeting for coffee before we ran into Kuroo-san.”

“Oh? And do you like Bokuto?”

This time Bokuto did choke. He sputtered and gave Suga a wide eyed terrified look. He was blushing profusely and he looked as if he was holding his breath. Akaashi eyed him for a moment, but Bokuto refused to look his direction. Looking back down at his own lap and clawing at his cuticles, Akaashi thought about it. Akaashi hadn’t expected being asked so straightforward and in front of so many people. Or so soon. He hadn’t really thought about it yet, either. They’d just met and Akaashi didn’t anticipate pursuing any type of relationship with any one. In fact, he had been attempting to ensure that he didn’t have a single existing relationship at all. But, if he answered poorly here, he’d hurt Bokuto. He could feel time slipping, all eyes in the apartment on him except for Bokuto, the heat he felt suffocating him. Keenly aware of how long it’d been since he’d saw Bokuto breathe, over forty-seven seconds ago and counting, he mustered up courage.

“I-. I don’t know. Bokuto-san is very kind, but I don’t know him well enough to answer what you’re asking. We did just meet after all.” He paused. It still sounded mean. Heartless as usual. Bokuto still wasn’t breathing, over a minute now, but instead of looking at Suga still, his eyes were downcast. The mood in the apartment seemed a bit more somber now and eyes were leaving Akaashi. It seemed a little strange that everyone was so invested in Bokuto’s life, but he couldn’t worry about that now. “I.” he continued, struggling to vocalize this part, “I don’t dislike Bokuto-san, though. I am looking forward to the date we had agreed on before.” he finished, gazing to Bokuto for a moment and giving him a soft smile before staring at Suga sternly and then gazing back at his own lap.

Bokuto let out the air he’d been holding in a large relieved sigh. He gave Akaashi a dorky smile.

“Aw. Thank you, Akaashi. Don’t worry about Suga here. He’s just protective.” His voice squeaked slightly and was pitched higher than usual as if he was embarrassed.

_Yes. Apparently, he thinks he’s your mother._

Akaashi nodded and looked back toward Suga. He just smiled in response. Akaashi shuddered slightly and imagined a mother bear protecting her young. He could hear whispering behind him from the living room.

“So. Are you a student or do you work?” Suga began with the next round of questioning. This time the questions were less intimidating and more general questions about what he did and what he liked. After they finished eating, they moved to the living room. Hinata was splayed out on the floor in a semi nap. Kuroo sat on one end of a couch with Kenma curled up and sleeping across his lap. Kuroo looked fondly down at him and every so often would stroke Kenma’s hair. Suga ended up sitting across Daichi’s lap in a large armchair. Akaashi sat on a small couch with Bokuto inches away.

They ate cake and conversed in hushed whispers as to not wake Hinata and Kenma. Every time Kenma shifted in his sleep, Kuroo would freeze and pale slightly. Akaashi chuckled under his breath. Apparently Kenma was terrifying when he got woken up.

Akaashi found himself enjoying spending time with everyone. Suga and Kuroo weren’t as bad as he’d originally thought and Daichi seemed like a great guy all around. Hinata was honest and open in-between his napping stints, just as Akaashi had figured when they’d first met. Kenma slept silently the entire time.

After a couple of hours, Akaashi noticed that he and Bokuto had lost their space that separated them, and now their thighs and shoulders were brushing up against each other. At first realization, Akaashi was startled. He didn’t know if he liked such an intimate touch, but feeling the warmth radiating off Bokuto and seeing his smile as he talked to everyone, Akaashi decided it was okay for now.

Soon after, Kuroo put an end to this. “Well.” He started, “I need to get this kitten home so he can sleep in his own bed or he’s going to be really cranky in the morning.” He lifted Kenma in his arms, who only gave out a soft whine, and signaled later to everyone.

As if Bokuto suddenly remembered that time existed, he gave a little gasp and turned to Akaashi.

“Akaashi! I’ve kept you out all day! I’m so sorry! Did you have things you needed to do? Did you still have homework to do? Do you have class tomorrow? I’m so inconsiderate!” He rambled on with his face becoming more contorted in fear and self-disappointment with each thought.

Akaashi chuckled at him, making Bokuto stop his stream of questions in anticipation. He felt slightly self-conscious for a moment. He’d done a lot of chuckling today. That was weird.

“It’s fine, Bokuto-san. I do have class tomorrow, though, so I probably do need to be getting home soon.”

Bokuto jumped up. “Okay, Akaashi. Let me walk you home!”

“Wait!” Suga interjected. “Both of you take some food with you. There’s no way Daichi and I can eat all of that.”

Bokuto nodded and scurried to gather some food for them before Akaashi could protest. Akaashi remained in the living room to say goodbye to Suga and Daichi. Hinata was curled up on the floor again napping.

“It was nice to meet you both. And thank you again for dinner.”

“Hey. Thanks for playing with us today. You did well. You’re probably my second favorite setter.” Daichi pinched Suga’s cheek and Suga giggled. Akaashi didn’t need to ask who the first was.

“Come visit us again some time. “Suga said between giggles. “And,” in a lower voice with his eyes darting toward Bokuto in the kitchen, “Take care of him”.

Akaashi knitted his brows in question. There was that almost overbearing concern again. Akaashi opened his mouth to ask why, but Bokuto interrupted him.

“Alright, Akaashi. I’m ready.”

Suga and Daichi waved goodbye to them and the two headed out to the street. Night was beginning to set. Akaashi could see the cool blues harmonizing across the sky. From this side of town, he could see a couple of stars in the sky. There was a warm breeze and he felt oddly at peace as he gazed up at the sky with Bokuto beside him. Tearing his eyes from the skyline, he addressed Bokuto.

“Bokuto-san, you don’t have to walk me home. It’s probably only twenty minutes from here.”

“I want to!” Bokuto gave a wide smile, showing nothing but eagerness.

Akaashi knew there was no arguing with him. It was only twenty minutes.

“At least let me carry the food then.”

“Nonsense!” Bokuto switched the food to his hand opposite of Akaashi.

Akaashi sighed and relented. He was far too tired and full to fight this battle.

After ascertaining the direction of Akaashi’s apartment, they walked along the sidewalk. Bokuto hummed slightly as they walked. Akaashi snuck a look at Bokuto in his peripheral. He looked as if he was still teeming with energy. The relative quiet didn’t last long, though. Bokuto began chattering away about the day and about various things. He’d move his free hand to talk and laughed loudly at his own jokes. Before Akaashi knew it, they were at the door of Akaashi’s apartment.

“Here! This is yours!” Bokuto chimed as he held out a container of food that was too large for Akaashi. Akaashi quirked an eyebrow, but Bokuto just continued. “You seemed to really like a few things so I made sure you got a lot. This way you won’t have to spend time cooking for the next day or so.”

_More like week._

Bokuto wasn’t wrong, though. Akaashi had enjoyed the food. He didn’t know if it was just because he’d been famished by the time they ate, or if it was something else, but the food had been really good. It’d been the first food he could actually taste the flavors of in a long time.

“Thank you, Bokuto-san. That’s very perceptive and thoughtful of you.”

Bokuto’s face lit up momentarily, but then he dropped his head and looked down toward the ground where he was shuffling one foot.

“Uh. Thank you for today. I -. Uh. I know that you had reservations about meeting me today, but I had a lot of fun.”

_So it’d been that obvious._

“Thank you for inviting me, Bokuto-san. I enjoyed it as well.”

Bokuto was now blushing. He’d inched slightly closer to Akaashi. His attention was still laser focused on the ground. Akaashi became acutely aware that Bokuto probably wanted to kiss him. His skin prickled slightly and he felt his heart palpitating. His brain brought the memory of how much he’d sweated today to his immediate attention.

Bokuto brought his attention up to Akaashi now. His face still carrying the blush.

“Akaashi. May I kiss you?”

_Kiss?_

_Me?_

_Bokuto-san?_

_Why would he want to?_

Akaashi looked at Bokuto’s full lips and wondered what they would feel like against his skin.

_Do I want to kiss him?_

Akaashi’s plan flittered through his mind.

_Is this something I want?_

He stared at Bokuto’s golden eyes that were studying Akaashi’s face in anticipation and fear.

_Is this okay?_

_. . ._

Akaashi gave a half of a stiff nod before he uttered a broken and shaking “Ye-. Yes.”

Bokuto’s eyes lit up and he gave a large smile, but it seemed like it was somewhat halfhearted. Akaashi closed his eyes as Bokuto leaned in. He was startled when he felt Bokuto’s lips pressing firmly against his cheek and then Bokuto’s breath against his ear, whispering, “Thank you”. It sent a chill and a wave of desire simultaneously through Akaashi.

Bokuto grabbed Akaashi’s free hand and gazed into Akaashi’s eyes for a moment. He gave his hand a squeeze and grinned.

“I’ll call you about that date later! Have a good night, Akaashi!” He squeezed his hand once more and then left without another word.

Akaashi felt weak.

He remembered the feel of Bokuto’s lips on his cheek, the warmth of his breath on his ear, the feeling of his hand on Akaashi’s.

Akaashi felt annoyed.

He wanted more.

He felt more annoyed by wanting more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opening blerb is from Brand New's song Daisy
> 
> I'm not saying Kuroo planned that, but I'm saying Kuroo planned that.
> 
> How I think the part where Kuroo is laughing at Bokuto because something he said sounded perverted really happened:  
> Bokuto: *says thing*  
> Kuroo: *laughs his ass off*  
> Kenma: *smacks at Kuroo* shut up. i can't hear. you're ruining this for me.


	8. Chapter 8

Akaashi watched Bokuto head down the stairs and willed him to come back. A moment passed and he reluctantly unlocked the door to his apartment and closed the door shut with more force and annoyance than someone who hadn’t wanted to spend time with Bokuto should have felt. He plucked off his clothes and threw his phone on the table. He shuffled over to the bed and plopped down immediately, emitting a sigh as he buried his head under his pillow.

Instead of falling immediately asleep like he anticipated, Akaashi pondered what the fuck happened all night. He couldn’t wrap his head around why Bokuto would’ve only kissed him on the cheek.

_Did my breath stink? Did I take too long to respond and Bokuto lost his nerve? Does he not like me?_

A scowl formed on Akaashi’s face. That was a plausible answer. But if Bokuto didn’t like Akaashi at all he probably wouldn’t have walked him home or kissed him at all. Right?

_Uuugh. Why? It doesn’t make sense._

Akaashi rolled over violently in the bed. He glared at his phone sitting on the table.

_Stupid Bokuto._

Akaashi’s mind flited to the many images of Bokuto that were burned in his memory from the day. His aggression waned slightly. He remembered how every time Bokuto said his name, it came out differently. He either extended a sound or put different intonations on a part resulting in him never saying Akaashi’s name correctly. He hid his smile under the covers, as he thought about all the “Akaaashiiiii’s” he’d heard today.

Akaashi rolled back over in his bed.

_Okay. Maybe he’s not stupid. But he’s still stupid._

**. . .**

The next morning Akaashi hurt. He’d overextended himself yesterday and his body was forcibly taking payment today. He groaned as he got out of bed. He wobbled to the bathroom to wash his face and immediately made his way back to his bed to lie down, too exhausted to attempt to move further. His body hadn’t ached like this in years. Despite the pain, part of him felt good. He’d gone out yesterday, exercised, and met a bunch of people. He’d acted like a normal person. A small fire of pride was lit in his chest.

Things were good right now.

Well. Except for the part where he was left wanting.

And confused.

Akaashi could feel the pride fire flicker in threat to be extinguished.

Akaashi reached for his phone to distract himself. He should’ve been getting ready for class, but he hadn’t convinced himself that it was worth getting out of bed today. His body hurt too much and part of him just felt uninterested.

Unmotivated.

Apathetic.

_So today is one of those days after all._

Akaashi removed the pillow from his head and moved so he could gaze up at the ceiling. His flicker of pride from yesterday had vanished. He wondered if it had even existed at all. It felt evasive like a word on the tip of your tongue or a dream that left its lingering presence, but not its content or memories.

Huffing to himself, he checked his phone again for the time. Class probably wasn’t a possibility, but the guilt for skipping class was beginning to bubble up inside of his gut.

**7:35AM**

The bubbling soup of guilt expanded in his stomach. He became profoundly aware of the violent thumping of his heart. It was already too late for him to make it to his first class. He didn’t have a valid reason to miss. Visions of his professor shaking his head in disapproval and thinking poorly of Akaashi flooded his brain.

He shook his head trying to shake the pervasive thought from his mind. When he finally ceased the motion, Akaashi had given up on the day. He was tired. He needed another nap.

Akaashi drifted in and out of a half sleep for hours. He’d wake up, commit to attending the rest of his classes for the day, and then roll over and forego the plan. His dozes were interrupted by nightmares and stomach aches manifested from his imagination. A particularly frightening nightmare involving a bear launched Akaashi from his attempts of sleep.

He searched around the room blearily. Sweat rolled down his forehead into his eyes, further interfering with his inquiry. His chest heaved as his eyes circled the room again for a very large and very angry bear. Realizing what he had experienced was a dream, he flopped back down and covered his eyes with an arm. A low “uuuuugh” emitted from his mouth.

_My brain is seriously a bully. I get enough crap from it when I’m awake. Why does it do this to me when I’m sleeping too?_

Annoyed, and wanting to avoid thinking, he grabbed his phone so he could thumb mindlessly through the internet until he decided what, if anything, he was going to do with his day.

His phone woke up in his hands and displayed itself proudly for Akaashi.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Good morning Akaashi!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Since you appeared to not loathe every second we spent together yesterday, we should go out on that apology date this week. (≧◡≦)

Akaashi rolled his eyes. He could hear Bokuto’s voice brimming with insinuation and Bokuto’s childlike hopes and eagerness though the screen. A smile crept on his face as wallowed in the good morning text and date invitation sent to him.

_I might like this social obligation._

His fingers danced as they hovered over the keyboard. He had no idea to rely. Not only did he have no idea how to reply, Bokuto was clearly flirting with him and Akaashi had absolutely zero clue on how to flirt back.

_Wait. Flirt back?_

Akaashi’s eyebrows settled hard on his eyes. His lips formed a taught line. He was getting too carried away. This was a onetime thing and then it was over. One date out of obligation and then they wouldn’t see each other again. It didn’t matter if Bokuto was flirting or not. Akaashi was most decidedly not supposed to flirt back. It wasn’t part of the plan.

**[Akaashi]** : If I’m not working, that will be fine.

Akaashi felt his nose twitch at his own response. It was a business response. It sounded bored. Cold. He watched for the icon to show Bokuto had read his message, but it remained unchanged and Akaashi assumed that Bokuto was busy.

_I wonder if he’s walking the dogs right now. He said he only had the four currently. I wonder how much time he spends with them._

A slow horror began to seize Akaashi.

_I never asked about him. He must think I’m rude. I can’t believe I was so inconsiderate._

Tension rose again for what felt like the millionth time. Akaashi needed a distraction. Anything. He checked the time for the hundredth time that morning.

**11:35AM**

Desperate for something, Akaashi began to get gathered for class. By the time he got ready and made it to campus, it’d be close enough to class.

Akaashi found himself trekking across campus way too early, despite his hopes to only arrive fifteen minutes before class. As he strolled down the nature path he typically enjoyed most, he slowed to admire the trees and plants. A soft breeze rustled the leaves, causing leaves to fall and allowing for sunlight to pass through the dense part of greenery. He halted to intake the beauty of it all. A small warmth grew inside him. A calmness. That feeling you have in your being when you watch a person you endear from afar. A small smile of satisfaction slipped on Akaashi’s face.

“AaaKAshiiii!”

A voice bellowed from somewhere. Akaashi flinched at the sudden juxtaposition of the silence of nature and this booming sound calling for him. He scrunched his face.

_Who would be yelling my name across campus?_

Before he could turn to ascertain the mysterious calling, he felt a not gentle hand clapping on his shoulder.

“I thought that was you, Akaashi! I can’t believe it. I’ve never seen you on campus. Do you have class today?”

Akaashi turned to see Bokuto and Kuroo. Bokuto had his usual energetic glow. Today he sported a yellow hairband, a tight dark blue t-shirt, fitted black pants and sneakers. It was casual, but he wore it well and Akaashi had to actively not stare. A few feet behind him, Kuroo, clad in gym attire, hunched over slightly with a sheepish grin and his hand by his face, waved at Akaashi.

Akaashi deadpanned and turned his attention back to Bokuto, ignoring the pretend offended face and small gasp Kuroo gave him in response.

“Oh. Hello, Bokuto-san. Kuroo-san. Yes. I do have class at one.”

“Awww.” Bokuto whined. “I was hoping since we ran into each other we could have lunch.”

“Yeah. You should skip and have lunch with us.” Kuroo added.

_Tempting if it were just me and Bokuto. Why are you even here? Do you even go here? Wait. Why are either of you here?_

“Bokuto-san, why are you on campus anyway?”

A sound faintly resembling a “geh” came from Bokuto’s throat. He stuttered and began to respond, but Kuroo cut him off.

“Bo here was just going to show me the greenhouse this campus has. We were checking up on some things he planted when he was a student.”

Akaashi’s eyes remained on Bokuto. He rubbed the back of his head and nodded along with Kuroo. He kept his eyes downcast and his lips pursed. Akaashi could feel his eyes narrow as he observed.

_Suspicious_.

“I see.” Akaashi paused. “Unfortunately, I can’t skip class to hang out with you two. I need to be going now.”

Bokuto’s bubbly personality came back and he clapped Akaashi on the shoulder once more.

“That’s too bad! Maybe we can have lunch some other time! Have fun in class!”

“Yeah. Make sure to pay attention and ask questions if you don’t understand.” Kuroo snickered.

_What are you, my parents?_

“Yeah. Some other time. See you.” Akaashi waved as he turned to scurry away from them and to class.

“See ya!” echoed back at him as he walked away.

A frown plastered on Akaashi’s face as he walked away. Bokuto was clearly lying to him. As he approached class, he pushed it to the back of his mind. Possibly forever. It didn’t concern him. Not really.

He spent the next few hours in strict concentration mode acutely avoiding any thoughts of Bokuto. Exhausted from class, Akaashi began his slow trudge back to his apartment. The quiet apartment. Where he’d be alone. With his thoughts.  At times like this, Akaashi wished he had hobbies and interests still. Something to keep him occupied. Something to-

_Oh. Right. I should be writing. Writing and food. That will keep me occupied._

Back at his apartment, he heated some leftovers provided by Suga, settled into some gym shorts and a baggy t-shirt, and hunkered down at his computer. Forcing himself to retain focus, and with the help of multiple cups of tea, he managed to get through several pages of writing in the course of the next several hours.

Pleased with making progress, he stretched and began to clean up for the night. For the first time since he got home, he noticed his phone existed. He wondered if he’d subconsciously pushed it out of his mind too since he had never gotten a reply from Bokuto. Full of curiosity and dread, he pressed the home button to see if he had any new messages.

**4 New Messages**

Of course he had messages. Quickly, he opened the messaging app.

The first was shortly after Akaashi had texted Bokuto.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : What about Friday or Saturday night?

Then shortly after Akaashi was in class.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : It was great seeing you today!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : We really should have lunch together some time. There’s a great curry place a few blocks from campus.

And then again, just recently.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : AAAAKKKAAAsssshiiii…. Are you avoiding me? Is Friday or Saturday not good? We can go some other day! Or did Kuroo and I offend you today? I’m sorry if I did something wrong!

_Guilty_.

**[Akaashi]** : Friday would be best. I have to work Saturday. You’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve been doing work.

The message marked as read immediately. A bubble popped up indicating that Bokuto was responding. Akaashi bit his lip as he watched.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Friday sounds great! I’ll pick you up at your apartment!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Where you doing homework? Don’t let me bother you!

Of course Bokuto would be nothing but sweet.

**[Akaashi]** : Just a bit of writing.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Cool! What are you writing?

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : You should’ve come with us to the greenhouse today! Kuroo got tangled up in the water hose and ended up falling face first into a big ass tree!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : He told me not to tell anyone about that. So it’s our secret, okay?

Akaashi belted out a childlike laugh.

_What a couple of goons._

He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose before starting a reply.

**. . .**

Surprisingly to Akaashi, Bokuto was quite easy to talk to. He was loud even though text, eager, rambled a lot, and childish, but he was also kind and always patient with Akaashi. He never pushed Akaashi to say or talk about anything he seemed reluctant to engage in. The two spent the week texting back and forth. Bokuto sending plant facts and pictures from his day. Akaashi feeling the corners of his lips tug slightly upward more at each goofy message.

Then suddenly, it was Friday.

Akaashi walked home from class, anxiety beginning to well up in him for not the first time this week. He didn’t know why he was anxious. He’d been texting back and forth with Bokuto all week. It wasn’t like he was meeting someone brand new. That knowledge didn’t seem to faze his anxiety at all, however. He grabbed for his phone so he wouldn’t start tearing at his hands in public.

_Ah. A new message from Bokuto._

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : See you tonight at 6! I’m going to walk the dogs and I’ll be over after I’m done!

A soft smile spread across Akaashi’s face.

**[Akaashi]** : Yeah. See you then.

_Three hours to get home and get ready. I’m going to have to find some way to distract myself so I won’t be anxious._

As it turns out, three hours wasn’t nearly enough time. Akaashi showered and tried on every article of clothing he owned, but still hadn’t decided on an outfit at 5:45pm. Currently he adorned a pair of navy slacks, a dark grey sweater with the sleeves rolled up and a light blue polka dotted polo underneath it with the collar and sleeves peeking out, brown dress shoes, his silver watch, and his glasses.

Akaashi glared into the mirror. He hated everything about himself. His hair. His paleness. The way he always looked tired and bored. The way clothes made him look scrawny. How he could never look attractive.

As he stood there ruminating and wondering what else he could possibly wear, a knock sounded at his door. With a sigh and a wave of a white flag to the fashion gods, he turned to answer the front door.

He was greeted to Bokuto’s smiling face. His grin looked so big it was probably painful. No ordinary human could contort their face that way comfortably. More important than that, he looked incredible. His had his usual wavy hair and piercings, an oversized pair of black framed glasses, a white button up with a dark blue bow tie adorned with little owls tucked into a dark pair of jeans, and a belt and dress shoes to match. Akaashi could feel his breath catch a little. He didn’t usually feel the need to look at people closely, but Bokuto was

_Ravishing_.

A flurry of white, blue, and purple flashed in front of Akaashi’s face.

“Akaashi! These are for you!”

Bokuto presented a bouquet of flowers he had been hiding behind his back and held it toward Akaashi. Akaashi took them in his hands admiring them. He could tell it wasn’t a store-bought bouquet, but it was probably better than anything he could’ve ever gotten from a store. It was fresh picked white and blue hydrangeas, irises, and bits of lavender tufted in, all tied together at the stems with a ribbon. Akaashi couldn’t help but to grin. No one had ever given him flowers before.

“Uh huh. I thought those would be good picks. They match perfectly.”

“They are lovely. What do you mean by that, Bokuto-san?”

“The colors are meant to compliment your eyes.”

Akaashi could feel a blush creeping up on his face and ears. He lifted the bouquet to his face as a farce of smelling it to hide his blush.

“Thank you, Bokuto-san.” He mumbled.

Bokuto just grinned in response, not caring to hide how pleased he was with himself.

Anxious to get out of Bokuto’s sight for a moment he added, “After I put these up I’ll be ready. Feel free to step inside for a moment”.

Bokuto nodded and stepped in with Akaashi, not leaving the entrance way as he waited. He whistled with his hands behind his back and rocked on his heels slightly as he watched Akaashi search for a container to place the flowers in.

“Akaashi, your apartment sure is messier than I thought it would be.” He mentioned with a slight nod to the piles of clothes Akaashi had created in the last few hours.

Akaashi scowled slightly, not looking up as he filled a glass turned make-shift vase with water.

“Are you saying your apartment is any cleaner?” he rebutted.

Bokuto let out a little yelp at seeing Akaashi’s irritation.

“No! I just thought since you’re always so well put together and so studious seeming that you’d be a clean freak as well!” He scratched a finger at his face as he spoke, his posture deflating a little.

Akaashi placed the flowers on his large bookcase in the main room and sauntered over to Bokuto.

“You know what happens when you assume, right?”

“No. What?”

“You make an ass out of yourself.”

Bokuto blushed and began blubbering some sort of apology, but Akaashi just punched him lightly on the chest.

“Come on, Bokuto-san. Let’s go.”

As they walked down the street Bokuto still seemed uncomfortable from Akaashi’s joke. His forehead creased and he bit his lip, not speaking to Akaashi.

_I was too blunt, maybe?_

“Bokuto-san what do you have planned for us tonight?”

Bokuto came from his pout instantly. It seemed like even his hair had more volume when he was giddy.

“Well, Akaashi! If you must know, it’s a surprise!”

“You’re not going to murder me, are you?”

“WHAAT?” Bokuto screeched. “Who do you think I am? What do you think I am?”

With a deadpan face and without looking toward Bokuto, “Some strange guy I met at the park. One that could easily overpower me and who won’t tell me where we’re going.”

Akaashi could feel Bokuto’s gulp and blush coming from his side.

“Akaashi, I would NEVER!”

“Then you don’t have to look so nervous over there.”

Bokuto stopped for a moment, his face froze while he processed what jut occurred. His face lit up and he let out a hearty laugh.

“Thanks, Akaashi.”

Bokuto chatted comfortably with Akaashi after that. The two managed to board the train and walk more without any further awkwardness aside from standing excessively close due to the packed train. It was Friday night, after all.

After what seemed like a long journey, they arrived at what appeared to be a zoo.

“Bokuto-san I don’t think the zoo is op-“ Akaashi began before he was cut off.

“Oh no! I didn’t even think about that! Guess we’ll just have to break in!” Bokuto grinned and continued to lead Akaashi toward the entrance. “On an unrelated note, how fast of a runner are you?” He looked at Akaashi, still grinning and raising his eyebrows.

Akaashi stares back with a blank expression, refusing to answer.

To Akaashi’s surprise, there was an attendant siting at the booth.

“Good evening, Takashi!” Bokuto greeted, “We’re here for Tendou and Ushijima’s night show!”

“Sure thing, Bo! Go on ahead.” the attendant retorted with a smile. Akaashi gave Bokuto a side eyed confused look.

Bokuto lead the way to a building off to the side, away from where the animal exhibits were. They entered and were greeted with complete darkness. Akaashi instinctively leaned closer to Bokuto. Bokuto laughed and grabbed Akaashi’s hand. Akaashi could feel his entire body tense up.

_Why is he touching me?_

“Give it a second. There’s light, it’s just really low.” He murmured near Akaashi’s ear.

A tingle went through the entirety of Akaashi’s body. He could feel the hand Bokuto was embracing beginning to sweat.

“You know, this really doesn’t do anything for your “I would never murder Akaashi” argument.” He hissed back.

Bokuto giggled, actually giggled at that. Akaashi was glad they were in the dark. He felt a blush take over his whole body at the sound. If he had to see Bokuto’s expression as he giggled, he might have combusted on spot.

“You’re so cute, Akaashi. My eyes have adjusted now. Do you mind if I lead you? It starts soon.”

“Sure.”

Akaashi felt a tug on his hand and blindly followed Bokuto into the next room. As his eyes adjusted, he could see the low lights illuminating bits and pieces. The room was designed as a faux cave display. There were large glass panels that allowed you to look inside exhibits. They entered a small room filled with about fifteen chairs. Only about six other people occupied them. A couple of zoo keepers stood on a small platformed stage with a few cages behind them. Bokuto lead them to a pair of empty seats and gave a wave to the zoo keepers. One of them waved back and gave a little “hey”. Akaashi gave Bokuto another confused side glance.

_Who is this guy anyway? Why does he know so many people here? And what is this?_

As if he was reading Akaashi’s mind, Bokuto, who was still holding Akaashi’s hand, leaned in and spoke.

“They’ve been doing trial runs for zoo keeper chats for the nocturnal animals. Since they’re nocturnal, they’re wanting to do something like night shows. They’re not open to the public yet, but it’s really cool.”

Akaashi gave a confused nod to Bokuto and one of the zoo keepers began speaking. Bokuto gave a squeeze to Akaashi’s hand and relinquished it. Akaashi’s hand felt cold without Bokuto’s warmth.

One of the zoo keepers stepped forward. It was hard to tell under the excessively dim light, but it looked as if he had red hair that was spiked completely up.

“Good evening. It’s good to see everyone again and I thank you for coming out to our last trial run. I don’t recognize a couple of you, so let me introduce myself. I am Tendou and this is Ushijima and we’re zoo keepers here, obviously. This is a trial run the zoo’s allowed us to do that showcases our nocturnal animals. Whether or not we get to continue this depends on your response. But I’m 120% sure you’ll enjoy this, right Wakatoshi?”

The other man gave a nod and a grunt in response. He looked extremely muscular with shorter brown hair and a stoic face. Not deterred by his curt behavior at all, Tendou continued, “Now. As usual, we are showcasing nocturnal animals. Some are tamer than others, but for their safety and for my and Wakatoshi’s safety, silence your phones, no flash photography, and no loud noises, please. Looking at you for that last one, Koutarou.”

Bokuto gave out a deflated “hey” and slouched down in his seat a little. Tendou chuckled and stared at Akaashi for a moment. With another chuckle, he turned toward Ushijima and continued, “Well, folks. Let’s get this show started.”

Ushijima presented the animals while Tendou told interesting facts and gave treats every so often. They started with some more common animals including a skunk, an armadillo, a sloth, and a possum. Then they started to bring out more exotic and dangerous animals.

“Alright. Our next two guests are a bit finicky, so extra quiet please.” Tendou warned, as Ushijima brought out a fox. “This is a bat-eared fox. While it typically eats insects, specifically termites, it does have some fighting spirit that we don’t really want to awaken.” He chuckled as Ushijima gave it treats. Akaashi gave a grimace imagining it eating termites. The two hid some snacks around stage and got the fox to find them all, inducing a series of jumps and adorable searching.

“Okay~. Now.” Tendou started as he put on a heavy-duty glove that covered most of his arm, “Next is Earl.”

Bokuto leaned in to whisper excitedly in Akaashi’s ear, his lips dangerously close in the dark, “This one is my favorite”. He leaned forward in excitement, his eyes trained on Tendou.

_Just like a kid._

Ushijima handed Tendou a large brown and white owl. It had piercing yellow eyes and two tufts of feathers that stuck up on the front of its head. It perched on his arm and gave its wings a few flaps before settling down. Akaashi took a sharp breath as he took the owl in.

_Wow_.

“Earl here is a great horned owl. Don’t let his cuteness fool you, he is dangerous. He can take down other owls and carry off entire cats if he wanted to, but we keep him well fed to avoid that. Earl is 15. He is a rescue that was sent to us. The great horned owl is monogamous, and he has a partner, but she’s not as friendly as Earl is. After we’re done, Earl’s mood pending, we can let you hold him. No pats though, please. He doesn’t like that. He likes to keep his rep as a bird of prey up.” Tendou held out a small mouse that Earl quickly snatched up and began devouring as Tendou passed him back to Ushijima.

“Next is my personal favorite, the Ryukyu flying fox. As you can see, it’s not a fox. It’s one of the largest indigenous bats to Japan. This one is names Ryuk and he’s also a rescue. Unfortunately, the habitats for these bats are pretty much nonexistent now and the species is dwindling.” He frowned a bit and took a large bat from Ushijima. It had a black head and its body looked lighter colored, its true color mired by the low lights.

 He fed Ryuk a fig and continued. “These bats eat vegetation and insects, not blood. They don’t harm anyone and they don’t cause or carry disease. Really, they’re just cute. We’re trying to help keep this species from disappearing, so the zoo is working on conservation of this majestic creature. We are collecting donations for a new habitat so we can cater to more rescues and we’re accepting volunteers”. Ryuk gave a squeak at this and started to get a little restless. Tendou passed Ryuk back to Ushijima, who fed him some more fruit and took him back to his exhibit that was located to the left of the room.

_I never realized bats were cute too._

“And last and tiniest, is our pygmy owl, Yuuri. We sometimes like to call him piggy. Feel free to come up and pat him gently. He likes the attention.”

Bokuto shifted excitedly in his chair and turned to Akaashi. “You want to go pet Yuuri? I want to hold Earl” he whispered excitedly.

“Sure, Bokuto-san.”

The two walked up to Tendou who whistled and held the owl out toward them to pet.

“Thanks for coming Bokuto. How was this one?” Tendou grinned.

“It was fantastic!” Bokuto replied in a not quiet voice, causing Yuuri to startle. Tendou pulled Yuuri back and cooed him until he calmed down before holding him back out to Bokuto. “There’s no way the zoo won’t approve your show. It’s going to do great!” he whispered as he pet Yuuri lightly.

“Make sure to tell them that. Waka and I are counting on your responses” he replied evenly now holding Yuuri out to Akaashi as Bokuto stepped aside. “Oh? Who’s your companion here, Koutarou?” he smirked as he looked down on Akaashi.

“Tendou, this is Akaashi Keiji. He’s my date for the night.” Bokuto beamed as he leaned in close to Akaashi again as if being physically close would confirm what he’d said.

“It’s nice to meet you. Your show was wonderful.” Akaashi greeted as he pat Yuuri, carefully avoiding eye contact with Tendou. “I didn’t know bats were so cute. Or that there was anywhere you could pet owls.”

“Hm.” Tendou hummed. “Is that so? Well then you should go see the owl observatory here after we finish up in here.”

A squeak came from Bokuto. “Do you think that would be okay?”

“Hmmm.” Tendou acted like he was in deep consideration for a moment. Bokuto leaned in waiting for his answer, his eyes wide. “Yeah. It’ll be fine. Just don’t stay too long.”

Bokuto nodded profusely and they walked over to Ushijima who had Earl on his arm. He nodded to Bokuto and handed him a handler’s glove. Bokuto slipped it on and Ushijima put Earl on Bokuto’s arm. Akaashi and Bokuto gazed up at the large owl for some time admiring him. Earl looked down on them for some time. After a few minutes, Earl got restless and began to flap his wings a bit. Ushijima moved quickly to take him back from Bokuto before anything could happen.

Bokuto looked like he could die from happiness. He grinned at Ushijima and spoke, “Thanks, Ushijima. The show was great. Tendou said we could go to the observatory for a bit. So we’ll see you later.”

Ushijima merely nodded in response and stepped aside so they could pass. Bokuto grabbed Akaashi’s hand in the dark and led him to an exit hidden somewhere in the darkness behind Ushijima. Bokuto led them out and they were blinded by the setting sun staring directly in their faces. The two separated hands and held them up to block out the sun until their eyes could adjust again.

With eyes adjusted, Bokuto led Akaashi to another building. Akaashi felt uneasy about going into strange buildings since the zoo was technically closed, but Bokuto went straight in without hesitation so Akaashi had no choice but to follow him. It was dark in this building too, but not as dark as the last. They went up a couple of flights of stairs and wound up on an observation deck with a net covering the open viewing area. Past the net was a man-made forest and in the trees were

_Owls_!

Akaashi gave a little gasp. He’d never seen so many owls at once. There were different breeds, big and small, awake and sleeping, apparent and hidden, all living in the trees. His eyes wondered around seeking out all the owls. He felt his mouth gape open slightly. He leaned closer to the barrier his hands on the rails, trying to take in as much as possible. Trying to burn the image into his mind.

_This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen._

The net swayed slightly, catching Akaashi’s attention. Bokuto was holding dried fruit through the hole in the netting. Seconds later an owl flew up and perched on the netting. It nibbled at the fruit before taking it and flying away.

“Here.” He held out a package of dried fruits. “Tendou gave me these when you were petting Yuuri. If you hold it out, they will come and take it. Just watch your fingers. Fingers are tasty to them.”

Akaashi took a few pieces of fruit from the package and held one through the net. Just as before, not seconds after he held out the fruit, an owl flew up and perched near Akaashi on the net. Akaashi drew in a quick breath and held it, biting his cheeks as he observed the owl. It looked like a barn owl. It nibbled the fruit a couple of times before tearing it away from Akaashi and flying away. Akaashi couldn’t help but to smile and laugh a little.

“Bokuto-san this is amazing.” He mumbled as he put another piece of fruit through the net for the next owl. He could feel Bokuto observing him intently as he continued to feed the owls.

“I’m glad you like it Akaashi” he hummed in response and went back to feeding the owls as well.

After they ran out of food, they decided it was best they left before they got Tendou in trouble. They exited the zoo using an after-hours exit and boarded the train to make it closer back to home. Bokuto talked excitedly about owls and the observatory. He gave Akaashi owl facts and told about Tendou and Ushijima’s jobs at the zoo.

Bokuto led Akaashi to a small family owned ramen place next. It was one of those places that only sold ramen and there were only three types to choose from. Typically places like that are jam packed, but this one was surprisingly breathable. Akaashi settled on a miso ramen and Bokuto ordered a pork ramen. Everything about it was delicious. The broth was full of flavor and it complimented everything else in the bowl. Both ended up ordering another bowl, much to Akaashi’s own surprise.

To Akaashi’s astonishment, he found himself talking to Bokuto easily as the night progressed. Bokuto still did most of the talking, to Akaashi’s relief, but Akaashi could tell Bokuto about school or work without intense dread. He could make curt comments without fear of offending Bokuto. As the moments passed, he felt more and more comfortable just being in his presence.

As they left the restaurant, Akaashi could feel his stomach drop. It was already dark and was it was surely getting late. The date would end soon. He could feel a scowl forming on his face as he and Bokuto walked down the street.

“Uh. Akaashi?”

“Yes, Bokuto-san?”

“There’s one more thing I’d like to do tonight, if you’re up for it. I know it’s getting late and all.” Bokuto trailed off. His hand ran through his hair in what appeared to be nervousness.

“Sure, Bokuto-san. I’m not tired.”

Bokuto gave a “whoop” of excitement and pulled Akaashi across the street toward their new destination. They walked a few blocks and wound up at the park they’d met at. Bokuto grabbed Akaashi’s hand and led him to a secluded spot where there was a small field of grass and the trees opened up to show the night sky.

Bokuto collapsed on the ground and sprawled out on the ground, looking up at the sky. Akaashi kneeled and followed suit. He was surprised for what felt like the millionth time that day. They were in the middle of Tokyo, in the middle of the bright city, but there were stars. The sky was clear and dark and Akaashi could make out a handful of stars. He slowly closed his eyes and felt the soft air around him. The weather was perfect, the grass was soft, he was elated. He felt Bokuto’s hand brush up against his for what also felt like the millionth time that day. He didn’t flinch as Bokuto intertwined their fingers and brushed his thumb across Akaashi’s hand.

_This is it._

The two laid there holding hands and staring up at the night sky. Akaashi didn’t count the minutes. He only worried too many of them were passing. The feeling reminded him of a song he’d heard before. The lyrics drifted into his mind.

“If everything could ever feel this real forever

If anything could ever be this good again”

He could feel himself yearn for time to stretch out. Once this date was over, that was it. This feeling would be gone forever. He chewed on his lip in irritation.

Bokuto shifted on his elbow looking at Akaashi. Akaashi tried to quickly lose the scowl he knew was plastered on his face.

“Hey, ‘kashi?”

Not trusting his own voice, Akaashi hummed in response.

“I’ll be right back, okay?”

Akaashi’s eyebrows knitted together in concern, but he nodded in response. Bokuto squeezed his hand before letting go and running off. Akaashi closed his eyes and tried to calm his mind. He focused on deep breathing until he heard footsteps approaching.

“Sorry it took so long! They’re fresh though!” Bokuto cheered as he plopped back down and placed some takoyaki between them.

Akaashi eyed the takoyaki and felt a mixture of feelings at once. Guilt dominated over the other feelings. They were only together right now because Bokuto had felt guilt about Hatsuharu eating his takoyaki. Guilt over indulging on this date. Guilt over not wanting it to end. Guilt for having inconvenienced Bokuto. Guilt for considering going out with Bokuto an obligation even though he was so kind and had taken Akaashi out on a perfect date.

But there was also delight there. Delight Bokuto was kind and goofy enough to go buy them takoyaki. Delight and gratitude that the guilt riddled takoyaki would extend their time together just a bit more.

Instead of voicing this flurry of thoughts Akaashi merely mumbled “Thank you, Bokuto-san” and selected a piece to blow on before plopping it in his mouth.

They ate the takoyaki and settled back on the grass to watch the stars, conversation lazily passing between them. Lights from nearby shops and stands were beginning to shut off in the distance.

_It must be getting really late._

Bokuto rolled over on his elbows, hovering over Akaashi and gazed at his face. He looked full of worry and bit his lip a little, but didn’t speak for a moment. Akaashi wondered if he’d done something wrong or if Bokuto was going to tell him to get lost, the date was over.

As with everything Akaashi had assumed about Bokuto so far, he was terribly wrong. In a hushed whisper, much too quiet for Bokuto’s usual booming voice, but in his usual blunt way, he spoke.

“Akaashi. May I kiss you?”

Taken aback a little, Akaashi didn’t respond for a few seconds. Bokuto didn’t get upset from the delay, he just gazed at Akaashi with a soft smile on his face. Akaashi looked fully at Bokuto. He’d been avoiding looking at him directly all night. His eyes traced over his golden eyes, the little silver nose ring, and down to the curves of his lips. Feeling desire spread through him, he nodded to Bokuto.

Bokuto gingerly traced Akaashi’s chin with his thumb and cupped his face with one hand before leaning down and placing his lips on Akaashi’s softly. His lips were wet as if he’d just licked them. Akaashi could feel desire erupting through his entire body. He kissed back eagerly. One kiss turned into two and soon both of their mouths were open. Bokuto’s hot tongue brushing against Akaashi’s. His teeth gently nibbling on Akaashi’s lip. Akaashi let out a small moan and Bokuto’s hand found his and interlaced their fingers again. Bokuto kissed a little less passionately after Akaashi’s moan and broke away soon after. He stared down at Akaashi with a dazed look on his face. He didn’t move away from him.

Akaashi could feel a blush on his face. He hadn’t meant to moan or to even kiss Bokuto like that, but it had felt so good. It didn’t feel like anything he’d ever experienced before. Now Bokuto was staring at him and he had no idea what he was thinking. He turned his head away from Bokuto’s gaze and squeezed his eyes shut.

Bokuto gave his hand a squeeze and gave him a peck on his cheek.

“You’re so beautiful Akaashi. I’m sorry if I got a little carried away there. If I kiss you anymore though, well-” he trailed off. “Let’s just say, not tonight.” He laughed it off.

Akaashi turned to look at him. He had a blush going across his face as well. His hair was a bit messy from the day and his lips were swollen from kissing. Akaashi thought he was the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen. He wanted to kiss Bokuto again. He began to lean up to meet him, but Bokuto’s phone dinged and he immediately sat up to pull it out. Akaashi lay back down in the grass, slowly coming back to reality without Bokuto’s face seducing him.

“Dammit, Kuroo.” Bokuto mumbled over his phone as he texted away. He finished a text and began to put his phone back in his pocket, but was interrupted by it dinging again. He growled slightly and pulled it back out to read the text and type a short reply. It’d already went off several more times by the time he put it back in his pocket again. He just shook his head and turned to Akaashi.

“Is he always like that?” Akaashi mused.

Bokuto let out a big sigh. “He can be. We’re supposed to go some nerd lecture series tomorrow and we have to be on the first train. Basically,” he paused and thought for a moment. “Hmmm. He’s crashing our date again”. He laughed boisterously before continuing. “It’s late. Let me walk you home.” He jumped up and held a hand out to help Akaashi up. Akaashi reluctantly took his hand. He was fully capable of getting up by himself. Bokuto interlaced their fingers and they walked home bathed in starlight and city light.

**. . .**

Akaashi woke up the next morning feeling as if he’d just had the most wonderful dream. He felt calm. Safe. Cared for. Maybe even a little happy. He reluctantly peeled his eyes open to face reality and his blaring alarm clock. He swatted at his phone until it silenced. A strange color in his room caught his eye and forced him into coherence.

It was the flowers Bokuto had gotten him.

Akaashi couldn’t help but to smile and wrap his arms around his knees as he sat up and stared across the room at them. He wished they’d stay alive forever. It’d be something to remember Bokuto by since he probably wouldn’t see him again.

_That’s right. The obligation is over._

Akaashi let the sinking feeling spread over his body like an illness. He felt his smile warp into an exaggerated frown. He ducked his head into his knees and tried to make sense of the sinking feeling threatening to tear him through the bed with its weight. His alarm started going off again and pulled him from his momentary sulking. He shut off his alarm as a new message popped up. Without considering who it might even be from, he opened the messaging app immediately.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Akaaaashiiii. These lectures are so boring!

Akaashi found himself smirking and typing a reply before he could even catch himself.

**[Akaashi]** : Maybe you just don’t understand them. What type of lectures are they?

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : *gasp!*How dare you! (＃`Д´)

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Chemistry. Kuroo is some chemistry wiz kid. He couldn’t sucker anyone else to go with him. Not even the other chemistry grad students. I think they just didn’t want to be seen in public with him.

**[Akaashi]** : I thought you studied botany. Aren’t those sister subjects? Or did you only pass because you were an athlete?

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : (ᗒᗣᗕ)

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : NO!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I worked hard to graduate!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : I have to go. Apparently, I’m “distracting” when I text and we “will have to leave” if I have another “outburst”.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Kuroo’s threatening to tell you every embarrassing thing I’ve ever done since I was eight if we get kicked out….

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : Oh! Before I go…

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : I really loved spending time with you last night. I hope we can do it again soon o3o

**[Akaashi]** : Try not to think too hard, Bokuto-san. Your brain might implode.

**[Akaashi]** : I had a nice time too. Thank you for everything.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]** : When Bo was twelve he used to kasdfjhasidfgn

Akaashi found himself giggling at their antics. He wondered what it would be like to team up with Kuroo to tease Bokuto. He could hear Bokuto screeching their names. His eyebrows raised so hair they were practically in his hairline. His mouth wide. Remembering Bokuto’s mouth made Akaashi’s smile falter again. He missed that mouth already. Not just because of the tingle it left on his lips, but because of the random facts it knew, the way it rambled sometimes, and the way it formed Akaashi’s name, though it was hardly ever right.

Akaashi collapsed back into bed, his mind solely on Bokuto.

_Maybe_.

_Maybe It wouldn’t be so bad to continue this obligation for a while._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is Everlong from (the holy) Foo Fighters. I suggest you listen to it. Then listen to the acoustic version. Then listen to the acoustic version on repeat for hours on end while you cry and masturbate to it and your existence dissipates because it's so beautiful.


	9. Chapter 9

Akaashi didn’t know how it’d come to this.  How he’d even ended up in this position.

He felt the tears streaming down his face as he stared down into his plate. He couldn’t stand crying in front of others. On the premise of running his hand through his hair, he lowered his head and obstructed his face from the restaurant. He could feel the heat on his face and ears spreading to the back of his neck. He blinked his tears away and snuck a glance across the table. Bokuto sat cheerily engulfing his curry, not a care in the world crossing his mind. He bobbed and hummed to some song that was clearly taking place only in his head. It sounded vaguely like the theme song from some kids anime. He was oblivious to the turmoil Akaashi was currently experiencing. Next to him, Kuroo was hiding his face behind his hair and slowly raising a spoon up to his face. Akaashi could see his ears beat red sticking out from under his hair. He was steadily pretending he was invisible. Silence surrounded the table.

The waiter passed by and filled up Akaashi’s and Kuroo’s glasses. As soon as he left, both lunged for them and started chugging.

Bokuto chatted with another waiter that had passed by and ordered another curry.

_How’d this even happen?_

Akaashi had reluctantly agreed to meet Bokuto and Kuroo for lunch this week. Bokuto had insisted on it. Said Akaashi would absolutely love the place. Said it’d be a great break from class. Said he wouldn’t regret it.

Akaashi regretted it.

Everything had been fine, maybe even almost pleasant, until Bokuto and Kuroo spotted the super spicy ‘kill yo mama’ curry on the menu. Naturally, they wanted it. Said they _needed_ it. Said what’s living if they can’t have that. And naturally, like the children they were, they had to make a competition out of who could eat the most. Loser pays for the entire table. Akaashi had scoffed at the idea and tried to refuse, but had been ensnared by Kuroo’s snark.

“What’s the matter, Pretty Flower Boy? Don’t think you can handle it?” he had sneered at Akaashi. “Too scared to even try it? Well. Just cause you’ll be paying for my dinner, don’t think that means you can get handsy with me” he cooed and winked at Akaashi.

Normally, Akaashi was a composed human being. He didn’t let other people get to him. That damn cat though, knew how to press his buttons.

He wasn’t going to let that damn pain-in-the-ass-Kuroo-san beat him.

Bokuto had finished his second plate of curry by this point. He seemed even more chipper and hyper than earlier and was using Akaashi’s and Kuroo’s silence to rather loudly tell his theory on how he could train the dogs to sniff out owls so he could visit them later.

“So, dogs have great noses, right? Owls have to stay in that park. They have to! Where else would they live around here? They’re indigenous! Indigenous, I say! I always take the dogs there. I figure if I find an owl feather I can get them to smell it and sniff out their nests. Then, at night, I can come watch them! It’s going to be sooo cool!” he waved his arms in the air in his excitement, nodding his head and grinning at his own logic since Akaashi and Kuroo had resigned themselves to silence and staring wistfully into their plates.

Akaashi and Kuroo were sweating visibly now. Bokuto looked cool and refreshed as his third plate of curry was delivered to him.

_It’s like this stuff is his life energy. He’s a monster. With enough of it, he might be able to decimate Tokyo._

Akaashi couldn’t help but to scowl at Bokuto. The spice hadn’t gotten to him at all. Clearly, this wasn’t a fair challenge. He looked back toward Kuroo who was uncharacteristically quiet. He was staring down at a spoonful of curry hovering over his plate, not moving. Akaashi wasn’t sure if he was even breathing anymore.

Akaashi begrudgingly took another spoonful into his mouth. The heat wave hit him again and he felt his entire mouth cry and his stomach clench.

He was going to be sick.

He swallowed and reached for his already empty glass of water to scour for the last remaining drops of liquid and ice. Anything. Through his glass, he could see Kuroo still frozen in place.

_Maybe he really did pass out or something?_

He lowered his glass and quirked an eyebrow. He wasn’t concerned about him, but it’d be a pain if he needed medical attention. Or if he died. Being interrogated would be really annoying.

Just as he opened his mouth to say something, Kuroo abruptly pushed his chair back from the table and briskly made his way toward the bathroom.

“Ahahaha!” Bokuto chucked. “Looks like that’s a win for you, Akaashi! He’s not going to come back for this anytime soon.” He pulled Kuroo’s half-eaten plate toward himself and began eating it.

Akaashi could only sigh and push his plate away as he attempted to recover from the burning that had overtaken his body.

Bokuto ended up eating the rest of Akaashi’s curry as well. Akaashi watched him in wonder. Wonder if he ever got full. Wonder if he was a demon. Wonder what Akaashi would need to sacrifice to said demon if he ever went on a rampage.

True to the bet, Kuroo paid for everyone’s meal after he threw up in the bathroom for what seemed like an unnaturally long time. He came strolling out as if everything was normal, but his hair was even messier than usual as if he’d been running his hands through it and his face was wet from splashing water on it. Akaashi could only smirk at him.

These encounters came more and more frequent as the days passed. At first Akaashi and Bokuto just texted. Bokuto solely initiating the contact and Akaashi responding not entirely against his will. Bokuto would send him pictures of the dogs and of plants he’d found. He’d ask Akaashi if he thought a feather he found was possibly an owl’s and if he should have the dogs smell it. He’d ask about school and how Akaashi felt about bees, the word subtle, or whatever random thought popped into his head. But the more they texted, the more open Akaashi was to spend time with Bokuto.

They went for lunch and for walks in the park and on campus. Bokuto kept asking Akaashi out for official dates and Akaashi kept declining even though most would’ve considered their lunches and walks date-like. After a couple of weeks, Akaashi relented. Dates became more frequent after that and on each Bokuto would, without fail, bring Akaashi a small bouquet of flowers. Akaashi’s bookshelf became littered with dying flowers and fallen petals while his phone started to fill with flowers, Bokuto, and memories.

Terrible movies that Bokuto watched like a gleeful child while Akaashi watched Bokuto with amusement, strange dinners filled with laughter and aimless chatter, playing with the dogs in the park, not so hushed whispers in art galleries paired with dirty looks from other patrons, sweat drenched volleyball games with Bokuto’s friends, Akaashi beating Bokuto at every game in the arcade much to Bokuto’s astonishment (“Really, Bokuto. It’s a simple design.”), flowers selected specifically for Akaashi, Bokuto. It all became an integral part of Akaashi’s life in the matter of only a few weeks.

Akaashi began to ease into being around Bokuto. More astonishingly, Akaashi began to feel comfortable with Bokuto’s affections. Akaashi had never liked people touching him. They’d always wanted things. Affections to deceive. Touches to taint. Embraces to manipulate. But anytime Bokuto would grab his hand in excitement or affection, Akaashi wouldn’t even register it as an unwanted or intrusive touch. Or when Bokuto asked to kiss him. Always asked first. Akaashi had been hesitant the first few times. He recalled past experiences. He remembered that he didn’t like physical things like that. They didn’t sit well with him. As the weeks turned into months, Akaashi began to lean into the kisses and hugs. He let his eyes linger on Bokuto’s face when he spoke. He memorized the lines from his smile. The way his nose ring was invisible until you got up close. The way Bokuto reminded him of sunflowers bathed in sunlight and that feeling of excitement you got for your birthday as a kid. He still didn’t initiate contact, but Bokuto never seemed bothered by it. But they kissed. And each time Akaashi felt like he was in a field basking in the sun watching the clouds go by. Or snuggled in a blanket watching the stars. They never went farther and Bokuto never asked for more. Bokuto was broadening Akaashi’s small shut-in world. It was easy for him. Spending time with Bokuto was like basking in sunshine surrounded by flowers.

Or gazing at the sky.

They’d even gone to the club one night.

Akaashi had been reluctant at first. He’d even turned down the idea a few times, be eventually relented. Suga had invited them out. Apparently, Suga loved dancing and drinking. Apparently, Suga also couldn’t handle his liquor. At one point in the night, Suga began a table dance. Akaashi, slightly drunk himself, watched on bemusedly and wondered how some people could do things like that until Suga began to strip. When he got his shirt stuck on his head, Daichi intervened and carried him on his shoulder out of sight. Bokuto and Akaashi laughed and tried to ignore their strange disappearance while nursing their drinks and attempted to make idle chatter over the music. When Daichi brought Suga back, he was more sedate, but also more disheveled than before they’d left.

Anyone who had ever met Akaashi knew he wasn’t one for dancing. It just wasn’t a part of his personality. He didn’t care for it and he’d never learned. The thought never occurred to him that he might need dancing skills one day. He didn’t think he’d ever be in a situation to need them. He was painfully aware of this fact when Bokuto had asked him to dance with him. Caught up in Bokuto’s angelic grin and comfortable companionship, he didn’t even think to refuse.

Turns out, Bokuto was only graceful when he played volleyball.

The two attempting to dance was a nightmare. Awkward was an understatement. They tripped over each other and almost knocked a few people out. Bokuto just laughed about it as he caught Akaashi and held him close for a slow dance in the middle of some face paced techno song. Embarrassed, Akaashi hid his face in Bokuto’s chest and rocked back and forth with him.

On their way home, after Akaashi had recovered from utter embarrassment (and experiencing Suga’s table dance) Akaashi confronted Bokuto about it.

 “Why’d we go dancing if you don’t know how to dance?” Akaashi huffed. He didn’t necessarily enjoy embarrassing himself like that.

They wandered down the streets, grasping each other’s hands. Bokuto had drank quite a few drinks and was a bit more wobbly than usual.

“Oh. Uh. Well.” Bokuto rubbed the shaved part of the back of his head with his free hand. “I grew up dancing with my mom, right? When we’d watch movies together or when we were just goofin’ around, we’d dance together. It didn’t’ matter if neither of us knew how. Back then. Uhh. Back when my mother and father would spend time together, they’d always dance in the kitchen together when they were cooking. Just a quick twirl around the kitchen. A dip if they were feeling fancy smancy. I just-.” He bit his lip. “I just wanted to do that sort of thing with you. Dancing like an idiot with someone I care about is one of the happiest memories I have in life.”

Akaashi bit his lip. His brow furrowed on impulse. He couldn’t respond to that. The story was loaded with personal tidbits. Confessions.

_When my mother and father would spend time together. . ._

_. . . someone I care about. . ._

_. . . care about. . ._

He could feel his heart tug a little. He couldn’t reciprocate those feelings.

_Not when. . ._

Akaashi could feel tears begin to form in the corners of his eyes.

_No. Not now._

Bokuto squeezed Akaashi’s hand and pulled him to a halt under a streetlight near Akaashi’s apartment. The light illuminated his eyes and they pierced into Akaashi’s being. He would never admit it aloud, but he had grown fond of Bokuto. If he were shouting things to the void where absolutely no human being alive or dead could hear, he might even whisper into the void with a cracked voice that he adored him.

Akaashi studied Bokuto’s eyes. Bokuto’s soul shone through his eyes. The openness. The honesty.

The love he had for Akaashi.

_Am I leading Bokuto on? He’s not a part of the plan. I’ll-. I’ll be gone soon._

Bokuto leaned in and kissed Akaashi gently on the forehead.

Another pang rang though Akaashi followed by a jolt.

_I don’t want to hurt him._

“You looked sexy when you danced.” He slurred.

_Only someone who was utterly in love with me would say that._

Akaashi attempted a snort before answering.

_Act normal. Controlled. You have to do this. You should never have let it go this far._

“Bokuto-san how much did you drink when I wasn’t looking?”

Bokuto gave a prolonged gasp and held his hand to his heart daintily. His mouth gaped and Akaashi was slightly concerned he’d swallow a bug if he stayed like that. Akaashi could feel his heart bloom with something warm and fuzzy, but was quickly replaced with ice and dread.

Instead of forming an actual response, Bokuto giggled.

Akaashi could feel a rift form inside of him. Like a tear in a sheet of paper.

“Akaaaaashiii’s so meeeaaan to meee.” Bokuto whined followed by a hiccup.

_Detach_. _Separate_.

“You just proved my point. Are you even going to be able to make it home like that?” Akaashi deadpanned his voice tight.

_Do what you must._

Bokuto grinned again. God, Akaashi could look at that grin for days. Bokuto straightened up, raised Akaashi’s hand to his mouth and gave it a kiss.

“It’s nice when you care.” He murmured.

The rift expanded to a chasm. The paper in torn in half.

_No_.

A million emotions flooded through Akaashi. They flooded through that chasm created to separate him and Bokuto. A million different ways he could’ve responded to that flowed through his mind. A million ways he could’ve shown appreciation for Bokuto.

_This isn’t okay._

Or even given him a chance.

_I can’t._

Instead, he jerked his hand from Bokuto’s and formed a deadpan expression. “You’re imagining it. It’s my duty as a citizen to ensure there aren’t drunks wandering around the street at night.”

“Geh! So cold!” Bokuto cried out. He slowly pulled Akaashi’s other hand and kissed Akaashi’s hand and kissed it too. Akaashi could feel his body tense and pull instinctively away from the man. Bokuto didn’t seem to notice and continued, “Well. Let me finish walking you home before you decide you need to call the cops on me.”

_No. I need to get out of here. Now._

Akaashi could feel panic rising in him. The urgency to run. To hide.

To scream and cry in a ball in the middle of the street.

“That’s okay. I can make it on my own. Goodbye, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi flatly replied. He turned heel before Bokuto could respond and made haste in the direction of his apartment, leaving Bokuto standing there alone, confused, and a little drunk.

**. . .**

Akaashi made it into his apartment, gasping for air. He clawed at his chest. Tears forming in his eyes. He collapsed in the entryway of his apartment heaving.

_It’s done._

_Now I can get back to where I’m supposed to be._

**. . .**

It’d been days since Akaashi had seen Bokuto. It’d been days since Akaashi had dared to turn on his phone. He’d turned it off before he’d even made it into his apartment after their date. Before he broke.

It’d also been days since he’d left his apartment. He laid in bed trying to force himself into a coma. Force himself to sleep through this. The feelings.

The pain.

The guilt.

Oh god, the guilt. Akaashi was paralyzed by his own brain fighting against him. Pointing and sneering at him. Whispering in his ear.

_You really are heartless Akaashi. Leading poor Bokuto on like that and then dropping him. What kind of monster are you? Are you even human? You don’t deserve to still be alive._

Akaashi laid unmoving and unblinking, letting these thoughts was over him and permeate in to his skin. It was right. All of it. It was right.

**. . .**

It was hunger that finally moved Akaashi, though just a little bit. It’d been days since he’d eaten. Longer since he’d showered. Even longer since he’d left the apartment. He tried his best to ignore the pain in his stomach. To let the pain of his existence overpower his physiological needs. To lie in bed until he didn’t exist anymore. To be free.

His physical pain pulled him from his emotional pain eventually.

He half-heatedly scoured the apartment for food, but it was all gone. It’d been weeks since he’d left and it wasn’t like he normally kept much to eat around anyway. Don’t need food when you’re half-heartedly attempting to starve yourself to death.

His stomach gave a growl and a sharp jolt of pain. Clutching himself, he steeled himself into going to the convenience store.

_Just get in and get out._

Disheveled, unwashed, and in pain he walked to the store. He grabbed several of whatever was in the bento case, not caring to look at what it was or the price. At the counter, he was met with brown sparkling eyes and flaming orange hair.

“AAAAKAAASHIIII!” Hinata bellowed at a volume that Akaashi was certain broke the sound barrier and no human should be capable of producing with their own body. Akaashi flinched and closed his eyes to somehow made the sound quieter as he set his food on the counter. In his starvation, he’d forgotten that Hinata worked here still.

_Just pay and get out. Simple._

With a deep sigh he replied, “Good evening, Hinata.”

“You don’t look so good, Akaashi” he continued at a sound level that didn’t result in the need for hearing aids, “Is something wrong? Bokuto’s been kinda down lately. And you look like shit. Did something happen?”

Akaashi had thought he was already at rock bottom. He already thought he couldn’t feel any worse for dropping Bokuto without a word. But with every word Hinata said, combined with this sad wistful look on his face Akaashi felt himself sink deeper and deeper.

_You piece of shit. You’re making everyone worry. They’d be better off without you. Without having ever met you._

Akaashi stared hard at the counter before replying. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to talk to Hinata. He couldn’t process information right now. He was barely a human being. If he was even still that.

He forcibly cleared his throat and answered with the first lie that came to his mind.

“Sick.”

He shoved money toward Hinata and grabbed his bags, eyes still locked on the beat-up counter.

Hinata let out a low “oooohhh” and handed Akaashi his change. Back to his usual loud and chipper mood, he yelled, “I hope you feel better soon Akaashi! When you’re better we can all play volleyball again!” to Akaashi as Akaashi quickly exited the store without another word. He wasn’t going to ever be able to go back into that store.

By the time he got back to the apartment, he wasn’t even hungry anymore. He slammed the door shut and threw the entire bag into the fridge.

He was done. It was time to drift off to sleep for another week or so.

**. . .**

Someone was knocking on a door.

Akaashi drifted in and out of sleep. Still not entirely convinced the sound wasn’t in his head, he merely rolled over.

The sound kept getting louder. Someone was beating on the door now. Akaashi slowly came to and tried to rationalize where the sound was coming from.

“Akaashi! Akaashi! I know you’re in there!” a voice shouted from the door.

_I was having such a nice sleep._

Still groggy, he’d yet to realize who was yelling his name. He sat up and hung his legs off the bed while he gathered his surroundings.

_Man. This place is a dump._

The beating on the door had now escalated to alternations between someone pounding their fist and kicking the door. Akaashi stretched and shuffled toward the door. Not taking the chain off, he cracked it an inch and gave his most menacing glare to his unwanted and unknown visitor.

A head of perfect chestnut brown hair with matching eyes greeted him. The eyes were angry and inches from where Akaashi’s own face was behind the door. Oikawa stood there with looking angelic with his perfect hair and designer glasses. Well. He would’ve if he didn’t look so pissed. His lips were drawn in impressively tight and Akaashi could see the vein in his forehead throbbing.

“Oh. Gooood~. You are alive. Maybe then you can tell me why your mother is coming to me at the salon sobbing about how her son hates her and won’t answer her calls.” He growled not even pretending to fake politeness like usual.

Akaashi could only feel the deadness inside of him. Oikawa was bothering him. He was making him feel bad about things he didn’t have to feel bad about anymore.

Akaashi made to close the door in Oikawa’s face.

“Oh, no you don’t!” Oikawa yelled. He pressed his body against the door and wrapped his hand around to undo the lock. Akaashi was too frail from not eating, he couldn’t even fight off Oikawa anymore. He gave up without too much resistance only seconds later.

Oikawa pushed the door open and let himself inside. Behind him stood Iwaizumi with his arms crossed looking highly conflicted.

He leaned against the railing and called to Oikawa. “Since you’re in now, I’ll wait for you out here.”

Oikawa didn’t respond and just walked to Akaashi’s bedroom. Defeated, Akaashi just glared at Iwaizumi and closed the door.

He followed Oikawa to his bedroom where he seemed to be hunting for something. Akaashi just wanted to go back to sleep.

“Why the fuck are you here?” Akaashi groaned. His voice cracked and rugged from not being used in-. Days? Weeks? He had no idea what day it was or let alone what time it was.

Oikawa’s head jerked up from where he was looking. He turned to look at Akaashi. He was fuming. He opened his mouth, presumably to yell, but dropped his head back and resumed his hunt. Akaashi laid back on the bed and pretended that Oikawa wasn’t there, letting himself begin to drift off to sleep. A little “ah-ha!” caught his attention and he lazily peeked one eye open to see what all the excitement was about.

Oikawa stood towering over him. His had his arms crossed and he wore that terrifying scowl again. It was a wonder he was considered so handsome sometimes. Seeing that Akaashi was watching him, he uncrossed his arms and held something out in front of Akaashi’s face.

“Look at this!” he screeched. “What the fuck Akaashi?” and then a quieter “What the fuck, man?”.

Akaashi’s eyes took a moment to adjust. Oikawa had found his phone and turned it on. Missed calls, texts, voicemails, and emails were still flooding in. Akaashi scowled back at Oikawa and rolled over in the bed. From over his shoulder, he could hear Oikawa growling at him. He was likely to combust. He was going to scream at Akaashi until he got what he wanted. Whatever that was.

Akaashi could hear footsteps heading to the door and the door opening. Relieved, Akaashi let himself drift off back to sleep.

**. . .**

The hunger had to have finally gotten to Akaashi. He could smell something delicious in close proximity. It was so thick, he thought it must be in the apartment. But that couldn’t be right. He lived alone and he definitely wasn’t cooking. It must be one of the neighbors. A growl emitted from his stomach forced Akaashi’s eyes open.

The smell was coming from inside his apartment.

He rubbed his eyes and tried to take in his surroundings. Clean floors. No multiple sets of dying flowers littering his bookcase. No trash spewed everywhere. This couldn’t be his apartment.

Hushed whispers in the kitchen drew his attention. He silently got out of bed and snuck to see around the corner. Iwaizumi stood there in an apron (where’d that come from?) stirring a pot of food and Oikawa stood next to him still seething and with arms still crossed but with a more somber expression tugging at his face now. Another growl from Akaashi’s stomach pulled their attention from their fervent whispering and toward him.

_Fuck. My brain may be a bully, but my stomach is a straight up traitor._

Akaashi physically flinched and braced himself for more yelling. Questions. Demands.

Instead, Oikawa just spoke in a subdued tone. “Dinner will be done soon. Why don’t you go shower and change? I put some clothes out for you in the bathroom. I’m going to wash your sheets while we wait.”

Rather than attempt to fight him, Akaashi nodded and walked to the bathroom.

The bathroom had been cleaned and organized too. Towels were washed and folded. New soap and fancy shampoo that Oikawa used at the salon had been bought.

Akaashi did his best not to think while he showered. He let the scalding water wash over him and release the tension in his muscles. He scrubbed his entire body vigorously leaving him slightly pink from head to toe.

Oikawa had left clothes out for him. Underwear, a dark pair of jeans, and a large cozy sweater Akaashi had forgotten he had. He grimaced slightly.

_No matter the situation, Oikawa has to make everyone look good around him._

He exited the bathroom and found Oikawa and Iwaizumi sitting at the table in the common area with three already made plates.

Akaashi sat down at the empty place and looked at the food before him. Beef curry and rice, salad, miso soup, and hot green tea. He eyed he curry somewhat heinously.

_Bokuto_.

He heard a faint “Itadekimasu” from across the table and picked his chopsticks up on cue. He took one bite of curry and chewed it slowly. Iwaizumi was a wonderful cook. The meat was tender and the curry was flavorful, but not overpoweringly so.

He could feel tears running down his cheeks.

More than the food being wonderful, which it was, it was the first hot meal Akaashi had eaten since he’d shut himself in. It felt so good. So, so good.

He could feel two sets of eyes staring him from across the table. Aware, he wiped his face with his arm and returned to eating with a new vigor.

They ate in relative silence. When they finished Oikawa leaned out and gave a satisfied groan. Iwaizumi, looking as cranky and tired as ever, began gathering the dishes. Akaashi could hear water running and him rummaging for containers it the kitchen. Oikawa left, presumably to check on Akaashi’s laundry. Akaashi figured they’d been there for hours and they’d go home when they were done.

Yet they still didn’t leave.

Oikawa helped himself to Akaashi’s laptop and put on a movie. He and Iwaizumi cuddled up together near Akaashi and they all watched in silence.

Akaashi didn’t know what was happening. If they were going to yell at him, tell him how disappointed they were with him, he wished they’d go ahead and get it over with. Keeping him in suspense was cruel. It made his stomach ache.

Oikawa waited until they were invested in the movie before he spoke.

“You know. It’s not just your mom. Bokuto was here too.”

Akaashi felt the cold chill start at the back of his neck and evolve into an electric shock spreading over his body. From the corner of his eye, he could see Oikawa and Iwaizumi still facing forward. Iwaizumi looked deep in thought, but Oikawa trained his face to look bored.

They sat in silence for several more minutes. Each stared intently at the movie without paying any attention to it.

“Keiji” Oikawa began again, speaking calmly and slowly, “You know this isn’t you. It’s getting worse. Let us in. Let someone in. Let someone help you.”

Akaashi stared blankly forward.

They finished the movie in silence. Oikawa and Iwaizumi finished cleaning up from dinner. Oikawa went to the kitchen and brought back a vase of flowers and a couple of papers.

_Bokuto._

He set it on the bookshelf that had been cleaned of multiple bouquets of dying flowers. He turned sharply on his heel and pointed accusingly at Akaashi.

“We’ll be back tomorrow! Text your mother. Email your professors. Read your messages. If you try to ignore us I will break this door down.” He huffed and headed to the door.

Iwaizumi stood there with an eyebrow quirked to Oikawa, but didn’t follow suit immediately. Instead, he turned to Akaashi and spoke with a friendlier voice than Akaashi usually heard from him.

“If you need anything from us, please give us a call. If you have a meal you like, text Oikawa and I’ll make it tomorrow. You may not want us here right now, and you may not understand why Oikawa’s acting like this right now, but we care about you. Just-. If you keep everything bottled up and avoid it-. It’ll cripple anyone. Have a good night, Akaashi. Get some rest and think about it.”

He turned and followed Oikawa out, shutting the door softly behind him. With the apartment empty, Akaashi got a full view of the flowers across the room. White carnations and a violet flower he was unfamiliar with stood proudly in a vase that wasn’t his. He couldn’t help but feel the right side of his lips twitch upward for a fraction of a second. A spark in the darkness. Bokuto had teased him about lacking a real vase. Said Akaashi would hurt the flowers feelings if he kept sticking them in cups and whatever else he could find. Looks like he finally caved and brought Akaashi one.

_But Bokuto’s gone now. And Oikawa and Iwaizumi went home too._

The spark snuffed out. Engulfed. He was alone. Nothing to distract him anymore. The veil of nothingness and pain fell back over his eyes. Any semblance of an agreeable mood erased forever.

Shaking, he crawled back into bed. Back to pretending he didn’t exist. Back to sleeping forever.

**. . .**

_Keiji—_

_I don’t know what happened and I don’t understand. I know_

_I’m not the smartest person and I’m loud and childish. But I do care_

_About you. If I crossed a line, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry._

_Please forgive me. Don’t think That I won’t understand._

_I’ll fix whatever I need to. Please._

_I miss you._

_-Koutarou_

**. . .**

The blinding sun tore Akaashi from his sleep the next morning. At some point Oikawa or Iwaizumi had opened the blinds last night so Akaashi would be forced to get out of bed at least once today. He rolled out of bed to close the blinds so he could resume his self-imposed hibernation, but the sight of the sky stopped him. There were pinks, soft blues, and golden tones peeking out from behind the buildings as the sun made her assent in the sky. Hand on the curtain to pull it shut, he stood there mesmerized until his feet ached from standing in one place for so long. Abandoning the sun and the curtain, he headed into the kitchen.

He found his phone on the counter with a note under it.

**Keiji-**

**Call your mother.**

**Email your professors.**

**Iwai-chan made you food. It’s in the fridge.**

**We WILL see you tonight.**

**-Oikawa.**

 

Akaashi didn’t know if he was capable of dealing with any of those things. Or if he even wanted to. If he didn’t he’d have to deal with Oikawa yelling at him. Knowing Oikawa, if he didn’t at least try or make it look like things were somewhat better, he’d call every single person in Akaashi’s phone over. He didn’t have boundaries when he got on something.

_I can at least eat. That will be something._

He opened the fridge and took a moment to process what greeted him. Leftovers from last night were there, green tea, fresh vegetables, fruits, fish, eggs, a couple of homemade bentos, onigiri. Food. Akaashi’s fridge never had food. He shut it and opened his cabinets. Sure enough, they were loaded with necessities and snacks as well. Akaashi smacked his forehead with his hand.

_I’m going to have to pay him back._

He selected one of the bentos Iwaizumi had made and sat at the table in his room. The flowers Bokuto had brought stared at him while he ate. Even though he never planned on seeing Bokuto again, he had to admit he always enjoyed the flowers he brought. He leaned his elbow on the table and rested his chin on his hand. Bokuto was a flower. He spread joy wherever he went. Easily accepted by everyone.

Akaashi soon found himself caught up in fond memories of Bokuto with a soft smile on his face. Upon realization, he tore himself from gazing at the flowers and picked himself up to put his dishes in the sink. His phone, still laying on the kitchen counter, caught his eye on the way. Out of habit, he read the incoming message.

**[Unknown Sender]:** This is Iwaizumi. Did you pick what you wanted for dinner? I’ll make your favorite.

Akaashi frowned. He didn’t want to burden Iwaizumi by asking too much from him. Another message came in before he could think too much about it.

**[Unknown Sender]** : Tooru said if you don’t tell me, he’d invite your parents and Bokuto over for dinner.

Dread spread over Akaashi like a cold chill.

_Oikawa would do it too._

He wasn’t ready for that. No way, no how. He swiped up his phone quickly.

**[Akaashi]** : Boiled rapeseed with Karashi dressing is my favorite.

Akaashi saved the number while he waited to see if there would be a response.

**[Iwaizumi]** : Really?

**[Iwaizumi]** : I’ll make fish, rapeseed, and rice probably then. I’ll pick up some rapeseed after work.

Akaashi bit his lip. He couldn’t ask Iwaizumi to go through more trouble for him. He was already coming over (probably against his will) and cooking.

**[Akaashi]** : No. I’ll go pick some up today. I’m not going back to class yet.

**[Iwaizumi]** : Alright. Don’t push yourself too hard. One of us can easily go if you don’t think you can handle it.

**[Iwaizumi]** : Also. If you are up to it, Tooru would enjoy giving you a haircut.

There was a pause, but Iwaizumi sent another message shortly after.

**Iwaizumi** : Although he’s a pain in the ass so I’d understand if you didn’t want to.

Akaashi couldn’t help but to give a little laugh. Their relationship was so strange sometimes.

**. . .**

Akaashi had accomplished more today than he had in the last month. He’d put on real clothes and entered into the outside world. He picked up the rapeseed plants, a cake for dessert, and a large amount of cash to pay back Oikawa and Iwaizumi, though he wasn’t sure if it was near enough. He went to get a haircut from Oikawa who had greeted him with a smile and threatened him with scissors. He’d made it back to the apartment. All without any unexpected encounters and minimal anxiety.

But now he’d hit a wall.

He sat with his phone on the table. He need to contact his mother. Email his professors. Something.

But he couldn’t.

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to interact with them yet. He didn’t want to be fussed at. To hear how disappointed they were with him. Looking at his phone made him uneasy.

He curled up in a ball on the floor. His face strained. His entire being on the verge of tears. He let go. He laid there and cried himself to sleep.

**. . .**

The sound of knocking pulled him from his sleep. He rubbed his eyes and stood up to open the door. He assumed Oikawa and Iwaizumi were there. He opened the door, but no one was there. Confused, he stepped out to the walkway to look around. Not a soul was in sight. As he stepped back inside, he noticed something on the ground by the door.

More flowers. This time lavender and sunflowers.

_Bokuto_.

He picked them up and smelled them. This was his favorite combination of flowers so far. He brought them in and placed them on the bookshelf next to the flowers from yesterday. There were notes attached to each. Akaashi couldn’t look at them. Not yet.

Moments later, Akaashi heard another knock at his door. This time it was more obnoxious.

_Ah. That must be Oikawa._

Upon entering, Oikawa demanded to know if Akaashi had contacted his mother yet. Akaashi hung his head and mumbled a “No”.

Oikawa put his hands on his hips and took a deep audible breath in. “Well!” he loudly asserted, “Why don’t we work on that together while Iwai-chan makes dinner?”

Rather than giving him a choice, he blew a kiss to Iwaizumi and ushered Akaashi to the table.

Within the next hour they’d composed a set of texts to Akaashi’s parents, emailed his professors with an explanation, apology, and promise to return to class next week, an email to his job apologizing, and a list of work Akaashi had to do to catch up in class. They’d done more than Akaashi had ever hoped to do. The relief washed over him as Oikawa stretched and Iwaizumi brought plates to them.

He felt as if he’d been in a body cast and now the cast had been shed to just a leg and an arm cast. He could breathe more. He could move.

He still had amends to make.

For the second night in a row, Akaashi cried at dinner. He’d forgotten how much he loved boiled rapeseed. He savored a bite before addressing Iwaizumi.

“Iwaizumi-san, thank you for cooking. It’s rather impressive. I really appreciate it.” He turned to view Oikawa, “And Oikawa. Thank you for barging in. I’m sorry I yelled at you. Thank you for helping me email everyone. I don’t think I could’ve done it myself. Please tell me what I owe you for the groceries you bought and for the work you’ve done”.

Iwaizumi just nodded at Akaashi and continued eating. Oikawa, however, gave a big smile and leaned his elbows on the table, resting his face in his hands.

“It’s about time you got it back together. You’re forgiven,” a Cheshire cat grin spread on his face now, “but you’re not paying me back just yet. You’re going to pay me back threefold after you graduate.”

“Shittykawa.” Iwaizumi growled at him.

“What?” Oikawa replied making an innocent face. “I have my reasons. Surely Akaashi won’t disagree with those terms.”

Akaashi shook his head. “Whatever you want.”

“Good.” Iwaizumi purred, “Because I have another demand for you.” He paused, staring down Akaashi with a threatening look. “You’re going to apologize to Bokuto, too. He’s worried about you.”

“I don’t-.“ Akaashi paused. Gears starting to turn in his head. “Wait. Do you know Bokuto?”

Oikawa leaned back on his hands and gave a mischievous grin. “I know everyone.”

Akaashi glowered at Oikawa.

“What have you told him?”

“Oh. A little of this. A little of that. That you’re still alive.”

“No. I refuse.”

A vicious look spread over Oikawa’s face. He was going to snap.

“Look.” He spoke sharply. “I don’t know why you don’t want to talk to him and I don’t really care. But you are going to apologize. Bokuto doesn’t deserve to be abandoned and ignored like that. No one does, but least of all, him.” He was practically snarling now. “Besides, if you hated him, you wouldn’t be keeping the flowers he keeps leaving. You’re just scared. You’re hurting him, you know? So apologize and break it off with him properly if you’re going to do it. Or else I’ll bring him to you and make it happen.”

**. . .**

_Keiji—_

_I heard that you’ve been sick. I hope you feel_

_Better soon. If you need ANYTHING I will do it for you._

_Again, I’m sorry if I offended you somehow the last time_

_I saw you. Please give me the chance to work things out._

_I miss you so much._

- _Koutarou_

**. . .**

Before Akaashi went to sleep that night, he took a picture of the flowers Bokuto had left earlier. He wanted to remember them even after they’d wilted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5/17/18: Do you ever just read old things you wrote and realize you're such an asshole? Like, damn. I'm crying here. Why'd I make it so sad?


	10. Chapter 10

The days of the week went by. Oikawa and Iwaizumi continued to come over, but the interactions became less tense and moved toward being more friendly and jovial. Akaashi’s professors had replied asking if they could help and giving him extensions on his projects. His mother had called and checked in on him. Satisfied from hearing his voice, she stopped begging Oikawa to check on him. He had been fired from the bookstore for too many no shows, but they would give him a good recommendation if he needed one and there were no hard feelings. If he wanted to reapply to help around the holidays, they would be glad to have him as a seasonal hire.

Akaashi couldn’t describe the elation he felt from all of this. He’d been avoiding these things for the last month and they’d slowly been eating away at him and pushing him further into himself. Moving past them felt so good. He wondered why he’d even avoided them in the first place. They all felt much larger and consequences were so much worse in his head. It was silly and he knew it, but sometimes his brain convinced him otherwise. All of it seemed so far away now and simple.

He’d started catching up on assignments, but not in such a furious perfectionist vigor as before. He did the calmly and with without letting himself get too carried away with how he could make a simple assignment perfect.

Thanks to Iwaizumi cooking every night for the past week, Akaashi had eaten more than he’d eaten in the past month or two even. He regained some of the weight he’d lost in the last month. He was still far too skinny, but his ribs poked out slightly less and he started regaining some color that a normal human being should have instead of that sickly look.

Overall, things were going well. They were as close to normal for Akaashi as they’d been for a long time. On Sunday, he went to the park and walked so he could get some fresh air and exercise. Summer was in full swing now and it felt good to sweat again. He told himself that he’d start jogging again. It’d be good for him. Maybe pull him out of his own head when his brain wanted to fight him.

At the park, he passed by Bokuto’s garden out of habit. He looked around cautiously to make sure Bokuto wasn’t there for some reason and approached it. A few of the plants were dying from the summer heat. There were a few spots where weeds had grown up and were attacking the plants that Bokuto had given a home there. It looked as if Bokuto hadn’t been attending to the garden as much lately as usual.

_I wonder if there’s something wrong with him?_

Without thinking, he kneeled by the garden and began pulling weeds. He admired the flowers and plants as he worked. The was a small peach tree that was attempting to give off fruit, but wasn’t quite mature enough to produce anything big enough to eat. There was a row of lettuce that was going to go bad soon if no one took it. There was a tiny tomato bush that weeds had grown up around, but had still managed to produce some tomatoes although quite a few had already fallen off and rotten. Most of the plants Akaashi didn’t know. They hadn’t been given name plates for others to identify them. He could tell some of them were probably herbs or just small bushes of trees.

Akaashi worked until the sweat dripped down his face and the dirt under his fingernails compacted, but the garden was clear of weeds now. He raised up and wiped the sweat from his forehead. A cool breeze drifted by like a little thank you from the flowers. He closed his eyes and tried to soak up all the cool air possible.

A bell sounded in the wind causing him to open his eyes. He could hear a bark in the distance. Fearful Bokuto had come to walk the dogs or tend to his garden, he looked around him, but found no one. He pulled a reusable bag from his regular bag and placed all the pulled weeds in it to take to the compost area nearby.  The plants still needed to be watered, so he took the watering bucket that Bokuto kept in the garden to the fountain nearby and disposed of the weeds at the compost.

After he watered the plants, he set the bucket exactly back where he’d gotten it and stared at the garden. Bokuto had made it lovely and Akaashi felt good for helping out with it, even though Bokuto would never know that it was him who’d helped clean it up. He was proud of his work. The more he gazed on the garden, the more it bothered him that there weren’t tags to identify what was there. He remembered a flower shop on the same street as Oikawa’s salon and set off to see if they had anything.

A short man with black hair and bleached bangs greeted him cheerfully as he walked in. He seemed to vibrate in place as he spoke to Akaashi. He had sleeves of tattoos, a pierced eyebrow, and gauges. Akaashi wondered why he worked in a flower shop briefly, but decided that it wasn’t his place to judge.

“Hiya! What can I do for you today?” he beamed as Akaashi walked in.

“Ah.” Akaashi paused. He just realized he didn’t know the name of what it was he was looking for. “There’s this little garden an acquaintance of my has and I think it’s a shame that it doesn’t have any signs identifying what’s in it, so I’d like to get something for that.”

“Oooh! Gotcha! Let me look around and see if I have any nameplates in stock still! Feel free to look around for a bit!” he raced around the shop looking for what Akaashi wanted.

Akaashi glanced around. There were flowers, plants, gardening supplies, novelties, clothes, books, and everything the small shop could fit in that had to deal with any plant that went in the ground.

_I wonder if Bokuto comes here sometimes._

A ringing of chimes caught his attention. There was a display of chimes off to the side. A pure black cat brushed against it and ran off in the store.

_Strange_.

He approached the chimes to look at them. Some were almost as tall as Akaashi. Others were tiny- no bigger than his hand. One, a small traditional chime with sunflowers painted on it, caught his eye. He pulled it from the display and held it in his hands. He’d seen these kinds of chimes mostly hanging outside of houses, but he wondered if he could find some way to hang it in the garden.

“Oooh.” The shop workers voice popped up behind him, making Akaashi start.  “That one’s real pretty. If you were thinking about putting in the garden, we have little two-foot stakes that you could hang it off of. The sunflower symbolizes happiness and longevity so I’m sure the owner would be pleased to have it.”

Akaashi nodded slowly. “I would like this and a stake for it as well then, please.”

“Alright! And I found one pack of markers. There’s about fifteen in here. If you need more, I can order you some more to pick up later, but this will at least get you started.” The shop owners voice chimed.

“Thank you. I’m honestly not sure how many I need, but I think this will be fine for now.”

Akaashi paid the cheerful man and walked back to the park. On high alert after hearing more barking dogs, he carefully crept to the garden. He placed the chime in an empty spot and placed the markers in front of every distinguishable plant. He marked the ones he knew and left the others blank for Bokuto to add in later.

Before heading home, he picked a head of lettuce that probably wasn’t going to make it another day before wilting and a couple of tomatoes. It made Bokuto happy when people ate things from his garden.

**. . .**

That night, Akaashi helped Iwaizumi prep dinner while Oikawa told some story that both Akaashi and Iwaizumi tuned out entirely. Akaashi used the lettuce and tomatoes to make a small dinner salad for everyone and Iwaizumi made tonkatsu with rice and soup.

During dinner Oikawa continued to dominate the conversation, which suited Akaashi and Iwaizumi just fine. Things felt nice and warm. Akaashi could feel himself regarding them almost as if they were family somewhere in the back of his head. They were people who cared that he could trust, despite Oikawa being a general shit and Iwaizumi perpetually looking pissed off.

They’d agreed that since Akaashi would go back to school tomorrow, Oikawa and Iwaizumi would stop coming over every day as long as Akaashi informed at least one of them that he was alive for the next couple of weeks or until things went back to a mostly normal pace.

Akaashi looked pointedly at Iwaizumi and spoke in a toneless voice when making this agreement.

“I’ll be texting you.”

Iwaizumi merely nodded and shoved more rice in his mouth while Oikawa make some sort of offended noise the two tried to ignore.

“Your betrayal of my kindness aside,” Oikawa continued, “Have you spoken to Bokuto yet?”.

Akaashi put down his chopsticks and stared down at his food. He thought about just not answering Oikawa. About lying or never talking to Bokuto again. Something inside him made him opt for honesty instead.

“I haven’t. I wasn’t going to until after I started school back. I don’t know what to say to him. Or if I even really want to talk to him. I haven’t even looked at any of the messages or voicemails he left and I haven’t read the notes he left on the flowers.” He gestured to the two bouquets of flowers Bokuto had left last earlier in the week, now withering in their vases.

“Are you afraid?” Iwaizumi inquired without looking up from eating.

Akaashi could feel himself blush lightly. Was he?

“Yeah. A little bit.” He admitted.

“Why? Bokuto isn’t like this idiot here.” Oikawa screeched at Iwaizumi interrupting him, but Iwaizumi continued. “He isn’t going to yell at you. He’s kind, also unlike someone else here.” Oikawa opened his mouth to yell, but Iwaizumi placed his hand over his mouth automatically and continued talking as if Oikawa wasn’t struggling under his hand. “He’s not dumb either. I think he knows a bit more about what you’re going through than you think. From what I hear, he gets like this from time to time too. Though, he hasn’t had any major problems in the last year or so.”

_Bokuto. Gets like this too? But he’s literal sunshine. And so. So happy. All the time._

“Iwa-chan is right. Bokuto will understand. He’s a very forgiving guy. He’s probably more worried about you than he is hurt by you right now. He’s much more open and kind and sensitive than someone I know.” Oikawa loudly proclaimed with a little bit of the nasty side of his attitude coming out.

Iwaizumi didn’t let it faze him at all and continued eating. Akaashi couldn’t help but to chuckle. They fought like an old married couple.

“I need to figure out what I’m going to say to him and if I want to continue to be around him. After that, I will.” Akaashi evenly reasoned.

Both Oikawa and Iwaizumi looked somberly at him and nodded.

**. . .**

That night after Oikawa and Iwaizumi had left, Akaashi snuggled into his bed. It was still far too early to go to bed, but it was so cozy he couldn’t resist. He needed to set his alarm for class tomorrow, but he’d still been avoiding his phone. The unread messages, missed calls, and voicemails sat there waiting still. Thinking about it made the anxiety raise up within him, but he tried to reason with himself.

_You’ve already talked to and taken care of everyone except Bokuto. Just read through all of the other ones and make sure there’s nothing else in them that can be taken care of easily. If you get overwhelmed, put the phone down and come back to it later. Simple._

Since his phone had been off, he didn’t have many notifications for missed calls. There were a couple from his mother, a few from Oikawa, a couple from a number he didn’t have saved, and a few from Bokuto.

_Okay. I expected those. That’s okay._

Moving on, he went to his voicemails. He decided to listen to them methodically by person. Oikawa had left several angry rants that Akaashi deleted immediately. Anything he had to say there had already been said to Akaashi’s face. His mother had left a couple of voicemails asking for him to call her back. He deleted those as well since he’d already talked to her. He deleted any from work. He’d already talked to them and hearing messages asking why he didn’t show up would just be unneeded stress.

The only other voicemails were from Bokuto and the unsaved number. Bokuto and Akaashi didn’t usually talk on the phone so it was a bit surreal to see voicemails from him. The first was a few days after their date. Akaashi took a deep breath and pressed play.

“Kaaashiii. I’m sorry if I crossed a line the other night. I haven’t heard from you in a few days and I’m kinda worried. You didn’t die in an avalanche of homework, did you?” The sound of dogs barking interrupted him. “I miss you Akaaashii. We can work things out if something’s wrong, but you’ve got to talk to me.”

Akaashi tried not to think too hard about Bokuto’s words or the sad sound he had in his voice. Instead he focused on the gist.

_Worried. Wants to talk._

He played the next message.

“Hey. Akaashi.” Bokuto’s voice sounded a bit dull. Like maybe he’d gotten some disappointing news. “I was just trying to check in on you since you haven’t responded to me. I haven’t seen you on campus either. Is something wrong? Please talk to me about it. If you don’t want to see me ever again that’s okay, just please let me know you’re okay. Please.”

_Still worried. No new information._

In-between that voicemail and Bokuto’s next voicemail was one of the ones from the number Akaashi didn’t know. Assuming it was junk, he decided to go ahead and listen to it. Listening to Bokuto’s voice was a bit painful.

“Yo, Akaashi. This is Kuroo. I stole your number out of Bo’s phone. We need to talk.”

Akaashi scrunched up his face out of habit. Kuroo was too into Bokuto’s business sometimes. More than that, he didn’t like the idea that Kuroo had his number. Plus, he had to add responding to Kuroo to his list now.

Reluctantly, Akaashi played the last voicemail from Bokuto. It was dated about a week and a half ago or just before Oikawa barged in. It turned out to be approximately thirty seconds of silence though, and Akaashi wasn’t sure if he needed to be relieved or worried about it.

_I’m going to mark that one as desperate._

The only voicemail left was from Kuroo. Akaashi rolled his eyes and pressed play.

“I was going to yell at you, but I’ve been doing some information gathering and I think I know what’s going on. When you pull yourself back together, you need to talk to Bokuto. The dude’s a mess. He doesn’t deserve your radio silence. Its fucked up.” There was a pause.  “Man.” Kuroo sighed. “If you don’t know how to talk to him, you can come to me. I know him better than I know myself.”

_Since when has he been this nice?_

Akaashi cocked his head in confusion.

_Information gathering? What, no who, does he know?_

Rather than dwell on his voicemails, he tried to focus on clearing them and his missed calls out. The only thing left was to read his texts. He took a deep breath and tried to appraise his current mood. How was his brain reacting to everything?

_Calm for now._

He switched over to his messaging app. There were almost 200 messages and 87 of them were from Bokuto alone. He decided to sort through them from smallest to largest. One from his father, two from his mother, Three from Yaku, fourteen from Kuroo, forty-five from Oikawa, and several scattered messages.

He flipped through the single scattered messages. Some were from now ex-coworkers that he just deleted. Others were classmates asking if he was okay or if he had notes for an assignment. Those had been pretty old and everything would have been past due by now. He’d just apologize and tell them he’d been ill for the last month and never saw them. The messages from his mother and father, who didn’t typically text, were just asking him to call them. Yaku had asked if he was okay a couple of times and reminded him that he was supposed to work soon. Kuroo’s started off as a series of threats, but became more desperate as they went on. The last one only said “Bro. I’m worried.”. Akaashi ignored it for the time being and moved to reading Oikawa’s messages, which were also mostly threats. He was about halfway through when he got a new message from Kuroo. Curious, he moved over to his message.

**[Kuroo]** : Ohohoho? I see you’ve risen from the land of the dead and FINALLY read my messages.

Akaashi rolled his eyes and went back to reading Oikawa’s messages. A new slew of texts came rolling in from Kuroo.

**[Kuroo]** : Oi! Don’t you ignore me! I can see that you read that!

**[Kuroo]** : I’ve been worried sick about you!

**[Kuroo]** : We all have…

**[Kuroo]** : Look. If you don’t want to talk to me, that’s fine. Just tell me you’re going to talk to Bokuto.

**[Kuroo]** : Man. I haven’t seen him get like this in a long time.

**[Kuroo]** : Dudes convinced himself that he’s done something terrible to you.

**[Kuroo]** : And I don’t know what to tell him. You disappeared for an entire fucking month.

**[Kuroo]** : Akaashi. Talk to me.

Akaashi could feel his face twitch with every message that came in. He wasn’t ready to deal with Kuroo yet and Kuroo wasn’t going to go easy on him. He moved back to reading through Oikawa’s messages. Kuroo kept sending messages.

**[Kuroo]** : I see I still have your attention.

Akaashi really needed to disable the read receipt on his messages.

**[Kuroo]** : So listen to me.

**[Kuroo]:** or read me. whatever

**[Kuroo]** : As much as I hate to admit that I know the guy, I talked to Oikawa.

**[Kuroo]** : Don’t tell him I told you that.

**[Kuroo]** : Anyway. He told me what been going on with you.

**[Kuroo]** : How it isn’t the first time you shut out the world.

**[Kuroo]** : And Bo’s told me about your last interaction.

**[Kuroo]** : I figure you like Bo. You have to. Guy’s straight up annoying, but you can handle him like a pro.

**[Kuroo]** : I’m guessing he freaked you out.

**[Kuroo]** : Bo’s an affectionate guy.

**[Kuroo]** : He loves everyone. Literally everyone. Cries if he kills a bug.

**[Kuroo]** : Hold funerals for the plants he kills.

**[Kuroo]** : But you and I both know that he’s in love with you.

**[Kuroo]** : Which I can’t figure out why, unless he’s just in it for your looks.

**[Kuroo]** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**[Kuroo]** : But for whatever reason, that freaked you out.

**[Kuroo]** : Instead of confronting it, you avoided it.

**[Kuroo]** : Like a champ, I might add.

**[Kuroo]** : But guess what?

**[Kuroo]** : Bo still loves you.

**[Kuroo]** : and if you don’t talk him soon I will kidnap you and force you to explain yourself.

**[Kuroo]** : ☆⌒ヽ(*'､^*)

**[Kuroo]** : So there’s no point in hiding anymore

There was a pause in the messages and Akaashi thought that was the end of them. He finished reading through Oikawa’s messages. Only Bokuto’s whopping 87 messages were left unread. He deliberated on reading them tonight so he could get a feel for what he needed to say to Bokuto. His thoughts were derailed by more messages from Kuroo.

**[Kuroo]** : OR

**[Kuroo]** : When you realized Bokuto loved you

**[Kuroo]** : you realized you were completely and utterly in LOVE-LOVE with me

**[Kuroo]** : I can’t say I blame you.

**[Kuroo]** : I’m a handsome cat

**[Kuroo]** : I don’t think I could say no to you in bed.

**[Kuroo]** : WE COULD HAVE A THREESOME! I BET BO WOULD BE DOWN IF YOU WANTED IT!

**[Kuroo]** : I’M GOING TO ASK HIM RIGHT NOW!!!

Akaashi was too disgusted to even think about a reply.

_I can’t believe I thought he was nice earlier._

He saw the typing icon pop up again and then stop.

_Did he really just ask Bokuto-san that?_

Akaashi could feel his eyebrows reaching into his hairline while he anticipated an answer. A few seconds later, the typing icon came back. This time the message went through.

**[Kuroo]** : This is Kenma. I’m talking away Kuroo’s phone privileges for the rest of the night. I managed to get his phone away from him before he could ask Bokuto about a threesome. I’m glad to see you’re still alive. Please talk to Bokuto when you feel you’re up to it.

Akaashi let out a deep breath in relief.

_Thank you Kenma._

He sat and considered typing a reply. Kenma was reasonable and would accept anything he told him. He’d also relay it to Kuroo and Akaashi wouldn’t have to deal with him. He decided to take advantage of this and reply.

**[Akaashi]** : Thank you, Kenma. I’m sorry for causing you to worry. I’m working on getting things taken care of that I’ve neglected in the past month. Please tell Kuroo that I will speak to Bokuto. I don’t know when. I haven’t even read his texts yet. But soon. And please don’t tell him that I spoke to you first.

A simple reply came back immediately. Kenma had agile fingers. Probably from all that gaming he did.

**[Kuroo]** : Got it. Kuroo is crying and says thank you. Good night, Akaashi.

Akaashi tried to shake the conversation from his head. He was glad it was over. It hadn’t been quite as painful as he’d anticipated, but was just as annoying. Kuroo probably wouldn’t bother him again after he talked to Bokuto. If he smoothed things over with him, then Kuroo would go back to his normal self. For better or worse.

He was exhausted from going through everything so far. The only thing left on his phone was to read Bokuto’s messages. He didn’t want to, but letting them sit there not read put more stress on him. The unread icon haunted him. He already knew what they would say. They’d be the same things everyone else had said.

He took a few slow controlled breaths, monitoring his stress and heart rate. He’d just come out of a dive. He wasn’t ready to go back in one. He wouldn’t survive another one so soon. He tried to reason with himself.

_You’re going to talk to Bokuto no matter what. If you read his messages, that means you’ll be one step closer. You’ll know roughly how the conversation will go. If he’s mad. If he never wants to see you again. Whatever. You can use them to help frame your apology._

The thoughts started dissipating as Akaashi came to a slow realization.

_Do I miss Bokuto? I’m planning how to patch things up, not just apologize and part._

Akaashi began ruminating over this. He’d never realized or admitted to himself that he missed Bokuto all this time. Or that he’d like to go back to how things were. The thought that he could be falling in love with Bokuto had never occurred to him.

Or how that would interfere with his plan to kill himself.

Frustrated, at these sudden realizations, he opted to ignore them and read Bokuto’s messages instead.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** You seemed a little mad when you left. I’m sorry. Was it because I was a little drunk?

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Good night, Akaashi. I’m sorry.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Good morning!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Do you want to get lunch today?

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Are you still mad at me?

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I’m sorry.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** [Image Attached]

Akaashi opened the picture. It was of Bokuto making a pouty face with one of the dogs.

_Cute_.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Aaaaakaaashiii!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:**   Are you okay? It’s been awhile.

Akaashi scrolled down some more. There were a few more messages along the same lines. A few pictures of dogs and flowers. A cute drawn picture of an owl with an “I Miss You” underneath it.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Do you not want to speak to me anymore?

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Do you hate me?

Akaashi could feel the pang in his stomach hit hard. He didn’t like reading those words.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Hinata told me he saw you today. Said you weren’t looking so great.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Are you okay? I can come take care of you.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Please respond.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Don’t die alone in your apartment!

_Figures Hinata would’ve told Bokuto._

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I’m worried about you.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I’m sorry if I hurt you somehow.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I would never hurt you intentionally.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I really like you and care about you.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I could see if you don’t like me very much. I know I’m loud and childish.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** But I thought maybe you didn’t care.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I’m sorry if you’ve been forcing yourself to spend time with me.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Or maybe you just didn’t like me being affectionate to you???

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Are you even gay Akaashi??

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** You did seem uncomfortable at first!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** OHMYGOD.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I HAVEN’T BEEN FORCING MYSELF ON YOU HAVE I???????

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** AKAASHI I’M SO SORRY!!!!!!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU COULD EVER FORGIVE ME

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Kuroo said I’m being ridiculous.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** But….

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt that way.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I’ll promise to never touch you again if you’ll just talk to me.

There were a few more messages with “I miss you” and “I’m sorry”. One photo of an Azalea that was in full bloom. Akaashi scrolled past them

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Would you hate me if I came to your apartment?

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** It’s almost been a month. I haven’t heard from you. I haven’t seen you on campus.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I’m worried.

Those were dated the same day Oikawa barged in.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I guess you’re not home.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I left flowers at your door.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I hope you’re okay.

There weren’t any more messaged that day. Oikawa must have talked to him when they ran into each other.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I talked to Oikawa and Iwaizumi a bit.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I’m glad to hear you’re alive.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** They didn’t tell me a whole lot. Just that you’ve been sick and they’re helping you now.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I wish you could’ve relied on me.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I’d help you with anything.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** When you’re up for it, I’d like to see you.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** You don’t have to, of course. I just feel like all this was my fault.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I really do care about you a lot. I want to work things out with you.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I want to eat meals with you and play volleyball with you.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I want to tell you more about myself and I want you to feel comfortable with opening up to me.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I just

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I just really like you. I have ever since we met.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Keiji, please.

Akaashi didn’t even realize he’d had tears streaming down his face. He hurt. His body hurt. He shook in-between tears and hiccups coming rapidly now between gasps for air. He held his arms and cradled himself into a ball. He was sobbing by this point.

He hated himself for hurting Bokuto.

**. . .**

Akaashi had ended up crying himself to sleep last night. Though the whole thing was painful, he was glad it was over. He could move forward now. But most importantly

_I want to see Bokuto._

Akaashi tried to pay attention in class. He needed to. He was immensely behind in his work and studies. He was lost. He couldn’t get his mind off Bokuto. He still hadn’t messaged him. By now, Bokuto had realized that Akaashi had read his messages. Akaashi still didn’t know what to say. He’d never been in a situation like this before. He didn’t know if he even had it in him to even type a message. He was weak.

His classes felt like an eternity to pass. He spent the whole time worrying and slowly scraping the skin of his cuticles away. He took the eternity that passed to think, but he came up with a plan.

He was going to tell the truth. Or most of it, at least. If Bokuto understood like he thought he would, things would work out. Somehow. If he didn’t then Akaashi wouldn’t have to worry about the future. It wouldn’t matter. Nothing would matter.

As soon as his last class got out, he set out for the park. He still hadn’t messaged Bokuto. He didn’t even know if Bokuto would be there. He just hoped.

At the park, he went directly for Bokuto’s garden. The area was deserted. The plants he’d watered yesterday perked up a little, but still looked in desperate need. He took the bucket and filled it with water. After he’d watered the plants, he sat on the bench near the garden. There still wasn’t a soul in sight, but that was okay. He pulled his notebook from his bag and took the time to write. He hadn’t done any writing in the last month, but doing it now soothed him and helped to distract from the anxiety budding inside him.

He didn’t know how long he’d been writing when he heard a bell jingling. A white fur ball wearing a red collar that had a bell came running up to him and begged for attention.

“Hatsuharu.” Akaashi breathed out.

He set his notebook down and Hatsuharu took that as an invite to stand on his hind legs and place his paws on Akaashi’s legs. Akaashi scratched behind his ears.

“Good boy.” He whispered.

He patted him a few more times before looking up in the direction he came from.

Bokuto stood there. The other three dogs looked confused and looked back and forth between each other. Bokuto’s eyes were wide. He had a blush across his face, but what stood at the most was that

_He looks frightened._

Akaashi met eyes with him for a moment and looked away hastily. He felt his heart leap into his throat and felt his blood rushing in his ears. His hands shook and he busied them by playing with Hatsuharu. Bokuto didn’t move. He was frozen and Akaashi was going to have to make the first move.

“Bokuto-san,” Akaashi began. Bokuto physically jumped at the sound of his voice. Akaashi pretended he didn’t notice and continued to play with Hatsuharu. “I thought you told me you were working on manners with Hatsuharu here. I don’t think jumping on people is very gentlemanly.” He tried to speak evenly and unafflicted, but he could hear his own voice shake. His pulse thumping fast and hard.

“Aa-.” Bokuto nearly whispered, still pale and unmoving. He cleared his throat and attempted to speak again. “I’m sorry. We are. He was just excited. He missed you.“ He trails off and before adding a softer, “I missed you.”

Akaashi lowered his head. He could feel tears begin to form. He hadn’t expected to cry so early on.

“I miss you too, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi spoke in nearly a whisper.

“Then why?” Bokuto broke out choppily. Akaashi looked over toward him. Bokuto had tears streaming down his face. He still hadn’t moved from his spot several meters away from him.

“I’m so-orry.” Akaashi choked out though a sob. Seeing Bokuto crying had ruined any hopes he’d had about not crying.

Bokuto still stood there as if he were in disbelief and bawling his eyes out. Akaashi slowly got up and walked toward Bokuto. Akaashi didn’t know if Bokuto even saw Akaashi until he was within inches of him. Bokuto flinched backward for a second as if he suddenly came to. Akaashi wrapped his arms around Bokuto’s torso and buried his head in his chest.

“I’m sorry, Bokuto-san. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Akaashi made out through tears and sobs.

Bokuto hesitated for a second, but he wrapped his arms around Akaashi and squeezed him tight.

“I missed you so much. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He blubbered in response.

Akaashi pulled back from Bokuto to look him in the eye. Bokuto gripped him tightly as if he feared Akaashi would run away. A reasonable gesture that Akaashi found reassuring.

“Bokuto-san.” He whispered. Bokuto still had that fearful look in his eye. Almost like a child who was being scolded and was trying to pretend the whole thing wasn’t happening. Someone who was first-hand witnessing a tragedy. Akaashi lifted one hand to Bokuto’s cheek to help calm him. Bokuto nuzzled into Akaashi’s touch and closed his eyes. “You never did anything wrong. You never offended me and you certainly never forced yourself on me in any way. I don’t think you ever could. I got your flowers. Thank you. They were beautiful. The sunflowers reminded me of you.”

Bokuto still had his eyes closed as he nuzzled Akaashi’s hand. He bit his lip as Akaashi spoke. When he opened his eyes, he started crying even harder than before. He squeezed Akaashi and picked him up. Akaashi used that as an opportunity to wrap his legs around Bokuto’s waist. Bokuto immediately shifted to support Akaashi by putting his arms under Akaashi’s butt and stared at him with wide eyes. His crying had been interrupted by his confusion. Akaashi had never been so close to him physically. This was new. Akaashi, taking advantage of Bokuto’s confusion yet again, leaned in and kissed Bokuto slowly and softly. Akaashi could feel the warmth spread through him. He still held Bokuto’s face with one hand. He brushed his thumb on his cheek as he tasted Bokuto’s lip and ran his tongue over his mouth. Bokuto’s sense came to him and he kissed back passionately. Akaashi could feel Bokuto’s hands squeezing unconsciously on his ass from where he held him. Feeling arousal mounting in himself, he broke apart the kiss before he got too lost in it. He pulled their foreheads together and smiled at Bokuto. Bokuto had stopped crying and had mostly lost the fearful look in his eyes.

Akaashi closed his eyes and tried to take in the comfortable feeling Bokuto gave him. “Will you come over tonight? I’d like to apologize and explain properly to you.” He breathed out.

Bokuto gave a little frightened noise causing Akaashi to open his eyes. Bokuto looked afraid again. His wide eyes searched Akaashi’s. Akaashi leaned in and kissed him softly again. He ran his hand through Bokuto’s hair.

“Don’t be afraid. I’m not planning to sabotage you with the police because you groped me in the park.” Akaashi monotoned and released his legs that were intertwined between Bokuto’s back, signaling for Bokuto to put him down.

“Or for being drunk in public?” Bokuto cautiously asked.

“Or for being drunk in public.” Akaashi confirmed. “I want to apologize to you. I shouldn’t have ignored you like that. I’d like to explain, but not in public.” He paused. “If I can manage to, that is” He added.

Bokuto brought him into an embrace and whispered in his ear, “Anything for you, Keiji”.

Akaashi could feel a full body blush spread over him. Bokuto was going to be the death of him.

“Th-thank you, Bokuto-san.” He stuttered. “I’ll pick us up some dinner and see you later.”

“Sounds wonderful, Keiji. I’ll bring dessert as a thank you gift.”

Akaashi tilted his head slightly. “Bokuto-san please don’t thank me for finally getting the courage to speak to you.”

Bokuto laughed a little and bent down to clip Hatsuharu back on his leash.

“It’s not for that. It’s for cleaning out the garden and buying the name cards and chime. Which I love, by the way.” He stood up and kissed Akaashi on the cheek.

Akaashi was certain he was as red as a cherry now.

“Yo-you knew?” he sputtered.

Bokuto rubbed the back of his head. “Well~. I may have happened to come by yesterday while you also happened to be here. You hadn’t said anything to me and you hadn’t even read any of my messages yet, so I thought I’d give you a little bit more space. At least until you were ready. I was just so happy to see you, I didn’t mind waiting longer.”

Akaashi shook his head in disbelief.

_The bell._

Bokuto gave a confused head tilt at Akaashi.

“Hatsuharu’s bell. I thought I heard it yesterday. I looked around, but no one was in sight.”

Bokuto chuckled. “We may or may not have been hiding in the bushes after that happened. I didn’t want to disturb you. Not yet.”

Hatsuharu whined and pawed at Bokuto’s leg. The dogs were starting to get restless.

Akaashi leaned in and kissed Bokuto on the lips once more.

“I’ll see you tonight.”

Bokuto gave a grand smile and nodded. “Tonight.”

**. . .**

Akaashi had almost finished cooking when he heard a knock at his door.

“Come in” he called.

 Bokuto peeked around the door apprehensively, as if he was unsure if it was okay to come in since Akaashi didn’t open the door. He stood waiting in the threshold with some flowers and a small bag.

“Good evening, Bokuto-san. You can come in. We won’t be going out tonight.” Akaashi greeted without looking up.

He could hear shuffling in the entryway and Bokuto walking toward him. Then a “geh!” and him receding slightly. The sudden movement caused Akaashi to look up from his cooking. Bokuto stood with his arms slightly spread out, eyes wide, mouth struggling to form words.

“You’re breaking up with me!” he shouted. Red rose in his cheeks and he continued rapidly in a voice that was surprisingly only slightly higher than normal. “Not that I think that we’re exclusive. We’ve gone on a lot of dates and I like you a lot and I would like to be boyfriends with you. I mean I consider you to be my boyfriend. I’m not seeing anyone else, but I don’t know how you feel about that. But I like you a lot. But you never invite me into your apartment and you’ve never cooked for me and after everything that happened in the last month and I just-“

Akaashi picked up a cooled piece of meat and shoved it into Bokuto’s mouth while he was talking.

“Bokuto-san I’m not breaking up with you nor am I excommunicating you. I just thought it would be nice to have dinner at home. It’d be.” Akaashi rolls the though around in his head, searching for how to speak it, “easier for me. Plus, Oikawa and Iwaizumi have my fridge packed with so much food that I’ll never be able to eat it all by myself.”

Akaashi paused for a moment, letting that last sentence sink in.

_Dammit. This was their plan._

An image of Oikawa smirking and giving the peace sign popped into his head. He would have to plan revenge later.

Bokuto chewed while he listened, seemingly calmer now.

“Aaaaakaashiii! That was amazing!” he shouted.

Akaashi couldn’t but help let out a lone laugh. “You’ll have to wait until dinner is done to get more”.

“Aaww, but Akaashiiii!” Bokuto whined. He set his things on the counter and hugged Akaashi from behind, resting his head on his shoulder and pouting his lower lip.

Akaashi leaned into his hug, but kept his eyes on the skillet underneath him. He moved a few things around before sighing and picking up another piece of meat with his chopsticks and directing it toward the second head he’d grown. Bokuto took it cheerfully and squeezed Akaashi in thanks or excitement. He kissed Akaashi on the cheek before breaking apart and going back to his things. He brought out a small shortcake and placed it in the fridge. Akaashi got down one of the vases Bokuto had last brought flowers in for Bokuto to use for his new flowers. This time it was a mix of pink carnations, that blue flower that Akaashi was unfamiliar with and a couple of small sunflowers.

“Bokuto-san, what is that blue flower? You’ve brought it before.” Akaashi inquired.

“Ah! These are called a bachelor’s button. They’re in season right now. It’s a symbol of purity of feelings and good fortune. And. It reminds me of you a bit.” He spoke as he filled the vase with water and placed the flowers in delicately.

Akaashi gazed at the electric blue flower. He didn’t see a resemblance at all. It was bright and beautiful, instantly engaging to the eye. While Akaashi knew people found him attractive, he considered himself to be more similar to a dead fish. Instead of disputing these facts, he asked Bokuto to place the flowers on his book case with the bouquet of sunflowers and lavender, which were now mostly dead and hadn’t been thrown away because Akaashi loved them so much.

“Aaakaaashiii” Bokuto groaned from the main area. He shuffled back to view in the kitchen with two pieces of paper in hand. “You never read the cards I left you?”

Akaashi stood stunned for a minute. He’d purposely avoided them for a while. When he’d thrown out the first set of flowers, he’d placed both them together on the table, but hadn’t looked in their direction since. He frowned before focusing on finishing dinner and placing food on plates. Unfortunately, dinner was done and ready to eat. There was nothing left for his hands to do. He stood there staring at the food trying to think of an answer, anything, to tell Bokuto. He chewed his lip, anxiousness building up inside of him.

Bokuto strolled over and hugged Akaashi from behind again. He pressed his lips to Akaashi’s ear and whispered, “Keiji”. The warmth of Bokuto’s breath paired with him uttering his given name sent shivers through his body. “I care about you a whole bunch. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t, or ever, read the cards. We can throw them away right now. I’m just happy to be able to be here with you”.

Akaashi could feel his eyes beginning to water.

_How is it that he’s so kind?_

Bokuto kissed Akaashi on the cheek and placed his head on his shoulder. He began to rock the two of them side to side in a little inverted slow dance. Akaashi turned to face Bokuto and slipped his arms around Bokuto’s neck. They swayed side to side for a few moments just enjoying the closeness and being together. Akaashi wished they could stay like that forever, but Bokuto’s stomach growled, creating a blush on Bokuto and a laugh from the two, indicating it would have to wait for later.

Dinner was mostly quiet. Each didn’t know quite what to say to each other yet. Akaashi focused intently on preparing what he would say to Bokuto after dinner. Bokuto chatted as best he could about things that’d happened in the last month, but as the meal went on he was running out of things to say and was visibly getting more anxious causing him to fidget and rock slightly. As a result, they ended up eating until they were too stuffed to want to move. They laid sprawled out on the floor unmoving for some time. If the air weren’t so heavy with anxiety, they might’ve fallen asleep.

“Hey, ‘kaashi.” Bokuto mumbled.

Still too full, Akaashi could only hum in response.

“You don’t hate me, do you?”

Akaashi turned to look at Bokuto. His face was drawn into a rare concentration that Akaashi had only seen when they’d played volleyball. Bokuto stared at the ceiling. Akaashi reached out and grasped Bokuto’s hand.

Lowly, he replied, “No. Never.”.

Silence rang through the air. Bokuto didn’t seem convinced, but he didn’t move to speak any more.

_I guess I can’t put this off any more._

Akaashi gave a sigh. He’d never told anyone what he was about to tell Bokuto. The only one who knew was Oikawa (and Iwaizumi by default) and he hadn’t told him. Oikawa was just equipped with some sixth sense that let him read into people’s beings. He didn’t know how to say. Or what to say. If there were words for it or if he was just weak. More than anything, he was scared. Scared Bokuto would treat him like a bird with a broken wing or that Bokuto would finally realize how messed up Akaashi was and wouldn’t want to be around him anymore.

“Sometimes. . .” he began in no more than a whisper. Bokuto squeezed his hand, but still stared at the ceiling. Akaashi was grateful and did the same. “I have these breakdowns. I guess. They started when I was a teenager. I would stress about everything, trying to be perfect, and then all of a sudden, I wouldn’t be able to do anything. I wouldn’t care about class or volleyball or my future. I just wanted to sleep. I wouldn’t talk to people for days. At the time, my parents just thought I was being a moody teenager. I’m an only child and neither of them had ever dealt with anything like that before. It only ever lasted a few days and my grades never dropped and my teachers and coach never seemed to notice so it was largely ignored. We all thought it would stop the older I got. I never complained either. I thought it was just a part of life.”

_Okay. Easy part done._

“It did get better for a time. The first year and a half or so of university seemed to go well. I was happy to be away from my parents. Not that I hate them or that they’re mean to me. They’re just. They’re every bit of a perfectionist as you’d expect. It’s where I get it from. Its stressful to be around them for long periods of time. I’m a shell of a person around them.” He laughed. “And you see how much personality I have normally, if that tells you anything.” He could see Bokuto make a soft sad smile from the corner of his eye.

“The longer I was in school, though, the more I started to revert back to my old moods. I began sleeping weekends away. I’d skip a day of class here and there for no reason. I’d wait until the last minute to do some assignments and then do them in a panic. My grades were still perfect and I’d moved out of dorms by that point already, so there was no one there to notice. Not that I portray much emotion anyway. I had a job. But-” he paused to collect his thoughts. He was getting to the hard part. All of it would be hard from here.

“On the outside, I looked like a model student and son. I was top of my department and seemingly preparing to take over my father’s business in a few years. On the inside I was nothing like that. I was dead. I didn’t want to get up in the morning, I stopped tasting food, and I didn’t care if I did well in class or not. Sometimes it’d be like that for days and then everything would be okay again. I’d get a burst of inspiration and scurry to finish all the overdue work. More often, I’d start and then wonder what the point was. I finished second year still at the top of my department, still functioning properly. Third year started like a breath of fresh air. Things were great for a while, but then it started back up again. It changed slightly. I found myself anxious all the time now. I worried that I was lying to people. I pretended to be this great student and son, but really, I was a faker. I started isolating myself more. I didn’t talk to people in class. I didn’t go out unless I had to.”

Tears were streaming down Akaashi’s face now. It hurt to remember. It hurt to vocalize the words to tell the story. He glanced over to Bokuto. Bokuto still stared at the ceiling. All traces of his earlier smile gone and replaced with a small frown. He must’ve saw Akaashi in his peripheral because he gave Akaashi’s hand a squeeze. The gesture spread a small wave of warmth through Akaashi.

“I focused solely on keeping up appearances. But at the same time, I ate less and less. I felt less and less. I-“ he choked on his own words. He moved to rub his eyes with his free arm. Tears were coming more freely now. He could hear Bokuto shift to look at him. Bokuto released Akaashi’s hand and propped himself up on his elbow partially hovering over Akaashi. He took the hand Akaashi was using to cover his eyes with his hand, interlacing his fingers with Akaashi’s and giving the hand a kiss before pulling it away from Akaashi’s face. Bokuto stared at Akaashi’s face searching for something. Akaashi hated it. He hated being so vulnerable. He hated letting anyone see him cry. He tried to stare icily back at Bokuto, but he could see where tears had been forming in the corner of Bokuto’s eyes.

_Of course Bokuto would cry._

Bokuto released Akaashi’s hand and positioned himself hovering over Akaashi with his hands to either side of Akaashi’s shoulders. Panic set in immediately.

_What is he trying to do? This is way too intimate. Is he going to force me into continuing? Or something else?_

Akaashi could feel his flight reflex kicking in. He wanted to push Bokuto off him and run. Before he could react, Bokuto leaned down and gave Akaashi Eskimo kisses and then resumed his position at his full arm length away.

In a hushed whisper that was way too quiet for Bokuto he asked, “You write, yeah?” and gave a soft smile.

Akaashi gave a quizzical look.

“You had a notebook you were writing in the first couple of times we met and just today at the park.”

Akaashi gave a little nod of agreement.

“Would it be easier to write it?”

Akaashi took a moment to think about it, but nodded slowly. Bokuto moved to let him up. Akaashi pulled his laptop from his bag and set it on the table. He looked nervously at Bokuto.

“I don’t know if I can watch you read it.”

“Hmm.” Bokuto hummed. “I can read it as you type it. Or you can send it to me to read later.”

Akaashi panicked at the thought of there being a manifestation of what he was telling Bokuto. He shook his head. “No copies. Now.”

Bokuto nodded and moved the table closer to the bed. He picked up the dishes and dropped them off to the sink. He sat against the bed, with a wide space between him and the table, and patted the place in front of him indicating for Akaashi to sit there.

Akaashi sat with the table and laptop in front of him and Bokuto behind him. Bokuto pulled him back to rest on his chest. Akaashi couldn’t help but to close his eyes. Bokuto was a comfort and he was trying to make this easy as possible and be supportive. Something soft welled up in his chest.

His eyes flickered open and he opened a blank document and began typing.

**. . .**

_Thank you._

_I’m. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make it through this or if it’ll make sense…_

_In my third year, I stopped wanting to exist. I probably would’ve if the anxiety would’ve let me. It what’s kept me going this long. And guilt. Every time I skipped class I couldn’t stop thinking about what my professors would say or what my parents would think. Of how I could feel that way when I had everything. There was nothing wrong with me. Still isn’t. I have everything I need._

_But mostly I felt empty_

_By the end of my third year I started letting things slip. I missed more and more. I still was at the top of the class, so no one mentioned it. I also had two years of being at the top to use as a crutch. Days left me feeling more cold and empty. I frequently felt like I was on the verge of tears and I wanted to scream. Just scream into the wind. Run away to the mountains somewhere and never have to deal with anyone again._

_Around that time not existing was a relief-filled thought. The thought occurred more and more. If I was hit by a bus, it’d be okay. Or if I came down with a heinous illness I’d just let it consume me. The more I thought about it, the more I thought about hurting myself. I tried it once._

Bokuto shifted, presumably to get a better look at Akaashi’s wrists. Akaashi typed furiously on.

_Not my wrists, Bokuto-san. It was only once. You don’t have to worry about that. It’s on my leg. Thigh to be precise. You can only see it if I’m naked. I still had enough sense to do it somewhere no one would ever see especially since. . . It’s very visible. I hate it._

Akaashi’s hands danced over the keyboard, unsure how or what to say next. Bokuto reached over and pointed to the especially since part.

_Well. . ._

_I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, but I don’t really like a whole lot of physical interaction._

Bokuto shifted slightly away from Akaashi suddenly, but Akaashi leaned back into him, restricting his movement.

_You’re fine, Bokuto-san._

_I honestly didn’t like how much physical affection you gave at first, but it’s grown on me. You’ve grown on me._

_But._

_This is the most physical interaction I’ve had in years. I . . . don’t. . . I’m not interested in sexual interaction._

Remembering who was nestled behind him, he quickly continued typing.

_Typically, at least. . ._

_I’ve experimented in high school with boys and girls some. Kissing, groping, blowjobs. My body responds, but my mind isn’t impressed. I could usually get off, but it left me feeling cold and empty. And, so, I’ve never had sex. Figured it just wasn’t for me. So, I cut myself where someone would never see. I figured with how isolated I was and with no interest in sex, the chances of it being seen were zero._

_I hated every second of it, though. I’ve never done it again and I’ve never wanted to._

_The cutting, that is. I don’t know about the sex part. But that’s a conversation for another time._

_Back to the point._

_Things didn’t get better after that. Third year came to a close and I still felt emptiness mixed with nothingness. Around that time, I began writing. It helps. Some. I still feel the immense pressure of everything. I think. . ._

Akaashi bit his lip. This is where he was going to start lying to Bokuto.

_I think that after I finish this year, it’ll get better. I won’t have to worry about school work and it’ll take a lot of pressure off. I can take some time off before I go to work for my father. I’ve always found work to be easier for me than school is. I just. . . I had a bit of a meltdown last month._

Akaashi paused again. He hadn’t really thought of what he was going to say to Bokuto. He wasn’t going to tell him the truth and he wanted to take the path that would cause Bokuto the least pain. He felt Bokuto give him a reassuring squeeze and kiss on the neck from behind and rub his hands on Akaashi’s upper arms.

_Last month. I just. . . Kind of. . . Broke?_

_I didn’t want to do anything. I couldn’t. I couldn’t speak to anyone. I couldn’t go anywhere. I couldn’t function. Nothing triggered it, it just happened and before I realized what was happening I’d been in bed for a couple of weeks and was starving. That’s when I had gone to the store and ran into Hinata. He mentioned you, and I just felt too guilty. I hadn’t looked at my phone the entire time. So I did all I could do and went back to bed. Eventually, Oikawa showed up and barged in, though._

_He doesn’t know any of this, but he guesses it. It’s a bit terrifying. Honestly, he and Iwaizumi are sometimes better parents than my parents could ever be._

_I felt so guilty from avoiding everything and everyone for so long that I didn’t know how, or if I even could approach anyone. Him and Iwaizumi helped push me (literally) in the right direction._

_So._

_I’m sorry for cutting you out. It had nothing to do with you or anything you did. My brain is just a bully and I can’t process information sometimes. I ran away. I’m sorry for causing you trouble._

Akaashi lifted his hands from the keyboard, unsure if he was finished or not. Silent tears were streaming down his cheeks. Bokuto squeezed him tightly and nuzzled his neck. They sat there for a long time like that. The longer they sat the more emotion welled up in Akaashi. His silent tears turned into sobs. He turned to hide his face in Bokuto’s chest. Bokuto held him tight and rubbed his back, silent tears running down his own face.

When Akaashi calmed down, he gave Bokuto a soft smile and went to go wash his face off. He came back with the cake Bokuto had brought. He brought up some movie on his laptop that he thought Bokuto might like and they watched the movie in silence.

Akaashi ended up drifting off to sleep, which in retrospect, he should’ve seen coming. It’d been an exhausting day.

He woke up to Bokuto lifting him off the floor and placing him on the bed. Akaashi’s eyes flittered open in confusion. Bokuto was still leaning over him with a soft smile on his face.

“Hey” he breathed. “You fell asleep. I’m gonna turn off the lights and go now.” He leaned down to kiss Akaashi on the lips. “Good night, Keiji. Thank you for everything tonight. I’ll text you tomorrow”. He straightened up to walk away.

Akaashi caught his hand before he was out of reach.

“Mmmm. Stay.” He muttered groggily. He moved to look up at Bokuto who stood there in thought and biting his lip. Akaashi vaguely feared he’d say no. He had no right to ask him to stay after all that.

“Are you sure, Keiji?” Bokuto whispered.

Akaashi squeezed his hand and pulled it back toward the bed. “Please.” he managed to strangle out.

After a moment, Bokuto replied, “Alright. I’ll turn off the lights. Why don’t you change?”

Akaashi closed his eyes back and hummed in response. While Bokuto went to turn off all the light, Akaashi kicked off his pants and pulled off his shirt. He didn’t think Bokuto would mind. He got under the blankets and snuggled against the wall, already beginning to drift back into sleep.

Moments later, the apartment was dark and he felt Bokuto slip under the covers behind him. Bokuto wrapped one arm around Akaashi’s waist and snuggled against him. Akaashi could feel Bokuto’s shirtless chest pressing against his bare back. He let out a little satisfied groan.

“Good night, Keiji.” he whispered in Akaashi’s ear.

“Good night, Koutarou.” Akaashi mumbled falling asleep immediately after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bokuto may or may not be letting that dog loose. Who knows? I know. He is. Dammit. He is.
> 
> Akaashi also might be the death of Bokuto. Probably.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A > indicates sex is about to happen and a < indicates its over, for those of you who don't want that. There are four different incidences.

> 

Akaashi awoke with Bokuto snoring not so quietly behind him. Bokuto’s leg was draped over Akaashi’s body and had him pressed against Bokuto’s lower half, his erection rubbing against Akaashi’s butt.

_It’s big._

Bokuto moved slightly and Akaashi could feel the fullness of Bokuto’s member rubbing against his butt. Akaashi’s own erection was straining to stay in his boxers. Before he could even worry about exposing himself, Bokuto’s arm was wrapping around him and pulling him closer.

“Mmm. Pizza no anchovies. Nnnammm.” He muttered and groaned in his sleep.

Akaashi suppressed a chuckle. It was no surprise Bokuto talked in his sleep. He rarely stopped talking when he was awake. But now he was crushing Akaashi now under half his weight. Akaashi twisted around to face Bokuto so he could give him a rude awakening. He didn’t consider the consequences.

As he flailed around to face Bokuto, his cock rubbed against Bokuto’s. A shudder ran through his member and through his entire body. He couldn’t stop the soft gasp that came from his mouth.  He froze, his eyes darting to Bokuto’s face, analyzing if he needed to run away or not and trying to recollect if his passport was still valid. Bokuto continued his snoring, now mumbling something about shoving an entire donut in his mouth. Akaashi also couldn’t help the snort he emitted in response to Bokuto’s sleep talk.

_I bet the first thing he says when he wakes up is he’s hungry._

With immediate danger out of the way, Akaashi allowed himself to look at Bokuto. His face was soft when he slept, but no less friendly than when he was up. His hair was messy and his nose ring was pressing weirdly into the pillow where he had his head smashed into. He’d also abandoned his shirt to sleep, exposing his well-defined pecks complete with one nipple ring in his right nipple and perfect abs. Seeing Bokuto shirtless for the first time, Akaashi wished that Bokuto would abandon his shirt always. He knew Bokuto was buff, but seeing it was something else.

_He’s been chiseled by a god and I want to eat off of him._

Akaashi felt his hips move forward mechanically, causing the tip of his cock to run up against Bokuto’s again. A strangled moan emitted from his throat. His eyes darted back up to Bokuto, who still seemed to be in dreamland.

_Damn. This bitch is out._

“Hmm.” Akaashi purred. He had an idea. A mean idea. He slipped his cold hand upward and pinched Bokuto’s nipple. Bokuto shifted slightly causing his cock to rub against Akaashi’s again, but he still slumbered on.

The third cock rub was Akaashi’s breaking point. He could feel his own cock sliding back against Bokuto’s and soft moans coming from his mouth. Lost in sensation, he thrust his cock against Bokuto a few more times before Bokuto pulls him in closer. He’s paralyzed with fear and shame, but Bokuto doesn’t say anything. He just pulls him close and Akaashi buries his face in his neck. Bokuto’s hand that had previously been draped around Akaashi’s back ran softly up his spine and into his hair, giving Akaashi a small scalp massage and reassuring him, but not trying to pry Akaashi from his hiding spot.

Bokuto’s other hand snaked down between their bodies. He trailed across Akaashi’s stomach and down to the waistband of his boxers, halting momentarily waiting to see if there was resistance.

Akaashi couldn’t help the small snort he made. He’d just been rutting against Bokuto, but somehow Bokuto was still asking permission to touch him.

Hearing Akaashi’s snort, Bokuto’s hand dived into his underwear and grasped his cock. Akaashi let out a soft moan against Bokuto’s neck and instinctively moved his hips toward Bokuto. Bokuto pumped him with one hand while the other slid down Akaashi’s body and toward his hips. Bokuto pulled off Akaashi’s boxers, followed by his own. He scooted in closer to Akaashi and pressed their dicks together, wrapping his hand around both and stroking.

Akaashi really couldn’t help the moan that escaped him now. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d let anyone touch him. Or the last time it’d felt so _good_. He didn’t think about what he was doing. He didn’t think about how he’d never been this comfortable with anyone else. He just rocked his hips into Bokuto’s hand. Bokuto shifted slightly and began roughly kissing Akaashi’s neck.

Akaashi moaned louder. “Bokuto-san” he huffed into Bokuto’s neck earning him a nip on his collar bone. He bit back causing Bokuto to grunt. Hearing Bokuto made noises unleashed something almost animalistic within Akaashi. He wrapped his hand in Bokuto’s hair and tugged at his ear with his teeth. His tongue danced over Bokuto’s earlobes and down his neck, mixing between kisses, licks and bites. His hand glided over Bokuto’s back and he ran his nails down it, gripping Bokuto even tighter. Bokuto’s own hips were moving back and forth now, adding to the sensation. Akaashi could feel Bokuto getting harder as he neared orgasm. Their members slid across each other wet with precum. Akaashi could feel himself getting close to the edge. A deep whine from Bokuto pushed him there.

“Bokuto-san I’m going to-“ he moaned, cumming into Bokuto’s hand.

Hearing and feeling Akaashi writhe in pleasure Bokuto moans “Keiji” and cums over his hand and Akaashi’s cock.

< 

The two lay there, breathing heavily in the afterglow. It isn’t until then when real panic hits Akaashi.

_I can’t believe I just did that. I told him all that stuff last night. Then I fucked his hand after pretending he didn’t exist for a month._

_What. The. Fuck._

Akaashi laid there with a paralyzing dread taking over him. He was slowly seeping into the abyss. A cold chill took over him followed by the urge to run, literally run, away.

_I should have at least six more years until my passport expires. I have enough money to get me out of Tokyo until I can find a cheap enough plane ticket to get me across the world. Is Antarctica habitable?_

Bokuto’s clean hand drifted back up and cupped Akaashi’s face. He pulled back so he could finally see Akaashi that morning. Bokuto gazed at Akaashi’s fear-stricken face. Bokuto’s eyes were half-lidded, still heavy with sleep, and he had a soft satisfied smile on his face. He leaned forward and kissed Akaashi softly on the mouth.

“Good morning, Keiji.” He murmured before pulling Akaashi back in close and squeezing him. “How do waffles sound for breakfast?”

Akaashi snorted and burst out into laughter. “Wh-. What?” he mustered.

Bokuto pulled back away from him with a pout on his face. “I’m hungry, Keiji” he whined.

Akaashi covered his mouth with his hand and chuckled.

_Sex then food. Not surprising._

“Alright, Bokuto-san. Get dressed and we’ll get waffles.”

Bokuto’s face lit back up in joy and he made a sound resembling a “yeeeee”. He kissed Akaashi’s nose quickly and jumped out of bed, humming a tune to himself and dancing around.

Akaashi watched him for a moment fondly before following suit.

Dressed and starving, the two headed out the door. It was still early, only just past 6, and they still had plenty of time until Akaashi had to go to class and Bokuto had to go to wherever he needed to be. Work, presumably.

They settled on a chain breakfast diner that was only a few blocks away. It was an old diner, but it was deserted and Akaashi thought that was worth more than any sort of new remodeling they could ever provide. An older woman with a bit of a Kansai dialect took their orders. Akaashi, as usual, didn’t order much food, but Bokuto seemed to order food for three people.

Approximately two coffees, three orange juices, seven strips of bacon, four eggs, two miso soups, fish, two servings of rice, three waffles, and numerous giggles later they finished breakfast. Akaashi was beyond stuffed, but not because he’d chose to be. He’d enjoyed breakfast but he hadn’t been very hungry. He’d been peer pressured into eating. Bokuto had insisted, and pushed, that Akaashi eat more and more. Hence, why Bokuto had ordered entirely too much food.

“You’re too skinny!” he cried. “I don’t want to accidently break you!” he added as he shoved more food on Akaashi’s plate and then more into his own mouth.

_I regret letting you see me naked._

Akaashi glared at him, not willing to say what he really thought aloud. Bokuto just shrugged and continued eating his breakfast.

When the waitress came with the check, Bokuto snatched it up before she could even put it on the table. Akaashi scowled at him again.

“You’re not paying for all of this” Akaashi grumbled.

“Oh, but I am. I did order the majority of it after all.” He gave a little “tee-hee” and grinned.

Akaashi’s glare returned and had to hold back the urge to actually growl at Bokuto. “You sure are demanding this morning.”

“Yup!” Bokuto hummed.

Akaashi leaned forward to grab the ticket from Bokuto’s hand, but he leaned just out of Akaashi’s grasp.

“Fine.” Akaashi groaned and rolled his eyes.

Bokuto did a little victory dance in his seat and blew a kiss to Akaashi, who rolled his eyes at him in return.

After they finished at the diner, they separated ways. Bokuto hadn’t anticipated staying over and he needed to get ready for work. Akaashi realized that he still didn’t know what Bokuto did, but figured that if Bokuto wanted him to know, he’d already know more about it than he cared to. He assumed that Bokuto had a job that he hated or was embarrassed of so he didn’t press it.

Akaashi headed to his own apartment. It was only 7:32 and he didn’t have class until nine. Out of habit, he dove onto his bed and lay there in contemplation. Only hours ago, he and Bokuto had been sleeping on the bed together. He’d never slept with someone in bed like that. Never slept with someone in such an intimate and exposed manner either.

Nor had he ever bared as much of his emotional problems with anyone before.

He felt better after sharing with Bokuto. For the most part, at least. Part of him still feared rejection or retaliation. An unsettling fear that something, though he didn’t know what, would go wrong. He worked to attempt to sort out the swirl of thoughts in his head.

_You told Bokuto about your depressive episodes. He didn’t freak. He’s treating you a bit like you’re fragile, but I think it’s mostly him trying to reassure me right now. He’s usually always delicate with me. He seems okay with it. He seems okay with the whole last month. Okay as he can be with it, I guess. And then we-._

Akaashi paused for a moment. He bit his lip and trembled while he remembered.

_Bokuto jerked me off. My dick was against his. I fucked his hand and moaned in front of him. Loudly.  And I. I came in front of him but. I didn’t hate it. I don’t think._

Akaashi could feel his cock twitch at remembering their escapade this morning.

_Okay. Be honest. I liked it. I would do it again. Maybe even. More? And Bokuto seemed to enjoy it as well._

_Maybe it was a good thing? Maybe it was okay that happened?_

**. . .**

Akaashi’s classes passed without much ardor. He was still very clearly and very painfully behind in his studies and still readjusting to being back in class after so long, but he took it in strides. He felt like another one of the restrictive casts had come off and he was able to do things again without having to struggle as much. When lectures hit a lull, Akaashi would find himself thinking about Bokuto. Images of his smile bringing a soft smile to Akaashi’s own face. He longed to be in Bokuto’s arms again.

_Wait. Longed?_

Akaashi shook the idea from his head. Longing was an emotion. He didn’t have emotions for other people. He couldn’t.

_But still._

He scrunched up his nose and attempted to pay attention to the professor who was droning on about taxes. Taxes weren’t even relevant to this class. Akaashi twirled his pen in his hand.

_Wait a second._

He twirled the pen again.

_I can admit that I like Bokuto. He’s very likable. Like a puppy._

The pen twirled.

_But it seems like._

Pen twirl.

_That I want to._

Twirl.

_Be Bokuto’s boyfriend?_

The pen shot out of Akaashi’s hand and smacked into the wall. The professor and several of the students turned to look in his direction. Akaashi grimaced and stared forward pretending nothing had happened while ignoring the rapidly spreading blush across his face. He hoped they’d assume he was blushing from disturbing class, not because he just had a revelation.

“Sorry” he mumbled too quietly for anyone to hear and dove to grab his pen off the floor. His professor droned on and Akaashi firmly set his pen down on the desk.

_Boyfriend though?_

A warmth spread over Akaashi thinking about it.

_Apparently so._

_Bokuto had mentioned something about being boyfriends last night too._

He let himself daydream in the thought for a moment. His brain, being the bully that it was, didn’t allow his happiness to permeate too long.

_You didn’t want to get involved with Bokuto because he interferes with the plan, remember?_

Akaashi could feel his smile slide off of his face. A sinking feeling settled in. He almost didn’t care about the plan anymore. He wanted to enjoy what he had.

_The plan is on hiatus. I want to enjoy time with Bokuto as long as he’s willing to have me around._

Akaashi gave a little half nod to no one but himself. He was conflicted with this decision. He knew the plan wasn’t cancelled. That was okay. To be expected, even. He was elated to allowing himself to freely accept Bokuto’s advances. His heart sank when he remembered the last bit. While it lasts. He almost hoped Bokuto would never tire of him.

He shook his head slightly.

_Doesn’t matter. I will enjoy it while it lasts anyway._

**. . .**

After class let out, Akaashi started walking home. He pulled out his phone to several new messages from Bokuto and Kuroo. Ignoring Kuroo’s, Akaashi immediately opened Bokuto’s messages.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Aaaakaaashiiii!!!!!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I MISS YOU!!!!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I need to refill my Akaashi tank! It’s all empty after not seeing you for so long!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Just last night isn’t going to cut it

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** So I’m proposing………

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** A MOVIE MARATHON DATE NIGHT!!!!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** please??

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** think about it. You don’t have to go anywhere OR wear pants!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I can bring over food and everything

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I’ll even let you pick the movie!!!

Akaashi chuckled.

_Every day is wild with Bokuto._

**[Akaashi]:** Sure. But don’t bring food. I have an entire fridge full.

**[Akaashi]:** And I will leave the movie up to you.

A reply came back immediately.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Star Wars

**[Akaashi]:** That’s fine. I’ve never seen them.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:**???????!???!?!?!?!?/.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** What do you mean you’ve never seen Star Wars?

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Everyone’s seen Star Wars.

**[Akaashi]:** Not me.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:**??????!??!?!?!?

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I don’t believe you

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I have to ask Kuroo if this is scientifically possible

Akaashi shook his head and kept walking. If Kuroo was about to barrage him with texts, he might as well read the ones he already has.

**[Kuroo]:** Thank you.

**[Kuroo]:** I know it was hard to talk to Bokuto when you had my sexy body on your mind

**[Kuroo]:** Still think he’d be down for a threesome

**[Kuroo]:** But man, talk to someone next time. Don’t let it get that bad.

There was a time lapse between those and the next string of texts he’d sent earlier.

**[Kuroo]:** So… I heard Bokuto stayed over. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**[Kuroo]:** Tell me the deets

**[Kuroo]:** was it good?

**[Kuroo]:** please tell me you did hit that

**[Kuroo]:** Bo may be my bro, but I will be very upset with you if you didn’t even try to hit that.

**[Kuroo]:** He’s daft. You just kinda have to go for it.

Akaashi wasn’t sure his eyebrows could contort anymore.

_This conversation he’s having with himself is going in strange places._

He tried to shake it off, but it left a strange taste in his mouth.

Not ten seconds later, he got a new slew of messages.

**[Kuroo]:** WTF YOU MEAN U HAVEN’T SEEN STAR WARS???

**[Kuroo]:** Everyone’s seen Star Wars?

**[Kuroo]:** You don’t have to lie to get Bo to come over.

**[Kuroo]:** He already likes you

**[Kuroo]:** OR you can come watch Star Wars with me

**[Kuroo]:** You can sit in my lap the entire time

**[Kuroo]:** by the end you’ll still be able to say you haven’t seen Star Wars

**[Kuroo]:** Then you two can still share the first time joy of experiencing it together

**[Kuroo]:** Though…

**[Kuroo]:** Idk if Bo would be comforted by you remembering my dick the entire time

_Yuck_.

**[Akaashi]:** 1) Whether or not I “hit that” is of no concern of yours

**[Akaashi]:** 2) No, I haven’t seen Star Wars

**[Akaashi]:** 3) In what world do you think I would want to sit on your lap or do anything remotely sexual with you?

**[Kuroo]:** Ouch

**[Kuroo]:** Glad to see you’re back

**[Kuroo]:** I’ll try to calm down Bo so you don’t have a bouncing idiot owl to deal with tonight

**[Kuroo]:** And really. Thank you for talking to Bo again.

Akaashi let out an exasperated sound and pulled his eyes from his phone.

_I have no clue what Kuroo is thinking. He goes back and forth to extremes._

Another message came through and he redirected his attention.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Your apartment after I finish walking the dogs?

**[Akaashi]:** Sure. See you then.

**. . .**

Bokuto arrived shortly before six, freshly showered and clad in a loose t-shirt featuring a Piranha Plant from Mario and a pair of gym shorts.

“I see you were serious about the no pants thing” Akaashi mused, letting Bokuto in.

“I still have pants on! It’s not like I’m running around naked!” he paused and sternly looked Akaashi in the eye before adding “yet” and then burst out in laughter. Bokuto removed his shoes before bending down so his head was on Akaashi’s chest and latching on to Akaashi encompassing him in a tight hug, not even giving Akaashi the chance to hug back. He nuzzled his face on Akaashi and muttered “Mmm. I could hug Keiji allll day.”

_Please do._

“You could, Bokuto-san, but our food is getting cold.”

Bokuto shot up and shouted “Food?”.

Controlling his face so he wouldn’t laugh Akaashi responded, “Yes, Bokuto-san, food. I did say that I had food here.”

“I do recall there being talk of food.” Bokuto mused. “But there’s no way I’d be so blessed to have food you’ve made two nights in a row, is there?” He quirked one eyebrow up and poorly tried to restrain a smile.

“Hmm.” Akaashi tapped his chin with his finger. “Hmm. No. You’re right. I can’t be that nice to you. I’ll call for some shitty delivery.” He turned his heel and made like he was walking to his phone.

Bokuto grabbed Akaashi around the middle, stopping him, and wailed, “Nooooo!”

Akaashi turned halfway in Bokuto’s embrace and ruffled his hair a little. He couldn’t hide the soft smile on his face as a result of Bokuto’s ridiculous antics. “Well,” be began, “Since I already cooked it, it would be a waste to not eat it. Come on.” He took Bokuto’s hand and lead him to the main room where he already had food sitting out on the table.

“Akaashi, did you make barbecued meat?” Bokuto’s mouth hung open and he gaped at Akaashi.

“Sort of. I don’t have a way to actually make it on the grill, but meat seasoned the same way and baked. I thought you might like it.”

Bokuto grabbed Akaashi’s face with both of his hands and kissed him. “Keiji, you’re amazing” he shouted. “Barbecued meat is my favorite.”

_Noted_.

The two sat down to eat. Bokuto bounced in excitement and immediately reached for a piece of meat to eat. He comped on it happily, staring at Akaashi with amazement the entire time. He looked like he might cry and Akaashi raised an eyebrow in concern.

_Is it that bad?_

But before Akaashi could vocalize his concerns, Bokuto shoved more meat in his mouth. Akaashi rolled his eyes and continued his own meal in a calm and unexcited manner.

After dinner, and Bokuto eating all the meat, Akaashi grabbed his laptop so they could watch Star Wars. Bokuto put his flash drive in and clicked on the one marked Star Wars IV.

Akaashi politely tried to correct his error, “Bokuto-san, that was number four. I haven’t seen the first three yet”.

Bokuto grinned and let out a laugh. “Oh, Keiji, Keiji, Keiji. If we started with the first one, I’d never get you to watch any of the others. They’re meant to be watched this way.”

Akaashi gave him a puzzled look.

“Trust me, Keiji.”

“You liked the Dragonball movie.”

Bokuto shrieked in defiance “That’s different, okay? I like that one because it was bad! These are good! Well,” his voice dropped to an unintelligible mumble. Akaashi wasn’t sure, but it sounded suspiciously like except for the first and second. “Besides,” he continued matter-of-factly, waving one hand in the air “if these weren’t good they wouldn’t have been able to make so many or have so many fans.”

“Explain Transformers then.”

Bokuto crossed his arms and nodded as he spoke. “The forgotten generation can’t let their 80’s cartoons go and America lives on explosions and half-naked women running slowly. It’s science, Keiji. Science!”

“It’s stupid.” Akaashi huffed.

“Agreed. But this is infinitely better. You’re going to love it.” Bokuto sat beside Akaashi on the bed and put his arm around Akaashi’s shoulder. Akaashi let himself lean into Bokuto’s side and pressed play.

Originally Akaashi thought he was going to fall asleep during this movie. He’d never really be one much for movies.

He was so wrong.

His eyes darted back and forth over the screen, mesmerized by the action. He held his breath and huffed. His eyes stayed glued to the screen the entire time, not once leaving to check his phone or to do some other distracting task he normally did while watching TV or movies. The end credits hit and all he could think was

_Wow._

He looked over to Bokuto with a wide eyed and in-awe look on his face. Bokuto grinned and chuckled.

“Next one tomorrow then?”

“Can we do the next one now?”

“Nope!” Bokuto cheerfully replied.

Akaashi pouted at him, slightly annoyed by being told no.

“You have class tomorrow and I’m not going to keep you from your beauty sleep. I know a tired Akaashi is a grumpy Akaashi.” He reasoned.

Akaashi pouted some more and turned off the laptop. Bokuto leaned in and kissed him once softly on the lips. Akaashi leaned into the kiss, his pout disappearing instantly. Bokuto pulled away and Akaashi stayed in place with his eyes still shut. Bokuto ran a hand through the side of Akaashi’s hair.

“It’s getting pretty late. I should probably leave soon.”

Akaashi frowned, but didn’t say anything. He felt Bokuto lean forward and give him a peck on the lips again. Akaashi’s eyes fluttered open. Bokuto was staring at him with a soft almost remorseful smile on his face.

_He doesn’t want to leave._

Akaashi laid his hand over Bokuto’s and stroked his thumb across it. He peered at Bokuto searching for a course of action.

_I don’t want him to leave._

He bit his lip.

_I can’t say that to him._

Bokuto watched Akaashi silently. He interlaced his fingers with Akaashi’s and offered a smile. Akaashi opened his mouth to speak, but words failed him. Guilt and fear flooded through him. He closed his mouth and hung his head. Bokuto pulled him closer, resting the crown of Akaashi’s head against his chest.

“What is it, Keiji?” he inquired. He rubbed Akaashi’s back softly. Akaashi felt like he was going to melt under Bokuto’s touch and shivered.

“Don’t.” he managed to get out. Bokuto’s hand stopped rubbing his back and moved away.

“Not that.”

“Oh.” Bokuto’s hand went back to rubbing Akaashi’s back.

Akaashi squeezed his eyes shut and whispered, “Stay”.

Bokuto’s hand paused and Akaashi could feel Bokuto’s stare. He feared that Bokuto didn’t hear him and that he’d have to repeat himself. A moment passed and Bokuto resumed rubbing Akaashi’s back.

In a measured voice, Bokuto asked “You sure?”.

Akaashi nodded into Bokuto’s chest.

Bokuto giggled and Akaashi looked up at him annoyed. Bokuto kissed him and giggled again.

“Keeeii-ji!” he hummed “Did you really think I would say no to that?”

“But you-“ Akaashi started, but was cut off by Bokuto kissing him again.

“But this way I get to spend tonight with you and then tomorrow I get to watch the next Star Wars with you.” Bokuto replied matter-of-factly. His grin spread across the entirety of his face.

“Bokuto-san, I could be wrong, but are you actually smart?”

Bokuto’s face fell and a whine emitted from him. “Keiji’s so mean to me” he whined. His lower lip jut out and he fake sniffled.

Akaashi smiled at the display and took the opportunity to gently bite Bokuto’s lower lip. The bite turned into a delicate series of kisses that left Akaashi yearning for more. He briefly wondered what kind of lover Bokuto would be like. He was always gentle in how he handled Akaashi, but loud and boisterous in almost every other area of his life.

Akaashi broke apart from the kiss, Bokuto following him partially.

“I’m going to change and turn out the lights. Do you need anything?”

Bokuto shook his head. “Nope!” he chimed.

Akaashi grabbed a pair of sleep shorts and went to the bathroom to change. After, he made sure all of dinner was put up and turned out the lights. He slid into bed next to Bokuto and faced him. Bokuto pulled Akaashi in a tight hug so that their bodies were flush with one another. Akaashi could feel the warmth from Bokuto’s shirtless chest and the cold of his one nipple ring.

“Bokuto-san, may I ask a question?”

“Sure!” Bokuto chimed and pulled away from Akaashi a bit so he could see his face. In exchange for the breathing space, he entangled their legs instead.

Pretending that Bokuto wasn’t making it hard to concentrate, Akaashi pressed on. “Why do you only have one nipple ring? Don’t most people get both done?”

Bokuto rubbed his hand on his face and groaned. “I’ll tell you why Akaashi. It’s cause it fucking hurt.”

Akaashi snorted. “You didn’t think a needle going through your nipple was going to hurt?”

“Not as much as it did! I had my nose and ears done before my nipple. Getting my nipples pierced was Kuroo’s idea anyway.”

_A terrible idea? Of course it was._

“We both went in to get them together, right? We did rock, paper, scissors to see who went first. I won. Kuroo goes first and he doesn’t even flinch. Looks bored during it. Is hitting on the guy doing it the entire time. Might even pop a boner over it. Shit. I don’t know. I sit down to get mine done then. The guy shoves the needle through my nipple and I lose it. Shit hurt. Kuroo’s over there laughing his fucking ass off and I’m crying. Literally crying in this shop. I backed out of getting the second one.”

Akaashi bit his cheeks to try to suppress his laughter, but he couldn’t contain it. He chuckled at Bokuto’s story and at how Bokuto was huffy over remembering it.

“What about you Keiji? Did you ever want anything pierced?” Bokuto pouted.

Akaashi let out a couple more laughs before thinking silently. “Well,” he began, “I like gauges. They look good on everyone but my parents would die.”

Bokuto snorted. “If you like them, you should get them. You’d look cute.”

“That may be so Bokuto-san, but I’m going into business and no respectable Japanese businessman has gauges. They’re not usually allowed.”

Bokuto grumbled and reached out to rub one of Akaashi’s earlobes. “Just gauges or was there something else?”

“Well…”

“Hmm, Keiji?”

“I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a Prince Albert.”

Bokuto let go of Akaashi’s ear and his mouth dropped open.

“Bokuto-san, please.”

“Keiji you want your dick pierced?” Bokuto all but shouted.

_And now my neighbors know that._

Akaashi shrugged. “I was curious. It’s supposed to be an interesting feeling. Plus, it’s not like I’d have to worry about others seeing it.”

Bokuto hummed and nodded his head. “If you want it you should get it.”

Akaashi scrunched up his face. “But it’s going to hurt.”

“Totally worth it.”

“Is that so, Mr. one nipple ring?” Akaashi teased and pinched Bokuto’s pierced nipple.

Bokuto caught Akaashi’s hand and held it against his chest for a minute before bringing it up to his mouth and kissing it a couple of times. He smirked at Akaashi and then began kissing up his arm making loud “muah” sounds as he went. His mouth made its way up Akaashi’s arm, up his neck, over his ear, and to his lips, causing Akaashi to giggle at his stupidity. He pulled Akaashi back in close to him and kissed him deeply. Akaashi kissed him back passionately, his barriers already broken down by Bokuto’s foolishness.

When they broke apart, Bokuto replied in a matter-of-fact voice with “Yes, that is right”.

Akaashi rolled his eyes and pulled Bokuto back in close to give him a single kiss on the lips.

“Hey, ‘kashi?” Bokuto mumbled.

Caught up in the comfort given by Bokuto, Akaashi lazily replied, “Mmm?”.

“About this morning-.”

Akaashi’s body went rigid. His eyes widened and he stared at Bokuto with fear. Bokuto noticed Akaashi flinch and rubbed Akaashi’s hand.

“You’d said you didn’t really like sexual type stuff, but this morning I kinda.” he trailed off.

Akaashi pulled the covers over his head and buried his head against Bokuto’s chest, locking himself in a fortress where Bokuto couldn’t see how embarrassed he was. Bokuto chuckled, causing the blush on Akaashi’s hidden face to deepen, and rubbed Akaashi’s back over the covers.

“You’re not mad, are you?”

_Mad? Isn’t he the one that should be mad?_

Akaashi reverently shook his head.

“I didn’t cross a line then? Cause I-“

Akaashi shook his head again.

Bokuto spoke with a more sultry voice this time, “So you liked it then?”

Akaashi bit Bokuto’s chest from under the covers.

“Ow.” He laughed. “I’m taking that as a yes!”

Akaashi didn’t move to contradict him. He focused on the soothing rhythm of Bokuto’s hand going up and down his back. They laid there in silence for a few minutes.

“Hey, ‘kashi? Are you ever going to come back from under the covers? I’d really like to kiss you.”

Akaashi hesitated and then shook his head again.

> 

“Hmm.” Bokuto intoned before diving under the covers to join Akaashi. He wrapped his arms around Akaashi’s waist and gave him Eskimo kisses. Akaashi laughed in response and pressed his lips against Bokuto’s. Bokuto gently pushed Akaashi on to his back and hovered over him, not stopping kissing him. He ran one hand over Akaashi’s cheek and through his hair. The kiss deepened, Bokuto’s tongue hot and somewhat desperate in Akaashi’s mouth. Bokuto ran his hand from Akaashi’s hair to his chest. He groped at Akaashi’s nipples, stimulating a soft moan from Akaashi. Bokuto’s eyes darted open and he parted from Akaashi. His eyes were hooded in arousal, and he had a mischievous grin on his face. He grabbed both of Akaashi’s wrists and pinned them above his head with one hand before returning back to kissing Akaashi and playing with his nipples.

Akaashi wasn’t sure where this was going to go, but he liked it. The rational part of him urged him to be weary, that Bokuto had him pinned down and was obviously thinking with his dick already. That they hadn’t discussed this. That he could get hurt. That he’d regret it. Bokuto’s thigh grazed against Akaashi’s hardening member and all of those worries went out the door. He wanted Bokuto.

Bokuto moved to sucking on Akaashi’s earlobe and running his free hand up and down Akaashi’s thigh. Akaashi closed his eyes, letting Bokuto’s touches wash over him. Bokuto moved in-between Akaashi’s thighs and traced open mouthed kissed along Akaashi’s chest. He rubbed his member against Akaashi as he sucked on his nipples.

“Keiji. Keiji you’re so beautiful.” Bokuto murmured as he kissed a trail of kissed down Akaashi’s stomach to the band of his underwear. Akaashi shuddered at the sensation, but didn’t protest. Bokuto didn’t move to remove Akaashi’s underwear, though. He lightly grazed his mouth over Akaashi’s now hard cock, letting his hot breath linger over it. Akaashi moaned, yearning for more. Bokuto pulled back and Akaashi raised his hips to follow Bokuto’s mouth. Bokuto’s hands and body left Akaashi. Akaashi, with eyes still shut, bit his bottom lip in anticipation. After realizing that Bokuto was waiting on him, he slowly pried his eyes open. Bokuto was hovering over him, looking wrecked. His were still hooded, but they looked a bit wild.

“Keiji” he breathed “Tell me now before I get too carried away. Do I need to stop?”

Akaashi stared wide eyed at Bokuto for a moment before slowly closing his eyes and barely shaking his head.

“Would it be okay if I gave you a blowjob?”

Akaashi squeezed his eyes tighter and bit his lip.

_Why do you have to ask? As if I could say no to you. As if I’d want to say no._

He slowly nodded his head up and down a few centimeters.

“Keiji I need actual consent. Nodding, or biting, doesn’t count here. If you don’t want it, I will be off you in an instant.”

_You’re already off me and I’m hating every second of it._

Akaashi covered his face with his hand.

_I can’t believe he’s making me do this._

In the quietest of whispers, he muttered “Yes. Please, Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto’s lips crashed back down on Akaashi’s immediately. They only lingered for a second, and they were trailing back down Akaashi’s body in a mixture of licks and bites. Bokuto’s hands were on Akaashi’s hips, his thumbs already snuck inside the waistband. Bokuto mouthed over Akaashi’s cock over his boxers, causing Akaashi to moan again. Hearing Akaashi’s pleasure, Bokuto tore off his boxers and flung them across the room.

Bokuto stroked him a couple of times before bringing his mouth down to Akaashi’s cock. He paused and Akaashi briefly wondered if he had changed his mind, but then he felt the warm wetness of Bokuto’s tongue sliding up the base of his dick to the head. He ran his tongue around the head of Akaashi’s cock a couple of times, teasing him. Akaashi kept his eyes shut tight and his hand still over his face, but he was sure Bokuto was watching him intently.

Bokuto slowly took most of Akaashi’s dick in his mouth. He lifted his head back up even slower, making sure to tongue as much of Akaashi’s dick as possible as he went. When he reached the tip, he circled his tongue around it once more before quickly bobbing back down and taking the entirely of Akaashi’s length. Akaashi gasped aloud at the sudden sensation. Bokuto grinned around Akaashi’s cock and continued to quickly bob up and down Akaashi’s cock. Bokuto reached up and fondled his balls simultaneously, causing Akaashi to groan again. He could feel the corners of Bokuto’s mouth turned upward around his dick again.

_He gets off on watching me._

Akaashi let the sensation wash over him. Sure, he’d gotten blow jobs before, but not like this. His cock was already twitching from the pleasure. He wasn’t going to last very long. He wanted to _see_ Bokuto suck him. He bit his lip and slowly parted his fingers so he could see Bokuto.

He was met with a pair of golden eyes staring back up at him. Bokuto was indeed staring intently at Akaashi while he sucked his dick. Seeing that Akaashi was looking at him, Bokuto raised his eyebrows and sucked particularly hard.

“Mhmm. Bokuto-san” Akaashi groaned out closing his eyes again while the feeling washed over him.

Looking back at Bokuto, he could see Bokuto’s hard dick dripping with precum. At some point, he’d lost his own pants. Seeing Bokuto hard for him, turned him on more. He unintentionally bucked up into Bokuto’s mouth. Bokuto didn’t seem to mind and continued on. Akaashi removed his hand from his face and ran it though Bokuto’s hair. Bokuto nuzzled him a little, but didn’t stop.

“Bokuto-san. I want-”

Bokuto lifted from Akaashi’s cock and looked firmly at Akaashi. “Call me Koutarou” he quipped before crashing back down suddenly on Akaashi’s cock. Akaashi moaned out and Bokuto pulled off again to add, “or Kou” before resuming.

“K-Kou.” Akaashi spoke between breaths, now beginning to be emitted from his mouth. Hearing Akaashi say his name and breathing heavily, Bokuto sucked harder and faster. Akaashi pulled his hair for a moment to get him to stop. Bokuto halted halfway down on Akaashi’s member and looked up at him with concern. Akaashi stroked his hair and tried to give a smile. Akaashi hesitated. He was nervous to tell Bokuto what he wanted. “I want.” he paused. Bokuto moved to take Akaashi’s dick from his mouth, but Akaashi’s hand held him there. Akaashi bit his lip and took a deep breath before continuing. “I want to watch you touch yourself while you suck me.” Akaashi snapped his eyes shut before he could see Bokuto’s response.

Bokuto lifted from Akaashi’s dick and shifted so his face was close to Akaashi’s. He gave him a wet sloppy kiss on the cheek and nibbled on his ear for a moment before whispering “Anything for you, Keiji”. He slid back down and adjusted. One hand on the bed beside Akaashi, his mouth engulfing Akaashi’s dick, and the other on his own.

Akaashi propped himself up so he could see. Bokuto was rapidly stroking himself while sucking Akaashi. Akaashi felt like he could’ve come from the sight alone.

_He’s so beautiful._

Akaashi ran his hand through Bokuto’s hair while he took in the sight below him. Instinctively, his hips began to sway in place on the bed. His breathing became heavier and he began to pant. He was feeling hot. He shoved his dick into Bokuto’s mouth farther. Bokuto’s eyed drifted back up toward him and he moaned around Akaashi’s dick. Akaashi could feel his own eyes hooded in his arousal, the blush spread across his cheeks, his mouth open panting. He shoved his hips toward Bokuto again, this time a little more forcefully. Bokuto relaxed his jaw a little and looked up at Akaashi. He slowed down and quirked an eyebrow at him. Understanding, Akaashi grabbed Bokuto’s hair and thrusted into his mouth a few times. Bokuto closed his eyes. Akaashi could see his hand move quicker, stroking himself below. Akaashi thrust a few more times into Bokuto’s mouth, this time causing Bokuto to moan more loudly. Bokuto’s moan was the breaking point for Akaashi’s self-control. He thrust furiously into Bokuto’s mouth a few more times. Akaashi fell back against the bed and put both hands in Bokuto’s hair and fucked his mouth.

“Mhmm. Ngh.” Akaashi cried out “Kou. Kou. I’m going to cum.”

Bokuto didn’t move his head away and Akaashi could feel him furiously touching himself below.

Knowing that Bokuto was enjoying it, Akaashi cried his name and came into Bokuto’s mouth. Bokuto sucked him through it, moaning in his own orgasm. He fucked Bokuto’s mouth slowly through his orgasm, gasping for breath.

_That was. Amazing._

Akaashi closed his eyes and felt the sensations rushing through him still. He felt Bokuto lift off him and crawl back up to face level. Bokuto kissed Akaashi, his lips wet and swollen from the face fucking. Akaashi shoved his tongue into Bokuto’s mouth and kissed him sensuously, but softly, taking in Bokuto’s sweet taste mixed with the taste of his own cum. Akaashi ran his hands through Bokuto’s hair again and down his back, pressing Bokuto’s body against his own.

< 

Bokuto broke the kiss and stared at Akaashi, his eyes still hooded. “Keiji, you’re so beautiful. Thank you for that.” he whispered before kissing Akaashi once more.

Akaashi could feel tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

“Kou” he muttered.

Bokuto nuzzled his neck. “Yes, Keji?”

Akaashi shook his head and squeezed Bokuto tighter.

Bokuto smiled into Akaashi’s neck. “Let’s get cleaned up and then I’m cuddling the shit out of you.”

Akaashi laughed. They cleaned up and got back into bed still sans clothes. Bokuto wrapped his arms tightly around Akaashi and kissed him all over before they settled down to sleep. Akaashi didn’t care to hide the affectionate smile plastered on his face.

_I wish every night could be like this._

**. . .**

Akaashi awoke to the sound of a strange noise going off in his apartment. He pried his eyes open and tried to make sense of it. Bokuto had his arm draped over Akaashi’s chest and was snoring. He was drooling a little on the pillow and his hair was sticking out everywhere. His erection was poking Akaashi in the hip.

_Adorable._

_He’s not the sound. Maybe his phone?_

Akaashi slipped out from Bokuto’s grasp and climbed over him to get off the bed. Sure enough, Bokuto’s phone was lit up on the table with an alarm going off.

**5am Hoot! Hoot!**

_Cute. But 5am is entirely too early._

Stifling a yawn, Akaashi tapped the screen so it would snooze and crawled back into bed with it. He squirmed back under Bokuto’s arm and ran his hand along Bokuto’s face and into his hair.

Bokuto’s eyes flickered open immediately. At seeing Akaashi, he gave a soft smile before giving Akaashi a peck on the lips and groggily whispering, “Hey”.

Akaashi wordlessly held Bokuto’s phone up in front of his face, displaying the time and snoozing alarm.

“Oh.” Bokuto took his phone and tapped a few buttons before tossing it back on the table. “Sorry.”

“Why do you have an alarm set for this ungodly hour?” Akaashi croaked, attempting to look annoyed.

“Ha. I’m always up this early to go run.” He embraced Akaashi and squeezed him tight. “But I’m not sure I have it in me to leave bed this morning.”

Akaashi gave his warmest smile.

“You should go.”

“Whaa?” Bokuto cried. His face went into an instant pout. “Did I-“

“I’ll make breakfast while you run.”

Bokuto’s mouth contorted to a wide goofy smile.

“Keiji, you do this on purpose, don’t you?”

Akaashi smiled again. He slipped out from Bokuto’s embrace and crawled out of bed to search for pants.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about Bokuto-san” he purred, his smile dripping in his tone.

. . .

When Akaashi had almost finished cooking breakfast he got several texts. Thinking they were from Bokuto, he paused making breakfast to check.

**[Kuroo]** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**[Kuroo]** : you dog

**[Kuroo]** : Bo is literally floating

**[Kuroo]** : what did you do to him?

**[Kuroo]** : He’s so tight lipped

**[Kuroo]** : He can never keep a secret

**[Kuroo]** : ARE YOU A WIZARD???

Akaashi rolled his eyes and tossed his phone to the side.

_They must run together. I’ll have to remember that just in case Bokuto-san ever invites me. I wonder if that means he’s on his way back now?_

Within the next ten minutes Akaashi head a light knock at the door.

“No thanks. I don’t want any.” He called from the kitchen.

Bokuto opened the door and peeked his head through, a pout plastered on his face.

“Oh. It’s just you.” Akaashi monotoned.

Bokuto scoffed and came inside, kicking off his shoes as he went.

“What’s that? I can’t hear you over the sound of my stomach growling.” He smirked.

Parroting him, Akaashi countered “What’s that? I can’t hear you over the smell of your sweat.”

Bokuto pulled him into a tight hug and tried to kiss him. Akaashi leaned away and wrinkled his nose, feigning disgust. Bokuto pouted and Akaashi relented and leaned into Bokuto’s kiss.

They ate breakfast in relative peace. Bokuto talked excitedly about a dog he’d seen while running. He and Kuroo did run together most mornings, but really it was more of a race. Bokuto boasted that he’d won more times than Kuroo.

By the time they’d finished eating it was still only 6:25. Akaashi crawled around the table on all fours and kissed Bokuto gently on the lips. He pressed his forehead against Bokuto’s and closed his eyes as he spoke.

> 

“Bokuto-san, you don’t have to be at work until 8, right?”

“Mhm. That’s right. Why?’ Bokuto hummed.

“I’d. I’d like to do something for you.”

“But Keiji, you already let me cuddle you all night and made me breakfast!”

Akaashi shook his head.

“I was thinking more of the sexual nature, Bokuto-san.”

“Oh!” Bokuto chirped. Then more suspiciously, “But why?”

“I feel like last night was a little. Unfair. For you. I’d like to. Return the favor.”

“Aww. Keiji” Bokuto ruffled Akaashi’s hair and kissed him. “I would never ask you do something in return. I did it because I wanted to.”

“I know. I. I want to.”

Akaashi opened his eyes and pulled away from Bokuto to see Bokuto’s wide eyes staring at him. Wordlessly, he nodded.

Akaashi smirked. “Bokuto-san, I’m going to need verbal consent.”

Bokuto’s mouth dropped open, turned into a pout and then a smile.

“Please! Yes. I want that. Anything you want to do is okay.”

Akaashi smiled and leaned forward to kiss Bokuto. He slid his hand up his shirt and stroked his chest, making sure to delicately graze over his nipple ring. Akaashi climbed on Bokuto’s lap and pulled off Bokuto’s shirt. He mouthed over Bokuto’s ear and neck while he grinded on him and ran his nails up and down Bokuto’s back. Bokuto whined softly in eagerness. Akaashi shuddered at Bokuto’s sounds. Any animalistic sound Bokuto made seemed to go straight to Akaashi’s dick. Bokuto slid his hands down Akaashi’s sides and up into his shirt, feeling Akaashi’s curves. He threw off Akaashi’s shirt.

_Likes to be in control. Noted._

Akaashi gently pushed Bokuto down so he was lying on the floor. Akaashi continued to kiss down Bokuto’s neck and to his chest. He took Bokuto’s pierced nipped in his mouth and flicked it with his tongue. Bokuto groaned and shifted so he could see Akaashi. Akaashi lifted his mouth from Bokuto’s nipple and locked eyes with him. With a straight emotionless face, he stuck his tongue out and licked Bokuto’s nipple again. Bokuto moaned and covered his face.

“Keiji, you’re going to be the death of me.”

_Nipples are sensitive._

Akaashi sucked on his nipple in response and continued kissing down Bokuto’s torso, stopping at the waistband of his shorts.

“Bokuto-san?”

“Kou.”

“Kou.” Akaashi could feel the blush across his cheeks. He lifted himself off of Bokuto. “Would you stand up for me?”

Bokuto hesitated for a moment, but did what he was asked. Akaashi got on his knees and kissed at the skin just above Bokuto’s shorts. He hooked his thumb inside the cloth and pulled Bokuto’s shorts and underwear both down. Bokuto’s fully erect cock bounced up, greeting him. Akaashi took it in his hand and stroked it a few times. He hadn’t seen Bokuto’s dick up close until now, but he already loved it.

Locking eyes with Bokuto again, he kissed Bokuto’s thigh and nibbled on it while stroking him. Bokuto bit his lip and grunted. Akaashi kissed up Bokuto’s leg and moved over to Bokuto’s balls, licking one before taking it into his mouth. Bokuto groaned. Akaashi tongued over it for a moment before licking the side of Bokuto’s dick from the base to the tip. Instead of putting it in his mouth, he moved over to Bokuto’s other thigh and kissed and bit it.

“Keeiijii” Bokuto whined.

Akaashi continued the exact same thing he did on Bokuto’s other side at the same pace. After he licked up Bokuto’s dick this time, he brushed his lips against the head of Bokuto’s dick and let the heat of his breath wash over it. Bokuto whined again.

_So impatient._

A smirk flickered over Akaashi’s face. He raised his eyes at Bokuto and then took all of Bokuto’s member in his mouth in one fell swoop.

“Aaaaaahmmm.” Bokuto loudly moaned.

Akaashi bobbed back and forth on Bokuto’s dick a few times, each time taking the whole thing, hitting the back of Akaashi’s throat. Spit was already beginning to drip from the corners of Akaashi’s mouth. He took one of Bokuto’s hands and placed it on the back of his head. Akaashi left his hand on top of Bokuto’s and pushed his head back and forth on Bokuto’s dick, trying to wordlessly instruct him. Bokuto stared down at him with his mouth wide open.

“Won’t I hurt you, Keiji? I’m already hitting the back of your mouth.”

Akaashi shook his head as he bobbed back and forth again.

“B-but.” Bokuto stuttered.

Akaashi hollowed his cheeks and sucked hard as he slid off Bokuto’s dick. Bokuto made a low groan in response. Akaashi kept his lips just touching the head of Bokuto’s cock. He licked it once before he spoke.

“Don’t worry. I don’t have a gag reflex.” He smiled before shoving Bokuto’s cock all the way back in his mouth and staring back up at him.

“Oh. OH!” Bokuto groaned with pleasure.

Akaashi squeezed Bokuto’s hand that he’d placed on his head and let go. He loosened his jaw a bit more and held his head in place. Bokuto brought both hands to Akaashi’s face. He stroked Akaashi’s cheekbones with his thumbs, before sliding his hands back a little further into Akaashi’s hair for better grip. Slowly, Bokuto thrust into Akaashi’s mouth. He didn’t go all the way and Akaashi narrowed his eyes and glared at him. Bokuto slid backward and went forward again, this time making sure his entire length went in. He did it slowly a few more times to make sure Akaashi wasn’t in any pain. Satisfied, he began to slide in and out of Akaashi’s mouth at a less hesitant pace. Soon, Bokuto began to breathe heavier and make little groaning noises.

Akaashi’s cock twitched at every noise Bokuto made, begging to be touched. He slid his underwear down and began stroking himself. He groaned from the sensation and Bokuto thrusted into his mouth particularly hard in response.

“Keiji. Keiji.” Bokuto murmured. “I want to cum, but I’m still afraid I’m going to be too rough.”

Akaashi bobbed forcefully on Bokuto’s dick and moaned when it hit the back of his throat while still jerking off. Bokuto moaned from the motion. He bit his lip and grasped Akaashi’s hair tightly once more, this time pounding steadily into Akaashi’s mouth.

Akaashi stroked himself harder at Bokuto’s force. His eyes were beginning to water from the position and drool was coming from both corners of his mouth now. He felt a dull ache in his jaw beginning to take over. With his free hand, he gathered some of the spit from his mouth and chin and coated two fingers. Making sure Bokuto was watching, he spread his legs slightly and reached under himself to finger at his entrance. Bokuto was panting at this point. He couldn’t see what Akaashi was doing from his angle, but he knew. Akaashi could feel Bokuto’s dick twitch in approval.

Akaashi ran his finger around the outside of his sphincter a couple of times before sliding one finger in. He moaned loudly from the pleasure, shutting his eyes, and taking his hand off his dick so he wouldn’t cum instantly. After a few seconds, he opened his eyes to look at Bokuto again.

Bokuto looked absolutely ravished. His eyes were hooded, mouth open and panting, hips thrusting vigorously into Akaashi’s mouth, his grip beginning to get painful on Akaashi’s head.

Seeing Bokuto so obviously desperate, Akaashi couldn’t hold back anymore. He slipped his finger in and out of his ass, matching Bokuto’s thrusts, while stroking himself.

“Mmmmaaa” he moaned around Bokuto’s dick.

Thrust.

“Nghhh”

Thrust.

“Hhhnnnghh”

Thrust.

“Kooouuu”

Thrust. Thrust. Thrust.

Akaashi slipped the second finger inside himself and thrust a few times. He panted around Bokuto’s dick. Akaashi’s hips swayed back onto his hand, fingers brushing his prostate. Immediately, his hips jerked forward and he was spewing into his hand. He gave a particularly loud moan as he came and Bokuto fucked his face fiercely.

“Keiji. I’m going to cum” Bokuto panted out.

Akaashi grabbed Bokuto’s ass so he couldn’t pull out and helped thrust Bokuto into his mouth. Bokuto cried out in orgasm and came into Akaashi’s mouth, stilling his hips. Akaashi sucked him through his orgasm, making sure he swallowed everything. When Akaashi pulled away, Bokuto sunk to his knees and kissed Akaashi vigorously all over his face and wiped the tears that had rolled down his face.

“Keiji. Keiji. That was. The most. Amazing thing. I’m seeing stars. Did I hurt you? Why are you crying?” he muttered as he kissed Akaashi all over.

Akaashi calmly took Bokuto’s face into his hands and kissed him gently on the lips.

“No pain.”

< 

Bokuto kissed him again and brought him into an embrace. They stayed like that, Bokuto rocking them gently back and forth, until Akaashi’s alarm went off.

Bokuto reluctantly left to get ready for work at Akaashi’s demand and Akaashi got ready for class in a daze.

**. . .**

Bokuto came over again that night to continue their Star Wars marathon.

Akaashi watched Episode V with almost as much intensity as he had the night before. The movie was still phenomenal, but he had Bokuto on his mind the entire time. Seconds after the movie ended, they were in each other’s arms kissing passionately. Clothes were quickly strewn across the room and they rolled around on the bed touching each other. Bokuto ended up jerking them both off again and spending the night.

Thursday night, Bokuto came over again and they watched Episode 6.

This time, there was a mixture of blowjobs and jerking each other off. Bokuto ended up spending the night yet again.

Akaashi wanted more of Bokuto still. He craved him. He wanted Bokuto to fill him up and to fuck his brains out. Akaashi had never wanted anyone to touch him like he wanted Bokuto to. Hell, he’d barely ever wanted anyone to touch him.

So, Friday after class, Akaashi slipped into one of the drugstores and bought lube and condoms.

He was afraid. He was a virgin after all. But he’d touched himself plenty of times and Bokuto was always so gentle with him unless he pressed him otherwise. He trusted Bokuto enough for this.

**. . .**

“Keiji. I’m going to be honest with you. This is going to hurt.”

Akaashi rolled his eyes. “Just go ahead already.”

“No. Really. It’s going to hurt. It’s not going to be good. While it’s happening just remember all the good times before and know that it. Will. Get. Better.”

“Bokuto-san, it can’t be that bad.”

“It is.”

Akaashi rolled his eyes again and pressed closer to Bokuto.

“Just press play already.”

“Okay. But I warned you.”

Bokuto leaned forward and pressed play on the laptop and Star Wars Episode 1 began. Akaashi leaned forward in eagerness. He’d loved all the Star Wars movies so far. Bokuto didn’t have great taste in movies normally, so he’d blame Bokuto’s indiscretion on that.

**. . .**

What felt like four mind-numbingly long hours later, the end credits rolled.

Akaashi’s face was contorted in disappointment and distress.

_What the fuck was that?_

Akaashi turned to face Bokuto. Bokuto just shook his head in sympathy.

“I know. I told you it was terrible. Don’t worry. The next one is better and Episode III brings us back to the good territory. Then we have the two new ones to watch and another releases in December.”

Akaashi huffed in annoyance and confusion.

“How did that even get made?”

“I don’t even know.”

Akaashi laid his head on Bokuto’s shoulder. Bokuto immediately stroked his hand through Akaashi’s hair. The movie had given Akaashi a headache, but he still had a mission to fulfill tonight. He shook his head in attempt to clear his head. Determined, he leaned over and slowly kissed Bokuto. He sucked on Bokuto’s lower lip before sliding his tongue in Bokuto’s mouth. They kissed gently and Akaashi climbed into Bokuto’s lap while they kissed. Akaashi slowly rocked back and forth on top of Bokuto.

“Kou” he prompted. He still wasn’t used to calling Bokuto by his first name, but he knew that anytime things got remotely sexual, Bokuto would just reprimand him for using his family name.

“Yeah, Keiji?” Bokuto responded, eyes closed, concentrating on Akaashi grinding on him.

Akaashi ran his tongue over Bokuto’s earlobe before whispering in his ear.

“There’s something I want to do.”

Bokuto shuddered and hummed in response. Akaashi moved to Bokuto’s other ear and bit it gently before whispering again.

“Will you-.” he hesitated. He didn’t realize how embarrassing this was going to be to ask. “Will you-.” he started again, but faltered. He had to vocalize it otherwise Bokuto wouldn’t just go along with it. He pulled away from Bokuto’s ear and looked him in the eyes. Bokuto was staring at him curiously, eyes already wide with comprehension. Akaashi could feel his affection for Bokuto spewing over inside him. He couldn’t help but to give Bokuto a soft adoring grin.

_I love him._

With that realization in mind, he chose his words. They weren’t words he’d anticipated. Nor words he’d really planned for, but he felt it in his being.

“Will you make me yours, Kou?”

Bokuto’s eyes got even wider. Akaashi didn’t think it was possible. A blush spread across both of their faces. Bokuto stuttered to respond.

“B-b-b. T-Th. W-.” He chocked over his own tongue. He took a very deep breath in.

_Five seconds._

He breathed out.

_Five seconds._

“Keiji. Please be clear with me. There’s more than one way I can interpret that.” Bokuto managed.

Akaashi cocked his head slightly and smirked. “Oh? Can you list them for me?”

Bokuto looked bewildered. He held up one hand with two fingers out and pointed to his index finger with the other.

“W-well. First is relationship wise.”

“Uh-huh. I see.” Akaashi nodded along.

Bokuto pointed to the second finger now.

“And. And s-second is sexually.”

“Mmhmm. I see.” Akaashi rubbed his chin in mock thought. “And would you be opposed to either of those things?”

“Of course not!” Bokuto shouted grabbing Akaashi’s hands and staring back up at him earnestly. The gesture reminded Akaashi vaguely of a marriage proposal.

Akaashi held back a grin at Bokuto’s childish eagerness.

“Then please make me” he kissed Bokuto’s nose “your boyfriend” he kissed Bokuto’s left cheek “and your lover” he kissed his right cheek “Koutarou” he pulled away to watch Bokuto’s reaction. Bokuto’s hands were on the back of Akaashi’s head before he could back up enough to see. Bokuto’s lips were crashing down on his own and kissing him furiously.

“Keiji. Keiji. My Keiji. Of course. I’m already yours. A million times yes.” He murmured to Akaashi as he kissed him all over and held him so tight that he couldn’t breathe.

Akaashi couldn’t hold back his grin anymore. He kissed Bokuto back passionately. Seeing Akaashi so happy and eager to be his, Bokuto cried. Akaashi kissed away his tears and held him close.

_He cried when I rejected him and he cried when I accepted him. He really is a sensitive soul._

Akaashi found himself admiring Bokuto. How he was so boldly himself all the time, no matter if it was embarrassing or not.

The two stayed in a tangled embrace for hours just kissing and holding each other. Getting weary, they got in bed, still not breaking apart from each other. Bokuto wrapped his leg around Akaashi and nudged a half-asleep Akaashi.

“Hey, Keiji?”

“Yeah, Kou?” Akaashi groggily replied, eyes closed and on the cusp of sleep.

“Uh. Um.” Bokuto stuttered, searching for the right words.

Akaashi peeked an eye open to look at him. Bokuto looked uncomfortable and conflicted. Sighing, Akaashi opened both eyes and leaned over to kiss him. He searched over Bokuto’s face for clues of what he was thinking.

“The answer is yes.” Akaashi predicted.

Bokuto chuckled. “Are you sure?” He suspiciously leered.

With an absolutely straight face Akaashi continued, “Absolutely. You were going to ask about earlier. When I asked for you to make me your lover.”

Bokuto looked surprised for a moment and then smiled sheepishly. “You’re right. I didn’t want to do it right after we officially became boyfriends. But I would like to make love to you. That’s what you were wanting earlier, wasn’t it?”

“Partially, yes.” Akaashi admitted.

“Can we now? I want to share that experience with you.”

Akaashi leaned in and gave Bokuto a kiss. “Yes, but” he hesitated, “I’m not sure if you remember it or not, but I am a virgin, so there’s that.”

Bokuto eyed Akaashi’s face looking for an indication of how Akaashi really felt about it. “Are you worried?”

“A little. You’re rather. Endowed. And it will be my first time. I-.” He bit his lip. His heart rate was picking up. Talking about sex was okay. Talking about his own insecurities was scary. His eyes washed over Bokuto’s loving face across from him.

_It’ll be okay._

“I’m afraid it’ll be bad. For you. That I’ll be bad and awkward to you.” He breathed out. He halfway anticipated a flurry of kisses to overtake him after his admission, but Bokuto stayed where he was at, staring wide-eyed.

In a small voice, Bokuto responded, “Me too, Keiji. I’m afraid I’ll get too rambunctious and hurt you. Or it’ll be bad. That you’ll hate it and hate me for it. That I’ll do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. But, you know what?” his voice reaching back up to a normal volume for him, “Those are just thoughts and fears. We don’t have to listen to them. And yes, it’s scary for both of us. It may not be great the first time or the ten times after it.” He chuckled, “Assuming you want to again, that is. But that’s okay. This is something we want to share with each other. As long as we communicate, it’ll all work out. Besides, my sexual experience isn’t that great either.” He flashed an award-winning smile.

“Kou, I’m confused.” Akaashi teased. ”Are you trying smooth talk me into sex or talk me out of it?”

“Keeiijii!” Bokuto whined. “I’m trying to put you at ease here!”

“I know you are.” Akaashi kissed Bokuto’s nose. “Thank you. I want to. Tonight. With you.”

Bokuto looked at him hard, “You’re sure?”.

Akaashi gave a slight nod before responding, “Yes, Koutarou”.

“You’ll tell me if you feel uncomfortable or if I’m hurting you?”

_Probably._

“Of course.”

“Don’t lie to me Keiji. Promise.” Bokuto sternly reprimanded.

Akaashi’s head jerked back a little and he raised his eyebrows in surprise.

_He can read me too well._

Sighing he responded, “I promise, Kou”.

> 

Bokuto pulled Akaashi in closer and kissed him deeply and softly, but made no move to do anything more sexual for some time. Eventually, Bokuto pushed Akaashi to his back and climbed on top of him, still kissing him and rubbing his hand up and down Akaashi’s side. Before things began to heat up, he broke apart from Akaashi and sat up.

“I. Uh. I just realized I’m a bit unprepared for this. I’m going to have to run to the store and pick up lube and condoms.” He rubbed the back of his head, embarrassed.

Akaashi shook his head. “You don’t have to do that.”

Dumbfounded, Bokuto rapidly responded, “Huuuh? Yes, I absolutely do! What do you mean, I don’t have-“

Akaashi leaned up and placed his hand over Bokuto’s mouth. “I already have some.”

Bokuto’s eyes widened and then narrowed. “Why is that, eh?”

Akaashi cut him a glare, not responding.

Bokuto wiggled his eyebrows at Akaashi. “I see what you called me here for.” He teased. Akaashi cut him a more severe glare. Bokuto smiled and continued “Where is it?”

Akaashi pointed to his backpack and covered his face in shame. Bokuto went to his bag and pulled the items out. He tore the plastic seal off the lube and pulled a condom out of the box, setting them on the bed. He went to the kitchen and flipped on a light before coming back to bed.

Back in bed, Bokuto kissed Akaashi once more.

“Still good?” he inquired. Akaashi nodded. “Still going to tell me if somethings wrong or if you hate it?” More nods. “Okay” he stripped his shirt off. “Go ahead and strip for me. I’m going to have to take things _reeaaally_ slow, okay?”

Akaashi peeled off his clothes while Bokuto watched. Bokuto didn’t take off his pants, but unbuttoned them. Bokuto took a moment to take Akaashi in. Akaashi blushed a bit. He was scrawny. He was hyper aware of this when he looked at how muscular Bokuto was. Not only that, he was still flaccid. Bokuto traced a hand over Akaashi’s body, mesmerized by him.

_He’s nervous._

Bokuto’s hand traced down to Akaashi’s thigh. He ran four fingers over Akaashi’s scar before kissing it. He leaned up to give Akaashi a peck on the lips.

“You’re perfect, Keiji.” he purred before pressing into Akaashi’s mouth again. He ran his tongue over Akaashi’s and held his face. Akaashi vaguely wanted to cry, but tried to focus on Bokuto’s tongue in his mouth. Bokuto’s mouth traced over Akaashi’s neck next. He sloppily kissed and nipped at his neck, making Akaashi shudder and moan lightly. Bokuto ran a hand through his hair and pulled slightly, giving him more access to Akaashi’s neck. He bit more firmly, causing Akaashi to gasp and paw at Bokuto’s back. Akaashi could feel Bokuto grin and give a final peck on his neck before kissing down Akaashi’s chest, down to his now semi-erect penis.

Bokuto stroked Akaashi’s cock with his hand a few times until he was fully erect and then licked the head. Akaashi bit his cheeks so he wouldn’t cry out, but ended up making a constrained moan anyway. Bokuto slowly licked up and down Akaashi’s shaft a few times before taking him in to his mouth. He bobbed slowly on Akaashi’s dick, watching his reaction. Akaashi could feel himself yearning for Bokuto to go faster and harder. He pushed up into Bokuto’s mouth with a slight groan. Bokuto put his hand around the base of Akaashi’s dick, preventing his mouth from taking the whole thing and from Akaashi being able to thrust again.

When Akaashi’s breathing began to quicken, Bokuto gave his cock one final suck and kiss before getting level with Akaashi again. He gave him a soft kiss. Bokuto’s eyes were blown wide and Akaashi could feel Bokuto’s erection through his pants pressing against him.

“Still good?” he inquired.

Akaashi ran his hand through Bokuto’s hair and felt the muscles of his arm.

“Very.”

“I’m going to finger you now, okay?”

Akaashi let out a little breath and nodded. He managed to get out a small “Okay”.

Bokuto gave him a peck on the lips before sitting back up and grabbing the lube. He lathered his fingers with it and set it close by. He leaned back down on the bed and kissed Akaashi as he began to rub one finger against Akaashi’s hole. The sudden sensation of someone else touching him caused Akaashi to raise his torso and exhale quickly. Bokuto paused, still kissing him and waited for Akaashi to return to the bed and kiss him back again. Bokuto rubbed against his entrance, interchanging between circling and pressing firmly against it, but not entering.

When Akaashi had accustomed to being touched, Bokuto rested his forehead on Akaashi’s and slowly slipped a finger in, studying him intently for signs of discomfort, physically or mentally. Seeing none, he kissed Akaashi deeply and slowly while he slowly slid his finger in and out of him.

Akaashi could feel his cock beginning to yearn for friction. Bokuto was fingering him and it felt magnificent. Since Akaashi, on occasion, fingered himself, Bokuto slipped in a second finger not long after the first. Akaashi shuddered at the delicious sensation. Bokuto was still slowly sliding his fingers in and out of him. Akaashi yearned for more. He rocked his hips down onto Bokuto’s fingers, causing him to brush against his prostate. Akaashi moaned loudly into Bokuto’s mouth. Bokuto froze for a minute, in which during that time, Akaashi thrust himself against his fingers a few more times. Coming to his senses, Bokuto pulled his fingers out and kissed Akaashi again.

Breathing heavily, he shook his head in what looked like an attempt to clear it. He pulled away from Akaashi, resulting in Akaashi whining in protest. Bokuto paid no mind, though. He pulled off his own pants, his erection greeting them and dripping wet. Bokuto opened the condom wrapper and rolled it on. He put more lube on his fingers and kissed Akaashi’s lips again. He slid his body and lips down Akaashi’s until his face was at Akaashi’s cock. He put the tip in his mouth and pressed a finger back into Akaashi. Akaashi moaned instantly. Bokuto put a second finger back in and thrust inside him while lightly sucking on his dick.

_This is the most amazing thing._

Akaashi heavily panted in desire. He didn’t notice when Bokuto had inserted a third finger in his anus. He thrust his hips down on to Bokuto’s hand and simultaneously tried to buck up into his mouth.

“Mmm. Kou.” He moaned. His hips moved mechanically now.

Seeing Akaashi was getting close, Bokuto removed his fingers and mouth. Akaashi gave him a hurt look for a moment before he remembered that they were going to have sex. His heart rate spiked momentarily, but Bokuto’s lips came crashing down on him. Akaashi kissed and bit him desperately. Bokuto bit Akaashi’s lip and pulled back, his eyes closed, trying to center himself.

“Keiji.” Bokuto slowly opened his eyes and studied Akaashi.

“I know, Kou. I’m ready.” Akaashi managed to get out, still breathing deeply, a wild look on his own face.

Bokuto kissed him once more before sitting up again. He grabbed the bottle of lube and lathered some on his cock. Akaashi bit his lip hard in desire as he watched Bokuto stroke himself. Bokuto noticed and grinned at him, making a few seconds of show out of it. He positioned Akaashi how he wanted and aligned the tip of his cock with Akaashi’s ass before leaning back down over Akaashi. He kissed him softly before whispering.

“You’re sure?”

In barely a whisper back, Akaashi replied, “Positive”.

Bokuto kissed him once more before slowly pressing the head of his cock in. Bokuto groaned and bit his lip and closed his eyes from being hard and having no stimulation for so long. He immediately opened them back up to study Akaashi. Akaashi had squeezed his eyes shut tightly.

_It’s weird. It’s still so tight._

Bokuto kissed Akaashi’s chest and waited for Akaashi to relax a little. Akaashi adjusted and opened his eyes again. Seeing Bokuto looking concerned, he gave a little smile and nod. Bokuto kissed his chest some more and slowly continued to push in. Akaashi took a sharp breath in and Bokuto stopped and studied him worriedly. Akaashi ran his hands down Bokuto’s back, fingers trailing lightly over it. Bokuto smiled and gently pressed the rest of the way in.

Filled up, Akaashi closed his eyes and whined. Bokuto lavished him with kisses and praise while Akaashi acclimated to the feeling. When he finally opened his eyes again Bokuto was staring at him intently again.

“Hurt?” he tentatively asked.

Akaashi shook his head. “No. You can move now.”

Bokuto’s cock twitched inside of him, causing Akaashi to smile and moan lightly. Bokuto kissed him again and slowly backed his hips up. He slowly slid back into Akaashi. Akaashi closed his eyes and tried to adjust to the sensation. Judging that Akaashi wasn’t in pain, Bokuto began to quicken the pace between thrusts and go a little deeper each time. Akaashi bit his lip and arched his torso up again. Bokuto’s dick was sliding in and out of him easily now and it felt amazing.

Bokuto picked up a steady pace and leaned down to kiss Akaashi. Akaashi lifted his shoulders to meet him halfway and wrapped his arms around him, kissing him desperately.

“Mm. Keiji. My Keiji. You’re so beautiful and you feel so amazing.” Bokuto kissed Akaashi’s neck causing him to moan.

“Kou. Kou.” Akaashi panted in-between breaths.

Bokuto thrusted harder into Akaashi and pressed against his prostate. Akaashi cried out in delight. His dick, though untouched at the moment, was begging to be touched. To cum.

“Kou. I’m not going to last much longer.” He cried out.

Bokuto thrusted harder at hearing that. Panting, he demanded “Hold on tight for a second”. Akaashi nodded and Bokuto pulled him up and moved to a sitting position. Bokuto held Akaashi by the ass and thrust him down on his dick.

“Mgnh. Kou.”

Another demand came, “Keiji. Touch yourself while I fuck you”. Bokuto thrust Akaashi down on his dick again, brushing Akaashi’s prostate.

Akaashi wrapped one arm securely around Bokuto’s shoulder for stability and grabbed his own dick. From the position, he looked down on Bokuto who was in the midst of desire, panting and dick begging to cum. He bit his lip and stroked himself while he watched Bokuto slam into him. Akaashi groaned at his own touch combined with Bokuto fucking him. Bokuto slammed into him harder making sure to hit his prostate. Akaashi stroked himself feverishly now and swayed his hips onto Bokuto. Bokuto stopped moving Akaashi and watched, mouth open and panting as Akaashi fucked himself on his dick. Bokuto moaned with pleasure and Akaashi came down on him hard, hitting his prostate hard. He let out a groan and came into his hand and onto Bokuto’s chest. Bokuto grabbed his ass and slammed him back down on his dick a few times, fucking Akaashi through his orgasm and reaching his own, before letting out a loud moan himself, and stilling his hips.

The sat there and huffed for a moment trying to catch their breath. Bokuto kissed Akaashi softly before whispering “Hold tight” again. He moved Akaashi back into a laying down position and kissed him as he slowly pulled out. He whispered, “I’ll be right back” and walked off toward the bathroom. He came back a minute later and cleaned the cum and lube off the both of them. Akaashi was slightly embarrassed, but was still too wrecked to oppose.

After he was done, Bokuto laid back in bed with Akaashi and held him closely, kissing him all over. Akaashi tried to steady his breathing back out.

< 

“Are you in any pain?” Bokuto asked with a sad tone in his voice.

_Why does he sound sad?_

Akaashi shook his head and cuddle closer to Bokuto.

“Trying to gather rational thought again” Akaashi replied a bit dazed. “That was incredible Koutarou.” He gave Bokuto a weak smile and kissed him.

Bokuto gave him an earnest smile and nuzzled against Akaashi. “You were incredible Keiji.”

Akaashi closed his eyes and began to drift off. He felt Bokuto play with his hair and whisper something he didn’t quite catch.

_I love you Koutarou._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sceeching* They're boyfriends and I love them so much!!!!!!!
> 
> I really want that threesome to happen. I think I'm going to have to write one so I can get it out of my system...  
> Also, I'm correct about the Star Wars.


	12. Chapter 12

Akaashi awoke feeling cold and empty. For the past week, he’d woken up with Bokuto snoring away happily while unconsciously crushing him to death and rubbing his erection on Akaashi. Slowly coming into consciousness, Akaashi noticed a severe lack of snoring and a freeness of his own breathing. There was faint mumbling coming from somewhere, but he couldn’t make it out yet. Eyes still closed, he stretched out, probing for Bokuto. His hands fell on cold empty rumpled bedsheets. Sitting up frantically, Akaashi rubbed his eyes and blearily looked around his apartment.

The curtains were drawn tight, the light in the kitchen still on, Akaashi’s clothes strewn across the apartment, Bokuto’s clothes missing. A deep frown drew across Akaashi’s face.

_He left?_

A dread and pain shot through Akaashi. He could already feel the shame welling up inside him.

“No, I know but-“ Bokuto’s feverish whispering cut through the apartment.

_Oh._

Gathering the blankets around himself, Akaashi shuffled toward Bokuto’s voice. He found him in the kitchen near the front door, pants on, but still shirtless, talking on the phone with his back to the main room. It was the farthest place in the miniscule apartment away from the bed aside from the bathroom.

_He was trying to let me sleep?_

Akaashi approached silently. He could see Bokuto had a stern expression by the way his jaw was set. Akaashi stooped a little and laid his head between Bokuto’s shoulder blades and wrapped his arms and the blankets around Bokuto’s waist. Bokuto jumped slightly from surprise, but quickly leaned into Akaashi’s embrace and patted Akaashi’s arms.

“I know, I know.” Bokuto grumbled into the phone.

_Frustrated. Interesting._

Akaashi leaned up on his tip toes and gave Bokuto a peck on the cheek. Bokuto smiled brilliantly and mouthed “Good morning” to Akaashi.

“I am listening.” He groaned back into the phone.

Akaashi slipped quietly away and snuggled back into bed, comforted by Bokuto’s presence.

_I wonder who he’s talking to. I didn’t know he was capable of being annoyed with someone._

Ten minutes later filled with what sounded like bickering, Akaashi heard a loud sigh and Bokuto came back into the room. Seeing Akaashi’s clothes still on the floor, he stripped and dove back into bed with Akaashi.

Immediately planting him with kisses he asked, “Sorry. Did I wake you?”.

Akaashi shook his head sleepily and snuggled closer to Bokuto. “Who was it? You seemed aggravated.” He groggily mumbled back.

Bokuto silently laughed for a moment. “Always so keen, Keiji.”

Akaashi shook his head before Bokuto could continue. “No. You’re an open book for everyone. You should never play poker.”

Bokuto stared off into space in a memory. “I wish I’d met you years ago so you could’ve told me that. I’ve lost so much money, not to mention pride, playing poker with Kuroo,” he laughed.

“I’m sure I’m not the first to come to that realization. But please don’t mention Kuroo-san’s name while I’m naked in bed with you.”

Bokuto laughed more loudly now. “What about my father? He’s who I was on the phone with.”

“I’ve never met him so I don’t imagine a face and there’s no way he’s as annoying as Kuroo-san, so it’s okay.”

Bokuto’s eyebrows darted down and his lips tightened for a fraction of a second before resuming his usual goofy smile.

_I hit a nerve._

“Can I take you on a date this afternoon, Keiji?”

Akaashi flinched slightly at the unanticipated offer.

_I was wrong?_

“Sure. Did you have something in mind?”

“It’s a surprise!” Bokuto cheered.

Akaashi’s eyes narrowed for a second and he opened his mouth to respond with a salty comment, but Bokuto beat him to the punch.

“It’s going to be verr-ryyy secluded and there will be sharp objects present. No telling what could happen.” He winked and grinned at Akaashi.

Akaashi’s eyebrows went down hard, his eyes full of concern. He shifted back slightly from Bokuto, but Bokuto wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in tighter.

“Plus, I’m supposed to go have lunch with my father today.” He rubbed his face against Akaashi’s “No telling how much aggression I’ll have built up then. Who knows what I might do?” His eyebrows playfully danced across his face.

“Koutarou, are you threatening me?”

“Heehe. Of course, not Keiji. I’m just reading your mind. I’m telling you to trust me a little. You were about to bring up the ‘I’m a suspicious person and entirely capable of murdering fragile Keiji argument’. Besides,” He pointed a thumb to his chest proudly. “I AM your _boyfriend_ , after all. It’s my job to take care of you.” He grinned so big Akaashi wondered if it hurt.

Akaashi snorted. He could positively see the sparkles coming off Bokuto.

“Dating doesn’t mean you’re not capable of murdering me. Domestic violence is very real.”

“Awww. Keiji.” Bokuto whined and pouted.

“I’m only stating facts.” Akaashi continued.

Bokuto jut his lower lip out and whined more. His usual charisma gone. “Keiji doesn’t think I can be a good boyfriend” he grumbled and withdrew from Akaashi, opting instead to cross his arms. “He’s probably right. He’s much smarter than I am.”

Akaashi’s eyebrow quirked quickly.

_This is. Strange._

A message from Kuroo flashed in Akaashi’s mind. “I haven’t seen him get like this in long time” followed by Iwaizumi telling him “I think he knows a bit more about what you’re going through than you think. From what I hear, he gets like this from time to time too.”.

_Oh_. _Maybe?_

Akaashi reached over and unwrapped Bokuto’s arms and replaced them around him, scooching over to snuggle with him. He kissed Bokuto lightly, but Bokuto didn’t respond and kept his eyes averted from Akaashi, lip trembling.

“Koutarou.”

No response.

Akaashi nuzzled Bokuto with his nose a little.

Still no response.

Akaashi pushed Bokuto on his back and straddled him. Bokuto’s eyes widened at the position and he finally met eyes with Akaashi.

In a firm tone Akaashi spoke. “You’re wrong. I’ve never thought you weren’t good to me or that you weren’t smart. I wouldn’t be your b-boy-. I wouldn’t be dating you if I didn’t think you were special. Nor would I have wasted a second of my time with you if I thought you were dangerous.” Akaashi bit the insides of his mouth in embarrassment. He couldn’t bring himself to say boyfriend yet.

The sparkles around Bokuto returned. He grinned dopily up at Akaashi and jeered, “Keiji actually likes me?”.

Akaashi rolled his eyes and let out a disgusted grunt. He rolled off Bokuto and laid on his back.

“Tell me more about how you think I’m special, Keiji.”

Akaashi rolled over to his side, his back now facing Bokuto. He could feel Bokuto staring at him with some annoying expectant look on his face. Akaashi felt a finger poking him in his side, causing him to jolt and cry out. Akaashi’s eyes darted to Bokuto in annoyance. Bokuto’s face reeked of scheming.

“Don’t. You. Dare.” Akaashi seethed, grabbing the pillow as a barrier between him and his malicious, scheming boyfriend. He was beginning to regret not putting clothes on earlier.

Bokuto’s eyes flashed and he held his hands out menacingly as he slowly started to lean forward.

_Nope._

Akaashi smacked Bokuto in the face with the pillow and jumped off the bed to run to the bathroom to hide. Bokuto caught him from behind just as he got in the door frame. He wrapped one arm around Akaashi’s chest so he couldn’t run and lightly danced his fingers over Akaashi’s sides and stomach just enough to make him squirm uncomfortably, but not cry out in laughing pain. Akaashi struggled to no avail while Bokuto laughed at him. He was contemplating if it’d be worth it to bite Bokuto when Bokuto stopped tickling and wrapped that arm around him too in an embrace. He kissed Akaashi softly on the cheek and swayed back and forth with him.

“Bokuto-san, this is weird when we’re naked.”

Bokuto gave a hearty laugh. “Not if we become nudists.”

“That’s not happening.”

“We’ll see, Keiji. We’ll see.” He hummed. “There’s a world of possibilities out there for us.”

Bokuto’s phone dinged from the main room and he let out an exasperated sigh followed by a whine and squeezing Akaashi.

“That’s my dad. He’s probably on his way to my apartment now. I need to get there before he does.”

_He must not like his dad very much. He doesn’t talk about him like he does his mom._

Akaashi squeezed Bokuto’s hand in reassurance. “Okay. What time do I need to be ready for our date?”

Bokuto practically vibrated in excitement. “How does two sound?”

“Perfect. I can sleep until one forty-five.”

Bokuto sloppily kissed Akaashi on the cheek again and promptly ran off to secure clothing. Akaashi followed suit, though less hastily and only choosing to only slip on underwear and a shirt. He walked Bokuto to the door, and after an almost painfully tight hug and aggressive kiss from Bokuto, Bokuto remorsefully scurried away.

As soon as the door closed, Akaashi slipped back into bed and immediately started composing a text.

**[Akaashi]:** I have two questions.

**[Kuroo]:** Yes I’m gay and yes I’m interested.

**[Akaashi]:** Make that three questions.

**[Kuroo]:** Still yes and yes. And, yes, but I rather have you all to myself than the threesome. ;)

[ **Kuroo** ]: I’m selfish

**[Akaashi]:** Tell me more about when you said Bokuto gets depressed sometimes.

**[Akaashi]:** Does Bokuto not like his dad?

**[Akaashi]:** And do you ever stop?

**[Kuroo]:** Finally making use of this fountain of information I see…

**[Kuroo]:** Sounds like you finally got to experience one of Bo’s moods

**[Akaashi]:** Possibly. He was a little… off this morning, but he snapped out of it quickly.

**[Kuroo]:** Sounds about right.

**[Kuroo]:** We call them his “dejected mode”

**[Kuroo]:** Never quite know whats gonna trigger it

**[Kuroo]:** Sometimes a plant dies

**[Kuroo]:** or someone insults him

**[Kuroo]:** They don’t usually last long.

**[Kuroo]:** Just stroke his ego a bit and he’ll buck right back up

**[Kuroo]:** if it lasts a long time though ask about his meds

**[Kuroo]:** He hasn’t had to take them in a while but…

**[Akaashi]:** Bokuto-san takes meds?

**[Kuroo]:** Not my place to talk about. Nothing he has to have to survive though.

**[Kuroo]:** As for his dad… He loves his dad. But.

**[Kuroo]:** Its strained.

**[Kuroo]:** Their relationship

**[Akaashi]:** Why?

**[Kuroo]:** Also… not my place.

**[Kuroo]:** Sorry beautiful. Bro code.

**[Kuroo]:** Bo will tell you when he’s ready.

**[Kuroo]:** But…. I can tell you their relationship isn’t strained from some homophobic bullshit or anything too bad

**[Akaashi]:** Good

**[Kuroo]:** and lastly,

**[Kuroo]:** no. I don’t stop.

**[Kuroo]:** until you’ve cum so much that it hurts.

Akaashi could feel the vein in his forehead beginning to throb from this conversation.

**[Kuroo]:** meow

**[Kuroo]:** I’ve answered your questions. Answer mine.

**[Kuroo]:** Why are you finally showing a sudden interest in Bo?

**[Kuroo]:** Are you finally getting serious about him?

**[Kuroo]:** Why did you shut him out for an entire month?

**[Kuroo]:** Why did you shut everyone out?

**[Kuroo]:** We’re your friends too, you know.

**[Kuroo]:** Do I have a chance at all?

**[Akaashi]:** I just…

**[Kuroo]:** ?

**[Kuroo]:** I’m judging you by your answer

**[Akaashi]:** I just am. It’s none of your business. I can’t tell you. Can’t tell you. And lastly,

**[Akaashi]:** hell no.

**[Kuroo]:** hmm (=^-ω-^=)

**[Kuroo]:** Are you sure those are your answers?

**[Akaashi]:** Yes. Are you done?

**[Kuroo]:** nope

**[Kuroo]:** [ _Image Attached_ ]

**[Akaashi]:** If this is a nude picture of you, I swear….

**[Kuroo]:** almost as good. Open it.

Akaashi reluctantly opened the message. It was a screen shot of him and Kuroo messaging.

_So what?_

He clicked it to enlarge it.

**[Akaashi]:** I have two questions.

**[Kuroo]:** Yes I’m gay and yes I’m interested.

**[Akaashi]:** Make that three questions.

**[Kuroo]:** Still yes and yes. And, yes, but I rather have you all to myself than the threesome. ;)

**[Akaashi]:** Good

**[Kuroo]:** Why are you finally showing a sudden interest in Bo?

**[Kuroo]:** Are you finally getting serious about him?

**[Akaashi]:** hell no.

Akaashi cut an instant infuriated glare to the phone and exited out of the picture.

**[Akaashi]:** You’re blackmailing me??

**[Kuroo]:** Ding! Ding! Ding!

**[Kuroo]:** Winner!!!

**[Kuroo]:** or loser. However you want to look at it.

**[Kuroo]:** but yes.

**[Akaashi]:** Terrorist.

**[Kuroo]:** ouch.

**[Kuroo]:** you haven’t even heard my demands.

**[Akaashi]:** Why would I give in to your demands? I can just show Bokuto where you’ve deleted messages.

**[Kuroo]:** You can.

**[Kuroo]:** but then he’d have to see the messages

**[Kuroo]:** and I KNOW you beautiful

**[Kuroo]:** you wouldn’t want that

**[Kuroo]:** So here’s what I want:

**[Kuroo]:** two weeks from now, the 26 th, you’re going to go out with me

**[Kuroo]:** consider it a date

**[Kuroo]:** keep all day clear

**[Kuroo]:** I’ll send you more info as it gets closer

**[Akaashi]:** Why?

**[Kuroo]:** I have my reasons

**[Kuroo]:** And I refuse to budge on this.

**[Kuroo]:** Don’t tell Bo

**[Akaashi]:** You want me to lie?

**[Kuroo]:** no, no, no. not lie…

**[Kuroo]:** yes lie. Deceive the shit out of him.

**[Kuroo]:** he’ll believe anything you tell him.

**[Akaashi]:** You’re the worst.

**[Akaashi]:** why is he even friends with you?

**[Kuroo]:** You’ll see.

[ **Kuroo** ]: all will be revealed in time

**[Akaashi]:** How do I know you’re not going to sexually assault me while you’re holding me hostage?

**[Kuroo]:** [ _Image Attached_ ]

Akaashi opened the image tentatively. Kuroo was lying in bed, his face smashed into a pillow, bed head worse than ever. He had a soft smile plastered on his face. Not like one of his usual smirks. Something honest. If Akaashi had never met him and didn’t know for a fact that he was a raging asshole, he might’ve even thought Kuroo looked cute in the picture, but this was real life and he wasn’t fooled by a cat presenting its stomach to pet.

**[Kuroo]:** does that look like a face of a predator???

**[Akaashi]:** Yes.

**[Kuroo]:** Don’t worry. I’m not going to touch you.

**[Kuroo]:** I only kiss on the first date.

**[Akaashi]:** I will stab you

**[Kuroo]:** With your penis, I hope

**[Akaashi]:** You’re sick

**[Kuroo]:** only of you not being in my bed

**[Akaashi]:** Are we done here?

**[Kuroo]:** idk. If you sent me a pic of that beautiful face, I might be. ;)

**[Akaashi]:** Goodbye. I hope for your untimely death before your premeditated kidnapping and sexual assault. If not, I’ll see you in court after it.

**[Kuroo]:** [ _Image Attached_ ]

This time Kuroo was wearing his smirk and winking. He’d tilted the camera down a little so his shirtless toned chest was revealed.

_Someone needs to castrate him._

**[Kuroo]:** Don’t miss me too much. ;)

Akaashi set his phone down and groaned for a minute straight.

_How did this happen? I should know better than to ask for his help._

He rubbed his face in annoyance.

_I need a nap._

**. . .**

Akaashi slept restlessly. Nightmarish visions of Kuroo leading him around in a collar and leash pervaded his dreams.  Akaashi huffed. He should’ve been having sweet dreams about Bokuto and being embraced by his beefy arms or Bokuto crushing his skull with those to-die-for thighs, but that damn pain-in-the-ass-Kuroo-san had ruined it for him. Akaashi felt around for his phone. Being awake was better than those tortures.

**1:03PM**

**24 New Messages**

Akaashi cut his eyes. There was no way Bokuto had sent him that many messages. That meant-

**[Bokuto]: 8 Unread Messages**

**[Kuroo]: 16 Unread Messages**

Fearing the worst, he opted for Kuroo’s messages first. He’d be able to wash his brain of Kuroo’s filth with Bokuto’s messages after.

**[Kuroo]:** BRO

**[Kuroo]:** BROOOOO!!!!!

**[Kuroo]:** YOU’RE FINALLY DATING??

**[Kuroo]:** OFFICIALLY??

**[Kuroo]:** I’M SO HAPPY

**[Kuroo]:** NAKDNFADJFLK

**[Kuroo]:** AND YOU ASKED HIM????

**[Kuroo]:** BEAUTIFUL WERE YOU DRUNK????

**[Kuroo]:** You better treat him well

**[Kuroo]:** or I WILL kill you

**[Kuroo]:** jk

**[Kuroo]:** no

**[Kuroo]:** no. im not

**[Kuroo]:** Bo is my best bro

**[Kuroo]:** I wont hesitate

**[Kuroo]:** our date is still on though.

_Hm. He must be happy. He didn’t even say anything remotely sexual._

He bit his lip as he read over the last message again. Something didn’t feel right.

_Why is Kuroo still demanding a date with me? What is he up to? He’s not really going to try anything, is he? He doesn’t make sense._

Akaashi backed out without replying and switched to Bokuto’s messages.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** KEEEIIIJIIII!!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I’M SO BORED!!!!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** we’re at some fancy restaurant and I feel so out of place.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** also

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I might’ve told everyone we’re dating……..

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I apologize for anything Kuroo’s sent you

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** and my dad kinda wants to meet you now..

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** He’s mortified that I don’t have a pic of you

Akaashi couldn’t help but to shake his head.

_What a goofball._

Akaashi begrudgingly rolled out of bed to get ready. He much rather stay at home in bed, but Bokuto seemed excited and it was their first date as a couple, so he was determined to enjoy it, not matter how seductive the bed was.

Fresh from the shower, Akaashi was shuffling through clothes when he heard a message notification from his phone. Bokuto had given him a courtesy text letting him know he was on his way. Hastily, he slipped on underwear and jeans before going to unlock the door. He resumed the hunt for a nice clean shirt. Since Bokuto had been over all week he hadn’t had time to do laundry. Not that he probably would’ve done laundry anyway, but he might’ve gotten away with wearing the same thing numerous days in a row instead of being conscious of looking like a functioning human being and therefore dressing nicely all week.

Akaashi had just finished getting ready when Bokuto busted in the apartment looking all too eager to see Akaashi even though he’d seen him only hours ago. Apparently spending the night for a week made Bokuto feel very at home. Akaashi vaguely wondered if he’d regret that. If Bokuto would have a problem respecting his boundaries. He hadn’t yet, but Akaashi wasn’t too sure.

“AAAGaaashiiiii!” Bokuto yelled with his arms out approaching Akaashi for a hug. Akaashi pulled a face and stepped slightly away. Bokuto had more energy in him than his body could handle. He was fairly certain that Bokuto’s yell had shaken then windows.

“Bokuto-san, volume.”

“Awww.” Bokuto whined before embracing Akaashi into a gentle hug and nuzzling his chest and neck. “But I’m excited. I didn’t want to leave you this morning.”

“You had plans.”

“But I really, really didn’t want to go. I was scared.”

Akaashi shifted slightly in attempt to catch a glimpse of Bokuto’s face, who squeezed Akaashi tight and kept his face from sight.

“Why?” Akaashi demanded.

Bokuto took a deep breath and stood up completely, though not letting go of Akaashi.

“I was worried I’d dreamt it. You. You’re so squirrely that I was afraid that if I left like that, I’d come back and you’d be gone or something. Like the entire apartment would be empty and everything.”

“Squirrely?” Akaashi moved the word around in his mouth taking in its flavor.

_Tastes like guilt._

Bokuto shot up and kissed Akaashi wetly on the lips. “Y-yeah.” He laughed. “I know. I’m being weird. Any how! Are you ready to go? I’m pumped about this date!”

“Bokuto-san, I don’t know if I can go on this date with you.”

Bokuto visibly deflated a little, looking as if he was about to cry. “Why not?”

Akaashi smirked. “You didn’t bring me flowers. Just because we’re dating that doesn’t mean you can be lazy now.”

“Aaaawww Kaaashiii. You really had me worried there for a minute.” Bokuto held his hand to his chest and took a deep breath. “But you’ll have flowers by the time I bring you home, trust me.” Bokuto winked and grabbed Akaashi’s hand.

“I didn’t really mean it.”

“I know. You’ll still have some. People tend to offer the dead flowers after all.” Bokuto scrunched up his nose and smirked back at Akaashi. Akaashi could feel a shiver go through his body.

_For someone so seemingly innocent and sweet, he can be scary. Predatory, even._

Akaashi stifled a laugh. “You and Kuroo-san are a pair. Let’s go.”

“Huh? Pair of what?” Bokuto cocked his head to the side.

“Nocuous imps, mostly.”

“Huuhh? Akaaaashhiiii! Are we really that bad? You haven’t even seen Kuroo lately!”

Akaashi lightly pushed Bokuto out the door and locked it. He began to take a few steps, but then halted, turning to Bokuto seriously.

“Oh. You don’t know. That pain-in-the-ass-Kuroo-san stole my number from your phone while I was-“ he racked his brain for a way to refer to his meltdown without having to phrase it that way “- on hiatus”.

Bokuto squeaked and flushed red. He began to stutter some sort of apology or response, but Akaashi held up his hand and shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I can always block him if he bugs me too much.”

_Or get Kenma to take care of my lightweight._

Bokuto nodded before taking Akaashi’s hand and leading him through the hallway. It was another bright hot sunny day. Bokuto hummed as he walked, not speaking much. Outside of the apartment, he still lead Akaashi by the hand through the streets instead of walking with him.

_Something’s bothering him._

“Boku-“

“Hey Kashi! You haven’t eaten yet, right?” Bokuto looked back to Akaashi and beamed.

Akaashi’s stomach wrenched. He bit his lip and shook his head.

“Great! Let’s get donuts!” Bokuto lurched forward with new vigor, still pulling Akaashi along.

Akaashi squeezed Bokuto’s hand and planted his feet firmly. Bokuto stopped and turned to look at him, his eyebrows crinkled and bottom lip trapped in-between his teeth.

“Hey-“ Bokuto softly whispered “we can’t get donuts if we stay here.” he trailed off.

Akaashi studied Bokuto’s face intently trying to put a pin on why Bokuto was acting strange.

“Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto looked to the concrete. “Y-yeah?”

“What’s bothering you?”

Bokuto’s shoulders raised to his ears. He stood there thinking for some time before lowering his shoulders. Akaashi squeezed his hand and brushed his thumb across it.

“I guess. Did Kuroo say anything about me to you? Did-“ Bokuto pursed his lips together and moved them from side to side three times. “Did he tell you things? Things I haven’t told you?” His eyes darted over to Akaashi anxiously.

“Bokuto-san, I don’t ask that pain-in-the-ass-Kuroo-san questions and he hasn’t offered up anything. Although-“ Akaashi grimaced “-he has, however, given me the take-care-of-Bo-or-there-will-be-consequences fatherly talk already today.”

Bokuto covered his mouth with his hand. His shoulders hunched up and down a few times and he started to turn red before his hand couldn’t hold back his laughter anymore. “He. He did what now?” Bokuto kept giggling.

“He threatened my life Bokuto-san. Told me to be nice to you.” Akaashi hoped his face looked serious, but he could feel the corners of his mouth threatening to twitch upward.

Bokuto bust out into laughter again. “I can’t believe him!”

Akaashi nodded, mostly to himself. “Kuroo-san takes your friendship and the bro code very seriously. He’s very overprotective of you.”

Bokuto was bent over in laughter by this point. He wiped a few tears from his eyes before straightening up. His gaze directed to some far-off memory. “Yeah. He is. He’s a good friend. And the best bro.”

A soft smile permeated Akaashi’s lips.

_Maybe Kuroo-san isn’t entirely the worst if he can make Bokuto-san smile like that._

Akaashi squeezed Bokuto’s hand again. “Now where were we getting these amazing donuts when it’s the afternoon already?”

Bokuto jolted up and grinned. “There’s a place!”

“Of course there’s a place.” Akaashi rolled his eyes. “But is the place open?”

Bokuto used his free hand to point at Akaashi accusingly. “Ye of little faith! Have faith in your boyfriend!”

Akaashi shook his head at Bokuto’s antics. “You have to earn that.”

Bokuto’s bottom lip jut out immediately. He stuck his tongue out at Akaashi and drug him three blocks to the aforementioned donut shop. Outside the door showing the store was open, Bokuto dropped to his knees and spread his arms out outline the sign showcasing the hours and did jazz hands.

“Seee? Akaashi? Seeee?”

“Yes. Very good, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi acknowledged before walking into the shop. Preening, Bokuto scurried in behind him.

The two sat in a corner booth hidden away from the rest of the customers. They’d ordered a couple of glazed donuts each with tea. The server brought them warm donuts to Akaashi’s surprise. He picked one up and carelessly took a bit from it. Immediately he closed his eyes and slowly chewed the bite, his mouth forming smiles when his teeth met. When he opened his eyes again, Bokuto was staring at him, his chin propped up by his hand, elbow on the table. Akaashi took another bite from his donut, daring Bokuto to say something. Surprisingly, Bokuto didn’t speak. He just sat there with a dreamy look on his face watching Akaashi float away in happiness from the donuts.

By the time Akaashi had finished both donuts, Bokuto still hadn’t moved. Akaashi pursed his lips at him, but Bokuto just nudged his plate toward Akaashi. Akaashi quirked an eyebrow at him. Bokuto usually ate a lot.

“I just had lunch with my dad, remember? I’m not hungry. Plus,” one side of his mouth turned up in a crooked smile “I’m enjoying watching your soul repeatedly ascend to heaven over there.”

Akaashi narrowed his eyes in attempt to shoot lasers at Bokuto and make him explode. When that didn’t work, he shoved one of the offered donuts in his mouth whole and resumed his closed eyed mouth orgasm. A snigger from Bokuto caught his attention. When Akaashi opened his eyes, Bokuto had his phone out taking a picture of Akaashi. Akaashi nearly choked and hurried to finish the food in his mouth while Bokuto laughed at him.

Mouth free of food he intoned “Bokuto-san, you know it’s illegal to take picture of people without permission?”

Bokuto blushed slightly before responding “Are you going to arrest me, officer?”. He leaned forward on the table and gave a devious grin.

“I might.”

“What if I offered you a picture in exchange? Would that clear me of charges?”

“Hardly.”

Bokuto scrunched his face up in disappointment.

“However,” Akaashi continued “if you add a picture with both of us to that deal, I might be able to overlook my grievance.”

“Okay!” Bokuto practically jumped across the table. He pointed to himself and yammering he continued “Do you want a picture of me now?”

Akaashi shook his head and laced his fingers together before laying his clasped hands on the table. “Since you took a picture of me while I wasn’t paying attention, I’ll do the same for you.” He scrunched up his nose and leaned in slightly. “When you’re doing something embarrassing. Then I can send it to everyone to see.”

“Uuughh! Keeiiijii!” Bokuto collapsed back into the seat and rubbed his face with both hands. “I’m starting to think you have it out for me.”

“Well.” Akaashi sipped his green tea. “At the very least, I’m creating a motive for your murder attempt on me. Maybe the judge will take that into consideration during your sentencing.”

“You’re the worst.”

“Rude.”

Akaashi took a bite from the last donut indignantly.

“What about the picture together?”

“We can do that now, if you like.”

“Yeee!” Bokuto pulled his phone back out. Akaashi made sure to wipe his mouth while Bokuto slid out of his seat and moved to sit next to Akaashi. He pressed his cheek up against Akaashi’s and grinned. Akaashi squinted slightly from the touch, but gave a soft compliant smile before Bokuto snapped the picture. Bokuto gave Akaashi a light kiss on the cheek before shuffling back to his original seat.

“I’ll send it to you now!” Bokuto hummed away, then in a more serious monotoned voice, “And everyone in my contact list too.”

Akaashi looked up mid bite, startled.

_These donuts are distracting. He’s probably serious. Is that okay?_

Akaashi watched Bokuto playing on his phone, probably sending the picture to everyone in his contacts and posting it to all his social media, his face the epitome of happiness.

_Yeah. It’s fine._

Akaashi finished the last donut while watching Bokuto. “Bokuto-san, these donuts were phenomenal. You choose well.”

Bokuto grinned and gave a little chuckle to himself. “I’m glad you liked them. Are you ready for our next stop?”

Akaashi gathered their trash on the table. “As long as it doesn’t end up with me in a body bag, yes.”

“Hmm.” Bokuto rubbed his chin. “You’ve appeased me today with the picture. That particular date will have to wait for another day.”

Akaashi snorted. “Yes, my powerful overlord.” He stood up and held his hand out to Bokuto who gladly took it and intertwined their fingers. “I’ll make sure to keep doing so as long as I have the desire to live.”

Bokuto howled with laughter as the left the shop earning them concerned and annoyed glances from the rest of the customers and staff, but the two were too enamored with each other to notice. They walked for some time chatting and teasing each other, Akaashi not really paying attention to where they were heading, too enraptured in his boyfriend. When he noticed a little river and familiar shrubbery, he pulled away enough to finally take notice of his surroundings.

“Why are we on campus?”

Bokuto jolted a little “Aww! I almost got us there without you noticing. There’s a greenhouse here, remember? I wanted to show you around.”

Akaashi pulled a face. “It’s Saturday, though. How are we going to get in?”

“Well. There’s always breaking and entering.”

“No. Absolutely not. There are no donuts in jail and we haven’t finished Star Wars. Did you have another idea?”

“Good point. I wouldn’t be able to see you in jail either. I guess we’ll have to go with option B.”

“Which is?”

“We could” Bokuto pulled a key from his pocket “use this.”

“What is that?”

“Keiji. I thought you were smart. Surely you know what a key is. You have keys. I’ve seen you use keys.”

“Bokuto-san, I know I’m more intelligent than you, but I thought even you’d comprehend that I was asking if that key went to what you’re insinuating it does.”

Bokuto just grinned and nodded as they entered the main building that lead to the greenhouse.

“Why do you have that?”

Bokuto held a finger to his lips. “I have my ways.”

“I’m not going down for you if we get caught.”

Bokuto gave a hearty laugh, but offered no response. They paused at the door and Bokuto quickly unlocked it and held it open for Akaashi, who apprehensively entered.

He was struck by a wave of heat from it being a greenhouse and then by all the green indoors. More than a greenhouse, it was a miniature indoor jungle. It was much larger than Akaashi had anticipated. Looking around the room had to be the size of a football field, but there were doors leading to other rooms with more plants.

“Wow.” Akaashi breathed.

Bokuto closed the door behind them and came up to Akaashi and hugged him from behind. He rested his head on Akaashi’s shoulder while he took everything in.

“It’s much bigger than I thought it would be.”

“This university has the largest program in the country for this kind of stuff. Their graduate students get to breed plants and conduct experiments, so they have to have a lot of room for it. The professors and students sometimes also raise plants to see for university fundraisers. Think like a bake sell, but flowers and some small plants. The professors, and even some of the graduate students, have done some ground-breaking research so the university has been swimming in grants the last decade or so. This isn’t even all of it.” He pointed to a couple of doors that lead to more greenery. “There’s three more rooms just like this one, plus the club gardens.”

“Impressive. I’ve seen the gardens, but I never knew something so big was hidden away on campus.”

“Most people don’t. Everyone in this department keeps to themselves mostly. Plus, it’s not like college kids are interested in plants” Bokuto shrugged while still hugging Akaashi.

“Maybe they should be” Akaashi whispered. He turned his head and brushed his lips against Bokuto’s cheek. “Can we look around?”

Bokuto kissed Akaashi back and grinned. “I thought you’d never ask.”

They wandered around the first room. Bokuto excitedly explained what some of the plants were and why they were important. Akaashi recognized a few that Bokuto had put in his bouquets. Akaashi marveled at the jungle almost wishing he could live in the greenhouse.

They moved to the next room which was for the graduate students. There were several flowerbeds with signs and urgent “Do Not Touch” signs. Some had explanations that explained the purpose of the study and what the student’s hypothesis was. A few had taken the opportunity to fuse strange plants together to breed a mutant plant. Others were “super breeds” that would stand up to harsher conditions or could grow in a different climate than naturally. Akaashi found it fascinating.

By the time they moved to the third room, Bokuto was absolutely giddy. He pointed to every plant they got close to, told what it was, and then game a fact or tidbit about it. The third room was set up more like a regular garden. It had a very large tree in the middle that stood apart from everything and had benches then flowerbeds bordering it. There were a few tables scattered in the room with various gardening tools and pots of varying sizes. Bokuto lead him to the center tree excitedly.

“There’s the multi-breed cherry blossom that we’ll come see when it blooms. It’s pretty old, but so beautiful. If it weren’t a campus we could sit under and drink sake all day. Although-“

“You’re thinking about breaking in and drinking sake under the cherry blossom when it blooms?”

“Yup! Consider it a date! We could even invite some more people and bring snacks!”

“Bokuto-san, do you break laws often?”

“H-hey!” Bokuto pouted. “Not often. At least not too often.” He avoided Akaashi’s eyes for a moment.

Akaashi chuckled. “Alright. I’m in.”

Bokuto gave a “Whoop” and continued his tour pulling Akaashi to a small flowerbed nearby.  “And over here is a Venus fly trap. You remember that movie I told you about before? The Little Shop of Horrors one?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s what the carnivorous plant looked like, except, you know, huge, alien, and murderous. Man. I loved that movie. Me and mom watched it so much. Well. Until my dad set it on fire.”

“Wha-“

_You said something about a fire?_

He tugged Akaashi away to a table of plants in pots. “And over here is something really cool that you have to see!”

_But fire?_

Bokuto held up a cactus that looked like dreads flowing out of a plant. It was almost viney or like limp noodles about pinkie width flowing from every direction from the soil that couldn’t be seen anymore. Bokuto held the pot in his hands, the body of it brushing against his arms. Akaashi winced at the imagined pain of the thorns digging into Bokuto’s skin, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“What’s so cool about it? It just looks like a cactus to me.”

“Ohoho! You’re just like this baby, though.”

Akaashi eyed the plant with displeasure. Irritation weighing heavy on his forehead.

“Prickly? Unlovable? Unwanted? Capable of intense isolation for months at a time?”

“No! No! No! So, first, it’s not even a cactus. It’s a succulent. He’s not prickly at all. And He’s very lovable and wanted. Go ahead. Grab him.” Bokuto pushed the plant toward him. “Though it can go for some time without attention, so in that regard, yes.”

Akaashi raised an eyebrow in distrust.

“Do you actually know things about plants? Or have you been spouting bullshit the entire time we’ve been here?”

Bokuto rolled his eyes. “Keeiijiii.” He whined firmly. “Just trust me.”

Akaashi reached out, hand stuttering briefly before contact.

_Oh. It doesn’t hurt._

He felt the ridges where the plant raised in its spiked imitation structure. Bokuto grinned as he watched Akaashi with his hand over the plant, gripping it and running his fingers along it.

“It’s a succulent that disguises itself as a cactus. Its commonly called a Red Dragon Flower, but a lot of people refer to it as a Red Dragon Flower Cactus because it looks like a cactus. It blooms this amazing little dark red flower in summer, although it doesn’t look like this guy have any right now. He’s one of my favorites. I actually got to plant a few of him around the green house when I was an undergrad. I have one at home too.”

Akaashi pulled his hand from the plant and looked at Bokuto beaming with pride. He felt a pang in his heart.

“You were right, Bokuto-san. It is cool.”

“Not it. He. I named him.”

“What?”

“I name all the plants I care for or see. His name is Bennigan.”

“You named. All the plants?”

“Yup!” Bokuto beamed and turned to the table behind him. He set the plant down and began moving around with his back to Akaashi. “And,” he called out “you’re going to name one too!”

Akaashi could see him gather a small pot and pour some potting soil in it. He took the clippers and Akaashi could hear him cutting something.

“I’m not very good at-“

Bokuto turned and Akaashi saw that Bokuto had clipped a small part of Bennigan off and placed it in the soil. He extended the pot to Akaashi with a warm smile on his face.

“Here. I’m sure they will be happy with any name you give them.”

“Isn’t it going to die after being cut like that?” Akaashi asked skeptically. He wasn’t going to be responsible for killing Bokuto’s plant. He didn’t want to be a part of Bokuto’s infamous plant funerals that had been alluded to.

Bokuto chuckled and shook his head lightly. “Nope! It does take after a cactus in that way too. Its strong. A little cut like that won’t kill it. You can clip it and replant it and it’ll grow like normal. It’s resilient.”

“Should I be stealing a plant from the university?”

“It’s not stealing, Keiji. As fond as I am of the guy, he’s not a particularly valuable plant. When groups come here for field trips or potential students come, the professors offer them a small plant to take home. One to stare at them and guilt them into committing to the program. You know? Bennigan is one of those plants.”

“I’m not a potential student.”

“No, but you are a student of the university so you’ve paid for it one way or another. Plus, you’re learning an appreciation for plants you’ve never had before. They’d want you to have him. I want you to have him. If the police ever come knocking at your door, I’ll take full responsibility. Promise.”

Akaashi reluctantly took the plant in his hands and admired it. Bokuto moved in closer to him. He reached out and placed one hand on the scar on Akaashi’s thigh and placed the other on Akaashi’s cheek. Surprised and with both hands still grasping the pot, Akaashi could only look up to Bokuto’s eyes. Bokuto leaned in slightly and closed his eyes a couple of inches from Akaashi, waiting to see if Akaashi would accept his advances. Akaashi looked at Bokuto’s lips and moved forward to kiss him. Bokuto could feel Akaashi’s advancement and consent and he eagerly moved to meet Akaashi. His lips were wet and he felt warmer than the heat from the greenhouse. Bokuto kissed him deeply and rubbed Akaashi’s scar. They hadn’t talked about it since that night, but apparently it was still on Bokuto’s mind. Akaashi felt a swelling in his chest followed by tears running down his face.

Startled by the sudden wetness, Bokuto broke away from Akaashi and stared wide eyed and apprehensively at Akaashi.

“Keiji!” Bokuto yelped. His voice was high and panicked. “Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? You can tell me.” Bokuto backed up and examined Akaashi in attempt to find the source of Akaashi’s pain.

Akaashi just shook his head.

In a gentle whisper Bokuto prodded more. “Keiji are you sure? Why are you crying? Please tell me.”

Akaashi shook his head and focused his eyes on the cactus. He didn’t want to tell Bokuto why. He didn’t know if he could. He’d already shared so much this week. Sharing more just seemed impossible. It was too much to ask for.

Bokuto wiped a tear from Akaashi’s face and took the pot with one hand and grabbed the other. He placed the pot on the table and sat Akaashi in the chair. Bokuto leaned down on both knees and held both of Akaashi’s hands in his and looked up at Akaashi with tenderness. The gesture made Akaashi cry out and sob harder. Bokuto just stared at Akaashi, biting his lip and brushing his thumb on Akaashi’s hand, waiting for Akaashi to decide if he wanted to speak. Every so often he’d say something reassuring that Akaashi really didn’t pay attention to, but appreciated Bokuto’s voice and effort nonetheless.

Akaashi let the tears roll down his face for a few moments and worked to steady his breathing. After the initial pressure of emotion was released through tears, and with the gentle coo’s from Bokuto helping to calm him, he managed to clear his head enough to think. He pulled one hand from Bokuto and wiped his face before giving his hand back to Bokuto. With a sigh and a soft smile, he looked at Bokuto’s wide fear-stricken eyes.

“Thank you, Koutarou.”

Rather than looking relieved, Bokuto seemed more stressed than ever. His eyebrows raised impressively high and his mouth gaped slightly, but he made no sound. Akaashi bent down to kiss him. Bokuto clung to his lips like it was the last kiss he’d ever get from Akaashi. He tried to keep from breaking the kiss, but Akaashi pulled back too far. Akaashi looked at Bokuto, who looked tiny and afraid kneeling on the ground. He was grateful for him, embarrassed at what he was feeling, but he refused to let Bokuto sit there in fear.

Akaashi took another deep breath, shook his head viciously, and stared Bokuto in the eyes.

“Thank you. Thank you for making me feel so loved, Koutarou. I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just so overjoyed that I couldn’t keep it in.”

Akaashi felt a heat rising on his face. Bokuto let out a large breath of air and rest his head on Akaashi’s knees. Akaashi could hear him sniff as if he was crying now.

“I-.“ Bokuto choked. He was crying now. “I was so scared. I love you, Keiji.” He raised his head and looked toward Akaashi. He had tears in the corners of his eyes, but his award-winning smile was plastered on his face.

Akaashi ran a hand through Bokuto’s hair and Bokuto nuzzled his hand back, his face strained, but serene. Bokuto stood up and wrapped his arms around Akaashi, kissing him up his neck and across his face as he went, making a big show out of it.

Akaashi whispered in his ear when Bokuto got close. “You could never do anything wrong, Kou.”

Bokuto pulled back to face Akaashi. He looked ready to argue, but Akaashi just kissed him again softly and slowly before he had the chance to speak.

Akaashi broke apart, acutely aware of their surroundings, though there wasn’t anyone there. “Well then,” he cleared his throat before resuming “Was there anything else you wanted to show me?”

Bokuto jumped up, pulling Akaashi up with him.

“Of course, Keiji! We still have one more entire room to look at! Follow me!” Bokuto tugged Akaashi to the last section of the greenhouse.

The last section had a few more exotic plants and some of the professor’s experiments. Akaashi felt subdued as he listened to Bokuto as he explained the plants to him. He tried to store in his memory how Bokuto liked to talk with his hands and how he looked at Akaashi as he talked to him. Akaashi tried to take in the sound of Bokuto’s voice. How it’d raise when he got excited, which was more often than not, and how he shortened certain words or mispronounced some, much like Akaashi’s name. He tried to remember the smell of the greenhouse. The dirt, plants, flowers, water, Bokuto. Akaashi desperately clung to trying to remember everything about Bokuto at that moment that he wound up not focusing at anything at all except for one thought.

_I love him._

Despite the heat radiating in the greenhouse, Akaashi shivered.

_I’ve never loved anyone before. I don’t think I even really love my parents. Not as much as I love Koutarou._

He looked up wide-eyed at Bokuto who was staring back at him expectantly. Akaashi leaned in and kissed him.

“I’m sorry. I zoned out. What did you say?”

Bokuto shook his head. “Nothing. Just asking if you were okay.”

“I’m good. A little tired, I think.”

Bokuto pulled Akaashi into his arms. “We’ve seen all the important stuff here. I’ll walk you home so you can rest.”

Akaashi let himself fall into Bokuto’s embrace, practically melting in his warmth. He nuzzled his face in Bokuto’s neck and whispered. “I’m sorry.”

Bokuto shook his head and pressed it against Akaashi’s. “You have nothing to apologize for. I’m happy anytime we get to spend time together.”

Akaashi hummed in agreement. “I need a nap. After, if you want, we could have dinner and watch the next Star Wars.”

“Hey! Hey! Hey! That sounds amazing Keiji!” Bokuto roughly kissed his forehead.

“Alright.” Akaashi straightened up and looked at Bokuto stoically. “Let’s get out of here before we get arrested.”

Bokuto laughed loudly in response and acted as if he was a secret agent, complete with his own theme music, the entire way back to Akaashi’s apartment, much to Akaashi’s displeasure. When they got to Akaashi’s apartment Bokuto stopped outside the door.

“Do you want to text me when you’re up? I can pick up food on the way back.”

Akaashi frowned. “You’re leaving?”

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Hmm.” Akaashi pursed his lips and gently wrapped his arms around Bokuto’s neck. “But-“ he leaned in, brushing his lips against Bokuto’s ear and whispering, “I was hoping we could cuddle naked for the nap.”

Akaashi pulled back and watched Bokuto turn fifty shades of red and hoot before nodding profusely.

“Good. Come on.”

Akaashi unlocked the door and the two eagerly entered. Bokuto stripped as he entered.

“Bokuto-san?”

“Hmm?” Bokuto muffled as he was tearing off clothing.

“Where should I put this?”

“Ah! Give him a little water and then somewhere that will get a good amount of sunlight!”

Akaashi ran some water in the kitchen before moving out to the main room. Lately, he’d kept his blinds closed, but the was going to have to change so he wouldn’t kill this gift from Bokuto. He decided a top empty shelf on his desk would be best. He could look at it when he studied. He placed it with a soft smile and cracked his curtain for a stream of sunlight before stripping and joining Bokuto in bed.

Bokuto promptly pulled Akaashi in tight and kissed him more freely than he had during the day in public. Akaashi nuzzled him back, trying to commit it all to memory. Bokuto’s warmth. The feeling of Bokuto’s piercings against Akaashi’s skin. The low tone Bokuto had in bed. His rough hands. The way he felt like a home that Akaashi wasn’t familiar with, but wanted to find. He willed these interactions to be the only thing that polluted his mind.

_Is this what happiness feels like? I can’t remember._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The date at the greenhouse was the very first thing I outlined for this story. Without it, there wouldn't have been any story.  
> 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiyoko and Yachi make an appearance. I've aged up Kiyoko to an unspecified age and Yachi is probably early twenties and an undergrad.

_I should’ve killed myself before it came to this._

Akaashi glanced around the station. It was 7am on a Saturday. Not only was it hellishly early, but it was raining. It was a torrential hot summer rain, at that. The air was thick and humid. It was one of those days where no one left the house unless it was an absolute need and even those who did, did so begrudgingly.

_I could’ve been at home getting wet with Bokuto instead of getting wet outside._

He greedily drank his coffee.

_Why am I even here again?_

A tall man with messy black hair and a devilish smirk came striding toward him. The man was around Akaashi’s age and objectively attractive. He wore a tight plain black shirt that showed off his lean torso and tight skinny jeans with bright red sneakers. As he got closer Akaashi could make out black gauges in his ears, straps leading to a backpack, and the devilish smirk transformed into a god-awful shit eating smirk plastered all over the man’s face.

_He’s almost cute when he’s far away and you don’t know its him. Or know him._

Akaashi lowered the cup from his lips and cut a sharp glare at him. An instinctual part of Akaashi imagined extending his arm clutching the coffee and forcibly slinging the hot liquid into his face. Instead he returned the cup to his lips and drank so he wouldn’t have to speak.

“Beautiful you actually came.” Kuroo purred.

The drive to pour coffee on Kuroo spiked again.

“I didn’t really have a choice, did I?” Akaashi spat.

Kuroo tapped his chin and hummed. “There’s always a choice to be made. Sometimes none of the choices are good choices, though.”

Akaashi snorted. “You’re telling me.”

“But today isn’t one of those days! This was a good choice. It’s going to be a good day and you’re not going to regret it. You’ll see.”

_Too late. I already regret this and I’ve only been in your company for approximately forty-five seconds._

Akaashi angrily finished off his coffee. Kuroo smirked at him and walked over to a nearby vending machine. Akaashi checked his phone to ease his irritation. Kuroo had told him to meet him at the station, but had refused to tell him what they were doing or where they were going. Furthermore, Akaashi had to lie to Bokuto for this outing. Bokuto had wanted to reenact his childhood with Akaashi today and watch Little Shop of Horrors and eat junk food since it was raining. Akaashi had to tell him that he was going to his parents for the day. Bokuto had whined, but Akaashi promised him that if it was still raining tomorrow they could still do it.

Still. He’d already lied to Bokuto about many things. He didn’t feel right lying to him about something like this. It felt wrong.

**1 New Message**

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Keiji! Have fun at your parents today! I’m going to miss you! I’ll be praying to the gods that it will rain again tomorrow! Be safe!

Akaashi didn’t care to hide the cheesy smile that was plastered on his face.

_You’re too good to me Bokuto-san._

A can of coffee was shoved in Akaashi’s face, blocking his view of his phone. Startled, he followed the hand holding it out up to Kuroo’s face.

“You look like you’re going to need this. I have snacks too.”

Grateful, but still on guard, Akaashi took it wordlessly.

“Our train is going to be here soon. I already got tickets. It’s a four-hour trip, though. We’ll be switching to the Shinkansen so if you need anything you have ten minutes.”

“Four hours?” Akaashi parroted, his eyebrows raising.

_I have to spend four hours on a train with him? Then four hours back? Eight hours? Plus, whatever we’re going to do? What did I do to deserve this?_

“Yup! That’s partially why I told you to keep the whole day free.” Kuroo offered an attempted genuine smile then added, “Don’t worry. I’m going to keep you well caffeinated and fed all day so you don’t give into that murderous glint I see in your eyes.”

“What are we doing that requires us going four hours out?” Akaashi asked in what he hoped wasn’t a murderous voice. Though the station was dead, there were still a few people who could become potential witnesses.

“We’re getting something we can’t get here.”

“You finally found someone willing to castrate you?”

“Ha. Ha. You wound me.” Kuroo placed his hand delicately over his heart. “We need to get going, though. If we miss this train, we’re not going to have enough time.”

The two fed the machine their tickets and walked to the designated area. There weren’t too many people waiting for this train either. Soon after, their train arrived. Akaashi entered first. Strangely, the car was mostly deserted. He opted for a seat by the door, hoping Kuroo wouldn’t sit near him, who promptly sat right beside him. Akaashi cut his eyes and glared over at Kuroo.

“What?” Kuroo shrugged. “We are on a date, remember?”

Akaashi knocked his head silently on the wall behind his head.

_Why me? Why me god? Is it because I’m planning on killing myself? Is that why? Are you telling me I should’ve done it already? Is this punishment because I’m going to? Don’t you think I already suffer enough?_

Soon enough they got off and switched over to the Shinkansen. Kuroo had reserved them seats beside each other. Akaashi huffily took the inside seat so he could stare out the window and possibly sleep the entire trip. Still praying to the gods for an aneurism, he closed his eyes.

After departing, Akaashi felt Kuroo’s knee press against his, diverting him from his death wishes. He glanced over to see Kuroo with his bag on his lap opened. It was filled with drinks, snack food, and a couple of notebooks.

“You haven’t eaten breakfast, right?” Kuroo held it out toward Akaashi.

 Akaashi peered in and dug out a pack of rice balls. Satisfied with Akaashi getting something, Kuroo closed it back up and stored it under his seat. Akaashi silently ate a rice ball. His head was already beginning to throb from being up and being so agitated this morning.

When he finished, he laid his head back and closed his eyes. Kuroo hadn’t spoken anymore, much to Akaashi’s surprise. He’d been playing on his phone silently so far. Akaashi peeked an eye open to see what he was up to. Kuroo had gotten a pair of head phones out and was now listening to music and playing some game.

_At least he’s going to let me have my peace this morning._

Akaashi closed his eyes again and let his mind drift.

**. . .**

“Akaashi. Akaashi. Our stop is soon.”

_Bokuto-san why aren’t you calling me Keiji?_

A hand was on Akaashi’s face and Bokuto was talking to him.

_No. That’s not Bokuto-san._

Akaashi scrunched up his face and reluctantly opened his eyes. Kuroo was standing over him and lightly tapping his face. Several other passengers were standing and gathering their things. The once mostly empty seats had filled up.

“Why are you touching me?” Akaashi growled.

“Beautiful, I’ve been trying to get you up for five minutes now. You’ve been asleep on me for the last two hours. Didn’t even flinch when I stood up just now.

“No. I don’t believe that.”

Kuroo sighed and pulled out his phone. He tapped a few times and then turned the screen so Akaashi could see. Sure enough, it was a selfie of Kuroo with Akaashi fast asleep on his shoulder. Kuroo had his shit eating grin and Akaashi was peacefully sleeping with a little drool at the corner of his mouth. The sun was shining and lit up their faces causing the picture to have a filter of its own that screamed love and warmth. To a stranger they would’ve looked like an adorable couple.

“Delete it. Now.” Akaashi barked.

Kuroo’s face twitched for half a second. It was too fast for Akaashi to recognize what it meant. Kuroo resumed his usual smirk immediately before responding.

“Mhmm. After the date.”

The speaker overhead made an announced "Arriving at Mayajima. Exit to your right."

"That's us, beautiful." Kuroo purred.

_Mayajima? Osaka? Why?_

Finally off the train, Akaashi followed Kuroo out of the train station much like a prisoner would. The weather here was clearer than Tokyo, though a bit cloudy still. To Akaashi’s relief, there were no torrential downpours. He didn’t want to think about being soaking wet and having to look for shelter with Kuroo who’d probably joke about calling it a day and getting a love hotel until they dried off.

Kuroo pulled his phone out and kept looking back and forth from it, changing direction so often and sometimes backtracking. They were in a strange new city and apparently Kuroo kept getting lost, but he didn’t ask for help. Akaashi followed silently, but angrily considering he just endured a four-hour train ride with Kuroo that he very much hadn't anticipated. Fuming, Akaashi followed blindly for several blocks until they came up to a building. Akaashi looked up, expecting to see their destination or something spectacular enough to justify traveling so far, but his eyes settled on a building like any other in Tokyo, with different restaurants on each floor. Akaashi quirked his eyebrows at Kuroo who'd turned around to look at him.

"Well." Kuroo started sheepishly. "It is a date. And I promised I'd keep you well fed. But most importantly, we still have a couple of hours before we can do what we came here for." Kuroo winced a little as he let out the last part, anticipating backlash.

Akaashi let out an exasperated sigh. "Are you serious? Two more hours?"

_And there's still the four-hour ride back home._

Kuroo nodded, looking a little fatigued himself. "Sorry, beautiful. It's not idea, but otherwise our timing wouldn't have worked out. At least you get free food?"

Akaashi covered his face with his palm and shook his head a few times before walking ahead of Kuroo into the building.

“Which one?” He flatly asked.

“Second floor. Italian.”

Akaashi silently made his way to the restaurant without acknowledging Kuroo’s existence again and with much effort trying not to be rude to the restaurant host.

The two were seated at a table by the window that overlooked the street. Akaashi relaxed a little being able to look out the window and watch people. He wished he'd brought his notebook with him, but he wasn't aware he'd have any leisure time while he was out today. He pursed his lips in a pout, eyes still firmly looking out the window, curiously taking in the movements.

A snicker caught his attention and he sharply cut his eyes and turned to Kuroo's way. Kuroo was digging in his bag, but quickly pulled out one of the notebooks Akaashi had seen earlier and a pen. He held it out across the table, offering it to Akaashi. Akaashi accepted it and looked at it, expecting there to be something written in it dealing with their outing today. When he opened it, however, he found it was a brand-new notebook, entirely blank. He looked back up at Kuroo, the question on his lips.

"Bo talks about you a lot. Since I brought you all the way out here without warning, I was kind enough to pack things that might may the day easier."

Akaashi's face twitched. "Why are you giving this to me now?"

"Ah. You had that look on your face like Kenma does when he really wants to play a game. Didn't think you'd want to write on the train earlier. Too bumpy and I'd be able to see what you write."

"You could've sat away from me."

"No. I really couldn't have." Kuroo rested his chin in his palm and smiled affectionately over at Akaashi.

Akaashi kept his face straight, but opened the notebook up and took up the pen. He began to write while he looked out the window, continuing to ignore Kuroo's existence, stopping only to tell the wait staff his order and eat the bread that was provided. Kuroo didn't seem to mind. He played on his phone while they waited for food. Akaashi would occasionally catch Kuroo peeking over at him with a smirk on his face before typing something on his phone.

"Bokuto-san believes I'm at my parents. You better not tell him where I'm at. I already feel bad for lying to him. Don’t make it worse."

Kuroo let out a snigger before answering. "Don't worry. He's just bored with you at your parents and me out of town. Kenma isn't up to keeping up with Bo's energy and most everyone else is working. He's just moping a bit."

Akaashi frowned and made to grab his phone from his pocket to text Bokuto.

"Don't." Kuroo interrupted. "He'll get too excited and want to video chat you. Then he'll ask to see your home and talk to your parents. When you say no, he'll get depressed and then you'll feel bad. It's a trap. It's best just to pretend you're too busy to text."

"What about you?"

Kuroo let out a sigh. "Sadly, he doesn't quite love me as much as he loves you. He's bored with me." Kuroo winked before smirking again.

"Hm. I can see why." Akaashi picked his notebook back up and continued writing.

Kuroo scoffed in disapproval, but didn't continue the conversation after Akaashi had started writing.

Their food came shortly after. Akaashi closed the notebook and set it on the table. A brief panic washed over him and he looked up quickly to Kuroo. He eyed him with his eyes wide and calculating.

_I don't have a bag to put this in. I have to give it back to Kuroo. What if he reads it?_

Kuroo was in the middle of stirring the pasta he'd gotten. Noticing Akaashi not moving, he looked over at him and surveyed him. Akaashi didn't move or speak, unsure how or if he should voice his concerns.

Kuroo leaned back on his elbow on the table. "You're really cute when you're honestly showing your emotions."

Akaashi's eyes narrowed and he could feel one twitch.

"Don't be annoyed with me." Kuroo continued. "You know you try to hide everything. Just cause Bo doesn't see it, doesn't mean I don't. I'm not going to look at what you write unless you show me. I'm not a complete asshole like you've pegged me to be. I'll carry the notebook and give it back to you when we get back home."

A small pang of guilt cut through Akaashi's stomach, but instead of vocalizing it, he merely nodded and picked up his fork to eat. He'd ordered one of the most expensive things on the menu to be spiteful since Kuroo was paying. Kuroo hadn't even blinked when Akaashi had placed his order so apparently, he was fine with it. One bite in and he really didn't regret it now. Tears formed in the corners of his eyes and he chewed slowly, a light hum coming from the back of his throat. He opened his eyes to find Kuroo smiling over at him, much like Bokuto had the other day at the donut shop, though sans phone.

"You picked well, Kuroo-san." Akaashi muttered before shoving another bite in his mouth.

Kuroo shrugged before taking a bite of his own food. They ate their meal in relative silence. Akaashi was beginning to become uneasy because of the silence. Kuroo always had something to say when they'd seen each other before, granted Bokuto was always there, but still. Akaashi racked his mind as to why Kuroo might be so quiet.

_Maybe he's being. Considerate? Can he even do that?_

Akaashi cocked his head to the side and snuck a glance at Kuroo. Kuroo had bought tickets, brought snacks and a notebook, and had brought Akaashi to eat. Though Akaashi had been drug out against his will, Kuroo hadn't been unkind to him today. If anything, he'd been exceptionally considerate and observational. And Akaashi had been, well, hostile. More so than usual. Another pang ran through Akaashi's stomach causing him to wince a little. He set down his fork and peered over at Kuroo.

_Guilt and a full stomach don't mix._

Steeling himself, he muttered "Thank you, Kuroo-san."

Kuroo's head turned his way and Kuroo observed him with those yellow gleaming eyes. He gave a genuine smile and returned with a "You're welcome".

The wait staff came to ask if they'd like any dessert. Akaashi shook his head no. He'd eaten all his pasta, the bread they'd given them, and he'd snacked on the train. He'd eaten a week's worth of food for him already.

"We'll take an order of the beignets to share, please." Kuroo informed the wait staff before passing the dessert menu back to them. They walked away quickly to place the order.

"Kuroo-san, I can't eat anymore. I might vomit on you if I do." Akaashi miserably informed.

_Normally, it might be tempting, but not today._

"That's a risk I'm willing to take." Kuroo chuckled. "But you do have to at least try them."

Akaashi gave a sigh and drank some water in hopes that he'd feel less full in the short time it took for the beignets to appear at their table. Kuroo took one, dipped it in the chocolate sauce provided and held it out to Akaashi who looked at the plate with eyes that were pools of disdain.

"If you eat one I'll tell you why we're here." Kuroo teased.

Akaashi groaned, but leaned forward to grab a beignet that wasn't in Kuroo's hand. The beignets were amazing too. One bite in and his eyes were watering up again. Akaashi briefly mapped out how much it would cost to visit Italy with Bokuto and eat until they both died.

"You're weird about food." Kuroo observed.

Too much in delight still to answer ruefully, and with eyes still closed, Akaashi gave an honest response. "I don't eat much when I'm on my own. Cooking is too much trouble. Honestly, before Bokuto-san I would barely eat, but he doesn't let me get away with it. Plus, I like to make things for him. He gets so excited over simple foods."

_It’s cute._

"I thought as much. Bo's pretty pushy when it comes to things like that." Kuroo hummed. “He tells me about your cooking too. Apparently for someone who doesn’t eat, you can cook pretty well.”

Finishing his beignet, Akaashi's eyes lingered on the plate, debating if his stomach could handle another one without exploding.

_Well. If I die then at least I won't have to suffer through the four-hour train ride back home._

Akaashi delightfully plopped another beignet in his mouth before turning his attention back to Kuroo.

"So why are we in Mayajima?"

Kuroo shoved a beignet in his mouth, making sure to chew it slowly, before answering.

"We're picking something up." He shrugged.

Akaashi could feel his eye openly twitch now.

"You already told me that this morning. What exactly is so precious that you black mailed me, forced me to lie to Bokuto-san, and then made me suffer through a four-hour train ride to pick up?"

"You're really not going to let the long train ride go, are you?"

"Never." Akaashi gritted his teeth. "Now tell me."

"Do you know what next month is?"

"September?" Akaashi rolled his eyes.

"Congratulations, you know your months." Kuroo smirked. "Do you know when Bokuto-san's birthday is?"

A chill went through Akaashi. He looked out the window in thought, going through every conversation he'd ever had with Bokuto.

_I don't even know when my boyfriend's birthday is._

Panicked he looked back toward Kuroo.

Kuroo laughed openly. "Yeah. I didn't think so. Usually he's really annoying about his birthday, but he's probably holding back so he doesn't make you feel uncomfortable."

"What day is it?"

"The 20th. You still have time to mentally prepare for it. And we're all-" Kuroo pointed to himself and Akaashi and then gestured out to the unknown. "-are going to hold a surprise birthday party for him."

"So we're picking up something for Bokuto-san's birthday today then?"

"Yup! Sure are!" Kuroo leaned back in his chair with a smirk.

Akaashi scrunched up his face. "But what's here that we can't get in Tokyo? And why did I need to come?"

"Well." Kuroo began. "Bo’s a plant freak, right? I did some research awhile back and found some rare plants that he might like from here that we definitely don't have in Tokyo except for maybe some of the universities, but not yours unfortunately. Nowhere that anyone was willing to part with them without paying a lot of money, at least. Needless to say, they’re plants he can’t get his hands on without trouble. There's a university here who I've been emailing back and forth with who has a professor who's seen Bo's work. Some research he did as an undergrad that got published. They agreed to giving Akaashi Keiji two small rare plants to give to Bokuto Koutarou for his birthday." Kuroo leaned back in his chair and placed his hands behind his head and smirked.

_What? What? Published? Bokuto-san? Plants? Giving to who? Me? He did what now?_

"What? Why? I can't do that. I didn't even know Bokuto's birthday until just now."

"You have to. I refuse to acknowledge that we were here today. You did this on your own."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Hmm. Why indeed?" Kuroo purred. He removed his hands from the back of his head and his expression turned more solemn. "Bo's my best friend. You giving him the plants will give him the most happiness. That's all I want for him."

Akaashi stared at Kuroo wide-eyed and confused. He tried to piece together a coherent thought, but words didn't exist in his brain right now.

"There is a catch, though." Kuroo interrupted, or he would have if Akaashi was capable of brain activity at the second. A love confession or a natural disaster probably would’ve let him with more thinking capability.

Akaashi merely blinked in response, too lost still to form a reply.

"You have to keep the plants alive for the next month until Bo's birthday. I'd just kill them. That also means that you'll have to hide them from him somehow."

Akaashi blinked slowly, his mind racing to figure out how he could make that work.

_But Bokuto-san’s been practically living at my apartment for the last couple of weeks._

"I've only ever had the succulent Bokuto-san gave me a couple of weeks ago." He looked down at his lap and picked at his fingers. "I might accidently kill it. I don't know how to take care of things."

_I can't even take care of myself._

"We'll make sure to ask the professor what each plant needs to thrive, but usually they do pretty good with sunlight and water.” Kuroo winks at Akaashi who is still to lost to roll his eyes at him. “Plus, if it's for Bo, surely you can remember to take care of it, right?"

Akaashi nodded. A few moments of silence passed between them. Akaashi still fidgeting and pulling at the skin on his hands.

"Why the whole date thing then? Do you like to make me suffer?"

"Hmm. Yes and no."

Akaashi's eyebrow's furrowed.

"Look. You're exceedingly beautiful and I happen to appreciate your dry sense of humor and coldness toward me. You can't be mad if I want to spend some time with you. If, by chance, you fell for me, then I wouldn't question it. I’d get you and save Bo from someone who was wasn’t serious about him. But, hmm." Kuroo paused fidgeted around a little. "You're ambivalent toward Bo and I don't like it. So, it was also a test of sorts. To see if I can get a glimpse of the real Akaashi Keiji and how he feels about my best bro. And, if you accepted my advances or done anything that showed me you didn’t care about him, then I wouldn't let you near Bo." Kuroo ended with a stern look on his face. It was a bit terrifying considering he usually held a grin of sorts.

“The real Akaashi Keiji?”

“Yup.” Kuroo nodded. “I’ve been watching you for a while now. I think I’ve about got you figured out. You’re not going to fuck over Bo.”

_Clearly, you don’t._

"Why are you so overprotective of Bokuto-san?"

Kuroo's face twitched before he relaxed into his normal smirk. "I'm protective of all my friends."

"I refuse to accept that answer. You don't treat Kenma the way you do Bokuto-san and you two live together."

Kuroo kept his smirk and locked eyes with Akaashi. They stared each other down for a good twenty seconds before Kuroo's eyes shifted down to the table.

"Is it that obvious?" His voice was low.

"The others probably can't tell, but I see it. You mother him."

Kuroo's eyebrows twitch and his jaw clenches as Akaashi speaks the last line. He sighs before looking back up at Akaashi.

"It's one of those things that Bo hasn't told you about yet. Though." He bit his lip and let his eyes wander around the room. "I'm not sure if he will unless it comes up. He’ll pretend nothing happened until he can’t anymore."

Akaashi's eyebrow furrowed. A fear began to well up in his gut.

_Say it._

"Bokuto-san got really nervous when I told him you had stolen my number from him. He asked if you'd told me things that he hadn't told me yet. I trust him. I don't think Bokuto-san is capable of hurting anyone intentionally, but all this mystery is making me uneasy. Is it really something so bad?"

Kuroo looked back at Akaashi. His eyes were a bit watery and red. He gave a soft sad smile.

"No. It's not bad. Not in the sense you’re thinking. It's just one of those things that's hard to talk about. Especially to someone new in your life. Anything Bo keeps from you is because he doesn't want you to worry. Besides," Kuroo deadpans "the guy holds funerals for plants. Do you really think he could do something bad?"

Akaashi shook his head, mostly to himself.

"No. He's not bad." He whispered.

Kuroo gave one of his rare genuine smiles back.

"I still can't take the credit for bringing Bokuto-san these plants that we're supposed to be getting." Akaashi deadpanned with as stern of a voice he could muster.

"Don't be stubborn. I will win this. I want it to be you. You can consider it a reward for not treating Bo like shit. Well. Except for that one month. Which-"

"No, I won't tell you about it." Akaashi interrupted.

Kuroo nodded. "I figured that. At least tell me this: Are you okay? I'm assuming everything between you and Bo are okay since you're dating now and he’s on cloud nine, but normal people don't just disappear for a month at a time and then resurface without a reason."

Akaashi looked back down and pulled at the skin on his fingers. He nodded to himself and took a deep breath. "You're right. I'm. I'm sorry about that. And I'm getting there."

"That's all I need." Kuroo stood up and stretched. "Alright. I'm going to pay and then we can head to the university."

Akaashi settled back into his chair and stole another beignet. He watched out the window until he heard Kuroo and one of the wait staff laughing loudly together. Akaashi glanced over to see what the noise was about. Kuroo was standing ridiculously close to a girl with his hand resting on hers. She was blushing and holding out a small slip of paper with her free hand. Kuroo casually took and blew her a kiss before casually sauntering back to the table.

“You’re shameless.”

“Jealous beautiful? I thought we’d established this wasn’t a real date already? Unless,” Kuroo pulled a smirk, “unless you want it to be?”

Akaashi shook his head. “Your fantasies aside, aren’t you and Kenma dating?”

“Sorry to disappoint beautiful, but no.”

Akaashi felt his eyebrow involuntarily raise. “I didn’t think Kenma would be so comfortable and touchy around someone he wasn’t dating.”

“Well.” Kuroo scratched his face while he looked for the words. “We have a queer platonic relationship for the most part. We’ve been together since we were kids. Honestly, I think I was the only friend he had for a while. We’re not really sexually committed to each other though? We sometimes do sexual favors for each other, but Kenma is asexual so he doesn’t want or need those things often and I don’t ask him for them.”

“Are you trying to tell me Kenma asks you for sexual favors?”

Kuroo purses his lips and nods. “He’s demisexual so he only has attraction to people he’s really close to. I’m the one he’s closest to. Plus, I’m a total hottie.” Kuroo makes an exaggerated wink. “You know he’s reserved. His sex drive is lacking and he’s too busy with school and work. He doesn’t want to put forth the effort to look for someone to share it with and I don’t mind giving him what he wants once or twice a month, if that. My partners know and don’t care either. Kenma’s even had a threesome with us once.”

Akaashi deadpanned. Now he knew Kuroo was lying. “Who would Kenma trust enough to have a threesome with?”

Kuroo stared hard into Akaashi’s eyes, his smirk taking over his face.

“Do you really want to know?”

His eyes were hard and predatory, but he shifted his body so that Akaashi wondered if he was apprehensive too.

Akaashi felt dread take over his whole body. He tried to shrug it off.

_You don’t know. Not really. But, if Kuroo’s being serious, what he’s insinuating is-_

Akaashi shook his whole body side to side in a no. “I don’t want to know. I don’t want to think about you naked.”

“But you’ll think about Kenma naked?” Kuroo purred.

Akaashi paused and considered Kenma as a lover for a moment. They’d have a soft and domestic life together. Akaashi would give him whatever he wanted, no matter what. They’d switch between who topped. They’d always make love when they had sex, not a drive filled fuck. He envisioned lots of biting. They’d be like an old gay couple that wore sweaters and never left the house.

_Wouldn’t be so bad._

Kuroo chuckled. “If things don’t work out with Bo, you might give Kenma a shot. He likes you enough. It could work.”

_Sorry, but I’ll be dead when things are over with Bokuto-san._

“No offense to Kenma, but I don’t see that happening. Let’s go.”

As they walked out, Kuroo made sure to give a wave to the girl he’d been talking to earlier and Akaashi rolled his eyes at him. Out on the street the two resumed their earlier expedition of Kuroo leading while looking back and forth from his phone and Akaashi following silently and looking at his feet. After only a few blocks, Kuroo stopped abruptly. They were standing in front of a coffee shop and Kuroo was looking back at him.

“More coffee? After we stop at the university we’ll head back so this might be the last chance for real coffee.”

“Mhm. Please.”

Kuroo ordered a green tea and Akaashi a black coffee. Akaashi put down money for the order before Kuroo had fully pulled his wallet out.

“I told you I’d pay for everything today.” Kuroo raised an eyebrow, looking amused at Akaashi.

“I can at least pay for this much.” Akaashi shrugged while taking his change from the cashier. The two stepped to the side to wait for their drinks. “Consider it an apology of sorts.”

Kuroo turned his whole body to face Akaashi and looked him up and down. He narrowed his eyes looking for an answer. “Why?”

“Like you said, I’ve treated you like you were nothing more than an asshole from the start, but I was wrong. You’re. Okay.” Akaashi spoke dryly, avoiding eye contact with Kuroo. “I guess.”

_Why are these drinks taking so long?_

“Aww.” Kuroo’s face was lit up with a cheesy grin and his lower lip quivered. “I’ve finally been accepted.” He held his hand over his heart and stared fondly over at Akaashi who shifted to face away from Kuroo. One of the staff called their order for their drinks and Akaashi immediately walked over to pick them both up. He felt arms wrap around his chest and a head nuzzling against his own as he held a drink in each hand, causing him to nearly drop both.  Kuroo whispered in his ear “Thanks. We’re bros for life now”.

“Get off me.” Akaashi grumbled. Kuroo took pried himself from Akaashi and took a precautionary step back as instructed. Akaashi sighed before turning around to hand Kuroo his tea. The urge the pour hot coffee on Kuroo was returning, but not as strong as it had been earlier in the morning.

The two slipped out of the coffee shop and continued their seemingly never-ending trek to the university. Now the two chatted back and forth with Akaashi closer to Kuroo’s side instead of several feet behind him.

“Ah.” Kuroo let out. “Finally. Osaka University.” Kuroo tapped a few times on his phone before raising it up to take a picture. The university was like all the other universities that Akaashi had seen. Big and nice with students littering the grounds. He watched Kuroo tap a few more times on his phone before continuing walking.

They navigated through campus easily enough. Akaashi could tell that great care was given to much of the landscaping of the university. It made sense considering the Botany program here sounded impressive. They entered a building and searched around for the professor’s offices. The professor they were looking for was tenured so she had an office to herself.

Kuroo knocked lightly at room #105. A woman called for them to come in and he opened the door and entered. Akaashi took a deep breath and followed. The room had an L shaped desk in the center of it with a woman sitting behind it. Two very comfortable looking chairs were placed in front of the desk. To the right wall, where the door was, there was a bookshelf from floor to ceiling filled with books. Behind the chairs was a low cabinet with plants of various kinds and a coffee maker. The woman sat facing the left wall where her computer was, typing something. She had long black hair, glasses, and a small beauty mark on her left jaw.

“Pardon the intrusion, Kiyoko Sensei. I’m Kuroo Tetsurou and this is Akaashi Keiji. I’m the one that has been emailing you about the getting Yabutsubaki and Yamagurma plants for Bokuto-san.”

“Ah. Please have a seat.” The woman finished whatever she was typing and swiveled her chair to face the boys. Both bowed before taking the chairs in front of her desk, both sitting on the edge of their seat with their backs ramrod straight.

Looking at her dead on, Akaashi felt the air leave his lungs. She was unfairly beautiful to look at and her voice was soothing like soft rain on the window. She reminded Akaashi of a god. She was too unreal to exist in the same world he resided in.

“I’m glad you two could make it. Did you have any trouble finding the university?”

“Thank you for having us, Sensei. We had no problems. Your instructions were perfect, much like-“ Akaashi elbowed Kuroo in the ribs before he could finish the sentence.

“Thank you for entrusting us with rare plants. Bokuto-san will cherish them, Sensei.” Akaashi interrupted.

“I hope he does. I have to say I’m a little disappointed he turned down a position in our graduate program here.”

The two boys stiffened a little. Akaashi was the first to speak. “I’m sorry to hear that. I wasn’t aware that he’d applied.”

Kiyoko hummed. “We scouted him, actually. He’s done excellent research recently and he’s very passionate about his work. I hear he’s working on something now that I would’ve loved to help with.” She delicately tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

_Recently? Working on now?_

Akaashi rolled the word around in his mouth, unsure how to piece together the thoughts running through his head.

Kuroo cleared his throat. “We’ll be sure to let him know. Oh, but before I forget Sensei, Akaashi here will be taking care of the plants for the next month until it Bokuto’s birthday. Did you have any pointers so he doesn’t accidently kill them?”

Kiyoko covered her mouth and let out a light chuckle. “Water and sunlight will do. I’ll have my intern tell you more. Follow me.”

Kiyoko led the two boys from her office and out the building to a building close by that was the greenhouse. It was impressive and over takingly green and colorful, but Akaashi felt that his own university’s greenhouse was still more impressive.

“Sensei!” a short girl with chin length blond hair calls out and runs up to the group. As she approaches, her eyes land on the two men and she chips. Her posture becomes rigid and she looks both up and down suspiciously before speaking again. “Oh. Who are these two?”

“Yachi these are the two who are picking up the Yabutsubaki and Yamagurma plants you’ve been tending to for me for Bokuto.” She turns to the boys. “Yachi here is an intern, but she feels more like a graduate student to me. She’s been carefully taking care of the plants for me.”

“Oh!” Yachi squealed. “I hope Bokuto-san is doing well!”

_How does she know Bokuto-san?_

Akaashi looked over to Kuroo for an explanation.

Kuroo snorted. “He’ll be glad to hear you remember him.” He reached over and ruffled Yachi’s hair, which earned a pout from her. “I’ll let him know he needs to come visit sometime.”

Akaashi wondered who she was a little more desperately now.

“Please do, Kuroo-san!” She turned to Akaashi. “And you must be Akaashi! It’s a pleasure to meet you! I have to say, I was surprised when I found out Bokuto-san was dating someone. He never seemed interested in seeing anyone before.”

Akaashi’s mind wandered to what Kuroo insinuated earlier and how desperate Bokuto was to date Akaashi at first. A small frown began to spread on his face.

_Something isn’t adding up. Again._

Akaashi tried to contort his face so that he didn’t look pissed. “It’s a pleasure to meet you as well.”

“I need to get back to my office. Yachi, I can trust you’ll take care of them for me?” Kiyoko interrupted.

“Of course, Sensei!” Yachi enthusiastically exclaimed. “But. Have you eaten lunch yet, Sensei?”

Kiyoko shook her head. “I’ve been working on editing my research for submission all morning.”

Yachi tutted before responding, “I’ll bring you lunch when I’m done here and you’re taking a break.”

“Alright.” Kiyoko gave a soft smile before turning to walk away. She called over her shoulder, “Give Bokuto my regards” as she left the building.

Akaashi turned from watching her back to where Yachi was. Kuroo had her in a headlock and was rubbing his fist into her head. She giggled and held her hands up in surrender.

“What was that glare when we came in? Did you forget about me?”

“No! No.” She uttered between giggles. “I just saw Sensei being followed by two gorgeous unfairly tall men and I panicked! I’m sorry!”

Kuroo let go and stepped away. Yachi quickly ran her hands through her hair to fix it.

“How’s that going anyway? Any closer to her?”

Yachi rubbed the back of her head. “Ehh. Not really. She treats me like a child still.”

“But she lets you boss her around?” Kuroo pushed.

Yachi grinned. “Maybe I’m making progress. Nothing groundbreaking though. By the time I graduate I will have managed at least one date with her.”

“Atta girl.” Kuroo chuckled. “Akaashi you can stop giving me that look now.”

Akaashi relaxed his eyebrows he didn’t realized he’d had furrowed.

“My apologies. You know each other?”

Yachi nodded vigorously and added “Bokuto-san too!”

“Yeah. These nerds used to cause trouble at conferences. Like these nerd lecture series where students can present the work they do. Some of the science classes require it and there’s only so many a year, but the more you present at, the better it looks for graduate school. These two got placed beside each other one year and, naturally, Bo chatted her ear off. The two got too riled up and became buddies. I came to a few to support Bo and that’s how we met. She nearly murdered me when I tried to hit on Kiyoko.” Kuroo howled with laugher at the memory.

“You’re not deserving to be in her presence!” Yachi countered before turning her attention back to Akaashi. “How long have you known Bokuto-san?”

“We only met a few months ago.”

“Ohhh.” Yachi hummed and looked toward Kuroo asking a silent question. He gave a subtle shake of his head in response and Yachi turned back to Akaashi with a grand smile. “Well I’m glad you two met! Bokuto-san must really like you if you’re dating!”

Akaashi gave a little huff.

“I really hate being left out of the loop here.” He admitted.

Kuroo rubbed the back of his head. Yachi took one of Akaashi’s hands and squeezed it. “Sorry Akaashi-san. I honestly don’t know all the details myself, but it’s something you have to talk to Bokuto-san about yourself.”

_The amount of loyalty Bokuto-san has from his friends is amazing. And supremely frustrating and cult-like._

Kuroo pulled out his phone. “Yachi. We need to head out soon. We have a train to catch.”

“Right!” Yachi yelped and let go of Akaashi’s hand. “They’re over here, ready for you.” She led them to a table nearby that had two small plants in pots. Both were under a foot tall and had healthy green leaves covering them. “This one,” Yachi pointed to the one with more round leaves, “is the Yabutsubaki. It will be a tree. The other is the Yamagurma and it’s a plant. Both need lots of sunlight. The Yabutsubaki isn’t sensitive to temperature, but the Yamagurma is.” She reached down for a box and placed it on a nearby stool before placing each plant inside. “Water them with room temperature water. There’s no precise measurement, just keep the soil wet, but not muddy or sloshy. The train ride might give them a little shock, so make sure to give them water and light when you get home. They may lose a couple of leaves, but they’ll be fine after a few days. If they start looking sickly, email me. Bokuto-san will know how to take care of them properly when he gets them.”

Akaashi nodded vigorously along with her instructions while Yachi closed the box and passed it to Akaashi.

“Thank you for your advice. I hope I can keep them healthy until Bokuto-san’s birthday.”

Yachi gave him a big smile. “Somehow, I think they’ll make it. If you get worried, send me pictures. Kuroo-san has my email.”

“Thanks, Yachi.” Kuroo purred.

“Yes. Thank you, Yachi-san. Bokuto-san will be delighted, I’m sure.” Akaashi added.

Yachi beamed. “You’re welcome! Now get home safely! I’m going to go pine over the unrequited love of my life while she eats!”

The trio laughed and said their goodbyes. Kuroo navigated them back to the station and bought them tickets. The staff inspected the box and Akaashi thought he was going to pass out in fear of them telling him he couldn’t bring it on the train, but they waved him along.

They managed to snag another empty row on the Shinkansen. Akaashi placed the box between his feet on the floor in hopes it would be jostled the least there. Kuroo sat beside him and sighed heavily when the train took off.

“Man. What a day.”

Akaashi hummed in agreement, exhausted. Now that there weren’t other things to distract him, his mind raced through the little bits of information he’d picked up throughout the day.

“What’s on your mind, Akaashi?”

Akaashi frowned and furrowed his eyebrows.

_Kuroo-san is too observant._

He remained silent for a moment before responding. “I don’t know very much about Bokuto-san.”

Kuroo hummed. “That’s okay. You’re still getting to know each other. And, although the dude wears his heart on his sleeve, he keeps a lot of things hidden really well. You’d have to already know to ask about them.”

Akaashi’s frown deepened.

“But!” Kuroo continued. “I think that if you ask him the right questions, he’ll answer you. He cares for you a lot Akaashi.”

“Thank you, Kuroo-san. And thank you again for arranging this whole thing. Though I still don’t feel right about taking credit for it.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’re bro’s now. It’s what bro’s do.”

Akaashi arched his eyebrow. “You’re not going to be overly protective of me now, are you?”

Kuroo snorted and smirked. “Already am, beautiful. Already am. Had the death threat talk with Bo the same time I did with you.”

_Weirdo._

“Can I have my notebook back?”

“Mhm. Sure.”

Kuroo dug in the bag and handed Akaashi the notebook. Akaashi brought one knee up to rest the notebook on and began writing, not caring to turn away from Kuroo. A few minutes in and Kuroo’s hand appeared in Akaashi’s peripheral. Akaashi looked over to see Kuroo offering one of his earbuds. Akaashi muttered a small “thank you” and took it. The ride home was peaceful. Akaashi asked some about what Kuroo had planned for Bokuto’s party, about their day, and Kuroo showed Akaashi some of his favorite songs.

When they finally arrived back in Tokyo, Kuroo walked Akaashi home since he was still carrying the box of plants.

“Ah.” Kuroo hummed as he unlocked Akaashi’s apartment door for him. “Now I know what door to break down when Bo doesn’t answer his phone.”

Akaashi let out a deep sigh. “I’ve made a terrible mistake.” He walked the box to the main room and set it on the bookcase while Kuroo waited in the entryway. He walked back to Kuroo who was smirking.

“Well, beautiful. It’s the end of our date and you’ve let me into your apartment. What do you want to do now?” He gave a wink.

“Mmm.” Akaashi hummed and in a low seductive voice he asked, “Do you want to know what I’ve wanted to do to you all day?”

Kuroo’s eyes glimmered with delight. “What beautiful?”

Akaashi reached out and stroked Kuroo’s cheek delicately. “Pour scalding hot coffee on you.” He purred. “Now give me my notebook and get out. I’ve already wasted my entire day with you.”

“Aww, man!” Kuroo cried and ran his hands through his hair. “Alright, alright.” He pulled his bag around and fished out the notebook Akaashi had been using.

“Thank you, Kuroo-san. Please have a safe trip home. Don’t talk to me for at least a week.” Akaashi deadpanned.

Kuroo chuckled. “Yeah, yeah. Thanks for not murdering me today. I know it took a lot of self-control. I’ll text you with more details for Bo’s party.” He paused and bit his lip briefly looking over Akaashi’s face before turning away and waving over his shoulder as he left.

_Was that? No way. I’m just tired._

Akaashi let out a sigh of relief and locked the door.

_Being with people for an extended amount of time is exhausting._

He padded over to the main room and carefully removed the plants from their box and watered them. He stole the lamp from his desk and placed it by the plants for some improvised light before stripping and getting into bed with phone in hand.

He wanted to send out two messages. The first was to Kuroo.

**[Akaashi]** : Thank you again for setting things up today. Bokuto-san is going to love it.

Kuroo messaged immediately back.

**[Kuroo]** : np

**[Kuroo]** : [Image Attached]

Akaashi opened the picture, a part of him fearing it was the picture Kuroo had taken of Akaashi asleep on the train earlier. He opened the picture to see the same picture, but with a heart now drawn on the screen with both their faces inside it.

_When did he even have time to add the heart? He’s probably not even home yet._

**[Akaashi]** : Delete that.

**[Kuroo]** : Nope! I said I would after our date, but we never had a date!

**[Kuroo]** : not a real date at least

**[Kuroo]** : it’s going to be my background now

**[Kuroo]** : Good night beautiful! ヾ(=`ω´=)ノ”

Akaashi shook his head and backed out of their conversation knowing it was a fruitless battle. He composed a message for Bokuto.

**[Akaashi]** : I’m just now home from my parents. As usual, it was exhausting. Sorry I didn’t message you all day. I missed you, though. Let’s spend all day together tomorrow.

Akaashi laid back and immediately began drifting off to sleep.

_I really don’t know much about Bokuto-san._

_I’ll have to ask him questions tomorrow._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yachi, internally: Sensei! You're here! You look so ravishing today!  
> *sees Akaashi and Kuroo*  
> Yachi, internally: Who the hell are these men following my goddess around?? Has she finally accepted a marriage offering???  
> *internally gets down on knees and cries before standing back up to fight for Kiyoko's hand in marriage*


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***REREAD THE TAGS***  
> TW: *Talk of past rape, *talk of minor or background character(s) death, >more sexy time  
> I put a "nice" summary of what you need to know in the end notes if you rather not read any of that.
> 
> As per usual, I'm sorry.
> 
> Wooo! This chapter marks my goal word count!!! And we’re not halfway done!! Enjoy! ^-^

Akaashi awoke early, which was no surprise since he passed out immediately after Kuroo left. He came to laying on his stomach with his phone still clutched in his hand off to the side. Groaning, he pulled himself up. His body ached as if he’d slept in that position all night. Body creaking, he blearily rubbed his eyes and looked over to the plants he and Kuroo had fetched yesterday. The lamp illuminated them in the dark and made the greens pop vibrantly. Akaashi couldn’t help but to smile. He stretched briefly, his back popping an unnerving amount, before prying himself from bed and padding other to the plants. He turned off the lamp and opened the blinds for real sunlight for them and for the succulent Bokuto had given him, which he still hadn’t named.

The day was grey and wet, but the foreboding sky hadn’t let go of its rains yet. It was one of those days that it was going to be grey and dreary and raining all day. Internally, Akaashi rejoiced.

_Bokuto-san will be pleased._

He walked over to the kitchen and filled a cup with water and watered all his temporary new plants. It was weird, having something that he had to take care of, but it was a nice weird and he felt accomplished after doing the simple task.

_Maybe I need to start working again. Accomplishments are nice._

He stretched some more before returning to his phone. He’d fallen asleep without checking to see if Bokuto had responded to him at all or if he was going to come over today.

**7:15AM**

**10 New Messages**

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** You.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Missed Me????

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** σ(≧ε≦σ) ♡

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** kjdskfksdfj. I think I just died.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** No. I know I did.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Ah! But I’m sorry seeing your parents was so exhausting!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I’d love to spend all day with you! Just let me know when you’re up!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Keeiijiii? Did you fall asleep already?

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Good night. ☆⌒ヽ(*'､^*)

Akaashi silently chuckled at Bokuto before replying.

**[Akaashi]:** Sorry. I did fall asleep. I’ve got a couple of things I need to do this morning and then you can come over. I’ll let you know when I’m done.

_Now. Where can I hide these plants? What is the best method to pry into Bokuto-san’s past?_

He gathered some clothes and walked off to the bathroom to shower and relieve his aching body, mind searching for the best possible solutions.

_Balcony or closet for the plants, weather pending. Sex and booze for Bokuto-san. That should work, right?_

Satisfied with his conclusions, Akaashi hopped in the shower.

Fresh from the shower, Akaashi tidied up the apartment before setting out. He walked to the convenience store nearby and bought as much beer as he thought his reusable bag could manage without busting and splaying beer all over some poor unsuspecting surface. Tanaka-san was working this morning. He acknowledged Akaashi, but didn’t indulge in small talk as he seemed too tired to function still.

Back in his apartment, Akaashi checked the weather for the day. Rain was coming back in and with it, wind. He made room in his closet for the plants for the day and securely shut the door. Preparations complete, he checked his phone to see if Bokuto had responded.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Good morning!!!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** I can help with errands!

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Boyfriends exist to carry things! ╰(▔∀▔)╯

**[Akaashi]:** Thank you, but I’m done now.

**[Akaashi]:** Have you had breakfast yet? I can make you something.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** !! I haven’t! I’ll head over now!

**[Akaashi]:** Don’t forget to bring the movie.

**[Bokuto Koutarou]:** Thanks for the reminder! ^-^;

Akaashi went to the kitchen and turned on some music. Yesterday Kuroo had shown him the new Oral Cigarettes album and Akaashi liked it enough to download it. He frowned as it played. The low-quality sound coming from his phone didn’t do the music justice.

_It’d be nice to have a real speaker if I’m going be spending more time in the kitchen. Maybe I can pick one up this week and make dinner for Bokuto-san._

He set to work making breakfast. He’d finally worked through most of the food Oikawa and Iwaizumi had bought so he didn’t have the ingredients to make a large breakfast. Instead, he decided on rice omelets, soup, and some various pickled sides he still had in his fridge. Akaashi was searching for dishes when there was a knock at his door.

“Come in.” He called.

Bokuto peeked around the door and waved before entering. His hair was plastered soaking wet and he was only in a t-shirt and jeans that were also dripping wet.

_Ah. I didn’t hear the rain start._

Instinctively, Akaashi looked out the window and then back to Bokuto.

“Did you really just walk here in the rain without a jacket or umbrella?” Akaashi raised his eyebrow.

“It wasn’t raining hard when I left! I thought it’d be okay!” Bokuto whined. “I actually like being out in the rain.” He shivered a little from being wet.

“Go shower and warm up. I’ll find you some clothes.”

“Ah! But it’ll be okay! I don’t want the food you made to get cold!”

Akaashi walked up to Bokuto, who was still dripping water in the entry way, and gave him a soft kiss on the lips.

“Your lips are cold. Go shower. You’ll get sick.” He sternly commanded.

Bokuto leaned in and stole a kiss from Akaashi. “Awwww. Alright” he surrendered before taking off his shoes and moping over to the bathroom, leaving the door cracked.

Akaashi worked to find some clothes that would fit Bokuto while Bokuto was presumably racing to take the world’s fastest shower. The thought of water dripping down Bokuto’s muscular body ran through his mind involuntarily.

_Joining him might be a good way to start the day._

Akaashi checked the time as he pulled out some sweatpants and a large shirt for Bokuto. It was only 9ish and he wanted to make Bokuto real comfortable before he started prying into dark depths of secrets that Bokuto pretended didn’t exist. Akaashi silently slipped into the bathroom and undressed. Bokuto was humming a tune to himself, completely unaware that he was being stalked as prey. Akaashi pulled the shower curtain back a little to assess the situation.

Bokuto had his eyes closed and was facing the shower head. Water was running down his front and steam was billowing around him. He was still humming some imaginary song that played only in his head with a big smile on his face as he lathered soap across his body.

_Who stands facing the shower head?_

Akaashi took another look at the water dripping down Bokuto’s body and bit his lip.

_This was the best idea._

He slung the shower curtain open loudly. Startled, Bokuto squealed and rushed to cover his crotch and pecks. Akaashi raised his eyebrow at him to ask why he’d cover himself like a woman, but Bokuto began babbling away.

“Keeiiijii! I thought you were a murderer! Or going to prank me or something! Was I taking too long?” he paused and seemed to remember something. “I didn’t mean to use your soap! It just that I was already in the shower and normally when I shower I use soap. I mean. Everyone uses soap. At least I hope. I don’t know too much about places outside of Japan. Or other people’s hygiene regimes, I guess. Oh! But then I realized that if I used your soap then I could smell like you and then before I knew it, I already had it in my hands and-”

Akaashi snorted. “Move over.”

Bokuto backed up a bit and Akaashi stepped into the shower with him. He immediately wrapped his arms around Bokuto and rested his head against Bokuto’s wet chest and ever so slightly rubbed his face over it.

“Uhhh. Keiji? What are you doing?”

Akaashi looked up, his chin pressing into Bokuto’s chest still.

“Do you always face the shower head?”

“Uh. Yeah? That’s how you’re supposed to do it right?” Bokuto started running his hand up and down Akaashi’s back.

Akaashi narrowed his eyes.

“Literally no one does that, Bokuto-san. You know this only helps my theory that you’re going to murder me one day.”

“Ack!”

“I’ll help wash your back.”

“Uh. Okay?”

Akaashi relinquished his grip and twirled his finger around for Bokuto to do the same. Bokuto gave a puzzled look, but turned around anyway. Akaashi grabbed the soap, something fancy that Oikawa had bought when he’d invaded, and lathered it between his hands before gently massaging Bokuto’s shoulders. Bokuto melted at the impromptu massage. Akaashi leaned forward and kissed the back of Bokuto’s neck before putting more pressure on Bokuto’s shoulders.

“Mhmnn. Keiji. I really wish I’d known you when I still played volleyball. Between your sets and massages, we would’ve been invincible.”

Akaashi let out a light chuckle and Bokuto groaned more as Akaashi put more pressure and moved down Bokuto’s back.

“I’m serious, Keiji. Your sets are perfect for me. They’re almost as perfect as you are.”

Akaashi pressed hard into a knot in the middle of Bokuto’s back.

“Owowowow!”

“You’re just trying to guilt me into playing volleyball again.”

“No!” Bokuto shrieked entirely too loud for the echoey bathroom.

Akaashi kneaded his knuckle into the small of Bokuto’s back resulting in Bokuto yelping entirely too loud again.

“Okay! Maybe a little! We should spend all our time playing volleyball. It’d be great!”

Akaashi only hummed in response and continued to gently massage Bokuto’s back.

“You’re just so amazing with your hands! You’re one of the best setters I’ve ever played with! With a bit of training, you’d easily be the best!”

> 

“Is that so?”

Akaashi rested his chin on Bokuto’s shoulder and pulled his own body flush with Bokuto, looping both hands around Bokuto’s body. One hand snaked upward to Bokuto’s nipple and the other snaked down and grasped Bokuto’s half erect cock. Bokuto let out a little gasp as if the thought that Akaashi may have joined him in the shower for things other than to wash his back hadn’t occurred to him. Akaashi stroked him a few times while playing with his nipple. From the corner of his eye, he could see that Bokuto had his eyes closed and was biting his lip.

_Bad._

“Breathe Koutarou.”

Akaashi moved his hands to Bokuto’s hips and massaged a second before wrapping his hands around Bokuto’s waist in a hug. Bokuto let out a little breath but remained tense. Akaashi tiptoed and plastered kisses along Bokuto’s cheek and neck in attempt kiss away whatever was bothering Bokuto. Bokuto’s eyes fluttered open and he turned in Akaashi’s arms, embracing him and pulling him flush with his body as he backed up to lean against the shower wall. Akaashi gave him a few more affectionate kisses before Bokuto pulled him in tighter and rested his face in Akaashi’s neck.

_Really bad._

“How do you always know when something’s wrong?” Bokuto mumbled into Akaashi’s skin.

Akaashi ran his hands through Bokuto’s hair. “I told you. You’re like an open book.”

Bokuto gave a half-hearted laugh. “That’s not true for everyone.”

_Past relationship?_

Akaashi squeezed Bokuto tightly. In a soft voice while caressing Bokuto’s back, he replied. “Hey. Why don’t we finish rinsing off and eat breakfast? Does that sound good?”

Akaashi felt Bokuto’s cock twitch against his body.

“Rinse, play, then eat?” Akaashi corrected.

Bokuto squeezed him again. “Well. Uh.”

Akaashi ran his tongue over Bokuto’s ear.

“It’s okay. Just not from behind. I uh…” Bokuto trailed off.

“I wasn’t going to ask if I could top, Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto jolted slightly in Akaashi’s arms.

“It. It’s not. That. If you wanted that. That’d be okay. Just.” He trailed off again.

Akaashi could feel Bokuto’s breathing picking up in his uneasiness. Akaashi rubbed his back in hopes to allow some comfort to whatever was triggering Bokuto. He tried to hide the intense frown beginning to take shape on his face.

Bokuto took a deep breath before continuing in a rushed quiet voice. “Justnotintheshower. I can’t.” He let out a little soft whine. Akaashi gave a soft kiss on his temple and Bokuto blurted out “Sorry!” in response.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Akaashi murmured. He nudged Bokuto’s face from hiding and pressed their foreheads together. “You haven’t done anything wrong. There’s no need to apologize. I should’ve asked first. I’m sorry.”

Bokuto squawked. “Keiji please don’t ask anytime you want to grab my dick, just please do it! I don’t think there’s any other sit-“

Akaashi firmly wrapped his hand around Bokuto’s cock and was stroking it. Bokuto’s face immediately relaxed and he bit his lip again, but not in worry. Akaashi ran his free hand through Bokuto’s wet hair again and leaned forward to bite Bokuto’s neck.

As if he were doing something boring like homework, Akaashi inquired, “Koutarou, you were saying something?”.

“Mhhmnng. My Keiji has magical hands.” Bokuto dreamily replied.

Akaashi pulled his hands from Bokuto and turned around. He pressed his ass against Bokuto’s cock and rubbed against it while taking one of Bokuto’s hands and running it down his stomach to grasp his cock.

“Just hands, Koutarou? I’m offended.”

Bokuto stroked Akaashi and rubbed back against his ass, making sure to bite Akaashi’s neck hard. Akaashi groaned and quivered to Bokuto’s touch.

“Magical all over.” Bokuto hummed as he thrust against Akaashi’s ass, causing Akaashi to moan in response.

“Koutarou,” he grabbed Bokuto’s hand that was still stroking his dick and moved it to grope his ass then to his entrance, “will you fuck me?”

Bokuto gasped and stood there stunned for approximately three seconds until Akaashi pressed his ass against Bokuto’s hand. Bokuto pressed against his entrance with one finger before rubbing around it, teasing Akaashi. Just as Akaashi thought Bokuto was going to insert a finger, both of Bokuto’s hands moved to Akaashi’s hips and Bokuto sank to a crouching position. Confused, Akaashi furrowed his brow and started to turn his head to scowl at Bokuto when he felt Bokuto pull Akaashi’s cheeks apart slightly and press his mouth against his entrance.

Akaashi didn’t even try to hold back the loud moan that erupted from his lips. He could feel his cock throbbing in response to Bokuto’s tongue lapping over his hole.

_Holy fuck._

Akaashi instinctively spread his legs for further access and flung both hands out against the shower wall to stable himself. Bokuto licked reverently at Akaashi.

“Kou” Akaashi gasped in-between breaths. “Mng. Koutarou.”

Akaashi could feel Bokuto smirk before he shoved his tongue inside Akaashi’s ass.

“Aaaaagh! Kou!” Akaashi cried out. His legs were beginning to feel wobbly. His cock was yearning to be touched. He could feel the precum sticking to it through the shower water. Akaashi bit his lip. He wanted to touch himself, but he didn’t know if he could remain standing with only one hand on the wall to support himself. Bokuto continued to shove his tongue in and out of Akaashi’s ass. He could feel his orgasm bubbling up even without his dick being touched.

Akaashi was gasping by this point. He bucked his hips back to Bokuto’s mouth and forward to get some friction on his dick. Bokuto pulled away from Akaashi, much to Akaashi’s displeasure, and stood back up, placing a few soft kisses on Akaashi’s back before bringing one hand back down and gently inserting a finger into Akaashi. Akaashi groaned at the sensation and pressed his hips back onto Bokuto. Bokuto quickly added a second finger and started to stretch the ever growing impatient Akaashi. Feeling Akaashi trembling slightly, Bokuto wrapped an arm around Akaashi’s waist to help support him.

“Keiji.” Bokuto murmured and nipped at Akaashi’s back. “I didn’t bring a condom into the shower with me. Even if I did, it would be rough cause water isn’t like lube. What do you want? I’ll do whatever you want.”

Akaashi bucked his hips back onto Bokuto’s hands, managing to brush his prostate. Akaashi groaned loudly and pulled away from Bokuto. He turned and pressed his back against the shower wall, pulling Bokuto in against him into a deep kiss. They both groaned in each other’s mouths as the dicks brushed up against each other.

“Fuck me, Kou.” Akaashi panted, dangerously close to orgasm.

Bokuto whined into Akaashi’s neck. “Keiji, if you talk like that to me, I’m going to cum all over myself.”

“Koutarou, you had me about to spill out everywhere with your mouth. Now fuck me before I beg for that again.”

“But-“

Akaashi smoothed Bokuto’s hair and gave a soft smile. “It’s okay. I trust you.”

_You’re worried about long term consequences. I don’t have to worry about those._

Bokuto kissed Akaashi roughly again before looping an arm under one of Akaashi’s legs and lining his glistening cock up to Akaashi’s hole. Akaashi could feel his heart beat rapidly and his was gasping to match. Bokuto looked back up to Akaashi.

“Please, Kou. I want this.”

Bokuto placed his other hand on Akaashi’s hip and pressed the head of his cock in. It was tight and hurt a little. Akaashi hadn’t let Bokuto stretch him all the way and he could definitely tell the lube was missing, but it was Bokuto’s raw cock inside him. Akaashi moaned and slowly lowered himself on Bokuto’s cock until he’d engulfed the whole thing. He could feel Bokuto’s cock pulse in eagerness inside of him and Bokuto shifted slightly, brushing Akaashi’s prostate. Akaashi let out another loud moan. He clenched around Bokuto and panted for breath. Bokuto mumbled praises about how good his little Keiji felt and how he was doing so good.

“Kou, if you move, I’m going to cum. Please give me a second.”

Bokuto nodded and took several deep breaths of his own before checking in. “Hurt?” he tentatively questioned, sounding unsure if speaking was too much for Akaashi right now.

Akaashi closed his eyes and rested against the shower wall taking slow deep breaths, trying to think about anything other than how enthralling Bokuto’s dick felt inside him right now. He listened to Bokuto’s breathing and took note of the water that was slowing starting to lose some of its warmth.

_How did I never like sex before Koutarou?_

Akaashi wrapped his arms around Bokuto’s neck. “Mhmm. Alright. You can move. Slowly.”

Bokuto squeezed Akaashi’s hip before pulling his hips back and slowly thrusting forward. Within a few thrusts both were panting again.

“Keiji. I. Want. To. Pick. You. Up.” Bokuto grunted in-between thrusts.

Akaashi tightened his grip on Bokuto’s shoulders and Bokuto laced his other arm under Akaashi’s standing leg. Bokuto pressed Akaashi’s back against the wall for support and Akaashi wrapped his legs partially around Bokuto’s waist. Akaashi leaned forward to kiss Bokuto quickly while Bokuto pumped into Akaashi gently and kissed him back in a daze. When Akaashi leaned back Bokuto began pounding into him, causing Akaashi to cry out.

“God! Kou! Mnnngh!” Akaashi moaned enough for the neighbors to hear. He scratched at Bokuto’s back and felt his legs tensing against Bokuto’s arms and waist. Bokuto shifted slightly and brushed against Akaashi’s prostate. Akaashi moaned out “God, yes. Right there Kou.” before quickly grasping his own cock and rapidly stroking it.

Seeing Akaashi furiously touching himself sent Bokuto over the top. Bokuto pounded Akaashi a few more times before letting out a low moan and spewing semen in Akaashi’s ass. Akaashi felt his vision blurring and himself coming hard at the sensation of Bokuto orgasming inside him. Akaashi felt his own semen squirt up and land on his chest before the shower water washed it away. Bokuto slowly thrusted them through their lingering orgasms before slowly lowering Akaashi to one leg and pulling out before helping Akaashi’s other leg reach ground again.

< 

Akaashi slowly sank back against the shower wall, panting and trying to come back down to reality. His legs were absolutely Jell-O and not bone and flesh at this point. He let his eyes flutter open and shut a few times, still lost in his orgasm. Bokuto grabbed his hips to help hold him up and kissed him.

“Koutarou. I think I died. You finally did it. You murdered me. Be sure to take my plant when you wipe my apartment of all evidence you existed.”

Bokuto chuckled. “Was it a good murder?”

“The best.” Akaashi closed his eyes and rested against the shower wall.

Bokuto gave him a quick peck before resuming the song he’d been humming before Akaashi had joined him and reapplying soap to his and Akaashi’s body, or at least the front side of Akaashi because Akaashi still hadn’t moved.

“The funeral people will wash me before the funeral. You don’t have to do it.” He groaned.

“I have to make sure I’m not leaving any DNA behind!” Bokuto squawked.

Akaashi chuckled. “There’s a lot in my ass.”

Bokuto rubbed his hand along Akaashi’s ass cheek. Akaashi jerked away with a newfound blush across his face.

“No! No way! You can sex my ass, but you’re not going to wash it! Too weird!”

Bokuto cajoled at Akaashi’s ridiculousness.

“I’m serious, Bokuto-san. If you’re done, please leave. I don’t want cum dripping from my ass later and you’re not going to watch me wash myself.”

“Mmm. But if you leave it there I can eat it out later.” Bokuto purred.

Akaashi let out a soft horny gasp and peeked one eye open.

“I used to think you were a sweet innocent boy.”

“I am a sweet boy. Not everyone would offer to eat ass like I do.” Bokuto smirked and gave Akaashi Eskimo kisses before hurriedly hopping out the shower before Akaashi could halfheartedly chunk a bottle at him.

Gingerly, Akaashi un-plastered himself from the shower wall and finished washing himself before all the warm water was entirely gone. When he opened the shower curtain, Bokuto had already left the bathroom to give him the required privacy. He redressed in the clothes he had earlier and attempted to straighten his hair some.

When he exited the bathroom, Bokuto was in the kitchen. He’d started some water for tea, had the omelets reheating in a pan, and was searching the kitchen drawers for something. Akaashi walked up to him and hugged him from behind, resting his head on Bokuto’s broad back, just as Bokuto pulled something from the drawer with a little “Aha!”. There was a little pop and the sound of pills draining out the bottle and then back into it with a click.

Bokuto patted Akaashi’s arm gently. “You’re probably going to want this. I put water on to boil, so tea will be done soon.”

Akaashi relinquished his grasp on Bokuto and took the pain relievers from him. He casually popped the pills in his mouth and chewed before turning to the stove to check on the heating omelets.

“Ack! Did you just?” Bokuto sputtered looking as if he just witnessed an exorcism.

Still chewing on the pills, Akaashi turned and hummed with an eyebrow raised.

“Sometimes, you’re terrifying Keiji.” Bokuto whispered. “And this goes with my theory that you’re the real murderer among us.”

Akaashi snorted and flipped the omelets. “If I wanted to murder you, I would’ve done it a long time ago.”

“Oh yeah?” Bokuto preened. “You can say that even after I had you crying out my name earlier?” He raised an eyebrow and winked at Akaashi, earning a quick swat with the spatula.

In his flat, uninterested tone, Akaashi replied. “Fortunately for you, I like to play with my food. At least until it stops amusing me.”

Bokuto gulped.

Akaashi took the omelets off the stove and poured cups of tea for them calmly and serenely. Passing a cup to Bokuto, he purred, “Come on. Let’s eat.” before brushing his lips across Bokuto’s cheek and walking past him into the main room.

“Terrifying.” Bokuto breathed out before following.

The two ate in relative silence watching the rain out the large sliding door. Akaashi, barely eating anything, complained about being too tired and crawled into Bokuto’s lap shortly after the meal began. Bokuto let him lay there while he finished his own meal. Akaashi could feel himself drifting off to sleep as Bokuto rubbed his back and whispered things to him in low soothing tones.

**. . .**

Akaashi woke a couple hours later. He was in bed pressed against Bokuto’s chest with a heavy arm wrapped around him, but no snoring danced through his ears. He could feel the muscle in Bokuto’s arm moving ever so slightly every few seconds.

“Are you playing on your phone instead of solely concentrating on cuddling me?”

Bokuto jolted a little at Akaashi’s sudden speech, but quickly rebutted.

“You were too busy sleeping to pay attention to my awesome cuddling skills!”

“I’ll forgive you today then.”

Akaashi snuggled up to Bokuto slightly with a sigh. A soft thump landed on the bed as Bokuto dropped his phone in favor of holding Akaashi.

“Sorry I feel asleep on you.” Akaashi murmured.

“It’s okay. It’s a lazy Sunday, after all.”

_Lazy Sunday. Sleep all day and cuddle against Bokuto. Sounds like a world I could live in. I’ll take a lazy Sunday every day._

Akaashi smiled and breathed in Bokuto’s smell.

_No. Wait._

“Mmm. Can’t.”

“Hm? Why not?”

Akaashi pulled away from Bokuto and stretched a bit.

“I promised you a movie. Since we couldn’t yesterday, I’m determined to make it happen today.”

Bokuto’s eyes lit on fire and his face contorted to a too happy and almost uncomfortable looking smile. Akaashi snorted back at him.

“You forgot our plans for today already, didn’t you?”

“Nooo!” Bokuto shrieked. “I’m just pretty excited about this. I haven’t gotten to see it since-“ Bokuto trailed off, looking apprehensive.

Akaashi ruffled Bokuto’s hair and hummed.

“Don’t worry about it.”

Bokuto rubbed his head against Akaashi’s hand much like a dog would and closed his eyes against the affection.

“But, there is one thing that we need before we can start the movie.” Akaashi interjected.

Bokuto’s large golden eyes slowly sprung open and locked with Akaashi’s. Akaashi took Bokuto in with a mesmerized chill. His eyes traced over Bokuto’s face gently as he continued to run his hands through Bokuto’s hair.

_I never knew being in someone’s presence could be as easy as it is with Bokuto-san._

He leaned down and kissed Bokuto slowly before Bokuto could start asking questions.

Breaking apart he uttered, “Pizza”.

Bokuto drew a large breath before yelling at the top of his lungs, “Fuck yes! I love pizza!” and kissing Akaashi sloppily on the lips. He jumped up, doing a little dance as he straightened his clothes and pocketed his phone.

“Come on, Keiji! Let’s get pizza now!” he beamed.

“Yes, yes.”

Akaashi followed, amused.

_Such a child_

**. . .**

Returning from the pizza place with more pizza than they’d be able to reasonable eat in one day, the two shuffled back into the apartment. Bokuto took the pizzas into the main room and began to set up the movie while Akaashi handled drinks. Akaashi quickly grabbed some napkins and procured a couple of beer from the fridge before joining an impatient and bouncing in excitement Bokuto who was fidgeting with the computer.

Akaashi sat the beers on the table before sitting down next to Bokuto.

“This is going to be so fucking good, Keiji. I swear. You’re not going to regret this.”

“Bokuto-san you shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.”

Akaashi cracked open his beer. Bokuto turned to face Akaashi at the sound. His eyes widened when he ascertained the drink Akaashi was currently holding up to his lips was indeed an alcoholic beverage. Fear flashed across Bokuto’s face, perhaps remembering the incident the last time the two of them had drank together. Akaashi coolly continued taking a sip and grabbed the other beer, offering it to Bokuto, who took it reluctantly.

“It’s fine, Bokuto-san.” Taking another sip, Akaashi mumbled into the can. “I’m not going to freak out like last time.”

Bokuto hummed before snatching the beer from Akaashi’s hand and opening it. He took a swig and let out a sigh before hardening his face.

“I won’t let you isolate like last time. Not like that.” He pulled the can from his lips before adorning a large smile. “Pizza, beer, my favorite childhood movie, and Keiji! This is the best day of my life! Ahh!” Bokuto hooted before turning his attention to the laptop and finishing pulling up the movie.

Pizza in hands, Bokuto tapped play and the two sat back for an experience.

**. . .**

By the time the movie had finished, Bokuto had drank several beers. Akaashi had limited himself to only two so far in order to keep focus on his goal. Bokuto lay face down on Akaashi’s lap, wrapping his arms around him and hiccupping.

“Feeeeed meee, Keiji!” he giggled. “Wasn’ tha movie jus the greatest? Me an mom used to watch it when I stayed home.”

“Was that often?”

“Kin-da?” Bokuto almost hiccupped on the word, popping the da. “Bad fangs happened wen I was eight.”

*

Akaashi’s brow furrowed.

_He’d said they watched it when it rained before._

“What kind of bad things?” Akaashi stroked Bokuto’s hair softly.

Bokuto’s face scrunched up and tears came falling from his eyes as he remembered. Akaashi quickly moved to wipe away his tears and stroke Bokuto’s cheek. Bokuto gave a small grin and shifted so he could take another swig of beer.

“Atched a boy kill emself. Ole class did. Uroo too.” Bokuto nuzzled his head into Akaashi’s chest and shook it side to side as if he were replying no over and over again. “Was bad. Jus took ah knife and-“ Bokuto scrunched his neck together and shivered. “Next day ‘is frien did tha same.”

Unsure of what to say, Akaashi just rubbed Bokuto’s back.

“’m always been prone to ‘ood swings. Had n‘mares for months. After dat, they had to put me on meds for ‘ears. Days I couldn’t cope, I’d stay ome with mom and watch that movie. Gahhh. Mom was so great. Used ta sing all da songs wif me.”

A sinking feeling permeated through Akaashi and settled in his stomach.

“Was?”

Bokuto’s shoulders went up higher and he squeezed Akaashi tight.

“I’m sorry, Koutarou. I didn’t know.”

Bokuto choked out a sob and shook his head.

“It’s ‘kay. S’not like you coulda known. N nobody would tell you.”

Akaashi leaned down and planted a soft kiss on Bokuto’s head.

“Your friends are fiercely loyal. It’s a little terrifying, to be honest.”

Bokuto chuckled a little.

“Are your friends not like that?”

_He sobered up?_

“Hmm. I don’t really have friends outside of you, Oikawa, and, I guess, Kuroo.”

Bokuto bolted up to a sitting position. His face was splotchy with tears.

“That’s not true! All my friends are your friends too! They all accepted you into the gang! Kenma, Suga, Daichi, Hinata! And Iwaizumi is your friend too! All of them and Oikawa, Kuroo, and I would fight for you!”

_Why would any of you do that?_

Akaashi leaned in and kissed Bokuto on the nose.

“Thank you.”

Bokuto collapsed back on Akaashi’s lap and squished his head against Akaashi’s stomach.

“You’re still too thin.” He complained. “Need to put on some meat and then you’ll be a squishy pillow.”

Akaashi jabbed Bokuto in the side. Bokuto yelped and jumped, but didn’t move away. Akaashi rolled his thoughts around for a bit.

_How do I get him to continue?_

“Keiji. I can ‘ear you thinking from here. ‘m not that drunk anymore. Ask your questions. I’ll answer whatever you want.”

“If you can hear me thinking, then answer my questions.” Akaashi poked Bokuto’s side again.

Bokuto let out another “eep!” and rolled over so he was supine with his head in Akaashi’s lap. He sighed and caught Akaashi’s eyes before focusing his attention to the wall before continuing.

“Mom died end of my third year. She’d always been so strong and independent. Unstoppable, really. Like a god of a woman. One day she collapsed and by the end of the month, she was gone. I don’t think the doctors ever really figured out what was wrong with her. She smiled to the very end. Wouldn’t let me skip class or practice to see her. Freaking set a limit on how much I could even see her. We all knew she was dying, but she refused to let me live at the hospital.”

Bokuto shook his head softly and interlaced his hands on his stomach, fidgeting them.

“It felt unfair at the time, but it probably would’ve been worse to watch her waste away in such a short span of time.”

Bokuto was shaking now. Tears were streaming down his face. Akaashi reached out to squeeze his hand and then relaxed back to rub Bokuto’s head.

“After that. I kinda just. Broke. Kinda similar to how you have?” Bokuto chewed on his lip for a minute. “I stopped showing up to classes, I was drinking a lot, I was sleeping around a lot. The only thing I did consistently was volleyball. I started slipping there too. Not taking care of myself, I couldn’t been tip-top shape. Well. Word got around that I’d been precarious in the bedroom and one of the guys on the team thought that it was his chance. That since I was a mess and open to anything that I’d accept his advances.”

Bokuto shuddered a little and took another deep breath.

“He was persistent. I wasn’t myself still. Wouldn’t be for a long time. I didn’t really brush him off like I normally would’ve, but I didn’t engage his advances. Volleyball was my sanctuary still. I didn’t want to mix the two worlds. There, on the court, everything was still normal. Mostly. It all made sense there. I spent a lot of time there. I’d stayed late one day and I was taking a quick shower before I headed back to my apartment. That guy showed up and.”

Bokuto started heaving rapidly and clenched his eyes shut. Akaashi grabbed his hand and rubbed circles with his thumb.

“It’s okay, Koutarou.” He whispered. “I get it. You don’t have to tell me.”

Bokuto took a couple deep breaths and gulped a few times before shaking his head and opening his eyes.

“No. I want to say it. I don’t want it to have power over me. I don’t want him to have power over me. In the shower. He came up behind me and groped me. Talked about how I’d been teasing him too long and how I’d been staying late hoping for him to come around. I tried to fight him off, but he slammed my head against the shower wall before I could turn around. My brain went weird after that. Like when you’re sick and you vaguely know that somethings happening and somethings wrong, but you’re just too out of it to really know. It was like that. After that, he raped me. I don’t think he did long. Everything was too fuzzy. Too much pain everywhere. Next thing I knew I was on the floor and Kuroo was talking to me. The guy was on the floor bleeding. Next few hours were a blur. Apparently when he smashed my head against the wall, I cried out. That was the one time when my loudness came in handy. Kuroo, who was worried about how I’d been lately, had dropped by to check on me. He heard it and came running. He almost killed the guy. Don’t know what stopped him, but I’m not sure I would’ve had the same self-control. Kuroo took care of everything. Cops, teachers, coach. Took me to the hospital to have my head and body checked. Then to his apartment and made sure I ate. Guy was expelled and arrested. Tried to avoid all the court things. Ended up with everything being okay for me and Kuroo.

I didn’t have much time to let what happened soak in. I tried to ignore it. Tried to go back to volleyball like everything was normal. Week later my brain snapped and flashed back to it in the middle of a jump. I freaked out and fell on my knee and it was over. Almost a decade of jumping and me being a pretty heavy guy, messed it up bad. That was the very start of my last year. No more volleyball. No more chance at playing professionally.”

Bokuto shifted and tilted his head up to look at Akaashi. Both of their faces still had trails of tears. Bokuto lifted one hand and wiped one of Akaashi’s cheeks.

**

“I’m really good, ya know? Better than some of the pros.” Bokuto winked at Akaashi.

Akaashi gave a soft smile.

“I know.”

Bokuto shifted back down on Akaashi’s lap.

“Continuing on. After that, I really broke. Nothing to hang back on to. Loss combined with trauma and more loss. Completely stopped going to class. Stopped walking dogs. Didn’t take care of my garden. Didn’t respond to messages. I don’t even think I paid my bills. Kuroo eventually forced me to come live with him and Kenma. I left one day to get beer and when I got back he and Kenma were packing up my apartment. Apparently, the landlord let them in and terminated my lease at their persistence.

Living with them helped. Got back on medication for a bit to help balance myself. Did therapy. Started going back to classes. Focused on a new dream. Err.”

Bokuto shifted up and looked at Akaashi again with a strained smile.

“You may not like this part.” He warned. “I uh. Well. We uh. Kuroo and I ended up in a relationship. And by default, Kenma.” Bokuto shut his eyes and cringed.

_Pain-in-the-ass-Kuroo-san didn’t lie then._

Akaashi shook his head even though Bokuto had his eyes closed.

“I figured. You and Kuroo are too close to not have. Though I can’t see Kenma dating either of you.”

Bokuto’s eyes popped open at the insult and Akaashi made a show of rubbing his hand on his chin.

“Keeeiijiii! I’m bearing my heart out here! Don’t hit me when I’m down! Literally!” He motioned to the floor.

Akaashi chuckled a little and leaned down to kiss Bokuto, who lifted up to meet him halfway.

“I’m not. Kenma is reserved is all. You and Kuroo are, well, you and Kuroo.”

Bokuto flailed around in protest, leaving both his arms spread out on the floor in defeat.

“Keeeiiiijiii!!”

“I’m sorry, Bokuto-san. What happened after that?”

Bokuto turned his head and nipped at Akaashi’s thigh before resuming.

“Nothing really happened. I worked on getting back to my original self. I tried to fix my grades. I managed to graduate, but I’d messed up my GPA and I’d missed the deadlines to apply for graduate school, even for a couple that had scouted me for some of my research. I decided that although I love Kuroo and Kenma very much, that I wasn’t in a place to be with them then. I still couldn’t offer anything and still was only half of the person I’d used to be. They understood and we broke up. I moved out, got a job and started living on my own. Then one day, I met this angel in the park, who promptly turned me down! Can you imagine someone turning down this fine piece of ass? It didn’t stick long, a minute after he turned me down he came running to-“

Akaashi grabbed a pillow off the bed and covered Bokuto’s face with it.

“I take it back, Bokuto-san. You are a shit and I’m utterly uninterested in listening to your stories.”

Muffled whines came from under the pillow. Akaashi lifted it to allow Bokuto to speak.

“Aww, Keiji. Yet you still wanted to date me. I guess you couldn’t resi-”

Akaashi promptly placed the pillow over Bokuto’s face and slid his legs out from underneath Bokuto’s head, causing him to knock his head on the floor. A small “oomf” came from under the pillow that Bokuto was now clutching to his face. Akaashi stood up and walked to the fridge, procuring two more beer. He sat back down beside Bokuto and snuck it under the pillow so the cold can would touch Bokuto’s ear, who flinched from the contact.

“Keiiji’s mean.” Bokuto whined.

Akaashi tugged the pillow away from Bokuto and planted a kiss on his lips. Bokuto reached out and held Akaashi’s face. They kissed softly. Just enough to show each other affection and their true feelings toward each other.

Breaking apart and still leaning over Bokuto, Akaashi was the first to speak.

“Thank you for sharing with me, Koutarou. I appreciate it. I know it wasn’t easy.”

Bokuto shook his head and stole another kiss from Akaashi.

“Thanks for not being mad about the Kuroo thing. Or for being weirded out. Or saying you’re sorry. Or-“

Akaashi placed the pillow back over Bokuto’s face.

“I get it, Koutarou.”

Bokuto pulled the pillow off his face and grinned. He sat up and grabbed his beer.

“So what do you want to watch next?”

“Whatever you want.”

“Ant-Man.”

Akaashi raised an eyebrow.

“Is there a reason why?”

“Nope! Just remembered it existed, is all!”

“Fine. I want sushi for dinner though.”

Bokuto leaned forward and gently bit Akaashi’s cheek before giggling.

“Anything for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *rubs hands together with a smirk on face*  
> (the shower scene)  
> Bokuto: Uh. Keiji? What are you doing?  
> Akaashi, internally: Appreciating the Bokutiddies. This was the best idea. I wonder if he'd let me fuck them. *looks up at Bokuto's face* Please crush my skull with your tits.  
> Akaashi: Why do you face the shower head?  
> Bokuto: Ack!
> 
> Me: *pulls beanie down over my face* YOU CAN'T PUT THAT IN THE FUCKING STORY!!  
> Me, internally: or can I?
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> My boys are verses. No room for discussion. 
> 
> *-** PG story for those who can’t/don’t want to read that mess: One of Bokuto’s (and Kuroo’s) classmates “moved away” when he was 8 and Bokuto (and his predisposition to his moods) spiraled into a depression, so he stayed home watching movies, mostly Little Shop of Horrors, with his mom when he got hit with particularly hard episodes. He remembers those times fondly.  
> Later, he reveals that his mother passed away at the end of his third year of university. He broke down (he loved his mother dearly) and a series of unfortunate events followed. He lost rock, paper, scissors in the locker room and shortly after he hurt his knee while playing volleyball forcing his Dr to tell him it was time to retire. He sunk deeper into his depression and carelessly engaged in non-Bokuto (non-cinnamon roll) behaviors. Kuroo forced Bo to live with him and Kenma to help get him back on his feet. Still not recovered, Bo’s grades dropped and he missed the application deadlines for the graduate program at the university both he and Akaashi attend(ed). After Bo started to get better, while he was still living with Kuroo and Kenma, they all started dating. Bokuto chose to end relationship because he still wasn't himself and needed healing. It ended peacefully and are still all super close with no hard feelings.
> 
> Note: Bokuto has mentioned Akaashi’s weight twice now. Please remember that without Bokuto Akaashi doesn’t really eat and he’s desperately underweight (in an unhealthy manner, not a fit one). So please don’t think that Bokuto is body shaming Akaashi. He’s worried about his health (and has legitimate reason to) and it’s the only way our loud, boisterous Bokuto knows how to express that particular concern. Bokuto loves a healthy Akaashi, no matter the weight.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO. I am not dead and neither is this story. *angrily shakes fist at god, your parents, and a mountain of laundry sitting on my bed*
> 
> So. Hey. How are you? Me? Uh. I did my editing. That's a thing. I won't do it again. I didn't even change much. I'd spent time debating if I wanted to completely nix a lot of chapter 14 cause, uh. Well, you've read it. You know. Shit got real. It's staying though. I've also been struggling with those Boku/Kuro/Aka feelings the ENTIRE time I've been writing this.... That's also been resolved.
> 
> Honestly, idk why I even put this on hiatus for editing. I enjoyed re-reading it. Wtf, brain? Anyone who disagrees can gtfo.
> 
> Tags have changed. Recognize them or wreck yo-self. Or don’t. Whatever. It’s your life and I'm not your mom.
> 
> Update schedule is still MIA. I have things to do IRL and I’m not going to apologize for that. I'd like to do a chapter a month, but that's probs not realistic. So one chapter a year, yeah?

[ **Kuroo** ]: ello starshine

[ **Kuroo** ]: are you alone?

[ **Kuroo** ]: what are you wearing?

[ **Akaashi** ]: [Image Attached]

[ **Kuroo** ]: wtf?

[ **Kuroo** ]: bro y u have Akaashi’s phone?

[ **Kuroo** ]: and wahts with that ugly shirt?

[ **Akaashi** ]: Keiji and I were eating dinner!

[ **Akaashi** ]: he took one look at his phone and went

[ **Akaashi** ]: “Ugh. You handle this.”

[ **Kuroo** ]: UGH???

[ **Kuroo** ]: my feels

[ **Kuroo** ]: that’s cold, ‘kashi

[ **Akaashi** ]: “What do you want, Kuroo-san?”

[ **Akaashi** ]: yeah. what u want?

[ **Akaashi** ]: and why does he need to be alone?

[ **Kuroo** ]: I need a favor….

[ **Akaashi** ]: bro

[ **Akaashi** ]: anything for you

[ **Kuroo** ]: pls don’t call me bro from ‘kashi’s phone

[ **Kuroo** ]: it’s haunting

[ **Kuroo** ]: and im not asking you

[ **Akaashi** ]: Keiji thinks you’re asking for a sexual favor!

[ **Akaashi** ]: D:

[ **Akaashi** ]: how could you??

[ **Akaashi** ]: bro

[ **Kuroo** ]: well~

[ **Kuroo** ]: I wouldn’t say no to a sexual favor~

[ **Kuroo** ]: but no

[ **Kuroo** ]: that’s not what this is about

[ **Kuroo** ]: go away bo

[ **Akaashi** ]: bro

[ **Akaashi** ]: bro

[ **Akaashi** ]: bro

[ **Akaashi** ]: bro

[ **Akaashi** ]: bro

[ **Kuroo** ]:  pls stop bo

[ **Kuroo** ]:  im beggin you

[ **Akaashi** ]: It’s Akaashi, bro.

[ **Akaashi** ]:  Bokuto-san is crying in a corner because he thinks you don’t love him

[ **Akaashi** ]: I may or may not have said “good riddance” and made him cry harder

[ **Kuroo** ]:  HA!

[ **Kuroo** ]:  your proper grammer doesn’t trick me, bro!

[ **Kuroo** ]:  Akaashi would never type the word bro!

[ **Calling Kuroo** ]

“Bro. You sound nothing like Akaashi, I don’t know what you’re trying to pull.” Kuroo scoffs into the phone as soon as he answers. “Nor would he ever call me.”

“As much as I would’ve liked to continue never speaking to you unless it’s absolutely necessary,” Akaashi dryly begins, “I’m afraid you’re wrong this time, bro.”

“’Kaashi!” Kuroo cheers. “Wait! What’s happening to make you call me? And why did you call me bro?”

“I wasn’t joking about Bokuto-san crying in the corner. He’s on full-on dejected mode and is demanding I figure out what you need.” Akaashi gives a sigh. “I’m assuming this is about his birthday, yes?”

“Shhhh! That freak has supersonic hearing! You can’t say that word while you’re still in the apartment with him!”

“I’m not in the apartment. I went down to the ground floor. I’m not stupid.”

“Ah~. Okay, good. Now. What are you wearing?”

“Kuroo, I swear-“

“No honorific?”

Akaashi stares with dead eyes at the ground in front of him and bites his tongue until he’s certain he won’t call Kuroo a pain in the ass. Or scream into the phone and throw it on the ground in a fit of rage.

_This annoying, stupid motherfu-_

“You’re insulting me in your head right now. I can hear it.” Kuroo hums.

“What did you want, Kuroo-san?” Akaashi grits out.

“Bo still doesn’t know you know when his birthday is, right? He hasn’t mentioned it?”

“No.”

“Then I need you to keep him occupied all day until like four or five on his birthday. Take him out of the city or something.”

“His birthday is on a Wednesday. Wouldn’t that be a bit suspicious? And won’t he have work? I have class.”

_Not that I can guarantee I’ll attend, but-_

“Shit.” Kuroo hums. “Okay. New plan. We’re going to do a surprise birthday party at my apartment on the Saturday before then. Keep him away from civilization until it’s time for the party.”

“And how am I supposed to do that?” Akaashi cringes as soon as he finishes speaking. Kuroo is sure to make some sort of sexual suggestion.

“I dunno. Take him hiking?”

“Hiking?” Akaashi echoes in disbelief.

“Yeah, man! It’d be perfect! It’s away from everything, he won’t be checking his phone all the time, it’ll take all day, and~ you two get to spend quality time together.”

_Not if I die from hiking, we’re not._

Akaashi lets out a deep sigh. “I’m going to consider other options, but I will keep him occupied.” He rubs his forehead, trying to ease the forming headache. “What about the plants?”

“What about them?”

Akaashi bites his lip and searches his brain for the correct words. “I’d like to give them to him at the party. If it’s at your apartment, when can I take them to your place?”

“Ohohoho? You want to come to my place? In secret? You’re eager to be alone with me?”

Akaashi finds himself glaring at the ground again.

_If I know where you live, I can strangle you in your sleep, so maybe._

“Don’t worry about bringing them over. I’ll come by the Thursday night before and pick them up.”

“You won’t kill them before Saturday?”

“Have some faith in me! Didn’t I take good care of you on our date?”

“One: that was not a date. Two: nor will I ever go on a date with you. Three: I’m not a plant.”

“But people are just plants but with more complex emotions. It’ll be _fiiiiiiine_.”

_I suppose he has a point._

“But~” Kuroo continues, “if they just so happen to die, that means we’d get to go on another date.”

“Goodbye, Kuroo-san. I hope you choke on your own spit in your sleep.”

“Mmm. I’d like to choke on your—”

[ **Call** **ended** ]

**. . .**

Akaashi is reading for class when there’s an annoying knock at his door. It sounds like a normal knock, but it’s automatically annoying because he knows who’s on the other side. He sighs and gets up to open the door. When he opens it, Kuroo is draped on the door frame with a suggestive smirk.

Akaashi closes the door in his face and walks back to his textbook.

“Aw! Come on!” Kuroo cries before opening the door since Akaashi hadn’t locked it. He tentatively creeps in and finds Akaashi reading. He lays himself on the floor and pulls his phone out to play with.

Akaashi can’t hold back his irritation and furrows his eyebrows. Still looking at his textbook, he decides to speak. “Don’t you have other things to do?”

Kuroo hums. “Nope!”

“Let me rephrase that. Get the plants and get out. I’m busy.”

“Nah.” Kuroo doesn’t look up from his phone. “Don’t really wanna. I’m not bothering you.”

“Your existence bothers me.”

“Like hot and bothered?” Kuroo smirks and leans up to watch Akaashi’s reaction.

Akaashi deadpans at glares at Kuroo before returning to his textbook. He can see Kuroo smirking at him still from the corner of his eye. When he thinks Akaashi isn’t paying attention, he looks around Akaashi’s room. It’s clean. He’d been keeping it fairly tidy since Bokuto was there almost every day. Him being around made it a little easier. The only thing that had changed in months was a couple of vases of flowers on his low sitting bookcase and a new speaker for music. The rest was still minimal. As Kuroo looked around observing, his smirk slowly slipped into a frown.

He didn’t comment as he snooped. He turned so he could peer into the kitchen area and look at the abandoned books on Akaashi’s bookcase. Half-finished series and unread books lined it. Several books had bookmarks placed partially through where Akaashi had started reading, but never came back to.

The floor creaked slightly as Kuroo leaned, trying to get a better look into the kitchen without being obvious and getting up. Akaashi had a rice cooker and microwave on the counter, but that was it. No personal items or decorations.

Kuroo turned back to face Akaashi and rested his elbow on the table. Akaashi’s skin prickled as he felt Kuroo examining him. He snuck a glance up to see a frown plastered on Kuroo’s face. It reminded Akaashi of when Kuroo would mother Bokuto about his knee.

_What’s his problem?_

Kuroo rested his chin in his hand while Akaashi attempted to continue to read. He wasn’t used to being watched while he did work.  At least, not by anyone that wasn’t Bokuto.

Several pages later, Kuroo was still staring intently at Akaashi with that frown. Sighing, Akaashi shut his book and looked up at Kuroo.

“Was there something you need? You’ve been staring at me like I told someone you were hitting on that you have erectile dysfunction.”

Not moving, Kuroo gave the briefest flicker of a smirk before returning to frowning. “I can’t help that I’m only interested in you and my body agrees.”

“It’s rather unfortunate for you that I’m dating Bokuto-san then.” Akaashi smirks back.

“No.” Kuroo hums. “It’s not unfortunate. I’m happy for you two.” He’s still frowning a bit, it doesn’t look like he’s lying to Akaashi. “Would you like to go out to dinner?”

Akaashi deadpans. “Really? Didn’t we just go over that I’m dating Bokuto-san and you’re happy for us?”

Kuroo rolls his eyes and sits up. “I didn’t ask you to have sex with me. I asked if you wanted dinner. My treat. You look thin. I just want to be a good friend and make sure you eat.”

“I already told you I wouldn’t go on a date with you.”

“Keiji.” Kuroo’s eyes narrow and there’s an intimidating glint in them. “If you don’t agree to go to dinner with me as platonic friends, I’m going to cook, and let me warn you: I can’t cook anything but fish.”

Akaashi shakes his head and digs for some notes in his bag. “I’m not hungry.”

“Kei~ji~.”

“Please don’t use my given name. It’s creepy when you say it.”

“I’d rather call you mine.”

Akaashi’s head snaps back to Kuroo, ready to fight and rage boiling inside him. “What the fuck is your problem?”

Kuroo’s eyes widen briefly in surprise at Akaashi snapping, but they soon return to the narrow intimidating look he had before.

“It’s called tough love, pumpkin. You haven’t been eating. I can see it clear as day. We’re going to eat whether you like it or not. I don’t care what or where, but it’s happening.”

_Terrorist_.

Akaashi took a deep breath and held his hand up to his head. It pulsed in pain, causing him to close his eyes from the pain. Kuroo was persistent when he wanted to be. His forced care reminded Akaashi a lot of Oikawa.

_God. I forgot they know each other. I never want to be in the same room as both of them._

“Order something, please. I don’t want to go out and I don’t have any fish for you to cook. I don’t care what you get.”

“On it, beautiful.” Kuroo shuffled around and walked to the kitchen. He came back with water and pain reliever. He set it on the table for Akaashi before walking outside to call for delivery.

Akaashi pried his eyes open and stared at the drink and pain reliver. He could hear Kuroo’s voice outside talking.

_Why is this happening to me?_

Kuroo comes back a few minutes later and sits back down across from Akaashi. He gives a grin before playing on his phone and not speaking.

_That’s not going to last._

Akaashi quirks an eyebrow before silently continuing his work. He feels the prickling sensation of being watched as he works, but Kuroo doesn’t make any attempt to get his attention or have a conversation. Akaashi’s almost done with his homework when there’s a knock on the door, signifying food had arrived. Kuroo silently gets up and gets it. Instead of putting it on the table and starting eating, he sets it on the kitchen counter and comes back to join Akaashi. He feels Kuroo’s eyes on him again, but he stays silent.

“You know you can go ahead and eat, right?” Akaashi mutters with his head still down working.

“Hm?” Kuroo looks up, a bit zoned out already. “Oh. I’m waiting until you finish. It’s not a date unless we eat together.”

“It’s not a date at all.”

“Friend date?”

“We’re not even friends.”

Kuroo snorts. “Sure we are. We hang out together and I’ve been chilling in your home for a good hour now. We’ve even been on a trip together. We’re the best of friends.”

“You’re a calamity.”

“Thank you.” Kuroo gives a wide grin that presses his cheeks up to his eyes. Akaashi’s heart flutters at how adorable it is.

He immediately gives a hard frown.

_Why?_

**. . .**

“What made you want to go hiking, Keiji?” Bokuto eagerly looked back and forth between the train window and Akaashi. They’d just settled into their short Shinkansen ride down to Hakone.

_Because your shithead bro suggested it and I couldn’t think of anything else._

“I just wanted some fresh air. I thought this might be nice. I’ve always wanted to see the volcano and I’m in the mood for onsen stew pan.”

“Ohh! Onsen stew pan! What’s that?”

Akaashi hides his mouth behind his hand and give a light chuckle. “It’s stew inside of bread. It’s supposed to be a local specialty.”

“Mm! I want two!” Bokuto responds too loudly for the close quarters of the train.

“Mhm. We should also try some black eggs. They’re supposed to be lucky. I wonder if we can get some in ramen?” Akaashi hums to himself and pulls his phone out to search for a restaurant that might have black egg ramen. He finds one before he realizes Bokuto hadn’t responded to him. He looks over to find Bokuto humming to himself while staring at Akaashi and smiling. “Yes, Bokuto-san?”

Caught, Bokuto gives a surprised face, his mouth forming into an ‘o’ before grinning again. “Oh. It’s nothing. I was just happy you’re wanting to eat. And that we’re taking a trip. And to be with you. And-mmph!”

Akaashi covers Bokuto’s mouth as scowls at him. Bokuto struggles but quickly kisses Akaashi’s hand and smiles underneath it. Akaashi narrows his eyes in threat before lowering his hand.

“Keiji?” Bokuto coos quietly as possible, “You can have my black eggs. I’m already beyond lucky.”

_Ugh. Cheesy. Why does that sound like a pickup line Kuroo would use?_

“Thank you, Bokuto-san, but apparently more than two is unlucky so that won’t be necessary.”

Bokuto sticks his lip out in a small pout before resigning himself to looking out the window again.

_He seems down. I wonder if it’s related to his birthday or if I’ve upset him?_

Akaashi racks his brain trying to remember if he’d said or done anything that might have upset Bokuto. He was short and rude with him normally. If anything, Akaashi had been softer with him lately. Coming up with nothing, Akaashi returns to playing on his phone.

**. . .**

_I knew this would be a mistake. It’s too hot for this. It’s too hot to exist. I’m not going to make it. I should’ve started jogging with Bokuto and Kuroo months ago to build up stamina. I needed training._

Akaashi huffed as they walked the trail.

_I really should’ve thought harder about this. It’s September. It’s too hot to be outside. All I ever do anymore is homework. I haven’t expended this much energy in years. Bokuto is going to have to carry me there and back. Not to mention the party later._

Akaashi glared as a couple of small children scream and run past them looking oddly cool and energized.

_I hate them._

Bokuto gave a wide grin and watched the kids play as they passed. He vibrated a bit in place, getting excited by their energy. “Come on Akaashi! Let’s race too!”

“No way in hell, Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto pouted, but didn’t argue. He pulled a water bottle from the bag he was carrying and handed it to Akaashi, who took it gratefully.

“God.” Akaashi gasped as they continued to walk uphill now. “I don’t know why I ever thought this was a good idea.”

_I just want a nap. If it weren’t so hot, I’d lay down right here and nap. Maybe by the time Bokuto finishes, I’d be up so we could go home._

“Aww! We just started, Kei~ji.” Bokuto whines back, clearly having the time of his life and making Akaashi hate him the most.

 Akaashi looks over at Bokuto with a serious face. “Looks like you’re going to have to carry me the rest of the way.”

“Okay!” Bokuto grins. He opens his arms and takes a step toward Akaashi to pick him up.

“No way in hell that’s happening, Bokuto-san.”

“But!” Bokuto’s lip juts out and he drops his arms. “I’d do it for you!”

_And I know you would too._

Akaashi took another gulp of water. “Come on. We need to get this done so we can get back in time.”

“Back in time for what?” Bokuto cocks his head.

_Geh_.

Akaashi gives the most malicious smirk he can manage. “For you to treat me to dinner and give a full body massage after procuring all the ice in the neighborhood.”

**. . .**

Freshly showered and back at Akaashi’s apartment, he sends a quick text to Kuroo before looking over at Bokuto innocently. “Do you mind if we stop by Kuroo’s apartment before we eat? He has a book for me to borrow and I rather get seeing him over with sooner than later.” Akaashi deadpans and tries to look annoyed. In reality, his heart is racing. He’s never asked to go to Kuroo’s before. He doesn’t know if Bokuto will find it suspicious.

Bokuto just grins and in his usual near shouting voice, replies, “Sure!”.

_Ah. I love him._

**. . .**

When they get to Kuroo’s apartment, Kuroo opens the door and pulls Akaashi in before anyone can say anything. He closes the door in Bokuto’s face, giving them a couple second advantage to get further into the apartment. Not even giving him time to take his shoes off, Kuroo pulls Akaashi into the living room where there’s a crowd of people waiting. Akaashi’s eyes widen at the large number of people in party hats, being creepily quiet that are staring at the entry way Akaashi and Kuroo just came from. Gulping, he and Kuroo turn back around to greet Bokuto.

A few seconds behind, Bokuto walks into the apartment calling Kuroo’s name.

“Kuroo! You can’t just steal my boy-“ He stops in his tracks when he sees Kuroo with his arm wrapped around Akaashi’s shoulder that Akaashi hadn’t paid enough attention to so he could shove him off and then to the group of people standing behind them.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOKUTO!” Everyone yells, with the exception of Akaashi and Kenma who use their regular speaking voices. A few people pop streamers and confetti flies everywhere.

Bokuto’s mouth drops and he starts crying happy tears immediately. “Guys!” He croaks before running into the living room and grabbing Akaashi and Kuroo in a group hug.

Akaashi winces at the pressure from Bokuto squeezing too tightly. He bites his lip to help ignore the pain and rubs Bokuto’s back. “Happy birthday, Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto bounces up a bit before pulling his head from Akaashi and Kuroo’s shoulders and plants a wet kiss on Akaashi’s lips. He turns to Kuroo and kisses him on the cheek.

Akaashi feels a burning sensation in his gut.

“Guys! You two planned this?” Bokuto looks wide and teary eyed between the two of them.

“Sure did.” Kuroo purrs, not correcting him.

Akaashi gives Kuroo a quick glare. “Kuroo-san planned the party. I was just in charge of keeping you occupied until it was time.”

“Bro!” Bokuto squeezed both of them again.

“Bo! The rest of us need hugs too!” A blond boy with a fox face shouted from across the room.

Bokuto released the two of them and ran over almost jumping into the guy’s arms. Akaashi’s eyes widen in fear for the guy, but the blond seems sure and unfearful like he was used to Bokuto running at him. Akaashi rubs his bruised ribs before looking around the apartment.

“You know you could’ve taken more credit.” Kuroo smirks, his arm still wrapped around Akaashi’s shoulders.

Akaashi tries to shrug him off, but his body is tired from the mountain and traveling earlier. “You did all the work. You deserve the credit.”

“So noble.”

“Whatever. Get off me.” Akaashi shrugs again.

Kuroo grins and pulls Akaashi closer into a hug. “Thanks for helping.” He gives Akaashi a quick peck on the cheek before releasing him and literally running to the other side of the room, hiding behind the protection of people Akaashi doesn’t know.

_What the fuck was that?_

Akaashi’s eye twitches in anger and frustration. Kuroo is getting to comfortable with him. Too friendly. Too doting. Akaashi shifts nervously wondering what’s going through Kuroo’s head. He says he’s glad that Akaashi and Bokuto are together, but it doesn’t feel like that’s the whole truth.

“You’re thinking too hard about it.” Akaashi jumps to find Kenma at his side, head down playing a game as always. “He’s not being malicious. He just has a crush on you is all. He won’t do anything to get between you and Koutarou.”

_A crush?_

Akaashi wrinkles his nose. He doesn’t have a response for Kenma.

Kenma’s eyes flicker up to him, examining him, before looking back to his game. “Want to hide in my room with me?”

There’s shouting and a few of the guys are rough housing. Their energy makes Akaashi feel more drained than he already is.

“Yes, please.”

Kenma leads Akaashi to a surprisingly messy room packed with two large bookcases of games, several consoles, and a bunch of electronics. There’s game posters on the walls and clothes on the floor. A few figurines are tucked in free places. There’s a frame with a photo of Kenma, Kuroo, and Bokuto on the desk and another one of Kenma and an older woman that’s probably his mother. He pulls a handheld device from a drawer and hands it to Akaashi before sitting on the bed, motioning for Akaashi to join them.

Akaashi tentatively crawls on the bed and sits near Kenma. He turns the game on to find the Pokémon loading screen. He gave a small snort, but clicked to the start screen.

“Do a new game on it. I’ve beat it already.” Kenma offers, not looking up from their own game.

“Thank you.” Akaashi hums and starts.

They play in silence aside from the occasional outbursts and distressed mutterings when things don’t go as planned. Akaashi is totally engorged in the game when he notices a drink being held out in front of his face. Blearily, he looks up to find Kuroo grinning at him.

“Hello, my flower boy. I’ve brought you two food and drinks.” His grin widens as Akaashi pauses the game and takes the drink from him, muttering thank you. Kuroo sets Kenma’s drink and a plate of food on the bedside table beside Kenma since they hadn’t cared to look up from their game yet. He holds another plate out for Akaashi. “You can eat it here. Kenma doesn’t mind.” He grabs Kenma’s computer chair and plops down in it, grabbing a beer he’d set down so he could pass out food.

“Thanks, Kuroo-san. You didn’t have to.” Akaashi eyes the food and picks something random to eat. The exercise earlier had intensified his appetite.

“I know. I just wanted to make sure I’m taking good care of all my guests.”

“Well aren’t you kind.” Akaashi sarcastically replies, shoving more food in his mouth.

“I’m always this kind.” Kuroo gives a big grin before taking a big swig of his beer.

_Somehow, I doubt that._

“What’s Kenma got you playing?” Kuroo gives another grin and Akaashi notices the faint flush across his cheeks from drinking.

“Pokémon.”

“Pfft. Old school. Kenma’s insulting you with that. He thinks you’re bad at games.”

Akaashi glances over to Kenma, who steadfast ignores him, but has raised his shoulders to his ears in fear of retaliation. “He’s not wrong. Arcade games I can do, but I don’t exactly have a knack for other games. I’m stuck at the first gym.”

“Lemme help.” Kuroo jumps up and sits on Akaashi’s other side. He sits close, his shoulder touching Akaashi’s and leans over to see the screen.  Akaashi can smell the beer on his breath combined with a faint scent of sweat, probably from moving around with everyone in the main area.

“I’m just having trouble beating the gym leader.” Akaashi frowns, feeling nervous at Kuroo’s close proximity.

“What Pokémon do you have?”

“Just my starter?”

Kuroo chuckles before looking at Akaashi. His face is within a foot of Akaashi’s and Akaashi finds himself looking, really looking at Kuroo. He’s sweating a bit from the party and his hair is a mess as always. His cat-like eyes are glued and grinning at Akaashi. He’s still got a light flush against his tanned skin and he’s got that smile again. The one that lifts his cheeks up and shows off his teeth. Akaashi finds his eyes drawn to Kuroo’s lips. They’re wet from the beer he’d been drinking. Something about them just looked delicious and kissable.

Akaashi leans in an inch before stopping.

_Wait. Kissable? Kuroo?_

“Starshine, the point of Pokémon is to catch ‘em all.” Kuroo gives a drunken giggle. “You’re going to need more than one to beat the gym leader.”

Akaashi bites his cheeks in embarrassment. “I don’t really like any of the Pokémon I’ve found so far. I don’t want to catch them just to have. They’ll sit in the PC and never be loved.”

Kuroo gives that grin again before erupting into his hyena-like cackle. It’s so loud that Kenma gives a jolt at Akaashi’s other side.

“Shut up, Kuro. You made me lose.” He grumbles.

“Sorry, Kenma~.” Kuroo chimes. “Catch some more and then try again, starshine.” He gets up from the bed and shakes his empty beer bottle. “I gotta go check on your boyfriend and make sure he hasn’t accidently killed anyone with those over-emotional hugs of his and get some beer while I’m at it. Did either of you need anything?”

Akaashi gives a small smile, glad Bokuto was enjoying the party. “No thank you, Kuroo-san.”

Kuroo gives a thumbs-up before walking back out. Akaashi turns back to his game, but feels Kenma looking at him. He looks over to find Kenma giving direct eye contact, looking all over Akaashi’s face for an answer to a question that wasn’t asked. Kenma squints at Akaashi briefly before turning back to his game.

_What was that about? This day is too confusing._

Akaashi rubs his forehead before unpausing his game so he can go catch ‘em all.

**. . .**

“Keiji.”

“Akaashi.”

“Keiji.”

“Akaashi.”

“Keiji.”

Akaashi furrows his forehead in confusion.

_This is a weird dream. Dream?_

Akaashi opens his eyes to find himself horizontal on Kenma’s bed. Bokuto and Kuroo are on the floor with just their heads resting on the bed. Their faces are both flushed and they’re tipsily chanting Akaashi’s name.

Akaashi pulls the blanket someone had put on him over his head.

_It’s too early for this._

“Keiiiijiii!” Bokuto whines and crawls halfway on the bed, draping his arms over Akaashi dramatically. “Wake up, baaaabe! It’s time for cake an’ presents!”

Akaashi tries to curl up into a ball, but he feels body weight weighing on his legs now.

“Wake up, beautiful! You can’t sleep through all the party.” Kuroo slurs from Akaashi’s legs, nuzzling into them.

Frowning, Akaashi pulls himself into a sitting position. Bokuto immediately latches onto Akaashi’s torso and rubs his face against Akaashi’s stomach.

“Kaaashi! I missed you!” Bokuto beams up at him.

Akaashi pets his head gently and gives a soft grin before looking around. Kuroo’s still halfway on the bed at his feet giving Akaashi and Bokuto a weird grin. Kenma is in his computer chair, steadily playing his game and ignoring the idiots bothering Akaashi.

“Alright. I’m up, Bokuto-san.”

“YAAAAAYYY!” Bokuto cheers, releasing Akaashi from his hold and throwing his hands in the air. He grabs Akaashi’s hand and pulls him into the living room. Kuroo and Kenma follow them shortly after.

Most of the guests from earlier had cleared out. Akaashi recognized Daichi, Suga, and Hinata. The blond from earlier was still there. There was another blond with glasses, a girl with chin length brown hair, a blonde girl, and a shorter guy with two toned hair.

Kenma tugged on Akaashi’s shirt, leading him to an empty couch where they sat together. Kenma brought his knees to his chest and continued playing his game. Akaashi wrapped himself up in the blanket he’d brought with him and closed his eyes to continue his nap.

He went in and out of sleep as Bokuto opened presents. Since he was drunk, he took a long time and kept getting distracted. Akaashi was almost completely asleep when he heard his name.

“And this is from Akaashi-“

Akaashi snapped his eyes open to see Kuroo bringing two wrapped boxes over big enough to cover the plants they’d brought back. Akaashi cocks his head to the side.

_He wrapped plants?_

“And Kuroo-san.” Akaashi quickly adds wanting everyone to know how much hard work and care Kuroo put into making Bokuto’s birthday special.

Kuroo frowned and gave Akaashi a pointed look silently berating Akaashi with a “we discussed this” look. Akaashi returned the look with a calm defiant stare.

“My Keiji and Kuroo?” Bokuto tilts his head and grins. “My two favorite people! Thank you!”

Kuroo gives a chuckle. “You’re welcome. The lids just lift off these, okay?”

Bokuto grins and rips the tops off the presents to reveal the plants they’d gotten and Akaashi had managed to keep alive for the last month.

Bokuto gasps and looks back and forth between the two. “How’d you get these?”  He rubs the leaves experimentally and plays with the soil of each of them.

“Kuroo-san searched for them and arranged for us to get them from Dr. Kiyoko and Yachi-san in Mayajima.” Akaashi supplied.

“Your little starlight has been keeping them alive and hidden from you for the last month though.” Kuroo quickly adds.

They give each other a quick threatening glare before looking back at Bokuto. He has a pot wrapped in each arm, plants brushing up against his face, and tears running down his cheeks. He gives a hiccup. “You guys. I love them. I love them so much. I’ve always wanted them. Thank you.”

Akaashi gives Bokuto a soft smile. His boyfriend is too pure. “You’re welcome, Bokuto-san. I’ve been following Yachi-san’s instructions for care, but I don’t exactly have a green thumb. I hope they are in good health for you.”

Kuroo pats Bokuto’s head. Bokuto leans into the touch and closes his eyes at the gesture. “You’re welcome, buddy. Don’t forget to thank Kiyoko and Yachi too, though, okay?”

_They’re cute together._

Bokuto nods profusely. “I’ll call them right now!”

Kuroo laughs. “Wait until Monday, okay?” He gives a wink and pulls the boxes out of the way before handing Bokuto another present.

Akaashi closes his eyes again to go back to napping, but he feels a dip in the couch beside him. His eyes flutter open to find the blond with the foxlike face from earlier grinning at him.

“Hi. I’m Konoha Akinori.” He offers his hand to shake.

Akaashi sleepily shakes his hand. “Akaashi Keiji. Nice to meet you.”

“So.” Konoha smirks. “You date Bokuto. You don’t take me as the type who would be into loud and boisterous.”

Akaashi can’t help but to give a small laugh and snort. “The first time we met he asked me out and I rejected him.”

“What made you change your mind?” Konoha grins and leans in in excitement.

“I wanted to pet those cute dogs he walks more.” Akaashi deadpans.

Konoha gives out a loud howl of laughter, slapping his knee in giddiness. “Wanna see pictures of Bokuto from high school?”

Akaashi’s eyes widen and he nods his head quickly. “Hell yes.”

**. . .**

It’s nearly midnight when Kuroo’s and Kenma’s apartment has finally cleared out. Well, mostly. Kenma is in his room probably playing a game pretending no one is there. Bokuto is passed out across Akaashi’s lap snoring and hugging one of Akaashi’s legs for dear life. Kuroo is standing near the doorframe of the living room with his arm wrapped around the tall blond with glasses that Akaashi is pretty sure is named Tsukki. Tsukki looks uncomfortable at Kuroo’s drunken affections, but isn’t pushing him off. Instead he offers snide remarks to Kuroo and sips his beer every so often. There’s a faint snoring noise behind one of the couches where Akaashi’s pretty sure someone is passed out at, but he has no clue who exactly.

Bokuto gives a loud snore and squeezes Akaashi’s leg tighter. Akaashi rubs his hand up and down Bokuto’s back and Bokuto slowly loosens his grip on Akaashi’s leg. Akaashi bites his lip in thought.

_How am I going to get a drunk, passed out Bokuto home?_

Kuroo plops down on the other couch, Tsukki nowhere to be seen.

Akaashi raises an eyebrow. “Tsukki finally escape from your clutches?”

“Unfortunately.” Kuroo giggles. “Hey. You wanna sleep in my bed tonight?”

Akaashi wrinkles his nose and glares even though he doesn’t find the thought entirely disgusting. Though the idea of rolling around on the bed with Kuroo while Akaashi is dating Bokuto makes his stomach turn.

_I’ve had too much to drink if I don’t want to gag at that thought._

“Not for that, nerd.” Kuroo giggles again and runs his hand through his hair. “For that heavy ass passed out owl you got there on your lap and yourself. There’s no way you’re getting him up. You’ve also had a lot to drink and are exhausted already. You don’t need to be wandering around either. Just stay here.”

“I couldn-“

“I already planned on you two staying. Room and sheets are clean. Promise.”

Akaashi frowns. “What about you?”

“I’ve got three couches and if I can’t sleep on them, I’ll sleep in Kenma’s room. It’s fine. I don’t mind. Really.”

“Thank you, Kuroo-san. You’re very thoughtful.”

Kuroo gives that cheesy drunk grin again. “I told you I’m always this kind.”

Akaashi wrinkles his nose, but doesn’t disagree.

“Now.” Kuroo hoists himself from the couch and walks over to Akaashi and Bokuto. “I’m gonna pick this big guy up, so I’m gonna be in yo’ space for a sec.” He leans down and buries his arms under Bokuto, one in-between Akaashi’s legs at Bokuto’s chest and one just under Bokuto’s butt. Akaashi frowns at the contact of Kuroo’s hands and arm to his thigh and suspiciously close to his crotch, but Kuroo just wraps his arms around Bokuto and lifts him like a baby. Bokuto lets go of Akaashi’s leg as he’s being lifted.

“Alright.” Kuroo groans under Bokuto’s weight. “This way, please.”

He leads Akaashi to his room. It’s surprisingly neat and clean. There’s a large bed with too many pillows on it, a nightstand with lamp and book, a dresser littered with photo frames and other keepsakes, a volleyball, a banner from his high school volleyball team, his diploma for his bachelor’s degree is on the wall. There’s a bookshelf littered with books, mostly science, but manga and sci-fi mixed in too. There’s a few spaces where there’s calico cat plushies and good luck charms. There’s a big comfy chair in another corner that has a backpack set in it.

“Will you pull back the covers? I forgot how heavy he is.”

“Ah. Sure.” Akaashi pulls the covers back and Kuroo gently places Bokuto down on the bed. Bokuto doesn’t want to let go of Kuroo now, but Kuroo just gives him a few soft pats on the face and he relinquishes his hold.

“Uhhh.” Kuroo turns back to Akaashi. “Do you want to strip him or should I?”

Akaashi quirks one eyebrow hard.

“What? I want my best bro to be comfortable.” Kuroo whines. A blush runs across his cheeks.

Akaashi looks disgusted for half a second until he can’t hold back a laugh. “I’ll do it. It’s nice that you care so much for Bokuto-san. You’re a really good friend to him.”

Kuroo looks a little taken aback by Akaashi’s honesty and looks back at Bokuto instead of looking at Akaashi. He rubs Bokuto’s head softly. “I want to be a good friend for him. For both of you.” He gives a soft smile and looks back to Akaashi. “Well. Make yourself at home. There’s a lock on the door. I’ll be on the couch if you need anything.” He gives a little salute and walks out before Akaashi can respond.

Akaashi closes the door behind him and locks it. He strips down to his underwear and does the same to Bokuto with a little difficulty. Akaashi pulls his phone out for a quick text.

[ **Akaashi** ]: Thank you for everything, Kuroo-san.

Akaashi slips under the covers and snuggles up to Bokuto, giving him a quick kiss on the lips. “Happy birthday, Koutarou. Good night.” Bokuto immediately wraps his arms around Akaashi in his sleep and holds him close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God. I love perverted annoying Kuroo and sassy murderous Akaashi banter. Aaaand now you know my decision on the Bokuroaka thing. *whistles and looks away*
> 
> I'm pretty sure when I did edits I put that Akaashi knew Konoha and was just avoiding him, but I can't remember and I'm not going back to check. So that's just gonna be an inconsistency that we're all going to have to live with.
> 
> I've reattached a chapter count. Again. Chapter 35 will be an epilogue and Chapter 36 will be an Authors Note.
> 
> Uhhh. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but Akaashi does a lot of paradoxical things compared to what he's thinking or has planned. That's not me being scattered. There is valid reason for this. So. Just wanted to let that be known.
> 
> Next chapter will be another happy chapter! *someone in the audience yells: "what about after that?"* Next chapter will be a happy chapter! *maniacal grin*


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. This fic is cursed. Hours after I posted the last chapter, I had a kidney stone. The time before when I put it on hiatus, I hurt my ankle (which STILL isn't right). I'm scared of the consequences of posting this chapter. Tell my wife, children, and cats I love them.
> 
> OMG SORRY GUYS! I LEGIT DIDN’T MEAN TO TAKE OVER A MONTH TO UPDATE THIS. HOLY SHIT. AND AFTER A 6 MONTH HIATUS. I'M SMH @ MYSELF. I'M SORRY!!!! Geez. I left y’all on read and then waited a month and a half to say I was in the shower or walking the dog or some shit. Have an extra-long chapter as some sort of apology? It's 46 pages of pure roller-coaster....
> 
> Also. Did I say something about this being an only happy chapter? *rubs the back of my head and looks away nervously* Well. You see, I’m a dirty liar and a terrible person through and through. You already knew that though, right?

Several weeks pass and the weather starts to change into fall. Akaashi loves fall. The leaves change and litter the ground making crunching noises with every step. Everything is pumpkin scented and pumpkin flavored. He doesn’t much care for it, it’s too sweet and doesn’t taste great, but there’s always something else in the air during fall. A feeling that spreads over the city. Will the slightly cooler weather and new semester, there comes a freshness in mood. A chance for a new beginning.

Akaashi’s final semester at university starts calmly and smoothly except for one teensy annoyance.

“Keeeijiiii! When’s your birthday?”

Akaashi doesn’t even bother looking up from his textbook. Bokuto had been bothering him about his birthday ever since his had passed. He’d even threatened to steal Akaashi’s ID to find out. Akaashi had to threaten disowning him if he went through his belongings without permission. So now Bokuto had reverted back to whining and begging.

“I don’t have one.”

“Yeessss yooouuuuu doooo! Everyone has a birthday! Tellll meeee!”

“No.”

“Whhyyyy noooot?”

“Because you’re going to make a big deal out of it and I don’t want you to.”

“So it hasn’t passed yet?”

Akaashi’s eyes flicker up to Bokuto for a brief second. He’s got both arms down on the table and is resting his head on them. A strand of hair is falling down into his face. He’s pouting and his nose is scrunched up.

_Cute._

“Birthday’s happen every year.”

“That’s a no!” Bokuto jolts up vibrating in place convinced he’s correct.

Akaashi sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Bokuto-san, I’m trying to do work.”

Bokuto’s vibrating stops as he stops moving instantly. “Sorry. Keiji.”

Akaashi expects him to bring it back up, but instead he plays on his phone happily while waiting of him to finish his homework.

_I don’t want you to remember my birthday when I’m gone. I don’t want you to hurt every year. I can’t do that to you. Even if I’m just a passing memory._

**. . .**

October passed quickly. Akaashi’s busy with classes and dates out with Bokuto. Bokuto even managed to drag Akaashi to a Halloween party with several of his friends. The ones he hadn’t met yet all seemed to take to him. He added several numbers to his phone that night and has had conversations and meetings with several of them since then. He couldn’t remember the last time he had so many social obligations.

It’s been two months since Bokuto’s birthday and he’s starting to get desperate to find out Akaashi’s. Akaashi thought he would’ve dropped it by now. Bokuto was always easily distracted except for when it came to their volleyball games. Instead of forgetting, he got more and more obsessed with it instead. It was fascinating to observe, but Bokuto was starting to get too frantic. Akaashi considered telling him so the madness would stop, but at this point he didn’t want to give in. It was a matter of principle now.

Akaashi wasn’t surprised when Kuroo decides to get involved.

[ **Kuroo** ]: you should consider telling Bo your birthday

[ **Akaashi** ]: You too?

[ **Akaashi** ]: This is getting ridiculous.

[ **Kuroo** ]: nah

[ **Kuroo** ]: you’re being ridiculous

[ **Kuroo** ]: and maybe that’s making Bo ridiculous

[ **Kuroo** ]: he’s talking about breaking into the school

[ **Kuroo** ]: something about records

[ **Kuroo** ]: THAT’S ridiculous

[ **Kuroo** ]: not to mention he’s driving me crazy about it

[ **Kuroo** ]: I think I know every possible birthday present you’re getting for the next 37 years

[ **Kuroo** ]: anyway

[ **Kuroo** ]: he’s being ridiculous

[ **Kuroo** ]: but me

[ **Kuroo** ]: I’m not a dumb owl

[ **Kuroo** ]: I bet I know a guy who knows

[ **Kuroo** ]: though I hate admitting that

[ **Kuroo** ]: I shouldn’t have to go to these lengths though

[ **Kuroo** ]: wouldn’t if you just had social media like everyone else

[ **Kuroo** ]: literally everyone else

[ **Kuroo** ]: senior citizens have more online presence than you

[ **Kuroo** ]: I’ve checked

[ **Kuroo** ]: but I’ll go through the trouble for love

[ **Akaashi** ]: Oikawa doesn’t know

[ **Kuroo** ]: Hm

[ **Kuroo** ]: did I ever say Oikawa?

[ **Kuroo** ]: but I’ll just have to speak to him

[ **Kuroo** ]: he may not know

[ **Kuroo** ]: but he has his ways of finding out

[ **Kuroo** ]: he’s a gossipy little fuck

[ **Akaashi** ]: I detest you.

[ **Kuroo** ]: love you too

[ **Kuroo** ]: hugs and kisses and soon to be birthday wishes.

[ **Kuroo** ]: …probably

**. . .**

Akaashi lies spread out like a starfish staring up at the ceiling in the dark. He pushed everything to the side of the room, so he could sprawl out and not touch anything. He’s slept too much in the last couple of days and can’t force his body to sleep more even though that’s the only thing he craves right now. He doesn’t want to do anything. He’s practicing not existing, hoping that somehow, he’ll start to disintegrate. That the floor will somehow suck him up or he’ll turn to dust, slip through the cracks, float out into the city, and be swept away by the wind. He wants to cry and scream, but he can’t. The neighbors would hear. Bokuto would be able to tell. Besides, he doesn’t really have anything worth screaming about. He has a great life. He’s finishing up college, he doesn’t have to worry about money or food, he’s in good health, he has a job lined up after college, he has a wonderful boyfriend, and several friends now. There’s nothing he can complain about. He’s just being ungrateful.

Bokuto’s at work or something, Akaashi can’t really remember. He’s not even sure what day it is. He forgot to go to school for the last few days. He’d lied to Bokuto about it. Bokuto trusts him, so he didn’t think to question it.

_December already? That means I only have about four months left until school finishes. Finally. It’s soon._

Akaashi clenches his right fist, letting his nails dig into the skin.

_Four, five months, tops then. I still have a lot I need to do. My writing’s not going to get done and it looks like I won’t be able to pay a portion of my funeral expenses since I didn’t get a new job. I haven’t decided on a plan yet either. I don’t want it to hurt. If it hurts I might back out._

Akaashi sighed and closed his eyes.

_Killing yourself is exhausting. I just want to sleep and not exist anymore._

A chime dinged from Akaashi’s phone.

_Bokuto. I’m going to miss him. I hope he just thinks I’ve disappeared. That something happened while I’m abroad. I guess I’ll have to break up with him soon too. Otherwise he’ll know. Maybe he’ll never even hear that I’ve gone missing. That’d be for the best._

Akaashi opened his eyes to stare blankly at the ceiling again.

_But I’m not going to continue to be a burden in his life. He deserves good things. He deserves to be happy. Not me. I’m worthless. It hurts, but it’s true. I can’t stand feeling this pain much longer. I can’t bear darkening everyone’s lives anymore._

**. . .**

“Bokuto-san, where are we going?”

Bokuto is pulling Akaashi by the hand through a strange neighborhood under the guise of there being a restaurant around here that Akaashi must try. That ‘it’s to die for’. It’s the weekend before Akaashi’s birthday and he finds it hard to believe that they’ve come all the way out here for a restaurant Bokuto just happened to find.

Especially since he’d stopped asking when Akaashi’s birthday was a few days after Kuroo had texted Akaashi. They weren’t obvious at all.

“Kei-ji! It’s not a surprise if I tell you!” Bokuto gives a wink.

“Bokuto-san, you’re being suspicious as hell right now.” Akaashi stops and stares at Bokuto impassively.

“N-no I’m not!” Bokuto’s shoulders raise up to his ears and his eyes go wide.

_So obvious._

“Whatever you say, Bokuto-san. Let’s go, it’s cold.”

Bokuto wraps his arm around Akaashi and kisses his temple. Akaashi hums and leans into him as they start walking again.

_What if I’m wrong though? What if this isn’t a birthday surprise and he’s actually just really excited about food? He really does love meat._

Akaashi chances a glance toward Bokuto, who is humming and grinning.

_I’m wrong to expect a surprise. I didn’t even tell him my birthday and I made a big deal about not wanting to do anything. I’m being selfish to hope that’s what this is. It’s all just a coincidence._

Akaashi feels that sinking feeling of guilt gripping at his gut. He shuffles closer to Bokuto to comfort himself. Bokuto looks over to him and smiles while rubbing his arm.

“That cold?”

_No. That selfish. That much of an ungrateful shit._

Akaashi hums instead of giving a real answer. Real answers create questions. Questions he wants to avoid at all costs. Bokuto doesn’t usually pick up on things, but when he does he doesn’t let them drop. The only thing that matched his energy is his stubbornness.

“We’re almost there. Just a couple more blocks. We can get you some hot sake to warm you up.”

“That sounds nice.”

They come around the corner to the restaurant and start descending the stairs to it. At the bottom, Kuroo is standing outside the door, hands in pockets and red cheeks. Akaashi deadpans and side eyes Bokuto.

“Hello, Kuroo-san.”

“Yo, ‘kashi!”

“Why-“ Akaashi starts, but is interrupted by Bokuto yelling and waving his arms around like a lunatic bird.

“Whatever in the world are you doing here, bro?” He gives an exaggerated wink.

Both Akaashi and Kuroo give Bokuto a flat look at his terrible acting.

“Well, bro,” Kuroo dons his usual casual attitude and smirk, “I’m having dinner here. Cause, you know, that’s what you do at restaurants.”

“Why are you outside then?” Akaashi dryly cuts back.

“Ohoho?” Kuroo cuts a glare to Akaashi. “Can’t a man step outside to send a text and get some fresh air?”

“A man can, but I’m not sure you classify as a man, Kuroo-san.”

Bokuto busts out laughing as Kuroo stands there in shock from Akaashi’s rebuttal combined with the honorific.

“Come on, let’s go in.”

Bokuto pushes Akaashi toward the door as Kuroo opens the door for them.

“You guys can come sit with me.” Kuroo smirks as he follows them in.

“I don’t think they’ll l-“

“Thanks, bro! You’re the best!” Bokuto chirps, effectively cutting Akaashi off again.

Akaashi glares at the both of them before letting out a defeated sigh. He was terrible at declining Bokuto on his own. It was a losing battle to fight against both Bokuto and Kuroo when they had their minds made up. They had the force of a natural disaster when they get into something. Though, really, they were a natural disaster when they were in the same room for too long. God help anyone who ever had to live with them.

Kuroo leads them past the regular seating areas and toward the private rooms for parties.

“Kuroo-san, you got a private room just for yourself?” Akaashi tries to suppress his smirk but feels the corner of his lips twitch up.

Kuroo smirks back at him, fully aware they’ve been caught. “What can I say? I’m just that classy of a guy.”

“Very classy bro.” Bokuto nods. “The best classiest bro. The only bro for me.”

“Bro. You’re going to make me blush.”

They stop outside a sliding door. Several hushed voices are whispering inside and there’s the clinking of glasses.

“Kuroo-san, I don’t think this is your room. There seems to be people in here and one of your whole two friends is right here and while Bokuto is loud, I know Kenma isn’t.”

Bokuto makes a small “eep” and covers his mouth. He’s vibrating in place and likely to explode. He’s terrible at hiding his excitement. It’s one of the things Akaashi finds endearing about him.

Kuroo shakes his head and smirks. “Open the door already, you shithead.”

Akaashi sighs and shakes his head to clear it. He’s scared to open the screen. He’s scared to get his hopes up. Scared to hope they’ve not only figured out his birthday, but also planned a surprise for him. Scared that he’s being unreasonable.

He sees his own hands shake as he moves to open the door. The voices inside hush as he starts to push it open. Bokuto wraps his arms around him from behind and rests his head on Akaashi’s shoulder. He feels a hand on his other shoulder from Kuroo, who gives it a light squeeze.

As soon as the door opens, there’s cheering, party poppers being popped, and people yelling ‘surprise’. Akaashi stands there gaping and blushing. He sees Kenma, Hinata, Daichi, Suga, Tanaka, Kageyama, Tsukki, Konoha, Komi, Oikawa, and Iwaizumi all gathered around a large table. Several of them are wearing party hats. There’s already beer and bottle of sake piled on the table. The room has a few steamers hung for decoration and there’s several presents in a neat pile in the corner.

_What is this?_

A kiss on his cheek from Bokuto startles Akaashi back into reality.

“Happy birthday, Keiji!” Bokuto hums in his ear before releasing him.

Kuroo moves his hand from Akaashi’s shoulder and wraps him in a side hug. “Happy birthday, ‘kashi.”

Akaashi looks back and forth between the two, blushing and dumbfounded.

“Come on, Keiji! Let’s party!”

Bokuto tugs at his hand and pulls him in the room. He sits Akaashi at the head of the table and straps a party hat on his head.

Akaashi’s still too stunned to protest and lets it happen. He looks around at everyone. They’re all smiling and wishing Akaashi birthday wishes. He can’t believe it.

_Why? Why are they here? They don’t have to do this. Why would they go through the trouble for this? Wouldn’t they rather spend their Saturday night enjoying themselves instead of pretending to enjoy spending time around me?”_

Akaashi feels tears starting to prickle his eyes and his heart rate start to go into overdrive. He jumps up from his chair with a short “excuse me”.

He’s not sure if anyone’s calling after him or following him. If anyone cares enough to stop him. If anyone even noticed he’d left.

He quickly makes it to the bathroom and locks himself in a stall. He sits hunched over with his head in his hands. The tears start coming against his will and he forces himself not to wail out loud. No one needs to know. Not even strangers. Strangers ask questions. Strangers get police and medical professionals involved.

_Why? Why? Why? I’m such a useless burden. I’m not nice. I’m not fun to be around. Why are there people here? Did Bokuto force them to come? Did he pay them? What if they’re disappointed in me because I can’t react like a normal person would? What if they realize I’m just a waste of space?_

Akaashi’s starting to hyperventilate when there’s a soft knock on the bathroom stall. He holds his breath, so he won’t make a sound, but between the crying and his need to breath, strained sounds echo through the bathroom.

“’kashi. Let me in, please.”

_Kuroo?_

“Please, ‘kashi? I know you’re in there.”

_Why is he here? Why didn’t Bokuto come? Does Bokuto not love me? Am I nuisance to him?_

There’s a small thud, like Kuroo’s pressed up against the door. “Bo and I were kinda worried you’d panic or run if we surprised you. He wanted me to come comfort you if it happened since I’m better at that type of thing. I’m sure he’s close by, though.”

_A contingency plan? Am I that much of a bother they have to do that? Am I that weak?_

Unable to hold his breath anymore Akaashi lets his breath out and goes back to hyperventilating mixed with sobs.

Kuroo knocks on the door more urgently. “Please let me in. I don’t want you to pass out in there alone. If you don’t at least talk to me, I’m going to climb over from the other stall. You know I will.”

_He will._

Akaashi swipes at the lock and ducks his head back in-between his legs, trying to catch his breath but feeling like his lungs were being stomped on. He knocks the party hat strapped to his head off.

Kuroo steps in quickly and locks the door behind him. He kneels and pulls a paper bag from his coat pocket.

“Breathe into this.” He opens the bag and places it under Akaashi’s mouth.

Desperate, Akaashi takes the bag and huffs into it. Kuroo slides down onto the floor and leans his back against a wall. Akaashi’s breathing starts to calm down and he takes Akaashi’s free hand, holding it and rubbing circles on it. Feeling Kuroo’s affection only makes Akaashi sob more.

“Hey. Hey. Hey.” Kuroo softly whispers. “You don’t have to cry because you’re holding hands with me. I’m not that ugly.”

Akaashi lets out a dry laugh and a hiccup.

Kuroo squeezes his hand and rummages through his coat. “Here.” He holds a handkerchief embellished with little black cats under Akaashi’s face.

Akaashi trades the paper bag for handkerchief with his head still bowed, unable to look at Kuroo. Kuroo, who he’s always so mean to, is being so kind to him right now. Kuroo, who has no obligation to Akaashi, came prepared in case Akaashi freaked out.

Kuroo, who’s warm hand is making Akaashi a whole other kind of sad. Another wave of guilt flashes though him causing more tears to fall.

Kuroo doesn’t say anything. He just sits there and rubs Akaashi’s hand, exchanges handkerchief with bag or bag with handkerchief, and offers soft reassurances of “it’s okay”, “I’m not going to leave”, and “you’re safe”.

When the tears finally stop, Akaashi feels another wave of emotions that burn through him.

_I’m so stupid. Why did I freak out? Why couldn’t I just bear it until I got home? I had to ruin things for everyone. Kuroo’s been stuck in this tiny stall listening to me cry for who knows how long now. Bokuto must be worried sick._

“’m sorry.” Akaashi manages to whisper, just barely audible.

Kuroo gives his hand a squeeze and interlaces their fingers. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”

“But-“

“No buts. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

_But I have. I’ve ruined everyone’s day. Bokuto and Kuroo must’ve worked so hard to put this together and everyone took the time to come out here-_

Kuroo squeezes Akaashi’s hand. “Why don’t you tell me what you’re thinking instead of keeping it all inside?”

 Akaashi sniffs loudly. “Can’t.”

“I understand. That’s okay. You don’t have to. I just want to help you feel better.”

“Why?”

Kuroo jumps slightly at the question. Akaashi sneaks a peek at him. He’s got a light blush and his eyes are wide for half a second before he goes back to a neutral face.

“Because I want to. Because we’re friends and I care about you.”

_Why?_

Kuroo releases Akaashi’s hand and reaches up to ruffle his hair before retaking Akaashi’s hand.

“Yes, we are friends. And, yes, I still enjoy your company even though you’re mean to me. If anything, the jokes you make at my expense make me like you more.”

_Masochist._

“No, I’m not a masochist.”

Akaashi flinches at Kuroo’s reply to his internal thoughts.

_What the hell?_

Kuroo lets out a chuckle. “I’m good at reading people. Almost as good as Kenma. After all the time we’ve spent together and with how much Bo talks about you, I have a good idea what you’re thinking.”

“What?”

“Hm?”

“What am I thinking now?”

“That you’re so lucky to be holding hands with _the_ Kuroo Tetsurou.”

Akaashi tries to pull his hand from Kuroo, but Kuroo holds tighter. He lets out a defeated sigh before drying the rest of his tears and raising his head to look at Kuroo. Tears start welling up again as he meets eyes with Kuroo

“Hey.” Kuroo gives a soft smile instead of one of his usual smirks. “There you are, Starshine.”

Tears start rolling down Akaashi’s face again. “’m sorry.” He hiccups in-between sobs, starting to get more worked up. “I’ve ru-ined ev-very-one’s daaay.”

_I’m shit. I’m absolute garbage. I don’t deserve your kindness._

Kuroo stands up and slowly wraps his arms around him, slowly stroking his back. “No you haven’t. Nobody’s going to think that. They don’t know what’s happening. Even if they did, they wouldn’t judge you. They’re all good people. They’re here because they like you.”

“’re wrong.”

“Nope. I’m right. I know I’m right.”

Akaashi lets out a half-hearted scoff.

Kuroo hums and continues to rub Akaashi’s back. Akaashi finds himself leaning in closer to Kuroo and enjoying the embrace.

“Do you think anyone in there is a bad person?” Kuroo softly asks.

Akaashi takes half a second before shaking his head.

“Then why do you think they’d think so poorly of you?”

Akaashi stills, unable to vocalize his answer.

“Hm? Do you have an answer?”

Akaashi buries his face in Kuroo’s stomach and grabs his shirt so he can’t lean down to see his face.

“Stupid.”

“You? There’s no way. Smartest guy I know. Most patient. Attractively sarcastic. Beautiful.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“I already told you. I want to. I’ll say it as many times as you need.”

Akaashi shakes his head against Kuroo. “You could’ve been having a great time with everyone else instead of watching me cry in a bathroom.”

Kuroo hums. “Maybe so. But then you’d be in here passed out. Besides~,” Akaashi can hear the smirk starting to spread across Kuroo’s face, “now I can tell everyone I’ve been in the bathroom making out with you.”

Akaashi pulls back and looks at Kuroo with the best deadpan face he can manage with tears still on his face. “As if.”

Kuroo leans down and places a kiss on the top of Akaashi’s head. “Now I can say that I was kissing you in here without it being a complete lie.” He gives a smirk and Akaashi notices that his eyes look a bit watery.

Akaashi grabs the handkerchief and wipes his face again before taking a deep breath. “They’re going to ask if I was crying.”

“Just tell them I’m that bad of a kisser.” Kuroo shrugs.

That gets a genuine chuckle from Akaashi. He raises a hand to cover his mouth and rolls his eyes at Kuroo. “I can’t say that. Bokuto-san will flip.”

“Eh. He’ll know it’s a lie. I’m a great kisser.” He waggles his eyebrows at Akaashi. “Want to find out for real?”

“No thanks. I just stopped crying. I don’t want to start again.”

Kuroo takes a step back and claps his hand over his heart. “Ow! Murdered with just twelve words. Tell my kids I love them!” He starts to slide down the stall door dramatically.

Akaashi lets out another snort and shakes his head. “Thanks, Kuroo.”

Kuroo straightens back up and smiles at him. “Anything for you.” The moment feels a bit tender until he adds an exaggerated wink. “And I mean _anything_.”

“I take it back. You’re still the worst.”

“Thank you! I take that as a compliment!” He gleefully responds before donning a serious face again. “What do you want to do? Do you want to stay here for a bit? Go home? Go to my place? My bed is _very_ available to you.”

Akaashi shoots Kuroo a disgusted look before taking a deep breath. “We should go back out there.”

“No. What do you want to do? Not what should we do. Not what you think is expected of you.”

_Going back out there is scary. Kuroo’s right though. They’re good people. I’ll try trusting everyone. It’ll be okay._

“I want to go back out there. Let’s go eat and drink.”

“You’re sure?”

Akaashi gives a decisive nod before standing up. “Just let me wash my face and I’ll be ready.”

“Sure you don’t want to have a quickie as well? We probably have time for me to at least give you a blow job before anyone comes in.”

Akaashi pushes Kuroo’s face as he unlocks the door and pushes him out of the stall, muttering “The worst”.

Kuroo gives another smirk. “Told you that’s a compliment.”

Akaashi shakes his head before splashing some water on his face and looking into the mirror. His eyes are bloodshot and he’s pale, more so than usual. He looks as if he hasn’t sleep for a week.

_I look like shit._

“You’re as handsome as ever.”

“Does lying come as naturally to you as breathing?”

“Nope, but flirting does.”

A small chill runs through Akaashi. He’s not sure if Kuroo’s being serious or if he’s still trying to cheer him up, but it’s nice. Makes him feel warm and comfortable. Only a teensy bit repulsed. Mostly because it’s been one cheesy line after another.

When they exit the bathroom, Bokuto’s waiting just outside. He’s leaning against a wall, looking at the ground, and gnawing at his lip, which is bleeding. He hears the door open and immediately lifts off the wall, looking frantically back and forth between Akaashi and Kuroo. He opens his mouth to speak, or shout, because it’s Bokuto and that’s what he does when he’s excited, but he snaps it back shut and returns to chewing on his lip.

Akaashi walks up to him and wraps his arms around Bokuto’s torso and rests his head on his shoulder. Bokuto hugs him back tightly.

“I’ll give you two some alone time and let everyone know you’ll be back soon.” Kuroo says softly before leaving.

Bokuto leans his head against Akaashi’s and rubs his back. “I’m sorry for surprising you like that. We can go if you want. I’ll take you home and let you be alone if that’s what you need.”

Akaashi shakes his head and squeezes Bokuto tighter. “No. I’m okay now. I’m sorry I panicked.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for. It’s my fault. I thought you might panic. Or run. But I wanted to do something for you anyway. It was selfish.”

“No. It means a lot that you went through all the trouble. I appreciate it.”

“Keiji, you’re no trouble. Never will be.”

“Thank you, Koutarou.”

Bokuto kisses Akaashi’s temple. Akaashi pulls from Bokuto and gives him a peck on the lips.

Bokuto gives a giddy grin. “What do you want to do now?”

Akaashi looks down to the ground for a second, uncertainty starting to well up inside him again. He reaches for Bokuto’s hand and interlaces their fingers. “Let’s go back. I want to apologize and eat and drink with everyone.”

“You sure?” Bokuto squeezes Akaashi’s hand and looks hard into his eyes, searching for reluctance.

“Mhm.” Akaashi nods his head. “I’m told the food here is to-die-for. I’d be a shame to come all this way and not at least try some.”

Bokuto gives a wide grin before sloppily kissing Akaashi. “Let’s go then!” he all but shouts before pulling Akaashi down the hall and back to their private room.

They stop outside the door. Akaashi looks toward Bokuto confused, but Bokuto is watching Akaashi for the go ahead. Akaashi gives Bokuto a peck on the cheek before opening the door himself.

Everyone’s immersed in their own conversations looking cheerful. The alcohol has been opened and several glasses are already half empty. There’s noticeable tenseness from Kuroo and Kenma who know exactly what’s transpired. Akaashi takes his seat back at the head of the table. Bokuto sits to his left with Kuroo beside him and Kenma is at Akaashi’s left.

Kenma leans over and places his hand on Akaashi’s. “Happy birthday, Keiji.”

“Thank you, Kenma.” Akaashi bites his lip. Kenma’s eyes have always stared straight into his soul even if he didn’t want them to. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

Kenma hums and shakes his head. “Don’t be. Nobody’s going to mention it. Just enjoy yourself, okay?”

“Thanks. I’ll try.”

Satisfied, Kenma hums and pulls out his 3DS. He pulls his legs up in the chair and proceeds to shut the rest of the table out.

Akaashi gives a small laugh.

_He’s consistent._

“Keiji!” Bokuto shouts. “We have hot sake! You still want some?” He gives a big grin at Akaashi that makes his heart flutter a little.

“Yes, please, Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto pours them both a small glass. They clink them together, Akaashi giving a soft cheer to Bokuto’s shout. It’s smooth and warm and just what Akaashi needed to help take some of the edge off.

An employee slides the door open and brings several appetizers, placing them on the table strategically before bowing and leaving.

Everyone starts putting bits of food on their plates and the conversation goes up a few notches in excitement. Bokuto’s chatting to Akaashi about something; Kenma is playing his game; Kuroo is knocking back drinks like there’s not tomorrow while whining to Tsukki who looks utterly uninterested, but isn’t moving away; Daichi and Suga are whispering together looking like they’re about to snuggle or leave for the bathroom together; Komi, Konoha, Hinata, Kageyama, and Tanaka are shouting about something volleyball related; and Iwaizumi is calling Oikawa Shittykawa while Oikawa is pouting. They’re all trying their best to not bring a lot of attention to Akaashi.

“Keiji, try this!” Bokuto holds his chopsticks toward him with a piece of sashimi.

Akaashi leans in and bites it directly from Bokuto’s chopsticks. “That’s very good, Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto blushes at the gesture but vibrates in his seat. “Right? I hope you’re hungry because you need to try everything, Keiji! Everything!”

“I will try my best, Bokuto-san.”

As the meal passes, everyone individually or with their significant other gets up to come gives Akaashi a hug and chats with him. At first, Akaashi is apprehensive they’re going to ask what happened earlier or why he looks so pale, but no one mentions it. They smile softly, make jokes, ask him how school is, if he’s ready to graduate, if he has plans for Christmas, several ask when he’ll be available for another volleyball game, Oikawa asks when his next hair appointment will be, if he’s going to see that new movie. They ask him and talk to him about anything that isn’t what he doesn’t want to talk about.

Relief washes over Akaashi as the night progresses. It helps that he’s had a whole bottle of sake and he keeps getting hugs. Everyone’s gotten more affectionate than usual due to all the booze. Bokuto is practically trying to pull him onto his lap since he’s also a bit tipsy at this point.

Kuroo, on the other hand, didn’t stop at tipsy.  He’s utterly smashed and clinging on Tsukki, who looks displeased, but still isn’t attempting to push him off.

Akaashi doesn’t really know Tsukki. He’s only met him a few times since Tsukki doesn’t usually come out for any of their social gatherings. It didn’t really make sense why he would have chosen to come out today, but Akaashi soon realizes that he’s come as Kuroo’s date. Kuroo starts kissing on Tsukki’s neck, which results in Tsukki making a constipated face but otherwise doesn’t react, and murmuring things in his ear.

Akaashi feels his gut wrench as he catches Kuroo kissing on Tsukki. Something about it feels wrong. It shouldn’t, but it does. He tries to distract himself by resting his head on Bokuto’s shoulder and wrapping his arms around him.

Bokuto rests his head on top of Akaashi’s. “You getting sleepy?”

“Little bit.” Technically not a lie. Today had been exhausting.

“Ready to open presents then?”

Akaashi’s eyebrows furrow and he gives a small frown in confusion. “Presents?”

Bokuto lets out a loud chuckle. “Yes, presents! It’s your birthday! Of course, you get presents!” He gets up before Akaashi can say anything else and places a stack of presents on top of the table.

Akaashi’s mouth gapes open.

_These. Are. For. Me?_

The group cheers ‘Happy birthday!’ again and Akaashi feels silent tears running down his cheeks. Immediately Bokuto, Kuroo, and Kenma lurch in their chairs toward Akaashi. He quickly wipes his tears and gives a large smile.

“Thank you, everyone.”

Bokuto, Kuroo, and Kenma all give a sigh of relief.

“Oh, thank god!” Oikawa shouts from the end of the table.

Iwaizumi smacks him on the head. “Shut up, Shittykawa! You have no tact!”

The orange fluff-ball pops up and shouts, “Open mine first, Akaashi-senpai!”

“It’s not a contest, dumbass!” Kageyama counters causing the two of them to bicker.

Komi, Konoha, and Tanaka start chanting “Presents! Presents! Presents!”

“Alright, alright.” Akaashi gives a small laugh before grabbing one at random off the top of the pile.

“YAAAASSS!” Hinata jumps out of his chair and nearly hits his head on the ceiling. “I win!”

Kageyama punches in the stomach and collapses in the floor. Everyone turns their attention back to Akaashi. He raises an eyebrow but unwraps it nonetheless. To no one’s surprise, it’s a new volleyball. Akaashi chuckles, but thanks him genuinely.

He slowly makes his way through opening presents. Oikawa and Iwaizumi get him a nice wooden watch that’s both stylish and neat. Tanaka got him some very nice sake that’s supposed to give good luck. Kageyama bought him new kneepads for their future volleyball games. Konoha got him several pairs of socks with cute owls on them. Komi bought him some Nagasaki specialty treats from when he went on a trip there recently. Daichi and Suga got him a couple of nice journals for him to write in as well as a couple of new books he had been interested in. Tsukki got him an owl that was dressed up in a dinosaur outfit that Akaashi found to be the cutest thing he’d ever set eyes on.

Akaashi stared at the pile of presents and wanted to cry. It was too much for him. Too much money wasted on him. Two envelopes and one small package still remained.

“Do this one next.” Kenma grabs one of the envelopes and hands it to Akaashi. “It’s from me.”

Inside is a gift card for any of the online games. A very Kenma gift.

“Pick any game. Tell me and we’ll play together.”

_That’s his way of bonding._

“Thank you, Kenma. I will.”

Kenma gives a small smile and goes back to his game.

“Me next!” Kuroo cheers, still plastered. His arm is hooked around Tsukki’s shoulder and he’s leaning on him for support.

Akaashi rolls his “Yes, Kuroo-san. Whatever you say, Kuroo-san.”

He picks up the package and tears off the paper. Inside is book eight of Erased. Akaashi had the first seven but had never gotten around to getting the last volume.

Kuroo gives a suspicious laugh. “I noticed you didn’t have the last volume last time I was over. Perceptive, huh?”

“Very. Thank you, Kuroo-san.”

“Open it. There’s something inside.”

Akaashi quirks an eyebrow. “It’s not nude pictures of you, is it?”

Kuroo unwraps his arm from Tsukki and leans in with a maniacal smirk on his face. “No, but if you want some, you just have to ask.”

“The worst.”

Akaashi flips open the front cover to find two concert tickets. He pulls them out and starts reading them, confused.

_The Oral Cigarettes, December XX. Sendai._

The snaps his head up to Kuroo with wide eyes. “How did you get these?”

_I thought they were sold out. They always sell out._

Kuroo leans back in his chair, looking smug. “I just stumbled upon them. Thought you and Bo might like to go. Hotel is also already paid for. I’ll email you that info later.”

“I don’t know if I can accept these, Kuroo-san. They had to be expensive.”

“Take his money. Better yet, take all his money. Rob him blind.” Kenma dryly insists, not looking up from his game.

“Yeah. Take all my money. Enjoy yourself.”

Akaashi looks wide-eyed to Bokuto for help. Bokuto grins back at him before leaning back in his chair and puts his hands behind his head.

“Man, oh man. I think I’m super booked that weekend. Keiji, you might have to find someone else to go with you.” He looks towards the ceiling and starts whistling.

_It’s a good thing Bokuto didn’t have a passion for acting because that was the most atrocious attempt I’ve ever seen. It was even worse than earlier._

“That’s a shame, Bokuto-san. What about you, Kuroo-san? Are you available?”

Kuroo goes wide-eyed and points to himself. “Me?”

“Unless you see another Kuroo-san here.”

“You’d be okay with that?”

“I would.”

Kuroo turns to Bokuto. “You’re okay with that?”

“Bro. Do you even have to ask?”

“Bro.” The two stare into each other’s eyes for a moment while everyone else looks on uncomfortable experiencing their private bro moment. Kuroo turns back to Akaashi with a smile that meets his eyes. “Of course, I’ll go! It’s the weekend before your midterms start. I hope that’s okay.”

“No worries there. Thank you for this, Kuroo-san. I’ll be looking forward to it.”

“You’re welcome.” Kuroo gives a dopey smile and leans back in his chair, appearing much sober now.

Tsukki clears his throat and stands up from his chair. “Now that that’s settled, I’ll be on my way. Happy birthday, Akaashi-san.”

_What? I thought you were Kuroo’s date?_

“Thank you for coming, Tsukishima. I love the owl. It’s adorable.”

Tsukki bows and leaves without another word.

_What was that about?_

“Me now!” Bokuto shouts as he vibrates in his chair. Glasses start to rattle on the table from his movement.

“Hm. I rather not.” Akaashi smirks.

“Wha?” Bokuto slouches down in his chair and juts his lower lip out.

Akaashi chuckles and leans in to kiss him. “I’m just teasing Bokuto-san. I’m sorry.”

Bokuto perks right back up and the inhuman vibrating starts again. “Oooooopeeeeen it or I’m going to diiiieeeee!”

“I don’t think that’s a joke, Akaashi-kun.” Suga chuckles from his end of the table.

“Alright, alright. We wouldn’t want that.”

He gives a small giggle before tearing open the envelope. It has an owl on it with the phrase ‘Hope your birthday is a hoot!’ on the front of it that makes Akaashi smile.

_Owl puns. So very Bokuto._

Bokuto looks like he’s about to combust, so Akaashi quickly flips open the card to find an itinerary entitled Kyoto.

_Onsen, bamboo forest, temples, bathe with monkeys, theater, ninja museum._

Akaashi looks up confused at Bokuto. “You didn’t.”

“Oh, I did! We’re going to Kyoto after the semester lets out! It’s already paid for and I’m going to pamper you so hard!”

“I-“

“Nope!” Bokuto covers Akaashi’s mouth. “I want to do this. Let me do this for you. It’s going to be fun. You can’t say no. I won’t allow it.”

Akaashi crinkles his eyebrows and gives Bokuto a light glare. Bokuto grins and kisses his hand that’s covering Akaashi’s mouth where his lips would be.

“Please accept it.”

Akaashi blinks and lets out a sigh. He pulls Bokuto’s hand from his mouth. “You shouldn’t have, Bokuto-san, but thank you very much.”

“Kiss!” Konoha shouts.

Akaashi shakes his head and leans in to give Bokuto a kiss. He deserved a kiss at the bare minimum. He turns to everyone and stands up. “Thank you, everyone. You’ve made this the best birthday I’ve ever had.”

There’s a chorus of ‘happy birthday’s’ and ‘you’re welcomes’ all around.

“There’s still cake!” Komi jumps up and leaves the room.

_Cake_?

He comes back shortly after with a cake shortly after and a knife for it. A server follows him with several new plates for everyone. Cheers erupt again, making Akaashi hide another laugh.

_Never thought I’d be part of such a rowdy bunch._

They end up staying at the restaurant for hours. Akaashi’s tipsy and grinning ear to ear before it’s done. He silently watches people until they try to engage him in conversation, which they do a lot. He’s talked more tonight than he probably has his entire life. When he starts to lean on Bokuto with his eyes closed, Bokuto decides it’s time to get him home.

“Come on, Keiji. Let’s head out.”

“Gotta pay. ‘n get presents.”

“Tabs already paid. Kuroo’s gonna bag things up and bring them over tomorrow.”

“Paid?” Akaashi lifts his head and crinkles his eyebrows at Bokuto.

He gives a hearty laugh and gives Akaashi a peck on the forehead. “Yes, paid. You didn’t expect to pay for your own birthday dinner, did you?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Akaashi sways a little bit in his chair. “You gotta pay for things you eat.”

“Because it’s your birthday. We’re celebrating you.” Bokuto grins before standing up and helping him up. “Guys, we’re going home now!”

There’s a bunch of intelligible yelling of farewells and final birthday wishes. Akaashi gives another bow and thanks everyone before Bokuto leads him out.

They grab a cab to Akaashi’s place since they’re both too drunk to go through the hassle of riding the train. Akaashi’s grateful Bokuto’s doing the decision making because he feels woozy and just wants to sleep. He keeps going in and out of sleep. Or blackouts. He’s not really sure. He usually doesn’t drink that much, but he got caught up in all the fun.

When they get to Akaashi’s apartment, Akaashi pulls Bokuto in and goes straight to the bed. He strips and cuddles close to Bokuto, eyes forcing themselves closed.

“Thank you for everything, Koutarou. It means a lot. Really.” Akaashi manages to mumble out before he can’t fight his eyes anymore and starts to drift off. Bokuto replies as he hugs Akaashi tighter and kisses him, but Akaashi’s already half asleep as is only aware that there’s sound that’s probably coming from Bokuto.

The next morning Akaashi wakes to the familiar weight of Bokuto lying partially on top of him and a hangover. He sneaks from bed to grab water and aspirin. On the way he checks his phone to see what time it was and to make sure he hadn’t missed anything yesterday. He hadn’t checked his phone since he and Bokuto had left to go to the party.

There were several messages from everyone wishing him a happy birthday again, but there seemed to be someone important missing.

Akaashi’s forehead wrinkled as he went through his recent calls, messages, and emails.

His parents hadn’t wished him a happy birthday or even attempted to call him.

**. . .**

It’s early and it’s cold. Too cold for December. Akaashi sips at his coffee outside the station as he waits for Kuroo. They’re supposed to be meeting so they can head to Sendai together for the concert, but Kuroo is late. He’d figured Kuroo would’ve been so excited that he would’ve been unbearably early. Akaashi puts his bag down and pulls his phone out. No new texts from Kuroo. He sighs and finishes off his coffee.

_I’m sure he’ll be here soon. We’ve got a train to catch if he wants to have time to relax before the concert._

He readjusts his scarf and picks his bag back up. He feels good today. It’s not at all like the last excursion he had alone with Kuroo where he’d been blackmailed into going. He’s looking forward to this weekend even though that in itself was a strange feeling to him. The concert is going to be great. He gets to spend time with Kuroo, although he’s hoping he won’t regret it. He can’t bring himself to think too poorly of Kuroo anymore. Not after the incident on his birthday. But he’s not sure what to do with his sudden realization that Kuroo is attractive and a decent human being or the way his eyes are starting to draw to him unintentionally.

All that aside, Akaashi feels like he looks well today and it’s giving him a bit of confidence. He’s got his owl socks and his new watch on. He’s dressed nicely, and his blue scarf makes his eyes pop. He’s got his new journal and a couple of books in his bag in case he gets bored on the train. He’s ready for this weekend.

Footsteps approach and Akaashi looks up to see Kuroo looking dashing in his tight jeans, tight shirt, leather necklace, and short boots. He’s got a cup of coffee in each hand that makes him even more alluring. The coffee is the best part right now. Looking at it make Akaashi salivate a bit. It didn’t have anything to do with the way Kuroo was smiling at him and the way his jeans stretched over his thighs.

“Sorry I’m late. The line for coffee was madness.” Kuroo offers Akaashi the larger cup of coffee. “Venti cold-brew with two added shots of espresso and lots of extra syrup. That should at least take the murderous glint in your eyes away. I’ve got caned coffee and snacks in my bag for when you’ve finished that.”

Akaashi takes the coffee and greedily takes a sip. “You’re a fast learner.”

“Nope. Just pay attention when it’s important.” Kuroo sips his own coffee looking pleased with himself. “We better get going.”

Akaashi hums and they make their way to the train. They had a twenty-minute trip over to the Shinkansen before they could relax for a couple of hours. Thankfully, since it was so early, the trains weren’t crowded yet and they got away with cups of coffee and not bumping into people.

Kuroo already reserved seats for the Shinkansen, thankfully. Akaashi wasn’t sure if they were just incredibly lucky today or if Kuroo had mapped everything out so their trip would go smoothly. They get settled in and Kuroo offers Akaashi a couple of breakfast sandwiches he’d picked up with coffee.

“You really do think of everything, Kuroo-san.”

“You just underestimate me. I’m a smart cookie.”

Akaashi sinks down into his seat and takes a bite of his sandwich. “Are you?”

“Hey!” Kuroo pouts and sticks his tongue out. “Did you forget I’m a grad student?”

Akaashi whips his head over to Kuroo, who’s grinning smugly.

_I forgot he’s a nerd._

“That doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Just because you’re good at chemistry doesn’t mean you’re smart. There’s lots of people who excel at one thing but are hopeless at everything else.”

“Say that to my GPA and your coffee and snacks.” Kuroo sneers.

“Fine. I’ll give you that, but only because I don’t want you withholding food from me.”

“I would never. Contrary to your beliefs, I don’t have a death wish.”

“Then why do you keep saying perverted things to me?”

“Well, Starshine, that’s because I want to.”

“Ugh.” Akaashi gives Kuroo a glare and clicks his tongue at him. “What’s with this ‘Starshine’?”

“Clearly it’s my new nickname for you.”

“Why?”

“I like it.” Kuroo shrugs.

“You make no sense.”

“I do. Maybe you’ll figure out what I mean one day. But for now, do you want to nap or listen to music?”

“Nap. Always nap. If you can figure out a way with that big brain of yours for me to have coffee and nap at the same time I’d do that instead.”

Kuroo lets out a snort. “Why am I not surprised? I’ll brainstorm on it. I’ll wake you up when we get close. Hopefully with a solution.”

“Thank you. And thank you again for this trip and the concert.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

**. . .**

When they arrive in Sendai, they stop for a small lunch. It’s still too early to check into their hotel so they decide to hit the aquarium. Being with Kuroo is different than being with Bokuto. With Bokuto everything was always loud and fast-paced. He was easily excitable and highly affectionate. Sometimes a bit silly. At first, spending a long time with him was draining because Akaashi didn’t know how to handle so much energy. He didn’t know if he was expected to keep up with Bokuto’s enthusiasm. That was an impossible feat. But, over time, he was able to be himself and spend days in a row with Bokuto without feeling exhausted or annoyed. Now he just appreciated the time he spent with Bokuto. Wished it would never end.

But it would. All the good times would end eventually. That’s why he had to soak up as much enjoyment as possible before reality hit again.

He’d expected to feel tired and awkward around Kuroo. Kuroo always had a way of provoking people. It was something he could easily put on a list of talents, maybe even his resume. But, as they walked through the aquarium, he seemed sedate, if not nervous. His hands were firmly in pockets and he let Akaashi set the pace as they explored. Akaashi was aware of that cat-like gaze following him closely, observing every move, every facial expression he made, but he did his best to ignore it.

_He’s just making sure I’m not going to freak out or anything. That’s it. He doesn’t want a repeat of before, especially without Bokuto-san here to help too._

After the aquarium, they finally go to check into the hotel. Akaashi had expected something inexpensive since they were only supposed to be there for a night and not even a whole night with the concert being late in the evening. However, he was surprised to find a large room with two beds and a balcony. There was a wooden outdoor bath as well.

Akaashi stops near the entrance of their room. “Kuroo-san, what is this?”

Kuroo walks past him and tosses his bag on one of the beds. “What do you mean, what is this? It’s our room.” He stretches, causing his shirt to lift up slightly.

Akaashi’s eyes flicker to Kuroo’s stomach briefly before he takes a step inside the room and places his bag on the other bed. “Yes, but why is it so.” He racks his brain for the right words. “Needlessly spacious?”

“Needlessly spacious?” Kuroo echoes before letting out a laugh. “We’re on a mini-vacation. We’re allowed to have something ‘needlessly spacious’.”

Akaashi blushes but starts digging for some sweatpants. He wanted another nap before they left for the concert.

“Or is that there’s two beds?” Kuroo winks at Akaashi. “Just because there’s two beds, it doesn’t mean that we have to use both. It’s cold outside. I’d be happy to warm you up tonight.” He drapes himself on the bed, making sure to show off his long legs, and rubs the mattress in front of him.

“Don’t make me regret asking you to come with me instead of Bokuto-san.” Akaashi grabs his clothes and walks to the bathroom to change.

“You won’t regret it! I’m a great cuddler!” Kuroo yells after him.

_I bet you are. I’ll never know, though._

When Akaashi comes back, Kuroo’s sitting on the edge of his bed, still fully dressed. He stands when he sees Akaashi.

“I’m gonna hit the bar while you nap.”

Memories of Kuroo drunk and clinging and kissing on Tsukki flash in Akaashi’s mind.

“You’re not going to nap? We probably won’t make it back here until late. Checkout is early too.”

“You don’t want me to go?” Kuroo smirks.

“I don’t want to deal with a drunk or have to drag you back here.”

Kuroo puts his hands behind his head and starts walking to the door. “Don’t worry. I won’t be intolerable on this trip and this trip only. I’m just going to grab one drink and then I’ll come back and join you.”

Akaashi yawns and crawls into bed. “Alright, but if you wake me up early, you die.”

Kuroo leans on the wall and gives Akaashi a soft smile. “I know, I know. Good night, Starshine.”

_Good night, Kuroo-san_

**. . .**

Akaashi wakes before his alarm goes off. There’s a dim light on in the corner of the room and the sound of an occasional page turning. He rolls over to the direction of the light. Kuroo’s sitting on a chair in the far corner with a lamp on reading. He’s wearing reading glasses and his knees are pulled up to his chest. There’s an excited smile on his face as his eyes dart back and forth on the page.

_So un-Kuroo-like. Unguarded._

“What are you reading?”

Kuroo flinches and looks up to Akaashi. “Oh. Did I wake you?” He grabs his bookmark and closes his book.

Akaashi shakes his head and snuggles deeper in the blankets. “You can keep reading. It’s not time to get ready yet.”

Kuroo lets his legs down and stretches. “Why would I read when I could be spending time with you?”

Akaashi rolls his eyes and sits up, sliding back so his back is against the headboard.

_Naps are always the best. Sleep is probably the best thing ever invented. Coffee second._

He grabs his phone and checks the time. He’s got a couple of texts from Bokuto, which is unsurprising, but it’s less than usual.

_He must be trying to let us be this weekend. He’s so thoughtful._

“Are you hungry, Kuroo-san? We still have a bit of time before the concert.”

“Dinner and a concert with you, Starshine? I’m always up for dates with you.”

“I just woke up. I can’t handle your provocations right now.”

Kuroo gives a light chuckle. “Sorry, sorry. I’m ready when you are. Dress warm. Temperature’s dropped a lot since we’ve been here.”

Akaashi wrinkles his nose at that. It was cold before they got here. If it kept getting colder, he was going to have to use Kuroo for warmth. Since he still didn’t have much body fat from not eating, he couldn’t stay warm enough in this weather.

He dresses quickly, making sure to add a second shirt. He only brought one bag of clothes since they’re only staying one night, so didn’t think to bring additional clothing. He didn’t anticipate such a dramatic change of weather.

_Oh well. I’ll manage somehow._

As soon as they step outside the wind chill hits Akaashi and he instantly shivers and hugs himself for warmth.

“Here.” Kuroo takes his beanie off and pulls it on Akaashi’s head, making sure to cover his ears. “I didn’t think to bring gloves. We can get warm food and some drinks and it’ll help.”

“Thank you.” Akaashi shivers and presses close to Kuroo’s side for some additional warmth. “I hate the cold.”

“If you’d put on some weight, you wouldn’t be so cold.”

Akaashi doesn’t have a response to that. He knows Kuroo’s right. He expects Kuroo to press further, but he doesn’t. He does wrap an arm around Akaashi’s shoulder and pull him closer to his side though. Akaashi’s heart starts beating rapidly and his eyes go wide.

_What is he doing? This isn’t okay._

“Don’t panic. I’m not getting handsy. I’m only helping keep you warm. Bo will kill me if you get sick before midterms and your trip next weekend.”

_But still._

“Don’t worry about Bo. He wouldn’t be upset with either of us for this. He’s not the jealous type and I know you only have eyes for him.”

A pang of guilt runs through Akaashi.

_I’m. I’m not so sure about that anymore._

Akaashi purses his lips, looking for a reason to protest, but Kuroo’s warmth _is_ keeping him from shivering so hard it hurts. Thankfully, they find a restaurant soon after. And even more luckily, the heat in on full blast.

They both have ramen and beer. Kuroo tells stories about shenanigans that he and Bokuto have gotten into. He’s not afraid to tell the most embarrassing things they’ve done. Akaashi finds himself laughing freely and teasing Kuroo like they’re old friends. It feels easy. Easier than he’s ever felt around Kuroo. He’s not sure if it’s because he’s slowly starting to realize how good of a person Kuroo is or if it’s because he’s starting to admit to himself how attractive he finds Kuroo.

Admitting that Kuroo is attractive makes Akaashi shake his head.

_I can’t think about that right now. Objectively, Kuroo is handsome, but that doesn’t have anything to do with me. Maybe it’s just the beer._

“Thank you again for this, Kuroo-san.” Akaashi smiles down at his ramen.

“You don’t have to keep thanking me. I’m doing it because I want to. Can’t lie that I’m pretty excited you invited me to go with you, though.”

“Why wouldn’t I have?”

Kuroo shrugs and leans back in his seat. He puts his hands in his pockets again.

_He’s been hiding something._

“Just figured you rather spend time with Bo. Especially since I don’t think you like me very much.”

Akaashi frowns and furrows his eyebrows. “I guess I haven’t always been the nicest to you.”

Kuroo lurches forward in his seat. “No! I didn’t mean it like that. Just thought that you rather spend your time with Bo or Kenma. Someone like them. Someone you feel more comfortable around. You know. Someone you have more in common with.”

Akaashi hums. “No. I’m glad we came on this trip together. I’m having a nice time. And,” Akaashi looks back down to his ramen, “I think I finally understand why Bokuto-san is such good friends with you. Why you have so many friends that are such good people.”

Kuroo’s mouth gapes open a little and he stares at Akaashi. Thought is seeming to fail him.

“You’re a good person and a good friend, Kuroo-san. And I’m not just saying that because you’re treating me this weekend. I really mean it. You really look out for me, not just the other day at the restaurant. Thank you. I don’t know how to repay you for your kindness.”

There’s a blush across Kuroo’s face even though his mouth is still open in shock. He takes a second to recover from Akaashi being so nice to him. He clears his throat and looks out to the restaurant. “Keep smiling.”

“Huh?” Akaashi looks back up at him in confusion.

“Keep smiling and keep enjoying yourself. That’s how you can repay me. And not just today. From here forward. I don’t like to see you sad.”

_If you only knew. If you only knew my pain, Kuroo-san._

Akaashi gives a soft smile. “I’ll try my best.”

They leave the restaurant shortly after. It’s even colder now if that’s even possible. Kuroo once again wraps his arm around Akaashi to keep him from shivering violently. They have to catch a train to the venue. It’s packed, but warm so Akaashi doesn’t mind so much.

At the venue, Akaashi shops merchandise while Kuroo goes to purchase them beer. He picks a shirt out for each of them. They make their way to their seats and Akaashi holds the shirt he bought for Kuroo out to him.

Kuroo raises an eyebrow and takes it from him. “What’s this?”

“A token of my appreciation.”

“I told you the only thing I want is for you to smile.”

Akaashi gives his best grin. “Done. Now take the damn shirt.”

“Alright, alright. You twisted my arm.” Kuroo grins and puts the shirt on over the one he’s wearing. “Take a selfie with me?”

“Sure.”

Kuroo wraps his arm around Akaashi for the third time that night and presses his head against Akaashi’s. He takes a quick picture but doesn’t pull away.

“Kuroo-san?”

“Thank you, ‘kashi.”

Akaashi’s heart races at the intimacy of it, but Kuroo pulls away and returns to a respectful distance in his own seat.

The lights dim shortly after and the opening band come out. The opening bands are good, but Akaashi isn’t familiar with their music. He listens and watches them on stage, enjoying their energy. He watches Kuroo grin and sing along to several of the songs. Akaashi volunteers to purchase them more beer during the opening bands so they won’t have to in-between sets when it’s busy. Kuroo’s steadily getting more and more drunk as the night progresses and Akaashi finds it amusing to watch him. He’s a giggly drunk and so happy.

_How did I ever hate him?_

When The Oral Cigarettes step on stage, the crowd goes wild. Akaashi’s not sure he’s ever been in such a loud, excited crowd before. The energy is electric. From the second the first riff plays, Akaashi is memorized by their performance.

The concert was-. It was breathtaking for Akaashi. His eyes stayed glued on the stage the entire time, entranced by their performance. The music vibrated through his bones making enter a sort of disassociation. At some point, he and Kuroo ended up standing and shouting lyrics at the top of their lungs along with the song.

He’s having so much fun, he forgets everything else. He forgets the bad stuff. He forgets his pain. He forgets that his parents didn’t remember his birthday. He forgets that he should feel guilty about finding the way Kuroo’s heated cheeks and dancing so sexy.

The concert ends, and it takes Akaashi a moment to come back to reality. He sits back down, trying to center himself again and waiting for the crowd to disperse a little.

Kuroo plops down beside him and grins. “Did you like it?”

Akaashi gives a free laugh. “Did I like it? I’m pretty sure you know I loved it. I’ve never sang that much before in my life.”

“I’m glad.”

“Thank you again, for this.”

Kuroo shakes his head and ruffles Akaashi’s hair. “Stop thanking me, you dork.”

“I will if I want to!”

They bicker back and forth until they finally make it back outside. It’s even colder now and the wind has picked up. Small snowflakes are floating down. It’s that eerie quiet that occurs when it snows even though there’s still hordes of people that are more or less shouting since their hearing is temporarily damaged from the concert.

“Huh.” Kuroo holds his hand out and catches some snow in his hand. “It’s kinda early to be snowing.”

Akaashi gives a full body shiver and tucks his face down in his scarf.

Kuroo wraps his arm around Akaashi again as they walk back toward the train station. The ride back to the hotel is also intently quiet. Akaashi’s wide awake, still reveling in excitement from the concert, but Kuroo is starting to lean against him, his eyes fluttering shut every so often.

_Told him he should’ve taken a nap._

They manage to make it back to the hotel before Kuroo falls asleep, much to Akaashi’s relief. As soon as they get in their room, Kuroo walks to his bed and strips down to his underwear. Akaashi watches on wide-eyed. Kuroo’s not as muscular as Bokuto is, but he’s still toned. His wide shoulders and his tight butt that’s noticeable through his boxers, make Akaashi’s heart pound. Just from looking at Kuroo’s backside for a couple of seconds, he can feel himself starting to get aroused.

He turns quickly so his back is to Kuroo. He can hear Kuroo slide under the blankets without putting any more clothing on.

“Good night, Starshine.” Kuroo mumbles into a pillow.

Akaashi turns to find him face down in the bed with both hands pressing the pillow up to his ears.

_What a weird sleeping position. Maybe it’s because he’s drunk?_

“Good night, Kuroo-san.” Akaashi turns all the lights off before walking to the bathroom to change and brush his teeth.

By the time he gets back, Kuroo’s already snoring softly. He’s still clutching the pillow to his head, though. It occurs to Akaashi that Kuroo might have a hangover tomorrow, so he quietly slips back to the bathroom to grab a glass of water for him. He sets it beside Kuroo’s bed before getting into his own bed. There’s still a smile on his face that won’t seem to go away.

_I’ll have to thank Kuroo-san for this again tomorrow. I wonder if there’s something I can do for him?_

**. . .**

Akaashi wakes up shivering.

_Why is it so cold? Did we turn on the AC last night? Or is Kuroo sick?_

He opens his eyes to look around, but the room is dark, almost too dark. Akaashi paws for his phone and turns on the flashlight to look around. It’s only four and Kuroo’s bed is empty. He rubs his eyes and looks around the room more carefully. There should be some light coming from something. He reaches to flip on the lamp, but it doesn’t come on.

The door to their room opens and Kuroo comes in fully dressed.

“W-why is it so cold?” Akaashi asks, teeth chattering.

“Apparently,” Kuroo crosses the room and pulls his sheets from his bed, “it’s been snowing all night and it’s caused some major power outages. They’re working on it, but it might be awhile.” He throws the blankets on top of Akaashi before heading to the closet.

“What are you doing?”

Kuroo comes back with the spare blanket from the closet and throws it on top of Akaashi as well. “You’re cold, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, but what about you?”

“I’ll be fine. If I get cold, I’ll go find some whiskey or something.”

“Aren’t you going to sleep?”

“Nah.”

Akaashi sits up in bed and gets a good look at Kuroo. They only got back to the hotel a few hours ago. Kuroo looks ragged and like he’s suppressing shivers.

“Come on.” Akaashi flips the blankets down beside him.

“What?”

“Get in bed. You need to sleep.” Akaashi yawns and lays back down.

“Nah. I’m okay.”

“Kuroo-san, are you really passing up a chance to get in bed with me? You’re going to hurt my feelings. I thought this would be the request of your wildest dreams.”

“Well, if you say it like that.”

There’s shuffling as Kuroo changes from jeans to some night pants. There’s a dip in the bed as he climbs in and gets under the covers, making sure to keep distance between them. Akaashi turns the light on his phone back off and snuggles farther under the covers, his back to Kuroo.

“Thanks, ‘kashi.”

Akaashi hums and closes his eyes, trying to fall back asleep. It’s quiet for a while, each of them trying to will themselves to be warmer. The additional blankets helped, but it’s still too cold to sleep.

“Kuroo-san?”

“Hm?”

“It’s still cold.”

“Yeah.” He pauses, racking his brain for a solution. “Do you want some booze?”

“Nuh-uh.”

“I think I have another shirt?”

Akaashi turns to face Kuroo. He’s lying on his back now and staring up at the ceiling. Akaashi bites his lip.

_The best thing we can do right now to get warm is cuddle. Is it to forward of me to ask that? Will he tell Bokuto that I came on to him?_

Akaashi shakes his head, trying to clear his brain.

_Kuroo isn’t like that._

Akaashi scoots toward Kuroo and presses his body against Kuroo’s side. He wraps an arm around Kuroo’s waist and settles in.

“Uh, Akaashi?” Kuroo prompts, uncertain.

“Humans produce a lot of body heat. Sleeping against a person is like sleeping next to a lightbulb.” Akaashi mumbles into Kuroo’s chest. “Or do you not like it?”

“You’re okay with this?”

Akaashi’s eyes start to droop as he feels Kuroo’s warmth against him. Kuroo is comfortable. He thought it might be awkward, but he doesn’t feel uncomfortable or nervous at all.

“’m warm.” Akaashi grins. “Wrap your arm around my back and I’ll be content.”

Kuroo flinches but doesn’t offer response. A few seconds later, Akaashi feels Kuroo’s arm around his back, pulling him closer to Kuroo. Akaashi’s heart flutters in happiness and he wraps a leg around Kuroo’s.

Kuroo chokes on his own spit at that but rubs Akaashi’s back in response. “Good night, Starshine. Don’t hate me in the morning for this.”

“Could never.” Akaashi snuggles onto Kuroo more.

Before Akaashi slips into slumber, be feels a slight press to his head followed by some whispering.

**. . .**

Akaashi’s alarm makes him jolt out of bed. He turns it off and flops back down into bed next to Kuroo and snuggles back up against him to warm back up. Kuroo woke up from the alarm and is staring at the ceiling. He’s holding his breath.

“Kuroo-san, please breathe. I don’t want to drag you to the hospital in the snow. I hate hospitals.”

Kuroo lets out a sigh of relief. “Sorry. Didn’t know if you realized it was me you were snuggling.”

“Do I look like the type that doesn’t know who I’ve gone to bed with?”

Kuroo chokes at that. “We didn’t-!” He tries to sit up and pull away, but Akaashi wraps his arms around his torso and won’t let go.

“It was a joke, Kuroo-san. You’re too nervous right now and it’s making me uncomfortable.”

“But-“

“No buts. You’re warm and I don’t regret cuddling you. Now please come back.”

Kuroo lets out a sigh and lays back down. He wraps an arm tentatively back around Akaashi. There’s an uncomfortable silence, each lost in their own worries. Worries they’ve crossed lines and broken trust.

“We’ve got to tell Bo about this.”

“I had no intention of keeping it from him. He’ll probably kiss for you keeping me from freezing to death.”

Kuroo lets out a cackle. “You’re probably right there!”

“Mhm.” Akaashi lets out a deep yawn. “As comfortable as you are, I have the feeling we need to get ready to check out and head back home.”

“Uugh. But I’m sleepy.” Kuroo groans.

“Told you, you should’ve napped yesterday.”

“How could I sleep when I had the opportunity to watch you sleep though?”

“Kuroo-san, that is the worst attempt at flirting I’ve ever heard. Please never say something so creepy again. I’m going to pretend you’re just flustered because you’re cuddling me.”

“Damn. You sure know how to cut a guy down.”

“Only teasing. Are we going to get up, or do you want to pay the fee for late check-out?”

“Late fee.”

Akaashi smacks Kuroo lightly in the stomach before sitting up and rubbing his eyes. “Get up, lazy bones. Once we find power, I’ll get you some coffee.”

Kuroo gives a loud groan and fake sobs before jumping out of bed and searching for clothes.

They dress and gather their things quickly. They manage to brush their teeth and wash faces with the bottled water that was in the fridge. It’s still too cold and Akaashi finds himself still shivering fully dressed even with every bit of clothing he’d brought with him on.

The entirety of the hotel is still dark. Several guests are moving about and some are sitting by a large window watching the snow continue to fall even though there’s a noticeable temperature drop by the window. Thankfully, there’s still staff members at their posted stations. They walk up to the counter and the hostess greets them cheerfully.

“Good morning. We were needing to check out.” Kuroo sleepily informs them.

“Good morning! Are you from out of town?”

“Yeah. Heading back to Tokyo.”

“Unfortunately, because this snowfall is so early and so much, Sendai wasn’t prepared to deal with it. The trains and all the power in this area are down.”

Kuroo and Akaashi look to each other panicked.

“However,” the hostess continues, “as you can tell, our power went out as well due to our backup generators failing. Since it’s our fault many were left without electricity and heat last night, we would like to make it up to our valued guests. We’re offering guests a free night and free meals. Would you like to stay another night or until the trains are running again?”

Kuroo looks to Akaashi with fear in his eyes. “You have midterms this week. You’re not going to miss them, are you?”

“They don’t start until Wednesday. Another day here won’t interfere.”

“Are you sure? You don’t need to go to class?”

Akaashi shakes his head. “Even if we don’t get back to Tokyo until Wednesday, I’ll be fine.”

“We could get a cab.”

“All the way back to Tokyo in the snow? No way, that’s too expensive.” Akaashi turns to the hostess. “Thank you for your generosity. We would like to stay another night, if you’ll have us.”

“Of course! Here are meal tickets for each of you. Our kitchen is working with small generators and gas grills, so we won’t be able to prepare our usual meals, but we hope you’ll bear with us. Since this is all so sudden, we’ve extended breakfast until eleven. Lunch will be from one to three, and dinner will be at six. Thank you for understanding.” They bow.

Akaashi and Kuroo bow back before heading back to their room.

“You’re sure about this? You realize they may not get power back by tonight?”

“I’m fully aware of that, Kuroo-san. We get another day of vacation and neither of us have to absolutely be back in Tokyo today. It’s fine.”

They leave their bags back in the room before heading out to breakfast. While the hostess insinuated the food would be sub-par, it turned out to be delicious making Akaashi wonder what it was like normally. The hotel felt bad and was giving away as much food as possible too.

After breakfast, they wander back to their rooms. Neither of them had brought anything to do aside from play on their phones and read. Neither wanted to waste battery life just in case it would be awhile until they could charge them again.

They sprawl out, each on their own beds now, staring at the ceiling. The hotel didn’t have any sort of amusement. Sleeping felt like a waste.

“Why don’t we go visit a shrine?” Akaashi suggests.

“You want to go outside? You’ve been shivering the whole time you’ve been awake.”

“Don’t you want to see it covered in snow? I think it’d be beautiful.”

“You’re right. I’m up for anything.”

It’s almost a mile walk to the shrine. It takes them a long time as they maneuver through the snow. Overnight it had accumulated several inches and was well past their ankles. Undaunted, they kept moving forward, telling jokes and admiring the city wrapped in a white blanket.

Akaashi was right. The shrine was absolutely breathtaking covered in snow. Akaashi chanced a few pictures with his phone so he could show Bokuto later.

They end up wandering around the shrine for a long time. There’s a small snowball fight and before they know it, the sun is starting to set already.

“Damn short winter days.” Kuroo grumbles as they start to head back to the hotel.

“Hm. I like them. The sky is really beautiful in winter when you can see it.”

The clouds from the snow have cleared out and there’s a soft pink, yellow, and purple on the horizon visible through the buildings. Akaashi sticks his hands under his armpits in attempt to warm them. Having a snowball fight with no gloves hadn’t been their brightest idea, although he can’t say he regretted it in the least.

“Give me your hand.”

“Hm?” Akaashi looks toward Kuroo confused but offers his hand anyway.

Kuroo takes his hand and interlaces their fingers. “Apparently, humans produce a lot of heat. It’s my fault your hands are cold, so I should take responsibility.”

Akaashi’s heart thunders at Kuroo’s hand in his. He’s sure that Kuroo’s body heat is working fast because his palm is starting to sweat.

_It’s just because it’s cold. There’s nothing more to it._

“Look at you, taking responsibility for the first time in your life. I’m so proud. Maybe we can buy you a plaque to commerate.”

“You little shit.”

Kuroo grabs Akaashi and tries to shove his cold hand inside Akaashi’s shirt, but Akaashi is faster and runs away. They chase each other giggling, before Akaashi finally wins. He shoves his hands, complete will a little bit of snow, under Kuroo’s shirt and onto his stomach.

Kuroo yelps at the coldness. He grabs Akaashi’s wrists and pulls them above Akaashi’s head.

“You’re going to pay for that, Starshine!” Kuroo tightens his grip and leans forward threateningly.

Akaashi holds his breath. Kuroo’s face is so close to his own. They’ve been having so much fun, part of Akaashi is yearning for Kuroo to take the leap and lean in to kiss him. Kuroo stares into Akaashi’s eyes as if he’s contemplating the same thing. Akaashi can see the internal strife taking place within Kuroo but isn’t bold enough to make a decision himself.

Kuroo’s loyalty to Bokuto wins over the intimate moment.

Akaashi’s not sure if he’s relieved or disappointed.

Kuroo releases Akaashi’s wrists, swoops down to grab some snow, tears off the beanie he’d loaned Akaashi, and mashes snow into his hair. Akaashi lets out a yelp before running away.

“You jerk!”

“Payback, baby!”

The sun is getting dangerously low in the sky and there’s no sign of the street lights coming on, so they call a truce and head back to the hotel holding hands again.

**. . .**

The hotel still doesn’t have power when they get back, but they have decided to make ample use of the many fireplaces. The hotel serves hot cocoa after dinner. Akaashi and Kuroo sit near one of the fire places soaking up its heat, enjoying the cocoa, and reading.

They both occupy the same small couch with a blanket partially covering them. Kuroo is sitting normally, while Akaashi has his back to the armrest so he can put his toes under Kuroo’s butt. His feet were still cold from running around in the snow all day without boots. He really hadn’t been prepared for snow. He peeks over his book to watch Kuroo reading. Unlike earlier when he thought he was alone, Kuroo keeps a neutral face and only moves to turn the page or get a sip of cocoa. Akaashi snuggles deeper under the blanket.

_This feels so domestic. It’s kind of nice._

Akaashi’s eyes flicker back up to Kuroo, who is deeply invested in his book, though still maintaining a neutral face for the public. Akaashi wiggles his toes a little and pretends to read his own book intently. Kuroo jumps a little and shoots Akaashi a glare. Akaashi chuckles silently to himself.

They stay like that for hours until Kuroo finishes his book. He closes it and stares off in the distance sighing.

“Was it good?”

Kuroo jumps a little at Akaashi’s voice but turns to him with a soft smile and distant look on his face like he was still in the other world and not in reality with Akaashi.

“Mhm. Really good.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

The clock strikes eleven and chimes several times causing them to look around. The crowd around them had disappeared and the fire is starting to dwindle.

“Yeah, but we probably need to go to bed.”

Akaashi wiggles his toes under Kuroo’s butt again. “Alright. You can tell me all about it in bed.”

“I’ll be too busy doing other things with my mouth to worry about telling you about the book.”

“I’m going to hold you to that, Kuroo-san.” Akaashi grabs the blanket and heads back toward the room before Kuroo can respond or see his blush.

Akaashi changes first and dives into his bed where all the blankets still reside. When Kuroo finishes changing, he does a sort of shuffle at the end of the bed, as if he’s unsure if he should get in or not.

“You can’t possibly be thinking about sleeping on that other bed when all the blankets are on this one. I’m not giving them up either. None of them. Might even steal the fitted sheet off that one.”

“I don’t know if I should” Kuroo trails off.

“What did you say to me? Don’t worry about what you should do. Do what you want to do.”

“But that’s-“

“No excuses. Do you want to sleep in a warm bed or do you want to freeze to death?”

“What about you?”

“I choose warmth. You also still have to tell me about your book.”

Kuroo groans and does a little shuffle at the end of the bed before jumping on it and getting under the covers. They’re both shivering since their room is still so cold. Akaashi immediately latches to Kuroo.

Kuroo tries to form some sort of word, but Akaashi cuts him off.

“Your book. Tell me about your book.”

“Al-alright. So-“

Kuroo tells Akaashi the main parts of the entire story, making sure to make comments on his favorite parts and themes he particularly enjoyed. He waves his arms around and changes his voice to suit the characters. Akaashi is fascinated by how he tells the story and with how much energy he puts into to. When he finishes Akaashi asks him all about his childhood, when he met Bokuto and Kenma, how he was handling graduate school.

For every question Akaashi asked, Kuroo asked one back; when Akaashi played volleyball, what he writes about, and why he chose to pursue a business degree. Akaashi omitted some things, but mostly gave truthful answers. Unlike Bokuto, Akaashi got the uneasy feeling that Kuroo would know if he was lying.

Akaashi’s half-asleep and in a sleep-deprived late night high when he lets slip a question that had been bothering him for a week.

“What was that about with Tsukishima?”

“What do you mean?”

“You brought him as your date. Then he just up and left. You didn’t seem bothered by it at all.”

“Hmm. He wasn’t really my date.”

“You were kissing him.”

“Yeaaahhh. But it’s not like that.”

“Then what’s it like?”

“Hng.”

Akaashi feels Kuroo tense under him. He lets out a deep sigh before speaking again.

“Tsukki was there to support me.”

“Support?”

“To distract me and hold me back from doing something stupid.”

Akaashi furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

_Doing something stupid? Does he have a problem with someone there? He spoke highly of everyone when he was helping me, though._

“Stupid like what?”

Kuroo grinds his teeth before answering. Akaashi expects him not to answer at all, but Kuroo rarely declines to give him an answer if it wasn’t someone else’s secret. He was a surprisingly open person.

“From getting jealous of you and Bo.”

Akaashi’s eyebrows contort even more.

“Why would you be jealous of us?”

Kuroo lets out a huge sigh.

“You don’t get it, do you?”

“Because you’re still in love with Bokuto-san?”

Kuroo gives a dry laugh.

“You’re not wrong there. Not surprised you noticed that. But that’s not it.”

“Then what?”

“I don’t want to tell you. You’ll hate me.”

“No. I used to hate you. I couldn’t now.”

“Oh, yes you could.”

“Just tell me, Kuroo-san.”

“Okay.” Kuroo takes a few deep breaths. “Tsukki was there so I wouldn’t try to kiss you.”

Akaashi freezes.

_Kiss? Me? Why?_

“I knew we’d all be drinking. It’s one thing if I kiss Bo or Kenma, we’ve all done it before, but I can’t just kiss you out of the blue. Especially when you’re dating Bo. I almost kissed you during Bo’s party, so I begged Tsukki to come and be my self-control. I didn’t want to disrespect your boundaries.”

There’s silence while Akaashi tries to process what Kuroo’s said. He’s still frigid against Kuroo.

_I guess there were more contingency plans than I was aware of._

“Pleasedon’thateme.” Kuroo adds on quickly. “That’s also why I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to sleep in the same bed without you knowing how I feel about you. And oh.” Kuroo snaps his mouth shut.

_How you feel? How do you feel?_

“Ah! I might as well get it all out because I wouldn’t blame you if you avoided me from now on. Akaashi, I like you. And not in just a ‘you’re attractive’ way like I tend to make it seem. I like your sarcasm, how you’re reserved but also goof off sometimes, your patience, your caring for others, the contrast between your serious personality and love for adorable things, even your dire need for coffee in the mornings. I haven’t felt this way in a really long time. And I know that I don’t have a chance and you’re dating my best bro and it’s selfish of me to even hope that I’d even ever get to hold your hand, but I want that more than anything. But I’m not going to mess things up for either of you. I’ll just be the best bro I can be and stay in my place behind the scenes. And I’m sorry for this entire trip. I’m sorry I’ve been lying to you this whole time. You thought we were just here as friends goofing off, but I’ve been pretending that this is real. That this is real life and back home in Tokyo is the fantasy.” Kuroo takes a few deep breaths. “So there. That’s it. I’m so sorry. I’m selfish garbage and I don’t deserve your time or kindness.”

_He feels all that for me?_

Akaashi’s still frozen trying to make sense of words and connect them to meaning. To make sure what he heard means what it thinks it means. He starts to dig his nails unintendedly into Kuroo’s side, making him flinch in pain.

“Please say something, ‘kashi.”

“I. I don’t know what to say.”

“Are you mad? You can punch me. I’ll go sleep out in the hall.”

Akaashi tightens his hold on Kuroo. “I’m not mad. Just processing.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Kuroo dryly laughs. “Really? Did you listen at all? I’m in love with both you and Bo and I’ve been lying to both of you about it. Not only that, Bo doesn’t know I have feelings for you and he _encouraged_ me to go on this trip with you. On which, I’ve held your hand, cuddled with you, and almost kissed you. I’m despicable. I almost couldn’t hold myself back earlier. I wanted to kiss you so bad.”

“Why didn’t you?”

Kuroo turns his head toward Akaashi and Akaashi shifts so he can look at Kuroo’s face. There’s tears running from the corners of his eyes even though he hadn’t made any sound to indicate he’s crying. Akaashi silently reaches up and wipes tears from one side of his face. Kuroo grabs Akaashi’s hand and holds it to his face.

“I don’t want to hurt either of you. I don’t want to hurt the people I love.”

Akaashi’s heart wrenches.

_Kuroo has been in so much pain. He’s been aching while we’ve been immersed in our happiness. He’s been such a good friend to Bokuto and I, but we’ve been hurting him._

“I’m sorry.” Akaashi whispers.

Kuroo flinches and closes his eyes. “You don’t have to answer me. I know the answer. You asked, and I wanted to be honest with you. That’s all.”

Akaashi strokes his thumb across Kuroo’s face. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I didn’t realize. Not really. I thought you might have some lingering feelings for Bokuto-san, but I didn’t know for sure. You always seem so composed. And it never occurred to me that I was anything to you.”

“You are. Have been for a long time.”

“Kuroo-san?”

“Hm?”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Anything.”

“I.” Akaashi’s voice gives out. He continues in barely more than a whisper. “I wanted you to kiss me earlier too.”

“What?”

“I want to kiss you now, but I’m scared.”

“Wh-“ Kuroo’s voice gives out on him and he starts to back away from Akaashi.

“Kuroo-san.”

Kuroo freezes at Akaashi’s sharp tone and looks away.

“Do you really think Bokuto-san doesn’t know everything about you? You two have some sort of alien bro wavelengths that, quite frankly, creep me the hell out. It’s unnatural to the highest order. There’s no way he hasn’t realized you still love him and-“ Akaashi bites his lip and looks away. “There’s no way he doesn’t realize you have a crush on me. You go out of your way to help me and he sees it, I’m sure. He knew what he was doing when he gave up his place to let you come on this trip with me. Think about it.”

Kuroo bites his lip and looks anywhere that isn’t Akaashi.

“Bokuto-san put the ball in our court to see what we wanted. He’s been in an open relationship with you before. You know he’s open to the idea. I think the only reason he broke up with you before is because he needed time and space to heal after all the terrible things that happened, and he didn’t want you to suffer because of it. While it’s not something that he and I have discussed, I don’t think it’s something he’d be against. So what will you do, Kuroo-san?”

Kuroo’s eyes flicker back to Akaashi.

“Will you kiss me or not?”

“What. What if you’re wrong?”

“Then I’ll apologize to Bokuto-san. It’s my idea, not yours.”

“What if you’re right?”

“I don’t know. We’ll figure it out.”

“Are you sure?”

Akaashi closes his eyes to keep from rolling them. Kuroo’s too sensitive right now for that kind of thing.

“Tetsurou. Trust me.”

Kuroo’s lips come crashing down on Akaashi’s and they pull each other closer. Akaashi’s heart is racing, but he’s melting into Kuroo’s touch. Kuroo runs his tongue over Akaashi’s lips and Akaashi eagerly opens his mouth to taste Kuroo. They make out softly, legs entangled and hands in hair, until Kuroo pulls back. He’s flushed and looking a bit out of it.

“I. Uh. I can’t keep kissing you like that. I’m going to lose it if I do.”

Akaashi leans up and gives him a soft kiss on the cheek. “Let’s get some sleep.”

They fall back into comfortable positions and slowly fade into sleep.

The power, and with it the heat, comes back on in the middle of the night, but neither of them separate.

They don’t talk about it on their way home. Once they leave the station in Tokyo, Kuroo steals a quick kiss on Akaashi’s cheek before quickly heading toward his own apartment without another word.

_What in the hell happened this weekend?_

**. . .**

Akaashi dives head first into studying for midterms instead of having serious discussion with Bokuto or Kuroo. Bokuto is giving Akaashi time to study and has promised to only minimally text him until Friday afternoon when they leave for their trip. Kuroo has his own tests to attend to but has sent a few texts. None of which, were of anything monumental. They were more thinly veiled attempts to make sure Akaashi didn’t despise him than anything.

The guilt starts to come in waves. The harder Akaashi tries to focus on studying, the harder the guilt hits. Bokuto hasn’t asked about the trip at all yet and Akaashi is almost dreading seeing Bokuto after exams. He assumes that Kuroo has also used exams as an excuse to not speak much to Bokuto since Bokuto hasn’t mentioned it and Kuroo hasn’t called apologizing profusely for letting it slip. Akaashi felt bad since both of them were avoiding Bokuto, but he was too scared of what would happen.

_I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I kissed Kuroo. I’m dating Bokuto, but I still kissed Kuroo. I even encouraged it._

Akaashi face-tables, giving up any hopes of studying.

_I should regret it. I should. I don’t though. I’m a terrible person. What if I hurt Bokuto? What if Kuroo realizes it was a mistake? What if they both hate me?_

Akaashi knocks his head against the table several times. Flashes of Bokuto’s grin paired with his white hair and Kuroo’s honey eyes contrasted with his dark hair go through his mind.

_I hate myself._

**. . .**

For better or worse, exams pass quickly and Akaashi’s packing his bag for the weekend. He knows he didn’t do as well on exams as he would’ve liked, but he can’t bring himself to care. He’s too nervous. That’s compounded by the fact that Bokuto will be meeting him at any moment. It’ll be the first time Akaashi’s seen him since they got back.

He wants to vomit.

The guilt spreads quicker than his gag reflex and he finds himself running to the bathroom.

_I’m garbage. I’m lower than garbage. I cheated on Koutarou. He’s always so kind. How could I ever do that to him? I deserve to die. I don’t deserve Koutarou’s love or Kuroo’s affection. I don’t deserve that. I’m deceiving them._

Akaashi lurches into the toilet again.

_I deserve this. I don’t deserve to go on this trip with Koutarou. I should run away. Tell him to go with Kuroo. They’re both good people they deserve happiness. They can find it together. Not with me._

Akaashi’s eyes land on his disposable razor. He calculates how hard it would be to detach the blades and how deep he could drag them into his skin.

A knock on the door startles him. He quickly flushes the toilet and gargles some mouthwash. He didn’t need to worry Bokuto. That’d just hurt him even more.

Bokuto greets him with that grin that grin that has the power to make world peace feasible. As soon as Akaashi has the door open far enough, Bokuto’s tackling him in an embrace that knocks the wind out of Akaashi.

“I missed you Keiji! I missed you so much! How was your trip with Kuroo? How were finals? Did you do well? I bet you did! Are you excited about our trip? I’m so excited about it! I couldn’t sleep last night! Are you ready to leave?”

Bokuto’s still crushing Akaashi’s ribs so the only response he offers is a wheeze.

“Oh! Sorry Keiji!” Bokuto steps away, still grinning at him like he’s the best thing he’s ever laid eyes on.

_Don’t look at me like that. I’m no good. Scum doesn’t deserve smiles._

“Bo-“ Akaashi’s words get stuck in his throat.

“Yeah, Keiji?” Bokuto tilts his head a bit with his grin not faltering one bit.

_We can’t leave this apartment with this lie. I can’t let him go on this trip with me. Not like this._

“I. We. I need to talk to you about something. Something important. About my trip with Kuroo.”

“Oh yeah?” Bokuto bounces on his toes. “I can’t wait to hear about that! But we need to go soon. I want to hear everything when we get to the hotel, okay?”

“I-“

Bokuto leans in and kisses Akaashi before heading into his room and grabbing his bag.

“You got everything already?”

_No. I’m missing the most important thing. But I want to go with you anyway. I’m selfish. So selfish._

“Just need my toothbrush and jacket, Bokuto-san.”

“Oh yeah! Did you pack extra clothes just in case it snows again?”

Akaashi does a full body flinch and freezes. He takes a deep breath before turning to face Bokuto again.

“Mhm. I did. I learned my lesson this time. Packed a couple of books as well just in case.”

“Books? Keiji do you think I’d ever let you get bored enough to read while we’re on a trip?”

_No. Because you’re thoughtful and eager to please._

“You’re right, Bokuto-san. Those are just for emergency and when you’re sleeping.”

Akaashi shoves his toothbrush in his bag and Bokuto hoists it over his shoulder.

“Yeet! Let’s go Keiji! I’ve got bentos and drinks for the trip!”

Bokuto practically drags Akaashi out of his apartment and to the station. The subway is crowded, and they end up pressed against each other silently. Once on the bullet train, Bokuto starts pulling food after food from one of his bags.

“Bokuto-san, did you pack anything besides snacks?”

“Of course! I got clothes, my phone charger, condoms, lube, mmph-“

Akaashi claps his hand over Bokuto’s mouth in a panic. Bokuto licks his palms, causing him to jerk his hand away disgusted.

Bokuto grins at him. “You asked.”

“I should’ve known better.”

Bokuto lets out a heartfelt laugh. “Yup! But, anyway-“

He launches into story after story entertaining Akaashi. Akaashi tries to pay attention the best he can, but his mind keeps going back to ways to admit to Bokuto that he cheated on him. Bokuto doesn’t seem to notice that he’s only partially paying attention and continues with his stories and discussions without faltering in the slightest.

They make it to the hotel in a horribly quick daze. Akaashi’s following Bokuto to their room not even really realizing where they are. Bokuto guides Akaashi into their room first. Akaashi’s met with a stupidly large room complete with separate sitting area and small kitchen.

_Another needlessly spacious and expensive room. Why do they waste so much money on me? Don’t they realize I’m not going to be around forever?_

Bokuto wraps his arms around Akaashi’s waist from behind him and kisses him on the cheek.

“Bokuto-san, why do we have such an extravagant room? Isn’t this a bit much?”

“Nope! I wanted an even bigger room, but it was unavailable! Can you believe that!”

“But-“

Bokuto gives a few sloppy kisses on Akaashi’s neck. “I’m spoiling you so hard this weekend Keiji, remember?”

“I understand you want to treat me, but I rather you not go broke trying to do it.”

“I rather spend every last dime on you than keep it stashed in a bank account.”

“Bokuto-san.”

“Besides, I have money. I have two jobs, remember? What I get paid for dog walking isn’t anything to sneeze at either. Only rich people can afford pets in Tokyo and they make sure I take good care of their dogs.”

“Bokuto-san.”

“There’s also a hot tub and an open air bath outside-“

“Koutarou!”

Bokuto stops and looks at Akaashi a bit wide-eyed before returning to that immaculate smile he’d been wearing the entire day.

“I. I have to tell you something.”

Akaashi crosses the room and sits on the edge of the bed. His legs feel weak and part of him wants to run while the other part wants to vomit. Bokuto follows him to the bed, but instead of sitting beside him, he kneels on the floor and wraps his arms around Akaashi’s waist. He nuzzles his face into Akaashi’s stomach. Akaashi feels the bile rising in his throat and forces himself to swallow.

“Anything, Keiji.”

“I. I.” The tears start flowing freely down Akaashi’s face and he hiccups. “I cheated on y-you.”

Bokuto’s grip around his waist tightens, but he doesn’t speak. He doesn’t gasp. He doesn’t lash out. He just continues to hold Akaashi.

“I. I don-t k-know why I did it. I-I kissed Kuroo. We w-were cuddling cause t-there was no power and it w-was s-so cold. I ‘on’t know what came over me. I h-hated K-kuroo until recently. I just now realized he’s a g-good person. D-don’t be mad at h-him. It was my idea.”

Akaashi takes a few deep breaths and sniffs.

“I’m so sorry Koutarou. I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t mean to. I just convinced myself that you were okay with it. I don’t know why I thought that. Maybe I’m just a whore and I’ll s-sleep with anyone who’s nice to me.”

Bokuto pulls away from Akaashi’s lap. Akaashi snaps his eyes shut. He can’t bear to see Bokuto’s heartbroken face. He can’t see him cry. He’s not brave enough to handle it.

He’s not met with tears or angry shouts. There’s hands on his face, wiping away tears. Bokuto rests his forehead on Akaashi’s making Akaashi wail in response.

“Hey, hey, hey. You don’t think I’m mad, do you?”

“W-why wouldn’t you b-be? I f-fucked up.”

“You didn’t fuck up, Keiji. Look at me, please.”

Akaashi squeezes his eyes tighter shut and shakes his head violently.

“Please, Keiji?”

He had no right to decline any of Bokuto’s requests right now. Akaashi sobs a few more times before slowly opening his eyes. Bokuto’s right there smiling at him. It’s not that maniacal grin he had earlier. His face is full of concern and his eyes rove over Akaashi as he wipes more tears from his face. There’s no anger. No sadness. No surprise.

“Breathe for me, okay? I don’t want you to have another panic attack. I’m not always good at those like Kuroo is.”

The mention of Kuroo’s name makes Akaashi start bawling again.

“Whoops.” Bokuto gives a sheepish grin. “I’m not upset though, Keiji. I’m not.”

“B-because you h-hate m-me.”

Bokuto shakes his head and grabs Akaashi’s hands. “I could never.”

“B-b-but.”

“I’m not. I’m really not. I’m not mad at either of you.”

“W-why not?”

“I figured it’d happen.”

_You thought I would cheat on you?_

“W-what?”

“Shhh-shh-sh. Breathe for me. I know Kuroo better than I know myself. I don’t know everything about you, but I’m getting there. Kuroo’s had a crush on you since day one. And I know he still has feelings for me. You seemed to hate Kuroo for the longest time. But recently, I’ve noticed you’ve gotten a lot nicer to him. How you hated watching him kiss on Tsukki.”

“W-why’d go let him go to Sendai with me instead of g-going then?”

“Because I wanted you two to have that. To spend that intimate time together.”

“W-why? Are y-you tired of m-me? A-are y-you b-breaking u-up wif me?”

Bokuto scrunches his face up. “Break up with you? Never!” He squeezes Akaashi’s hands again. “Sending Kuroo with you was actually kind of selfish on my part. I wanted to see what came of it, but I see now that I was wrong. Kinda figured I goofed when both of you were avoiding me when you got back.”

“I’m s-sorry! I didn’t know how to t-tell you!”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. Neither of you did. Like I said, I thought something might happen between you two. Kind of disappointed it was only a kiss and cuddling, though.”

“Wh-what?”

“You like me, right?”

“What?”

“Do you like me?”

Akaashi nods furiously, confusion slipping on his face.

“Okay. You like me. You also like Kuroo. Kuroo likes both of us. I love both of you. You weren’t wrong when you said you thought I would be okay with it. Well,” Bokuto hums for a second, “as long as it’s Kuroo. Or even Kenma.”

“W-what are you trying to say?”

“You remember Kuroo, Kenma, and I used to be together, right? If you want, we can have the same sort of thing. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t ever want to leave you. But I also love Kuroo. Like, I said, I’m being selfish here. I want to be with both of you. I want everyone to be happy.”

Bokuto closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

“That’s my proposal. I love you. I love Kuroo. I want to be with both of you. I think you both want to see each other as well as me. I know. I know it’s sudden. It’s not something we’ve ever talked about before, but I hope it’s something you’ll consider. I think after I talk to Kuroo, he’ll want the same. The decision is really up to you. You can take all the time you need. I’ll respect what you choose, no matter what.”

_He said he loves me._

Akaashi opens his mouth but is at a loss for words. Instead of addressing everything Bokuto just poured out, be focuses on one thing.

“You love me?”

Bokuto looks confused for half a second before he gives a wide grin. “Of course I love you, Keiji. I’ve loved you for a long time.” He leans forward and gives Akaashi a soft peck on the lips.

“Oh.” Akaashi bites his lip. “I-“

Bokuto kisses Akaashi again and whispers against his lips. “You don’t have to say it until you’re ready. I know you do.”

Akaashi pulls Bokuto into a hug and kisses him back. “I do. I love you, Koutarou.”

“Keiji.” Bokuto climbs on Akaashi’s lap and pushes him back onto the bed, kissing him feverishly. “Keiji. Keiji. I love you so much. Please don’t cry anymore. I hate it when you cry. Just smile. Smile for me.” Bokuto makes loud kissing sounds as he kisses down Akaashi’s neck and tickles his sides.

Akaashi busts out into a giggle from being tickled and grabs Bokuto’s hands. He pulls Bokuto back toward him, so he can kiss him again.

“I love you so much Koutarou. Thank you.”

Bokuto kisses Akaashi back. “Feel better now?”

“Mhm. I do. Exhausted though.”

“Want to take a nap before dinner?”

“Only if you’ll nap with me and cuddle me.”

“I’m going to cuddle you so hard Keiji!”

**. . .**

They’re halfway through dinner when Akaashi drops his chopsticks in astonishment.

“We need to tell Kuroo. He’s probably been worried sick.”

Bokuto chokes on the food he was chewing. After a few coughs he lets out a hoarse, “Oh shit!”.

“I.” Akaashi looks back down to his own plate. “I don’t have an answer. To all this.”

“I don’t expect you to. I can talk to him. Clear the air and stuff.”

“I think I’d like to.”

“You sure?” Bokuto bites his lips and furrows his brow. “You don’t have to. It’s my fault anyway.”

“It’s not. I’d like to talk to him a bit. I want to apologize.”

**. . .**

After dinner Akaashi heads to their room while Bokuto “explores” the hotel. Exploring is just his way making use of his nervous energy and giving them privacy.

Akaashi grabs a blanket and settles into one of the recliners. He tucks his feet up under him and pulls out his phone. He pulls up Kuroo’s contact and just stares at it.

_Don’t make him wait any longer._

Akaashi snaps his eyes shut and presses the call button. It only rings a couple of times before Kuroo answers.

“Akaashi! Is something wrong? You never call! Are you hurt? Is Bo hurt? Do I need to come to Kyoto?” There’s loud noise as Kuroo moves around grabbing things. “It’s too late to get there by train-“

“Kuroo-san.”

“-but if I get a cab I can get there faster. You’re not dying, are you?”

“Kuroo-san.”

“Did you two fight? Is it my fault? I fucked up, I’m so sorry Akaashi!”

“Tetsurou!”

Kuroo stops rambling at the sound of Akaashi raising his voice.

“Everything is fine. No one’s dying. We didn’t fight. Just breathe.”

“Y-you’re sure?”

“Positive. Everything’s fine.”

“Oh.” Kuroo lets out a long sigh. “So, what’s up Starshine? Did you just want to hear the sound of my voice?”

_Flirting really is like breathing to him._

Akaashi lets out a light chuckle. “Something like that.”

“You sure you’re okay? That doesn’t sound like you.”

“Mhm. I’m having a nice time. We-.” Akaashi chews his lip for a second. “I told Bokuto-san about what happened.”

Kuroo gives an audible gasp, and goes to start another barrage of questions, but Akaashi beats him to it.

“Tetsurou, just listen to me for a minute, okay?”

“O-okay.”

“Thank you. Before you go into a full-blown panic attack that Kenma has to deal with, you should know that I was right.”

“What?”

“Bok, no. Koutarou’s not mad. He still loves you too. He noticed that there’s something between you and me. He wants to try a relationship between the three of us. Since you two have done that before, he left the final decision up to me.”

“Ho-. Hold on. I need a second to process.” Kuroo’s silent for a minute and Akaashi can just picture him rubbing his temples. “Okay. What I hear is my best bro and one of the loves of my life just set me up with the other love of my life in some sick sort of plot to get us all to date?”

“That’s what it appears like.” Akaashi hums and snuggles deeper in the chair.

“I’m going to kill him. I’ve been worried sick.”

“Please don’t kill Koutarou. I kind of like him. I agree that his plot wasn’t idea, but we’re at fault here too.”

“Yeah. You’re right.” Kuroo sighs and there’s a sound of rustling sheets. “What do you think about all this?”

_It’s harder to break up with two boyfriends instead of just one, but I’m selfish. I want it. It’s scary though._

“I’m going to need more time to think about it. I’ve never considered anything like that before.”

“Yeah. I understand.”

“But I don’t regret it, Tetsurou.”

“You don’t?”

“Do you?”

“Hell no.”

“Me either.”

“Woooooo. I feel so much better. Thank you for letting me know.”

“I thought you’d appreciate it.”

“Now that that’s all over,” Kuroo drops his voice, “what are you wearing?”

Akaashi suppresses a grin. “Koutarou’s shirt and boxers.”

“You think you’re being mean, but that just sounds hot~.”

“Good night, Kuroo-san.”

“Good night, Starshine. Sweet dreams. Kiss Bo for me too.”

**. . .**

Bokuto stays gone for a while so Akaashi takes advantage of the open-air bath. Since it’s a hot spring, they channel the water from that to the more expensive rooms. He makes a cup of hot tea and sinks into the tub. It’s freezing outside, but the heat from the tub makes it comfortable enough that he’s not freezing or over-heating.

Akaashi’s enjoying his bath and tea when he hears Bokuto come into the room with bags rustling. He’s talking on the phone, presumably to Kuroo, by how excited his is and how he keeps saying ‘bro’. He ends the call soon after and comes to find Akaashi.

“Keiji!” Bokuto sits on the edge of the tub and gives Akaashi a kiss. “See? I told you the bigger room was a great idea!”

“It is nice. I need one of these at home.”

“We can totally do that!” Bokuto hums and looks around, imaginary numbers and ideas going through his head. “Yup. Totally feasible. If we can’t find one, then it’ll just have to be built.”

“Was that Kuroo just now?”

“Yup!”

“What’d he say?”

“Uh. He had a lot to say. He yelled at me a little.” Bokuto grimaces.

“But everything is okay now?”

“Everything’s perfect now!” Bokuto throws his arms up in the air in excitement before bringing them back down and donning a serious face. “Except for one thing.”

Akaashi raises an eyebrow. “Oh? And what is that?”

“There’s enough room in there for two people and you haven’t invited me to join you. Quite frankly, I’m offended.” Bokuto crosses his arm and fake pouts.

“I’m sorry, Koutarou.” Akaashi chuckles. “That was rude of me. I’ll be utterly devastated if you don’t join me this very instant.”

That bright grin returns and Bokuto throws his clothes off in record speed before jumping in. He wraps his arms around Akaashi and pulls him in close to kiss him.

“I’m glad we came on this trip together, Keiji.”

“Me too, Koutarou. Thank you for everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not mean for this to get so long. Whoops. At least it's like 2 chapters in one since it's been so long since I updated? 
> 
> I've learned something while writing this chapter. I love Bokuto, but I absolutely hate writing his character when I'm not manic. It's so hard to capture all his energy.
> 
> It only gets worse from here, folks. Jump ship now. You can pretend this is the happy ever after if you squint and tilt your head a little.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. *pulls suitcase from attic*
> 
> TW: Lots of mention of homophobia.  
> TW: F slur (one time)  
> TW: Shit tons of suicidal ideation.  
> TW: Getting on to more specific planning

To the surprise of literally no one, Kuroo was sitting outside Akaashi’s apartment door when they got back from their trip late at night. When he hears Akaashi and Bokuto, well mostly Bokuto because it’s Bokuto, approaching he quickly scrambles up to greet them. He kind of staggers toward them but stops and awkwardly pockets his hands like he doesn’t know if it’s appropriate to approach them or not. Like he’s an intruder who’s going to get scolded or like Bokuto’s going to sock him for kissing his boyfriend even though he’d already spoken to both of them and collectively agreed to it.

Bokuto grabs Akaashi’s hand and they awkwardly halt about ten feet away from Kuroo. Akaashi can see Kuroo visibly stiffen and arch his back a bit like a cat who sees a dog. Appropriate since Kuroo is essentially a cat and Bokuto is joyful and energetic like a dog and is also a dog walker.

“Hey, bro.” Bokuto gives a small wave.

“Heyyy.” Kuroo gives a small strained smile back, only barely making eye contact with Bokuto and completely avoiding Akaashi’s eyes.

Bokuto squeezes Akaashi’s hand and turns to him, trying to suppress a grin. “I’ll give you two some time to talk.” He gives Akaashi a small peck on the lips before turning to Kuroo and giving him a hug.

Kuroo returns the hug and buries his face in Bokuto’s neck. There’s some whispering that Akaashi can’t make out between the two of them. When they break apart, Bokuto gives Kuroo a hard slap on the back.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, bro!”

“Thanks, buddy!” Kuroo calls back with a soft adoring smile as he watches Bokuto leave.

Bokuto gives one final kiss on Akaashi’s cheek before leaving. “Good night. I’ll text you tomorrow too.” He gives a wink before heading to the stairs quieter than he’s ever been.

Akaashi watches Kuroo, who looks more relaxed since his hug with Bokuto, but still hasn’t looked Akaashi in the eyes.

_Did. Did he change his mind?_

Kuroo’s still got a soft far-off look as he intently stares at the stairs Bokuto disappeared at.

“Let’s go in. I’ll make us some tea.” Akaashi pulls his keys from his pocket and heads to the door to unlock it.

Kuroo does a little jump at being addressed. His hands are back in his pockets, but he adorns that casual meaningless smirk he likes to have when he wants to piss someone off.

“Ohoho? You’re willingly allowing me into your apartment? You must be in a good mood.”

Akaashi unlocks the door and does a half turn so he can give Kuroo a flat look. “I did just bang Koutarou in one of the private hot springs, so I am feeling pretty relaxed.”

Kuroo chokes on nothing as Akaashi opens the door and heads in with a deadpan expression. He eyes Kuroo who’s too busy trying to catch his breath to walk yet.

“See? You need something to drink. Get in here.”

Kuroo clears his throat and steps in tentatively. It’s only then that Akaashi realizes how much he’s shivering and how pink his cheeks are.

_He’s been out there for a while waiting for us to get back._

Akaashi sets his bags down as Kuroo is taking off his shoes. Soon as he’s done, Akaashi steps toward him and pushes him against the wall. He presses his lips against Kuroo’s and runs one hand over an ear and into his hair.

_Like ice._

Akaashi gives another slow kiss on Kuroo’s lips and pulls back. Kuroo follows him a little before slowly opening his eyes like he was in some sort of dazed state.

“Starshine?” Kuroo whispers and cocks his head into the hand Akaashi still has in his hair. His eyes are half lidded like he’s stuck between lust, fear, and confusion.

Akaashi can’t help but to lick his lips and lean in for another slow kiss. Kuroo wraps his arms around him and pulls him flush against him. Akaashi’s almost lost in Kuroo’s embrace, almost, before Kuroo shivers and reminds him of his main goal. He pulls back and places both hands over Kuroo’s cold cheeks.

“You’re freezing. Did you not ask Koutarou to text you when we got close?”

Kuroo grabs both Akaashi’s hands and shakes his head. “He did, but I wanted, no needed, to be here before you got here, so I kind of ended up here when Bo told me you were boarding the train.”

_That was at least three hours ago._

Akaashi’s mouth drops open in a mix of pity and something indescribable. Something like being horrified that Kuroo was stupid enough to do that and shame that he felt the need to do it.

“You’re stupid. You know that, right? I’m surprised the neighbors didn’t call the cops on you.”

Kuroo leans in and gives Akaashi a quick peck on the lips. “I know.” He gives that Cheshire cat grin that so frequently gets him in trouble.

“What a pair of idiots.” Akaashi rolls his eyes and pulls away from Kuroo. “Go take a hot shower. I’ll try to find you something to wear and make some hot tea.” He starts walking to the main room.

“You’re not going to shower with me?” Kuroo purrs.

Akaashi turns with a smirk. “You’re not even my boyfriend. Why would I do that?” He points to the bathroom door. “Shower is that way.”

“Ouch.” Kuroo winces. “I think I just came untouched by that fatal blow. Pretty sure my heart exploded too.” He heads toward the bathroom quickly since he’s still freezing. “The offer is still on the table if you change your mind!” he calls just before closing the door.

_So ridiculous._

Akaashi shakes his head and sets out to find clothing. Eventually, he settles on some of Bokuto’s clothes that he “accidently” kept leaving. He was slowly trying to leave part of his wardrobe there. Things just kept accumulating even though Akaashi kept sending clothes back home with him. It was beginning to become a nuisance. He liked Bokuto, he did. And Kuroo. But, if he had their things when Spring rolled back around, it’d make things harder. He didn’t want to explain why he didn’t want to keep their things. It’d just be unnecessary hurt piled on. He just needed to slowly fade away.

Akaashi sits on the floor staring at the clothes he’d pulled out. He can feel that welling fear and pain starting to set fire inside him. His fight or flight senses starting to awaken. The shame.

_I’ve messed up. I’ve messed up big time. I’m supposed to fade away. I’m supposed to slowly detach from everyone, go on a trip, and never return. Now I have Bokuto, Kuroo, and so many others. Why am I so selfish? I’m just going around hurting people, so I can have a glimpse of joy before I end all my pain._

The tears start to spill from the corners of his eyes and he quickly scrubs them away.

_No. Not now. Wait until Kuroo leaves then you can breakdown. Crying creates questions. I can lie to Koutarou, but Kuroo will ask questions and won’t stop until he’s satisfied with the answer. If I can’t satisfy him with answers, he and Koutarou will double team me._

Akaashi shakes his head, quickly takes the clothes to Kuroo, and then starts making tea. He tries to clear his mind, to think of nothing, to just think of what he’s doing and the conversation he and Kuroo will no doubt have.

All he can concentrate on is the desire to scream. Just scream until his throat bleeds and his voice gives out. To open the balcony door and just let it- everything, the pain, the suffering, the shame and guilt- out, then pass out.

_Only a few more months. Enjoy the good things while you can. Then all the bad stuff can stop._

He takes a deep breath as the tea kettle starts to whistle. He makes them a cup of tea before heading back to the main room. Out of habit, he checks his phone. Bokuto’s already texted him making sure he’s okay and that he hasn’t murdered Kuroo yet. He gives a simple reply before starting to unpack his bag. He doesn’t really care about cleaning things up, he just wants to find the souvenirs he and Bokuto picked out for Kuroo. It’s winter break now, so nothing was getting done until he had to go back to school. Nothing. It wasn’t necessary unless Koutarou and Kuroo would be there.

Once he finds the bag of souvenirs, he sits back and sips his tea.

_What now? I don’t know what Kuroo’s here for or how to act around him yet._

Singing comes from the shower and Akaashi can only shake his head.

_What a pair. How did I ever fall for two complete and utter idiots?_

Kuroo hits a particularly bad attempt at a high note.

_At least he’s comfortable. Maybe I should make food? He has been waiting a while and it’s better than sitting here about to explode or break down._

Akaashi busies himself with heating up some leftovers that needed to be eaten while Kuroo finishes up showering. He’s busy trying to not set things on fire when Kuroo emerges from the bathroom and immediately wraps his arms around Akaashi’s waist for a hug.

“Shower and food? It’s like you never want me to leave.” Kuroo hums and kisses Akaashi on the cheek.

_As much as I’d like to spend time with you, I can’t right now. I can’t deal with how you look at me affectionately or how you joke with me or how you observe a little too closely._

“That’s where you’re wrong. I’m merely using you as a guinea pig, so I can figure out if it’s eatable for regular human consumption. If you die, then I will order takeout.”

“That might work if I didn’t have an iron stomach.” Kuroo sassily shakes his head side to side on Akaashi’s shoulder.

_Please stop. I can’t handle your affection right now. I feel so guilty about letting you in. I didn’t have a choice with Koutarou. He forced himself into my life. I chose to let you in even though I’m just going to hurt you. Both of you. All I had to do was keep my head down for a year and I couldn’t even do that._

“I seem to recollect otherwise. Remember the “Slap ‘Yo Mama” curry?”

Akaashi can feel the color and lifeforce drain from Kuroo and ascend to space.

“Why must you hurt me like this? Just thinking about it makes me want to barf.” Kuroo shifts so his forehead rests on Akaashi’s shoulder.

“Remember how Koutarou had at least four servings?”

“Oh my god! Yes! He’s a monster!” Kuroo nods and rests his chin back on Akaashi’s shoulder.

“The more he ate, the more chipper he got.” Akaashi shudders a little remembering. “I think he draws power from it. I remember thinking he was some sort of yokai.”

Kuroo lets out a cackle and squeezes Akaashi tighter. He gives Akaashi another kiss on the cheek before nuzzling his face against him.

“I missed you.”

The jolt of guilt shoots through Akaashi and the bile rises up in his throat simultaneously. His whole body stiffens in fear he’s going to retch.

“Sorry.” Kuroo starts to pull away. “Too much?”

_Say something. Anything. Don’t make him hurt because you’re a terrible waste of space. He doesn’t deserve that pain._

Akaashi swallows the bile down.

_This is why I didn’t want to see you right now. I can’t handle it._

“No, it’s okay. Just surprised. I’m not used to-” _What? Affection?_ “-all of this.”

Kuroo cocks an eyebrow before nuzzling him again. “I got it. Too much at once.” He gives a soft kiss at Akaashi’s temple before stepping away.

Akaashi misses Kuroo’s warmth and affection immediately, but he feels like he’s breathing again for the first time. He turns away from Kuroo pretending to check something, so he can take a deep breath without notice.

“Koutarou and I got you a souvenir from our trip. It’s on the table.”

“Aww.” Kuroo purrs. “You were thinking about me while you were letting Bo slam into you.”

Akaashi’s eyes widen and he turns to swat Kuroo with the spatula he’d been using, but he slips around Akaashi and runs to the living room.

_Damn quick cat._

“What’s the point of running if you didn’t run away?” Akaashi calls as he turns off the stove.

There’s crinkling of paper in the main room. “I got to see you embarrassed and now I’ll get to continue seeing you even if it’s as you murder me!”

“Koutarou did ask me not to murder you until after he’s fucked your brains out.”

Kuroo’s head whips around to Akaashi. His eyes are impossibly huge, and his eyebrows have all but disappeared. “

Akaashi covers his mouth as he lets out a light chuckle. He walks into the main room and sits on a mat several feet away from Kuroo.

“You little shit.” Kuroo grumbles. “I can’t believe I fell for that.”

He unwraps the rest of the package and pulls out the first item, a small plush charm of cat in a ninja outfit that they’d gotten at the ninja museum.

Kuroo gives a little gasp and examines it more closely. “I love it. I’m putting it on my backpack.”

“If you do that, nobody will be able to tell you apart from the cat.” Akaashi smirks.

Kuroo pouts before giving that catlike smirk. “I have no idea what you could ever mean, but I do love it.”

“I figured you would since I’m pretty sure you’re the one who picked out the stuffed animal Tsukishima got me for my birthday.”

“Damn. Busted.”

“Why do I get the feeling you paid for it too?”

“Cause you’re a damn mind reader?” Kuroo grimaces before pulling out another item from the bag; Kyoto sake. “Oooh. Want to drink this tonight?” He winks.

_Get drunk and roll around with you? Don’t tempt me. Sounds nice, but it gets in the way of not making meaningful memories with you and sleeping until I die._

“I think that’s more of a you and Koutarou type of thing.”

Kuroo sticks his lips out and pouts. “Oh. Okay.”

_Sorry._

“You don’t want to spend time with him?”

“I do!” Kuroo eagerly leans forward. “I just. I know Bo. I love spending time with him. I. I’m not scared he’ll run away. You’re skittish, though. You were skittish with Bo at first too.” His eyebrows furrow a bit remembering how Akaashi acted around Bokuto at first. “I want to spend as much time with you as I can. I just feel like you’re just going to fly away one day when I’m not paying attention.” Kuroo gives a small frown and stares down at the bottle. “I can’t really explain why. I just do.”

_You’re closer to the truth than you ever need to know. Those damn cat instincts are seriously going to be a pain._

“You’re being silly. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be with you two when you decide to open the sake, though maybe not participating.” Akaashi tries to give a soft comforting smile. One that is genuine enough to get past Kuroo’s impeccable instincts.

“Don’t break that promise!” Kuroo points to Akaashi with a grin before setting the bottle down.

“I would never.”

_I’m sorry I’m a liar._

Kuroo gives another childlike gleeful grin before grabbing the next item in the bag. He pulls out a wooden comb with a confused and annoyed look on his face.

“What’s this?”

“Well, Kuroo-san, that’s what we call a comb. I know you’ve probably never seen one before. That one in particular is made from bamboo and is a Kyoto specialty. You can use it to tame that awful bedhead you have. I picked it out for you myself.” Akaashi covers his mouth, trying to cover a snicker, but breaks out into a full laugh.

“I can’t believe it.” Kuroo stands up and walks toward Akaashi. “You are literally the meanest person hiding under that perfect angelic persona.” He leans down until he’s pushed Akaashi on the floor. “You call me the absolute worst and yet I think you’re worse than I could ever be.”

Akaashi gives a smirk as Kuroo straddles him. “Birds of a feather. You’re something like a cockatoo with that hair.”

Kuroo grabs Akaashi’s hands and pins his wrists down above his head. He leans in like he’s going to kiss Akaashi but moves his face last second to whisper in Akaashi’s ear. “You’re so dishonest. I can feel your erection for this bad haired, bird boy.” He turns and nips Akaashi’s ear, making sure to use as much tongue as possible.

Akaashi gives a light yip and struggles against Kuroo’s hold.

“Nope.” Kuroo kisses down Akaashi’s neck. “I’ve worried all week. I’ve been panicking all weekend. And now that I’m here and everything’s in the open, you’re acting like you don’t want me here.” He reaches Akaashi’s collarbone and sucks hard on it.

_No! That’s not it! I want you. I just-. I want to be with you and Koutarou. I just don’t want you to be with me. To suffer through that. I can’t take advantage of you like that._

“Ah!” Akaashi bites his tongue so he won’t cry out, but his hips lift against Kuroo’s ass.

“Wanna tell me why?” Kuroo sits back up and lets Akaashi’s hands go. He crosses his arms and stares at Akaashi hard. Hurt, but authoritative.

“Kuroo-san, do you really think I’d let you in if I didn’t want you here?”

“I hear your words, but I also hear you using Kuroo-san instead of Kuroo like you’ve been calling me recently and you answered my question with another question.” Kuroo raises one eyebrow.

Akaashi clicks his tongue involuntarily and bites the inside of his mouth.

_Damn cat. Looks like I’ll have to tell him some semblance of the truth or ask him to drop it. I doubt he’ll drop it if I ask._

Akaashi lets out a sigh. “I do want you here. I just-“ Akaashi bites his lip, still unsure of what excuse to use, unsure of how much truth he should let out. He didn’t realize this was a conversation he’d be having tonight. He’d forgotten how perceptive Kuroo is. “I’m not sure how I should act around you right now. Or how things should be between us until we’ve figured everything out.”

“Oh.” Kuroo crawls off Akaashi and sits on his legs with his hands resting on his lap. Akaashi wants to laugh because he looks much like a grade schooler about to be disciplined. “I’m sorry. I was just so excited, I didn’t even take into consideration how you felt and that you needed time still. I forgot that dating multiple people would be new a different for you since me and Bo have before and are all for it.”

Akaashi shakes his head and hums. “No. It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just didn’t want to give you false hope in case I decide that I can’t do a relationship with both you and Koutarou. It’s. It’s a lot to wrap my head around.”

_I’m sorry. I don’t mean to hurt you like this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m scum and I don’t know why you’d want to be with me. Just steal Koutarou from me and you two can live happily._

Kuroo’s eyes widen and he leans forward quickly about to say something, but snaps his mouth shut again. He closes his eyes for a few seconds and takes a few deep breaths. Ten seconds elapse before he opens his eyes again. “Thank you for being honest with me. I’ll, uh, keep my hands and affections to myself until, no unless, you give the okay.”

_I don’t want that. I don’t want to give the okay, but I don’t want to miss out on the warmth of your body. Fuck. Why? Why is it so hard? Existing is too difficult. Why can’t I just die? Everything would be so much easier._

The urge to scream hits Akaashi back full throttle. He wants to cry and break shit. He wants to run, he needs to run until he throws up and then break glass. Break everything.

But he can’t do that right now.

Instead he does something he knows he’ll regret. Because he already hates himself, so he might as well own it and give himself a reason for his hate.

_They say you should never do anything halfheartedly. Might as well loathe myself entirely._

He crawls forward and kisses up Kuroo’s neck. He can feel Kuroo shudder from the light tickle of his breath as he moves up. When he reaches his chin, he pauses. “I don’t want that. I don’t want you to stop being yourself or stop being affectionate toward me.”

He pulls back to look at Kuroo’s face. His eyes are closes and he’s just basking in Akaashi’s affections.

_He’s so handsome._

Kuroo peeks his eyes open a little, the amber of his eyes dazzling against his features. He lifts a hand, places in on the back of Akaashi’s head and gently pulls him forward for an open-mouthed kiss.

“I don’t think I’ll ever tire of kissing you, Starshine.” Kuroo breathlessly admits against Akaashi’s lips.

Akaashi’s gut twists in opposing needs. The need for Kuroo to keep kissing him and the need for Kuroo to realize what a lying wreck Akaashi is.

Akaashi hums. “If you keep kissing me, your dinner will get cold.” He leans in for another peck on the lips.

“Let it get cold.” Kuroo runs his hands through Akaashi’s hair and kisses him again. “It’ll taste perfect no matter the temperature since you made it.”

Akaashi gives a snicker and pulls away before he can become too intoxicated by Kuroo’s words. “Your flirty words won’t work on me, Kuroo. I had to put effort into heating the food up, so we’re eating it warm.” He crosses his arms and raises his eyebrows.

Kuroo whines and falls back onto the floor. “But your kisses are more than enough sustenance for me!”

“Pfft. Shut up and make a plate before I decide to kick you out.”

“You’re so cruel to me Starshine.” Kuroo sniffs and crawls up off the floor. “Are you going to feed me and then kick me out too?”

“It’s not out of the realm of possibilities.”

“No!” Kuroo latches on to Akaashi who’s in the process of making a plate for himself. “Don’t just throw an orphan out in the street! It’s cold out there!”

Akaashi rolls his eyes. “You’re not an orphan and I can’t believe you’re more dramatic than Koutarou.”

“Hehe. Where do you think I learned it from? He’s just masquerading around pretending to be a normal person when he’s at least thirty times more dramatic than I could ever hope to be. I’m the normal one here.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m the normal one.”

“Nah. You’re like a sheep hanging out with a bunch of wolves.”

Akaashi quirks an eyebrow and shakes Kuroo off him. “And what does that mean exactly?”

“Simple.” Kuroo straightens up and grabs a plate. “A wolf hanging out with sheep is clearly the threat. But, a sheep hanging out with a bunch of wolves is far more terrifying.”

“And I’m the sheep here and you and Koutarou are the wolves?”

“Precisely.”

“That’s a pretty narrow way to look at it. I’m more like the zoo caretaker that watches his idiotic pets break shit.”

“Sheep hanging out with wolves. Exactly what I said.”

“Yes, yes, Kuroo-san. Would you like to watch something while we eat?”

“I already have something to watch while I eat.”

“If it’s me I’m going to shove these chopsticks down your throat.” Akaashi clicks the chopsticks in his hand to further his point.

Kuroo does a little comical gulp. “A movie sounds great.”

“Smart wolf.”

“I’m a cat!”

“Smartass cat.”

“I’m your smartass cat though.” Kuroo crosses his arm and grumbles. He stares off for a moment before realizing what he said and jolts his head back toward Akaashi. “I mean-“

“It’s not like you to walk on eggshells, I don’t know why you’d start now.” Akaashi impassively replies while searching for his laptop.

“Yeah, yeah.” Kuroo scoots a bit closer to where Akaashi sets the laptop on the table and pulls Akaashi’s food closer to him so he’ll have to sit closer.

_He really wasn’t kidding about fearing I’d fly away. He’s like a cat latching onto a bird so it can’t escape. I think I’ve seen something similar before on the Discovery Channel._

Akaashi sighs and sits down beside Kuroo, who instantly inches closer so their shoulders are touching.

“You can pick the movie. I don’t care what.”

Kuroo does a little squeal and leans forward to search for something. “Get ready for the worst movie you’ve ever seen!”

“Great.” Akaashi grumbles and shoves food into his mouth.

_If I did ever live with both Koutarou and Kuroo I’d never watch a decent movie again._

A small smile makes its way onto Akaashi’s face.

_I don’t think I could mind it though._

They start the movie and Akaashi can feel that uneasiness rising up in him now that he wasn’t doing anything, and they weren’t talking. When they finish eating, Kuroo’s hand finds his own.

_We still haven’t discussed whatever he came here for. We’ve been dancing around it._

“Kuroo-san?”

“Hm?” Kuroo shifts so he can look at Akaashi but looks away when he notices Akaashi won’t meet his eyes.

“Are we going to talk about it? The reason why you’re here?”

Akaashi can see Kuroo’s eyebrows furrow from the corner of his eyes.

“I’m not sure what you mean. I’m here because I wanted to see you. If you want to discuss something, we can.”

“Oh.”

“What did you think I was here for?”

“I’m not sure.”

Kuroo wraps an arm around Akaashi and kisses his temple. “Don’t worry so much, Starshine. I’m not forcing you into anything and I’m not leaving unless you kick me out.”

“In general, or are you saying you’re moving in?”

“Well.” Kuroo puts more weight on Akaashi. “I wouldn’t be opposed to that, but for now I’d settle for just being allowed to spend the night at some point. Though I can’t even begin to hope for that right now.”

_Are you also going to start leaving stuff here?_

“You can stay over tonight.”

“Wait. What?” Kuroo pulls away so he can see Akaashi’s face.

“Only to sleep because it’s late. I don’t think we should-“ Akaashi bites his lip and trails off.

“You’re cute when you’re being shy.” Kuroo wraps his other arm around Akaashi. “But I’m not asking for anything. I’m sleazy, but I’m not that sleazy.”

“I know. If you were as sleazy as you almost constantly come off, I wouldn’t let you in my home.”

“You’re such a little shit. I’m going to start calling you Akaashit from now on.”

Akaashi wrinkles his nose and rests his head against Kuroo. “You’re not wrong, but I must prefer Starshine or Keiji coming from you.”

“Kei-“ Kuroo chokes and goes into a coughing fit.

“We’ve already shared a bed together, Kuroo. There’s no need to be so shy about using my given name.” He shakes his head. “I can’t believe I ever thought you would be smooth with your crushes.”

“You’ve got such a pretty mouth, but such ugly things come from it, Keiji.”

Akaashi’s heart pounds from Kuroo using his given name, but his brain quickly shuts it down.

_Those ugly things are just the specks of ugliness inside me that manage to escape. It’s all evil inside. I’m no good._

“Shut up and watch the movie.”

**. . .**

Akaashi woke to his phone ringing mercilessly across the room. There’s a groan beside him as Kuroo shifts and covers his ears with a pillow. He holds the pillow on his head with one hand and rolls, so he can wrap his other arm around Akaashi’s torso. His skin is hot against Akaashi’s and it makes Akaashi want to burrow closer to him, but that infernal ringing keeps going.

_Who the hell is that? Koutarou wouldn’t call like that and it can’t be anyone else._

Akaashi pulls himself from Kuroo’s limbs and drags himself from the bed. Kuroo lets out a soft whine but moves to make it easier. Thankfully, he’s lighter than Bokuto.

_If I ever share a bed with both of them, I’ll probably be crushed to death._

He fumbles around in the dark searching for the incessant irritating sound before discovering his phone in the kitchen, somehow. He doesn’t remember leaving it there and doesn’t know why it’d be there. The bright light hurts his eyes, but he peeks through mostly closed eyes to see that “Mom” is displayed on the screen.

 _Shit_.

“Hello?” He manages to rasp out.

“Hello, Keiji! Why did it take you so long to answer the phone? Where you still sleeping? It’s almost nine am!”

Akaashi tries to silently clear his throat so it doesn’t sound like he was sleeping. “Sorry. My phone was on silent.”

“That’s not very smart, now is it? What if there had been an emergency?”

Akaashi can feel himself shrinking back down to his five-year-old self getting scolded for sneaking cookies or staying up past his bedtime reading. “I’m sorry, mother. It won’t happen again.”

“Good. Now as to why I’m calling: you’re on Winter break now, right?”

_Shit. Shit. Shit._

“Yes, mother.”

“Great! Come home for your last Christmas before you become an official working man.”

It’s a demand, not a request, and it’s a demand that Akaashi can’t refuse. Not really. The repercussions for going against his parents were worse than what he’d have to go through from being around them.

“I-“ Akaashi starts, not wanting to go home with every fiber of his being.

“What? Did you have plans already?”

_I can’t tell her I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend and my maybe eventual second boyfriend. She’ll set Tokyo on fire. She’ll burn everything down just to get at me for not being the perfect child. To get to the men who corrupted her perfect child._

“I was just thinking the same thing, mother. I’d love to see you and father for the break.”

_Lies. Lies. It’s all lies. I have a PhD in lies and a Masters in appeasement._

“Great! We’ll see you by five then! Your father has some dinner reservations for the three of us already prepared.”

_Like me having plans or a life of my own never crossed their minds. Like me wanting to spend my last break before graduation relaxing isn’t acceptable. Dad will have me work and mom will have me clean. I’ve always got to be doing something. Always achieving somehow or otherwise I’m not worthy._

“I’m looking forward to it. Goodbye, mother.”

Akaashi’s mother hangs up without a “goodbye” or an “I love you”. He locks his phone and feels his shoulder start to shake in fury and frustration. He takes a deep breath, remembering that Kuroo was still in his bed and composed himself.

_No breakdowns until Kuroo is gone. Don’t give him a reason to ask questions._

He forces a tired deadpan expression on his face before heading back to bed. Kuroo’s sitting up, eyes still mostly closed, and facing where Akaashi came from.

“Sorry. That was my mother.” Akaashi rasps before crawling back into bed.

Kuroo remains sitting up, looking at Akaashi through barely open eyes. “You don’t sound too happy to talk to her.”

“I’m not happy to talk to anyone before noon.” He grumbles and pulls the covers up higher over him.

Kuroo slides back down and presses his warm skin against Akaashi’s, making him turn toward him and cuddle against him.

“Noted.” Kuroo strokes Akaashi’s hair. “You’re going to go visit them?”

“It’s rude to listen to other people’s conversations.”

“Sorry. I hear a little too well. How long?”

“The rest of winter break.”

“Oh. Bo didn’t tell me about that.”

Akaashi doesn’t have to look. He knows Kuroo is frowning and looks hurt. He may not seem like it, but he gets just as hurt as Bokuto does about things like that.

“He didn’t know. I didn’t know I was going until just now.”

“Oh.” Kuroo runs his hands through Akaashi’s hair again. “Well, you have me and Bo if you need someone to keep you occupied while you’re gone.”

Akaashi hums. “If one of you could water my plant one or twice, that’d be great.”

“You can count on us!”

“Why am I not reassured in the slightest?”

“Bo went to school for Botany!”

**. . .**

Kuroo left just before noon, though not without whining and suggestive comments, so Akaashi could wash laundry and pack to go home. He sent Kuroo with his key since he wouldn’t be able to see Bokuto until after he got back. There would be a lot of whining via text message later, but if Bokuto came over, Akaashi would never be able to get him to leave. Or Bokuto would’ve tried to go with him.

And that was most definitely, absolutely never happening no matter how much he whined or begged.

So, he sent Kuroo to deliver the message and “cheer” him up. Specifically cheer him up by banging him until Akaashi left around three. It wasn’t a very nice tactic, but it was effective. Kuroo was ecstatic about it. Hopefully, Bokuto would be too and forgive him.

If he survived spending the next two weeks at his parents. His body would persevere, but he wasn’t so sure about the rest of him.

His parents weren’t bad people. They couldn’t be bad people. They’d never hit him outside of occasionally spanking until the age of seven and it had never been out of anger. They made sure he always had what he needed. They weren’t on drugs, or involved in the mafia, or racist. They had education and made their own money through legal means and not through things like sex trafficking or money laundering. They did volunteer work every weekend and donated to charities. They pushed Akaashi, their only son, to do his best so he could have anything he wanted.

As long as he was doing his best at things they wanted him to do.

Akaashi hadn’t realized it growing up, but his parents were avid believers in planning out their child’s future and ensuring that he achieved the future they dreamed of. It had to be better than their childhood, he had to get better education, and he had to make more money and be more successful than them. Whatever they thought was best was the only choice. Ergo, his soon to be degree in business at x university and plans to take over the business after his father. What he wanted didn’t matter.

At first, he’d thought that he’d wanted what he parents had been forcing on him. Classes, sports, clothing, food choices, patterns of speech, all of it. He wanted to please. He wanted to belong with his parents, their friends, and the friends he was supposed to make at school. It’s a basic human tenant to want to belong. Since he never felt like he belonged in his own house, he had sought acceptance and belonging elsewhere.

It didn’t work out though. The kids saw through his fake smiles. Later, they were jealous of his grades and athletic accomplishment. Then, they noticed how he didn’t seem interested in the things kids their age were interested in. All the while he was slowly starting to chip away and lose sight of who he was. Who he thought he was and who he really wanted to be. He started buying into being who he was supposed, groomed even, to be and not who he was.

To fight back, he started dating anyone who asked. At least, until they realized how empty he was. He’d make out with them and grind against them behind the gym or in bathrooms as an act of defiance to the expectations that were put on him. To feel accepted and loved by someone. He didn’t like other people’s hands on him. He didn’t like the way they’d confess or stuck their tongues down his throat. He didn’t like the way his body would have a physical reaction, but his mind was retching.

College had been a sort of reprieve for him. Away from his parents, he thought he’d finally be able to be his own person.

But running away doesn’t change the things that have happened to you and you can’t run away from yourself. He started to slowly give up more and more. There were light moments, sure. Bokuto, Kuroo, Kenma, Oikawa and Iwaizumi, Suga and Daichi, Hinata, Konoha. They were all light moments. But, Akaashi was a dark moment just lingering around the corner observing these light beings in their natural environment.

Going back home, no, being forced to go back home, put all these things, these reminders, racing at the forefront of Akaashi’s brain incessantly.

_You can’t escape. You can’t escape from what they demand you to be. You can’t escape from the evil in you. You’re worthless. You’re a terrible son, boyfriend, friend, student, and person. Disgusting. It’s only going to get worse from here._

Tears run down Akaashi’s face onto the pile of laundry he’d gathered to wash for his trip. Most of it was his, but it also had Bokuto’s and Kuroo’s now too.

_I have to stop this. I can’t keep leading them on. I can’t keep living like this. I’m a liar. I need to get back on track. I only have four months left. Is that even enough time to break things off smoothly and disappear?_

Akaashi drops the laundry and races to get a piece of paper and pen. On it, he writes:

  1. Finish writing The Sky and Guilt
  2. Give everyone their possessions back
  3. Break things off with Bokuto and Kuroo
  4. Donate everything else
  5. Terminate lease
  6. Graduate
  7. Put the last of my savings in an account for my parents
  8. Go on my last trip



More tears. Akaashi crumples up the note and tosses it across the room. It falls between his bookshelf and the wall to be forgotten.

_Fuck. Fuck everything. Why can’t I just fade away? I don’t have the energy for this. It’s too much. It’s too much to do and I can’t. I can’t. I just want to die!_

He collapses on the floor in a fit of sobs.

**. . .**

“Oh! You’re finally here, Keiji!” His mother opens the door for him. She’s got a long black dress on that exposes her (fake) breasts and has a slit running up one leg. It’s overly sexy and inappropriate for Japan’s conservative view on clothing. “I thought I told you to be here by five.”

“Sorry, mother. I got distracted preparing for class after break is over.”

A complete lie. He’d fallen asleep on the floor from crying.

“That’s my perfect son!” She beams and steps aside to let him in the house. “Go set your stuff down and get changed. We need to leave in ten minutes if we want to make our reservation.”

“Yes, mother.”

Akaashi quickly shuffles to his room, already desperate for fresh air away from his mother. He shuts the bedroom door as soon as he enters. There’s new clothes set out on the bed for him.

_I’m an adult who doesn’t even get to pick his own clothes anymore._

He sighs as he throws off his shirt and walks over to the bed. He quickly changes and as he’s buttoning up shirt, he notices a purple whelp on his collarbone where Kuroo had bitten him last night.

_He probably did that on purpose._

He takes a quick selfie of him frowning and pointing to the love mark.

[ **Akaashi** ]: You did this on purpose.

[ **Akaashi** ]: I spent all weekend with Koutarou and he didn’t leave a single mark.

[ **Kuroo** ]: Guilty

[ **Kuroo** ]: But it looks so good on you.

[ **Akaashi** ]: Did Koutarou die? He hasn’t called me crying yet.

[ **Kuroo** ]: Sleeping. ;)

There’s a knock on Akaashi’s door that knocks the smile he didn’t realize he had off his face.

“Keiji! Are you ready yet? It’s time to go!”

He quickly finishes buttoning up his shirt, making sure to cover his hickie. “Coming!” He pockets his phone and quickly heads to meet his parents who are waiting, albeit impatiently, for him at the door.

“Finally! You take longer than your mother to get ready!” His dad eyes him in inspection of his attire. He doesn’t make any comment but there’s a look of disapproval. He opens the door to head out to the car anyway. Reservations are more important than how Akaashi looks.

**. . .**

If Akaashi hated being around his parents, he hated being out with them more. He’d gladly take his two overexcited idiots over his parents any day and that was even when he had great disdain for Kuroo.

The only thing worse than being out with his parents was being out with them at a restaurant for a nine-course meal.

_Nine courses? There’s no way we’ll eat all of that. It’s a waste. We’re going to waste food just so they can show off how much money they have. This meal could buy me food for two months. You could donate the money and I could make at least three meals at home for the price of one of our meals here._

“We’ll have the xx white wine with this, please.” His father points to the menu for the server.

“How many glasses would you like with that, sir?”

“Three please. We’re celebrating getting to see our son since he’s always so busy at school.”

_You mean avoiding you. Wine? Really? I don’t like to drink and you know it._

Akaashi tries to hide his face so his uncontrollable glare won’t be seen.

“Understood, sir. I’ll bring that right out for you.”

As soon as the server was out of sight, his father was grumbling. “He didn’t even comment on how hard Keiji has been working. Staff these days are so rude.”

_Stop. Stop talking about people like that. He’s not here to indulge your self-satisfaction._

Akaashi bites his tongue to keep from reprimanding his father. He knew better than to talk back to him.

“Keiji, it’s been so long since we’ve seen you.” His mother gushes. “You’ve gained some weight and it’s time to cut your hair again.”

He has to take a sip of his water to keep from glowering at her. He had gained weight. It’d taken several months for him to even start to gain weight and get back to a somewhat healthy weight. Koutarou had finally stopped complaining about him being too thin. He’d slept in his boxers last night and Kuroo hadn’t sassed him about it either. He knew he could still gain a few pounds, but the way his mother said that, it made him ashamed. As far of his hair, maybe he’d let it go a little bit, but it didn’t look terrible. It wasn’t like Oikawa hadn’t forced him to come in recently.

“Just preparing for the winter, is all. It’s supposed to be especially cold this year.”

“You should cut it. You don’t look like a proper Japanese businessman like that. It needs to be shorter than you’ve had it in a long time. Something more like mine.”

His hair was something his parents had allowed him control over after middle school as long as it was within the school’s strict guidelines. They chalked it up to youthful indiscretion. With him being in college, and with Oikawa being friends to his mother, he continued to get away doing what he wanted with his hair. Now that he was graduating soon, all of a sudden, he needed to fit the strict standards and expectations of his parents like he didn’t have preferences or the capacity to make even the simplest of choices.

“Sorry, father. I’ve let it go a bit due to studying and working.”

His parents didn’t know he’d gotten fired. They didn’t need to know. As long as he didn’t ask them for money, then there was no reason they’d ever need to know. He had enough stowed away from extra scholarships and working that he wouldn’t have to worry about money. He’d have enough to send a small amount back to his parents after his death. Not enough for funeral expenses, but some.

“Not from spending too much time working, I hope?”

“Of course not.” Another sip of water. “Studies come first.”

“And not too much time lollygagging with friends? Oikawa tells me you’ve spent the last two weekends away with friends. How could you spend the weekend before midterms out and about goofing off?” His mother’s lips are in a thin line.

_Oikawa needs to learn to shut his damn mouth. I’ll have to text Iwaizumi-san later._

“Ah. A friend of mine bought me concert tickets for my birthday and the concert was the weekend before finals. I planned ahead and made sure I had all my studying complete before we left.”

“What about him?” His father interrupts.

“He did as well. Midterms turned out well for both of us.”

“Is he another business major? Someone that will be a possible connection when you take over?”

“Er. No. He’s a first-year graduate student at y University in chemistry.”

“What about this past weekend?” His mother now.

_They’ve really got this tag team thing down._

“Another birthday gift from one of my friends. We went to Kyoto.”

“A friend took you to Kyoto for your birthday?” His father raises one eyebrow suspiciously.

His mother has her thin eyebrows raised as well. Akaashi takes another sip of water wishing the wine would hurry up and arrive. Water wasn’t going to cut it this meal. Wine probably wouldn’t either, but he doubted he could find heroin in a restaurant.

“No, father. He’d won a free room for the night and decided to treat me.”

_And by treat, I mean spend entirely too much on me and give me some of the best sex of my life. And buy food. And gifts. Dammit Koutarou, you really did spend too much._

Both his parents shake their heads.

“Keiji, honey.” His mom reaches out and places her hand on top of his. He forces himself not to cringe. He knows what’s coming. “That’s the sort of thing a guy should take his girlfriend on. You were intruding.” She wrinkles her nose. “Or is he, you know?”

_A raging homosexual just like your son? I’m not sure. Maybe I should ask him to fuck me again to verify that he likes dick. Would a threesome seal the deal? Or is it not gay unless you like it?_

The wine arrives and Akaashi directly takes a sip.

Feigning innocence he blinks at his mother and furrow his eyebrows a bit. “A what, mother?”

“You know,” she looks around and leans in to loudly whisper it, “a gay.” She pulls her hand back as soon as she says it like he’s been infected by this potential stranger possibly being gay.

_Why do you say it like that’s the worst thing in the world? He could be, I don’t know, homophobic._

“Hm. I’m not sure, mother. It’s not something I’ve ever thought to ask him.”

“Well, does he have a girlfriend?” His father snorts like it’s the most obvious thing in the world that if a guy didn’t have a girlfriend they were immediately a H-O-M-O sexual.

Akaashi’s honestly not sure if he ever remembers Bokuto talking about even liking a girl before.

_He has a boyfriend. You want to guess who it is? I’ll give you a hint. It’s someone you know._

“I don’t think so.” Another sip of wine.

“What about the other one?” His mother wrinkles her nose. “Does he have a girlfriend?”

_Actually, he’s boyfriends with the other one now and I’d like to date him as well. We’d have threesomes on the weekends before burning the Japanese flag and trying to summon Satan._

“No, I don’t believe so.”

His father slowly shakes his head. “Son, you need to be more careful. It sounds like these friends of yours might want more from you.”

_God, I hope so. Otherwise it kind of gets in the way of me wanting them to bang me until I die._

His mother nods along like he’s spouting economic facts as his father continues.

“You have to be careful around these fags. They’ll take advantage of your kindness and then next thing you know, they’re waving their dick in your face.”

_I don’t have a gag reflex, so dick in my face is actually pretty nice. Koutarou’s is very nice. I miss it already. I wonder what Kuroo’s is like. I bet he makes the sexiest face when he cums. That aside, I’d trust them with my life._

“Bokuto-san and Kuroo-san aren’t monsters. They’re my best friends and I respect them a lot.”

“Bokuto-san and Kuroo-san, eh? What do these two do? Are they students?”

The first course of their meal arrives.

_God. This meal can’t go fast enough. The next two weeks can’t go fast enough. Maybe I’ll be able to get out of it with some excuse. I forgot an assignment or something. My boyfriend is sick and I need to take care of him._

“Kuroo-san is the graduate student. He wants to do research as a professor. Bokuto-san is-“ Akaashi bites his lip. The kindest person in the world isn’t a good answer. He knows Bokuto has a job of some sort, but he doesn’t know what he does aside from dog walking. “he has two part-time jobs while he studies to get into graduate school for botany.”

“He didn’t get in the first time? How embarrassing.”

_Most people don’t, you ass._

“He’d just lost his mother and then had an accident that caused him to stop playing volleyball for the university when it was time to apply for the graduate programs.” Akaashi forcefully takes a bite of food.

“What a shame.” His mother softly exhales. “He let his emotions get the better of him and get in the way of his future. He may never get accepted into the school of his choice now.”

_Heartless._

“Volleyball in college, huh? What a waste of time.” His father shrugged and messily gulped some wine.

_Vile._

“He was, and still is, a very skilled player. If he hadn’t had his injury he would’ve gone pro. He was being scouted. It was his dream.” Akaashi looks down at his lap and gives a fond smile, remembering Bokuto’s face. “He was very distraught when it happened, especially with it being so close to his mother’s death.”

“Pfft. That’s what he tells you, at least.” His father waves away Akaashi’s words. “Men like that, they’ll tell you anything to get into your pants.”

Akaashi digs his nails into his palm that’s resting on his lap and forces a smile. “I suppose some people are vermin like that.”

**. . .**

Dinner couldn’t end fast enough. Akaashi’s parents just kept talking and talking about things that were rude or didn’t matter. He just sat there like he was back in middle school taking whatever his parents had to say and pretending that he agreed.

He didn’t have any other choice.

His parents may not financially support him, but they were his parents. If he ever needed help, he’d have to rely on them. They weren’t awful people. Maybe he was the awful one for hating them.

When they finally arrived back home, Akaashi feigned tiredness to escape to his room much to his parent’s displeasure. Back in his room, he felt like he could breathe again for the first time in hours even if it was just poisoned air. Poisoned air was better than suffocating.

During dinner he’d dug his nails so far into his hand that it’d bled and left indentions that still hadn’t gone way.

Hiding in his bed, he pulls out his phone to check his messages.

[ **Keiji Starshine was added to the group chat with Koutarou and Tetsurou** ]

[ **Koutarou** ]: I can’t believe you two tricked me

[ **Koutarou** ]: (ಥ﹏ಥ)

[ **Koutarou** ]: betrayed by the two loves of my life

[ **Tetsurou** ]: didn’t you trick us not too long ago?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I seem to remember something about a trip

[ **Tetsurou** ]: and why aren’t you just texting Starshine?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I’m in the same room

[ **Koutarou** ]: because you need to know how mad I am at you too

[ **Tetsurou** ]: you’re mad?

[ **Koutarou** ]: no

[ **Koutarou** ]: im dissapinted in you two

[ **Tetsurou** ]: why are you looking so euprhoic then

[ **Tetsurou** ]: [Image Attached]

[ **Koutarou** ]: …..

[ **Tetsurou** ]: hmmm?

[ **Koutarou** ]: shut up

[ **Tetsurou** ]: HMMMM?

[ **Koutarou** ]: don’t look at me like that

[ **Tetsurou** ]: is it possibly because

[ **Tetsurou** ]: andkfjaksdjf

[ **Koutarou** ]: kdjkafjkdjag

[ **Tetsurou** ]: iweunvpa

[ **Tetsurou** ]: akdjficnvfk

[ **Tetsurou** ]: nfdkak

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Oh no. Why is this happening to me?

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: And why is that my name?

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Did Koutarou kill you Kuroo?

[ **Koutarou** ]: Keiji!

[ **Koutarou** ]: I missed you!

[ **Koutarou** ]: and also

[ **Koutarou** ]: I’m very disappointed in you

[ **Tetsurou** ]: no he’s not

[ **Tetsurou** ]: [Image Attached]

[ **Koutarou** ]: stop betraying me like this

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: I’m sorry, Koutarou. I’ll make it up to you.

[ **Koutarou** ]: good

[ **Koutarou** ]: cause I was thinking

[ **Tetsurou** ]: !

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Don’t hurt yourself

[ **Koutarou** ]: I hate you both

[ **Koutarou** ]: but anyway

[ **Koutarou** ]: after you two finish up the semester

[ **Koutarou** ]: we should all go on a trip to celebrate

_I won’t be around after the semester finishes._

[ **Tetsurou** ]: when we finish the semester

[ **Koutarou** ]: yes

[ **Koutarou** ]: when you TWO finish the semester

[ **Tetsurou** ]: kandjgaf;jhkanskjg

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: I’m already aware Koutarou is hiding something from me, Kuroo. If he doesn’t want to tell me, then that’s his business. I haven’t even seen his apartment.

_And it’s probably for the best. I don’t want him to look around his home and remember me. I won’t go back to your home either if I can avoid it._

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: I suppose it’s many things when I think about it.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Bro

[ **Tetsurou** ]: wft?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: you’ve been dating for months

[ **Tetsurou** ]: kandgjhajkjfaklj

[ **Koutarou** ]: ANYWAY

[ **Koutarou** ]: what do you say Keiji?

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Thank you, but I already have a long trip planned for after I graduate.

[ **Koutarou** ]: WHAT

[ **Koutarou** ]: (ಥ﹏ಥ)

[ **Koutarou** ]: YOU’VE BEEN KEEPING THAT FROM ME

[ **Tetsurou** ]: bro

[ **Tetsurou** ]: pot or kettle

[ **Koutarou** ]: WHERE ARE YOU GOING???

_In the ocean probably. Hard to find bodies there._

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Destination isn’t final yet, but I plan to be gone for at least a month. Possibly longer.

_Forever._

[ **Koutarou** ]: A

[ **Koutarou** ]: MONTH??????

_I’m sorry._

[ **Koutarou** ]: kadbgjkjsknnsdjkfvnbjk

[ **Koutarou** ]: jkadnga;jkfak

[ **Koutarou** ]: kfndajjk

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Starshine I think he died

[ **Tetsurou** ]: he’s not breathing

[ **Tetsurou** ]: and now he’s crying

[ **Tetsurou** ]: can dead people cry?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I am not a biologist

[ **Koutarou** ]: KEIJI

[ **Koutarou** ]: WHY WOULD YOU KEEP THAT FROM ME???

_Because I’m no good._

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: I haven’t kept anything from you. It just never came up.

[ **Koutarou** ]: BUT

[ **Tetsurou** ]: pot or kettle

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: I never imagined Kuroo would be the sensible one here.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I’m surprised too, but I know there’s no stopping you.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Nor do I have any right to try to sway you.

[ **Koutarou** ]: BUT WE’RE ALL DATING

_Nope. I’m an asshole who’s pushing Kuroo away right now even though I like him._

[ **Koutarou** ]: YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT

[ **Koutarou** ]: CAN WE GO WITH YOU???

[ **Tetsurou** ]: about that….

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Kuroo and I are not dating.

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: This is a trip I need to take alone

_You can’t die with me. You need to live. Live and be happy._

[ **Koutarou** ]: HOW ARE YOU TWO NOT DATING??

[ **Koutarou** ]: BRO YOU STAYED OVER LAST NIGHT

[ **Koutarou** ]: YOU SHOWED ME THE MARK YOU LEFT ON KEIJI

[ **Koutarou** ]: YOU AND I HAD SEX

[ **Koutarou** ]: DID I JUST CHEAT ON KEIJI????

[ **Koutarou** ]: ????????

There’s a few minutes of silence. Painful silence, but bearable since Akaashi knows Kuroo’s handling Bokuto freaking out.

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Koutarou?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: He locked himself in the bathroom.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: he’s crying

[ **Tetsurou** ]: again

[ **Keiji Starshine]:** Kuroo and I aren’t dating. I need time to consider if dating more than one person will work for me. He knows this and accepts my decision.

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: You didn’t cheat. It was my idea for Kuroo to go cheer you up. I’m perfectly okay with you two dating and sleeping together even if I decide to not date both of you.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: *seduce you

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Semantics.

[ **Koutarou** ]: That

[ **Koutarou** ]: that was your idea??

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Yes. However, Kuroo was clearly a more than willing participant.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: always

[ **Tetsurou** ]: with either of you of course ;)

[ **Koutarou** ]: DON’T YOU HIT ON MY BOYFRIEND

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Kuroo and I are maintaining a somewhat physical relationship

[ **Koutarou** ]: what does that mean?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: want me to show you?

[ **Koutarou** ]: and you’re okay with this Keiji?

[ **Koutarou** ]: I know how you are about that kind of stuff

[ **Tetsurou** ]: ?

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Don’t worry about it, Kuroo.

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Thank you for worrying Koutarou, but I’m okay with it.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: we already had this discussion

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I will worry. spill.

[ **Koutarou** ]: Keiji’s demisexual

[ **Tetsurou** ]: oh

[ **Tetsurou** ]: OH

[ **Tetsurou** ]: shit

[ **Tetsurou** ]: have I crossed line???

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: No. Neither of you have ever crossed physical/sexual lines.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Thank god

[ **Tetsurou** ]: why didn’t I know that before

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Because it wasn’t your business.

[ **Koutarou** ]: Yup

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Damn. I thought it was bros before

[ **Koutarou** ]: watch it

[ **Tetsurou** ]: newer bros

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Uh huh.

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Back to the point. While we can’t do a trip together after the semester, I wouldn’t mind taking a weekend trip with both of you.

_Our last one._

[ **Koutarou** ]: !!!!!!!!!

[ **Koutarou** ]: FUCK YES

[ **Tetsurou** ]: have somewhere in mind?

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Not particularly.

[ **Koutarou** ]: let us plan it!!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: yeah

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Normally I wouldn’t trust either of your judgement with something like that.

[ **Koutarou** ]: D:

[ **Tetsurou** ]: rude

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: But, since I just had a very nice trip with each of you, I will leave planning in your very capable hands.

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Please remember I like food.

[ **Koutarou** ]: YAAAAASSSS!!!!

[ **Koutarou** ]: you wont regret it!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: now that that’s settled

[ **Tetsurou** ]: how is it with the parents?

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Fine. They’re upset I haven’t come to see them more.

[ **Koutarou** ]: Didn’t you just go see them a few month ago?

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Oh.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: we forgot to tell him

[ **Koutarou** ]: tell me what?

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: I didn’t go to my parents last time I told you I was. Kuroo and I went to go pick up the plants we got you for your birthday.

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: He insisted that I “deceive the shit” out of you.

[ **Koutarou** ]: :O

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I thought we were at least friends Starshine.

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Those who blackmail always have it come back to them.

[ **Koutarou** ]: blackmail?

[ **Koutarou** ]: what blackmail

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Nothing.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: nothing

[ **Koutarou** ]: secrets don’t make friends!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: POT OR KETTLE

[ **Koutarou** ]: ….. anyway…

[ **Koutarou** ]: Kuroo said you didn’t seem pumped about oign to your parents

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Traitor.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: sorry

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: No, you’re not.

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: They’re… Difficult people to be around.

[ **Koutarou** ]: how so?

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: They expect me to be perfect and to follow the life they’ve set for me.

[ **Koutarou** ]: oh

[ **Koutarou** ]: I’m sorry

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Live your own life Starshine

[ **Koutarou** ]: even then

[ **Koutarou** ]: will you ever introduce us to your parents?

_No chance in hell._

[ **Koutarou** ]: I’d like to meet them.

_No you don’t. You really don’t._

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: I don’t think that’s wise.

[ **Koutarou** ]: why not? :(

[ **Tetsurou** ]: ah

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I’m sorry Starshine

[ **Tetsurou** ]: do they know?

_Too perceptive._

[ **Koutarou** ]: KNOW WHAT

[ **Koutarou** ]: why does it feel like you two are keeping secrets fromme??

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Sorry, Koutarou. I’m not trying to keep secrets. Kuroo just figured it out now.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Yup

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: My parents are homophobic. They don’t know anything about me being demisexual or biromantic. They will never know that I have any sort of romantic or sexual relationship with either of you.

[ **Koutarou** ]: oh

[ **Koutarou** ]: I want to punch them

[ **Tetsurou** ]: it’s okay starshine

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: I rather not discuss this further.

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: I need to go to bed now. I’ll have an early morning tomorrow.

[ **Koutarou** ]: but ti’s break?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: …

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Dad will probably expect me to come to work with him tomorrow. No telling when the day will end.

[ **Koutarou** ]: oh

[ **Koutarou** ]: don’t work too hard!

[ **Koutarou** ]: and have fun!

[ **Koutarou** ]: I miss you!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: here’s a little sustenance to get through the day

[ **Tetsurou** ]: [ **Image Attached** ]

Akaashi quickly opens the picture before he realizes he’s trusted opening a picture that Kuroo had sent. It’s a picture of Bokuto kissing Kuroo on the cheek. Their hair is messed up and both are shirtless. They’re both giggling. It makes Akaashi’s heart hurt.

_They’re perfect together._

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: I miss you both too.

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Good night.

[ **Koutarou** ]: Good night Keiji!!! Sweet dreams!!!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Night Starshine. Text us if you need anything.

**. . .**

**Monday**

The next morning is no better than the night before. Akaashi wakes up just before seven to get ready for the day and eat breakfast. His parents are already up and eating.

“Just now getting up, Keiji? Half the day is gone already.”

_We didn’t get in until eleven last night. You should sleep at least eight hours a day. Furthermore, if seven am is half your day, then you have made a serious math error._

“Sorry father.” Akaashi stifles a yawn and heads over to the coffee pot. If only he could drink this early in the morning. Maybe he could buy some of that coffee booze and start sneaking it into his coffee while he was at home. “I guess I was just a little worn out for traveling so much yesterday.”

Worn out was an understatement. He’d spent entirely too much time on trains yesterday. He could use another six hours of sleep.

“It’d be great if you could make breakfast while you’re here for us like you used to.” His mother grins and happily munches on her breakfast.

_Like you used to force me to do because I wasn’t a “working adult” and just had school, volleyball, and cram school?_

“Is there anything you’d like me to make?” Akaashi pours as much coffee as possible into the tiny mug.

_Maybe I can leave the mug and drink straight from the pot?_

“Oh, you know, whatever.”

_Thank you. That’s a lot of help._

Akaashi greedily sips at his coffee as he sits down. His mother had already made a plate for him. There wasn’t much on it, and it was cold, but that she thought of him was a nice gesture.

“You’re coming to work we me today, right?” His father rustles his newspaper and gives him an intent look.

_I was really hoping you wouldn’t ask that._

“Yes. When shall we leave?”

“In thirty minutes sharp. Make sure to dress nice. We’ll stop by the bar for some drinks with clients later tonight too.”

_Another late night. Great._

“I look forward to it.”

**. . .**

[ **Koutarou** ]: Keiji!

[ **Koutarou** ]: Hows your day going?

[ **Koutarou** ]: look at this cutie I got to walk today!

[ **Koutarou** ]: [Image Attached]

[ **Tetsurou** ]: v cute

[ **Tetsurou** ]: take it easy starshine

**. . .**

**Tuesday**

Keiji can barely keep his eyes open as he finishes preparing breakfast. Some of it is probably burnt and it sure as hell isn’t his best cooking, but he can’t bring himself to care. He and his father didn’t get in until one last night after working twelve hours. He was supposed to go to work with him again today.

“Keiji, sweetie, do you know if you and your father are meeting with clients again tonight after work?”

_God, I hope not. I can’t drink that much two nights in a row._

“I’m not sure. Why do you ask?”

“I was hoping you could help me rearrange some of the furniture when you get back.”

_More work. Of course._

“I will speak to him about it. If I can’t get to it today, I’ll make sure it’s done by the weekend.”

“Oh good! I’m having some friends over this weekend. Remember Mrs. Chung? She’s bringing her daughter over who is about your age and single. I hope you’ll be kind to her.”

_Kind, yes. Interested, not a chance in hell._

“Of course, mother.”

**. . .**

[ **Koutarou** ]: [Image Attached]

[ **Koutarou** ]: have a good day!

[ **Koutarou** ]: miss you!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: you okay starshine?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: none of these messages say read

[ **Koutarou** ]: im sure he’s just busy

[ **Koutarou** ]: Keiji’s strong as hell!

**. . .**

**Wednesday**

_I think I’d stab someone for a good night of sleep._

“Keiji I want you to speak with some of our clients today. After that, I want you to audit this box of invoices. I don’t think Washio is doing a good enough job.”

**. . .**

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Bo spilt crepe all over himself today

[ **Tetsurou** ]: [Image Attached]

[ **Koutarou** ]: !

[ **Koutarou** ]: this group isnt’ to make fun of me!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: isnt’

**. . .**

**Thursday**

“Keiji will you go grocery shopping with me after work?

_I want to change my name._

**. . .**

[ **Koutarou** ]: Keiji how do you feel about the beach?

[ **Koutarou** ]: for our weekend trip

[ **Koutarou** ]: since it’s further south it might be warm enough

[ **Tetsurou** ]: plus half naked starshine running around

[ **Koutarou** ]: and watermelon!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: and fireworks!

[ **Koutarou** ]: BEACH VOLLEYBALL

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I’m sorry I ever called you a dumb owl

[ **Koutarou** ]: hey!

**. . .**

**Friday**

“We’re only going to work until four today.”

Keiji stops picking at his breakfast and looks up to his father. “Oh?”

_I get to sleep and be away from people?_

“Since it’s Friday we’re going out as a family to dinner and a play.”

_Another dinner out. I should’ve known it was too good to be true._

“I see. What play?”

“zz play. It’s long, but it has very good reviews.”

_Another explicitly long day._

Normally Akaashi would’ve been excited about a play. He loved plays. Or did at one point. He can’t really remember. All he knew right now is that his parents would make snide comments the entire time.

**. . .**

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Bo’s worried about you

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I am too

[ **Koutarou** ]: don’t tell him that!

[ **Koutarou** ]: he’s busy

[ **Koutarou** ]: it’s fine

[ **Tetsurou** ]: fine

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I’m worried about you

[ **Tetsurou** ]: just me

[ **Tetsurou** ]: not Bo

[ **Tetsurou** ]: reminds me of last time

[ **Koutarou** ]: me too

[ **Koutarou** ]: not to make you feel guilty!

[ **Koutarou** ]: just worried about you

[ **Koutarou** ]: actually

[ **Koutarou** ]: just forget about it

[ **Koutarou** ]: im sure you’re just busy working hard!

[ **Koutarou** ]: love you!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: hope you’re okay starshine

**. . .**

**Saturday**

There’s a light tap at Akaashi’s door. It’s the first day since Tuesday that he’s even attempted to sleep in late. They hadn’t gotten in until one again last night and he was exhausted from the week. He was hoping to get at least eight hours of sleep tonight.

There’s another light tap at the door followed by his mother’s voice. “Keiji?”

 _No_.

“Keiji?”

_Please go away._

Akaashi covers his head with the pillow much like he’s seen Kuroo do.

“I’m coming in.” There’s a slight creek as his mother opens the door. “I’m going to have to get that infernal squeaking fixed.”

Akaashi can feel his mother pursing her lips and shaking her head because the door squeaked. How unforgiving of a door to do that.

“Keiji, dear.” She shakes his leg a bit to wake him up.

He does a fake jolt and raises his head. “Huh?”

“Good morning, hun. Mrs. Chung’s daughter is coming over today, remember? I wanted to take you shopping to get new clothes and a haircut before they get here. Oikawa-kun and his childhood friend Iwaizumi-kun came down for the holidays and I got him to agree to do your hair.”

_Why don’t you just go shopping for a new son? That might be easier. And you paid Oikawa to come down here? Iwaizumi is a childhood friend? That’s not wrong, but they have matching rings and don’t hide their relationship. Are you that in denial because you like him so much?_

“Mmm. I already have clothes, mother.”

“Yes, but you want to make a good impression. She could potentially be your future wife. It’s time for you to start thinking about things like that.”

_No wife. No husband. No me._

**. . .**

Mrs. Chung’s daughter is clearly not interested in Akaashi and is only there because it’s what is expected of her. Akaashi isn’t into her either. He feels bad for her since she’s living the same life he is, but worse since she’s a woman and she has less freedom than he has. They spend several hours awkwardly trying to converse the day would go faster while all the other women at the party commented at how great they looked together and how they would make such beautiful babies.

The best part of the entire thing was watching her stare at his mother’s breasts that were, yet again, partially exposed and trying not to get caught.

After the party finally ended, Akaashi was in charge of cleaning up while his mother chatted with guests in the doorway about future shopping dates.

**. . .**

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: I’m okay

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: I’ve worked over 55 hours this week, but I’m okay.

[ **Koutarou** ]: 55!

[ **Koutarou** ]: abuse!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: are you getting paid for that?

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: It’s fine. no pay.

[ **Koutarou** ]: but

[ **Koutarou** ]: you should be paid for what you work

[ **Koutarou** ]: that’s law

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: it’s a family business

[ **Tetsurou** ]: are you okay Starshine?

[ **Koutarou** ]: ?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: usually you’re more, you know, proper

[ **Koutarou** ]: he has a point

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: just tired

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: going to bed

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: miss you two

[ **Tetsurou** ]: it’s 8pm

[ **Koutarou** ]: Good night Keiji! Sleep well!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Night starshine

[ **Tetsurou** ]: we need to have a talk about this when you get back

**. . .**

**Sunday**

On Sunday’s the Akaashi’s have a set schedule. They have a late breakfast around nine thirty and then at noon they go do volunteer work for four hours. It’s one of the things Akaashi loves about his family. Its honestly the best thing about them.

Today, he just wishes he could sleep more. He’s been going nonstop all week and all he wants to do is stay in bed with Koutarou and Kuroo even if they’d be slowly suffocating him.

The only thing that saves the day is that today’s volunteer work is feeding those in a period of homelessness at a facility. Akaashi’s tired, but since he knows he’s helping people that have it so much worse than him, he pushes through. Prepping the food is fun since his parents aren’t helping with that. He also helps serve and makes sure to give everyone his best smile because maybe they need it. Maybe being treated like a person who deserves respect will help them get through their day and encourage them to keep pressing forward.

After all his work is done and he gets a plate for himself, he goes to sit at a table with an empty seat. Something he’s never done before. Something his parents wouldn’t necessarily approve of. It was one thing to help those people who were in a period of homelessness, but it was a different thing to associate with them. They were “dirty, dangerous, and on drugs”.

Everyone quickly accepts him, and he gets to listen to them tell stories about their lives and dreams. He’s impressed by some of them. They’re smart and kind. Several of them do a lot of volunteer work themselves. They’ve had hard lives from abuse, untreated mental disorders, or just coming from extreme poverty.

They’re all people, though. They’re all people and they’re doing their best.

By the end of it, Akaashi takes a group photo with them to cherish forever and promises to come back sometime.

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: [Image Attached]

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: This made me think of you today Koutarou.

[ **Koutarou** ]: !!!

[ **Koutarou** ]: you were thinking of me??

[ **Koutarou** ]: also!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: that smile!

[ **Koutarou** ]: yes! That smile!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: holy shit

[ **Koutarou** ]: beautiful

[ **Tetsurou** ]: you had fun?

[ **Koutarou** ]: we should volunteer all together sometime

[ **Tetsurou** ]: pick a set day and do it every week?

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: I did have fun.

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Volunteering on a regular basis sounds like a wonderful plan.

**. . .**

**Monday**

_Is this what life is going to be like? Am I going to keep on like this from inertia, massive amounts of caffeine, and guilt? I can’t live like this. I won’t live like this._

It’s Christmas, but it doesn’t feel like a holiday. Akaashi doesn’t feel merry or bright at all on the inside. He and his father still do a half day at work. Thankfully, his father didn’t demand other employees to come in. Afterward, Akaashi had to help his mother make a nice dinner. Honestly, the day would’ve been better if he could’ve just worked all day.

**. . .**

[ **Koutarou** ]: MERRY CHIRSTMAS KEIJI!!!!

[ **Koutarou** ]: WISH YOU WERE HERE!!

[ **Koutarou** ]: [Image Attached]

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Merry Christmas Starshine

[ **Tetsurou** ]: A cat in a hat for you

[ **Tetsurou** ]: [Image Attached]

[ **Koutarou** ]: when you get back we’ve got presents for you!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: if he doesn’t come there to deliver them before then

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I already had to stop him once

[ **Koutarou** ]: hey!

[ **Koutarou** ]: oh!

[ **Koutarou** ]: I watered your plant today!

[ **Koutarou** ]: it bloomed!

[ **Koutarou** ]: look!

[ **Koutarou** ]: [Image Attached]

**. . .**

**Tuesday**

_How did I ever live with my parents before?_

**. . .**

[ **Tetsurou** ]: when are you coming back?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: me and bo were thinking about making you dinner

[ **Tetsurou** ]: well. Me making dinner. Bo being there

[ **Tetsurou** ]: we can open the sake you two brought back and you can rant to us about your parents

[ **Tetsurou** ]: and give you your Christmas presents before bo explodes

**. . .**

**Wednesday**

_I just want to sleep forever_

**. . .**

**Thursday**

_Just have to wait until March_

**. . .**

**Friday**

_I can’t wait that long._

**. . .**

Akaashi left early Saturday morning without telling anyone. He was supposed to stay until Sunday evening, but if he stayed in that house any longer he was going to rip everything to shreds.

He doesn’t tell Bokuto or Kuroo that he’s come home. His apartments been cleaned and there’s a fresh bouquet of flowers and a few Christmas presents sitting on his bookcase beside his plant. Akaashi can’t even muster the energy to smile. He goes straight to sleep and doesn’t wake up until late that evening when Bokuto and Kuroo come to water his plant for him.

_I’m going to date both of them. I’m going to date them, go on one final trip with them, and then pull away. They’ll still have each other and never even realize I’m gone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [In honor of hitting 1000 cumulative kudos I’m open to do writer asks on Tumblr if anyone’s interested!](https://oopsthisisqueertoo.tumblr.com/post/177442060184/fanfiction-writer-asks)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> The sheep with wolves things is totally stolen from Cromartie High School. At least, I think…
> 
> Woo!!! It’s only been a full eternity, but we’re finally hallway there!! *cries in a corner whispering to self “I’m going to die before I finish this”*
> 
>  
> 
> ***For the next SEVERAL chapters I will not be replying to comments due to the direction the story is about to head in. And I can’t keep my mouth shut. I WILL be reading any comments, and you will know, as they don’t post until I approve them. When I have passed the point where I can respond, I will give thanks and reply to all your comments that haven’t been answered at that point. Please don’t assume I’m ignoring you or that I don’t appreciate you taking the time to gush or cry-scream at me. <3***  
> (I’ll repost this at the end of every chapter until we’ve passed the point that I want to get past.)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *verifies passport is valid*
> 
> Hey guys! Just wanted to reassure you that I see your comments and am still abstaining from replying so I don't spoil this (I was literally in the middle of replying to a comment before I realized it was on Ch 17 and had to delete it). Some of you are worried how this is going to turn out, which I entirely understand. While I'm not going to confirm or deny what will happen, I'm just going to say that you can have some faith in me. That being said, the next several chapters (through 26 tentatively) will be the darkest of the entire work. You are going to suffer. I'll be adding trigger warnings at the beginning of each chapter (even though I really don't want to because spoilers. aaargh. but i understand that some of us need those. i don't want anyone to have a panic attack or anything.). I'll also be adding more tags as we progress and remind you to check them as well. I'm sorry if this gets to be too much for you. If you need to quit reading, I understand. If you'd like a less graphic (?) reading or need to know if something specific happens to avoid triggering you can let me know and I will be happy to provide you with an edited chapter. Or a summary.
> 
> Also: Last chapter I originally used the term "homeless" instead of the more proper phrase of "in a period/state/transition of homelessness". I only used it twice, but it's been updated to a more positive outlook. Sorry if that offended anyone.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: sucidal ideation, pill popping, intended overdose, suicide planning, sex (not marked per how I usually do), 1 (one) f slur, Marking things off The List ™, (unsuccessful) SUICIDE ATTEMPT with pills (Very last section if you don’t want to read)

When Akaashi hears the noise, he groggily lifts himself up to see Bokuto and Kuroo merrily trotting in. He meets their eyes before collapsing back on the bed, not caring that they found him.

“Keiji!”

“Starshine?”

_At least my group chat name makes sense now._

Akaashi lets out a groan and snuggles himself under the covers more. There’s some shuffling between the two intruders and silent a silent conversation that he ignores.

“Uh. Keiji.” Akaashi can hear Bokuto take a few tentative steps forward. “I thought you weren’t coming home until tomorrow. Did something happen? Are you sick?”

_Something like that._

“I’m fine.” Akaashi mumbles into the covers.

He can feel the raised eyebrows and wide-eyed looks focusing on him. He unconsciously lifts the covers over his face more.

“Starshine, is there a reason why you didn’t tell us you were coming back? Did you not want to see us?”

_I didn’t care or have enough energy to bother with you. I was hoping you two would be having so much fun with each other that you would forget about me. I didn’t consider Koutarou’s love for plants interfering with that._

He lets out a noncommittal hum. “I would never think that.”

There’s soft footsteps approaching him followed by a dip in the bed. He peeks an eye open to see Bokuto biting his lip with furrowed eyebrows. He brushes some of Akaashi’s hair away from his eyes.

“You sure you’re okay?”

_Define okay. Because I want to die. I want to pour acid all over myself to erase my tainted existence. I don’t want to continue wasting your precious time._

“’m fine.” He reaches out and grabs Bokuto’s wrist. “Just tired. Lay down with me?”

“S-sure, babe.” Bokuto strips his coat and all other unnecessary clothing before sliding under the covers with Akaashi and cuddling up against him.

“Um.” Kuroo awkwardly shuffles near the room’s entrance. “I’m just gonna go.” He trails off.

“You too.” Akaashi pats the empty space on the bed behind him, eyes closed again ready to drift off back into sleep.

“You sure?” There’s a few tentative foot steps toward them.

“I won’t repeat myself.” Akaashi sleepily mutters snuggling himself into Bokuto’s pecks.

There’s shuffling and the sound of clothes falling to the ground followed by a dip in the bed behind Akaashi and arms wrapping around his torso.

_So warm with both of them._

He tries to focus on going back to sleep but having two mostly naked men in his bed who are still having silent conversations about him makes it hard to drift off into the eternal slumber that he desires.

“I can hear both of you talking about me.”

Bokuto give a little jump. “We weren’t talking.”

“You two can have entire conversations just by twitches of your face.” He huffs and shifts a little. “’t’s creepy as hell.”

“We’re just worried about you Starshine.”

“At least someone’s truthful.” He lets out a deep sigh. “I just came back early because I hated being with my parents. They didn’t have anything planned for the weekend, so it didn’t matter.”

_At least, nothing to important to me. They probably just free labor from and attempt to set me up with another girl. Teaching me the importance of doing things their way and not loving men. More self-righteous preaching._

“Are you sure nothing’s wrong?” Bokuto lifts Akaashi’s chin up from his pecks and studies his face looking for the lie like he usually does.

Feeling grateful Kuroo can’t see his face as well, Akaashi gives a small fake smile. “Of course. My parents are just a lot.”

Kuroo leans in and kisses Akaashi on the spine. “Wanna tell us about it, Starshine?”

Akaashi shivers a little from the mixing sensations of Bokuto’s gaze and Kuroo’s lips now trailing across his back. He shakes his head in Bokuto’s hands. “No. It’s fine.”

He watches as Bokuto’s eyes flicker over to Kuroo’s and they have another silent conversation.

_Two of them are dangerous. I won’t be able to have both of them long. They’ll catch me. Best to distract them._

“I missed you two.”

Akaashi leans in and kisses Bokuto while pressing his ass against Kuroo. Bokuto moves his hand from Akaashi’s face into his hair and pulls him in closer to kiss him. Akaashi opens his mouth, eager to taste Bokuto again. Kuroo’s arm tightens around Akaashi’s waist and he wetly kisses down Akaashi’s neck.

_They feel so nice._

He feels both of them starting to get hard causing him to let out a little moan and bite Bokuto’s lip. He opens his eyes to see Bokuto’s topaz eyes hooded and taking in every inch of his face. His eyes briefly flick back to Kuroo. Akaashi turns in the bed so he can face Kuroo.

“Hey, Starshine.” Kuroo gives a weak smile probably still unsure where, or even if, he fits into any of this with Akaashi.

Akaashi doesn’t really have an answer for him yet. He knows what he wants. He wants to be with both of them. He has no problem with polyamory. He loves them both. He can admit that to himself. He just can’t. He can’t do that to them. He can’t even understand why they want to spend time around him. How he even has two such amazing, lively, sweet, loving, interesting, people who want to share even a fraction of their lives with him. He’s just Akaashi. Just him. And he’s just a waste of air.

Akaashi just shakes his head to clear the intrusive thoughts for just a while longer. He has such a hard time believe Kuroo was such an awkward duckling but finds it irresistible nonetheless. He wraps his arms around Kuroo’s neck and pulls him in for a kiss. Kuroo immediately lets out a small moan and presses his crotch against Akaashi. Akaashi shivers, never having felt Kuroo against him before.

A part of him wishes they were naked, but another part of him knows that’s a bad idea. He’d already gotten Bokuto involved sexually. While he’d kissed Kuroo already, and hadn’t ruled out a sexual relationship, he didn’t think it was a great idea. Or dating him. Dating and sex meant it would be hard to part from him. Harder for Akaashi. Harder for Kuroo. Harder for Bokuto.

But damn if his body disagreed with his head. It was a strange feeling for him, really. Being attracted to one person sexually was an entirely new experience, but now being attracted to two people? And to such amazing people? If he had a choice of how he dies, it would probably be in bed with both of them.

But that would be scarring for them. They never need to experience that. He’ll just fade away instead.

Kuroo pulls apart from Akaashi. “Sorry, Starshine. I didn’t mean to get a little carried away there.”

Akaashi leans back in to kiss him, but Kuroo only lets him get one small kiss in before pulling away again. He furrows his eyebrows and pouts at Kuroo, hurt from being rejected.

“You’re avoiding our questions.”

_Dammit. Damn cat. I used to think you being a pervert was your worst trait, but you’ve proved me wrong._

Akaashi sighs and rolls over to his back. He glances over at Bokuto, who’s been strangely silent since he started to kiss Kuroo. He’s biting his lip and his face is showing a mixture of emotions. Hurt. Worried. Aroused.

“My parents are good people.” Akaashi starts, and he instantly feels both of them stiffen. “But, they’ve planned a life for me that I don’t want.”

“You’re only a business major because of them, right?” Bokuto tilts his head slightly.

Akaashi remembers their first unofficial date where Bokuto dragged him off to see his garden after mentioning his parents. It was strange at the time, but now he knows for certain it was Bokuto trying to tell him he can live his own life. Bokuto was just bold and fearless like that. If he felt something, he spoke it. He’d tell the world even if it made him look like a fool. He’d do it proudly. Akaashi didn’t have strength like that.

“I didn’t have anything else I wanted to do. They want, no expect, me to take over the family business, so I agreed to it. It’s more than just that, though.” He closes his eyes, so he won’t have to face either of them. “I have to be perfect. In school, business, manners. As a son and as a Japanese citizen. They-“ Akaashi gives a dry laugh. “They tried to set me up with someone while I was there. A woman with money and connections. Thankfully, she turned out to be gay. They want me to take over the business, get married, and have children though. They’ll keep doing it too. Setting me up.” He scoffs and covers his eyes with a hand.

_Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Crying creates questions. You’re already sharing too much as is._

“They’ve never thought even for a second that their little perfect son doesn’t want that. That their perfect son might be a demisexual with a preference for men.”

The tears start to drip from the corners of his eyes and he can’t hold back sniffing.

“No. Their perfect son could never do such a thing. That wouldn’t be the correct way. Fuck. They even deny Oikawa and Iwaizumi are together. My mother fucking paid Oikawa to come down for the holidays just so I’d be forced to have my hair looking the way she wanted for this damn arranged meeting. She called Iwaizumi Oikawa’s fucking childhood friend. They’re fucking engaged! She likes him, so she just pretends she doesn’t even see it even though Oikawa doesn’t even know what subtly is.”

He lets out a few choked sobs and two sets of arms wrap around him tightly.

“They fucking think the w-world revolves around them. They’re nice to people’s faces, but then they talk trash about them behind their backs.” He moves his arm, so it covers his eyes now. “They asked where I’d been the last two weekends, so I told them a bit. Nothing too much because they’d ask more, but I told them a little bit about you two. They said Kuroo is wasting his time on science and isn’t worth my time since he’s not a possible business connection. That he needs to grow up. They thought Koutarou was going to seduce me and then sexually assault me c-cause he took me to a hot spring instead of taking a girl.”

“To be fair,” Bokuto gives a small chuckle and bites his lip, “my plan was to seduce you and do sexual things with you. Consensual things, of course.”

Akaashi lets out a choked laugh. “They made you out to be a predator. They thought nothing of you two when you both mean so much to me.”

“Starshine.” Kuroo calls softly. “Starshine, will you look at me?”

Arm still covering his face, Akaashi shakes his head.

“Fine.” Kuroo shifts and Akaashi can feel a body climb on top of his and straddle him. Kuroo peppers kisses on Akaashi’s lips and trails down his neck. “Your parent’s words don’t shape who you are. You’re amazing, and kind, and smart. Not to mention sexy.”

Akaashi uses his free hand to smack Kuroo. Bokuto takes that hand and intertwines their fingers. He holds it against his mouth and kisses it.

“I’m not wrong, no matter how many times you hit me. Just trying to lighten the mood.” Kuroo places a kiss on Akaashi’s jaw. “Your parent’s words don’t define who Bo and I are. They could say the worst things about us, but you know what? That says things about them, not us.” His voice is soft like someone delivering news of the death of a loved one.

Akaashi bites his lip and tries to take in some air, making his chest heave a few times.

“And you know what else? You’re your own person. You don’t have to live to your parent’s expectations. You’re not even dependent on them. If you ever needed help, you have us. You have Kenma and Oikawa and Iwaizumi. Hell, Suga and Daichi would adopt you in heartbeat. You have Konoha and Komi. Tsukki would even accept you. We’re here for you no matter what. If your parents are disappointed in you for your life choices, then that’s their problem, not yours. You can only live your own life. You can’t live for them.”

“Kuroo’s right, Keiji.” Bokuto leans in and kisses Akaashi where he can reach. It sounds like he kisses Kuroo too. “I’m not saying your parents are bad people, but what they want is bad for you. I’ve watched you get more and more stressed the closer graduation gets. The closer you get to losing your freedom. I’m scared for you. I feel like you’re going to snap.”

_I’ve already snapped. I’m just biding my time. Wish I wasn’t so pathetic so you two wouldn’t waste time worrying about scum like me._

“So wise, bro.”

Akaashi can feel Kuroo beaming at Bokuto and it makes him heave a few more times.

_They’re so perfect for each other. Why am I even here?_

Kuroo moves from straddling him to leaning over him on one side and Bokuto moves so he can do the same. They each have a leg draped over one of Akaashi’s legs. He feels trapped. They’ve both caught on to his skittish ways.

“Starshine, I’m not saying you have to do this, it’s just a suggestion, but you need to talk to your parents. They’re hurting you. They may not even realize it. Talk to them. See if they’re willing to change.”

“If that doesn’t work, cut them out of your life. They don’t deserve you.”

Akaashi furrows his eyebrows under his arms and frowns. The advice seems a bit harsh coming from the extremely loving and accepting Bokuto that he knows.

“I know it sounds mean, but sometimes the ones we love aren’t good for us. They hurt us the most. Like Kuroo said, if they’re willing to make changes then it might work out. But, if you tell someone that they’re hurting you and they keep hurting you, then they don’t care about you. They’re abusing you at that point.”

“Too harsh, Bo.” Kuroo chides and flicks Bokuto.

“What?” Bokuto whines. “I don’t like people hurting my Keiji. I’d say the same thing about you if you treat him bad.”

“Damn, bro.”

Bokuto protectively squeezes Akaashi tighter. “I’m serious.”

“Don’t worry.” Kuroo tightens his hold on Akaashi as well. “I never want to harm him.”

_How am I even with, well at least in the same bed, these two shining beacons of purity and light? Are they even real?_

Akaashi rubs his eyes with his arm and finally pulls it down. He’s greeted with concerned, but relieved faces. “Do you think I should get my nipples pierced too? I’m the only one without a piercing here.”

There’s confused looks followed by laughter.

“What the hell, Starshine?”

“Keiji, what about doing your ears or the other one you’d mentioned before?”

“Other one?” Kuroo cocks his head.

Akaashi lets out a sigh. “I’ve always been curious about getting a prince albert.”

“Damn. I never knew you’d be into anything like that.” Kuroo whispers in awe.

“You didn’t need to know. Besides, I’m not entirely set on it.”

“We could go get your ears done tomorrow, though.” Bokuto nibbles on Akaashi’s ear. “It hurts a lot less and you can take them out any time if you don’t like them.”

_My parents would hate that._

Akaashi frowns.

“Did you just think about your parents?”

Akaashi narrows his eyes and looks toward Kuroo. “Get out of my head.”

“You’re too easy to read. Almost as bad as that open book over there.”

_You’re wrong there._

“What open book?” Bokuto chirps and does a half turn searching for an actual open book.

Both Akaashi and Kuroo give a snicker at Bokuto.

“Anyway,” Kuroo continues, “do you want either of those done?”

“I would like them. I think.”

“Then you should-“ Bokuto starts to cheer, but Kuroo clasps a hand on his mouth.

“And not because you think you need them to fit in?”

“No. I’ve been curious for a while.”

“What’s holding you back?”

Akaashi frowns. His parents. Society. “Expectation?”

“Fuck expectation.”

Bokuto pries Kuroo’s hand from his mouth. “If you want to do it, you should.”

_Just like both of them. Bold. Fearless. Willing to be vulnerable._

“I think I want to. Ears at least.”

“If you decide to consider a dick piercing, may I suggest a frenum instead of a prince albert? Less complications. Seems a little less painful too.” Kuroo shudders.

“What’s that?”

Kuroo’s face lights up in a predatory smirk. “Would you like me to show you where that is?” he purrs.

Akaashi groans and pushes Kuroo’s face away before turning his back to Kuroo and snuggling up against Bokuto. “Remind me why we like him.”

Kuroo does a fake gasp and wraps his arms around Akaashi’s torso while rubbing his face against Akaashi’s back.

Bokuto runs a hand through Akaashi’s hair and hums. “He’s smart and sexy. That’s about all he has going for him though.”

“Bro!”

“He’s also super cuddly after sex. Like a leech. It’s great.”

Akaashi snickers and turns so he can look at Kuroo over his shoulder who’s pouting. He whines and makes his lip quiver. Akaashi reaches over and ruffles Kuroo’s hair.

“Did you two have any plans for the night?”

Bokuto and Kuroo look at each other with guilty faces.

_That’s just what I want. Go be together._

“Ah. Don’t let me get between your, uh, bonding time.”

Both of them squeeze Akaashi tighter.

“You could always join us in those festivities.” Kuroo purrs in Akaashi’s ear and kisses down his neck.

Bokuto runs his hands across Akaashi’s chest and kisses him. He presses himself against Akaashi and ruts against him.

_They’re dangerous._

Kuroo continues kissing Akaashi where ever he can reach. He presses himself against Akaashi’s ass and runs a hand down his side and to his hip. Akaashi can feel both of them hardening against him as Bokuto’s hands run over his nipples then down to the waistband of his boxers and back up, teasing him. Akaashi lets out a small groan and pushes his hips forward when Bokuto’s hand nears his crotch again. Bokuto takes that as permission enough, reaches in, and strokes him softly.

_Kuroo’s here too. I’m not sure how to even go about this. Or if I even want him here. My body does, but is that right?_

“W-wait.”

Hands and mouths come off him immediately. He takes a few breaths to clear his mind.

“I don’t-. I’m not-.” He bites his lip, unsure of what to say or how to say it. He looks over toward Kuroo who looks nervous even though he hadn’t done anything that Akaashi hadn’t allowed before. “I’m not sure about this. I like-. I like both of you touching me.” He bites his lip again and wills his heartrate to slow down. “I don’t know if it’s fair to you to sleep with you.”

Kuroo shakes his head. “I’m not asking you to.”

“Keiji, you never have to do anything you don’t want.”

“I just don’t know what’s right.”

_Do I get Kuroo involved? I did say I would date both of them to make it easier to disappear. They’d have each other. Who I sleep with doesn’t really matter since I’ll be dead soon. I want him. I want both of them. Something doesn’t feel right about it though. Maybe because I’ll end up hurting him too. I’m already hurting both of them though._

Akaashi looks back and forth between the two of them.

_Maybe I should. Instead of causing them more pain now, maybe I should have some fun with them. I’m going to have to start distancing myself from them soon anyway. I deserve to do the things I want while I still can, right? Right?_

“What do you mean by that?” Kuroo tilts his head and his face changes to something more serious.

_Shit. That damn fucking cat._

Akaashi hums for a moment trying to think of a viable excuse. “I just don’t want to be unfair to either of you. I still don’t know if I can do a polyamorous relationship. I don’t want to sleep with both of you and get your hopes up.”

_Excuses._

“It’s entirely your decision. Even if you never want to date me or sleep with me, I’ll still be right here.”

_That’s what I’m afraid of._

“Kuroo’s right. We’ll all still be friends no matter what happens or doesn’t happen. Neither of us would be mad for you setting boundaries that make you feel more comfortable. If anything, we’d be more upset that you didn’t tell us, especially with something involving your body. That’s not cool.”

_How are you so kind? Is it in your genes?_

Akaashi bites his lip, still having not convinced himself this is okay. “Both of you are sure?”

Both nod vigorously.

“We could take a nap and get food instead.” Bokuto supplies with a grin. “Or you could kick us out. But I _really_ don’t want to leave you since you had a rough time at your parent’s and I haven’t seen you in two weeks!” He snuggles up against Akaashi more and gives him those sad puppy dog eyes.

Akaashi gives a small laugh and gives Bokuto a peck on the lips. Bokuto threads his hands through Akaashi’s hair and rests his hand on the back of his head, pulling him forward and kissing him passionately. Akaashi kisses him back moaning a bit from still being hard despite his internal struggles. Life was hard when you went from fucking your boyfriend in a hot tub to not being brave enough to touch himself in his parent’s house for two weeks for fear they might hear him and feel the need to have a discussion about how “sexual pleasure should be reserved for fornicating in order to produce offspring”.

Akaashi bites Bokuto’s lip softly before pulling away. “Okay. I want to.” He looks over to Kuroo. “I can’t say yes to dating both of you yet, but I’m open to sleeping with both of you. Are you okay with that?”

“Only if you are.”

He turns back to Bokuto and bites his lip. “Do you mind if-“

“I encourage it.” Bokuto smiles like a maniac.

“Thank you, Koutarou.”

Akaashi kisses Bokuto before turning so he can face Kuroo and takes the sight of him in. He hadn’t really gotten to look at Kuroo much before, at least, not like this. At the hotel, it’d been dark and all they did was kiss. His anxiety had kept him from enjoying that to the fullest anyway. They’d slept in the same bed before Akaashi had left for his parent’s house, but they’d only slept then. Akaashi had been so tired he didn’t even get to appreciate it. He’d never gotten to look at Kuroo in a sexual manner.

Kuroo was, well, gorgeous. It’s probably where his confidence came from. There was a flush on his face that went down to his chest that made Akaashi want to bite and lick every inch of him that was flushed. Kuroo was biting his lip in nervousness as he watched Akaashi. Akaashi found the lip biting combined with his gauges to be an absolutely adorable combination. Like Bokuto had mentioned previously, and Akaashi had felt but not seen, Kuroo did have both nipples pierced. He was on the leaner side, but not scrawny. Though, he may just seem lean since Bokuto is so muscular.

It made Akaashi even more aware of how he didn’t belong with the two of them. He was scrawny. People told him he was beautiful, but he could never see it. He feared Kuroo would ask about his scar. He could lie, but he wasn’t sure if Bokuto would expose him or not.

Even so, Akaashi leans in and kisses Kuroo. They start off slow, just kissing and adjusting to each other. When Akaashi deepens the kiss, Kuroo pulls Akaashi against him. His skin is hot to the touch, but Akaashi just wants to get closer to him. While he’s reacquainting himself with Kuroo’s mouth, he feels something he hadn’t noticed before under Kuroo’s tongue. He pulls back with a puzzled look on his face.

“Did you get a new piercing?”

“Ah. Guilty.” Kuroo opens his mouth and sticks his tongue up. “A web piercing. Wanted one for a while. Finally got it a few days after you left.”

“Oh. Does kissing hurt it?”

“Nah. Can’t give any blowjobs anytime soon, though. That’ll be up to Bo.” He lifts his chin toward Bokuto who’d been observing.

He nods vigorously. “I’ll give all the blowjobs. All of them.”

Akaashi snorts and shakes his head. “Any other surprise piercings?”

Kuroo leans in and starts giving Akaashi broken kisses. “It’s not a surprise if I tell you.”

He starts kissing down Akaashi’s neck the same time Bokuto decides observation isn’t something he’s capable of, which is no surprise, and starts kissing Akaashi’s back while softly running his nails down his side. Akaashi gives a low whine and gives a small thrust toward Kuroo’s hips. Kuroo continues to kiss down Akaashi the best he can while on his side until he reaches his hips. He gives a soft nip before coming back up to kiss Akaashi.

“Sorry I can’t suck you right now. I’d love to.”

The straightforwardness of it surprises Akaashi and he can only give a small smile and shake his head in response. He runs his hands over Kuroo’s chest and runs his fingers over Kuroo’s nipples, playing with his piercings. He grinds his hips against Kuroo, feeling their erect members brush against each other. Akaashi can feel precum dripping on himself, eager and ready to go. He needs this. He’s starting to lose his mind. He wants to be fucked. He wants release.

Kuroo gives a small moan from his nipples being played with. He leans in and nips Akaashi’s ear. “Can I touch you?” He purrs in a voice that sends a shiver up Akaashi’s spine and more blood to his dick.

“P-please.” Akaashi breathily replies and grinds against Kuroo more.

Kuroo grins against Akaashi’s skin. He continues kissing Akaashi’s neck as his hand drifts down to Akaashi’s boxers. He feels Bokuto pulling at his underwear from behind him and lifts himself to help him tug them off.

Then he’s stark naked between the two most beautiful and amazing men he’s ever gotten lucky enough to meet. And it’s pure ecstasy.

Kuroo’s hand wraps around Akaashi’s cock as he kisses him passionately, moaning a bit. Bokuto’s underwear has disappeared and his cock is in-between Akaashi’s legs as he slowly thrusts back and forth.

Akaashi reaches down into Kuroo’s underwear to grasp his cock and stroke him. Something about touching Kuroo was exhilarating. He’d spent months pretending he didn’t notice how attractive he was. He’d spent the last several weeks trying not to give into temptation. It felt good to give in.

Kuroo gives a groan at Akaashi’s touch and nips him a little too hard accidently. He kisses the spot he’d bit, but Akaashi just stokes him faster and bucks his hips in Kuroo’s hands. He feels his face starting to heat up and his self-control eroding away.

“F-fuck me.” Akaashi puts one hand on Kuroo’s cheek and looks into his golden caramel eyes.

Kuroo quirks an eyebrow before looking over Akaashi at Bokuto. Bokuto hops off the bed and digs in his pants. He pulls out a few condoms. Both Kuroo and Akaashi give him flat confused looks.

“What?” He shrugs as he throws one at Kuroo. “I have two boyfriends.”

Kuroo holds up the condom with a puzzled face. “What do I need this for?”

“You’re not fucking my Keiji raw.” Bokuto says like that’s the most obvious thing in the world that that’s what Kuroo was asking for. He grabs Akaashi’s chair and sits down in it.

“I didn’t know I was fucking him at all?” Kuroo looks back to Akaashi, who is blushing now. “Starshine?”

Akaashi takes a deep breath before pulling Kuroo on top of him and in-between his legs. He runs his hands through Kuroo’s hair and kisses him until Kuroo lets out a small moan.

“I’m pretty sure I looked you in the face and asked you to fuck me.”

Kuroo’s eyes widen and he looks between Akaashi and Bokuto.

Bokuto waves a hand at them and leans back in the chair, slowly stroking himself. “You heard him. If you don’t want to, I will gladly volunteer. Otherwise, I’m okay over here. I’ve _always_ wanted to see this.”

“Voyeur.” Akaashi mutters before snaking one hand back down to stroke Kuroo. “Well?”

“You sure?”

Akaashi clicks his tongue in irritation.

“Alright, alright.” Kuroo kisses Akaashi’s neck in apology. “Where’s the lube?”

A bottle gets chunked on the bed and rolls toward them.

“Bo, you’re like some sort of voyeur sex fairy or something.” Kuroo sits up to pick the bottle up and pours some lube on his fingers.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment.”

“The highest of compliments. Now shut up. You’re distracting me, and I want to appreciate every second of this properly and make Keiji feel better than he ever has before.”

Akaashi covers his mouth with his hand and giggles. He never knew sex could be, well, fun. Feel nice, yes. It’d always been an other-worldly experience with Bokuto. But joke around? It wasn’t something he and Bokuto had ever really done. Not in bed, at least. And it definitely wasn’t something he’d done in his previous sexual encounters.

His giggle is cut short because he feels the side of Kuroo’s hand slowly sliding up his thigh as he nears Akaashi’s entrance. Akaashi unabashedly spreads his legs a little to give easier access, something else he wouldn’t have been able to do before also. Kuroo rubs his entrance and engages him in a kiss before slipping one finger in.

Akaashi moans lightly into Kuroo’s mouth and bucks his hips up, wanting friction on his cock.

Kuroo slides his finger in and out easily enough so he quickly adds another finger. Akaashi moans and pants as Kuroo pulls back and watches his face.

“Fuck, Starshine. I’m going to come from just hearing you.”

“Then hurry up and fuck me now.” Akaashi pants and works his hips on Kuroo’s hand.

Kuroo mutters, “Holy fuck” before pulling his fingers from Akaashi. Akaashi whines from not being touched at all but looks down at Kuroo to watch him as he puts on the condom, eager to look at him.

_He’s so sexy._

Kuroo’s panting slightly, and his skin is still flushed down to his chest. His dick is standing proud and tall. If Akaashi didn’t want Kuroo to fuck him so badly right now, he’d suck him dry. He wanted to hear the moans Kuroo would make while he let him fuck his face. He wanted to see Kuroo’s face when he realizes Akaashi doesn’t have a gag reflex. Akaashi bites his lip as he thinks about it, tempted to do it anyway.

Kuroo’s not looking at him as he tears open the package and slips the condom on his cock, letting Akaashi continue to enjoy the sight before him. He pours some lube on his hand and strokes himself a few times, lathering it on before he looks back up to Akaashi still biting his lip. He gives a small laugh and smile before scooting in closer and lining himself up to Akaashi’s hole. He leans forward so that each hand is on the other side of Akaashi’s head and so he can see Akaashi’s face.

Akaashi leans up to kiss Kuroo, causing him to put a little more pressure on Akaashi’s hole.

“K-kuroo, please.” Akaashi whines as he looks into Kuroo’s eyes.

Kuroo quickly slides himself in a little bit before slowly pushing in the rest of the way while he watches Akaashi snap his eyes shut and moan.

Akaashi pants a few times before he snaps his eyes back open and grabs Kuroo to kiss him again. They continue to kiss as Kuroo starts to thrust in him. In-between kisses they break apart just mesmerized by each other’s existence and the pleasure they were experiencing together. By how right it felt.

Akaashi wraps his arms around Kuroo’s neck and pulls himself closer to Kuroo, clinging on to him and running his mouth on every inch of skin he can reach devouring that blush. Kuroo thrusts into him faster, brushing against Akaashi’s prostate, causing him to cry out against Kuroo’s skin.

“Tetsurou,” Akaashi pants and wraps his legs around Kuroo, already feeling his orgasm approaching.

Kuroo starts thrusting harder at the sound of his name. Akaashi can barely think, but he does gain one thing from it: Kuroo has a name kink. Bokuto giving a small snicker from the chair only confirms it more.

“Tetsurou. Tetsurou.” Akaashi pants and tightens his legs around Kuroo. He sucks on Kuroo’s neck determined to leave marks claiming him. “I’m going to come.”

Kuroo shifts to one hand so he can stroke Akaashi as well. Akaashi arches his back and moans at being touched again after so much stimulation and needing it for so long. He glances over to see Bokuto rapidly stroking himself looking utterly wrecked. He looks back to Kuroo who’s watching him with such desire and care. The sight of both of them pushes him over the edge and he comes after only a few seconds of being stroked. Kuroo softly thrusts in him through his orgasm, watching him with fascination like he’s trying to burn the image into his mind.

When Akaashi starts to come down from his orgasm, he feels Kuroo still hard inside him. Akaashi pulls him down for a breathy kiss and grinds his hips on Kuroo.

“I want you to come for me.”

Kuroo does a full body shiver and starts pounding into Akaashi. Akaashi uses one hand to run his nails down Kuroo’s back, which seems to be a sensitive spot for him, and plays with a nipple with the other.

“Tetsurou, you feel so good.” Akaashi whines, honestly starting to crave a second orgasm as he watches and feels Kuroo inside him.

Kuroo can only let out a breathy “Keiji” in response before moaning out in pleasure. He slowly thrusts in Akaashi through his orgasm, kissing and watching Akaashi the entire time. When he’s starting to come back down, he pulls out, throws the condom on the floor, and falls to Akaashi’s side. He wraps both arms around Akaashi and rests his forehead on Akaashi’s.

“That was,” he pants, “amazing. You’re so sexy. I hope, at some point, we get to do that again.”

Akaashi leans in and kisses him. “I’d love that.”

Kuroo’s face lights up in glee. He buries his face in Akaashi’s neck and pulls him in tighter. Akaashi gives a light laugh and lightly runs his nails up and down Kuroo’s back while admiring him.

_This must be the post-sex snuggle session Koutarou mentioned. So adorable._

“Keiji,” Bokuto whines from his chair. Akaashi looks over his shoulder to see Bokuto hard as a rock and breathing heavily. He has that look in his eye he gets when he’s too horny. The same look Akaashi had just minutes ago. “I want to fuck you too.”

Kuroo holds Akaashi a little tighter.

Akaashi gives a small smile. “I’m afraid I’m a little immobilized right now, but please do.”

Bokuto hops up from the chair and slips a condom on with lightning speed. He pours a little lube on himself before snuggling in behind Akaashi. He runs one hand through his hair and pulls lightly before attacking his neck with kisses.

“Watching you two was the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” He growls while rubbing his cock on the outside of Akaashi’s hole.

Akaashi lets out a small groan, enjoying all of Bokuto’s aggressiveness. He could never fear him. “How much did you enjoy it?”

“Do you feel how hard I am? I’m about to explode. I thought I was going to die.” He takes a particularly hard nip at Akaashi’s neck, probably leaving a mark. “Can I put it in?’

Akaashi turns a little so he can kiss Bokuto properly and run one hand across his face. He can feel himself getting more aroused again. “I want to feel you too.”

Bokuto kisses him back hard before running one hand down his side, across his ass, brushing his hole teasingly, and under his leg to lift it up for easier access. He shoves his cock in all at once causing both of them to groan in pleasure. Bokuto slams into him with zealous while murmuring more about how much he loved watching Akaashi and Kuroo have sex.

Kuroo lifts one leg, bends it, and places it under Akaashi’s leg so Bokuto doesn’t have to hold it. He keeps his face buried in Akaashi’s neck giving him kisses and sucking on his neck and shoulder. He removes one hand briefly from Akaashi to run his hand through Bokuto’s hair and down his arm just to feel him.

Bokuto moves both his hands to Akaashi’s hips and thrusts in him vigorously. He presses against Akaashi’s prostate causing him to gasp. The hand Kuroo had on Bokuto trails along Akaashi’s side, down his stomach, and to his cock to stroke him. At the sensation of Bokuto slamming inside him and Kuroo touching him, Akaashi throws his head back in a uncharacteristically loud moan. Hearing that, both of them start going faster. Kuroo pulls his arm from under Akaashi to fondle his balls while his strokes him and kisses every inch of skin he can reach. Bokuto works his hips pounding into him while kissing and biting anywhere he can reach.

“Koutarou! Tetsurou!” Akaashi cries as he spills over into Kuroo’s hand.

Bokuto keeps pounding him for a few more seconds before shoving himself as deep as he can in Akaashi and groaning, his grip so tight on Akaashi’s hips that it’ll probably bruise later.

He slowly pulls out and Kuroo lowers his leg so Akaashi can rest his. Both of them wrap their arms around Akaashi and pull him in tight.

Bokuto snuggles against Akaashi murmuring, “My sweet Keiji. You’re so amazing. My Keiji.”

Akaashi giggles and intertwines his fingers with each of them, still trying to catch his breath.

_I could do that every day for the rest of my life. What a heavenly experience._

“That. Was. Other-wordly.” He finally manages to pant.

“So that means you’ll be up for that again?”

Akaashi’s eyes start to flutter shut and he brokenly replies, “Abso-fucking-lutley.”

Bokuto gives a little cheer and Kuroo squeezes him tighter although his face is still nestled in Akaashi’s neck and it seems like he has no intention of moving anytime soon.

_Koutarou wasn’t lying when he said Tetsurou was like a leech post sex._

“I’m going to go shower. Either of you want to join me?”

“I need rest.” Akaashi replies with his eyes closed feeling himself ready to drift off any second.

Kuroo just shakes his head and squeezes Akaashi again.

“M’kay.” Bokuto sits up and gives both of them a kiss on the cheek. “I’mma shower. If you two are asleep by the time I get done, I’ll go pick us up some food and give you time to nap.”

“My hero.” Kuroo mumbles from Akaashi’s neck.

“Thank you, Koutarou.” Akaashi nestles in closer to Kuroo.

There’s a soft giggle from Bokuto and some rustling around while he grabs his clothes from the floor. He pauses briefly and there’s the sound of his phone taking a picture.

“Oh, shit.” He mumbles before quickly running off to the bathroom behind the safety of a locked door.

“Did he just take a picture of us?”

Kuroo nods. “It’s not the first picture he’s snuck of you. Go through his phone sometime.”

Akaashi gives a snort and resumes running his nails against Kuroo’s back again. “You’re never letting me go, are you?”

Kuroo shakes his head.

“Are you always like this after sex?”

He nods his head this time.

“Mhm. It’s surprising, but I’m okay with that.” He gives a big yawn and rests his head against Kuroo’s forehead and kisses it. “If you’re still up when Koutarou gets out of the shower, tell him I want Italian. I’m sleep.”

**. . .**

Akaashi awakens to the smell of food and whispering in the kitchen. He’s still naked in bed, but the sheets are pulled over him and he’s alone. Feeling that unsettling feeling that this was vaguely familiar in the worst way, he rolls out of bed and throws on some underwear. He sleepily walks to the kitchen rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he stumbles around.

In the kitchen Kuroo, who’s freshly showered and dressed now, has Bokuto pressed against the kitchen counter with his arms wrapped around Bokuto’s waist. There’s takeout on the counter and they’re talking quietly. Bokuto’s looking at him intently like he’s trying to digest whatever Kuroo’s saying.

_They look so perfect and natural together._

They hear Akaashi walking over and snap their heads over to him, but don’t separate.

“Morning, Keiji. I brought Italian for you. We could also watch a movie if you’re up for it.” Bokuto beams at him.

“Thank you, Koutarou.” He stifles a yawn and rubs his hands across his face. “I’m going to shower first. You two can go ahead.”

“Sure thing.” Bokuto replies a little despondently.

Akaashi doesn’t pay mind and shuffles into the bathroom. He can hear more hushed whispering, but he can’t bring himself to care yet. He’s not a morning person by any definition.

He catches his reflection in the mirror, somewhat at his own horror. His hair is probably worse than Kuroo’s is and he’s got some serious bags under his eyes. There’s several marks left on him and one of his hips is indeed bruised. Overall, he looks like trash compared to those supermodel boyfriends he has. Boyfriend. Boyfriends?

“Fuck.” He mumbles to himself.

_You let your dick do your thinking for you. Now what? You want to date Kuroo too. You want to keep sleeping with him._

He turns the water on and pushes it to the hottest setting.

_Maybe it’ll be okay? People break up all the time. Maybe it’s arrogant of me to think that I’d devastate them if I suddenly disappeared._

Steam starts to fill up the bathroom and he steps into the scalding water. It burns like hell, but right now he feels like it’s what he needs to wash off all his unsettling thoughts.

_I’ll make it official still. We’ll all date and then I’ll disappear. I’ll start making excuses after break ends and slowly work my way out of the relationship with both of them. I deserve a few fond memories before then._

By the time he gets out of the shower his skin is burning and he’s overheated. He stumbles from the bathroom in only a towel since he forgot to bring any clothes. Kuroo’s standing in the kitchen with his back turned and Akaashi latches on to him.

“Heyy.” Kuroo cautiously greets. “You feeling okay?”

“Hot” Akaashi mumbles into his back.

“Want some cold water?”

Akaashi nods. Kuroo slowly takes steps forward so he can reach the sink since Akaashi’s still clinging onto him. There’s a chuckle from the side.

“Keiji’s a leech too.”

Akaashi just nods and squeezes Kuroo tighter. Kuroo gives a small laugh.

“Not that I mind you clinging to me, but you can’t drink water or eat like that.”

Akaashi gives a huff and relinquishes his hold. “Only because I’m hungry after having both of you bang me until I see god.” He takes a sip of his water and turns so he can see Bokuto too. “I require maximum cuddles before you two leave tonight, if you leave.” He pauses to take another sip of water and grab a plate. “Possibly sex too.”

“Bo, we’ve created a monster.” Kuroo whispers in awe.

Bokuto giggles and bounces in his seat a little. “I’m always down to satisfy both of your needs.”

**. . .**

When Bokuto and Kuroo finally leave, which was the next day and after having sex with both of them twice more, Akaashi tries his best to clear his head. It’s jumbled more than usual. Part of him just wants to keep living this part of his life. The part where he has Bokuto and Kuroo. The part where they go on trips, support each other, and bring out the best in each other. The part where everything doesn’t hurt or feels empty. The part where he _lives_.

The other part of him knows it can’t go on forever. It can’t. Even though he’s happy now, it won’t last. It’s only a few days from New Years. Then it will be the year he finally ends it all. The pain. The disappointed looks.

No matter how happy he is now, the bad things will come back. It’s inevitable. He’ll go back to school in a few more days. The stress will return. The need to be perfect. Then graduation. What’s supposed to be a happy day will be what really finalizes his death plans. The day he’s supposed to be free is his life-sentence to the boring, abusive world of working for his father. Of living up to his parent’s expectations. They’d probably even want him to move back in with them. Move back in so he can save money for a house even more wastefully extravagant than theirs and to keep making marriage arrangements for him.

He doesn’t want that. He can’t live like that. He won’t.

But there’s only one escape. There’s only one way out.

_New Year’s will be the last chance I’ll get to take a trip with Koutarou and Tetsurou. I’ll take them both for a trip. I don’t need my savings anymore. I don’t want them to waste more money on me. I’ll bring it up tonight and ask where they want to go._

**. . .**

They meet at Kuroo’s that night to play games with Kenma. Kenma’s overjoyed to see Akaashi and envelops him in a hug as soon as he spots him.

There’s a muffled, “Thank you” that comes from where Kenma’s face is pressed to Akaashi’s chest.

Akaashi tilts his head a little and frowns. “What for?”

Kenma pulls his head from Akaashi and looks towards Kuroo and back at Akaashi before hiding his face in Akaashi’s chest again. “Giving Kuro a chance. He’s been pining over you and fighting himself over not letting himself betray Koutarou for months. It was especially bad before you and Koutarou got back.”

“Oh.” Akaashi softly whispers and ruffles Kenma’s hair. “Can I tell you a secret?”

Kenma pulls his head up to look at Akaashi with wide eyes.

_He can be so cute when he’s scared._

Akaashi bends down to whisper in his ear. “I’ve decided I’m going to date both of them. I’m going to treat them both to a small vacation for New Year’s.”

Kenma’s eyes grow even larger before he buries his face again and squeezes Akaashi tighter. “I know he’s the most annoying person on Earth, but I want him to be happy. I want both of them to be happy. You too.”

Akaashi gives a soft smile and ruffles Kenma’s hair again. “What about you though? I thought you and Kuroo had a sort of arrangement as well?”

Kenma promptly bends down, removes his slipper, and chunks it at Kuroo’s face. “Don’t tell people about my sex life!”

“Akaashi isn’t people! Besides, he’s on the ace spectrum too!” Kuroo yells back still tapping away at the controller trying to beat Bokuto at a game already. It takes him a second to realize what he said before pausing the game. “Shit.” He turns to Akaashi. “Starshine, I didn’t mean to throw your business out there.”

“I’m not ashamed anymore about it.” He turns to Kenma. “I’m demisexual. Apparently, these two goofballs do it for me.”

There’s a sigh of relief and the game resumes. Kenma cringes a little bit and finally releases Akaashi. “I don’t want sex. When I do, have sex I mean, it’s just because I need a different sensation to get off instead of just myself. Unfortunately, those two are the only ones I trusted enough to do that.” He looks at them briefly before looking back at Akaashi. “Not Koutarou since you two started dating, of course.”

Akaashi gives a small snicker. “I didn’t think so. Though,” he pauses and rubs his chin, “I wouldn’t mind if you continued to use my boyfriends for their services.” He finishes with a smirk.

Kenma’s eyes widen at the implication. The game pauses again and Kuroo and Bokuto whip around to look at Akaashi.

“Boy-boyfriends? Like multiple? Like Bo and?” Kuroo babbles, as he starts to stand up fidgeting the whole way.

Akaashi’s smirk just grows wider. “Yes, boyfriends. Plural. Koutarou and Tetsurou, to be precise.”

Kuroo jumps over the couch and sprints to Akaashi to embrace him in a hug. He picks him up and holds him mid-air while Akaashi laughs. By the time he sets Akaashi down, Bokuto’s made it over there and joins in on the hug-fest. All three can’t control their grins and Kuroo is crying. Kenma’s the only one not in the hug, but as soon as Akaashi opens his eyes, he realizes Kenma’s taking pictures for them.

Akaashi kisses both of them on the cheek and squeezes them both. “Since it’s official now, I’d like to take my boyfriends on a trip for New Year’s.”

“But-“

“No buts. You two spoiled me for my birthday. Let me spoil you two in celebration.”

“That’s-“

“You know better than to argue with Keiji. He’s just as stubborn as I am.”

**. . .**

Akaashi has a panic attack that night. It’s the first full one he’s had since his birthday, and, frankly, he’s not at all surprised when it happens. Thankfully, he’d kicked his boyfriends out citing his “bed was far too small for three grown-ass men”. He’d managed to fall asleep for an hour before it hit.

He’s in the middle of a bad dream when it starts. He’s in his apartment sitting on his bed. Small spiderlike creatures start flood in. They appear as spiders at first, but as they near, he notices they’re words.

Disappointment. Faggot. Failure. Unloved. Unwanted. Pitiful.

They all come charging at him so densely that it just looks like a black blur but somehow, he’s still able to decipher what they say. He knows he should jump. He should run away. He can’t move his body and they just keep getting nearer. They start crawling up his legs like a swarm of fire ants. It’s the pain of it that finally pushes him awake.

He wakes up gasping for air and is met with a pounding chest that feels so heavy he wouldn’t be surprised if it just caved in on him. He’s drenched in sweat and looks around the room frantically looking for the words that plague him. When he finally realizes it was a dream, the adrenaline wears off and the pain in his chest becomes unbearable. He curls into a ball with his hands clenched in his hair panting, unsure if he’ll die or manage to pull through.

_I don’t want to die yet. I want to see Koutarou and Tetsurou again. I want to have more memories of us together._

His panic attack continues for an hour. Part of him wonders if he should call for an ambulance, but the other part of him thinks “good”. It’s an easy cop-out.

He finally passes out hours later, exhausted and crying.

**. . .**

The next morning, he just wants to hide in bed all day. As with most of his panic attacks, he feels like he’s just completed several marathons back to back. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone. He just wants to weigh the consequences of his selfish choices.

_You’re leading them on. You’re just using them for your own enjoyment. How despicable._

His boyfriends won’t let him ruminate in peace, though. They’re excited about the trip and, understandably, are blowing up his phone. The guilt he’d feel from disappointing them after promising a mini-vacation with them would haunt him. It’s was gives him the will to get out of bed.

He can live for a while longer if it’s for the people he loves.

But not for himself.

**. . .**

Bokuto and Kuroo arrive at Akaashi’s apartment around noon. Technically it’s New Year’s Day, but they still have a few days before they have to go back to school and work. Since it was a spur of the moment idea, they’re going to ring the new year in together with soba and temple hopping. Today was a day to decide where they wanted to go, book a hotel, and plan a small itinerary. That was proving much harder than anticipated, though.

Akaashi rubbed his temples as his boyfriends vetoed yet another suggestion because they thought it was “too expensive” and they “didn’t want him to spend so much”.

_It would be endearing if it weren’t so irritating._

“We could just stay here.” Bokuto hums before taking a bite out of some string cheese.

Kuroo snaps his fingers eagerly and points to Bokuto. “That’s a great idea! We can make smores.”

_What do smores even have to do with New Year’s or winter break? That’s more of a fall thing._

Akaashi groans and knocks his head on the table several times. He takes a deep breath before sitting back up and glaring at his boyfriends. “Okay. You’ve both lost your privileges to pick. I’m picking the place, the hotel, and the activities. The only thing you two get a say in is if you’re going or not.”

“Starshine, of course we’re going no matter what. We just don’t want you to spend a lot of money on us. You are just a student, after all.”

Akaashi gives Kuroo a flat look to remind him that he’s a student as well. Kuroo backs down with a grimace, so Akaashi turns to Bokuto, who’s biting his lip and looking at the ceiling.

“If you spend money on us, then it’ll be like paying us back for your birthday. That’d be unfair.”

“That’s not how that works, and you know it.”

Bokuto deflates a little and pouts.

Akaashi searches the top cities to visit in Japan. A list of ten cities come up. Tokyo, Kyoto, and Hakone are on the list, so he mentally crosses those out.

“Alright. I have a list of some cities of interest. I’m going to do the random number generator and whatever it is, is where we go. Tokyo is obviously on there, so I’ll try again if that’s what it is. Kyoto and Hakone are also on it, so those will also be redo’s since Koutarou and I have been there.”

Kuroo lets out a low whine. “I want to go places with you.”

Akaashi gives a little laugh and shakes his head. “That’s what I’m trying to do here, but you two keep telling me not to waste money.” He shakes his head again. “As if money spent on you two could ever be wasted money.”

There’s a resounding “aww” followed by hugs on both sides of him. They stayed glued to him, so he pulls up the random number generator for them to see.

“Alright, here goes.”

He clicks and gets a 7. He clicks back over to the list.

“Looks like we’re going to Nikko.”

**. . .**

The trip goes by in a blur. Akaashi’s mostly too anxious to enjoy it properly, but there are a few things he’ll remember even in death.

The smiles on his boyfriends faces and childlike joy that didn’t fade the entire trip until they finally made it back home and everyone had to go their separate ways.

Waking up to Bokuto’s weight on him while he snores blissfully and Kuroo snuggled up to his side clinging to him.

The beauty of the Takinoo Shrine covered in snow as he watches the two people he loves most walk under the archway holding hands. He couldn’t resist sneaking a picture of them to cherish.

Early morning room service for breakfast while laughing at the two worst cases of bedhead he’s ever seen in his life.

The souvenirs both Kuroo and Bokuto managed to sneakily buy for him despite his protests.

The way he was kissed like he was the only thing that mattered in the world over and over again.

The way they both whispered ‘I love you’ to him in such a heart-felt manner before sloppily kissing every inch of his body until he laughed so hard he cried.

The ache in his heart knowing that this is the last time they’ll get to be together like this; carefree, full of love, and pretending they will all have a future together.

Aside from the pain, if he has a choice, he hopes these will be the last memories that flash through his mind as he dies.

**. . .**

School starts the Monday after they get back. Bokuto goes back to work, Kuroo goes back to graduate school, and Akaashi feigns being overloaded with his own studies.

The first day the apartment office is open after they get back he pays his last three months of rent and gives notice of lease termination for the end of March.

He’s still of sound mind when he makes it back up to his apartment. He begins cleaning. He searches for anything that’s not his to bag up. Both Bokuto and Kuroo had managed to “forget” things and clothes there. The clothes get washed and put in a recyclable bag along with anything else of theirs. Thankfully, he doesn’t have anyone else’s things except for the Gameboy Kenma had given Akaashi. He puts it in Kuroo’s bag to return. It’d be a shame for Kenma’s treasure to be donated.

After that, he searches for non-essential items that are donatable or recyclable. Even though he’s going to attempt to avoid everyone under the guise of studying, he knows he’ll buckle and see his boyfriends more than need be. He can’t get rid of too much or they’ll get curious. He considers lying and telling them that he’s starting to send things back to his parent’s house, but then there would be the issue of him not telling them he was moving back. There would be more questions and offers to move in with them. He knew for certain Kuroo and Kenma had a spare room and they weren’t above abducting him.

He doesn’t own much. He’d been accumulating more and more things lately due to the sudden influx of friends he’d ascertained and his boyfriends. He couldn’t bear parting with those treasures until the end. There were a lot of books that hadn’t been touched in ages, though. He cleaned most of them out and boxed them up to be donated soon. The rest would have to wait a few more months.

Most things he couldn’t get rid of until later without causing suspicion. It was annoying. They say you can’t prepare for your own death, and it was seemingly more and more true. He had a list, though, and it’d make it easier in the long run. Or short run depending on how you defined it.

Next was his will. After searching templates online, he makes a draft. Normally, it’d have to be officially signed, but this would still do as long as he signs it and leaves it somewhere it can be found. The most important thing was that his parents received the leftover money in his account. He considered sending them some of his memorabilia or keepsakes but decided against it since then they’d have to be reminded of him. It was better this way.

The only thing left that he could do right now was write. So, he set to writing like it was the only thing in the world. No interactions. No breaks. No food.

**. . .**

[ **Koutarou** ]: Keiiiijiiiii!

[ **Koutarou** ]: I MISS YOU

[ **Koutarou** ]: .･ﾟﾟ･(／ω＼)･ﾟﾟ･.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: same

[ **Tetsurou** ]: (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ

[ **Tetsurou** ]: but school is important

[ **Koutarou** ]: I hate school

[ **Tetsurou** ]: really, bo?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: do we need to have the pot or kettle conversation again?

[ **Koutarou** ]: (⇀‸↼‶)

[ **Koutarou** ]: …..no…..

[ **Tetsurou** ]: still

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Starshine you do seem a bit busier than usual

[ **Koutarou** ]: he is in the final stretch now

[ **Koutarou** ]: gotta finish strong

[ **Koutarou** ]: oh! Look at this cute llama!

[ **Koutarou** ]: [Image Attached]

[ **Tetsurou** ]: adorable

**. . .**

[ **Tetsurou** ]: pizza nd gaming marathon at myplace Friday?

[ **Koutarou** ]: YUUSSSSS

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Starshine?

[ **Koutarou** ]: KEIJI!

[ **Koutarou** ]: you should take a break

[ **Koutarou** ]: if you think you can

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Kenma wants to see you

[ **Tetsurou** ]: he’s dating sunshine and blueberry now so they’ll be there too

[ **Tetsurou** ]: more victims for you and Kenma to beat

[ **Koutarou** ]: (人･∀･)

[ **Tetsurou** ]: you two can stay here

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I’ll get you up early so you can go back to studying

[ **Koutarou** ]: please

[ **Tetsurou** ]: please

[ **Koutarou** ]: please

[ **Tetsurou** ]: please

[ **Koutarou** ]: please

[ **Tetsurou** ]: please

[ **Koutarou** ]: please

[ **Tetsurou** ]: please

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Sorry guys. Not this Friday. I have two tests Monday.

[ **Koutarou** ]: it’s okay. We understand!

[ **Koutarou** ]: do your best!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: good luck!

**. . .**

[ **Koutarou** ]: [Image Attached]

[ **Tetsurou** ]: adorable. Gives me years on my life

**. . .**

[ **Koutarou** ]: Either of you free for lunch today?

[ **Koutarou** ]: I got an extra hour today

[ **Tetsurou** ]: woot!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I’ll be free in 30

[ **Tetsurou** ]: were at?

[ **Koutarou** ]: the usual curry place?

[ **Koutarou** ]: Keiji?

[ **Koutarou** ]: think you’ll be able to join us?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: omw

[ **Tetsurou** ]: maybe he’s still in class?

[ **Koutarou** ]: I don’t think so. Maybe he’s busy?

[ **Koutarou** ]: we’ll be there for a while if you can

**. . .**

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Starrrrssshhhhiiiiiinnneeee

[ **Tetsurou** ]: weee miiissssss yyyooouuuuu

[ **Tetsurou** ]: ( ╥ω╥ )

[ **Koutarou** ]: we should go on a date!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: best idea

[ **Koutarou** ]: maybe that’s too time consuming though?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: we could go to Starshine’s and cook dinner for him

[ **Tetsurou** ]: maybe a movie?

[ **Koutarou** ]: bet

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: maybe next week. Have a group project.

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: we all know how those go…

**. . .**

[ **Cat Bro** ]: bro

[ **Cat Bro** ]: are you with Keiji right now?

[ **Owl Bro** ]: no

[ **Owl Bro** ]: wish I was

[ **Cat Bro** ]: okay

[ **Cat Bro** ]: so maybe I’m being paranoid

[ **Cat Bro** ]: but I feel ike he’s avoiding me?

[ **Cat Bro** ]: you two used to go on dates all the time

[ **Cat Bro** ]: we haven’t

[ **Cat Bro** ]: I barely get replies

[ **Cat Bro** ]: and most of them are from our group chat

[ **Cat Bro** ]: did I do something???

[ **Cat Bro** ]: I haven’t seen him seen we got back

[ **Cat Bro** ]: IT’S BEEN WEEKS

[ **Owl Bro** ]: dude

[ **Owl Bro** ]: it’s not just you

[ **Owl Bro** ]: same here

[ **Owl Bro** ]: I was hoping maybe he was spending time with you

[ **Owl Bro** ]: since you two havent’ had much bonding tiem

[ **Owl Bro** ]: and maybe you didn’t wean to tell me

[ **Owl Bro** ]: but yeah

[ **Owl Bro** ]: nothing

[ **Owl Bro** ]: maybe he’s just that busy?

[ **Owl Bro** ]: its’ his last few months

[ **Owl Bro** ]: and he doesn’t want to disappoint his parents

[ **Owl Bro** ]: you remmebr what he said when he got back

[ **Owl Bro** ]: it’ll break him

[ **Cat Bro** ]: is he always like this thou

[ **Cat Bro** ]: he never used to reply to me

[ **Cat Bro** ]: but that’s cause he hated me

[ **Cat Bro** ]: I thought maybe it’d get better

[ **Cat Bro** ]: I mean

[ **Cat Bro** ]: we’re dating right??

[ **Owl Bro** ]: right

[ **Owl Bro** ]: he’s never been the most responsive

[ **Owl Bro** ]: but this is worse than usual

[ **Owl Bro** ]: I’m worried

[ **Owl Bro** ]: remember last time he stopped communicating?

[ **Cat Bro** ]: FUCK

[ **Cat Bro** ]: yes

[ **Cat Bro** ]: should we say something

[ **Cat Bro** ]: stage a coup d’état

[ **Owl Bro** ]: DON’T

[ **Owl Bro** ]: if there’s one thing I know about Keiji

[ **Owl Bro** ]: it’s that he will be PISSED

[ **Owl Bro** ]: he’ll just withdraw more

[ **Owl Bro** ]: I don’t like it but

[ **Owl Bro** ]: as long as he keeps responding occasionally

[ **Owl Bro** ]: he’s probably fine

[ **Owl Bro** ]: occasionally I see him on campus

[ **Owl Bro** ]: so he’s not holed up at home

[ **Cat Bro** ]: …..

[ **Cat Bro** ]: still

[ **Cat Bro** ]: I have a bad feeling

[ **Cat Bro** ]: he’s beign avoidant

[ **Cat Bro** ]: anytime he does that he’s hiding something

[ **Owl Bro** ]: he’s always secretive though

[ **Owl Bro** ]: just like his vacation after he graduates???

[ **Owl Bro** ]: we’d been together for months and I idn’t know

[ **Owl Bro** ]: MONTHS TETSU

[ **Owl Bro** ]: I get that I’m not entitled to know

[ **Owl Bro** ]: but it’s still weird

[ **Cat Bro** ]: ……….

[ **Owl Bro** ]: what?

[ **Owl Bro** ]: am I wrong there?

[ **Cat Bro** ]: no

[ **Cat Bro** ]: do you think

[ **Cat Bro** ]: and I’m just throwing this out there

[ **Cat Bro** ]: and I really, REALLY hope I’m not right

[ **Cat Bro** ]: that hes going to leave us after graduation?

[ **Owl Bro** ]: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ **Owl Bro** ]: WHAT

[ **Owl Bro** ]: WHY WOULD YOU PUT THAT IN MY HEAD???/?

[ **Owl Bro** ]: (｡T ω T｡)

[ **Owl Bro** ]: ｡･ﾟﾟ･(＞_＜)･ﾟﾟ･｡.

[ **Owl Bro** ]:  ｡･ﾟﾟ*(>д<)*ﾟﾟ･

[ **Cat Bro** ]: I don’t like it either

[ **Cat Bro** ]: I hate it

[ **Cat Bro** ]: I hate even suggesting it

[ **Cat Bro** ]: fuck

[ **Cat Bro** ]: I made myself cry

[ **Cat Bro** ]: hold on

[ **Owl Bro** ]: (｡╯︵╰｡)

[ **Owl Bro** ]: I’ll come over after I finish walking dogs

[ **Cat Bro** ]: thanks buddy

[ **Cat Bro** ]: love you

[ **Owl Bro** ]: love you too

[ **Cat Bro** ]: somethings up though

[ **Cat Bro** ]: and I don’t like it

[ **Owl Bro** ]: lets give him time

[ **Owl Bro** ]: it might be nothing

[ **Owl Bro** ]: but if he stops responding and stops going to class

[ **Owl Bro** ]: then we break in

[ **Owl Bro** ]: otherwise

[ **Owl Bro** ]: he’ll hate us

[ **Cat Bro** ]: fine

[ **Cat Bro** ]: I hate it

[ **Cat Bro** ]: but I’ll comply

[ **Cat Bro** ]: keep me updated though

**. . .**

Akaashi stares down at his phone. He’s got texts upon texts that he’s barely replied to. He’s been invited out and over more times than he cares to count, and even then, he hasn’t paid too much attention to most of his messages, so there’s no doubt several more than he’s aware of.

_I can’t do this. They’re suffering. They’d be better off if I wasn’t in their life. I can’t wait any longer._

With tears running down his face, he finds himself looking for something, anything in the bathroom that might work. Something that might make everything stop hurting. There was no cure for the pain in his heart and head. Only ending his life could cure him.

The only thing he can find is over the counter pain reliver.

A handful of pills go down his throat. He’s not sure how to do this. He’s never considered pills before. It seems so messy.

He starts to get drowsy shortly after. He lays down hoping it’ll be the last time he ever does so.

_I’m sorry Koutarou. I’m sorry Tetsurou. I’m so sorry._

He wakes up several hours later in his own vomit. He’d thrown up the pills in his sleep.

Terrified, he cries until he passes out again.

When he finally wakes up again, he doesn’t contact his boyfriends, his parents, his friends, or the hospital. He washes his sheets and clothes and then showers.

The next day he goes to class as if it’d never happened. Nothing changed for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First: I'm sorry. I will repent.
> 
> The Boku-tiddies strike again. *also rubs my face in the Boku-tiddies hoping they will suffocate me*
> 
> Bet you didn’t think Akaashi and Kuroo were going to bang this chapter. Guess what? Neither did I. Sorry if the porn was a little eh. Writing porn is hard af when you’re ace and trying to focus on the ANGST.
> 
> Kuroo has a name kink in anything I write. I’m not convinced this isn’t cannon. Just like I’m not convinced that BokuAka isn’t cannon and Akaashi isn’t on the autism spectrum.
> 
> Whoops. I made myself cry again... No. Wait. Make that three times.
> 
> [In honor of hitting 1000 cumulative kudos I’m open to do writer and/or any asks on Tumblr if anyone’s interested!](https://oopsthisisqueertoo.tumblr.com/post/177442060184/fanfiction-writer-asks) No spoiler questions though!
> 
> ***For the next SEVERAL chapters I will not be replying to comments due to the direction the story is about to head in. And I can’t keep my mouth shut. I WILL be reading any comments, and you will know, as they don’t post until I approve them. When I have passed the point where I can respond (tentatively after I post chapter 27 ), I will give thanks and reply to all your comments that haven’t been answered at that point. Please don’t assume I’m ignoring you or that I don’t appreciate you taking the time to gush or cry-scream at me. <3***  
> (I’ll repost this at the end of every chapter until we’ve passed the point that I want to get past.)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm a weak man and I'm giving up on not answering comments. I've already replied to some of you. I'll reply to the rest at some point.
> 
> This chapter is from Bokuto's pov! There will be some S E C R E T S R E V E A L E D.
> 
> There is a teensy sex scene, but nothing else too bad that should warrant a TW. At least, I think.

Bokuto was the first to break.

He tried. He _really_ tried. But patience was never his strong suit. Nor was sitting around. And right now, he was doing both and it was going to make him go berserk. He was going to have a Britney Spears in 2000 breakdown if he didn’t do something soon.

Something was up with Keiji. He’d still been going to class. Well, mostly. More than he had before, which was a bit strange in itself, but it wasn’t concrete proof that something was off with him. And he was still responding to messages. Not as many as he normally did, but not completely shutting everyone out like last time he shut himself in.

For the life of him, Bokuto couldn’t figure out what happened. Everything was going so well. At least he thought it was. Before Keiji left for his parents he went on trips with him and Kuroo. He seemed to like them a lot. He smiled and laughed and was physically affectionate. He was open and seemed like he’d never been happier. Bokuto wasn’t sure if he _had_ seen him look happier than he did on both their trips. After he got back, he wasn’t so great at first, but he agreed to date Kuroo and then they all went on another trip that was absolutely amazing. Bokuto still yearns to go back. Watching his boyfriends grin so much their face hurts is something he could watch all day.

But something still wasn’t right. He didn’t know what, but he could feel it.

He thought maybe Keiji was slipping into a depressive state again and didn’t want to worry anyone. That he didn’t want anyone to know. But, the more Bokuto thought about it, it didn’t make sense. Everyone already knew Keiji was prone to depressive episodes. They’d all panicked for a month back in the summer over it until Oikawa broke in. At the very least, Bokuto knew about his tendencies and would be there for him no matter what. At least, he hoped Keiji knew that.

But Keiji hadn’t mentioned anything about it. He’d barely said anything at all.

So, then he thought that maybe Keiji just didn’t want Kuroo to know. They’d just started dating and maybe Keiji didn’t feel comfortable sharing that kind of stuff with Kuroo. Kuroo didn’t know the things that Keiji had barely shared with Bokuto. The things that Bokuto felt like he’d pried out from Keiji even though it was probably for the best that Bokuto knew. Kuroo knew that Keiji had shut himself up for a month. He was a pretty smart guy, so he might’ve been able to figure out why, but he didn’t _know,_ _know_ and there was no way in hell Keiji would ever give that information willingly. If anything, it seemed like Keiji avoided Kuroo when it came to certain things. Keiji always looked away or at Bokuto when the hard questions were asked even if Kuroo was the one who asked.

Kuroo had asked Bokuto about the scar on Akaashi’s leg as well even though he acted like he didn’t notice it when he and Keiji got intimate. When they were alone later, he tried to casually bring it up, but Bokuto had to invoke the bro code, much to Kuroo’s displeasure. And whining. Lots of whining.

Even though Bokuto had wanted their relationship to happen, he couldn’t help but to still feel a little protective of Keiji from Kuroo. He trusted Kuroo. He was his best bro, former partner, and now partner again. He still felt like he needed to protect Keiji, though.

He wanted to protect Keiji from the world.

So that’s why he had picked some flowers and was arranging a bouquet for him right now. He would bring Keiji flowers and food and force himself in to see Keiji. He felt a little bad about his plan. He was forcing Keiji into seeing him even though he clearly didn’t want to. Part of him hopes that’s really not the case. That Keiji is just really busy and doesn’t have a lot of free time. But that notion didn’t feel right. Bokuto had watched him do homework many times before and Keiji never seemed to mind.

He also felt guilty that he wasn’t going to tell Kuroo what he was doing. He felt like he was going behind his back, but Kuroo’s feelings be damned, Bokuto _needed_ to check on Keiji. Something was _wrong,_ and he didn’t know if Keiji would open up to him if they both showed up. If it was just Bokuto then he could play it off as him being needy, which wasn’t technically untrue, but if they both showed up it’d be an ambush.

“Perfect.” Bokuto mumbles to himself while arranging the flowers in his hand. Flower arrangements weren’t really his forte. He grew the plants and studied them. He didn’t have experience in making them look aesthetically pleasing. Thankfully, Yachi was available and stern in combinations of flowers as well as arrangements. Over the months, he’d at least become adequate on bouquets. “Just needs some winter peonies and it’ll be done.”

“Bokuto-san, you’ve gotten good at that!” Yamaguchi walks up to observe Bokuto’s creation. “For your boyfriend again?”

“You can still drop the -san, Tadashi. I’m not a graduate student or a real employee here.” Bokuto smirks over at the meek freckled boy. “But, yes. Something for my Keiji. He seems a bit down.”

“Even if you’re just a lab assistant, you’re still an employee. They pay you, after all.” Yamaguchi hops up on the table Bokuto was using. “And we both know you’ll be a graduate student come March.”

Bokuto gives a soft smile and prunes the peonies he’s about to add. “Finally.”

“Have you told Akaashi-san yet?”

Bokuto’s eyes flicker to Yamaguchi hard for a second before returning to his flowers. “No.”

“Why not? You don’t think he’d be proud of you?”

“Ahh. He’d be proud. Surprised too. He wouldn’t be so happy to know that he, an undergrad, has technically been dating a staff member, even though I’m a lowly lab assistant.”

Yamaguchi goes rigid and his eyes widen. “You never told him?”

“No. He didn’t like me much at first. He’s a bit skittish and I didn’t want to scare him off. It almost came up when I ran into him on campus when Kuroo came to help me pick flowers, but we lied, and he let it go. He knows I work somewhere, but he doesn’t ask.” Bokuto snorts to himself. “That bastard Kuroo keeps trying to bring it up.”

“Bokuto.” Yamaguchi pulls his legs up on the table so he can sit cross-legged. “You’re telling me that the guy you’ve been dating for _six months_ still doesn’t know the basic things about your life? Are you going to tell me he doesn’t even know where you live next?”

Bokuto deflates a little as he wraps a ribbon around the stems of his completed bouquet. “Well-“

“No. Fucking really?” Yamaguchi’s mouth is hanging open as he stares down at Bokuto. “Do you even fucking like this guy?”

“Language.” Bokuto scolds. “It’s not that simple. If he comes over, he’ll find something tying me to being employed here. He won’t be comfortable with that. I’m not going to tell him until after he graduates so he won’t have to worry about it.”

“You realize you’ve been lying to him, right?”

“That has been pointed out to me several times already, most frequently by Kuroo.”

“And?” Yamaguchi prods.

“Are you going to get your butt off my table and get to work or am I going to have to call Tobio and let him know about your crush on him?”

“I used to think you’d be cool!” Yamaguchi pouts before jumping off the table and walking away.

“When you’re my age you’ll understand!” Bokuto calls after him.

“We’re only two years apart!”

Bokuto looks down at his completed bouquet. He wishes he could do something else for Keiji. Something better than flower and food. But this is what he has to work with. He’ll just have to be extra bubbly to make up for his lack of time and resources.

**. . .**

Bokuto shuffles outside Keiji’s apartment door flowers and food in hand. He’d tried texting Keiji earlier, and he and Kuroo had been texting in the group chat, but it was another of those days where Keiji wasn’t replying. It worried him, but it helped reassure him that he needed to be here even if Keiji didn’t necessarily want him there. They were still boyfriends. Hopefully it’d be okay.

He knocks loudly on Keiji’s door so there’s no doubt he’ll be able to hear it. A few seconds later, Keiji tentatively opens the door looking tired and unamused. When he notices it’s Bokuto, he visibly panics briefly before walking away, but leaves the door open.

“I brought food.” Bokuto cheers as he steps inside.

Keiji had disappeared into the bathroom and he could hear water running and it sounded like he was washing his face and brushing his teeth.

Bokuto frowns. It was dinnertime already. That uneasy feeling in his gut grows more, but he pushes it down and busies himself searching for a vase and attempting to radiate enough sunshine that it would permeate through the walls to help cheer Keiji up. He hums to himself as he fills the vase and places it on the low bookshelf Keiji usually sets his flowers. There’s a vase filled with dead flowers there that needs to be thrown away. Petals are scattered on the bookcase and a few have fallen between it and the wall. Before Bokuto can start to clean it up, the bathroom door opens.

Keiji walks out shirtless, still looking unamused.

“Keiji!” Bokuto beams and walks over to him for a hug and kiss. He doesn’t recoil, so Bokuto takes that as a good sign. “Sorry to barge in! I just missed you too much!”

“It’s alright, Koutarou. I sort of figured you’d drop by at some point. Just warn me next time. I was napping.”

Bokuto’s eyes flicker over to Keiji’s open laptop. The screen is still lit up like it was being used recently.

“Sorry, Keiji.” Bokuto pouts, feeling guilty about barging in even though his suspicions were only being solidified. “I brought orange chicken for us! Wanna watch a movie while we eat?”

“Sure. Let me clear off the table.”

Bokuto watches Keiji for a second as he starts to clean up. It wasn’t school work he was picking up. It looked something like whatever top-secret story Keiji had been writing on and forms of some sort. Not wanting to get caught, Bokuto turns back to the kitchen to get plates and chopsticks.

They settle down at the table and Keiji pulls out his laptop for a movie. He lets Bokuto pick. He picks randomly, not caring at all about the movie. He wasn’t going to watch it. After they finished eating, he was going to hold Keiji and talk to him until Keiji tried to kick him out. Then he was going to beg to spend the night. He waked adorable dogs five times a week, he knew how to give an effective puppy dog face when circumstances required it.

No one ever pegged Bokuto for a smart man. He knew he wasn’t the brightest, but he could strategize. It was one of his best strengths. It’s what carried him so far in volleyball. Well, that and brute strength. No one ever expected him to be deceitful as a strategy and assumed he was just airheaded without a care in the world.

He found himself looking around while eating. The place seemed a bit emptier than usual. The bookcase used to be filled with books and now there were spaces and it was neatly arranged. There were a couple of bags on the bookcase that looked like they were going to be taken somewhere or didn’t belong to Keiji. It didn’t even seem like Keiji had as many clothes as usual.

“So, have you decided where you’re going for your trip?” Bokuto hums and bounces a bit.

Keiji flinches at the question. “Ah. No. I was considering Finland or New Zealand.”

“Oooh! I hear both of those are really beautiful!”

Keiji gives a small smile. “They really are, Koutarou. They really are.”

_Wrong. Something’s wrong._

“You’re doing your spring cleaning already? I always tell myself I’m going to do it every year, but then I never do it. There’s so many other better things to be doing! There’s volleyball to play!”

Keiji gives a small snort. “Just getting rid of some things I don’t need anymore. Those bags on the bookcase are for you and Kuroo. You keep leaving clothes here.”

“Keeeiiijjjiiii! I’m not forgetting things here. I’m leaving excuses to come over!”

Keiji turns and looks at him flatly. “What are you picking up today then?”

“You.” Bokuto coos before leaning in and kissing Keiji’s neck a few times.

“That is the worst pickup line I’ve ever heard.”

“What?” Bokuto squawks. “No way! I’m sure Kuroo has said worse!”

Keiji covers his mouth in a laugh. “You’re probably right there. Will Kuroo being joining us today as well?”

“Nope!” Bokuto wraps his arms around Keiji and rubs their noses together. “I couldn’t bear the thought of sharing you right now! I’ve missed you way too much!”

Keiji flinches a little at that and Bokuto feels his heart drop.

_Keiji’s withdrawing from me again._

“Does Kuroo know you’re here?”

Bokuto grimaces a little. “Uh. Not really?”

“So you’re lying to him?”

“No! We both know that we won’t all be together sometimes.”

“Still,” Keiji plays with some chicken, looking away from Bokuto, “it feels a bit deceitful.”

“Maybe you should see him tomorrow then? He and I can hang out the next day and then all three of us can do something this weekend! Doesn’t that sound great?” Bokuto tries to ooze bubbles and sparkles and sunshine in hopes Keiji will agree. Scintillating was an effective persuasion tactic, right?

“I don’t know if I can justify that right now Koutarou. I’ve got a lot of work to do.”

Bokuto deflates a bit, knowing better than to argue with Keiji. The more you argued with him, the more he’d withdraw. He was like a rock in that sense: unmovable.

“Aww!” Bokuto collapses on Keiji’s lap. “I guess school is important. Soon as you finish and get back from your trip, Kuroo and I are kidnapping you for _months_ though!”

Keiji looks down at Bokuto with a sad smile. “I’ll look forward to it.”

Bokuto runs his hand softly across Keiji’s face and leans up to kiss him. Keiji hesitates at first but doesn’t pull away and kisses Bokuto back tenderly almost like he was afraid to kiss him too much.

**. . .**

When the movie is finished, Keiji has barely eaten anything, he’s barely spoken, and Bokuto is internally screaming. Keiji was letting him cuddle and kiss him, so at least part of the plan was working.

“Koutarou, I’m going to get some more work done before bed. Thanks for coming over tonight and for dinner. It was nice.”

“Do you mind if I stay here? I’ll let you do your work.”

Keiji frowns at him and looks over at his laptop before looking back at Bokuto.

“I don’t think-“

“Please?” Bokuto pouts while giving the best puppy dog eyes possible. “I want to spend more time with you even if it’s just being in the same room! If I don’t get my fill of my Keiji I’ll have to keep coming back even though you’re busy!”

Keiji bites his lip and looks back to his laptop before sighing. “Fine. But only if you promise to let me do work.”

“I promise Keiji! You won’t even know I’m here!”

“I’m going to hold you to that. If you keep bugging me, I’m going to kick you out.”

Bokuto starts to open his mouth in protest, but quickly snaps it shut in case Keiji would hold it against him. He zips his mouth dramatically and tosses a metaphorical key over his shoulder.

Keiji snorts and shakes his head. “You’ve got clothes in the green bag on the bookcase. You can use my headphones if you want to watch something.” He gets up to grab his laptop and a book from his bag.

Bokuto just smiles and watches him. Getting to stay over was a win even if they weren’t communicating. It wasn’t Keiji shutting him out. Not entirely at least. It gave him a chance and a chance was better than nothing.

Keiji shoots him an annoyed look for staring at him. Bokuto grins before silently hopping up and digging for clothes in the bag Keiji had mentioned. All of his clothes he’d strategically “forgotten” were in there. Every. Single. Piece. He frowns lightly as he grabs something comfortable to change into.

Keiji kept things decently clean, but it was never super clean. Not like it was now. He wasn’t exactly fastidious. This was a change. Not that it was a particularly a bad thing to clean more, but to change so suddenly didn’t sit right with Bokuto. People don’t change that fast without reason.

He goes to the bathroom to change so he’s not “distracting”. It’s cleaner in there too. Keiji had never really had much in his apartment, but Bokuto could tell there were still things missing from there as well.

_It’s just spring cleaning. It doesn’t mean anything. I’m being paranoid._

He chews his lips trying to convince himself this lie. Graduation was coming up soon and Keiji would be working for his father’s company then. His parents didn’t exactly live close. Maybe Keiji was planning on moving back home?

He hadn’t said anything, though. Bokuto racked his brain for Keiji mentioning anything about plans after graduation. The only thing that he’d mentioned was his extended vacation and having to work for his father. Everything else had been things Bokuto or Kuroo has begged for. It was kind of strange. Almost like he didn’t have any plans for his future.

But he also hid things. Not that Bokuto really liked that either, but he’d just accepted that’s a part of who Keiji was.

Hopefully.

Bokuto smacked his face and tried to force a cheerful facade. Him moping around and watching Keiji longingly wasn’t going to help anyone. He’d hold both of them up if he needed to. The only thing he could do for Keiji right now was be there and try to make his life slightly easier.

He set to work putting up the leftovers and washing dishes as quietly as humanly possible, which for him was like balancing on a tightwire with no experience, but since Keiji didn’t tell him to stop or sigh thirty times in annoyance, he considered it a success. After that, he did a quick check on Keiji’s plant and watered it for him.

Then came time to wait. Dishes had only taken up a few minutes. Aside from that Keiji’s apartment was clean and Bokuto hadn’t brought anything to do with him. He only had his phone and that would only keep him occupied for so long. Not that he really wanted to play with his phone the entre time he was there. If he played with his phone, then he’d text Kuroo. If he texted Kuroo, then Kuroo would know he was with Keiji. If Kuroo knew he was with Keiji then he’d ask questions and want to come over. If Kuroo came over, Keiji would be mad. If Keiji’s mad, then he’ll kick them out. If Keiji kicks them out, Bokuto loses this chance to figure out what’s wrong.

Long story short, Bokuto had to find something else to do instead of play with his phone. It was dangerous. Keiji was using his laptop for work, so it wasn’t like he could watch movies. The only other thing to do was read or sleep and there was no way Bokuto was going to miss out on potentially spending time with Keiji for sleep. That would be stupid. A catastrophic level mistake.

So, reading it was. Thankfully, Keiji had kept a few of his manga. Bokuto recognized the whole series of Erased, including the one Kuroo had gotten him for his birthday, had managed to keep its place in Keiji’s home. The owl dressed as a dinosaur as set beside it. Bokuto gives a soft smile.

_At least he’s keeping the important things._

He grabs volume one of Erased and gets started reading.

**. . .**

He’s just finishing up the fourth volume when he notices Keiji shut his laptop and stretch. Bokuto’s eyes drift over to his phone.

**1:21 AM**

_I can see why Keiji says he doesn’t have time for us._

“Done for the night?” Bokuto softly asks, causing Keiji to jump a little at the sound of his voice.

Keiji stares at him, looking like he was trying to remember where he was. “Yeah. It’s late.”

“Great! Need me to do anything?” Bokuto quickly re-shelves the book and hops up, energy renewed by the break in silence and Keiji’s acknowledgement.

Keiji stifles a yawn and stretches again. “Hit the lights?” He chunks his shirt off and crawls into bed.

Bokuto quickly hits the lights, strips, and crawls into bed next to Keiji. He wraps his arms around him and pulls him in for a kiss. Keiji melts into his embrace, kissing him back softly and snuggling against him.

“I’m impressed.”

Bokuto cocks his head to the side slightly confused.

“Why’s that?”

“You were so quiet I forgot you were here. I didn’t know you could do that.”

Bokuto can feel Keiji’s smirk pressing against his skin. _God_ , how he lived for these moments with Keiji. He didn’t know what he’d do if they ever stopped.

“Hey! I’m a man of many talents!” Bokuto fake pouts. He holds Keiji’s head against his neck and nuzzles him.

“I wasn’t aware.”

“So much sass tonight! Is the homework getting to be too much for you?”

“You could say that.”

Keiji mumbles against Bokuto’s skin already starting to drift off. It was late, but there was no way Keiji would be sleepy if he’d actually been napping earlier. Bokuto knew things weren’t fixed, but he hoped maybe they were a teensy bit better after tonight.

“You know I love you right? I’ll be by your side forever.”

Bokuto kisses Keiji again. Keiji gives a small tired groan but doesn’t say anything. He drifts off to sleep moments later.

“I love you so much. Please stop pushing me away.”

**. . .**

Bokuto doesn’t sleep a wink that night. People always thought he didn’t need sleep because he always had so much energy, but that was terribly wrong. It’s because he slept eight plus hours a night that he was able to be stupidly energetic. He was only human. He _needed_ his sleep.

He couldn’t sleep though. Keiji was in his arms but he felt like if he closed his eyes, he’d disappear. Keiji would slip away like silk and drift away in the night.

It was at least an hour past sunrise and Keiji’s alarm still hadn’t gone off. Bokuto needed to go to work and he knew Keiji had morning classes. He still felt so guilty about waking him up. He looked more at peace right now than he had all night.

“I love you so much.” Bokuto kisses as much of Keiji as he can reach. If he was going to wake him, he wanted to do it in the nicest way possible. No way he was just going to sneak out just because he had responsibilities. Keiji was more important right now.

Keiji gives a small groan and shifts closer to Bokuto in the bed, still hanging on to his dreams. Bokuto chuckles and kisses him more. He wraps his arm around Keiji, pulling him flush against his own body. Keiji’s hard and presses his hips against Bokuto slightly from feeling contact.

“Keiji, it’s time to get up for class.”

Keiji groans and curls into Bokuto more. “No.”

Bokuto snorts and runs his hand across Keiji’s back. “Yes. Time is an absolute fact.”

“Time is a social construct. It’s not real.”

“Even so, you still have class and I have work.”

“ _Nooo_ ” Keiji groans again.

“I’ll make you some breakfast while you shower. Maybe it’ll make the morning easier.”

“Not hungry.”

“Is there something else? Anything I can do to convince you to get up?” Bokuto plays with Keiji’s hair.

Keiji runs his hand to the waistband of his boxers and pulls himself from his boxers. “Touch me.”

“Are you using sex to distract me from making you get ready for school?”

Keiji strokes himself a few times and bites his lip. “Is it working?”

“Absolutely.”

Bokuto pushes Keiji on his back and finishes pulling off his boxers. He tosses them across the room, knocking the vase of dead flowers toward the wall.

“I’ll pick that up later!”

Bokuto laughs as the kisses down Keiji’s neck. Keiji’s still got his eyes squeezed shut like he’s trying to fall back asleep. Bokuto runs his hand down him softly, making sure to tickle Keiji as he goes. A forced laugh is better than no laugh. He grasps Keiji’s cock and stokes him softly while kissing his neck more.

“Keiji, Keiji, are you trying to sleep while I’m touching you?”

Keiji lets out a small groan and thrusts his hips into Bokuto’s hand more.

“This takes me back to the first time we ever slept together. Except I was the one trying to sleep, and you were the one keeping me up.”

Keiji snaps his eyes open, furious and embarrassed. Bokuto smirks back at him.

“I see you still fall for my provocations. Good morning, my love.” Bokuto leans in to give Keiji a kiss on the lips. “What would you like today?”

Keiji closes his eyes again but relaxes. He blindly runs a hand through Bokuto’s hair and down his back. “From behind?”

“Am I that ugly in the morning?”

Bokuto fake pouts before getting up to search for lube. He finds it in the usual drawer, which seems strangely emptier and more organized than before. Hiding his frown, he throws his own underwear off, and crawls back into bed before Keiji can fall back asleep.

Keiji’s already on his stomach with his ass up, fingering himself, eyes still closed and half asleep. Him still trying to sleep through sex aside, he was still a sight to see. Keiji was always beautiful, too beautiful even, it was what had first drawn Bokuto to him that day in the park. That and how peaceful he looked while sleeping. And, if we were pulling out the full list, Bokuto had felt a pull to Keiji before they’d officially met. Something about him was magnetic. They were tied together somehow. He couldn’t really explain it. He’d tried to once to Keiji, but Keiji clearly thought it was weird.

He couldn’t ignore that pull, that pull that was similar to his pull for Kuroo, so he let Hatsuharu off his leash knowing he’d run to the closest human being for more affection. Best “accident” he’d ever had.

But this, this was interesting. Past Keiji’s radiant beauty, Bokuto could see that Keiji was losing weight again. Even though he was eagerly fingering himself and suggested sex, he seemed a bit sad still.

Bokuto leans over to kiss Keiji’s back softly before lubing his fingers.

“Koutarou, I want you in me.”

“It’s been weeks, Keiji. I’ve gotta take it slow or it’s going to hurt.”

“No, now.”

“You’re demanding in the morning.”

“ _Koutarou_.”

“Okay.” Bokuto pops the lube back open and strokes himself with it. “Promise you’ll tell me if it hurts though. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Keiji hums and removes his fingers from his ass to start jerking himself off.

Bokuto gives a soft sigh before aligning himself and pressing against Keiji. Keiji presses back against him immediately, making Bokuto enter him. Bokuto gives a little grunt in surprise as Keiji continues to back up on Bokuto’s dick until he’s all the way in.

“Keeeiiijiii.” Bokuto whines, his hands finding Keiji’s hips. “If you do that after it’s been so long I’m going to come instantly.”

Keiji pulls forward and slams himself back on Bokuto’s dick, giving out a small whine.

_Stubborn as always._

Bokuto grips tighter on Keiji’s hips and starts slamming into him. Keiji claws at the bed sheets wildly while moaning. Bokuto can feel Keiji tighten around him shortly after they start. Bokuto’s not anywhere finished but he slows down so he can be gentler.

“Don’t slow down. I want you to keep going.”

Bokuto gulps, quickly losing the rest of his rational facilities. He slams into Keiji harder and more vigorously. Keiji moans out, clutching the bedsheets while simultaneously thrusting his hips back to meet Bokuto.

“K-Koutarou.”

Bokuto slams hard into him one last time before coming hard inside Keiji.

When he comes out of his orgasm, and sleep-deprived, daze, he pulls out of Keiji and collapses on the bed beside him. Keiji slid down so he’s completely laying on his stomach and his face is flat against the bed.

“Keiji! You can’t go back to sleep now!”

Bokuto chuckles and pulls Keiji over to him. Keiji tries to resist, but he’s not very strong and Bokuto’s perhaps too strong. He pulls Keiji in for a kiss but stops cold when he sees his face. There were tears on Keiji’s face. Keiji had been crying. Bokuto had made the love of his life _cry_. He’d _hurt_ him.

“Keiji! Oh my god, Keiji! Did I hurt you? I hurt you! I’m so sorry!” Bokuto sits up to stare at Keiji and beg for his forgiveness. To beg for Keiji to stay with him. To find some way to help Keiji feel better.

Keiji sits up and kisses him softly. “You didn’t hurt me Koutarou. You’d never hurt me. It was just a bit of dust, that’s all.” He kisses him again and runs a hand across Bokuto’s cheek.

“But-“

Keiji presses a finger to Bokuto’s lips. “I’m going to go shower real quick. You said something about breakfast?”

“Heck yes!” Bokuto jumps out of bed. “You deserve all the breakfast!”

Keiji covers his mouth and laughs. “Okay. I’ll be done in a bit.”

As soon as Keiji is out of sight, Bokuto sets to work starting breakfast. He’s not a great cook, he always got distracted too easily, so he just goes with rice and omelets. Feeding Keiji was the most important thing.

Food started, he remembers that he’s still naked. In his search for clothes, he also remembers throwing Keiji’s underwear and hitting the vase of flowers. He throws Keiji’s underwear in the hamper before grabbing the dead flowers. Since they’d been knocked over there were petals and leaves all over the bookcase and in-between it and the wall. Thankfully, the vase didn’t have much water left in it, so there wasn’t water everywhere.

He sets the vase inside the kitchen before scooching out the bookcase, so he can grab the dead leaves behind it. He grabs the leaves and notices one single piece of crunched up paper. He sets the handful of leaves on the bookcase and opens the paper to make sure he’s not about to throw away something important.

  1. Finish writing The Sky and Guilt



Bokuto cocks his head to the side a little.

_I wonder if that’s the top-secret writing he’s been doing? Weird title, though._

  1. Give everyone their possessions back



_Huh? He’s already trying to do that. Why does he want to do that? Is he going to move back in with his parents?_

  1. Break things off with Bokuto and Kuroo



Bokuto can’t breathe. His chest is tight, and he can’t believe what he’s reading. He wants to vomit. He does a little bit but swallows it. Gasping for air, he reads it again hoping maybe it’d change. Maybe he’d read it wrong. He did tend to go too fast sometimes.

  1. Break things off with Bokuto and Kuroo



_What? Why? What is this? This can’t happen!_

Before he can gather himself, he hears the bathroom door unlock and start to open. In a panic, he shoves the paper in his pocket and turns around pretending to pick up leaves.

“Something’s burning.”

“My eggs!”

**. . .**

Bokuto lay in bed later that night wide awake. He should be tired after not sleeping at all last night, but instead he held up the list he’d found and read it over and over again.

  1. Finish writing The Sky and Guilt
  2. Give everyone their possessions back
  3. Break things off with Bokuto and Kuroo
  4. Donate everything else
  5. Terminate lease
  6. Graduate
  7. Put the last of my savings in an account for my parents
  8. Go on my last trip



No matter how hard he thought about it, it didn’t make sense. It was like Keiji was planning to drop off the face of the Earth. He wanted to give everything away, cut ties with his boyfriends, leave his money, and then leave for some trip he’d been keeping secret.

It. Just. Didn’t. Make. Sense.

Bokuto frowned as he read over the note again. It was Keiji’s handwriting, so there was no pretending that someone else made that list. No matter how many times he’d read it, the words stayed the same.

He hadn’t told Kuroo about the list. He wasn’t sure if he was going to. Not yet, at least. Bokuto had to figure this out before he caused Kuroo extra worry. Maybe Bokuto was just making a big deal out of it. He was frequently told he was overdramatic.

“This list really does make it seem like he’s trying to vanish.” Bokuto mumbles to himself.

His eyes widen in terror at a sudden realization.

_No!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- “Aww!” Bokuto collapses on Keiji’s lap. “I guess school is important. Soon as you finish and get back from your trip, Kuroo and I are kidnapping you for months though!”  
> \- Keiji looks down at Bokuto with a sad smile. “I’ll look forward to it.”  
> Me @ me: oh, fuck you!
> 
> Talk to me about the importance of sleep sometime. I’ll tell you what’s up.
> 
> It's going to be a few weeks until I post chapter 20, but I might have it by the end of the month. After chapter 20 I'm going to take at least a month and a half so I can post multiple chapters at once. It'll be like a mini-hiatus that peppers you with gifts when it ends. I wasn't going to do a multi-chapter post, but I decided to not be an asshat. (i guess)
> 
> This is still a thing if anyone's interested: [In honor of hitting 1000 cumulative kudos I’m open to do writer and/or any asks on Tumblr if anyone’s interested!](https://oopsthisisqueertoo.tumblr.com/post/177442060184/fanfiction-writer-asks) No spoiler questions though!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *quits job and packs bag*
> 
> There’s gonna be a lot more POV switching for a while!
> 
> *announcer voice* This chapter brought to you by: Brand New's album Deja Entendu and the sound of my cat snoring!
> 
> TW: (re)mention of the suicide bo and kuroo saw when young and bo's rape.

Bokuto showing up unannounced was something Akaashi had anticipated happening from the start. He wasn’t someone you could keep away. He’d disregard boundaries if he felt something was wrong in his gut. Bokuto ran on instinct. Kuroo ran on science. Akaashi, well he, he ran on guilt and shame. Guilt he had for hurting the two people he loved most. Shame for his despicable existence that only caused those around him problems.

Still, seeing Bokuto _hurt_ Akaashi. He didn’t want to see him again, but at the same time, his soul yearned for him. Bokuto was always a beacon of happiness even when the world felt empty to him. He was trying to cut his boyfriends out of his life with one snip, but it’s like he’s cutting the rope, but it regenerates before he can sever the last strand. It’s frustrating but also very sweet, which makes it tear his soul even more. He was frustrated to no end between the joy Bokuto and Kuroo brought to him and the dead-end nightmare of his continued existence. Not that he could expect either of them to stay around forever. Eventually, they’d realize that he was shit and not worth their time. Not worth anyone’s time.

He’d spent the night on the verge of tears just thinking this might be the last time he gets to spend time with Bokuto. This might be the last time he gets to gaze into those eyes that set his soul on fire. The last time he’ll ever get to hear his laugh or the warmth of their skin touching. Hear him beg Akaashi for something silly while butchering his name. Or even enjoy a shitty movie together.

He couldn’t contain all the sorrow and ended up crying when they had sex. He could tell Bokuto didn’t believe the lie he’d told him, but he let it go anyway. That was always a nice thing about Bokuto, he was considerate.

He didn’t expect that sort of consideration from Kuroo. Not that Kuroo wasn’t considerate, he was and often in ways that were both sneaky and creepily foreseen, but he tended to be a bit less reserved in his interactions with Akaashi than Bokuto was. At least he was before they’d started dating. Since then, he’d calmed down with the shitty jokes and had been trepid toward Akaashi like he was on some sort of probation. That if he made a wrong move, Akaashi would revoke his openness to dating him.

That also _hurt_ Akaashi. He didn’t want Kuroo to be walking on eggshells. He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t have to. That was no way to live or love. Nobody deserved a life that made them uncomfortable, especially not someone as wonderful as Kuroo is.

But at the same time, he was glad for it. Kuroo was giving him an easy out. He was giving Akaashi an easy excuse to break up with them both: he tried the polyamory thing and didn’t like it, but he didn’t want to get in the way of their relationship. It made Akaashi sick at how easy it would be to throw his relationships overboard. How easy it would be to destroy everything. To finish destroying himself.

He’d cried again when Bokuto left that morning. Not just because he left for possibly the last time, but because Akaashi couldn’t bear being alone again with his thoughts. Because Akaashi knew it needed to be the last time yet he didn’t want it to be.

**. . .**

Bokuto and Kuroo lay on their backs in Bokuto’s bed. Bokuto’s got both his arms behind his head and is staring up at the ceiling deep in thought. They’d just had sex, but Bokuto’s mind still couldn’t relax. He hadn’t heard from Keiji since yesterday and the note he’d found was repeating itself incessantly in his head, getting louder and louder with each time he ran through it. He hadn’t told Kuroo yet. He wasn’t sure he even could. How do you tell someone that their boyfriend might be planning suicide? He still hadn’t fully wrapped his head around it even though things, little eccentrics’, were starting to make more sense.

There was also the matter of Keiji being Keiji. _Keiji_ _ran_. He was more elusive than mythical creatures when he wanted to be. Both of them showing up bawling their eyes out and attempting to host an intervention would be met with blank-faced lies and quiet reassurances. He’d humor them for a few days, _weeks maybe_ if he had the energy, just enough to get their guard down, and then go right back to his reclusive ways. There was the option of trying to get him forcibly taken to the hospital, but Keiji was smart enough to lie to doctors with a straight face and be released immediately. Then Keiji really would disappear. Having him committed would be the perfect excuse to sever all ties with them. Bokuto knew this. Bokuto knew Keiji intimately like that. Kuroo, he didn’t. Bokuto was afraid that if he shared this information with Kuroo that Kuroo would accidently do something to push Keiji away or tip him off that he’s been found out.

Bokuto couldn’t risk that. He wouldn’t.

He trusted Kuroo with his life, but he didn’t trust Kuroo with Keiji’s life. Not when Keiji was possibly one bad day from losing himself completely.

“Do you remember what happened when we were little?”

“Hm?”

“The boys at school.”

Kuroo rolls over in bed to study Bokuto’s face, but Bokuto continues to stare at the ceiling too wrapped up in reliving watching a boy slit his own throat in front of the whole class and then hearing another boy, the only friend of the first boy, had hung himself not even a day later. He couldn’t even remember their names now. _He couldn’t even remember their names_. He couldn’t even begin to explain how much pain that filled his heart with. Keiji’s situation – his was almost like death to Bokuto. He didn’t know how to deal with the pain it caused him just knowing, not to mention not knowing how to address it or help.

“I wonder what they were thinking. I wonder what it was like to feel that much pain that they decided they couldn’t bear it anymore. How they even got to that point. And what could’ve helped them? Who could’ve stopped them? If maybe someone smiled at them more or if we included them in more things maybe they’d still be here?”

Kuroo props himself up on his elbow and gives Bokuto an apprehensive look. “We can’t take blame for what happened then. We were kids. We weren’t bullying them. We didn’t know.”

“We should’ve known. We should’ve helped.”

“Koutarou,” Kuroo softly whispers making Bokuto turn his head toward him since he never uses his given name, “hindsight is 20/20. The fact is we didn’t know. No one knew. We were only eight. We didn’t even know what depression or suicide was back then.”

“I guess.”

“What’s making you think about that anyway? Are you feeling down? Do we need to set an appointment up with your therapist and psychiatrist?”

Bokuto hums and shakes his head. “No. It’s just been on my mind.”

**. . .**

Akaashi had anticipated Kuroo showing up the next day like Bokuto had suggested. He’d even made sure he showered and cleaned up his apartment, but it was getting late and there had been no random knock on Akaashi’s door or incessant calls and texts. He’d texted some in the group chat as usual, but no more than any other day.

He tried to do homework even though he stopped at every sound made in the apartment complex, hoping that the sounds would stop at his door. That the sounds where for him and Kuroo would show up to save him from himself. It was getting late in the evening already and he still hadn’t heard from either of them. If anything, they were quieter than usual. Neither of them had even texted in the group chat, which meant they were probably both together.

_We didn’t make plans together. You haven’t even spoken to him. You have no right to be upset if he doesn’t barge in just because Koutarou made some passing comment. Koutarou says a lot of things._

Keiji still finds himself looking toward the door.

By the time it’s past eight, he’s relocated himself to a few feet from the door, sitting on the floor, knees to chest, arms wrapped around knees, head leaning against the wall, and ears still straining to hear a knock on his door or the laughter of his boyfriend.

It’s stupid. He knows it’s stupid. If he wanted Kuroo to come over, he could just tell him. He could ask either of them to come over and they would, even if they were doing something. He can’t though. He can’t waste their time like that.

_They’re together right now. This is what you wanted. You can’t ruin that. Your plan is working. Don’t fuck this up for them._

He knocks his head against the wall a couple times before checking his phone again. Still nothing.

**. . .**

Kuroo’s in class, hand on chin partially hiding the intense frown that hadn’t gone away since last night, giving his professor a death stare and tapping his pen furiously against the table. Bo bringing up the boys from school suicides was bothering him a lot more than he’d let on to Bo. It was horrific by any standard, but Bo was empathetic to a fault and it stayed with him longer than most of the class. It had been the reason he started spending more time at home instead of school and had to start medication because he was getting down himself. It was the reason why his mother’s death hit him especially hard. It’s why she didn’t let Bo be there when she was close to dying. She knew it’d only hurt him more. Bo hated her a bit for that, but Kuroo had always been thankful, especially the unforeseen events that transpired shortly after. Kuroo still wanted to continue bashing that guy’s, _that rapist’s_ , head against the tile walls of the locker room.

“Kuroo-san? Kuroo-san? Are you with us?”

Kuroo sighs and sets his pen down. “Honestly, no.”

“If there’s something more important than class then maybe you should leave.”

It’s his professors passive-aggressive way of saying he’s annoyed because Kuroo’s not giving him his undivided attention like a “good student”. He doesn’t care. Bo’s well-being was more important than class. He could retake a class if he failed. If he failed his boyfriend, well, he didn’t want to think about that. He just couldn’t do anything about it right now since Bo was at work and it frustrated him more. Kuroo needed to see Bokuto right now. He needed to hear him smile and laugh like a goober or tell him some owl fact.

He nods and quietly packs his things before leaving without another word. His professor would be pissed with him, but Kuroo didn’t owe him an explanation. He walks around campus, hands in pocket and fuming. It was at times like this he was glad that Bo and his Starshine didn’t go to the same university. It gave him a place to think.

Bo was hiding things from him, Starshine was hiding even more, and Kuroo just felt lost. They were supposed to be there for each other. They were supposed to be each other’s pillars of support, but they couldn’t do that if there wasn’t open honesty.

He especially hated it when Bo hid things from him. They knew everything about each other. Everything. Almost in real-time the way Bo texts him sometimes. There was no reason to hide things. They’d both seen the best and the absolute worst from each other. They’d made love, they’d screamed and fist-fought each other, they’d cried in each other’s arms, they’d discussed their love lives, they’d gone their separate ways, they’d told each other their insecurities and dreams. They knew _everything_ about each other. Like Keiji said, they have entire conversations just by twitches of their faces.

Keiji was another thing eating at Kuroo’s very core. It was worrying for Bo to be hiding things, but it was downright terrifying the way Keiji was acting. He was avoiding Kuroo. Kuroo knew this and it hurt so much, but he was trying to make himself okay with it. Their relationship was new and there was a lot going on. There were only two months before the semester ended and he knew Keiji was stressed about having to go work for his parents. Going from a lifetime of school to work would also be a big life change that some have a hard time adjusting to anyway. Not to mention, he was probably busy planning his after-graduation trip. He still found it weird that Keiji hadn’t mentioned that little bit of information, but hey, Bo still hadn’t told him about working for the university or showed Keiji his home, so he guessed everyone had their secrets. His was that he feared he’d lose both of his boyfriends because they liked each other more than they liked him. Bo was strangely possessive of Keiji and Keiji avoided him. It wasn’t actually a secret, but the feeling of dread surrounding it, the intensity of it, was. Only Kenma had picked up on just how bad it was. If Keiji would spend time around him, he wasn’t sure that he’d be able to hide it from him either.

He knew that the night before Bo had gone to see Keiji. Neither of them said anything, but it was always obvious who was doing what when they were in constant communication and then suddenly there was radio silence. He knew Bo was worried about Keiji, more than he tried to let on to Kuroo, but that he didn’t tell him only amped up Kuroo’s own insecurities in the relationship. He considered trying to see if Keiji would see him on his own, it’d been since they returned from their trip since they’d spent time together, but he didn’t know if he had the right. Keiji had always seemed to hate Kuroo until recently. He didn’t want to fuck up and accidently slip back into the hatred zone. He couldn’t take it if that happened.

Personal worries aside, he still felt like he needed to see Keiji. This seclusion reminded him of in the summer when Keiji cut off communication from everyone. That’s what had pushed Keiji into dating Bo, so in a way it turned out okay, but he’d also come out of his seclusion much thinner and somber. Kuroo still didn’t know why he was avoiding everyone then. He wanted to ask about it, but he knew Bo wouldn’t tell him. No way Keiji would. Oikawa and Iwaizumi had been there apparently, but Iwaizumi might kill Oikawa if he tells other people secrets. Kuroo was just stuck. He was an outsider to both his boyfriends still and Bo hiding seeing Keiji only cemented this more. Kuroo was known for his level-headedness, but this was pushing even him to the brink of a frustrated rage. Maybe he would talk to Kenma about it. They always knew best.

He didn’t know what to do on his own.

He found himself on the train heading past home and toward Bo and Keiji’s campus. He almost tells himself to go back to class or go home, but he can’t. If he can’t see Keiji, he can at least wait around until lunch and grab lunch with Bo. He’s not going to berate him with questions right now, though. Just seeing him will help. It’d help a lot more if he could see Keiji too, but the chances of that were slim.

Kuroo always loved walking around their campus. It was always so green even in the winter and the little river that ran through it made it like its own little community. It helped that he knew Bo had done some of the landscaping, beautifying the campus with plants he knew would live for a long time and grow well together. It’d been awhile since Kuroo had visited the greenhouse on campus, or Bo’s community garden for that matter, and he was looking forward to Bo showing him how much some of his plants had grown or what was in bloom now.

“Kuroo?”

“Hm?” Kuroo turns, being so lost in his own daydream that he had forgotten what campus he was on. He only heard his name and not who had called him. “Starshine!” He yells giddily before closing the gap between them and hugging Keiji without thinking.

Keiji gives him a soft hug back, seeming to enjoy Kuroo’s closeness. Since they’re on campus, Kuroo breaks apart quicker than he’d like, although, forever would be too soon.

“What are you doing on campus, Kuroo?”

“Oh. Um?” Kuroo looks off to the sky. He hadn’t thought that far. He didn’t think he’d see Keiji, more less run into him. He couldn’t say he was here to see Bo. That wasn’t his secret to tell. “Uh. You know. Just wanted to skip class and wander around. Ended up here. Didn’t think I’d see you though, so it was a great idea.” He gives one of his smug grins, trying to make it seem like a coincidence.

Keiji stares at him with a flat look, not believing him for a second.

“So, uh. Do you have class right now?” Kuroo continues trying to steer the conversation elsewhere.

“Yes, but-“ The bell sounding the hour starts to ring and Keiji gives a sigh. “I’m officially late and that professor locks the door. I won’t have another class until two.”

“I’m sor-“

Keiji holds a hand up to stop him. “That class is on the other side of campus. There’s no way I would’ve made it. It’s not your fault.”

“Oh. Still.” Kuroo gives a small pout. Keiji is treating him like he used to: putting up with his existence. “Did you want to get lunch with me? It’s cool if you rather stu-“

Keiji turns away from Kuroo and away from the university causing Kuroo to stop mid-sentence, his heart trying to jump through his throat and follow Keiji so he couldn’t abandon Kuroo. He takes a few staggered steps to follow him, but feels his body starting to shut down and switch to panic attack mode as he watches Keiji’s back slowly starting to walk away.

Keiji stops when he notices Kuroo isn’t following him and does a half turn. “Is the usual curry place okay? I’m not getting that stupidly hot curry this time. I refuse.”

Kuroo lets out a choked laugh. “Me either. Since Bo’s not here, we can eat like normal people.”

“Good.”

Keiji turns walking back toward the curry place and Kuroo sighs in relief before briskly catching up to him.

“If we have time, we can go back to my apartment before I have to go back to class since it seems like you’re skipping today.”

“Ohohoho? An invitation to your place? You have missed me.” Kuroo coos out before he can stop himself, immediately regretting it a little.

Keiji gives him a sideways glance but doesn’t refute him. Feeling bold, Kuroo links their hands and starts chatting away about anything his brain can come up with.

_Sorry for not inviting you, Bo. I need this right now._

**. . .**

The curry place is packed. Maybe it’s just because it’s cold, but Kuroo is thanking every god he can think of as they wait. He’s considering thanking some of the other patrons and trying to convince them to order more food or be needier, but he’s pretty sure Keiji will smack him if he does that. Instead, his goal is to eat slow, talk a lot, and then cling to Keiji when they go back to his place.

But it’s awkward talking to Keiji after he’s been avoiding Kuroo for so long. Not that he’d ever been the most talkative person, more than Kenma, sure, but less than average. Non-existent even compared to that loud-mouth Bo who can keep going for hours without you responding.

“How’s your semester going? Only two more months and you’ll be a free man.”

Keiji was in the process of lifting his spoon up to his mouth, but hearing this, his face twitches a few times before he gets it back under control to his normal stoic expression, and he lowers his spoon back to the plate. “I’ll be happy for it to end. I’d like to not eat and breath textbooks anymore.”

“Oh yeah. Guess you’re not a big of masochist as I am.” Kuroo gives a chuckle. “You excited for your vacation too? Finally decide on where you’re going?”

Keiji’s face looks pained for half a second before he gives a small smile. “I am. I’m going to Finland.”

“Finland?” Kuroo’s eyebrows raise. Finland doesn’t sound like a Keiji kind of place. Somewhere with lots of books and history instead of nature. “Sounds cold.”

“It is, but you can see the Northern Lights from there. The forests are supposed to be beautiful.”

“And the Finnish love coffee too, right?”

Keiji gives another soft smile while he stares at his plate. He had been avoiding eye contact with Kuroo for most of the meal, but he didn’t seem to want to avoid him.

“Yes. Supposed to be some of the best coffee in the world.”

“Have, uh. Have you considered what you’re doing after?”

Keiji gives a sigh and pushes his plate away from him. It’s only half-eaten.

“My father still wants me to take over the business, but I’m not so sure.”

“You know you don’t have to, right? You can stay with me or Bo until you figure it out if you need to. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want.”

Keiji stares out toward the street, seemingly not listening to Kuroo now. His body is there, but he’s more distant than ever before. Even when Keiji hated his existence, he was closer. Now, now it’s like he’s in the astral plane waiting for something that will never come.

Kuroo reaches across the table and grabs Keiji’s hand, startling him.

“Hey. Don’t worry about it right now. You’ll decide when the time comes.”

“You’re right.” Keiji gives him a brief look before looking back toward the window. “I’m done here whenever you are.”

**. . .**

Kuroo notices immediately that Keiji’s apartment is cleaner and more barren than usual. He also notices that there’s fresh flowers sitting on the bookcase. He was right, Bo had been here.

“Did you want some tea?”

Keiji’s got that soft, almost formal, but also _too_ calm voice. That voice people have when they’re forced to play hostess after losing a loved one.

“Sure.” Kuroo gives a grin. “What did you want to do until you have class?”

“Koutarou was right. You do have worse pick-up lines than him.”

Kuroo can see Keiji smirking as he gets water for the tea.

He gives a scoff. “But, my darling Starshine, that wasn’t even me hitting on you. I was just trying to be considerate of your precious time. If that’s where your mind is though, my body is more than willing.” He gives a dramatic wink when Keiji turns to give him a flat look.

Keiji snorts and sets the electric kettle down. He walks over to Kuroo and presses his body against his before giving him a slow kiss. Kuroo immediately wraps his arms around Keiji’s waist and kisses him back eagerly. Even though Keiji’s kissing him, he feels like he’s about to lose him. He knows goodbye kisses. This was one of them.

Keiji pulls away from him at the sound of the kettle whistling. “Hard already, Kuroo?”

“It’s been forever.” Kuroo whines.

Keiji lifts an eyebrow at him and pours the water. “You were with Koutarou last night.”

“What makes you think that?”

Keiji gives him a flat look and passes Kuroo his tea. “My phone stopped blowing up when you two were done with your day.”

“So you do pay attention to our group chat.”

“Sometimes.” Keiji passes him and goes to sit in the main room. “But mostly when there’s cute owl and dog pictures.”

Kuroo gives a pout and sits beside him. “I see who your favorite is.”

“Cute animals.”

“But I am a cute animal!” Kuroo rubs his face against Keiji’s shoulder and fakes a purr.

“Finally, an explanation for that untamable hair.”

“Ah. The snark just keeps coming. Is this your way of saying you miss me? Is this our thing?”

Keiji leans against Kuroo. “Sure.”

Kuroo wraps an arm around Keiji and they stare out the sliding glass door. “Are you mad at me?”

Keiji jolts a little but doesn’t move away from him. “Should I be?”

“No. I just. I feel like you’re avoiding me. I didn’t know if I did something or if you were rethinking dating me or something like that.”

Keiji gives a hum and knocks his head gently against Kuroo’s neck. “You think too much. I’ve just been busy.”

“Keiji, I haven’t seen you for a month. I barely hear from you.” Kuroo bites his lip and looks over to Keiji, but he can’t see his face from this position. “You’ve seen Bo, but you haven’t seen me. What am I supposed to think? I’m not mad, I’m just worried.”

Keiji’s body goes rigid for a moment before he visibly relaxes. “Koutarou forced himself in the day before yesterday. That’s the only time I’ve seen him. I did homework for most of the night. Honestly, I figured you’d do the same after he told you.”

Kuroo replies softly. “He didn’t tell me. And I didn’t know I could.”

“I don’t prefer being ambushed, but I understand it can be frustrating with me being so busy.” Keiji hums for a moment. “I wonder why Koutarou didn’t tell you, though. Seems selfish.”

Kuroo gives a snort. “I know, right? I think he loves you more than me.”

Keiji’s body stiffens again but doesn’t relax this time. “That’s impossible. You have a whole lifetime together.”

It was just a joke, but Keiji’s response, the certainty, the serious ambiguity of it, gives Kuroo a weird feeling. He’s not sure what it is, but since Keiji’s here and he’s spending time with Kuroo, he thinks that maybe he is overthinking.

“I’m thinking about a nap, Kuroo. Would you like to join me?”

“I’d never turn down the chance to be in the same bed as you.”

“Didn’t think so.” Keiji stands and starts stripping off his shirt.

“But do you have time for a nap? I thought you said you have class at two?”

Keiji kicks his pants off. “Not going.”

“But-“

Keiji straightens up only wearing his underwear now. “You rather I go back to class instead of spend time with you?”

“No-“

That’s all Kuroo gets out before Keiji slides his underwear off and gets into bed.

_He’s like a goddamn siren._

Kuroo huffs before stripping and following him to bed. He’d probably follow Keiji anywhere. He might just have to take a loan out and follow him to Finland. Maybe if they accidently bump into each other there, Keiji would be willing to spend time with him. Probably not. He’d probably call him a stalker, but Kuroo could dream.

Keiji curls up against him as soon as he gets settled under the covers and wraps his arms around him.

“’m cold. Reminds me of when they power was out in Osaka. You were hard then for no reason too.”

“I was not!”

“Were too.”

“I was not hard then. And I’m not hard for no reason now. You’re naked and clinging on to me.”

Keiji gives a laugh before running his hand from Kuroo’s side down to his cock and stroking him.

Kuroo quirks an eyebrow. He was grateful for Keiji touching him but didn’t understand why he would want to have sex immediately after avoiding him for a month. “Starshine?”

Keiji looks at him and gives a pout. “You don’t want to?”

_Scratch that. He’s a succubus._

“I love any physical affection you’d ever want to give me, but don’t have to. I’m okay with just cuddling.”

Keiji raises his eyebrows at him before pulling his hand away and wrapping it back around Kuroo’s waist. “Surprising for you.”

“Hey! I’m not just a horny pervert!”

“I know you’re not.” Keiji smirks before kissing him.

**. . .**

Akaashi wakes up to Kuroo’s extreme snuggling. He was clinging to Akaashi for life like he typically did after sex even though Kuroo had rejected his advances. He hadn’t really wanted to have sex. Not for the physical need, at least. He wanted to make Kuroo’s time with him better. And maybe feel bonded to him for what could be the last time.

Seeing Kuroo at university had taken him by complete surprise but he couldn’t help himself from calling out to him even though Kuroo looked like he was angry and in another world at the time. He can’t think of a reason why Kuroo would be on campus except for to see him, but Kuroo did seem genuinely surprised. Maybe he’d just ended up there on accident?

Akaashi studies Kuroo’s features while he sleeps. His eyebrows are still furrowed and he’s clinging so hard it hurts a bit. Both of his boyfriends were fierce when cuddling but never to the point of pain. Kuroo’s hands were twitching and he was mumbling something in his sleep that Akaashi couldn’t make out. He runs a hand down Kuroo’s back in attempt to sooth him but as soon as he does Kuroo twitches and his eyes start to flutter open.

“Hey. Having a bad dream?”

Kuroo stares at him groggily before pulling Akaashi back closer since his grip had slacked when he woke up. He’s hugging Akaashi fiercely like a young child would a parent after a nightmare. He runs his hand over Kuroo’s back in an effort to do something to help calm him. He’s never seen him so openly fearful like this.

“That bad, huh? It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m here.” Akaashi coos and Kuroo starts to shake at his words, making him freak out more. “Hey. You want to tell me about it? Will that help?”

Kuroo buries his face into Akaashi’s neck. There’s a wetness there, but Akaashi’s not sure if it’s sweat from the nightmare or tears.

“I dreamed you were gone.”

Akaashi feels his chest lurch out of his body and bile rising in his throat.

“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” He moves his hand, so he can run his fingers through Kuroo’s hair. “It was just a dream. It’s okay.” He kisses Kuroo’s forehead where he can reach.

“Sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Kuroo hums and pulls his head from the crook of Akaashi’s neck so he can kiss him. “Now that we’ve napped, how about I take you up on your earlier offer?” He smirks and raises an eyebrow suggestively.

“Hmm.” Akaashi taps his chin with one finger and smirks back. “Sorry, that was a limited time promotional offer and unfortunately it’s not available anymore.”

“What!” Kuroo squawks before pouncing on top of Akaashi and kissing him down his body and blowing raspberries as he goes, making Akaashi giggle out. When he gets to Akaashi’s pelvis he pauses and runs a finger over Akaashi’s scar before coming back up to eye level. “What happened there?”

With as straight a face as he can muster Akaashi tries to lie to him. “Just an accident.”

“What kind of accident? None of your other scars look like that.” Kuroo frowns.

“I was horsing around with my friends one day and I ran into a sharp piece of metal on the playground.”

Kuroo gives him a flat look and rolls his tongue around in his mouth. “You? Horsing around?”

“I was a child once too.”

“Hmm. Nah. You were born thirty and have aged normally since then.”

“What I hear is you like sharing a bed with someone who’s almost fifty.”

“I don’t like it.” Kuroo grins and cups Akaashi’s face. “I love it.”

**. . .**

Bokuto sits at his dining room table staring at the list with both hands clasped in his hair.

_I’ve got to make him change his mind. I’ll show him all the good things in life. I’ll make sure he’s never sad again and he’ll change his mind. I’ve only got two months to work with. I have to work fast._

**. . .**

Seeing Kuroo hadn’t been as painful as it was to see Bokuto. Akaashi wasn’t sure why but thought it may have been because seeing Bokuto was nice and it made him miss Kuroo. Strangely, Kuroo didn’t seem to be as worried about him as Bokuto had been. It was nice to not be questioned, but still weird since Kuroo seemed to pick things up easier than Bokuto ever did.

_End of semester must be hitting him hard too. Or he and Koutarou are arguing._

Akaashi muses while reading one of the many forgotten manga he owned that was uncovered while cleaning. His phone had stopped blowing up a bit ago and he figured Bokuto and Kuroo were together. After seeing both of them after so long, he wanted to see them both together, but was at peace with them spending time with each other. It’s what he wanted, after all.

No sooner than he finishes that though, there’s a knock at his door. He frowns, expecting the neighborhood circular or a neighbor needing something. As soon as he opens the door, he’s attacked by a pair of beefy arms.

“Keiji!” Bokuto shouts loud enough for the floor above and below to hear.

Kuroo’s behind him carrying a bag of food. “Hey, Starshine.”

Akaashi gives a sigh before trying to unlatch himself from Bokuto. “You could’ve told me you were coming.”

“Nope!” Bokuto pipes up, still not letting go of Akaashi and slowly walking both of them inside. “If we told you then you might’ve said no.”

“I could still tell you to get out now.”

“But Keiji! It’s harder to say no to our adorable faces!” Bokuto looks up from where he’s attached to Akaashi, so he can smile at him.

Kuroo laughs at Bokuto and follows them in, closing the door behind them. “That’s his tactic. _Mine_ is to make you food.” He takes his shoes off and gives Akaashi a quick peck on the cheek before going to the kitchen to get started on dinner.

Bokuto is still latched on to Akaashi just staring up at him.

“Koutarou, what are you doing?”

“Admiring you.”

“Uh huh. Are you going to let go anytime soon?”

“Nope!”

Akaashi gives a sigh. “Fine. Carry me back to the main room so I don’t fall on anything.”

“Can do!” Bokuto lifts Akaashi effortlessly and takes him back to the table where Akaashi had been reading, setting him back on his feet carefully. “You’re reading manga?”

Akaashi hums before sitting back down. “I was tired of studying and I’d found this when I cleaned. It’s been years since I’ve read it.”

“Is it any good?”

“Very. The first volume is over there if you want to read it as well.” He points over to his bookshelf.

“O-kay~” Bokuto sings before crawling over to grab it. He eyes Akaashi’s plant when he gets over there. He snatches it up and carries it to the kitchen. “Keiji I don’t know how you keep this plant alive when I’m not here!”

“That’s what I have you for.” Akaashi calls after him, not bothering to look up from his book.

He hears Bokuto give Kuroo a kiss since he was in the kitchen before returning with the succulent. Akaashi finishes his book moments later, already having been at the end before he was ambushed. He stretches and looks around trying to gather his bearings again. Bokuto is fully invested in the book and Kuroo’s still in the kitchen. He goes to sit at the bar to watch him.

“What are you cooking?”

“Just some hamburg steak and the usual sides.” He looks over and gives Akaashi a grin. “That okay?”

“I don’t complain about food I didn’t have to make. Did you need any help?”

“You’re not going to spend time with Bo?”

“He’s intently reading.”

Kuroo’s brows furrow and he gives Akaashi a quizzical look.

“It’s manga.”

“Oh. That makes much more sense.” He chuckles lightly to himself. “I don’t need any help, but you’re welcome to if you like.”

“I’ll help. I’d like to ensure at least the rice is edible.”

“Aargh. Your words, they cut me.”

“But you’re not denying it.” Akaashi smirks and turns on the speaker so they can listen to music while they cook.

**. . .**

Bokuto demands they watch _Crazy, Stupid Love_ while they eat dinner.

“It’s great! It’s a feel-good love story! You’re both going to love it!” He exclaims while vibrating in spot and pulling it up.

Akaashi and Kuroo shoot each other a weary glance, knowing full-well Bokuto’s usual choice in movies. They loved him though and would put up with the occasional shit movie. If they went for another movie tonight, he wasn’t allowed to pick.

The movie turns out to be amazing. Which was utterly terrifying. When it ended Akaashi and Kuroo ended up staring at each other having silent conversations with each other trying to figure out why that movie was amazing but the rest of them were shit.

“Bro. Have you been holding out of me my whole life? Do you actually know what movies are good and just pick terrible ones for the fun of it?”

“What are you talking about? I pick great movies!”

Kuroo gives him a face that looks like he’s in pain.

Bokuto turns to Akaashi instead. “Keiji! You like my movies, right?”

Akaashi quickly turns his head to face the wall.

“ _Guuuyyyys_.” Bokuto whines. “This is bullying.”

“You’ve been bullying us with your shit taste in movies.” Kuroo mumbles under his breath. “I mean, _Rubber_? Really?”

Still staring at the wall, Akaashi snorts and tries to hold in his laughter, quickly covering his mouth and trying not to let his shoulders shake too much.

Bokuto’s face starts to scrunch up like a petulant five-year-old who didn’t get their way and is about to scream for mommy or daddy to fix it.

“I’m sorry, Koutarou. While sometimes your movie choice is questionable, you do pick a lot of good movies as well.”

“Thanks, Keiji!” Bokuto gives that wide grin and wraps Akaashi in another rib-crushing embrace. “Hey! Have you thought about all three of us doing something together this weekend?”

“I don’t know if I can. I’ve already hosted you two three times this week.” Akaashi frowns. He wasn’t supposed to be seeing either of them.

“Please? Please Keiji? Pleasepleaseplease?” Bokuto clasps both hands together and pouts to Akaashi using those puppy-dog eyes he’s mastered.

Akaashi gives a sigh. “I will consider it.”

“You will?” Kuroo asks with a bit more enthusiasm than he probably intended to let show. “I think it’d be a nice break. We haven’t all gotten to do something together in” he bites his lip briefly before quietly adding, “a while”.

He doesn’t say it to hurt Akaashi. He’s just speaking truths. It still brings Akaashi’s guilt forward. He knows he’s been doing wrong. He knows he’s been hurting both of them.

“Yeah, Keiji! A break will be good for both of you! Don’t want you to catch the studying blues!”

“”There’s no such thing.”’

Akaashi and Kuroo look at each other before laughing. Bokuto pretends to pout but ends up smiling anyway.

“Did you have something in mind, Koutarou?”

“Depends.” Bokuto gives a maniacal grin. “Do we get you for one day or two?”

Akaashi pretends to do some mental math, trying to decipher out how much homework he has as if he actually cares. He’s been doing some work, so he can graduate, but his grades are slipping. He doesn’t care anymore. It’s honestly been a very freeing experience for him. Nothing really matters, so there’s no consequences. No disapproving looks or talks about how he’s disgracing the family name.

“I think I can manage two.”

“Woo hoo!” Bokuto pumps both fists into the air.

Kuroo crawls a bit closer to him, studying his face. “Really?”

Akaashi gives a hum and nods once. Kuroo pounces on him, pushing him onto the floor, and clings to him in joy.

“You’ve been spending too much time around Koutarou. You’re getting more and more clingy just like him.”

Kuroo nuzzles his face on Akaashi. “Nope! Just delighted!”

“Yaas!” Bokuto joins them on the ground and wraps his arms around both of them. “This is going to be great! You two don’t worry about a thing! I’m going to plan and pay for everything!”

Akaashi and Kuroo give each other an uneasy look again before both looking at Bokuto and smirking.

“We’ll be looking forward to it.”

**. . .**

When Akaashi hears a knock on his door the next day, he’s thoroughly confused. He’d already seen both of his boyfriends twice this week and he had plans to spend two days with them this weekend. He hadn’t agreed to either of them coming over and neither of them had asked or even mentioned it. Realistically, it could be someone else, but he’s pretty sure he knows that loud knock. He’s sure he’d recognize it in his sleep.

As soon as he opens the door flowers and a bakery box gets shoved in his face.

“I brought cake!” Bokuto cheers as he shuffles around Akaashi to come in.

“I can see that, but what are you doing here?”

“I wanted to share cake with you! And flowers! I’ve got some tea too that’s supposed to pair great with the cake!”

_Koutarou’s pairing tea and cake?_

Akaashi’s face contorts in confusion before he gives a sigh and follows Bokuto back into his apartment. “That’s not a real explanation, Koutarou. I thought we discussed you at least letting me know if you were going to come over.”

“You can pretend I’m not even here. A magic cake fairy brought you a snack.” He waves his arms in the air like noodles before starting to search for a vase for the flowers.

“If a magical cake fairy brought it, then I guess I don’t need to share it with them.”

“Urk! Keiiijjjiiiii!” Bokuto juts his lower lip out in a pout. “Please share.”

Akaashi looks around the apartment as if he doesn’t see Bokuto. “I think it’s time to move. I hear a ghost. Or a yokai.”

Bokuto lets out a low whine in protest. Akaashi silently laughs at him before grabbing two forks, kissing him on the cheek, and walking to the main room with the cake.

Bokuto doesn’t leave after cake. Not that Akaashi actually expected him to. Bokuto barely leaves when he comes over. If anything, he’d end up living there if Akaashi didn’t kick him out. He lets Akaashi do his homework and plays on his phone with headphones or reads. He ends up getting sleepy and falling asleep in Akaashi’s bed without asking if Akaashi minded.

_He’s going to be harder to shake than I thought._

**. . .**

There’s a knock on his door the next night too. Akaashi was mindlessly scrolling through the internet when he heard it. He smacks his forehead with his hand and sits there hoping Bokuto would go away.

_We have plans to meet tomorrow and spend the weekend together. Why is he here again today unannounced and uninvited?_

There’s another knock and all Akaashi can do is sigh. This isn’t like before they were dating and Akaashi was avoiding people. Back then Bokuto would’ve been too worried to consistently bother Akaashi like this. He’d grown bold in the months they’d been dating. He wouldn’t go away unless he _knew_ Akaashi wasn’t home and the chances of that were almost nonexistent.

Akaashi opens the door with a flat look. “Do we need to discuss boundaries Koutarou?”

Bokuto holds a cute owl plushie in front of his face and dons a fake voice. “This isn’t Koutarou. I’m an owl. I brought some beef stew.”

“An owl bringing stew? Kind of weird, but okay.”

Bokuto ends up staying after that, not making a peep while Akaashi attempts to finish his last bits of homework before their weekend trip. Him being silent for so long felt ominous almost like some sort of curse.

“Is Kuroo busy this week?” Akaashi asks without looking up from his work.

“Hm?” Bokuto’s lying on his back on the floor reading another one of Akaashi’s manga. He’d almost finished all the ones Akaashi had kept. “Not any more than usual.”

Akaashi gives a frown. “Are you two fighting?”

“No. Don’t think so.”

“Then why have you been here almost every night this week?”

Bokuto shifts over to his stomach so he can see Akaashi. “Cause I’ve missed you!”

“I’ve missed you too, but don’t you think spending all your time with me is a bit unfair to Kuroo?”

“Hmm. Nope!”

“Seems like favoritism to me.” Akaashi grumbles.

“I spent all month with Kuroo. A few days alone with you won’t hurt anything.”

“It’s still unfair to Kuroo because I’m not spending time with him.”

“Want me to invite him to sleep over too?”

“You’re staying the night?” Akaashi raises an eyebrow.

“Well, yeah. Unless you mind?”

“It’s fine. Tell Kuroo he can come over too then.”

“Yaaay~!”

**. . .**

Bokuto ends up waking them up stupidly early the next day. Akaashi turns his back to Bokuto and curls up more to Kuroo who’s already clutching on to him for dear life.

“What is he doing? Does he not know I’m not a morning person?” Akaashi grumbles into Kuroo’s skin, trying to hide from Bokuto’s pure sunshine and cheer that was blinding even though his eyes were still closed.

“He’s not human. He forgets that most humans have a hard time getting out of bed.”

“Hey! I’m human too! I sleep my eight hours and get out of bed the first time my alarm goes off!”

“Sounds fake, but okay.” Akaashi snuggles into Kuroo more, starting to drift back off into sleep.

“Come on guys.” Bokuto whines. “Let’s go. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”

“Kuroo, you used to live with this monster, correct?”

“Yeah.”

“How’d you get him to let you sleep?”

“Suck his dick and send him on his way.”

Akaashi gives Kuroo a few sleepy pats. “You know what to do then.”

“Can’t for another couple weeks. It’ll have to be you.”

Akaashi does a dramatic grumble and pretends to be asleep. He’s not looking, but he can feel the pout radiating off Bokuto.

“He’s going to explode soon, isn’t he?”

Kuroo peeks an eye open and lifts a hand out to Bokuto. “We’ll just kidding. We’ll be up soon.”

“Speak for yourself.” Akaashi grumbles.

Bokuto gives another whine and the sound of him fidgeting can be heard throughout the entire apartment.

Kuroo gives a yawn and sits up, disturbing Akaashi’s position. “If we get this one some coffee, he’ll be more willing to get out of bed.”

“Already got it!” Bokuto chirps before loudly running toward the kitchen. He comes back and passes Kuroo coffee. The smell wafts toward Akaashi and his mouth starts to water, craving the addictive caffeine. “There’s donuts too!”

Akaashi gives a groan and rolls to his back. He slowly pries his eyes open and faces Bokuto. Bokuto leans over and gives him a good morning kiss and then gives Kuroo one as well. He holds a large cup of coffee toward Akaashi, giving him incentive to sit up instead of trying to fall back asleep on his back.

Akaashi takes a sip and groans. “I’m going to need about three more of these for this time in the morning.”

“I have one more for both of you, but you can’t have them until you’re showered and dressed.”

“When did you become a sadist?” Akaashi grumbles before taking another sip of coffee.

**. . .**

Bokuto takes them to Disneyland. It’s off season. It’s cold as fuck. He takes them to Disneyland anyway.  He says it’s the happiest place on Earth, so they needed to go. Since it is off season, it’s not crowded and they’re free to be as affectionate with each other as they want without having to deal with weird stares.

Despite the cold, Akaashi’s having a good time. Only one teensy thing was bothering him. Bokuto was by his side constantly. Of course, he was on the trip with Bokuto and Kuroo. He was supposed to be spending time with them. He enjoyed spending time with them. But Bokuto was on another level of clinginess. Akaashi couldn’t go anywhere without him being more than a foot away. If he wanted to step inside a gift shop, Bokuto was there. If he wanted to go get ice for their room, Bokuto would go with him. Akaashi was pretty sure that Bokuto would try to go to the bathroom with him if he knew Akaashi wouldn’t yell at him. It got so bad that even Kuroo was starting to give Bokuto wary looks.

Kuroo was with them the entire time too, but he wasn’t strictly beside or touching Akaashi the entire time. He’d go check out things they passed or go buy something in the hotel alone. He acted like a normal adult, not like a parent with their first child who needed to helicopter parent or who’d read twelve too many child kidnapping stories.

Akaashi tried to push the nagging sensation away that Bokuto was being entirely too clingy away. He tried to convince himself that Bokuto really had just missed him too much. That he needed a vacation and was trying to make the most of it.

He was still annoying Akaashi though. He didn’t like feeling like he was constantly being watched or taken care of. If he so much looked at something, Bokuto was there asking if he wanted it or if he wanted to look at it or ride it. Akaashi was a patient man, but by the end of the trip, his patience was nonexistent. He wanted to yell at Bokuto and tell him to go away, but dealing with him pouting was worse than the clinginess.

When they got back home, Kuroo and Akaashi said their goodbyes before Kuroo headed home since he had class tomorrow. Bokuto, on the other hand, insisted on walking Akaashi to his apartment. Then coming in. Then spending the night. Then clinging to Akaashi all night long.

By the time Akaashi woke up, he had a stress headache from Bokuto.

**. . .**

They separated the next morning, Akaashi going to class, and Bokuto going back to his apartment to get clothes for work. Akaashi had never felt smothered by Bokuto before, at least not when he wasn’t actively avoiding him, but he felt smothered now. He considered making up some excuse to not be home tonight. Something in his bones told him that Bokuto would show up again tonight.

For the first time in a long time, Akaashi was relieved to have class. He needed space and other interactions that weren’t his boyfriends. It was too painful seeing them. Especially painful seeing Bokuto right now. At least, he thought class would be better, that it’d add some much-needed distance from Bokuto. Until he started getting texts approximately every five minutes. They weren’t even in the group chat either. Some were, but most were directly to Akaashi. It was one thing for Bokuto to be clingy to Akaashi, but it made things so much worse for him to exclude Kuroo. They were supposed to be a team. Relationships didn’t work if there was favoritism.

Not that Akaashi really had room to talk. He was planning on leaving both of them very soon, so in comparison Bokuto wasn’t doing anything wrong. Akaashi was just a piece of shit. That’s probably what made him feel worse about it. He wanted Bokuto to get closer to Kuroo, not to him. With Bokuto clinging to Akaashi, it made him fear that things would become stressed between Bokuto and Kuroo. It’d make things harder for all three of them.

_I just need to go back to avoiding them. I’ll tell them I’m too busy with school now._

**. . .**

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: I have a test to study for tonight. Please no unannounced arrivals.

[ **Koutarou** ]: So announced is fine?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Bro…

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: *No visits at all.

[ **Koutarou** ]: ｡ﾟ･ (>﹏<) ･ﾟ｡

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Why don’t you come over and hang with me?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: we can play some games

[ **Koutarou** ]: okay….

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Thank you, Kuroo

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Have fun you two

[ **Koutarou** ]: we could always come over and play games there

[ **Koutarou** ]: we’d be quiet!

[ **Koutarou** ]: you wouldn’t even know we’re there!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Bo…

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Koutarou, please

[ **Koutarou** ]: ……..

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I’ll grab us some beer

[ **Koutarou** ]: ……..

[ **Tetsurou** ]: bro. you know how hard it is to study.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: lets not interfere

[ **Koutarou** ]: fine…

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Thank you for understanding.

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: I love you both.

[ **Koutarou** ]: LOVE YOU!!!!

[ **Koutarou** ]: ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ 

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Love you too, Starshine.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Do your best ❤

**. . .**

Akaashi’s excuses of needing to study for this or that test or needing extra sleep for a few days. It’s working better than anticipated. He’ll send a few texts in the group text and answers a few of Bokuto’s direct texts to him. He feels bad then and texts Kuroo directly too. Kuroo’s being more sensible than Bokuto right now and Akaashi ends up texting him more than he does Bokuto. Thankfully, it seems like Kuroo doesn’t mention it, or keeps it well hidden, because Bokuto doesn’t seem to know to throw a fit about it.

Still, Bokuto’s behavior is troubling. He’s never acted like this. He’d been a bit too attached to Akaashi from the start, but that was just part of his nature. Nothing had happened for this change.

_Except for us changing to a polyamorous relationship, but that was his idea._

Akaashi groans and flops over in bed. Bokuto was ruining his plans. Akaashi _hated_ being kept under thumb. It reminded him of how he’s been treated his entire life by his parents. If Bokuto kept this up, he wasn’t going to be able to control his rage.

**. . .**

Bokuto shows up later in the week unannounced. Akaashi stands in the doorway clenching and unclenching his fist, trying not to lose his temper. He feels his temple throbbing in anger but tries to quell the rage.

“Keiji! You’ve been studying all week. We should go do karaoke!” Bokuto gives a big grin and tries to reach for Akaashi’s hand.

_In what world is karaoke something that I would jump at doing?_

Akaashi shakes his head. “Koutarou. I’m tired. I don’t feel like socializing and I don’t want to go out.”

“We can just stay in then?” Bokuto tilts his head and gives a hopeful smile.

“Please go home, Koutarou.”

“What?” Bokuto’s lower lip juts out and he starts to tear up immediately. “Are you mad at me?”

_A little bit, yes._

“No, Koutarou. I’m just tired. I’m going back to bed. There’s no reason for you to be here.”

“You’re here. That’s reason enough for me to be here!” He gives a big grin and hug.

_It’s like talking to a brick wall._

“Whatever. Just please let me sleep.”

“Sure thing! You won’t even know I’m here!”

_I highly doubt that._

**. . .**

Akaashi just leaves his door unlocked the next day. He sits at his table doing homework. There’s a knock and he calls for Bokuto to come in. Or a murderer. At this point, he’s really rooting for the murderer for more than one reason. Hopefully a murderer who likes to murder their victims quickly. Akaashi wasn’t sure if he was up for the whole torture ordeal.

Bokuto comes with more food this time and a copy of a new manga he thinks Akaashi might like. Akaashi does his best to ignore him and do his homework. Eventually, Bokuto takes the hint and finds something quiet to do until Akaashi’s ready for bed. Akaashi can’t escape the feeling that Bokuto’s staring at him the entire time, though.

When Akaashi finally calls it a night, Bokuto is insistent of giving him a blowjob or an orgasm of some sort. Akaashi’s not sure why he’s offering orgasms like one would pizza, but he ends up accepting. After he finishes once, Bokuto asks him if he wanted him to fuck him so he could come again. Akaashi had to control his face so he didn’t stare at Bokuto like he’d said something insane. Usually Bokuto whined about wanting to fuck Akaashi. He wasn’t necessarily selfish, but to want to pleasure Akaashi and not himself at all, was uncharacteristic.

**. . .**

[ **Keiji** ]: Are you still up?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: yeah

[ **Tetsurou** ]: whats up?

[ **Keiji** ]: I need to talk to you about Koutarou

[ **Tetsurou** ]: oh?

[ **Keiji** ]: Why is he acting like this?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Ok

[ **Tetsurou** ]: so it’s not just me

[ **Keiji** ]: No. Absolutely not just you.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I don’t know though?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: did something happen between you two?

[ **Keiji** ]: No?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: you sure?

[ **Keiji** ]: Yes.

[ **Keiji** ]: He didn’t start acting like this until a couple of weeks ago.

[ **Keiji** ]: He just started showing up unannounced.

[ **Keiji** ]: At first I thought it was just because I’ve been busy, but he hasn’t stopped.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: to be fair

[ **Tetsurou** ]: we didn’t see you and barely heard from you for a month

[ **Keiji** ]: I am aware.

[ **Keiji** ]: However, even when we’ve spent time apart before he never acted like this.

[ **Keiji** ]: He’s not respecting my boundaries. He’s showing up every night.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Every night?

[ **Keiji** ]: Except for a few days last week when I said I had to study.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: holy shit

[ **Tetsurou** ]: not cool

[ **Tetsurou** ]: okay

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I’ll talk to him and ask why he’s being a total stalker.

[ **Keiji** ]: Thank you.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: No problem, babe

[ **Tetsurou** ]: although

[ **Tetsurou** ]: if you wanted to repay me for my selfless deed

[ **Tetsurou** ]: you could always send some racy pics

[ **Keiji** ]: [Image Attached]

[ **Tetsurou** ]: yea

[ **Tetsurou** ]: that is not what I had in mind and u know it

[ **Keiji** ]: I have to go now before Koutarou realizes I’m not actually uses the bathroom.

[ **Keiji** ]: He’s been smothering me so much I’m afraid he’ll ask if I need help if I stay any longer.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: ew

[ **Keiji** ]: Yeah.

[ **Keiji** ]: Please talk to him tomorrow.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: you can ocunt on me!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: my intervention skills are better than my typing I swear

**. . .**

After both Kuroo and Bokuto are done with class and work for the day, Akaashi finally gets some silence. He’s alone and the group chat is dead.

_This is what it should be like right now. Alone. Not a burden to anyone._

The quiet stays until it starts to get late and Bokuto sends him goodnight wishes. Shortly after, Kuroo texts him as well.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: so

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I talked to bo and

[ **Tetsurou** ]: nothing

[ **Tetsurou** ]: zilch

[ **Tetsurou** ]: he just got all fidgety and weird on me

[ **Tetsurou** ]: which means he’s hiding something else from me

[ **Tetsurou** ]: but that’s a me and him thing so dw

[ **Tetsurou** ]: however

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I have a night class tomorrow

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I’ll try to deter him

[ **Tetsurou** ]: but I bet he’ll show up

[ **Keiji** ]: I feel bad for not wanting him here every night.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: don’t

[ **Tetsurou** ]: you’ve got things to do

[ **Tetsurou** ]: besides

[ **Tetsurou** ]: you can’t want to be around someone 24/7

[ **Keiji** ]: Thank you for trying.

**. . .**

Bokuto shows up _again_ the next night. Akaashi opens his door and stares at him with dead eyes and a frown, but doesn’t move to let him in.

“Hey Keiji!” Bokuto leans into give him a quick peck on the lips. “How about we go out for some ramen, hit the bookstore, and then make some cookies?”

Akaashi’s mouth falls open and he narrows his eyes. He inhales deeply through his mouth and exhales through his nose.

“Koutarou.” He says in a voice that’s probably too harsh. “I understand that you miss me and want to spend time with me, but you can’t just keep showing up here unannounced.”

“Do you not want to be around me?” Bokuto’s lip juts out and tears are starting to form again like last time Akaashi tried to set boundaries.

“I do. I love you a lot.”

Bokuto’s bright smile starts to return and he takes a small step toward Akaashi. Akaashi quickly raises a hand so he can finish talking. The smile slips away and Bokuto’s face contorts like someone’s just told him terrible news even though Akaashi hadn’t said anything yet.

“That being said, you’re not respecting my boundaries. I’ve asked you to ask when you want to come over, but you keep showing up and barging in anyway.”

“I’m bothering you.”

“Koutarou, please don’t say it like that. Some nights I just want to be alone.”

Bokuto sniffs and the tears start freely falling.

_How could I do this to him? I thought I was done making him cry. I’m such a fucking waste of space. I don’t deserve to exist. I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve him or Kuroo or any of my friends._

Akaashi gives a sigh in defeat and wipes Bokuto’s tears away. “Koutarou, don’t be sad. I’m not upset with you. I just. I’m not like you. I can’t be social every day.”

“I s-should’ve know. People say I-I’m exhausting to be around. Of course I’d be a burden to y-you.” Bokuto starts to gasp for air and softly wail.

_It’s the other way around. Kuroo would never make you cry like this. Please go to him. He’d skip class just to make you feel better. He’d know what to do. I can’t help myself and I can’t help you._

“Shhh-shh. You’re not a burden. You could never be.” Akaashi tries to wipe more tears from Bokuto’s face and give him a reassuring smile.

“But I am! I’ve been bothering you and I’m too stupid to even realize it!” Bokuto’s voice is raising in agony. “I’m m-making your life miserable! I’m-m supposed to be making you happy, but I’m fucking it up!”

_You’ve got it wrong again. The only reason I’ve hung on this long is because you make me so happy. You make life worth living. You and Kuroo. You literally make me forget everything, all the bad things I feel, when I’m with you two._

One of the other residents passes by and gives Bokuto a disgusted look. Akaashi’s attention snaps over to them and gives the death stare until they’re out of sight. Bokuto’s crying more now and getting louder by the second.

“Come on. Come inside, Koutarou.”

Akaashi drags one of Bokuto’s hands and pulls him in from the cold. As soon as he closes the door behind him, Bokuto grabs him in an impossibly tight hug and starts wailing again.

“I’m s-sorry K-Keiji! I didn’t mean to be annoying! I’ll be better! Don’t leave me!”

_That’s a promise I can’t make, Koutarou. I’m going to leave everyone._

“Shhh.” Akaashi rubs Bokuto’s back with what little movement Bokuto’s embrace is allowing him. “What’s this all about? Why would I leave you?”

“You just f-feel so far away.” Bokuto wails even louder at that. “I’m pushing you away!”

_I’m pushing you away._

“You’re not. You’re not.” Akaashi watches Bokuto cry more with no sign of stopping. “Come on. Let’s go sit down and talk about it, okay?”

Bokuto’s grip on him gets tighter and he plants his feet on the ground, unmoving. Akaashi leans against the door and continues to rub his back, unable to offer comfort and unable to contradict him.

They stay like that until Bokuto calms down and can finally face Akaashi again. Upon seeing Akaashi’s face, he immediately starts crying again.

_What is happening here???_

This goes on for a few more minutes until Bokuto completely calms down. He stares at Akaashi biting his lip like he’s got something he’s on the cusp of blurting out, but just can’t get the words to come out.

Akaashi runs a hand along Bokuto’s face, wiping away the last of the tears, and runs his fingers into Bokuto’s hair. “I love you. I want you to know that. I don’t know what’s going through your head, but I’m not leaving you. I want you around and you’ve never bothered or annoyed me. I treasure the time we spend together.”

Bokuto’s eyes go wide at that and his eyes start to fill up with tears again, but he quickly wipes them again and shakes his head in effort to push that feeling away.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Koutarou. We all get worried sometimes.” Akaashi gives him a quick kiss that Bokuto doesn’t want to break apart from, but Akaashi pulls away from. “Why are you so worried though? You didn’t start acting like this until after we started dating Kuroo. Is it bothering you?”

It’s a problem Akaashi needs to continue, but he can’t wish for that when Bokuto is in so much pain. He’d have to find a different plan. He was desperate enough he’d figure something out. Get mauled by a bear in Finland’s wilderness if he had to.

Bokuto’s eyes widen at that and his gaze moves away from Akaashi.

_Bingo._

“Hey.” Akaashi softly whispers while scratching Bokuto’s head softly. “I’m not going to leave you for Kuroo. We’re all together. Kuroo’s not going to leave you either. I promise.”

_That’s at least partially true. I’m not leaving you to be with Kuroo, I’m leaving you so I can finally die. Kuroo’s going to be by your side when I disappear. Probably forever._

“You mean it?” Bokuto’s gaze returns to Akaashi with an intensity Akaashi had only seen during volleyball. His bright honey eyes scared Akaashi.

“I do.”

Bokuto squeezes Akaashi in a hug and gives him another kiss. “I’m sorry,” he trails off and rubs his neck, “for all of that.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. Talk to me about it next time. Don’t let it get so bad, okay?”

Bokuto gives a small smile and nods. “Okay. You too. If something’s bothering you tell me. Don’t let it fester like I did.”

_You’re about six years too late for that._

“I will. I promise.”

Bokuto gives a wider smile and some of his usual energy starts to return. “So. Uh. Should I go now or?”

Akaashi gives a small snort. “Thank you for asking. I can’t send you out in the cold after that, so it’ll be okay tonight.” He gives a wink. “But you’d said something about ramen?”

Bokuto’s entire body inflates with excitement. “Can we?” he yells slightly.

“Sure. Let me get my coat.”

**. . .**

Akaashi mistakenly thinks all will be right with the world the next day since they cleared the air. Bokuto was his usual, unclingy self during their date and didn’t beg to spend the night. Akaashi’s phone wasn’t being blown up while he was supposed to be in class. He felt good about this.

It lasts two days.

Bokuto doesn’t show up unannounced, but he calls and asks Akaashi if it’s okay. It’s an improvement that Akaashi is grateful for. He tells Bokuto no, needing and wanting more distance between them, but then Bokuto whines and begs to come over anyway. After five minutes of telling him no several times, Akaashi hangs up on him and turns his phone off.

When he turns his phone back on the next day, he’s got several voicemails and messages from Bokuto apologizing. Kuroo had texted him too to tell him to please not ignore Bokuto and that he’d try to help them both out.

That only makes Akaashi feel worse. Kuroo shouldn’t have to play the peacemaker parent between them. It’s ridiculous. Right now, Akaashi doesn’t know how to handle Bokuto’s obsessive behavior any other way though. He _needs_ him to go away. The only perk is that Kuroo’s giving him more space since Bokuto is obviously pissing Akaashi off. Space was good. Space is what he needed.

The next evening it happens again. Akaashi only gives him three minutes on the phone this time before hanging up and turning his phone off. His anger is reaching its limits.

The next day Bokuto doesn’t call, but texts in the group chat instead.

[ **Koutarou** ]: Hey! Hey! Hey!

[ **Koutarou** ]: How about we all go ice skating tonight?

[ **Koutarou** ]: winters coming to an end

[ **Koutarou** ]: it’s the perfect time!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: it’s an indoor rink

[ **Tetsurou** ]: we can go anytime?

[ **Koutarou** ]: but ‘tis the season

[ **Tetsurou** ]: that’s Christmas??

[ **Tetsurou** ]: it’s February???

[ **Koutarou** ]: are you in or not

[ **Koutarou** ]: Keiji?

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Sorry Koutarou. Kuroo and I were going to spend time together tonight since I’ve only been able to see you lately.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: We were?

[ **Keiji Starshine** ]: Yes. Remember?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Oh yeah!

[ **Tetsurou** ]: sorry. I blame homework

[ **Tetsurou** ]: be there soon

[ **Koutarou** ]: oh

[ **Koutarou** ]: okay

[ **Koutarou** ]: have fun

Akaashi knows it’s petty. It’s a dick move to play on Bokuto’s insecurities like that, but he’s pissed. Bokuto’s treating him like his parent’s do; like less than a person. Like someone who’s incapable of choosing how to life their own life.

Kuroo texts him outside of the group chat.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I know Bo’s being annoying

[ **Tetsurou** ]: but that was kind of mean

[ **Tetsurou** ]: even for you

[ **Starshine** ]: When he starts respecting my wishes I’ll be nicer.

[ **Starshine** ]: He and I just had a discussion about this a few days ago.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: still…

[ **Starshine** ]: I’ve tried handling it better, but it didn’t work. This is where he and I are at right now.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: you’re okay with this?

[ **Starshine** ]: No. I don’t want him to worry and be in pain. But until he decides he wants to work this out, then I have no choice.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: …..

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Do what you think is best

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Do you mind if I come over to finsh hw?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I can’t guarantee we wont’ be busted if I stay home

[ **Tetsurou** ]: not to mention

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I’d like to see your pretty face

[ **Starshine** ]: That’s fine.

[ **Starshine** ]: You’re not the annoying one for once.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: that can be fixed

**. . .**

Akaashi prays to the god he doesn’t believe in that Bokuto won’t show up the next day.

He does anyway though.

Akaashi silently lets him in. He doesn’t let Bokuto kiss or hug him at all and doesn’t speak to him the entire time he’s there.

_Maybe that will help push my point._

**. . .**

It doesn’t.

When Akaashi hears a knock on his door the next day, he throws his chabudai across the room and marches to the front door, throwing it open.

“Kei-“

“Bokuto-san,” Akaashi growls cutting Bokuto off, “I thought I made myself clear. _Don’t show up here unannounced._ ”

“I jus-“

“No! No “I just!”, no I missed you, no excuses! I’m _sick_ of it.”

Bokuto’s face visibly pales and his mouth drops open.

“I-. I-.” He stammers, clearly scared.

Akaashi sighs and rubs his temple with one hand, anger dissipating at Bokuto’s pain. “Please go home. I need space, Koutarou. You’re driving me crazy like this.”

The tears start flowing down Bokuto’s face like last time.

“P-please Keiji. Don’t cut me out.”

Akaashi’s anger flares up again. He’s fed up. He can’t deal with everything. This is taking too much energy. He’s exhausted. Why can’t he just not exist anymore? Why does he have to cause pain for others?

“Please Keiji. I’ll just be a fly on the wall.”

“No Bokuto-san!” Akaashi shouts losing the last ounce of decorum he possessed. “Go away! Unless I contact you, I don’t want to see or hear from you anymore!”

He slams the door in Bokuto’s face and locks the deadbolt immediately. He presses his back against the wall and slides down it, staring at nothing, only dead inside.

Outside, he can hear Bokuto crying. He doesn’t leave for hours. Eventually, Kuroo’s voice joins him. He talks softly with him for a long time, Bokuto crying harder during it, before he finally convinces him to come home. Kuroo doesn’t bother knocking on Akaashi’s door to check on him.

_The inevitable has finally happened. I’ve hurt them both beyond repair. I’ve finally destroyed everything. There’s no one holding me back now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder: I’ll be off on a mini-hiatus for the next several weeks, so I can post the next 3 (?) chapters at once. I’ll still be replying to comments and/or anything on Tumblr though!


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haaaaaaa…… *sets my house on fire and leaves the country*
> 
> ***TRIGGER WARNING: SERIOUS SUICIDE ATTEMPT VIA WRIST CUTTING WHILE UNDER THE INFLUENCE. THERE WILL BE BLOOD.*** IT’S THE LAST TWO SECTIONS THE FIRST STARTS WITH A *** SEPERATOR INSTEAD OF MY USUAL . . .

_I’m most envious of the sky during a storm. It’s allowed to scream and be tumultuous. To shake the lands without care. Strike out in its fury. People gawk at it and chase it for its beauty. They attempt to immortalize its fleeting wrath in photos and art._

_I hope the world tips upside down, so I can fall into the storm. We could feel each other’s pain. We were made for each other._

_We could go where there are no cages. And scream and cry until we’re no more._

_The storm rages on and on. My frustration rages with it._

_When it’s gone people forget about it._

_Just like they’ll forget about me._

________________________

Bokuto stares at Keiji’s apartment door with one hand outstretched softly touching it, willing himself to become transparent so he could walk through the door and make things right with Keiji. It didn’t matter if he had to be a ghost. He wanted to check on Keiji.

_I fucked up. I fucked up so bad. What if he never speaks to me again? What if-_

Bokuto chokes before he can even finish the thought. Tears are flooding his face and his chest is tightening like a black hole has replaced his heart and is sucking his chest cavity and body into itself.

_What did I just do? I just wanted to help him. I love Keiji so much. I just want him to stay with me. Stay in the world._

He doesn’t know how long he stands here. The silent tears evolve into sobs and the cold outside starts to chill his bones. He sits against the wall across from Keiji’s door still staring at it and bawling, unable to do anything else. He wanted nothing more to knock on the door. For Keiji to let him in so he could see his face and hold him. To apologize for hours and explain why he’s been harassing Keiji. He loved Keiji. He loved him so much.

_I just want him to live. I just want him to survive. I fucked it up. I made it worse._

The sun goes down and Bokuto’s still staring at the door punishing himself incessantly. Willing Keiji to open it or call him. To give him half a chance. To give him an ounce of time. He’ll do better. He’ll be better. He just wanted Keiji to be happy.

A vibration from his pocket pulls him from his despair. Heart pounding in hopes it was Keiji he grabs it with lighting speed only to see Kuroo’s name. He loves Kuroo, but his name isn’t the one he needs right now. Bokuto bursts back into sobs and answers.

“H-hello?”

“Bro, what’s wrong?” Kuroo’s voice is hard but concerned.

_I’m a fucking idiot who’s pushed Keiji away and closer to killing himself!_

Bokuto starts to wail in response. He can’t calm down to talk to Kuroo. He doesn’t even know if he can face him.

_Kuroo’s going to hate me too. Keiji’s going to die and Kuroo’s going to be so disgusted with me because it’s my fault. He’s never going to talk to me again._

He starts to hyperventilate, unable to hear what Kuroo is saying to him.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Kuroo coos softly, panting slightly. “I’ll be there in five minutes, okay? Just stay there. It’s going to be okay.”

“O-okay.” Bokuto wails before hanging up and giving Keiji’s door his undivided attention again, silently pleading for Keiji to let him in.

**. . .**

Kuroo doesn’t know why, but in the middle of class he gets this gut feeling that he needs to call Bokuto. He sneaks out and gives him a quick call, so he can convince his brain that he’s being paranoid. As soon as Bokuto answers, he knows his gut was right.

His gut sinks even more listening to Bo sob. He knows that Keiji’s finally snapped and they’ve fought without Bo saying a word. He dashes back into the classroom to grab his bag and dashes back out, all the while trying to comfort Bo, who doesn’t seem to be hearing a word he’s saying. He stays on the phone on the train despite annoyed looks from other passengers. He texts Kenma to trace Bokuto’s phone for him. Shortly after he gets a message with Keiji’s address.

_Fuck._

Bo cries the entire time Kuroo is making his way over. He doesn’t even think Bo has realized how long he’s even been crying. Once off the train, probably pushing a few people along the way, Kuroo sprints to Keiji’s apartment complex.

His heart is breaking for his best friend and boyfriend. The last time Bo cried this much was when his mother died. More than anything, he’s pissed at Keiji for hurting him. Bo didn’t deserve to be treated so bad that he cries. Sure, he could be annoying and loud, but Keiji never seemed to have a problem with it before. He knew that Bo had been bugging Keiji more than usual lately, but something still didn’t feel right. Keiji wasn’t normally confrontational. This was too much.

He goes up the stairs two at a time, praying that Bo wouldn’t be outside Keiji’s door still. That maybe it wasn’t as bad a Kuroo feared. That maybe Keiji realized how much he hurt Bo and is making up with him right now. That maybe Kenma was wrong and Bo wasn’t there. That he should’ve stayed in class and rushing here for no reason was ridiculous. That he still hadn’t gotten over being overprotective of Bo.

He reaches the landing and sees Bo sitting against the wall, shivering, arms wrapped around knees, face full of tears, staring intently at Keiji’s door. Kuroo’s heart sets on fire in anger at Keiji and then breaks from how sad Bo looks. He loved Keiji. He’d pinned over him for months before Keiji gave him a chance. But this, this was why he was against Keiji and Bo dating to begin with. It would’ve been okay for Keiji to hurt him, but it wasn’t for Keiji to hurt Bo.

Out of breath, Kuroo plops down beside Bo, wraps his arms around him, and pulls him in close. He’s freezing to the touch and Kuroo hopes he can get him home soon to warm him up. Reasonably, he knows it’s going to be hard to get him to nudge away from Keiji’s door, if at all.

Bo’s a mess of sobs, hiccups, and shakes. His eyes are still peeled on Keiji’s door like it’s the only thing in existence. Kuroo rubs his back, trying to help calm him, if only a little. He bites back the tears forming in his own eyes. He hates seeing Bo like this. If he could, he’d make it to where Bo would never cry again. He’d protect him with every ounce of his being. That Keiji was the one to make Bo break like this only hurt him more. Keiji _knew_ what he did. He had no right. This isn’t how you treat people and it sure as hell isn’t how you treat people you love.

He can’t feel his fingers by the time Bo reaches his lifetime limit of crying and runs out of tears. He finally faces Kuroo, biting his lip and looking more pathetic than Kuroo’s ever seen him. Kuroo had seen him through all the bad things. Bokuto had never made a face like this. He doesn’t speak, just hiccups and tries to stable his breathing. Kuroo cups his face and kisses him softly, nuzzling their faces together. Bo starts hyperventilating slightly at that and Kuroo squeezes him tight, whispering in his ear.

“I love you Koutarou. Keiji loves you too. Whatever happened can be fixed, okay? Everything is going to work out. It’ll be okay.”

“I-it’s n-not go-oona beee o-okay!” Bokuto clutches Kuroo tighter and lets out a few choked sobs.

Kuroo runs his hand through Bo’s hair. “It will. I said it will be. I’d never lie to you. We’ll fix it. All of us, together.”

“D-do you h-hate ‘e?” Bokuto whimpers, not meeting Kuroo’s eyes.

_Why would you and Keiji fighting make me hate you?_

“Never.” Kuroo kisses Bokuto’s forehead. “No matter what you do or what happens, I’ll always love you.”

Bokuto buries his face in Kuroo’s shoulder wailing again.

“I f-fucked up!”

Kuroo starts to rub Bokuto’s back again. He speaks softly, afraid Bokuto will start to backtrack if he sounds at all annoyed or defensive. “No. I’m sure everything’s fine.”

Bokuto shakes his head on Kuroo.

“You want to talk about it, buddy?”

Another head shake. “N-not here.”

_That bad he doesn’t want to work it out here? I thought we’d be here all night._

Kuroo’s eyebrows furrow and he curses Keiji internally.

“At home then? I’ll make you dinner and you can take a warm bath.”

Bokuto sniffles a bit more before nodding his head.

“Thank you, Tetsu. I love you so much.”

Kuroo helps Bokuto get up, grateful to get him out of the cold. Bokuto’s eyes linger on Keiji’s door one last time. Kuroo shoots it a glare.

**. . .**

[ **Tetsurou** ]: We need to talk.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: May I come over?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: If you don’t answer I’m coming over anyway.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Do you know how long Bo cried last night?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: He sat outside your door for hours.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Just crying.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: and crying

[ **Tetsurou** ]: he passed out last night before I could get him to talk

[ **Tetsurou** ]: but you’re going to tell me

[ **Tetsurou** ]: what you two could’ve possibly fought about that made him this distraught

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I haven’t seen him cry this much since his mother died

[ **Tetsurou** ]: his MOTHER Keiji

[ **Tetsurou** ]: MOTHER

[ **Tetsurou** ]: she was the fucking embodiment of sunshine and good will

[ **Tetsurou** ]: her existence made me feel like a better person

[ **Tetsurou** ]: and I was fucking married women before she died

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Keiji he was so cold I thought we was going to have frostbite

[ **Tetsurou** ]: but he wouldn’t move for the logest time

[ **Tetsurou** ]: how could you treat him like that?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I KNOW you heard him out there crying

[ **Tetsurou** ]: he’s an ugly, loud crier

[ **Tetsurou** ]: shit

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I know you’re pissed

[ **Tetsurou** ]: but really

[ **Tetsurou** ]: REALLY???

[ **Tetsurou** ]: you let him sit out there and cry for hours?

[ **Tetsurou** ]: that’s fucked up

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I don’t have words

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I’m pissed at you

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Bo is heartbroken

[ **Tetsurou** ]: he’s been asleep for over 12 hours now

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I din’t know panic attacks could last as long as his did

[ **Tetsurou** ]: and he had SEVERAL

[ **Tetsurou** ]: look…

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I love you.

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I know now isnt’ the time to say that

[ **Tetsurou** ]: and you probably don’t wna to hear it

[ **Tetsurou** ]: but it’s true

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I love you but im pissed

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I’m so fucking pissed

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I don’t know how you could hurt bo like that

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I just don’t get it

[ **Tetsurou** ]: but I love you

[ **Tetsurou** ]: and Bo loves you

[ **Tetsurou** ]: he loves you so fucking much

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I don’t know what happened last night

[ **Tetsurou** ]: but I want to know

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I NEED to know

[ **Tetsurou** ]: please

[ **Tetsurou** ]: talk to me so we can fix this

[ **Tetsurou** ]: we’re all hurting

[ **Tetsurou** ]: don’t shut us out

[ **Tetsurou** ]: we can fix whatever this mess is

[ **Tetsurou** ]: Bo will forgive you in an instant

[ **Tetsurou** ]: I hope whatever happened is worth his forgiveness

**. . .**

Bokuto stared at Kuroo’s bedroom wall. He could hear Kuroo pacing in the living room and tapping furiously on his phone. There was the faint sound of game music so Kenma was probably in there watching Kuroo.

_I killed him. I helped kill Keiji. I just wanted to keep him safe. What if he disappears without a trace? What if he’s already done it while I was here sleeping?_

He bites his lip as the tears start to well up again. He had to be silent. If he started bawling now Kuroo would come in and make him spill. He couldn’t tell Kuroo that he’d pushed their boyfriend further toward his planned suicide. That he’d kept something so important from Kuroo because he didn’t trust him with it. Something that he had managed to make worse.

That he was no better than a murderer.

_I hate myself. I’m so fucking stupid. I should’ve told both of them. Kuroo can fix everything. We could’ve helped Keiji. Now they’re both going to hate me and Keiji’s going to kill himself after graduation._

He can’t hold the tears back anymore and starts wailing like a newborn.

_I miss Keiji so much. It hurts so much. What did I do?_

Kuroo and Kenma run in there and join him on the bed to help comfort and calm him down. He can’t focus on either of them, but he catches concerned looks going back and forth between each other.

“Kou, please tell me what’s wrong.” Kuroo starts to cry as well, only making Bokuto cry harder.

Kenma is hiding their face with their hair and clinging onto one of Bokuto’s hands with such intensity it’s cutting through his emotional pain for the physical pain.

“You’ll hate me! You’ll both hate me!” Bokuto bawls wanting desperately to tell them but never wanting them to know either.

“Koutarou. No. We couldn’t.” Kenma’s voice is quiet, but they hiccup signifying that Bokuto made them cry as well.

Bokuto cries until he passes out again.

**. . .**

“Kenma, I’m going to kick Keiji’s ass.” Kuroo paces back and forth in the living room again.

“Kuro, that’s not going to fix anything, and you know it.”

Kuroo lets out an aggravated groan and pulls his hair. “You know he hasn’t tried contacting either of us yet? I texted him a billion times already.”

“You mean yelled via text.” Kenma’s knowing eyes follow Kuroo intently as he paces.

“Yes. I’m pissed.”

“Keiji is pissed too. Yelling at him and threatening at him isn’t going to help the situation, which, we still don’t know exactly what’s wrong and Koutarou isn’t in a state to tell us.”

“Fuuuuuck! What do we do?”

“We wait.”

Kuroo’s head snaps over to Kenma with their offensive suggestion. They’re still calmly watching him.

“We. Can’t. Wait.” Kuroo hisses back. “I won’t. You saw Bo! Something really bad happened. I know he’s a cry baby, but this is something _serious_.”

“Keiji won’t talk to us. Koutarou won’t talk to us. Pushing them is only going to make things worse. Focus on taking care of Koutarou right now. He needs you. Check in with Keiji again tomorrow but without threatening to kick his ass. Don’t. Barge. In.”

“I hate your plan.”

“I don’t like it either, but it’s the best we can do with no information aside from Koutarou being distraught and Keiji ignoring everyone. These aren’t necessarily out of the ordinary occurrences.”

**. . .**

At some point after Kuroo retrieved Bokuto from outside his apartment, Akaashi must’ve passed out on the floor. He wakes, back still against the door, freezing, and in pain from his position and floor.

_I deserve this. Maybe if I stay here I’ll die like this._

He can hear his phone vibrating like crazy in the other room, but he knows it’s just someone pissed off at him for being a piece of shit. It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s done. He’s done talking to anyone. He’s done doing anything. He’s done pretending to care about what happens to him.

He closes his eyes again to fall back asleep.

_Please just let me die here. I can’t take it anymore. Please._

**. . .**

Bokuto wakes up to the smell of meat cooking.

_They’re trying to butter me up to talk._

His stomach grows, yearning for food since he hadn’t eaten since yesterday. At least, he thinks yesterday. Kuroo’s room was dark except for the light coming through where the door was cracked. He feels around the bed and bedside table for his phone but can’t find it. Frowning, he sits up and turns on the lamp.

There’s a note on the beside in Kuroo’s unintelligible scrawl that says, “I love you” and a pair of clothes beside it. No phone. No Kuroo or Kenma in bed with him. By the look of it, they’d let him sleep alone all night.

Needing to see Kuroo, Kenma, and to check if Keiji had contacted him, Bokuto wills himself out of bed. His body feels heavy and sore like gravity had increased tenfold. His head aches from the light and every movement he makes. Slowly, and with eyes mostly closed, he makes his way out of Kuroo’s room and into the living room and kitchen.

Kenma’s in there cooking what looks like dinner. Kuroo’s nowhere to be found. He sits himself on a barstool and rests his head against the table.

“Good morning, Koutarou.” Kenma mumbles.

There’s rummaging around and the sound of water running. Kenma sets something by Bokuto’s head and ruffles his hair.

“Take some pain killers. You had several panic attacks yesterday and slept for almost twenty-four hours. It’ll make you feel better.”

_Twenty-fo-_

“Fuck!” Bokuto shoots up, opening his eyes in terror. Pain goes through his body and the brightness of the light causes him to hiss and snap his eyes back shut. He gives a groan. “I’ve got to call work.”

“Kuro already called the university and your clients. Both understood and have given you the rest of the week off. The university will give more time if you need. Kuro will walk the dogs.”

“What about-“ Bokuto bites his lip and lets the question hang in the air, unable to say Keiji’s name. He peeks his eyes open to see Kenma looking somber.

They hum and shake their head. “No word. He isn’t responding to Kuro or I. Kuro’s been keeping an eye on your phone, but there’s been nothing there either.”

_What if he-_

“We have to go there!” Bokuto jumps up.  Dizziness hits him, and he immediately has to sit back down. He gives a whine. “ _Please_. We need to check on him.”

“No. We’re not barging in. Kuro said that’s how this started. Barging in will make it worse.”

“Kenma, we _have_ to check on him. _Now_. I don’t care how pissed off he gets at me. I won’t _abandon_ him right now.”

Kenma stares at Bokuto, their eyes darting back and forth inspecting the words Bokuto used. They turn the stove off and walk to their room.

“Kenma” Bokuto whines again, his head still killing him.

“Take the pain killer, Koutarou.” Kenma huffs as they walk back with their laptop. “I’ve got a compromise for you.”

“No. I _need_ to see him. I _need_ to know if he’s _okay_.”

Kenma’s head jerks back a little and their face contorts so they look affronted. They stay silent as they enter things into their computer. They click one final button aggressively before grabbing a plate and filling it with meat. They slide it over to Bokuto, check their computer, and grab bowls for rice and soup.

“We’re _wasting_ _time_.” Bokuto whines. “I _need_ your help. _Please_.”

“Eat. I’ve almost got it.” Kenma pushes the bowls toward Koutarou. “I won’t even consider letting you out of here before you eat and tell us what’s wrong. Just trust me for a moment.”

Bokuto sighs but relents. Temporarily, at least. Kenma was rarely wrong. Both them and Kuroo were rarely wrong. He was the only one who was a constant fuck up. He shoves some meat in his mouth but can’t taste it at all. His stomach tells him he’s hungry but eating feels stupid. He had more important things to take care of.

Kenma’s computer dings while they’re fixing them a plate as well. They drop the plate on the counter and rush back to the computer. Their eyes light up and they go back to typing furiously, a grin starting to play at the corner of their lips.

“Got it.”

“Got what? Got Kei-“ Bokuto stops before he can say Keiji’s name again. He doesn’t have the right. It was all his fault.

“Look.” Kenma turns the laptop so Bokuto can see. It’s a bunch of line graphs that Bokuto doesn’t understand. “See these changing graphs and changing numbers over here?”

Bokuto gives a nod, not understanding what this had to do with Keiji. It was pointless unless they could make sure Keiji was still alive.

“This is Keiji’s data usage on his phone.” They point to the graph and run their finger along it. “See how it was dead yesterday after this time for a long time? That’s after you two fought. He probably also passed out or slept.”

Bokuto’s eyes start to well up and he lets out a whine.

“But,” Kenma sharply adds before Bokuto can let the waterworks flow, “he’s using data right now. I can’t figure out what he’s looking at, but he’s okay enough to browse the internet. He’s okay.”

Bokuto lets out a loud sigh and slams his head on the table so hard the plates rattle. “You’re a genius. Thank you so much.”

“Thank you. You can repay me by eating and never mentioning that I did this ever again even if you’re summoned to court. And especially not to Keiji.”

Bokuto frowns and stares at the table. “I won’t.”

“Good. Eat and take your pain killers.”

He starts to slowly eat and barely gets down the pills. Kenma stands on the other side of the bar eating and monitoring their computer.

“Where’s Kuroo?”

“Asleep. He passed out a couple of hours ago.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m going to wake him up in an hour or two and you’re going to tell us what happened.”

Bokuto sinks in his chair. “Okay.”

“We’re here for you.”

“You might not be after I tell you.”

“We’re here for you and Keiji no matter what happened.”

Bokuto whines and sinks further, trying to hide himself from Kenma.

_I hope so. I need your help. Keiji needs your help._

**. . .**

Kuroo’s in the middle of some indecipherable nightmare crying out in his sleep when the sensation of someone sitting on the bed startles him awake.

“Bo?” He snaps awake and springs up.

Kenma’s watching him sadly. They shake their head. “He’s up now. He’s,” they trail off, “not great but better than yesterday.”

Kuroo gives a frown. “And Keiji?”

“Nothing. I’ve been tracking his data usage on his phone, so we know he’s not hurt or anything.”

Kuroo’s eyes widen before he breaks into a tired grin. “I love you, you little law-breaking outlaw.”

Kenma snorts and pushes Kuroo’s face away. “I made you some fish. Go eat. Koutarou said he’ll tell us what happened.”

Kuroo’s eyes widen impossibly huge and he has to hold back from being ill. He’s grateful Bo’s finally going to spill but he was also afraid. He didn’t want to hear how awful Keiji was to him. Whatever made Bo cry that much was something indescribably ugly.

“Come on. Eat dinner and shower. We’ve already eaten, so when everyone’s comfortable we’ll talk.”

“Fuck eating!” Kuroo yells. “I’m not going to waste time fucking eating!”

Kenma stares impassively back at him. “You will so you won’t do that fucking shit right there again. You need to take care of yourself otherwise you can’t take care of others.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll go eat real quick.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“Hey, uh. What’s Bo been doing?”

Kenma gets up and starts to walk to the door. “Mumbling to himself and staring at Keiji’s data usage. He’s been clutching a piece of paper that he won’t let me look at for a while now.”

_Fuck. Why is he so broken? What happened? Why doesn’t Keiji even care? Why isn’t he here?_

**. . .**

Akaashi wakes in a puddle of his own piss. The warmth turning cold is the only thing that bothered him enough to wake him. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t want to clean himself up. He just lays there. It doesn’t matter. This is where he dies.

**. . .**

“Kenma, what’s this?” Bokuto turns and pushes the laptop toward them frowning. The activity level was a stable low line and had been for a while now.

Kenma stares at it briefly before giving a simple, “Streaming music, probably”.

Bokuto nods before turning back to the screen, not aware that Kuroo was awake now and in the room as well.

_That fucker has the mindset to relax and listen to music, but can’t fucking send a single text? Even a ‘u k?’ would be fucking better than nothing._

Kuroo growls, about to make a snide comment, but one look from Kenma silences him. He knew better than to go against them right now. They were probably the only mostly sane one right now. Or at least they were the best at hiding their distress. Kenma had always been partial to Keiji ever since they’d first met at the park. They were probably hurting more than they were letting on and Kuroo couldn’t tell because he was too stressed out already.

He gives a sigh of protest and goes to eat the plate that Kenma had put out for him. He scarfs it down, being an anxious eater, and a depressed one too, so he can get his ass in the shower and _finally_ learn why everyone was out of their goddamn minds. He opts for a under one-minute shower, but when he hops out, Kenma is standing there growling. They point to the shampoo still in his hair silently before walking out.

_I don’t have fucking time to care about things like showering right now. This is ridiculous. Everyone is in pain. Hygiene doesn’t matter. It’s more of a suggestion anyway._

When all of Kenma’s requirements for open discussion have been met, Kuroo sprints across the apartment to the living room. Bokuto and Kenma are already there waiting and there’s three cups of hot tea on the table. Bokuto’s still staring intently at the laptop, biting his lip so hard it’s bleeding now.

“Koutarou. I’ll watch while you talk.” Kenma gives Bokuto a flat look before slowly slipping the laptop from his hands like they’re afraid Bokuto is going to lash out. For all Kuroo knows, Bokuto may have lashed out at Kenma while he’d been asleep.

Kuroo sits on the same couch Bokuto’s on but gives him some space. He stays silent and stares at Bokuto who’s staring at the floor now. He wants to hold Bokuto and comfort him. He wants to help make this easier somehow. He can’t, though. He can barely keep himself together. If he spoke, well, he would regret what came out of his mouth. He couldn’t hurt Bo more than he already was.

“Start whenever you’re ready, Koutarou.” Kenma’s voice is soft and they stare at the computer instead of putting more pressure on Bokuto with their intense gaze.

“O-okay. I don’t know where to even start though.”

Bokuto sniffles a few times and Kuroo’s hand instinctively finds his and gives it a squeeze. Bokuto interlaces their fingers and holds on tightly.

“How about a few weeks ago?” Kenma softly suggests. “That’s when you started going to Keiji’s every day, right?”

_That’s why you’re leading this. I would’ve said stalking._

Bokuto shakes his head. “It’s older than that.”

Both Kuroo and Kenma give each other a confused, concerned look.

_He’s never mentioned problems between them before._

Bokuto gives a sigh and stares at the floor again. Kuroo gives his hand another reassuring squeeze.

“Remember how I met Keiji? He was sleeping in the grass at the park. He looked so at peace. I just had to meet the beauty that was so happy he could sleep so comfortably in the middle of a park.” He shakes his head a bit. “We all know now that’s not who he is. That person-. That person in the park was someone who didn’t worry at all. It’s someone we’ve seen from time to time but isn’t the real Keiji.”

_Not the real Keiji?_

“At first, I didn’t realize it. I just thought he didn’t like me much or was too afraid to be himself. He never wanted to make plans too far ahead and _never_ after graduation. He finally started to like me before he disappeared for a month. I thought it was because I was drunk and said or did something stupid. The last thing I remember talking to him about was making memories with him like my mom and dad used to. Then he got upset and left. He cut me off. Didn’t tell me what I did or why. It’s not like I haven’t been ghosted before, but something felt wrong about it. We weren’t dating yet, so I wasn’t sure if I could even check on him. If I even had the right or if I’d just be bothering him. I respect him. I didn’t want to be one of those creepy possessive guys that keep clinging on even though the relationship is over.

Still, I tried to apologize, but he wouldn’t hear me out. Wouldn’t even give me a reason. One day when I was leaving flowers, I ran into Oikawa and Iwaizumi. Oikawa was furious for some reason and promised me that he’d take care of it. To just be patient for a little bit longer. Keiji contacted me a week later and he ended up inviting me over to explain why he was suddenly MIA.”

Bokuto shakes his head, still not daring to meet the other’s eyes. Kuroo shoots a quick look at Kenma, who’s eyes are wide and full of calculation.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you two this next part. It’s not exactly something people like to tell others. I’m not sure why he was even willing to share with me.” He takes a deep breath through his mouth and exhales through his nose. “Keiji has depression. He said it’s been like that since high school and that it got worse in college. Tetsu, you remember that scar on his leg?”

Kuroo feels chills run up his spine, afraid of what Bo’s going to say next even though he already knows. Tears start to prickle his eyes and he gives a small nod.

“He’d tried cutting himself once. Said he’d never done it again. I’ve never noticed any other scars, so I don’t know how truthful he was about that. He said he was over that. That he’d locked himself away because he was having an episode, but he was okay now. Then he asked me to be his boyfriend. I was so over the moon. I was a fool and believed him, blinded by my own happiness.”

_Keiji. Cut. Himself?_

Kuroo starts to feel like an ass. He never knew Keiji was in so much pain. That he’d _ever_ been in that much emotional pain.  He never showed it. Kuroo had always thought that’s just how he was. Who he was.

“He hasn’t realized I’m on campus yet. I see him a lot though. He misses so much class. He still didn’t want to make long term plans. He stayed too secretive. But, more or less, things were normal up until his birthday. Aside from him not wanting to tell us his birthday, there was his panic attack when he saw everyone. I didn’t get why he freaked out. Keiji’s not shy. Secluded, yes, but not shy. He seemed so happy by the end of it that I just let it go. Again. Our trips came and went. Keiji finally admitted to liking Kuroo. Then he left for his parents immediately after getting back.”

Kuroo frowns, remembering how Keiji seemed so sad at his parents and rarely texted back. How it remined him of summer.

“He hates his parents. I don’t care what he says. I don’t care if he thinks they’re good people. He hates them. Then, after that he got intimate and decided to date you, Tetsu. Do you see a pattern here?”

Kuroo slowly nods. “Gets depressed and then acts impulsively.”

_Like nothing matters and there’s no consequences._

“Exactly. It makes me wonder what happened before I saw him that day. What happened before I asked him out? What triggered that impulse?

Us three dating is what I wanted. We had our trip then and he just looked _so_ happy. But when we got back, he went back to barely speaking to us. It didn’t make sense. He started going to class more. Then there’s that trip that he’d never mentioned. He kept making excuses. I let weeks pass by before I just went there. I’m sorry I didn’t get you too, but I thought if we both showed up he’d be pissed. He’d feel cornered. So, I went alone. I’m sorry.

He didn’t seem at all surprised to see me. As soon as he let me in, I noticed that things were missing, and it was much cleaner than usual. He’d bagged up all of our things to give back to us. Everything, Tetsu. Kenma the game you’d given him was even in Kuroo’s bag.” Bokuto shakes his head slightly. “He seemed really sad all night. I thought he was going to break up with me. We had sex and he cried during it. Not like a pain or loving cry, but a sad cry. He acted like that wasn’t it. Keiji’s skittish, so I don’t push things unless I know. If I start asking without direction, the walls go up.”

Bokuto inhales sharply. “This is where I fucked up. I’ve been fucking up, but I didn’t realize it until this point. I thought if I could just keep pushing through that something would click and everything would be okay. It was dumb. I’m so stupid.”

Kuroo scoots beside Bokuto and wraps his arm around his shoulders. Bokuto flinches at the contact.

“Keiji was in the shower and I was cleaning up a vase of dead flowers I’d knocked over. There were petals everywhere, so I had to move the bookshelf out to get them all. I noticed a crumpled-up paper back there. I picked it up to throw away since I was already there. I un-wadded it to make sure it was nothing important before I threw it away. I’m so fucking grateful I did. Otherwise I would’ve missed it. I would’ve never put it together. Even then, I was so torn by something on it, I still didn’t realize it at first. Keiji got out of the shower before I could finish it, so I pocketed it for later. I had to make sure I’d read it correctly.”

Bokuto unclenches his free hand to reveal a paper. He starts to cry and passes it to Kuroo to look at before covering his face with both hands.

“Don’t hate me. I wanted to tell you. I thought not telling you would help me protect Keiji.”

_Protect him? Why would he need to protect Keiji?_

Kuroo slowly smooths out the paper. His throat is dry and he’s not sure what he’s expecting. He knows whatever is on this paper is a source of misery. It’s cursed.

His eyes run over a messy list in Keiji’s hand writing.

“One: Finish writing The Sky and Guilt. What’s The Sky and Guilt?”

Bokuto offers a muffled response, hands still covering his face. “I think it’s the book Keiji’s been writing on since before we met. It’s why he always has pen and paper.”

“Two: Give everyone their possessions back.”

_He’s already trying to do that._

“Three:” Kuroo watches as Bokuto’s shoulders raise up to his ears as he tries to hide himself like a turtle. “Break things off with Bokuto and Kuroo.”

_What?_

Kuroo stares at number three trying to make it change. Trying to understand it.

_Why both of us? Keiji has been dating Bo for a long time. We just started dating. If he was going to break up with anyone, it’d make more sense to break up with me._

His mouth is too dry to read the next one. Kenma leans over and snatches the paper from him. They read over it silently at first, their eyes getting wider and a small pained sound comes through before they quietly reading the rest aloud.

“Four: donate everything else. Five: terminate lease. Six: graduate. Seven: put the last of my savings in an account for my parents. Eight: go on” Kenma pauses, starting to sob, “go on my last trip.” They set the paper face down on the table before silently walking to the bathroom and locking the door. There’s sounds of them vomiting and more crying shortly after.

Bokuto’s wailing again, hands still covering face, and leaning away from Kuroo.

“Don’t-don’t h-ate meee.”

Kuroo stares dead at the piece of paper for the longest, trying to connect strings together.

“Is this-“ he takes a dry and painful swallow, “is this a suicide plan?”

Bokuto nods his head in his hands and cries harder.

_Keiji. Keiji, no. Why? Is this why you’ve been pushing us away? Is this why you blew up on Bo and kicked him out? Is this what you’ve been hiding? Why I always felt like you’d disappear?_

Kuroo feels the tears silently running down his face before his sorrow catches up to his body.

_Fuck. Fuck no. No, no, no, no, no. This can’t be right._

He feels his chest tighten and his body start to hyperventilate.

_We have to go to Keiji now._

He starts to stand, but Bokuto grabs him and shakes his head.

“Kenma’s right. We can’t ambush him. We’ll lose our chance if we do.”

Kuroo breaks down sobbing, holding Bokuto tightly.

**. . .**

The next time Akaashi wakes up, the sun is shining brightly in his face. He’d read that some people die because they’ve given up mentally and their body follows suit. He curses to himself at that load of bullshit. Rationally, he knew that if it had been true, he’d have died long ago. He still pined for it to be true, though. Still in his piss-soaked clothes, he slowly gets up and heads to the shower and uses the absolute hottest water that will come out. What else is there to do when nothing matters and you’re just waiting to die?

Even though he’s overheated and in mental anguish, he still can’t fall back asleep. His body won’t let him anymore. The guilt of hurting Bokuto still forefront. It kept replaying over and over again. If he’s not seeing it when his eyes are shut, he’s hearing the sound of Bokuto sobbing.

_I never deserved a second of your time. You should never have asked me out. I should’ve known my place and not selfishly agreed just so I could have a modicum of enjoyment before I died. Disgusting. You’re disgusting Keiji. Worthless. Greedy._

Death won’t come for him no matter how much he wishes for it. Left with nothing else to do, he grabs his phone and browses the internet aimlessly in a poor attempt to distract his mind from thinking, stoutly ignoring the fifty-nine messages he had.

He goes from site to site unamused. Nothing can lessen the pain he feels. The distraction isn’t working. If anything, it’s making it worse. He holds back from crying more. He doesn’t get to cry anymore. He did this.

When the sun starts to set, he sits on the balcony debating if he should jump or not. It’s only three stories and it probably wouldn’t kill him. He deserved the pain of falling from there. Maybe he’d get lucky and snap his neck.

Deciding against causing other people problems by visible attempted suicide, he goes back in the apartment to grab the only bottle of booze he had and his phone. He drinks straight from the bottle while listening to music he had with Bokuto and Kuroo.

**. . .**

Kenma’s the first to recover. They shakily make their way back to the living room and sink into the couch where the laptop is. They stare at it frowning. “I think Keiji went back to sleep.”

Bokuto and Kuroo are still clinging to each other and crying.

“How do we know he’s sleeping? How do we know he’s not-“

No one can say the word.

“It’s four in the morning. It’s only normal that he’d be sleeping at this time. We need to use this time to figure out what we’re going to do. What we _can_ do.” Kenma turns the list back over and starts typing.

“Uh.” Bokuto shakily starts. “That’s why I’ve been going there incessantly. I was trying to show him all the good things in life so maybe I could inadvertently change his mind.” He whines and looks back at the floor. “That’s what we fought about. I wasn’t giving him space. He blew up and told me not to contact him at all unless he contacted me first. I’m not too sure if he’ll even acknowledge my existence right now.”

“It’s okay, Koutarou. You don’t have to do this on your own. We’re all here for Keiji.”

“I don’t think Keiji’s going to talk to me either.” Kuroo admits. “Remember I sent him a lot of angry text messages? He wasn’t responding before this. I really don’t think he will now.”

“Koutarou, you said Tooru was the one to barge in last time, right? And it worked?”

Bokuto nods softly.

“Kuro, you text Tooru and tell him it’s an emergency. That’s plan A. I don’t think Keiji will let him in either, though.” Kenma types furiously at their computer.

Kuroo’s glad Kenma’s so good at reading people and strategizing.

“Should we contact his parents or the police?” Kuroo raises an eyebrow. “Shouldn’t they be option A? They’re better equipped to deal with this than we are. We don’t know anything about depression or how to help.”

“NO!” Bokuto shouts nearly jumping up but is staggered by Kuroo still clutching on to him. “Keiji _hates_ his parents. Talking to them would only make things worse. They’re not good for him. Same with the police. He’d lie to them with a straight face. He’s been doing the same thing to us this entire time. They only reason we found out is because I _stumbled_ upon his plan. A stranger isn’t going to know if he’s lying. He’s calm and calculating. He can get out of any situation.”

“What about the hospital? Can’t we have him detained there for a psych evaluation?” Kuroo whines, knowing it’s a terrible fucking idea, but he’s desperate.

_Keiji can hate me if it keeps him safe._

Bokuto shakes his head softly. “Same there. He knows what answers to give the doctors to be released. As soon as they do, he’d book it out of town.”

“There has to be something! There has to be someone that can help! Some professional! What if we fuck up and make it worse or hurt him?”

Bokuto gives a whimper and starts to shrink into himself. Kuroo looks at him wide-eyed realizing what he just said. What he just insinuated that Bo was already carrying around with him, but Kuroo hadn’t realized yet.

_He thinks he’s helped kill Keiji. That he’s pushed him closer to the edge._

“No. Bo. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not blaming you for anything.” Kuroo squeezes him tighter. “I’m proud of you for trying to save Keiji. I’m not saying you were right by not telling us, but I understand why you didn’t. You did what you thought was right. I’m not mad at you. I’m just frustrated. I want to help him before he does something drastic or drops off the map. I just don’t know what.”

Bokuto whines and loses what composure he’d been holding on to. “I’m sorry I was arrogant, and I thought I could save Keiji by myself. It was so, so, stupid. If I would’ve told you, then maybe we could’ve avoided this. Maybe it wouldn’t have gotten this bad.”

“No. Don’t beat yourself up over this. You tried. It’s okay.” Kuroo runs a hand over Bokuto’s head.

“You’re both right. Conventional means won’t help us here. If we opt for those, then we’ve lost Keiji. Those are our absolute last choices. We can’t beat ourselves up over this. We need to focus all our energy on saving Keiji. Aside from us, Tooru, and Hajime, is there anyone else who has a great amount of influence over Keiji?”

Kuroo looks toward Bokuto hoping he’d come up with at least one more name. Anyone. The only friends Kuroo knew Keiji had were mutual friends of theirs.

Bokuto frowns and shakes his head. “I don’t think Keiji had any friends beside Oikawa and Iwaizumi before we met and even then, I don’t think he spent time with them. He keeps in touch with our friends, but he’s not close with any of them.”

“Okay.” Kenma sighs. “Shit.”

_Shit is right. What are we going to do?_

“Everyone search suicide intervention. We’ll see if we can find something useful.”

**. . .**

Keiji hurls into the toilet. The almost empty bottle of booze is rolling around somewhere on the balcony spilling what was left. He manages to wipe his mouth before lurching again. He can’t count how many times he’s vomited now, nor does he care. He just wishes he’d stop so he could go buy more booze. He wasn’t nearly drunk enough yet.

He lurches one more time before sprucing up to go to the liquor store. It’s at times like these he’s grateful he always has a stoic expression. If the clerk thought he was drunk, he wouldn’t be able to buy more booze. No more booze meant no way to drown out his sorrow or his life.

_I finally see why people spend their life drunk. Nothing matters when you’re drunk._

He buys three more bottles. He doesn’t know how much alcohol it takes to kill someone, but he hasn’t been eating and doesn’t weigh much, so he doesn’t think he’ll need a lot. If the booze doesn’t do it, he can add some pain killers to the mix. A good ‘ole Neapolitan booze cocktail can take anyone out.

_It’s a shame I don’t know any drug dealers. Heroin would be nice, I bet._

**. . .**

They search for hours and don’t find a viable solution. There’s suicide hotlines, therapy, medicine, forcible restraining, and mental health facilities. Most of it could only work if Keiji was willing and Keiji was the opposite of willing. It seemed like most places required a person to want to live. The irony of it made them all sick. The feeling of helplessness made it even worse.

There still hadn’t been any response from him. There hadn’t been any activity from his phone either. Kenma kept reassuring Bokuto that Keiji was just sleeping, but it didn’t help the uneasy churning in his stomach.

The only consolation was Japan’s gun laws. There was no way Keiji could own or get a gun.

**. . .**

Keiji passes out on the balcony with another mostly empty bottle in hand. His phone died long ago so he had been sitting there in silence just staring at the night sky. It was beautiful. He remembers thinking he wishes he could float up into the sky and aimlessly drift throughout space observing planets, dust clouds, and everything else space could offer. He couldn’t even remember what was in space anymore. He just knew he loved it. Space always seemed so breathtaking and so, so far away. Maybe in space he could float away from all his problems.

_You can’t float away from your problems if you are the problem. No matter where you go, you can’t escape._

**. . .**

Kenma forces Bokuto and Kuroo to take a nap. They hadn’t slept yet either, but they stayed hyper-fixed at their computer trying to analyze some way to help. To come up with some strategy. Oikawa and Iwaizumi hadn’t contacted them back yet.

Both Bokuto and Kuroo stare at each other in Kuroo’s bed, too exhausted to cry, and too apprehensive to sleep.

**. . .**

The sun wakes Akaashi up eventually. He covers his eyes with his arm and tries not to vomit.

“Fuck you, you damn asshole.” He grumbles at the sun before grabbing his bottle and crawling back inside. The room feels like it’s swaying underneath him even though he’s laying firmly on the floor. He faintly remembers earthquakes exist. And then nausea hits him. He manages to peel himself off the floor before running back to the balcony and puking over the edge. He didn’t even look to see if there was anyone down there. He stumbles back in, stubbing his toe on the bookshelf on the way. The last bouquet of flowers Bokuto had left is still sitting there. Looking at it makes his chest hurt.

_I don’t fucking deserve you. I never fucking deserved his kindness. I never deserved any of their fucking kindness!_

He grabs the vase and throws it across the room. It smashes against the opposite wall and glass, water, and flowers splay everywhere.

“That’s right. That’s how I fucking feel.” He growls staring at the shattered glass on the floor.

His attention diverts back down to the bookcase where the succulent Bokuto had given him ages ago was. It had been thriving and even bloomed thanks to Bokuto watering it when he forgot. He stares at it disdainfully wanting to destroy it but not wanting to hurt something Bokuto loved. He couldn’t hurt Bokuto more. He picks the booze back up and starts chugging it. He doesn’t know what to do beside drink. Nothing mattered. Drinking was his only way out.

**. . .**

At some point around noon, both Kuroo and Kenma pass out from exhaustion. Bokuto can’t sleep, so he sneaks out of the apartment. He goes to the park near Keiji’s apartment. He knows Keiji is probably still fuming and doesn’t want to see him. Won’t acknowledge him. The park is the closest he feels like he can get safely right now. If Keiji leaves his apartment, Bokuto will be able to see him. Knowing that he was okay is the most important thing right now.

He waits hours and Keiji’s door doesn’t budge. There’s lots of people in the apartment coming and going, but none to his door.

*** * ***

Keiji hurls into the toilet again. He’d just finished his third bottle and was only vomiting alcohol and bile by this point. He kept getting too drunk to remember to keep drinking steadily, so he hadn’t been able to consume it fast enough for it to all be in his system. Not to mention the vomiting.

It didn’t matter how much he vomited, though. He was blackout drunk with no intention of sobering up anytime soon. The stream of thoughts just kept going through his head stronger and stronger with the second.

_Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Just end it. You’re a burden to others. You’re scum. Everyone would be so much happier without you. Think about it. You wouldn’t have to feel pain anymore. It’s the only way. Things won’t get better. You’re going to feel like this forever. You’re going to be a piece of trash forever. Do yourself a favor. Do everyone a favor. They want you to do it. You’re so drunk you won’t even feel it._

Akaashi stumbles out of the bathroom. He grabs the empty bottle to take a swig but nothing reaches him. He frowns at it and chunks it against the wall causing it to shatter as well.

_You could do it with all the broken glass you’ve made today. Glass that other people will have to clean._

He lets out a choked sob before walking back to the bathroom and turning on the tub. He lets it start to fill before going back out to the balcony. The sun is starting to set, and he rests his head on the rail staring at it. After the blue of the sky there’s mostly pink and yellows. Orange is beginning to peek though. There’s clouds at the horizon making shapes and casting shadows over each other.

_I hope this is the last thing I remember before I die. I don’t want to remember Koutarou and Tetsurou. It hurts too much._

Hearing the water spill over the tub, he walks back inside, not caring to close the balcony door. He grabs a knife as he passes the kitchen, tumping over other utensils in the process. They fall with a clatter and mix in with the water that’s starting to pour into the kitchen. In the bathroom he gets in the tub fully clothed, setting the knife on the edge of the tub. He doesn’t turn the water off. He calmly rolls up his sleeves and stares at his wrists. He doesn’t like pain. He doesn’t want to do it this way. Alcohol didn’t work. Pills didn’t work. Wishing didn’t work. He couldn’t get a gun. Hanging could leave him alive but paralyzed. If he tried to drown himself it probably wouldn’t work and would hurt more. There was no way in hell he was setting himself on fire. This was the only way he could end it. The only way he could end his pain and suffering.

_What’s physical pain compared to the pain I feel inside? The sting will be temporary._

He grabs the knife off the side of the tub, stares at his left wrist briefly, before quickly sliding the blade diagonally across his wrist as deeply as possible.

He drops the knife in surprise at how much it hurts. He lets out a choked sob and holds his wrist out of instinct. He takes a few deep breaths before trying to reach for the knife with his left hand, pain shooting throughout him and blood leaking out. Weakly, he manages to slice partially through his other wrist, though not as deep as the first.

He sinks down into the bathtub with both wrists and the knife in the water. He’s starting to get dizzy and his heart is pounding so hard it sounds like a horse galloping.

_It hurts._

He doesn’t feel better. He doesn’t feel happier. He doesn’t feel the release of internal pain or relief to die.

He doesn’t feel like he’s made the right choice.

But it’s too late. He’s starting to lose consciousness and he feels cold even though the water was at the hottest setting. His eyes slip closed and he falls further in the tub, too drunk and losing too much blood to fight back.

_I’m sorry Koutarou. I’m sorry Tetsurou. I really did love you both._

The last thing he remembers is hearing Bokuto’s voice and feeling afraid.

**. . .**

The sun is starting to set and Bokuto is still staring at Keiji’s apartment door willing it to open. Willing the universe to let Keiji be okay. He won’t be able to stay out here much longer without raising suspicion.

He hears his phone ringing and snaps his eyes away for a brief second, figuring Kuroo or Kenma had woken up and was making sure he was okay and wasn’t fucking up more. He cocks an eyebrow when he sees Yamaguchi’s name. He’d given Yamaguchi his number in case of him having questions for class, but Bokuto hadn’t been working the last couple of days. He shoots Keiji’s door another look before reluctantly answering.

“What’s up?”

“Hey! Uh. Sorry to bother you, but this might be important?” Yamaguchi doesn’t sound too sure of himself. He’s got that breathy nervous voice he gets sometimes.

“What is it?” Bokuto’s irritated, already starting to lose interest and staring back at Keiji’s door.

“So, uh. You know I live in the same apartment complex as Akaashi-san, right?”

Bokuto’s eyebrow’s furrow. He didn’t know that.

Yamaguchi speedily continues without giving him a chance to answer. “I’ve heard glass breaking twice over there now today. His balcony door is open and it looks like there’s water flowing over it now. I just thou-“

“FUCK!” Bokuto shouts before sprinting toward Keiji’s building. “CALL 119 NOW!”

Bokuto sprints up the stairs and runs to Keiji’s door. It’s locked, so he pounds on it, praying that he was over reacting. There’s no answer and he can hear the water running over the blood pounding in his hears.

_FUCK THIS!_

Bokuto slams his body against the door several times until it breaks. There’s voices behind him that he doesn’t fully register. Getting arrested for breaking and entering is the least of his worries right now. He runs in, glass crunching under his shoes. The bathroom door is open, and water is pouring out.

Keiji is in the tub. He’s pale and unconscious. The water is too red.

“No! No! No! No! No!” Bokuto pulls him out of the water and checks for a pulse. It’s faint, but it’s still there. He shoots up to grab some towels, hoping to stop the bleeding. “Fuck! Where is that ambulance?”

Keiji’s still bleeding and he’s not waking up.

Bokuto cradles him, tears streaming down his face. “Keiji don’t leave me. Don’t leave us. I love you so much. Don’t go.” He whimpers. “Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide Prevention Hotline numbers
> 
> Australia: 131114  
> Brazil: 212339191  
> Canada: 5147234000  
> China: 85223820000  
> France: 0145394000  
> Germany: 08001810771  
> India: 8888817666  
> Italy: 800850022  
> Japan: 810352869090  
> Mexico:5255102550  
> New Zealand: 045861048  
> Russia: 0078202577577  
> South Africa: 0514445691  
> UK: 08457907070  
> US: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> Don’t give up. Keep pushing. It gets better.
> 
>  
> 
> **Also: If anyone thought Keiji’s suicide attempt was glamorized/romanticized anywhere let me know so I can fix it. That was not at all my intent.**


	22. Chapter 22

When Kuroo wakes up to an empty bed, he yearns for Bo to be using the bathroom or just in the apartment somewhere. Anywhere.

“Bo?” Kuroo sleepily calls out.

He’s met with silence.

“Shit.” He fumbles with the covers and throws them off before sleepily stumbling into the living room.

Kenma’s in the kitchen passed out with laptop still clutched firmly in hands. Kuroo checks all the over rooms before cussing under his breath. He tries Bo’s phone, but he gets voicemail.

“Fuck.” Kuroo rubs his head before taking his chances waking Kenma up. He nudges them a few times before their eyes start to barely open in a glare at him.

“What?”

“Bo’s missing.”

Kenma startles into an upright position.

“He didn’t tell you he was going anywhere then?”

“No. I must’ve passed out.” Kenma starts typing on their computer rapidly trying to track Bokuto’s whereabouts. They give a deep sigh and show the screen to Kuroo.

“Why the fuck is he at Keiji’s?” Kuroo growls before running back to his room for clothes.

“I’m going with you.” Kenma calls sleepily before abandoning their laptop.

They’re out the door within five minutes.

**. . .**

Bokuto sits petrified in the ambulance. He’s not sure anything is real right now. Paramedics are talking rapidly and trying desperately to stop the bleeding. There’s sirens and the driver’s speeding. He can’t feel his body.

_It’s not real. None of this is real. It’s all a bad dream. I’m going to wake up and Keiji and Tetsurou are going to be in bed with me. We’re going to eat and then watch a shitty movie. They’re going to tease me about my movie choices. We’re going to goof around and laugh until we all cry. We’re going to plan a trip for when Keiji graduates. I’m going to ask him to move in with me. No. This isn’t real._

**. . .**

When they get near Keiji’s apartment, they can see that the door is open and there’s a couple of people standing around. Kuroo and Kenma shoot each other terrified looks before sprinting the rest of the way.

“Uh.” Kuroo huffs, out of breath from running up the stairs. Kenma is behind him somewhere still making their way. “What’s going on here?”

One of the people turn and look at him with a frown. “I’m sorry, bu-“

“MY BOYFRIEND LIVES HERE! WHAT HAPPENED?” Kuroo yells desperately not caring that he just outed himself and Keiji. He needs answers.

The two look at him stunned by his outburst. Kuroo feels Kenma tugging at his shirt, letting him know he needs to calm down or they’re going to be asked to leave without getting answers. They’re not answering, only staring. Kuroo’s stewing, getting ready for another explosion, when he hears footsteps inside the apartment running toward them.

“Kuroo?” A freckled boy pops from the doorway with a mop in hand.

“Yamaguchi?” Kuroo perplexedly asks. He’d seen Yamaguchi several times when he’d stop by the university to see Bo, but him being in Keiji’s apartment didn’t make any sense.

“Oh, fuck. Bokuto-san is at the hospital. They uh. Keiji-“ he trails off looking uncomfortable.

“Which hospital?” Kuroo’s already starting to run toward the stairs.

“Hospital A!”

**. . .**

They find Bokuto in the ER staring at the floor. He’s got blood all over him and he doesn’t seem to be aware of any of his surroundings considering there’s a kid screaming and someone tweaked out within twenty feet of him. Kuroo and Kenma sit on either side of him and wrap their arms around him tightly. They don’t speak at first and Bokuto doesn’t even acknowledge they’re there or touching him.

Kuroo stares at Bokuto’s face. His honey-amber eyes are locked on the floor barely blinking. His jaw is set tight. There’s a smear of blood on his cheek. His eyes are dry. He’d finally cried all he could. Kuroo tries to rub the blood off. It comes off easily, which makes his stomach knot; it was fresh.

Bokuto still doesn’t seem to notice they’re there. Kuroo wraps an arm around his head and pulls Bokuto against his chest.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. Keiji’s going to be okay.”

At the sound of Keiji’s name, Bokuto’s shoulders begin to shake and he starts hyperventilating.

“It’s okay. Let it out.”

Kenma starts to sniffle and ducks their head under Bokuto’s arm so that he’s holding them. They cling tightly to him and cry into his shirt, hating letting other people see them cry.

**. . .**

They stay like that for hours until a doctor finally has time to come talk to them.

“You’re here for Akaashi Keiji, correct?”

Bokuto doesn’t even move. He continues to stare at the floor.

“Yes.” Kenma pulls themself from Bokuto and stares weakly at the doctor.

“He’s going to be okay. He lost a lot of blood and is going to need time to recover. Due to the nature of his,” the doctor pauses, trying to find a way to frame his attempted suicide gently, “accident, we’re going to keep him for a few days, mostly under a slight sedative to give his body some time to recover before his mind catches up. Overall, with time, he’ll be okay. There will be scars, though, especially on his left wrist. We would like to call his parents and discuss forcibly having him in a psychiatric ward until he’s stable enough to not be a threat to himself.”

“No!” Bokuto finally comes to life and jumps to his feet. “His parents are part of the reason why he’s here. He doesn’t trust them and they’re not good for him. I will take care of him and ensure he’s being watched at all times and gets the proper treatments. Nothing will ever happen to him again!”

“You do understand that he’s at a high risk for attempting again?”

Bokuto’s fist clench and tears start to stream down his face. “I know. I know that you think it’s best to have him contained, but it’ll drive him more to” Bokuto bites his lip not able to finish.

The doctor sighs and rubs their face with their hand. “Regardless, we’ll hold him for a few days. In that time, please think carefully about this. After he’s conscious we can’t go against his wishes if he appears to be of sound mind, so what you choose is vital now. If you still decide to not put him in the psychiatric ward, I’ll make sure my nurses provide you with referrals for psychologists and psychiatrists as well as information regarding depression and suicide.”

Bokuto stands there shaking and trembling, tears still running down his face.

“Thank you, doctor.” Kenma pipes up. “When can we see him?”

“I’m not sure yet. With the sedative and blood loss he’s going to be asleep for a while. I won’t allow visitors until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest. He had a high blood alcohol content as well. His body is going to need time to recover without the emotional strain. Go home and try to get some sleep until then. We’ll call you if there’s any drastic changes.”

Kuroo’s head jolts back in surprise.

_Keiji doesn’t like to drink. Why was he drinking?_

“Thank you.”

Kuroo sits there stunned, helpless and lost.

“You guys can go home if you want.” Bokuto mumbles, back still to them and shaking. “I’m not. I’m staying until they let me see him. I have to apologize. This is all my fault. It’s just like before. I couldn’t do anything to stop it.”

“Koutarou, it’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault.” Kenma gets up to hold Bo’s hand. “What do you mean by before?”

Bokuto’s body just shakes and he sniffs.

“When we were young something similar happened to a couple of classmates. We barely knew them, but Bo still holds himself partially accountable.”

“I should’ve known.”

“No, Koutarou. Let’s go home.”

“I won’t.”

Kenma gives Kuroo a pleading look.

Kuroo shakes his head trying to will his brain to work again. “Kou, please come home with us. You need sleep.”

“No.”

“Please. You’re covered in blood.”

“I said no.”

“Kou.” Kuroo gets up and hugs him from behind. “Keiji’s going to need us when he wakes up. We can’t help if we don’t take care of ourselves. How do you think he’ll feel if he wakes up to you still covered-.” Kuroo clears his throat, not wanting to say it, but needing Bo to hear it. “Covered in his blood. How do you think he’d react?”

Bokuto shakes more in Kuroo’s arms. “It’s my fault.”

“Koutarou, no. Keiji has a chemical imbalance. He knows that. Depression isn’t something you can just will away. He needs medication and therapy. He has to make the choice to do that. All we can do is support him and try to protect him.”

He’s still crying but doesn’t respond. Kuroo cries silently into his neck.

“I know you feel helpless and scared right now but we need you to come home for a bit. I can’t have you in the hospital too. Kenma’s right. Keiji needs us. If we go home, we’re not abandoning him. It doesn’t mean we love him any less if we go home. The best way to help him is to take care of ourselves right now. You can’t see him covered in blood not having ate or slept for a day or two. It’ll hurt him more. We’ll go home for now to recuperate and come back tomorrow afternoon when they’ll let us see him.”

“I hate it when you’re right.”

“I know. I don’t want to be right, right now anyway.”

**. . .**

Kenma gets them a cab back home. They still barely manage to get Bokuto into the cab even though he’d agreed to leave. As soon as they get back, Kenma silently goes back to their room and locks the door. There’s crashing noises shortly after. Kuroo looks toward the door solemnly knowing that they’re hurting just as much even though they’re trying not to show it. It didn’t matter that Kenma wasn’t Akaashi’s lover like he and Bo were. They had a special bond with him that they didn’t have with many people.

He and Bo shower together. Bo’s barely moving on his own, so Kuroo washes all the blood off him that soaked through his clothes. He has to bite back tears. If he loses it again, Bo will lose it and there was no guarantee that he wouldn’t end up back in the ER lobby waiting.

It takes time, but Kuroo succeeds in getting Bo into bed. Kuroo wraps one leg around him tightly and holds him against his chest. He silently cries. Bokuto stares into space, unaware of the world around him.

**. . .**

When the sun starts to peek through, Kuroo wakes up to Bokuto still firmly in his grasp but still awake. He sleepily kisses his forehead.

“You didn’t sleep, did you?” he frowns.

Bokuto shakes his head.

Kuroo squeezes him tightly. “You should try to sleep. You have to sleep.”

“I can’t. I don’t want to miss it if the hospital calls.”

“We won’t. You know I’m a light sleeper.”

Bokuto shakes his head again. “I can’t. I keep seeing him lying there covered in his own blood.”

Kuroo doesn’t know what to say. There’s nothing he can say. He just squeezes Bo until he falls back asleep.

**. . .**

The next time he wakes up, Bo is gone and there’s the smell of food cooking. Kuroo jumps out of bed and runs in there. Kenma is cooking. Bo is staring out the window, dead to the world.

Kuroo sighs and rubs his forehead before walking over to Bo and giving him a kiss on the cheek and a hug. Bokuto doesn’t acknowledge him. Kuroo holds him for a bit longer before going to Kenma and hugging them. They let him without protest.

“After lunch we’re going back to the hospital.”

“Any word?”

Kenma shakes their head softly.

“Maybe this is one of those cases where no news is good news?” Kuroo tries.

Kenma looks at him before they dart their eyes over to Bokuto. “I suppose so.” They sigh and start to make a plate. “Pack some things for Koutarou. If they let Keiji have visitors, I doubt he’s going to leave unless they kick him out of the hospital.”

“I probably won’t either.”

“You’ll have to.”

“Why?”

“You said you’d walk the dogs for him. Not to mention, you need to talk to your own professors.”

“Shit. Okay. After I get done with that I’ll join you two. Are you going to be able to handle Bo until then?”

“I think so. As long as we’re there, he’ll be fine. I’ll shove food down his throat if I have to.”

“Just,” Kuroo pauses, “be gentle, okay? You know what he thinks, right”

Kenma looks back over to Bo softly. “I know.”

“Okay.” Kuroo gives Kenma a soft kiss on the temple. “How are you holding up? I’ve been so focused on Bo and myself I’ve forgotten how much you care for Keiji too.”

Kenma latches on to Kuroo and silently sobs. “I just want him to wake up. I just want to see him and play games with him again.”

“You will. You will.” Kuroo strokes their hair, holding back his own tears.

“I’m scared, Kuro.”

“I know. It’s okay. Keiji’s strong. He’ll make it through this.”

**. . .**

Kuroo leaves after lunch. He gives Bo and Kenma a big hug before going. Bo still isn’t responding much to them. He did eat a little, so there’s at least that. It’s one of the few small victories they’ve had in the last several days.

Talks with his professors are awkward. At first, he tries to just tell them he needs to take an excused leave, but they wouldn’t let him without a legitimate reason. So, he tells them his boyfriend just attempted suicide and his other boyfriend is on the edge of a mental breakdown, if not already in the middle of one. He’s met with stunned looks and awkward apologies. The professor whose class he’d run out of gives him an understanding nod and tells him to take all the time he needs.

There’s still time before he’s supposed to pick up the dogs, so he stops by Keiji’s apartment. He doesn’t have a key or even know if he’d be able to get in, but Keiji’s door was broken down yesterday, so he wanted to check on that. Keiji didn’t have much stuff, but it’d be devastating if he came home to nothing.

Thankfully, the door had been replaced with a new freshly painted door and there was a note attached to it.

**Bokuto-san or Kuroo-san – I cleaned Akaashi-san’s apartment. The landlord agreed to give me a spare key to let you use if you need anything. I’m in apartment #315 and my number is XXX-XXXX-XXXX. – Yamaguchi**

_You’re a lifesaver, Yams._

Kuroo pockets the note before searching for Yamaguchi’s apartment. He knocks quietly on the door, unsure if Yamaguchi would even be home. As soon as the door opens, the wind gets knocked out of him by Yamaguchi. Kuroo dazedly pats him on the back.

“Is Akaashi-san okay?”

He’s crying. Kuroo can’t figure out why he’s crying for someone he’s never met.

“He’s okay as he can be. He’s not up yet though.”

“What about Bokuto-san?”

“Unresponsive to the world. I think he’ll be okay after Keiji wakes up.”

Yamaguchi hums and nod before finally detaching himself from Kuroo. He rubs the tears from his face.

“Uh. Thanks for cleaning Keiji’s apartment. You didn’t have to do that.”

“Don’t worry about it. I wanted to help however I could. It, uh. It wasn’t something either of you needed to see. I didn’t want him to come back home to it.”

Kuroo places his hand on Yamaguchi’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

“Oh! Uh. The key. You want it right?” He slips away from Kuroo and disappears into his apartment. When he reappears, he holds a key out for Kuroo. “Akaashi-san never took the second key that goes to that apartment, so the landlord said you can keep it.”

Kuroo clutches the key tightly in his hand. “Thank you again. If you need anything, let me know. I’ll make sure to repay you.”

Yamaguchi shakes his head. “Don’t. I’ll come by and visit him later, okay?”

“Okay.” Kuroo nods before walking back to Keiji’s apartment without another word.

He’s not prepared to go in Keiji’s apartment. He doesn’t want to know what it looks like or to find blood anywhere. There’s not enough time in the world for him to prepare. He holds his breath and opens the door anyway. He has to be brave for his boyfriends.

Yamaguchi did a good job of cleaning. There’s spots here and there were you can tell had been soaked by water, but other than that, it looked normal. Everything was in place and smelled nice. He’d even made Keiji’s bed and thrown out old food. It was almost too clean.

Kuroo feels that unsettling weight on his chest, but he pushes on, grabbing clothes and a few books for Keiji. His phone is sitting on the table but there’s a note sitting by it saying it had sustained water damage and may not work anymore. He grabs it and the charger anyway. He debates if he should grab Keiji’s laptop too but decides against it. He won’t be able to resist the temptation to not give into reading The Sky and Guilt.

_Shit. What do we do about his professors?_

He groans and holds his head. It’s not their place to tell Keiji’s professors what’s happening. If Keiji stays gone like this, they’ll drop him. There’s only a month and a half until the semester ends. He doesn’t want Keiji to lose his last semester of work and have to repeat it. He wouldn’t graduate, and he’d lose his scholarships.

_I’ll have to ask Kenma. They’ll know what’s best._

After that, he’s off to Bo’s apartment to get the dog harnesses and belt that he uses to walk the dogs. He’s never walked the dogs on his own before, but he’s been with Bokuto several times while he did. Thankfully, the dogs like him. It’s awkward talking to the owners, but he promises to do his best and keep their pets safe.

Normally, the slobbering joyous horde of fur would cheer him up. It doesn’t help at all. After they’ve walked a long time, Kuroo sits with them in the park by Bo’s garden. It’s a mess and hasn’t been tended to in weeks, probably since Keiji had started avoiding them. Hatsuharu, always the friendliest of the bunch, and now almost fully grown, lays in his lap and whines. He scratches behind Hatsuharu’s ears absentmindedly.

“I know, buddy. Everything’s a mess. Bo will be back soon as chipper as ever, I promise.”

He tries to do his best to make sure the dogs get enough exercise and have fun, but his heart’s just not in it. It’s at the hospital with his boyfriends and Kenma. Kenma hasn’t texted him, so he assumes that everything is okay as it can be.

**. . .**

[ **Kenma** ]: They let us in to see him.

[ **Kenma** ]: He’s not up yet. Still sedated.

[ **Kenma** ]: Koutarou is just holding his hand and staring at Keiji

[ **Kenma** ]: Aside from the bandages on his wrists he’s okay

[ **Kenma** ]: just… don’t freak out

[ **Kenma** ]: he’s okay.

[ **Kuroo** ]: returning dogs now. Omw.

**. . .**

Kuroo stands outside Keiji’s room. He’s terrified of what he’s going to see when he goes in. Of what’s going to happen. He presses on anyway. It’s the only thing he has. They always said not knowing was worse than knowing.

Bokuto is sitting with his back to the door staring at Keiji and Kenma is on the opposite side. When they hear Kuroo enter, they get up and come give him a hug.

“You stink.” They mumble into his chest.

“Sorry.” Kuroo rubs their back. “I’ll shower at some point tomorrow. Probably.” He looks over at Bo who is still staring intently at Keiji. “How are they?”

“Keiji is recovering. They’re giving him blood and an IV. He probably won’t wake up until tomorrow, though. Koutarou, well, he hasn’t moved since they let us in. He hasn’t slept, Kuro. I’m worried.”

“It’ll be okay. We’ll keep watch over him. He’ll pass out eventually. If not, he might finally sleep after Keiji wakes up.”

Kenma nods before briskly turning around and walking back to their seat, sniffing and drying their eyes on the way. Kuroo follows slowly, bringing Keiji into full sight. He’s got blood and an IV dripping into him like Kenma said. There’s electrodes on him monitoring his heart rate. He’s pale but looks somewhat peaceful. It’s hard seeing him in the hospital like this. The worst part is the large bandages wrapped around each of his wrists. They span from the joint of his wrist to the middle of his forearm. If Bokuto hadn’t been there he would’ve bled to death. There’s no doubt they would’ve lost him.

He pulls a chair up silently beside Bo and wraps an arm around him, resting his head on his shoulder.

Then they wait.

**. . .**

The doctors don’t kick them out overnight even though there’s only supposed to be one person in there after visiting hours. They probably don’t have the heart to.

Bokuto finally passes out in the morning. Kuroo barely manages to carry him downstairs and get him into a taxi. Kenma goes with him and promises to wake him up in a few hours so he doesn’t get upset. Neither of them has any idea how they’re going to get him from the taxi into the apartment. Kuroo’s not leaving Keiji alone.

Kuroo goes back and watches Keiji. He softly pushes some hair back on his face. “I love you Keiji. Please wake up soon.”

**. . .**

Shortly after Bo and Kenma leave, Daichi and Suga show up. Kuroo looks at them perplexed. Suga sits beside him and hugs him while Daichi rests a hand on his shoulder.

“Kenma told us. They asked me to help get Bokuto inside.”

“Thank you.”

“How are you holding up?”

Kuroo stares over at Keiji. “Not the best.”

“It’s going to be okay.” Suga muffles from Kuroo’s shoulder.

He’s getting tired of hearing that phrase. Getting tired of forcing himself to think it. Of letting it come out of his own mouth. Nothings okay right now. Keiji tried to kill himself and is unconscious. Bo isn’t sleeping and is comatose. Kenma is nearing a panic attack and a breakdown. Kuroo’s just trying to hold himself together. The pieces are slipping away though.

He hums and goes back to watching Keiji. He’s not in the mood to talk.

Suga releases him and pulls some food from the bag he had with him. “I brought you some lunch since I figured you wouldn’t leave Keiji’s side all day. I know you probably won’t want to eat, but you should try.” He rummages around in his bag some more and pulls out a card along with a small stuffed owl. “This is for Keiji.”

“Thank you. He’s going to love it.”

Suga gives him a sad smile before placing the gift on the bedside table. They’re sitting in silence, unsure what to say, or if there’s even anything to say, when there’s a soft knock on the door.

The door opens followed by a soft “yoo-hoo”.

Kuroo stiffens before turning to see Oikawa and Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi sees the alarmed look in his eyes and moves in front of Oikawa to protect him in case Kuroo lashes out. It’s not off the table yet. Oikawa pushes him to the side lightly, stepping around him, and walks over to Kuroo. He stoops down and takes his hand.

“I’m not going to tell them. I know how much he hates them and how much they try to control his life. Aside from Keiji, I know it better than anyone. I’m not here to snitch or snoop. I’m only here to check on my friend.”

“Why didn’t you answer when we tried to contact you?” Kuroo grits out.

Iwaizumi approaches, still in defense mode. “We were out of town and that idiot forgot to pack our phone chargers. Since we were having a mini vacation, we didn’t think we’d need our phones. When we got back we saw your message, but then no one would answer. Kenma finally responded to us a bit ago.”

Kuroo sighs and looks back to Oikawa. “If his parents show up, I’ll never forgive you.”

Oikawa’s lips press into a thin line. “Neither would Keiji.” He stares at Kuroo intently before standing back up and taking the seat opposite of Kuroo. He holds Keiji’s hand, stroking it softly while watching him.

Iwaizumi goes to stand behind him, looking at Keiji sadly. There’s a suffocating silence. No one knows what to say or what to do. It feels like Keiji is dead.

_He’s not dead. This isn’t a viewing, dammit. He’s alive. He’s going to live and get better. He’s going to thrive. We’re going to see his smile and hear his laugh for decades still._

**. . .**

Throughout the day Keiji has several more visitors. It seems like everyone Kuroo’s ever seen Keiji come in contact with comes to see him. They all bring gifts and their condolences. If it weren’t so sad, Kuroo would be grateful. Keiji needed to know just how loved he is.

Kuroo just wishes they’d leave.

Kenma texts him around noon.

[ **Kenma** ]: I spoke with Keiji’s professors

[ **Kuroo** ]: shit

[ **Kuroo** ]: I forgot to ask you about that

[ **Kuroo** ]: what did you tell them?

[ **Kenma** ]: …………

[ **Kuroo** ]: no

[ **Kenma** ]: I’m sorry

[ **Kenma** ]: I thought about it for a long time

[ **Kenma** ]: the best path to take

[ **Kenma** ]: that was my conclusion

[ **Kenma** ]: Keiji will be mad

[ **Kuroo** ]: livid

[ **Kenma** ]: I can deal with that

[ **Kuroo** ]: what’d they say

[ **Kenma** ]: depends

[ **Kenma** ]: if he comes back, they’ll give him extra time to finish the semester

[ **Kenma** ]: if he doesn’t until after semester they’ll give him an incomplete

[ **Kenma** ]: he can work with them to finish later without repercussion

[ **Kenma** ]: he may not get his diploma until December, but he will graduate

[ **Kenma** ]: if he chooses to go back

[ **Kuroo** ]: thank you

[ **Kuroo** ]: how are things there?

[ **Kenma** ]: Koutarou’s still passed out. I’m going to give him a few more hours before I try to wake him

[ **Kenma** ]: I accidentally dropped a cup earlier and he didn’t wake up though

[ **Kenma** ]: I may not be able to

[ **Kuroo** ]: he’s exhausted

[ **Kuroo** ]: let him sleep

[ **Kuroo** ]: if something happens, slap him until he wakes up

[ **Kuroo** ]: what about you?

[ **Kenma** ]: better

[ **Kenma** ]: hope he wakes up soon

[ **Kuroo** ]: he will

[ **Kenma** ]: You holding up?

[ **Kuroo** ]: better than I thought

[ **Kuroo** ]: everyone keeps visiting

[ **Kuroo** ]: I’m glad they’re here for Keiji

[ **Kuroo** ]: but I just want them to leave

[ **Kuroo** ]: they act like he’s dead

[ **Kuroo** ]: HE’S NOT DEAD

[ **Kuroo** ]: he’s fucking alive

[ **Kuroo** ]: he’s going to get better

[ **Kuroo** ]: he’s going to smile again

[ **Kenma** ]: I know.

[ **Kenma** ]: want me to ask the staff to not allow other visitors?

[ **Kuroo** ]: can you?

[ **Kenma** ]: I will.

[ **Kenma** ]: try to rest. We don’t know when Keiji will be up.


	23. Chapter 23

Akaashi doesn’t know how many times he goes in and out of consciousness. Each time it’s loud and it smells weird. He hears voices he thinks are familiar, but everything’s just so hazy he can’t really tell. He doesn’t know where he’s at, how he got there, or why he’s there. All he knows is that there’s this extreme exhaustion he can’t seem to shake and his entire body hurts. He wants his boyfriends. He wants to hear sweet murmurs while being held entirely too tightly. He wants this aching to stop. He wants food.

When he finally wakes up enough to look at his surroundings, everything is too bright and looking around hurts. He hears beeping and feels weird things attached to him. There’s a hard pressure around his wrists. He closes his eyes again.

_It didn’t work._

“Keiji?”

Akaashi turns his head slightly to see Kuroo sitting in a chair beside him. His hair is a catastrophe and he’s got dark circles under his eyes. He’s aged since the last time he’s seen him. Or he hasn’t slept in a long time.

“Heeeey, Starshine.”

Akaashi looks away from him. “Why are you here?” His voice is raspy, and it clicks with him that he must’ve been asleep for a while now.

“I-“ Kuroo chokes.

There’s silence for a long time, but Kuroo doesn’t leave.

Kuroo gives a sigh. “Keiji, I don’t know what to say. I love you. I love you so much. If you were hurting, you could’ve told us.”

“You wouldn’t understand. You would’ve had me committed.”

Kuroo gives a dry gulp. Akaashi turns his head slightly to glare at him.

“I’m sorry. We would’ve. We wouldn’t have known what else to do. It would have been out of love, though. We want you safe. We want you here with us.”

Akaashi doesn’t respond. He doesn’t believe Kuroo. How could he? He just admitted to wanting to lock him up. Being trapped in a cage was far worse than death. It was a loss of self far greater than he’d ever experienced.

“What happened? How did I make it here?”

“Bo broke in to your apartment.”

Akaashi just nods, remembering hearing Bokuto’s voice before he passed out.

“You should leave. I don’t want to see you or Koutarou.”

Kuroo doesn’t speak at first. The only sound in the room is Kuroo clutching and unclutching his jeans repeatedly and attempting to steady his breathing.

“Look. If you don’t want to see me, that’s fine, but you need to see Kou. I know you’re hurting right now and I know this isn’t the best place, but I have to get this out. Bo found you. He came with you to the hospital. When I got here, he was still covered in your blood. He couldn’t even cry anymore. He was comatose. He can’t handle things like that.

Bo is just full of such much love. Honest and pure. The world is a difficult place for him and I just want to be shelter for him to go to when he can’t deal with all the hard stuff. I thought you could be too. He’s too good for this world. The only thing he deserves is happiness. And you. You hurt him with your selfishness. He knew from the start that something was off. When he found your note, he wanted nothing more than to show you how good life could be. He carried that burden alone. Then you shut him out. He cried. He cried so much. I didn’t even know a person was capable of crying that much. It was more than when his mother died and then get got rapped and lost his dream. I was pissed at you. How could you hurt him like that? But, Bo, he cried for you. He knew your pain. He didn’t want to tell us about your plan, but he broke when he thought he’d killed you. I could see him physically hurting knowing that you hurt so much and there wasn’t a thing he could do to stop it.

That night he’d found your plan, after he cried for hours, he made his own plan. A plan to save you. A plan to show you everything that was worth living for. He was determined. He’d keep you alive no matter what. And, just in Bo fashion, he clung to you. He loved you so open and honestly, all the time in the back of his mind that you were suffering and that he might lose you any day. Graduation just kept getting closer and closer and he knew he was running out of time. He had no regard for his own pain. He struggled on. And you pushed him away. He’s not dumb. He knew that if you were set on it, that his love wouldn’t be able to save you, but it was all he had. He knew he couldn’t tell your parents or call the authorities. He must’ve felt so helpless. The doctors said it was luck that he came when he did, but I don’t think so. He said Yamaguchi had called him, but I think Bo knew instinctively. We’d been together since you kicked him out. He seemed so desperate to get to you like he knew. Kenma and I were still coping and trying to figure out how to help. We thought we had time. We thought you wouldn’t do it yet. But Bo, he fucking felt it.”

_Koutarou. Found. My. Plan?_

Akaashi’s eyes widen as he remembers writing his plan down once and chunking it across the room.

“He’d snuck out after Kenma and I had passed out. Said he was at the park across from your apartment. Yamaguchi called, yes, but it was Bo’s instinct that saved you. He connected the dots. It wasn’t an accident he was there. No. It wasn’t coincidence at all. You see, Bo was made for you. And I don’t mean by a god or he transformed into some person he thought you needed. No. You’re connected. From the moment he laid eyes on you, you were bonded. You tried to sever that connection. You repeatedly broke pieces of him again and again. I never knew until he finally broke down and told us. He just kept smiling. Just kept planning things that he thought would help. Kept fucking reading about depression when he should’ve been working. Looking for anything to pick up a bit of information that might help you.

He wanted so badly to get you help. He knew that he couldn’t bring you to a facility or tell your parents though. His hands were tied. You’d just lie and make your get away. You’d slip through our fingers and then really disappear.”

_He’s babbling. Kuroo doesn’t babble._

Kuroo gives a halfhearted laugh that makes Akaashi’s stomach churn.

“I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for treating Bo like that. But, Bo, he doesn’t even care about himself. He’s barely moved from this spot. He finally fell asleep after days of being awake and ruminating over how to help you. He was so tired, when he passed out I was able to carry him to a cab and he didn’t wake up.” Kuroo lets out a strangled sob. “I’m scared I’m going to lose him too. So you, you don’t just get to sit there and brush us off. You don’t get to decide that we’re nobody to you, especially not Bo. I understand if you don’t love me or don’t want me to be here, but I won’t let you treat him like that. He blames himself for you being here, Keiji. He thinks he pushed you into attempting.”

Akaashi chokes out a sob. He tried to hold it in, but the tears were streaming down his face. He hated crying in front of Kuroo. He didn’t want anyone to see him in all his shame. He didn’t deserve their sympathy after what he did.

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Kuroo’s face soften. He knew he’d been harsh. Too harsh for what Akaashi was going through. He climbed into the bed with Akaashi, pulling Akaashi’s head to his chest and wrapped his arms around him, shushing him and rubbing his arms and back comfortingly. Akaashi wailed louder at the kind gesture that he didn’t deserve and clung to Kuroo as if he wasn’t the only thing keeping him from floating off. The only thing holding him together.

“Shhh. It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay.” Kuroo rocks him back and forth slightly.

“It’s not. It’s not. I ruined everything.”

“No. It’s okay. We’re here. We’re all still here. We love you.”

“I d-don’t deserve yo-your love.”

Kuroo gives him a small kiss on the forehead. “Love isn’t something someone does or doesn’t deserve. We love you no matter what. And it’s not just us. You’ve had so many people here to visit you that were worried about you.”

Akaashi bristles.

“Not your parents. Bo demanded we didn’t contact them. Oikawa and Iwaizumi agreed and promised not to say anything either. We knew they’d make things worse.”

Akaashi gives a soft nod, grateful that Bokuto understood him.

“I’m sorry.”

Kuroo runs his hands through Akaashi’s hair and pulls his face up so he can look at him. “Me too. I’m sorry none of us ever realized your pain. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Tears start falling down Kuroo’s face again, making Akaashi start crying again.

“I want to see Bo too.” he wailed to Kuroo in-between sobs. “I miss him so much. I want to tell him I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

“You will.” Kuroo assured him, his chin resting on Akaashi’s head and tears streaming down his own face into Akaashi’s hair. “You will. He’ll be here soon, I’m sure. Just let it all out until then. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

After an hour of crying Keiji drifted to sleep in Kuroo’s arms. Kuroo laid there, holding him tightly, not wanting to ever let him go. He’d protect him from more harm. Sure, he’d just threatened him, but Keiji was precious to him. He just hoped he could forgive him. He wanted to. It wasn’t something that could happen overnight though. More than anything, he just wanted to ensure that Keiji wouldn’t drift off and disappear.

**. . .**

“Keiji! They called and said you were awa-“ Bokuto came crashing in the door, disheveled, his shirt wrinkled and dirty, his hair a mess, bags under his eyes. He stopped mid-sentence when he saw Kuroo holding Keiji, his face dropping and sheer terror taking over.

Kuroo gave him a soft smile and put a finger to his lips before motioning his head for Bokuto to come over there.

Bokuto took a gasp of air, visibly clenched his fists and marched over to the bedside. He slowly sank into the chair Kuroo had occupied earlier. He searched all over Keiji. His tired and thin frame. The bandages around his wrists. The streaks from his tears earlier. The permanent frown he made even in his sleep. His eyes lingered on Keiji checking over every part of him, ensuring he was safe. He moved to Kuroo, wide eyed and filled to the brim with worry.

Bokuto loved Keiji but he couldn’t keep him from harm. He hadn’t confided in him. He pushed him away repeatedly. Bokuto worried that Keiji hated him. Hated him for being so clingy. For barging in his apartment and getting the paramedics to him. For trying to save him.

Bokuto hated that Keiji was in Kuroo’s arms right now. It made him queasy. Keiji had been pushing Bokuto away, but not Kuroo. Why was he okay with Kuroo right now? Did he hate Bokuto now? Did Keiji love Kuroo and not him? Bokuto furrowed his brow and worried his lip at that thought. Keiji was safe right now. Bokuto didn’t know if he could handle Keiji leaving him for Kuroo though. Not right now. It hurt too much. He couldn’t keep Keiji safe if they were apart.

Kuroo gave off a slight chuckle, seeing Bokuto in trepidation. He ran his hand over Keiji’s hair and sighed. “I’m glad to see you moving and talking again. It’s going to be okay Bo. He’s up now. But, I kind of” he trails off not wanting to admit it to him, “kind of went off on him.”

Bokuto’s face contorted to a mix of fury and anguish.

“I know, I know.” Kuroo continued. “Not one of my best moments, but I just hated seeing you in so much pain. I lost it.”  He looked down at Keiji again. “He’s sorry Bo. He wants to see you. I think,” Kuroo worries his lip, “I think it’s going to be hard for him though. Harder to see you than anyone else.” He gazes into Bokuto’s golden eyes, hoping he’d understand.

Bokuto gave a short nod, his eyes still wide and darting between the two, his lip bleeding again from biting it so hard.

“Wh-“ he started, in a hush, but his voice broke.

Kuroo squeezed his arms around Akaashi in a hug and rested his cheek on Keiji’s head.  A sly smile rested on his face. “Yes?” he purred.

Jealously built up in Bokuto’s stomach, threatening to overflow. He unintentionally clenched his fist and set his jaw.

“Don’t worry you stupid owl.” Kuroo purred as he squeezed Keiji tighter. “He wants you too. I was just comforting him. Didn’t even try to kiss him. Not until he feels better, at least. Or if he even wants me to.” He looks back down softly at Keiji.

Keiji’s eyelids fluttered and Bokuto’s immediate attention was back on Keiji’s well-being instead of his jealousy and insecurities. Keiji slowly came to consciousness. Bokuto held his breath. His was prepared for the worst. For Keiji to yell and tell him to leave. That he never wanted to see him again. That he hated him. That he’d try again. Keiji’s eyes move to Kuroo’s face since he was facing him, see him looking at something behind him. He turns to see what and his eyes lock on Bokuto immediately.

“Koutarou” he rasped and tried to sit up, but was too weak and began to fall. Both Kuroo and Bokuto reached out to grab him. Kuroo held his back and Bokuto had Keiji’s shoulder, Keiji’s own hands landing on Bokuto’s arms to steady himself. They stared into each other’s eyes for a minute, unsure of what to say or even if they were capable of saying anything, before Kuroo coughed sheepishly, attracting their attention.

“Tetsurou,” Keiji whispered, looking down to avoid Bokuto’s eyes, “thank you.”

Kuroo crawls out of bed, giving them some much needed alone time together. “Remember what I said, Keiji.” He claps Bokuto on the back as he walks out of the room.

Feeling dizzy, Keiji begins to waver slightly in Bokuto’s arms. Bokuto helped to ease Keiji back into a laying position, but Keiji didn’t let go of Bokuto’s arms. Blushing and looking away he whispered, “Koutarou” again. Bokuto could feel his heart jump in his chest.

“Yes, Keiji?”

Keiji gave a strained look and took some measured breaths.

“Would” he closes his eyes and gulps before trying again. “Would you mind laying down with me?”

Bokuto quickly shuffled into the bed and wrapped Keiji in his arms. Keiji rested his head on Bokuto’s chest with one hand also resting on his chest near his face. Keiji closed his eyes and took in Bokuto’s embrace and his smell. He’d missed it. He felt safe and comforting. Bokuto was the Earth that kept him grounded.

Seeing the bandage around Keiji’s wrist, Bokuto lifted Keiji’s hand up and kissed down his hand to the inside of his wrist. Keiji gave out a sob, bit his lip so more wouldn’t escape, and let tears stream down his cheeks. Bokuto kept kissing the available wrist for a moment. He laid Keiji’s hand back down to where Bokuto’s heart was and interlaced his fingers, his thumb brushing Keiji’s hand for a moment. Bokuto didn’t speak or try to ask Keiji anything for some time. He just let him cry and caressed him and held him closer.

After some time Bokuto ran his hand through Keiji’s hair and finally spoke.

“Keiji,” he whispered in such a hush and gentle loving tone that Keiji’s heart broke a little.

Not needing a response, or maybe just wanting to say his name, Bokuto continued.

“Do you remember the first time we met?”

Keiji gave a little half nod to let Bokuto know he did.

“I think I loved you then, Keiji. You looked so peaceful sleeping the park there. Like a very exhausted angel. I was so happy Hatsuharu decided to disturb you when I let him off his leash.”

Keiji gave another audible sob in response and Bokuto kissed his forehead.

“I found your plan a few weeks ago. That night when I showed up unannounced for the first time. I didn’t know what it was immediately. I got too stuck on you wanting to break up with me and Tetsu.” Bokuto had begun crying and he let out a small gasp of his own. “When I realized it, it all made so much sense. Everything clicked. The way you acted. The sad look in your eyes. Your avoidance for any commitment past graduation. The sparse belongings. The way you were so thin. I thought-.”

He choked on his own words. Keiji was visibly shaking in his arms at this point. Bokuto kissed his forehead again and squeezed him tighter, lifting Keiji slightly more on to his lap as if in attempt to physically embrace him with his love.

“I thought I could save you.” It came out as a whisper now. “I’m so sorry Keiji. I’m so, so sorry. I was arrogant. I thought love could save you. I’m so stupid. I’m so sorry.” He burst into a full bawl now. Keiji gripped him tight as he could with two damaged arms around his waist and cried with him.

Silence reigned between them for some time, each hugging each other as because it was the only thing that mattered. The only thing that was keeping them together.

Finally, Keiji spoke. Wiping the tears from his eyes and using Bokuto to help him sit up slightly so he could look Bokuto in the eyes, he began. “Koutarou. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I. I love you so much” collapsing back into Bokuto’s arms, he continued muttering “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry”.

Bokuto squeezed him again, his heart so fully of love and sorrow. “No. Keiji. It’s okay. You have nothing to be sorry for. I love you. It’s okay now. Everything is going to be okay. You’re okay. Things are going to get better.” Bokuto lifted Keiji’s chin to kiss him fully on the lips. It had meant to be a loving peck, but Keiji tasted so sweet his lips soon found themselves running all over Keiji’s face and neck. “Keiji. Keiji. Keiji.” He murmured trying to take in as much of Keiji as he could. “I love you so much Keiji. I love you so much.” He murmured into Keiji’s ear.

“I love you Koutarou. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Bokuto shushed him at his apology and rocked Keiji slightly in his arms. They both burst into tears again, Bokuto calming and assuring Keiji until he fell asleep in Bokuto’s arms.

“I loved you then and I love you now. I’ll love you forever.” He whispered into Keiji’s ear as he dozed off.

When the room had been silent for a while, the door softly opens and Kuroo walks back in. His face is freshly tear-stained.

“Tetsu” Bokuto softly whispers, unsure of what to say to him. He loves both of them so much. He didn’t want to lose either of them. He almost lost Keiji. Kuroo hated Keiji right now. Everything was falling apart.

“I know. I heard. I was worried, so I eavesdropped.”

“Are you going to forgive him?”

“Kou, you know I want to. I love him. I’m so mad and so lost. I just want us all to be okay. And to get out of this fucking hospital.” He looks around at the offending room they’d spent the last couple of days in. “I want us all to go home. To go back to being together and being happy. I want Keiji to not feel the pain he’s been feeling.”

Tears trickle down Bokuto’s face and he squeezes Keiji tighter. “Me too, Tetsu. Me too.”

Kuroo gives a crooked smile, unable to give a full one due to the situation. “Can I?” He motions to the bed.

“I don’t know why you left in the first place.”

Kuroo crawls in behind Keiji. “You’ve been hurting more. You’ve been carrying his secret for weeks now. I don’t even know if he’ll still want to be with me or if I belong. I don’t want to stand in your way.”

“Tetsu, no. Keiji loves you. I love you.”

Kuroo frowns and runs his hand along Akaashi’s arm. “I hope so.”

**. . .**

Kenma arrives an hour later with food and clothes for them. They lure Bokuto and Kuroo from Keiji’s bed with food before climbing in and burying their face in Keiji’s chest. Both Bokuto and Kuroo give a forced laugh.

Keiji wakes up from all the movement. He looks at his boyfriends across the room eating, puzzled by being snuggled when both of them were over there. He finds black and blond hair pressing into him.

“Hey, Kenma.” He weakly whispers before rubbing Kenma’s back.

Kenma’s head pops up and they give a fake punch to his chest. “If dating those idiots was that bad, you could’ve broke up with them instead of trying to kill yourself.”

Keiji’s shoulders tense and his eyes flicker to his boyfriends. They’re staring at Kenma with wide eyes, hands paused halfway putting food in their mouths.

“Pfft!” Keiji gives a light laugh but stops because it hurts. He wraps his arm tighter around Kenma. “Leave it to you to say something like that.” He wipes a tear from his eye with his free hand. “But I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

Keiji gives a hard frown and avoids looking at everyone. “I don’t know. It was too hard. To ugly to tell.”

“Tell us from now on. We’re here for you no matter how bad you think something is. I know both of them aren’t the smartest, but I can make up for that.”

“Bo, I think Kenma’s trying to steal our boyfriend while he’s weak and confused from all the medication.” Kuroo whispers before taking another bite of food.

Bokuto whines and stares at Keiji pleadingly.

“I think you two are going to kill Koutarou if you keep talking like that. I’ve stressed him out enough. Please don’t add to it.”

Kenma looks Keiji in the eyes for a moment before hiding their face in his chest again.

“Keiji,” Bokuto softly whispers, “don’t worry about me. I’m just glad you’re safe.”

“I know, Koutarou, but I am sorry for making you worry. And I’m sorry for yelling at you before all this.”

Bokuto stares back at him, frowning. “No. It’s okay. Just rest.”

“Will do.” Keiji gives a soft smile at them. “After you hand over some of that food. It smells amazing.”

“No can do, Starshine. Not until the doctors give the okay.”

Keiji frowns at Kuroo. “What do doctors know anyway? Koutarou will you give me food?”

Bokuto whines again before facing away from Keiji. He stares at the wall before turning back to where he can see him again and then turns back again, conflicted.

There’s a muffled, “You’re going to fry his brain” from Kenma.

“Ugh.” Keiji playfully rolls his eyes and pretends to pout. He rubs Kenma’s back some more. “All of you need to sleep from the looks of it, so I’ll go easy on you.”

Bokuto and Kuroo give each other worried frowns.

“Kenma and I are trying to lighten the mood. Sarcasm is all I have right now.” Keiji doles out flatly. “I’ve worried you enough. I’m okay now. Everything’s okay.” He gives a small, forced smile. “It’d be better if I could eat, but that’ll happen eventually.”

**. . .**

The doctor comes and gives Keiji the okay to eat food later. They say he’s fine, but they’re still going to keep him for another day. While the nurses check on him and change his bandages, the doctor calls them out to the hall under the guise of privacy.

“Have you had time to think about what I said?”

“Uh.” Kuroo’s the first to speak this time. “When he woke up I asked him why he didn’t tell us. He said we would’ve locked him up in a psychiatric ward. I think he’s still afraid of that. He’d get out and isolate himself again. He’s more afraid of being locked up than he is of death.”

The doctor gives a sigh and shakes their head. “That’s not uncommon. Recovery will depend on him. Don’t expect things to get steadily better. If anything, after he leaves here, it will be worse for a while.”

“Worse?” Bokuto echoes, his voice cracking at the one thing no one wanted to hear. If he attempted again, there was no guarantee they’d be able to save him. It was a miracle Bokuto had done it this time.

The doctor nods sadly. “In the hospital things are isolated. Your problems don’t always matter as much here after something like this happens, at least with some. The fear of death is still fresh, and it lingers. Plus, the pain medication makes it hard to think too much. When patients get home, all their worries come rushing back to them. Then the shame and guilt of having attempted compound with responsibilities and expectations. I’m not saying he’ll get home and attempt again immediately, but most who attempt suicide will attempt again at some point. It may be as soon as he comes home, it may be months or even years from now. If he’s lucky, he won’t. With each attempt, it’s less likely that he will live. Considering he went so far this time, more than likely he’s attempted several times before.”

All three of them stand there stunned.

“Nevertheless, if he’s of sound enough mind and wants to go home, I can’t force him otherwise. I do suggest keeping an eye on him at all times, or as much as possible, for the next month or so. If he agrees to start antidepressants, watch him for at least the first six weeks. That’s a critical period where he’ll have a lot more energy but may not have had enough time to be in a safe place mentally. A psychiatrist will be able to tell you more in depth about that. I also highly suggest therapy. Therapy combined with medication is the best way for him to get better. Like any other illness, it will take time and he has to continually have treatment. Of course, that’s only if it’s what he wants. He may not want those things.”

The doctor gives them a sad, soft smile. “I’ll leave information at the front desk for you all to look over. From the way he’s acting, you may keep it out of sight or he’ll panic.” They give a sigh. “I don’t want to say this next part, but I’m obligated. I’m proud of you for taking care of him. That being said, if it gets to the point where he’s a threat to himself or others, you must call authorities or bring him to the ER. It will be hard, but it’s for the best.”

All three stare at the floor.

“Thank you, doctor. We will.” Kenma mumbles before turning around and heading back into the room.

“”Thank you, doctor.”” Bokuto and Kuroo echo back. They glance at each other for a second before following Kenma back into the room.

The nurses are cleaning up and Kenma has already reattached themselves to Akaashi.

“Keeeennnmaaaaa!” Bokuto whines. “I barely share my Keiji with Kuroo. I can’t share with you too.”

Kenma lifts their head just enough to reveal one eye and glare at Bokuto. “Die mad about it.”

Kuroo busts out in his hyena-like cackle that makes the nurses give him looks of disapproval for being so loud. Bokuto sticks his lower lip out in a pout. When Kuroo’s done laughing his ass off, he clasps Bokuto on the shoulder.

“I told you they’re trying to steal our boyfriend. You better keep an eye on them while I’m gone.”

“Gone? Where are you going?” Bokuto whines.

“I’m walking your dogs, remember?” Kuroo raises an eyebrow and shakes his head. “I swear.” He crosses the room, shoves Kenma’s face away from Akaashi, and gives him a kiss. “I’ll be back in a bit. Is there anything you need while I’m gone?”

“Hmm. Think you can smuggle Hatsuharu into the hospital?”

“Pfft. I’ll try my darndest just for yo- Ow!”

Kenma’s biting Kuroo’s hand which was still on their face.

“You little shit!”

Kenma bites again before Kuroo can jerk his hand back. “Don’t put your hand on my face and we wouldn’t have this problem.” They snap their teeth at Kuroo again before turning to Akaashi. “I have some things I need to take care of as well. I’ll be back tomorrow morning unless you need me.”

“You have things you need to take care of.” Akaashi parrots back monotoned. “That is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever heard. I think I’ll be fine. These two won’t let me be anything but fine.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of. They’re like two enthusiastic grandparents when it comes to coddling you.” Kenma deadpans back before giving a rare smile.

Immediately after Kenma and Kuroo leave the room, Bokuto has taken Kenma’s spot in bed with Akaashi. Akaashi rubs Bokuto’s cheek with one hand while smiling at him. They don’t speak. They just enjoy being with each other and being alive.

**. . .**

To Akaashi’s complete surprise, Tsukishima comes to visit him later with a freckled boy carrying flowers that Akaashi’s never seen before. At least, he doesn’t think he has. As soon as Bokuto lays eyes on him, he jumps out of bed, bounding over to the boy and embracing him in a hug so tight that his back pops. Tsukishima, unconcerned, takes the flowers from him and sets them on a nearby table.

“Yamaguchi! I’m so glad to see you! Thank you so much!” Bokuto’s sobbing to the boy, Yamaguchi, and still clutching him tightly.

The boy recovers from being crushed to death and gives Bokuto a few light pats on the back before wheezing so Bokuto would release him. “I talked to Kuroo-san yesterday. Is Akaashi-san awake now?”

Bokuto grabs the boy’s wrist and drags him further in the room. “Keiji! I want you to meet Yamaguchi! He’s my, well, we’ll go over that later. He’s the one who called me because your apartment was flooding and called 119! He also cleaned your apartment!”

Akaashi bites back a glare at the meek boy, grateful for him but also resentful. When he was dying, he didn’t want to die. Right now, he was grateful to be alive and with loved ones. He didn’t expect that feeling to last. When it faded away, he’d be right back where he was; desperate for release.

“Oh. Thank you very much. You really didn’t have to go through the trouble. Please, sit down if you like.”

Yamaguchi waves his apologies away but sits. “It’s nothing. I didn’t want you, Bokuto-san, or Kuroo-san to have to deal with it.”

“Thank you.” Akaashi doesn’t know what else to say to the boy. He doesn’t know him and yet he knows Akaashi’s deepest shame. “Thank you for the flowers as well.”

“Oh! Bokuto-san grew those! I just picked them and attempted to arrange them. He’s much better than I am at it.” He rubs the back of his head timidly and grins.

Akaashi raises an eyebrow at Bokuto, who grimaces in return and mouths “later”.

“It’s good to see you again as well, Tsukishima.”

“You too, Akaashi-san. Though, the circumstances are unfortunate.”

“Tsukki!”

“He’s right, Yamaguchi-kun. Circumstances aren’t the best. How do you two know each other anyway?”

“We’re childhood friends!” Yamaguchi chimes, gleefully giving that tidbit up.

“I see.”

“Keiji, Yamaguchi has a crush on Tobio! Can you believe that?” Bokuto shouts like he can’t hold it in anymore.

“Bokuto-san!” Yamaguchi screeches, turning bright red.

Tsukishima laughs while covering his mouth and Bokuto grins on like he didn’t just share a secret. Akaashi feels bad for the boy. Kageyama, Hinata, and Kenma were dating already. Who knew, though? Maybe the four of them could make it work.

“ _That aside_ ,” Yamaguchi gives a pointed look to Bokuto, “I just wanted to finally meet you and see if you were doing okay. We’ve got to get going, so try to get some rest. We can party and get further acquainted after you recover some.”

“I’ll look forward to it and thank you again.” Akaashi gives his best attempt at a genuine smile.

Once again alone, Bokuto shuffles back to Akaashi. He sits in the chair beside his bed instead of clamoring in bed with him. “Keiji, I have something to tell you.”

“Oh my god, you’re pregnant.” Akaashi covers his mouth in a fake gasp and feigns surprise.

Bokuto sticks both of his lips out in a pout. “You got me. It’s yours.”

Akaashi gives a little giggle and smiles back at Bokuto. “What is it?”

“The baby? They haven’t told me yet. I figure we’ll give them until about ten years before we ask.”

Akaashi snorts and Bokuto finally smiles back at him.

“I never told you where I work because I kind of work at the university.” He ducks his head so Akaashi can’t see his face before quickly adding, “As a part-time lab assistant, though. Nothing important. One of my professors offered the position to me since I didn’t complete graduate school applications on time after everything that happened. If I had, they would’ve accepted me into the graduate program. This was a way to keep researching while staying in contact. They’ve accepted me at our university as a graduate student this year.”

“I’m very proud of you, Koutarou. I had the feeling you’d been applying ever since Kuroo and I went to go pick up your plants. Kiyoko-san let it drop that you’d declined their offer but had been doing great research. Why didn’t you tell me, though?”

“I, uh. I didn’t want to give you an excuse to not want to be around me. Dating a staff member and all. Then, by the time I felt like it’d be okay to tell you, it was way too late.”

“Is Yamaguchi-kun one of your students then?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s a relief. I thought you were cheating on me and Tetsurou.”

Bokuto squawks and lunges forward to grab Akaashi’s hand, terror taking over his face. Akaashi covers his mouth with one arm to laugh, but quickly grimaces. He’d been moving his arms and hands too much. He shouldn’t be using them at all, but he deserved the pain. It was a punishment and pleasure. Punishment for hurting everyone. Pleasure to know he was still alive.

“Does it hurt?”

“A bit, yeah. Not too bad, though. The pain killers are working well.”

Bokuto gives a soft smile and squeezes his hand. “Are you mad at me?”

“No. Not really. You did what you thought was best. You were probably right about the not wanting to date you if I knew part. So, in a way, I’m glad you didn’t tell me. Now it doesn’t really matter, though.”

Bokuto’s eyebrows furrow and he tilts his head to the side. “You’re not worried about it even though you haven’t graduated yet?”

“It’s not that. I’m not going back.”

Bokuto’s eyes go wide and he unconsciously grips Akaashi’s hand tighter until Akaashi’s face contorts in pain.

“Are you sure? You’re so close.”

“I’m positive. I never wanted a business degree. That’s what my parents wanted. There’s no point in me being miserable over it.”

Bokuto stares at him for a moment, biting his lip. Akaashi expects him to protest. Not that he wanted him to. This isn’t a new idea for him. He’s hated every second of his business classes. Not that he has another plan right now. He’s not even sure if he has the will to go on. It might be slightly easier to not have university right now. He can attempt to gain the will to live that way.

Bokuto finally nods profusely before crawling into bed with Akaashi. “If that’s what you’ve decided, I’ll support you.” He kisses Akaashi slowly. “There’s also something else.”

“It’s twins!”

“How did you know?” Bokuto gives an overexaggerated gasp. “But the school thing is why I never invited you over to my apartment. It’s not because I didn’t want you over there. I was afraid you’d find something that would prove my guilt.”

“It’s okay.”

“One more thing” Bokuto trails off.

“I always knew you were going to murder me.” Akaashi grins. “At least take good care of our children.”

Bokuto gives a grin back at that. “It’s been a while since you’ve made that joke.”

“Hm. Probably because I trust you.”

Bokuto smiles and gives Akaashi another kiss. “I love you. I was going to wait and ask until after graduation, but I think now is better. Would you move in with me?”

_Fuck_.

“Wouldn’t that be unfair to Tetsurou?” Akaashi frowns and furrows his eyebrows.

“Uh. Yes and no? He’s obviously welcome to my house anytime. He has his own key and clothes there. My place isn’t big enough to house three people permanently, though. But Kenma also can’t afford to stay in their current apartment if Kuroo leaves. We’d have to find a new place as well as Kenma. And I,” Bokuto bites his lip and looks away briefly, “I get the feeling your landlord is going to want to evict you. You’ve already terminated you lease though, haven’t you? That was on your list and I know you’re goal oriented, if nothing else.”

Akaashi’s blood runs cold and he holds back a glare. “Yes. It ends after next month.”

“What do you say? I’ll be able to help take care of you while you recover, and you won’t have to worry about finding a new place on such short notice.”

Akaashi bites his lip and looks away. “Koutarou, I’m not sure if it’s such a good idea.”

_I’m not sure if I still even want to live. Or if I even have it in me. How am I supposed to even face you?_

“Keiji, we’re all worried about you. This doesn’t have to be forever if you don’t want it to be. I won’t be like before. I’m not going to smother you. I know you don’t like it. I’ll be able to control myself better if you’re there. I just don’t want you to disappear.”

Bokuto leans forward so his forehead rests against Akaashi’s and closes his eyes. “I mean it.” He kisses him. “You say the word.” Another kiss. “And I’ll leave you alone.” Kiss. “I just want to be near you. I won’t fail to keep you safe again. Just consider it. Please”

Bokuto shifts so he can give a slow, open mouthed kiss now. He runs his hand across Akaashi’s face and into his hair. The tenderness of it makes Akaashi start silently crying. Feeling the wetness, Bokuto pulls away and begins kissing Akaashi’s tears while holding his face and giving him a soft, troubled smile.

“Okay. I’ll try living with you.”

Bokuto pulls away with a smile before resting his forehead against Akaashi’s again. “Thank you. Tetsu and I will move all your stuff, so you don’t have to worry about any of that.”

“I’ll have to get my landlord to let us in. I don’t have my keys on me, obviously.”

“Tetsu’s got your spare key.”

Akaashi frowns. “Why? How?”

“Oh! Well. I guess you wouldn’t know. I broke down your door to get in. It’s already been replaced though. Yamaguchi, he lives in the same apartment complex, he was there, which is why he cleaned. He got your second key from the landlord, so he could finish cleaning and in case you needed it. Kuroo stopped by the other day to grab you some clothes and stuff.”

“Oh. I didn’t notice he’d brought my things.”

“Yup! That bag over there!” Bokuto points to a bag mixed in with the others. “Uh. Your phone isn’t working right now though. Yams tried to dry it and charge it, but I think it’s fried.”

Akaashi frowns at the bag. He didn’t know if the pictures of Bokuto and Kuroo had been saved in the cloud. It was devastating to think he’d lost memories of the people he loves.

“I see. Is my laptop in there?”

Bokuto shakes his head softly. “Tetsu said he thought about grabbing it but didn’t trust himself not to snoop. I can go get it if you want.”

“No. It’s fine. I just wanted something to do.”

“That nerd brought you some books!” Bokuto rolls off the bed and digs in the bag. He comes back with several and displays them like a bunch of cards.

The one Kuroo had read while they were on their trip is there. He pulls that one from the bunch with a small smile. “I’ll have to tell that nerd thank you.” He starts to flip open the book, searching for the first page. “You know you can go home, right? I’m not going anywhere. You can get some real rest in your bed.”

“I know. I’m not leaving you alone, though. When Tetsu gets back I am going to leave to water my plants, though.”

“Koutarou, I mean it. I’m not going to run away while you’re not looking.”

“I know. I trust you. I’m still not leaving though. I’ll go sit and be quiet if you don’t want me here.”

“It’s not like that.” Akaashi pats the bed for Bokuto to come back. “Try to rest. I’m going to read.”

**. . .**

Kuroo comes back to Akaashi intently reading a book with Bokuto snuggled up next to him snoring contently.

“Hey nerd.” Akaashi greet quietly, eyes never leaving the book.

“Hello, Starshine. How am I the nerd when you’re the one reading?”

Akaashi grins before showing him the cover. “Thanks for brining books.”

“You’re welcome. Why’d you pick that one? I already told you the ending.”

“Sometimes it’s soothing to know what happens.” He closes the book and sets it down beside him. “It gives you a sense of control in a chaotic world.”

Kuroo’s lips tug downward. “You feeling okay?”

“Yeah. We need to wake this dork up now that you’re back. He said he wanted to water his plants.”

“Yeeesh! Let’s kick him out so I can get my cuddles in.” Kuroo takes a step forward, hands posed to tickle.

Akaashi covers his mouth to giggle. He pokes Bokuto’s nose softly, making him twitch in his sleep. “I’ve been cuddled so much, I’m starting to wonder if I’ve been reincarnated as a stuffed animal and none of you have the heart to tell me.”

“Hate to break it to you, but you’ve always been an object of cuddling desire.”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind.” Akaashi squeezes Bokuto in a hug. “Hey. Koutarou. It’s time to get up. You’re late for volleyball practice.”

“Wh-what?” Bokuto pops up, drool on his face, and looks around frantically. He takes a second to realize where he is before looking at Akaashi and pouting.

Akaashi gives another giggle and kisses him. “Go water your plants so we can have dinner together.”

Bokuto snuggles back up to him. “Five more minutes.”

Kuroo sneaks up and starts to tickle the bottom of his foot causing him to jerk and swat at him. “Hurry, up dork! I’m hungry.”

“Fineeee.” Bokuto groans before kissing Akaashi again and getting out of bed. “I’ll be back soon. Decide what you two want for dinner.”

Kuroo crawls into bed and clings to Akaashi. “Fish!”

Akaashi gives a snort. “If you can, would you grab a laptop or tablet, so we can watch one of your shitty movies tonight?”

“They’re not shitty!”

“I know. I love your shitty movies.”

Bokuto scrunches up his face in another pout. “Tetsu, you’re a bad influence on him!”

“Yeah, yeah.” Kuroo waves him away. “Now go so I can spend alone time with Keiji. We’re going to see if we can get away with banging in here.”

Akaashi smacks Kuroo lightly, causing him to wince in pain at his own action. “Shut up. I want dinner tonight.”

Bokuto sticks his tongue out at Kuroo and flips him off before leaving so Kuroo can’t taunt him anymore.

“You know he’s worried about us, right?” Kuroo shifts so he can face Akaashi. He gently grabs Akaashi’s arm and kisses it. “About you mostly right now, but also about you leaving him. About you leaving me. About all of us falling away from each other.”

“I know. He seems,” Akaashi rolls his head around slightly, “more possessive lately. Scared and not just because-. Well you know why.”

Kuroo starts to lean in for a kiss but halts after a few inches. His eyes dart down to Akaashi’s lips before going back up to his eyes.

“Don’t you hate me?”

Kuroo backs up and shakes his head. “I could never. Nor Bo. I was just mad. The more I have time to digest everything, I’m losing that anger. I don’t want to be apart from you. You were in pain and Bo’s already forgiven you. I don’t want to waste the time I have with you on something like that. Not when you’re here. When we’re all here.”

Akaashi nods before leaning in and kissing Kuroo on the lips. Kuroo eagerly kisses back like he’s still terrified of losing Akaashi. Maybe it’s because they haven’t had much time alone together since Akaashi first woke, but something about Kuroo seems desperate.

“We’re not having sex in the hospital.”

“Aww! But Keiji! We may never get this chance again!” Kuroo whines dramatically.

“Whatever, nerd.” Akaashi pushes Kuroo’s face away. “Read to me.”

“Whaaa?”

“My arms hurt.” Akaashi fake pouts. “I’m not supposed to lift things.”

“You damn little liar. You’re worse than Kenma.” Kuroo shakes his head but grabs the book anyway and sits up more.

Akaashi nestles up beside him, content.

**. . .**

They watch a shitty movie on Bokuto’s tablet after eating takeout that night. It’s tight, but both Bokuto and Kuroo end up falling asleep in the bed with Akaashi. He stays awake staring at the ceiling.

_What does the future look like? Do I even want to have a future? Nothings fixed. I’ve just made everyone worry with my recklessness. Still_

He looks down at the two adorable sleeping dorks on either side of him.

_Being with them is always a nice reprieve from the world. Maybe I’ll give living a chance for now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> |_・) Can I come out of hiding for now?
> 
> Since I finished this much, much sooner than advertised, I probably will take a few weeks to rest before next chapter. I kinda need to work on another work...


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops. This one got away from me a bit.
> 
> Potential TW: Use of domestic violence related language and revisiting Akaashi's attempt, though not in as much detail.

“Akaashi-san, do you remember what happened before you were admitted to the hospital?”

Akaashi bites his cheeks and closes his eyes so the hospital psychologist won’t see him roll his eyes at them.

_You and I both know damn well why I’m here. Cut the crap. You’re not getting anything from me. Go help someone who wants it._

“It’s a little hazy, to be honest.” He takes a deep inhale and sighs. He’d been lying to his parents his whole life. A stranger would be too easy. Deny until you die. “I remember celebrating,” he stares at the floor, brow still furrowed and voice calm, “because I’m graduating soon. I have a solo trip planned for myself after graduation and then a trip with my two boyfriends before I enter the workforce. I’m ready for it to happen.” He gives a small smile before glancing up to the doctor. If he stared, they’d know he was lying. He’d be equally as guilty if he never looked at them. “Judging by the gashes on my arm and how sore my body is, I must’ve drank a bit too much and had an accident or something.”

He frowns and lifts up his still bandaged arms. “I don’t really like looking when the nurses change my bandages, things like this kind of gross me out, but I may have fallen on glass or something.” He tilts his head slightly, bites his lip, and makes sure his brow is still furrowed. “I’m not exactly graceful off the volleyball court.”

“An accident?” The psychologist echoes. “Is that really what you think happened?”

_Absolutely no. That’s not even a plausible excuse. The doctors have told you what my injuries look like, right? What kind of object would cause cuts like these? What my BAC was like? EMT’s tell you how they found me? The evidence is all there. A child would make the correct assumption._

“I can’t think of anything else.” He bites his lip and stares back down at the floor briefly. He fakes a small gasp before whipping his head back up to them, eyes wide and fearful. “You don’t think I was attacked, do you? My boyfriends did say my door was broken down.” He gives a frown and forces himself to tear up. “I don’t know who would want to do that to me, though. U-unless it’s c-cause I’m gay.” He sniffs and covers his face pretending to hide a few tears.

“Rest assured Akaashi-san, there was no indication of a robbery, forced entry, or hate crimes.”

Akaashi stares at them, feigning disbelief, mouth slightly open and eyebrows raised.

“How often do you drink?”

“What does that have to do with me getting hurt?” He tilts his head slightly and sticks his lower lip out in a pout. “I’m not an alcoholic.”

“Please answer the question as accurately as possible.”

“Fine.” Akaashi sighs and stares off pretending to do math. “Aside from a few days ago, I think the last time I drank was when my boyfriends and I went on a trip together around New Years. It was a weekend trip. I think I maybe had three drinks the whole time I was there since we were celebrating and all.”

“What about drugs?”

“Never.”

_Since I can’t get them at a convenience store. Heroin does sound oh so delectable, though._

“And do you ever have suicidal thoughts?”

_Just every second of the day. Would you like to know how many scenarios I’ve ran through my head in the last few days? You really ought to up your safety measures. Needles can be dangerous. Whatever the doctors had me on didn’t dull my thinking enough to not plot._

Akaashi jolts his head back in fake surprise. “No. Not at all.”

The psychologist hums and stares down Akaashi. He coolly meets their gaze. His parent’s and boyfriend’s gazes couldn’t break him. Even Kenma the mind reader didn’t figure out what he’d been up to or make him fess up. There’s no way a stranger could. It was no contest, really.

“Akaashi-san, I don’t believe you had an accident. I think what happened to you was very intentional.”

Akaashi frowns at her and narrows his eyes. “What are you trying to say, Doctor?”

They stare down at him without speaking waiting for the silence to make him uncomfortable enough to spill.

Akaashi’s mouth twitches uncontrollably.

_Arrogant fucker, aren’t you?_

“Something that unspeakable then?” He wrinkles his nose at them. “I’m in pain and you accuse me of something so, so” he chews on the words in his mouth, fake anger trembling through his body. “No. Just no. That. That _thing_ is for cowards.”

_Is that what you want to hear? You want me to be disgusted by finding a solution to ending my pain? I’m not like you. Your supposed morals weren’t helping me._

The psychologist stares at him and clicks their pen.

_Just waiting for me to break. Waiting for me to make one teensy slip up. But you’re too afraid of accusing me without enough information that no one has been willing to give. Too scared to be sued._

He gives an open glare to the psychologist. “Are we done here? I’d like to get out of this hospital as soon as possible and get back to my real life.”

Their eyes flicker at that and they click their pen again in frustration. “Very well. I can’t stop you.”

Akaashi stands from his chair and starts to turn from the doctor.

“A word of warning, however. If you end up in the hospital again from an ‘accident’ I _will_ hold you until I’m satisfied.”

He stops and turns halfway to face them. “Are you threatening me?” He squints at them.

“Just stating facts.”

“Well, Dr.-just-stating-facts, I will state facts then too. I’m going to report you for threatening me. But don’t worry, you’ll never see me again.” He scoffs and slowly moves to the door. He still felt weak from his attempt. His body just wanted sleep and the pain killers they’d been pumping into him weren’t helping. They were trying to keep him docile. Didn’t want the suicidal boy to have enough energy to try again in their good hospital.

He wouldn’t be taking any more painkillers after he leaves. Leaving would fix a lot of things. He just had to wait out the rest of the day. He deserved the pain in his arms and body.

Kenma is waiting for him outside the door. Akaashi had managed to finally usher Bokuto and Kuroo away for work and class but Kenma wouldn’t be ushered away. The only time he’d been alone since he’d woken up was in the bathroom. Even then, that hardly classified as being alone since the bathroom was attached to his room.

That wasn’t even taking into consideration the nurses checking on him at what seemed a ridiculously high amount. He’d never been in the hospital this long before, but he was pretty sure nurses had better things to do than check on him so frequently. There were people who actually needed their attention instead of them giving the suicidal boy too much unwanted attention. Attention was the last thing he wanted right now. He wanted everyone to stop giving him that pitying look they didn’t even realize they wore. Stop looking at him like he’s crazy or some wounded animal. It was like they’d never considered ending it before. They were all a bunch of self-righteous liars.

It was all so suffocating. He just wanted out of the hospital. That was the only thing on his mind right now. It was the only thing that mattered; his base need. He knew he’d still have to deal with everyone pestering him for an asshole-ish amount of time now but there’s no way it could be worse than now. Besides, Bokuto had promised. Akaashi was going to hold him to that or move out. It was that simple. He was an adult. He still had money. They couldn’t force him to do anything. He just had to behave for some time. Be congenial. Keep the veil on. Let them get complacent. Wait for the second they slip up and take full advantage of it. Lying in wait was one of his specialties anyway. He’d only been doing it his whole life.

“How did it go?” Kenma latches onto Akaashi’s torso. They’d been exceptionally clingy since the whole ordeal. They’d probably had more influence kicking Bokuto and Kuroo out than Akaashi did. If Kenma had been a bigger crier, outsiders would’ve mistaken Kenma for Akaashi’s boyfriend and Bokuto and Kuroo as the friends. Akaashi hadn’t seen Kenma be this clingy since the first time they met when Kenma fell asleep on Kuroo.

“I’m a free man after the checkup later today.” Akaashi gives a grin and lightly pats Kenma’s back.

Kenma hums, observing Akaashi’s face, analyzing him and committing everything to memory. “Koutarou and Kuro are almost done moving your stuff to Koutarou’s.”

Akaashi gives a genuine frown. “They were supposed to go to work and class. Why are they in such a rush?”

Kenma squeezes him tighter. “No one wants you to go back to your apartment. We thought,” Kenma’s eyes dart to the side and they squeeze him more, “we thought it might be too painful. That this would be for the best.”.

“I’ll have to go back eventually to make sure they’ve gotten everything, clean up, and to talk to my landlord, though.”

Kenma shakes their head and finally unleashes Akaashi. His first instinct is to run but he keeps his feet firmly planted. He was still in a hospital. Too weak and with no money and no phone on him. A captive must plan carefully before acting. Repercussions would be dire and make it harder for further attempts, maybe even impossible. He didn’t want to be locked up. Anything but that.

“We’ll handle everything. We’ve already spoken to your landlord and they understand the situation. All they need is your keys when we’re done with them. I’ll do a check of your apartment to make sure those idiots get everything.”

“I couldn’t ask-“

“We’re not asking and we’re not taking no for an answer.” Kenma harshly interrupts. “We want to help you in any way possible.”

_How about you go away then? You know I want you to, and yet you’re still here. You can pretend that I overpowered you if it helps you sleep at night._

“It’s so much trouble though. I can take care of it myself.”

“Keiji.” Kenma grabs Akaashi’s face with both hands and squishes it a bit. “It’s not trouble. You’re not trouble. If anything, those two idiots are overjoyed to be of use to you and I’m overjoyed to have a quiet apartment to myself since I’m sure Kuro will be staying with you two for a while whether you want him to or not.” They release Akaashi’s face and take a step back. “Besides, you’re not allowed to lift anything until your arms heal. Lean on us a little.”

_No. I don’t want to. I don’t want to do anything._

Akaashi gives a sigh, already tired. “Why do I get the feeling I don’t have a choice here?”

“Like Kuro likes to say, ‘You always have choices. Sometimes they’re just not good choices.’”.

Akaashi lets out a snicker. “He used that once when he was blackmailing me.”

“He uses it when I’m stuck on a game.” Kenma shudders and glares at nothing. “I take it back. We should make him suffer. Make him wait hand and foot on you. And Koutarou. He makes me lose games. They’re the worst. Why do you like them again?”

**. . .**

Bokuto and Kuroo still haven’t come back by the time Akaashi’s been discharged. Kenma grabs all his things, lures him into a cab, and give an unfamiliar address to the driver.

“Where are we going?”

“Koutarou’s. This is your first time, isn’t it?”

“Yes. He-. Well, you already know.” Akaashi lamely replies, not wanting to get into it.

Kenma hums, staring out the window, but holding Akaashi’s hand. “It’s not what you’re expecting. It’s nice and clean but not at all what you’re imagining. It doesn’t suit him _at all_.”

“You mean it isn’t volleyball and owl themed?”

“No. They’re there, it wouldn’t be his apartment without those things, but they’re only there in moderation. I didn’t even know Koutarou knew what moderation was.”

Akaashi snorts and gives a giggle. “Now I’m scared.”

“Don’t be. It’s a good thing.”

“Still. I’m a bit concerned about living with Koutarou. I’ve never lived with anyone like this before. I had a roommate in dorms before, but that wasn’t. The. Best.” Akaashi trails off, not wanting to relive that experience.

“He didn’t tell you?” Kenma turns to face Akaashi. “It’s two bedrooms. He’s giving you his spare room. He didn’t want to smother you. Figured you’d like that more. Though he hates the idea. Be surprised if he doesn’t ‘happen’ to wind up in your room all the time.”

“Oh.” Akaashi echoes back, unsure of how to reply, or even what to think about this new information. Kenma’s eyes flicker all over Akaashi’s face before Akaashi remembers to rein in his visible emotion.

“Most of your things will be at Koutarou’s but Kuro and I will have some things stored at our place. Mostly kitchen stuff since he already has that.”

Akaashi feels a wave of shame and heat flood through his body. Kitchen items. The knife.

He must’ve physically reacted this time because Kenma squeezes his hand. “Tadashi took care of that. You won’t have to see it again.”

Akaashi nods as silent tears run down his face already. He didn’t know if he could face his demons yet. Or ever. He wasn’t even sure how he was living through right now. Everything hurt so much. The physical pain was still tearing through him too much for his shithead brain to take over.

The rest of the ride is silent. Thankfully, they arrive soon after. Being in a confined place with Kenma was worse than anyone else. They knew too much and would say exactly what they thought. Akaashi couldn’t lie to them. Well, he could, but it would be wasted effort. He was too tired to try anything except for pretending to be normal.

Kenma doesn’t let Akaashi carry any of the bags or pay the driver, not that he could lift bags or pay since no one had given him his wallet yet. Akaashi huffs and stands awkwardly to the side, arms behind him to hide his bandages even though he was wearing long sleeves and a jacket. You could still tell there was something and see them poking out at the wrists. He couldn’t wait to get them off. The doctors said there would be scaring, but that was easier to hide than these damn bandages. They stuck out too damn much. He didn’t like the glances he got. Glances that called him a freak.

Kenma leads him to the second floor to apartment #205 and kicks at the door. Akaashi frowns and stares at them bewildered. There’s shuffling soon after, so apparently Bokuto was used to this. No sooner than the door is thrown open, Bokuto appears and is clinging to Akaashi.

“Keiji! I missed you!” He nuzzles his face against Akaashi’s and squeezes him too tightly.

“Koutarou, you’re going to kill him.” Kenma huffs before pushing Bokuto aside and going inside.

“Oh! Sorry!” Bokuto releases him but keeps his hands on Akaashi’s shoulders.

“You just saw me a few hours ago.”

“Yeaaah but,” Bokuto pouts and rubs the back of his head.

_If you say anything about suicide I’m going to punch you in the gut, stitches and pain be damned._

“I’m just so excited that you’re moving in with me! And seeing my place for the first time!”

“About that,” Akaashi raises his eyebrows, “Kenma has me worried.”

“Whaaa?” Bokuto turns toward Kenma. “What did you say?”

“Let Keiji in already!” Kenma calls from inside. “It’s fucking cold out there!”

“Oh shit!” Bokuto turns back to him and gently pulls Akaashi in. “Sorry! I forgot in my excitement!”

“It’s okay, Koutarou. The cold feels nice.”

Bokuto stops what he’s doing and silently stares at Akaashi. His face is creepily expressionless and Akaashi knows he’s thinking about his attempt. Bokuto, Kuroo, Kenma, and Oikawa probably hadn’t stopped thinking about his attempt yet. A part of Akaashi just wanted to forget it. It hurt, and it led him to this overbearing disaster.

_Stop. Just stop. Don’t look at me like that._

“I’m glad-mmph!”

Akaashi clasps his hand over Bokuto’s mouth. “Please don’t. Not right now.”

Bokuto lowers his eyebrows that had shot up in surprise and softly places his hand over Akaashi’s. He kisses Akaashi’s palm before gently removing his hand. “Anything for you.”

Akaashi pulls his hand away, the desire to run building up inside him again.

“Your room’s all ready.” Bokuto grins before walking further into the apartment. “We managed to fit your bed and desk, but your bookcase was too big. I found a smaller replacement and Tetsu’s going to keep yours for now.”

Bokuto leads him into the main area. It opens directly into the living room, kitchen, and small dining area. The living room is simple and small. There’s a couple of couches that take up most of the space, a coffee table, and a TV stand with movies, games, consoles, and, of course, a TV. On the furthest wall, there’s a built-in book shelf from floor to ceiling that is completely packed with books. Surprisingly, it doesn’t look like it’s all manga, but there’s still plenty there. The kitchen looks simple as well. He’s got the usual stuff: utensils, a rice cooker, a microwave, cutting board. There’s owl and dinosaur magnets on the fridge that holds up notes and restaurant menus.

Everything is neat and so very unlike Bokuto’s personality. Or, it would be, if it weren’t for the plants everywhere. It looks a bit like a forest. There’s small plants, big plants, and some that are small trees ready to be planted outside. Some of them have regular pots, but most of them have ridiculous ones like llamas or volleyballs. Some are hand painted. There’s a matching set of owl pots with some leafy plant on the coffee table. It’s excessive in every sense. Apparently whether it be volleyball or plants, whatever Bokuto was focused on became an obsession for him.

That thought made Akaashi’s stomach churn. Right now, Bokuto was focused on him. Akaashi had already experienced what he thought was Bokuto’s full obsession, but he got the feeling that he was about to be submerged with his attention.

As they move further in, Akaashi sees a small table against the wall closest to the doorway. It has pictures of all Bokuto’s friends on it and from when he played volleyball. There’s a few trophies on the table mixed in too. Under the table is a decorative basket that has blankets in it and a spare volleyball.

On the wall above all this, hangs one single photo with three people in it. Bokuto is in the middle, grinning like it’s the only smile he’ll ever be allotted in the world. There’s a man to the right with black hair. They look a lot alike but Bokuto still seems much warmer than the man. The man’s got his arms wrapped around Bokuto and a woman, wrapping them both in a hug and laughing. The woman to Bokuto’s right has white hair with black roots. She looks like any other woman, minus the hair, but her smile is even more radiant than Bokuto’s.

_“Her existence made me feel like a better person.”_

Akaashi feels a wave of sadness pass through him and he unconsciously reaches out and softly runs his hand over the woman’s face. “Your mother?” He doesn’t look at Bokuto, only stares at the woman.

“Yeah. This is the last picture of us together before she got sick.”

“I’m sorry.” Akaashi snatches his hand away from the picture, not wanting his existence to taint it, and looks down to the floor.

“No, don’t be. She was an amazing woman but she’s not with us anymore. She wouldn’t want anyone to be sad over her. Actually,” Bokuto gives a soft laugh, “she wouldn’t _allow_ us to be sad”.

Akaashi sniffs, trying to hold back tears, and still not brave enough to face Bokuto.

_You threw death in his face again after he lost his mother. How do you think he felt being in that hospital? How much pain do you think it unearthed from his mother’s death? It hasn’t even been two years yet. The wound is still so fresh._

“My dad would still like to meet you. We can tell you stories about her sometime. That way you can feel like you got to meet her. We can also visit her grave any time.” Bokuto wraps an arm around Akaashi’s waist and kisses his temple. “When you’re ready and if you want to, that is.”

Akaashi clutches his bandages.

“That’s for later, though.” Bokuto gently turns him around and leads him to a bedroom. “This is your room. I figured you’d want a safe place to be when you want to be alone. I can rearrange it any way you want, this is just what the ever wise Kenma suggested.”

Kenma’s already in there, unpacking Akaashi’s things, including several of the gifts that Akaashi had gotten, minus the flowers that Bokuto and Kuroo had already taken that morning.

Like most things in Tokyo, the room is small. It doesn’t feel small compared to Akaashi’s old apartment, though. His bed is in the middle of the room looking fresh and alluring. Kenma’s there with his bags. Beside the bed is a small nightstand that houses a lamp, a couple books, his wallet, and broken phone. Against the wall by the door is a book case with all the books he’d kept after trying to get rid of everything he owned. On top of the bookcase are a few of the bouquets he’d received. At the opposite corner is his desk. There’s a window near it with a cushioned seat in front of it. The unnamed succulent Bokuto had given him is resting in the window seal. A few of his personal belongings are sprinkled across the room and his small table is in the corner.

“We can get another book case or a table or something for the corner. We weren’t sure what’d you’d like best.” Bokuto trails off.

“Thank you, Koutarou.” Akaashi walks to the bed and collapses beside where Kenma had the bags.

“You not hungry?”

Akaashi gives a non-committal groan before shaking his head against the sheets. “Want to sleep where it doesn’t smell like weird chemicals and strangers don’t pop in every hour to make sure I’m alive.”

There’s a small awkward chuckle from Bokuto and Kenma pulls some of the bags from the bed.

“The rest of this is laundry. You should change before you sleep.”

“Mhhmmm, mother Kenma.”

Kenma clicks their tongue at him but doesn’t say anything else before walking out.

“Tetsu will be here later.” Bokuto softly whispers as he closes the door. “We’re going to make dinner and watch a movie. I’ll wake you then, okay?”

“Mmm.”

**. . .**

Akaashi wakes to the smell of food. He lunges up in bed, pain searing through his arms from using them to help support himself, and hazily looks around trying to figure out where he was and how he got there for the second time this week. When he finally realizes he’s looking at his things and no the hospital, he gives a sigh of relief.

_I live with Koutarou now. I’m not back in that apartment or the hospital._

He stretches in bed briefly before going to the window to look out. He can’t see much except for buildings. It bothers him more than it should.

_What am I supposed to gaze at while I’m here? The sky grounds me. I can’t pretend to be sane if I don’t have that._

He wants to break things already. He wants to scream.

He can’t.

Sane people don’t lash out like that just because they can’t see the sky from their room. It’s not like this was intentional. He’d have to find some other way to see the sky or ground himself. His face twitches uncontrollably before he can calm himself. He turns to look at his desk instead. Kenma had already placed his laptop on it and his textbooks were there as well. There was a new frame with a picture of Bokuto, Kuroo, and him in it from their trip to Nikko together. It was at the Takiroo Shrine; the same place Akaashi had taken a secret picture of Bokuto and Kuroo. Akaashi and Kuroo are arguing about something, devious smiles on their faces since they were just doing it to piss each other off, and Bokuto had part of his face in the frame smiling and laughing at them.

_When did he sneak this?_

Akaashi brushes his fingers across it gently, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips, despite himself.

There’s laughter followed by shushing noises from the main area. He’s supposed to go out there. He’s supposed to go socialize and pretend nothing ever happened. That he’s happy to be alive and that he wants to get better. That they all have a future together. Or that he at least has a future. To be a puppet that has a painted smile across its face and not care if he gets tossed one way or another by some invisible force.

He sits on the seat at the window and stares out. It’s not the sky, but he always found something strangely beautiful about Tokyo anyway. The lights, the structures, everything about Tokyo was always so orderly, it brought some peace of mind. He sits there, completely zoned out, until there’s a knock on his door.

Akaashi continues to stare out the window, but out of the corner of his eye he can see the door open, slowly at first, just enough to see the empty bed, and then fling the rest of the way open. Bokuto’s there, a fake, wild smile plastered on his face, searching for Akaashi. Akaashi can feel the internal screaming followed by a sigh of relief from Bokuto and cringes from it.

Bokuto comes in, shutting the door behind him, and sits on the bed near Akaashi. “Can’t sleep?” His voice is a whisper like he’s afraid of breaking Akaashi still.

_Not long enough._

“Just woke up. Wasn’t ready to go out there yet.” His eyes stay trained on the street.

“Oh. I’ll go then. Dinner’s ready if you’re hungry.”

Akaashi hums, still not looking at him.

Bokuto gives him another kiss on the temple before quietly leaving.

He doesn’t realize until a few minutes later that he’s supposed to be pretending to be a happy shiny person and not the depressed fuck he is.

_You’ve faked your whole life. Not looking like you’re ready to jump off a bridge here should be easy._

He takes a few deep breaths before finding clothes. He stops short of the door and stares at it, every inch of his being wanting to test the window. He’s only two stories up. He’d break his legs and wouldn’t be able to escape or die from it. No way he was going back to the hospital. He _couldn’t_ go back there.

He grabs the handle and goes through the door before he can think anymore. Doing things without thinking would be his best option right now. Maybe he could survive on auto-pilot for a few months before slipping away.

Three sets of eyes land on him immediately. The urge to go back through the door and test the window intensifies. He turns to close the door, so he won’t have to face them for a second before turning around and giving them a sleepy “good morning”.

“Morning, Starshine. Sleep well?” Kuroo gives him a soft smile while leaning against the counter. He’s like Kenma and his eyes don’t leave Akaashi more than necessary.

_The cat is going to be even more trouble now. No. Everyone’s going to be more trouble._

Kenma crawls off a bar stool and latches to Akaashi again.

“Best I could’ve without Kenma to cuddle with.” Akaashi tries to step forward, but Kenma has him rooted to the ground.

Kuroo gives a low whistle in response while Bokuto stands there dumbfounded.

“I can’t believe we’ve been replaced. I thought we were the cuddle champions.” Bokuto whispers.

“Don’t worry, bro. It’s only temporary. As soon as Kenma leaves, we’ll earn our title back.”

“Good fucking luck.” Kenma mutters into Akaashi’s stomach. “You can’t win if I don’t let him go.”

“What if I have to pee?” Akaashi shakes his leg slightly for emphasis really not wanting to be touched right now.

“As long as my phone or games don’t get wet, I don’t care.”

“Come here, you.” Kuroo chides and pulls Kenma from Akaashi.

“Traitor.” Kenma huffs before sulking back to their barstool.

Kuroo grins at Akaashi and looks like he’s going to hug him, but instead he steps aside and offers a path to the bathroom, doing a little bow ushering him forward with arms showcasing a path. “Unlike Kenma, I don’t have a piss fetish.”

“Shut up, Kuro.”

“Uh huh.” Akaashi answers flatly before scurrying to the bathroom to escape them.

He takes longer than necessary, but less than what would raise suspicion. He had timed bathroom breaks down to a science. It’s also something else he’d been doing for years. When he gets back, Bokuto’s dishing out rice, Kuroo’s filling drinks, and Kenma’s at the table playing a game. Everything’s normal. Akaashi quietly tiptoes in.

“Would you like help with anything?” He tentatively whispers already knowing that he’s going to be shut down. He hadn’t been allowed to do anything that wasn’t rest, relax, or sleep. He was pretty sure he was almost capable of being a plant. He just had to get the whole photosynthesis thing down. Being a plant might be nice. As long as he could bloom for people to enjoy, he wouldn’t feel guilty about being arrogant enough to live.

“Nope!” Bokuto cheers. “We’ve got everything. You can sit wherever!” He offers a big grin, dropping some rice on the counter in the process.

“Oh! Sit next to me.” Kuroo smirks before swinging over to kiss Akaashi on the cheek.

“Is this high school?” Akaashi grumbles before taking the seat across from Kenma, leaving empty seats on either side of him.

“I don’t think high school ever ended for those two idiots.” Kenma mumbles before turning off their game. “They still frolic around like a couple of kids with no worries in the world.”

“Says the one who still plays games all the time.” Kuroo chides, placing drinks down.

“Oh!” Bokuto brings a few dishes over. “What were you like in high school, Keiji?”

_A depressed, frivolous flirt mostly._

“Studious.” Akaashi winces as he picks his tea up for a sip.

“What else? You said you played volleyball then, right? Date anyone? Other hobbies? Fun trips?”

_Rebelling and being deceitful. Why does it even matter?_

Akaashi takes another sip of tea, trying to avoid this conversation, when a light goes off in his head. His eyes widen in surprise and he sets his tea back down quickly.

_Maybe if I tell them awful things, they won’t want to be around me anymore. Then I can escape._

“I studied and played volleyball mostly even though my parents didn’t want me to play. Said it was a waste of my time. I was a low-key ass to my team because I hated my life so much. Outside of that, I had cram school and would occasionally be forced to work with my father. No time for other hobbies. I was asked out more than I can remember. Out of defiance to my parents, I said yes to everyone who asked. I’d meet people after school to make out and dry hump each other. Around that time, I figured out I didn’t have a gag reflex and became even more popular with the guys. Girls loved me too, though. One girl asked me to fuck her,”

He can see Bokuto’s head swing over in his direction at that, not having any knowledge of that even though he’d been the first person Akaashi had ever had sex with and knew it.

“Just as we were about to do it, she told me that she loved me, and I left her there. I didn’t want her love. I didn’t even like being touched then. I just wanted to have some control over my life and to piss off my parents. I’d come home looking disheveled with lipstick on me all the time. I’ve never seen my father look so proud as he watched me go to my room thinking I’d just banged a girl.”

There’s a stunned silence at his candidness. He coolly sips his tea, wondering what else he can say to continue the awkward silence. How he could ruin this meal. Politics maybe?

“Wait.” Kuroo looks confused and is moving his face around in thought. “So, the first people you had sex with is Bo and I?”

Akaashi’s mouth drops open and he gives Kuroo a flat look. “Sorry I didn’t fuck everyone I met including married women like you did.”

A snort comes from Kenma and Bokuto covers his mouth to hide his laughter.

“Aww.” Kuroo walks back over and plops down into a chair beside Akaashi. “Are you bitter that I wasn’t fucking you sooner? You had months to make that opportunity a reality before you started dating bird brain over there. I even offered.”

“Maybe I should’ve. I’ve never had hate sex before.” Akaashi raises an eyebrow and smirks back trying to rile Kuroo up.

“That so?” Kuroo purrs back, looking entirely too calm. “Maybe we should find a married woman for you to fuck too. I’d love to watch it.” He leans forward and breathes against Akaashi’s ear. “Once you feel pussy around your dick, you might never come back to me or Bo.”

Akaashi gives a shiver and stares back at Kuroo.

_He’s just trying to press my buttons. Master of provocation even in times like this._

“Guyyys.” Bokuto whines from the kitchen. “Why are you fighting?”

“We’re not fighting.” Kuroo purrs back, still not pulling his eyes from Akaashi, the golden caramel glint boring into him. “Keiji’s trying to push us away, so I’m pushing back.” He arches an eyebrow and brings his face closer to Akaashi’s. “No matter how much you rebel, you’re stuck with us. Even if you want to go fuck around in rebellion. Just tell us all the juicy details.”

Akaashi’s traitorous eyes flicker down to Kuroo’s lips. He hated him right now, but his body still wanted him.

Kuroo’s eyes gleam at Akaashi looking at his lips. He licks his own before looking at Akaashi’s lips and leaning in a little. He only gets a couple of inches closer before he jolts suddenly and shoots a hurt look toward Kenma.

“If you’re going to fuck, do it in the bedroom and not in front of my dinner.” They flatly reply while slowly shoving rice in their mouth.

“You can do it in front of my dinner!” Bokuto waggles his eyebrows as he sets the last of the dishes on the table. "And anywhere else in the apartment at any time.” He maniacally looks back and forth between the two of them with a forced smile like he’s about to ask if they need snacks or condoms.

Akaashi rolls his eyes and starts to put some food on his plate. “Thanks, Koutarou, but no thanks.”

He catches Kuroo frowning a bit at that, but his face returns to its usual smirk shortly after.

“That’s okay. I’m here even if you never let me within a foot of you again and constantly remind me of what trash I was. You could let Bo fuck your brains out and have me watch. Doesn’t matter. You’re stuck with me.”

“Who said Koutarou and I would be having sex?”

Okay, he’d planned to behave, but Kuroo had pissed him off. Wanting to be close to his body also pissed him off.

“That’s okay too!” Bokuto piped up. “Sex is just like a perk anyway. I’m just happy you’re here and you don’t hate me.”

“That’s debatable.” Akaashi shoves some food in his mouth.

The table stills.

“Huh?” Bokuto quietly responds.

Akaashi sighs and sets his chopsticks down. He wasn’t hungry, and he’d failed to pretend to be perfect. “I said not hating you is debatable.”

“Kei-“ Kuroo angrily gets out before getting kicked by Kenma again.

Akaashi gives another sigh before standing up. “I want to be alone.” He walks to his bedroom, silence still ringing in the apartment.

He quietly shuts the door, hand searching for a lock, but finds none.

_You fucking piece of shit, Koutarou._

He fumes before going back to the window and staring out of it. No one follows him or knocks on his door.

**. . .**

At some point, he gets tired and falls asleep. And, at some point after that, he falls to the floor. He groans and rubs his head, blearily looking around to garner his surroundings.

_Still here._

The apartment is quiet and there’s no light shining from under the door, so he assumed everyone has left and Bokuto is asleep. Curious, he cracks his door open quietly, and peers out. Only the light from the microwave and the city lights seeping in from the dining room window light the room. He can see Bokuto’s door open and hear him snoring. He tiptoes further out, so he can look into Bokuto’s room.

It’s completely dark in there, but thanks to outside light, he can see far enough in to the bed. Bokuto and Kuroo are curled up together, blissfully sleeping away. Akaashi takes a small step forward, wanting to join them, but stops himself. He didn’t belong there. They looked so peaceful, so natural together.

Instead, he finds himself creeping to the door.

“Keiji?”

Akaashi feels his blood freeze as he nears the door beside the bathroom. He slowly turns to find a shirtless and half asleep Bokuto rubbing his eyes and staring at him.

“Something wrong?”

_Yes. You’re up. You were just sleeping. Go back to that._

“Just using the bathroom.”

“Oh.” Bokuto closes the gap between them and pulls Akaashi into a hug, something that Akaashi had tried to avoid since he stepped foot into the apartment. He was probably too asleep to realize what he was doing. He sways them back and forth quietly and kisses Akaashi’s head. “If you’re hungry I can heat you up some leftovers.”

Akaashi quietly shakes his head.

“You want to get in bed with me and Tetsu?”

Akaashi pauses. He did. He really did. After a moment, he shakes his head.

“Watch TV with me for a bit then?”

TV didn’t require speaking and he didn’t think he could sleep anymore today. He’d hit his limit. He gives one nod and Bokuto lets him go. Akaashi physically stutters for a moment before going into the bathroom without another word.

When he gets back, Bokuto has his bedroom door closed and the TV on with the volume almost silent.

“It’ll have to be mostly subtitles since Tetsu is the world’s lightest sleeper.” Bokuto whispers, sitting off to one side of the couch.

Akaashi takes the spot on the opposite side and faces forward. Bokuto taps him softly with the remote, offering for him to pick what to watch, but Akaashi just silently shakes his head. It’s not like he’d enjoy anything right now anyway. TV was just a way to occupy him until he could fall back asleep again.

He doesn’t notice what Bokuto picks, and he’s not really paying any attention to it, he just stares forward at the screen, screaming internally. Bokuto stays quiet on his side of the couch, looking tired but calm, eyes darting back and forth between the TV and Akaashi. It’s all almost peaceful, if Akaashi wasn’t aware of the internal strife between the two of them.

Eventually, he gets uncomfortable and stretches out a bit, trying to find a position that’s comfortable for both his legs and arms.

“I can move to the other couch, if you want to stretch out.” Bokuto whispers, not quite looking at him. “Or you can lay on me.”

Akaashi pauses in his fidgeting and considers. He’s been a big enough dick to Bokuto today. He needed to stop hurting him. He slowly scoots over until he can lean against Bokuto’s side. Bokuto wraps one arm around him and pulls him in closer, rubbing his arm softly. Akaashi closes his eyes and takes in Bokuto’s scent. Akaashi had allowed him to be close just yesterday, but it already felt so far away. Leaving the hospital felt like he was just waking up again.

Tears start bubbling up. He’s torn between never wanting to leave and needing to leave. Needing to not exist. If Bokuto notices, he doesn’t react. He just calmly continues to hold Akaashi against him and rubs his arm.

**. . .**

The next time Akaashi wakes up, he’s back in his bed alone. The door is open, and he can smell food wafting in. Panic strikes him again, and he stumbles out of bed to see where Bokuto had gone, worried he’d left forever. Instead of finding Bokuto, he finds Kuroo sitting at the kitchen table reading and eating breakfast. Hearing Akaashi he turns and gives a small smile.

“Morning, Starshine. There’s breakfast and coffee if you want it. I’ll make you a plate, if you like.”

_He has to leave for school soon. Koutarou seems to be gone. I’ll be alone._

Akaashi’s eyes light up and he sits beside Kuroo, staring down at the table. “Will you get me coffee? I don’t know if I can without dropping it yet.”

“Sure thing.” Kuroo gets up and kisses him on the temple before walking over to the kitchen. “Any food?”

“Sure.”

Kuroo hums and brings Akaashi coffee before returning to the kitchen and pulling a plate out.

“I’m going to leave for class in a bit, but I’ll be back in the afternoon. Bo’s already gone to work and won’t be back until it’s time for him to walk the dogs.” Kuroo sets a plate in front of Akaashi. “Bo said you weren’t going back to school.”

“No.”

“Would you like us to handle your withdrawal? Kenma already has everything ready to turn in.”

“Yes.”

“M’kay. We’ll do it at the end of the week then just in case you change your mind.”

Akaashi opens his mouth to criticize Kuroo for trying to make his decisions for him, but Kuroo holds both of his hands up knowing it was coming.

“I don’t think you will. It’s more of a just in case thing. If you do happen to change your mind, it’d be too late, and you’d have to complete the whole semester again. It’s mostly so we can have peace of mind since we’ll be the ones executing your decision instead of letting you.”

“Fine.” Akaashi shoves some food in his mouth so he doesn’t have to say anything else.

“Another thing,” Kuroo grimaces a bit and looks to Akaashi fully, “I’m sorry about this, but Oikawa is going to be here in a bit to go with you to get a new phone.”

Akaashi’s nose flares and his mouth drops open to protest, but Kuroo beats him to it again.

“I know. I know. We tried to tell him no, but he’s a stubborn fuck and wouldn’t take no for an answer. If it’s any consolation, it should only be for a few hours at most. Although I get the feeling he’s going to drag you to the salon and try to take you clothes shopping too so it might end up being an all day event.” Kuroo grimaces again.

Akaashi stares at him in horror, the first time he’d fully looked at Kuroo all morning, and then looks down at his arms before looking back at Kuroo.

Kuroo slowly moves one hand over to Akaashi’s closest arm and runs his hand against it. “Nobody knows, Starshine. They’re not going to look at you like you’re some freak. If anything, they’ll be confused as to why you’d ever want to spend time with Oikawa, especially since you’re so much prettier and smarter than him. Not to mention, not annoying. If it gets too bad, you can call me, and I’ll come save you. That means you have to try to put up with him until you at least have your new phone.”

“Is Iwaizumi-san going to be there too?”

Kuroo frowns. “He has to work. It’ll just be you two.”

“Shouldn’t Oikawa be working?”

“Unfortunately, it’s Monday and the salon’s closed today. Except for when he breaks in to give you a haircut against your will.”

Akaashi gives a groan and flops back in his seat. He closes his eyes in frustration. Kuroo gives a small giggle that makes him partially open one eye.

“It’s nice to see you being so honest.”

Akaashi gives him a glare before returning to his breakfast and not speaking.

**. . .**

He only has ten minutes between Kuroo leaving and there being a knock on the door. Akaashi quickly answers the door before Oikawa can start making a scene and beating on it like he used to do at his apartment. He opens it with an annoyed look on his face.

“Did you two time this so you wouldn’t have to see each other but wouldn’t leave me alone?”

“Goood mooorning~ to you too, Keiji-kun!” Oikawa beams before pushing his way inside. “Why would you _ever_ ~ think that?”

Akaashi gives him a flat, unimpressed look back. “I thought you were a better liar than this. Why else would Iwaizumi-san still be with you if he didn’t believe your lies?”

“Ohhh! Attacking my insecurities already this morning, are you?” Oikawa coos, getting entirely too close to Akaashi, his dangerous eyes gleaming vindictively. “Glad you still have some fighting spirit. Want to try my bad knee next? Or how my parents disowned me. How your parents pretend I’m not gay? How I’m worried Iwa will wake up one day and finally be tired of my shit?” He grabs Akaashi in a quick forceful hug. “Cause I’m all~ for that.”

Akaashi stares back at him.

_Monster._

“That’s what I thought.” He assumes his smile he dons for the public. “Now, have you thought about what phone you want?”

“You don’t already have one, a case, and a screen protector picked out for me?”

“I do, but it’s nice to let you think you have a choice.” Oikawa’s grin widens before opening the front door again. “So, let’s get this over with so we can continue on with our day.”

Akaashi huffs. “I’m tired. I should be resting.”

“Yeah,” Oikawa pulls Akaashi from the apartment, “we both know that’s bullshit. If you were really in pain, you wouldn’t have gotten out of bed. The only pain you’re in is here,” he points to Akaashi’s head, “and here.” He points to Akaashi’s heart. “I can’t fix that, but I’m going to try to make it a little less painful.”

“Then you’re letting me stay home?”

“No way in hell.”

_Dammit_.

Oikawa has a cab waiting already so Akaashi won’t have to walk. Akaashi doesn’t think that’s the only reason why, but he doesn’t care. The less people he has to deal with, the better. He wasn’t in the mood to people today.

At the electronics store, Oikawa lets him look around halfheartedly before showing him which phone he’d already picked. They get it taken care of easily enough except for Oikawa attempting to pay for his new phone. Akaashi had to snatch Oikawa’s card up and replace it with his own.

“No. Absolutely not. Some things I’m willing to accept because you’re so damn stubborn, but a phone is too expensive. You have a wedding to save for.”

“But-“

“No. It’s my fault my phone is fried.”

The sales associate looks uncomfortably between the two of them before taking Akaashi’s card. They wait for the screen protector to be applied and for the cloud to finish installing all his apps and syncing contacts. The whole process doesn’t take long but by the time they’re done, it’s already lunch time.

“Woo~. I’m beat!” Oikawa yawns and stretches.

_Go home then._

“What do you feel like for lunch?”

“Why does it feel like everyone is always trying to stuff me with food?”

“Something light then?” Oikawa hums to himself. “A café sounds good. More coffee for you is always a good idea. Maybe you’ll be less cranky.”

“Tooru, there isn’t enough coffee in the world to make me less bitter.”

**. . .**

Oikawa keeps him for hours. After lunch Oikawa drags him to the salon and then shopping. He doesn’t even have Akaashi try things on, not that he would’ve agreed to that anyway. He just holds them against him and decides if they’ll fit and if they’ll look good. It’s a bit freaky to Akaashi. If he weren’t so tired and fed up, he’d be impressed.

When he finally gets back home, he’s gotten a new phone, a haircut, a facial, and about an entire new wardrobe including shoes. Oikawa carries his bags into the apartment for him and sets them in his room, knowing full well that there was no way in hell Akaashi was going to try them on or put them up anytime soon. Shortly after, he gives Akaashi another hug and quiet goodbyes.

Akaashi stands, a bit stunned, in front of the closed door.

_Why do I get the eerie feeling someone else will be here soon? It’s like being visited by three ghosts on Christmas eve. Come on, ghost of Christmas future._

He shudders before going back in the apartment and laying on the couch. He winds up staring at the picture of Bokuto and his parents again. They looked so happy but were torn apart by illness. His mother was gone and his relationship with his father seemed tense. Even though his mother died, Akaashi was a bit jealous of how happy they looked. They’d been happy at one point and it seemed like they genuinely cared for each other. He didn’t know what that was like. Couldn’t even imagine it.

He didn’t know about Kuroo’s family. Or Kenma’s for that matter. He knew too much about Oikawa’s since they pretty much grew up together, though not since Oikawa started university and they’d disowned him.

There’s rustling at the door that pulls his attention from the picture. Kuroo walks in looking worn out and done with life. He gives Akaashi a small smile before dropping his bag and plopping down on the other couch.

“Starshine, why is school so hard?” He groans, propping his feet up on the arm of the couch.

Akaashi gives a snicker. “So even the ever arrogant Kuroo-san gets flustered as well?”

Kuroo gives a sigh and rolls his head back to stare at the ceiling. “’Kuroo-san?’ Please don’t kick me while I’m down. I was already humiliated in front of the rest of the grad students today.”

Akaashi hums. “That bad a day?”

Kuroo hums and straightens his head up so he can look at Akaashi. “Not that bad. You’re here and acknowledging my existence, so I can probably continue on until at least tomorrow.”

“That so?”

“Absolutely.”

“Will you tell me about your family?”

Kuroo jolts a little in surprise before following Akaashi’s eyes up to the photo on the wall. “Are you sure you really want to hear about that?”

“I was curious. You’ve never talked about them.”

“Let’s just say that Bo’s and Kenma’s parents are my parents. I had grandparents, but they were older and they’ve all passed away.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s in the past. I’ll tell you more one day.” Kuroo sighs and places his hands on the back of his head. “That aside, I see you survived Oikawa.”

“Barely.”

“Want me to fuss at him?”

“Iwaizumi-san is going to murder him for me after I tell him what he drug me through today.”

“Brutal, Starshine.” Kuroo grins. “Bo’s gonna be home to change soon. You wanna go out walking with him or did Oikawa wear you out too much?”

_Pretend to be normal. Pretend to be happy._

“I think I might like that. Seeing the dogs would be nice.”

Kuroo gives a grin before sending a text. “I’ll let you two play in the cold and smell like dog. I’ll be doing homework and making dinner in the warmth.”

**. . .**

“Hatsuharu has gotten so big.” Akaashi’s kneeling and scratching under Hatsuharu’s chin. He’s eating the attention up and trying to push Akaashi down, so he can lick his face.

“Yup!” Bokuto beams at Akaashi. “He’s not done growing yet, though. I think he’s going to be big. Maybe even too big.”

Akaashi stops scratching Hatsuharu and frowns at Bokuto. “Too big? They wouldn’t get rid of him, would they?”

“Nah. He just might have to be taken for walks more often or go to a doggie daycare. His owner’s apartment is big, but not big enough for an oversized dog. Not without him getting to rambunctious and destroying things if he doesn’t have some sort of outlet for his energy.”

Akaashi looks back down at Hatsuharu frowning. Hatsuharu uses Akaashi’s momentary lapse to his advantage and licks Akaashi over the lips.

“Ew.” Akaashi groans and stands back up, wiping his mouth.

“Aw. He loves you. Still think he likes you more than me.” Bokuto chuckles at Akaashi’s displeasure. One of the dogs barks and another whines since Akaashi was cutting into their exercise time. “Ready to go?”

“Sure.”

He takes a few steps away, so he won’t have to be close to Bokuto or the dogs. He’d agreed to walk but he hadn’t considered that it would involve being his usual self. Bokuto was the one to save him but he was also the one that ensured Akaashi would continue to suffer. He hadn’t been lying when he’d told Bokuto he hates him a little.

They walk in silence. Akaashi doesn’t have anything to say and Bokuto probably doesn’t know what to say or what he can say. It’s too cold and Akaashi’s regretting leaving the apartment even though he didn’t want to be there either. He didn’t want to be anywhere. Where do you go when nowhere feels good to be at?

It feels like they’ve walked forever and Bokuto still isn’t talking. Akaashi’s not sure if he’s just sleep walking since he’d been up part of the night with him or on the verge of imploding.

“Koutarou, please talk. This is ten times more uncomfortable in silence.”

Bokuto jumps and lets out a small ‘eep’. “Sorry. I just don’t know what to talk about. Everything feels so,” he trails off a bit, “fragile.”.

“I’m not fragile. I’d prefer it if you pretended everything is normal.”

“But it’s not, Keiji. It’s not. I can’t pretend anything didn’t happen. It’s not going to help. And I know you’re not fragile. I just meant the situation. I’m not good at things like this. Tetsu is. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to help.”

“Then stop trying.”

“No.”

It’s a resolute no and is the most stern thing that’s ever come from Bokuto’s mouth.

They walk in silence a bit longer.

“Do you really hate me?”

“A little bit.”

Bokuto gives a big sigh. Akaashi expects him to start crying and cling to him, begging him to not hate him. It makes him recoil internally.

“I don’t like it, but I’ll accept all the hate you have right now. I don’t regret finding you. I’ll never regret it.”

**. . .**

Dinner is so awkward that Akaashi would’ve almost preferred having dinner with his parents. Almost. The intense silence of this dinner was preferable over his parent’s snide comments and meaningless chatter. The only reason Akaashi cared to eat was the hot miso soup Kuroo had made. It was entirely too damn cold outside. The soup helped warm and soothe him, but it still wasn’t enough.

“Do we have any booze?” Akaashi looks up from his plate at Bokuto. Booze would warm him up and make dinner much, much better.

Bokuto’s eyes widen and then narrow. “Sorry, fresh out.”

“Liar.”

“Feel free to check. This is an alcohol-free house.”

Akaashi glares at Bokuto before rolling his eyes and getting up. He can feel Kuroo internally growling at him, about to snap because he’s being hateful toward Bokuto again. He doesn’t care. Booze would save tonight. Maybe with enough booze he could pretend to be jolly and be physically close to his boy-

_Are they even still my boyfriends? They still think of us that way but how do I think of us? Why am I even here? I should be distancing myself from them. Why aren’t they distancing themselves from me? They’ve done their duty making sure I’m still alive. Wouldn’t running away from me be best for everyone? Who wants to be with someone like me?_

Akaashi leans against the kitchen counter, staring into the dining area where Bokuto and Kuroo are intently ignoring him and eating their dinner. He can’t come up with a reason why he’s still there but can’t come up with a better reason to leave. He couldn’t come up with reasons. His head was still to foggy to think anything or make any decisions. Except booze. He could do booze.

He scours through all the cabinets and fridge but comes up empty. His eyes flicker to Bokuto’s room, and he considers searching there, but then he remembered he had money again. And GPS to find a liquor store. Nothing was stopping him from getting piss drunk.

_Alcohol-free house, my ass._

He quietly goes back to his room and gathers his things to leave. He silently passes through the kitchen and heads toward the front door. There’s a scrambling behind him as somebody gets up to follow him.

“Hey, uh.” Bokuto’s trailing after him as he slips on his shoes. “Where are-. You want some company?”

“No, thanks.” Akaashi finishes slipping on his shoes and walks out the door.

Seconds later, the door opens again and Bokuto rushes out after him still slipping on his shoes.

“I don’t need a babysitter, Koutarou.”

“I know. I was just wanting to, uh, get some fresh air.”

Akaashi cuts him a glare. “In the middle of your dinner?”

“Well, uh, if I get some exercise now, I’ll be able to eat more when I get back. You know how much I love food.”

_Tetsurou’s not even a good cook._

Akaashi gives a sigh and keeps walking, knowing that he won’t be able to shake him. He pulls his phone out and starts following directions. Bokuto silently follows behind him, letting him do as he pleases.

_I feel like a fucking child. Grade school kids have more freedom than I do right now._

Akaashi purchases a huge bottle of vodka without issue and starts the journey back home. No. Back to Bokuto’s apartment. He doesn’t have a home right now. All is going well until he gets about halfway back.

Then he gets tired. He’d spent entirely too much time walking between Oikawa keeping him out all day and then walking the dogs with Bokuto. He hated to admit it, but he was still recovering, and he didn’t exactly have his normal amount of strength. The bottle he’d bought was too heavy and was hurting his arms even though he kept switching from side to side. His gluttony became his downfall.

He sets the bottle on the ground and leans against the wall to rest. It’s getting dark and even colder than before. In his hurry, he hadn’t put a jacket on. Bokuto rests against the building as well, still not speaking.

_He’s learning. He knows better than to offer to carry it._

Bokuto acts like Akaashi doesn’t exist or is so unmonumental that he’s no more apparent than his own shadow. Akaashi side eyes him before sighing and staring up at the sky, letting it fill him up with its beauty and giving him a sense of ease.

“I love the sky. It was the last thing I looked at before I tried to kill myself. I thought maybe I’d see it when I was bleeding out, but I didn’t.”

“What did you see?” Bokuto’s voice is barely above a whisper. Akaashi’s not one-hundred percent sure Bokuto had even voiced the question and that it wasn’t Akaashi’s mind supplying it.

“Nothing. I was cold and scared. I didn’t see anything. The only thing I was painfully aware of was my regret.”

There’s a silence as Bokuto shuffles around uncomfortably.

“And the sound of your voice calling to me.”

Akaashi brings his head from the sky and turns to face Bokuto. He’s staring back at him with his mouth wide open, tears filling his eyes and pouring down his face.

“My guess is you got there just as I was losing consciousness.” Akaashi pushes himself off the wall. “You know what I wanted to see when I died?”

“Wha-at?” Bokuto’s voice cracks.

“Memories of our trip to Nikko. Waking up with you crushing me and Tetsurou clinging to me. Two sets of the worst bedhead I’ve ever seen. Us all laughing together like we’ve never had a bad day and nothing could ever go wrong. The way we all whispered ‘I love you’ to each other like it was the only important thing in the world. Like it was the only thing keeping us together.” He gives a dry laugh. “Maybe if we could stay on vacation like that forever then I’d want to live.”

He stoops down to pick his booze back up. His arms still hurt, causing him to flinch in pain. Bokuto swoops in and grabs it from him.

“I’m just going to carry it for you. I’ve tried to help you feel less pain, but I failed. The least I can do is help you not feel physical pain.”

“I wish I wasn’t causing everyone pain by just existing.” Akaashi whispers before turning and walking briskly away. He can hear Bokuto follow after him, but he gives Akaashi space and quiet.

It’s not until the reach the apartment complex that Akaashi gets Bokuto in his eyesight. He’s not carrying Akaashi’s booze.

“Koutarou.” Akaashi narrows his eyes and stares at Bokuto’s empty hands.

Bokuto jumps and guilt floods his face. “Ye-. Yes?”

“You seem to be missing something vital.”

Bokuto looks around feigning confusion terribly before looking back at Akaashi and giving a guilty smile and rubbing the back of his head. “Whoops?”

Akaashi inhales sharply through his nose and closes his eyes.

_I should’ve known better. I let my guard down. It was stupid, especially after telling him all that._

He exhales before turning back to the apartment. When he gets inside he goes straight to his room and shuts the door. There’s whispering in the main area, but he doesn’t listen. He’s too exhausted. He’ll rest and start an escape plan tomorrow.

**. . .**

He wakes up to the smell of coffee and food again the next morning.

_I swear it’s like everyone I know thinks breakfast is a goddamn integral part of life. Who the hell eats this much? It’s not normal._

He gives a tentative peek out of his room to see who’s home. He can’t see anyone except for a pair of socked feet over the arm of the couch.

_Figures I couldn’t be alone._

He gives a sigh of defeat before heading over to the coffee pot and grabbing the mug that had been left out for him.

“I can pour it for you if you like.” Kuroo’s voice comes drifting from behind the couch.

Akaashi startles slightly before picking up the coffee pot anyway and messily pouring himself a cup. After cleaning up after himself, he debates if he wants to go back to his room to hide. Frankly, he’d only been there a couple of days, but he was tired of that room already. It wasn’t his. He sits on the empty couch and glares at Kuroo.

He’s in a loose t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants that look unfairly good on him. He’s wearing his reading glasses and there’s a textbook propped on his legs that he’s highlighting. There’s an empty coffee mug on the table along with some scattered notes and another textbook.

“There’s also breakfast in the microwave if you’re hungry.”

“Why are you here?”

Kuroo’s eyebrows raise even though he’s still staring at his book. “That’s the second time you’ve asked me that in a week. The answer’s still the same: because I love you and I want to be near you.”

“Save your sappiness. I meant in this apartment.”

A smirk makes its way across Kuroo’s face. “Oh. That. Both of my boyfriends live here and I’m invading their space. I also have a key, so.”

“Skipping class just to be annoying?”

“Aw. I’m heartbroken you don’t have my life schedule memorized. No class until tonight.”

“Great. You’re my warden until Koutarou gets home then?”

“Warden, sex toy, masseuse, boyfriend, silent. Whatever you want me to be.” He closes the book and sets it on the table, so he can sit up and stretch. “If it’s sex toy, give me enough time to finish reading another chapter before Bo gets home. I don’t want to repeat yesterday.”

“Don’t worry, you humiliate yourself everyday already.”

“Thanks, love.” Kuroo gives a big grin. “You want breakfast or nah?”

“Nah, bro.”

Kuroo does a full-body cringe. “You know, I was happy that you were even talking to me before you said that. Now I’m full of regret.”

Akaashi snorts and settles down into the couch more, watching Kuroo.

“Are you dragging me places today, bro?”

“Only if you want me to. I’m not like Oikawa or Bo. I’m not going to make you do anything. Just gonna make sure you’re safe.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

“In exchange for not being clingy, you have to talk to me.”

Akaashi narrows his eyes and takes a sip of his coffee. “I’ll consider it.”

“Good. Fair warning though, I’m gonna stalk you if you do leave. If you don’t want to be embarrassed by how I look, give me a heads up when you want to make a break for it.”

“You’re the polar opposite of Koutarou. He cries when he looks my direction now.”

“I wouldn’t say polar opposites. He and I have the same goals, just different ways of getting there. He wants to coddle you into happiness whereas I want to annoy you so much that you feel like if you’re not excessively happy and living your best life, that I’ve won somehow. I want to piss you off that much.”

“Aren’t we supposed to be dating?”

“We are.”

“How did anyone ever date you before?”

“They only wanted me for sex. You and Bo are probably the only people to ever date me for my personality.”

“If that’s what you want to think.”

**. . .**

_Wednesday. Koutarou’s at work and Tetsurou has class. Finally, some alone time._

Akaashi walks out of his room in his underwear. He’d been waiting by his door listening to Bokuto and Kuroo get ready for the day. Only after the apartment had been fully quiet for five minutes had he dared to breech the barrier of his cave.

_I can’t believe they left me alone._

His eyes wander around the apartment. They’d both left in a hurry. No time for breakfast or to even attempt to tell him bye. Apparently babysitting and pretending to be a perfect happy family had finally caught up with them.

_I can’t believe they just left me alone._

He’d been wanting alone time for almost a week. Now that he had it, he didn’t know what to do with it. Or if he even still wanted it. The apartment felt cold and too big all of a sudden. He missed the worried eyes and the snarky remarks.

_What now?_

Lost, he grabs one of the spare blankets to wrap around himself and sits on the couch holding his head in his hands.

_I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. How am I supposed to function? I can’t even think straight enough anymore to tell if I want to live or die. How the fuck am I supposed to exist every day? How do people even deal with going from one day to the next? There’s so much weight. So much pressure. What if you pick the wrong life or make mistakes? What if you’re hurting people and you don’t know it? What then? How do people live as failures?_

He gives an exasperated sigh and leans back against the couch. He finds his eyes wandering back to Bokuto’s mom.

“I wish you were here. Maybe you could help me figure out what I should do. You’d be able to tell me what’s right. Help give me the strength to live and cherish your son and Tetsu like they deserve or the courage to attempt to off myself again.”

He stares at her, he doesn’t even know her given name, or Bokuto’s father’s, and remembers how she used to play with Bokuto when he’d get depressed when he was little. How his love for plants came from that silly movie and his mother’s imagination. His eyes flicker around the room, admiring all the greenage Bokuto had procured and shoved into such a tiny space. It was soothing in its own overcrowded ridiculous way. He wanted to show Bokuto’s mother respect somehow but the only way he could think to do so was by watering Bokuto’s plants. He didn’t know how to take care of plants or want to mess with whatever the hell Bokuto had going on.

_There is one plant he hasn’t been able to water. It’s my fault but at least I know I won’t be overwatering it._

Akaashi goes to his room and grabs his unnamed succulent. He gives it a little water in the kitchen before going back to his room and setting it back in the windowsill.

_Maybe I should name you. It’s been months. It’s unfair you’re the only unnamed plant in the entire place, even though I don’t know any of the other plant’s names. Or what the hell they are._

He gets on his knees and rests his chin on the chair so he’s mostly eye level with his plant. It’d grown considerably since he’d first gotten it. It had grown much taller, was three stalks, and had bloomed a couple of flowers. All from a small piece of clipped plant that was smaller than his pinky.

_How do you feel about Konki? I think it would suit you well._

He gives Konki a smile before realizing he’s still alone. Feeling uncomfortable from not having an observer, he gets dressed, debating on what to do today. If he should do anything or run away.

He ends up grabbing his phone, wallet, a facemask, and sunglasses. Konki needed a little nameplate of some sort in celebration of having a name. Maybe even a new pot even though he’d want Bokuto to help him move Konki over. He gets as far as opening the front door when he realizes he doesn’t have a key to the apartment.

“Oh, shit.” He mutters to himself before noticing someone sitting on the floor beside the door.

Kenma’s there playing a game, legs in a diamond, with a bag sitting beside them.

“Why are you sitting in the hall?”

“Playing a game.”

“In the hall?”

“Figured you’d appreciate some alone time.”

“Then you’re here why?”

“I have an apple pie to share.”

“You’re the one that likes apple pie.”

“I have an apple pie I desperately need you to watch me eat. Very important stuff. Tastes even better when someone watches.”

“Uh huh. Do you have a key to Koutarou’s apartment?”

Kenma pauses their game and looks up at him. “Why?”

“I was wanting to go grab something, but I didn’t want to just leave without locking the door. Wouldn’t want someone to steal Koutarou’s plants.”

“What kind of thing?”

“Drugs.”

“Cool. Let me put this pie inside. I’d set the whole building on fire if it was gone when we got back.”

“We could always get you another pie.”

“Yeah, but that’s one less pie I’d get to eat.” Kenma sets the pie just inside the door before pulling out their keys to lock the door. “What kind of drugs are we buying? I’d like to suggest weed because it’d make the pie taste even more amazing. But we’d also need another pie. And ice cream. And cookies. Pizza too.” Kenma glares at the door, making a mental grocery list.

“We’re not buying drugs. I just wanted a little name marker for my plant and maybe a new pot.”

“Oh?” Kenma tilts their head. “Well that’s not much fun.”

“Sorry. I’ll cause a scene or something while we’re out to make up for it.”

**. . .**

Akaashi wakes up Thursday morning with one thing on his mind.

_One week. Tonight, it will have been one week already._

He stares at the ceiling emotionless before rolling over to his side and bringing his arms up. He runs his hand over the left one softly. Tomorrow he had an appointment to get his arms looked at. They’d decide if he’d be fine to go without bandages or if he should keep them another week. He wasn’t looking forward to going back to the hospital.

_I don’t want them to keep me again._

He clutches his arms and stares toward the window.

_Someone will go with me. If they don’t offer, I’ll ask someone to go with me. Someone has to be available. Anyone._

He listens in the apartment. There had been movement earlier, but all was still now.

_They both left? Today of all days?_

He’s resigned himself to lying in bed all day when there’s a knock on the front door.

_There’s my keeper for the day._

Hoping it wasn’t Oikawa again, Akaashi quickly walked to the door. It was almost like opening a gift. It was going to either be really great or he would want to return it while questioning if the giver hated his existence.

He’s greeted by an unexpected pair.

“Hello, Akaashi-san!” Yamaguchi gives an awkward wave. Tsukishima stands behind him looking bored. “We’ve got some movies and books for you today.”

“And strawberry cake.” Tsukishima adds, adjusting his glasses.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

**. . .**

Spending the day with Yamaguchi and Tsukishima was perhaps the most awkward experience Akaashi has ever had. Spending a day with essentially two strangers who knew you’d tried to kill yourself wasn’t exactly his idea of fun. That was compounded by the fact that every time he looked at Tsukishima, he was reminded of Kuroo clinging and kissing on him at Akaashi’s birthday party. Not exactly the best memory.

When Kuroo finally got home and relieved them of their babysitting duties, Akaashi squeezes Kuroo as tight as he can muster.

“Never leave me alone with those two again. It was so painful. Worse than being in the hospital and watching Koutarou’s shitty movies. Worse than being drug around by Oikawa.”

“Aw.” Kuroo ruffles his hair before holding him back. “I’m sorry. They wanted to see you. They care for you a lot even though you’re not very close.”

“It was so awkward though. It’s one thing for you, Koutarou, Kenma, or Oikawa, but they’re strangers.” Akaashi hiccups from being so upset by it. “I hated it.”

Kuroo rubs his back. “I’m sorry. They won’t come be alone with you anymore, okay?”

Akaashi nods against Kuroo, still clinging to him.

“Wanna come lie down with me?”

“I don’t want to go back in that room.”

Kuroo’s silent for a beat, probably thinking about what he’d meant by that. “Bo’s bed then?”

Akaashi shakes his head. He still hadn’t been in Bokuto’s room. He felt like he shouldn’t. He didn’t have permission.

“Okay. Come lay on me on the couch.”

Kuroo slowly scoots them to the couch and pulls Akaashi on top of him. Akaashi hides his face in Kuroo’s neck while Kuroo rubs his back gently.

“Just rest. It’s okay. Everything’s okay.”

Akaashi gives a small whine. “Can you talk?”

“Sure. Anything you want to hear?”

Akaashi shakes his head.

“Alright. Before I forget though, after Bo gets done walking the dogs, I’ve got to go meet the other grad students to study for a big test tonight. I don’t know what time we’ll be done but I’ll probably end up staying at my apartment since it’s closer. It’ll just be you and Bo tonight. Are you going to be okay with that?”

_Tonight? You’re leaving tonight? Really?_

Akaashi gives a small nod, not wanting to interfere with Kuroo’s studies. That’d be too selfish, especially since he’d already missed so much for him.

“I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise. You can call or text me if you need anything. I’ll come.”

Akaashi falls asleep and doesn’t talk to Bokuto or Kuroo anymore that night.

**. . .**

_Akaashi’s back in the tub in his apartment. The water is billowing out in black ink. The knife is in his hand. He tries to set it down, but his fist won’t unclench. Unwillingly, his body goes through the action of letting the blade travel down his arms deeper this time. The blood flows, darker than before and now matching the murky water, freely down his arms and he starts to fall back into the tub. He’s sinking further into the sea. His blood is billowing out, creating smoky designs in the water. He clutches his wounds, begging them to stop bleeding. He begs his body to swim. He can’t breathe. He’s suffocating and bleeding out, but the biggest ache is the one he feels in his chest._

_More regrets._

He wakes up with a start, a whine stuck in his throat, thrusting himself up in bed and causing pain to shoot through his arms. Sweat’s dripping into his eyes as he gasps for air frantically looking around the room. His eyes snap down to take a look at his arms; no blood, only bandages. Tears stream down his face mixing with the sweat.

“Bad dream?”

Akaashi’s head shoots over to the door. Bokuto was standing there, one arm grabbing the other, looking concerned but not breeching the doorway. Not breaking Akaashi’s boundary.

“Sorry. You were crying out and I wanted to check on you. I knocked but you didn’t hear.”

Akaashi takes a few deep breaths before pulling his knees up and resting his head on them. His whole body is shaking, and he can’t suppress the feeling of dread long enough to answer. He doesn’t come back to reality until he feels a dip on the bed close to him that causes him to jump in fear.

Bokuto holds a glass out to him. “Here. Drinking helps lower your heart rate.”

“Th-anks.” Akaashi croaks out before taking the glass. He can feel Bokuto’s eyes on him, observing, but once again he’s unnervingly quiet.

Bokuto leans in, runs his fingers through Akaashi’s hair, and gives him a forehead kiss. “Sorry for intruding again. Let me know if you need anything. Love you.”

Akaashi just nods before taking a sip of water and letting Bokuto leave.

After his body finally realizes he’s, in fact, not dying, he tries to lay down to go back to sleep. Every time his eyes start to flutter shut though, his body jumps and enters panic mode.

_So tired. Why would you do this to me? Why do you hate me so much? Is it because I tried to kill you? Are you taunting me?_

He sits himself back up, groaning in frustration. In his sleep deprived state, he finds himself standing in Bokuto’s doorway and tapping his knuckles against the doorframe.

“Huh?” Bokuto shuffles around to sit up and turns on the lamp. It was just him. Apparently, Kuroo hadn’t come back.

“Can I?” Akaashi slightly raises his arm and points to the bed.

Bokuto flips down the covers beside him. “Open invitation just for you.”

Akaashi doesn’t comment. He slips under the covers facing Bokuto but still about a foot apart from him, letting his eyes flutter back shut. Bokuto flips the light back off and nestles himself back in, leaving the boundary Akaashi had set.

Just being in the same bed as Bokuto didn’t help. Soon as he starts to drift off memories start to return, and his body jerks him back awake causing him to gasp back out in fear. Arms wrap around him and pull him in close to help calm him.

“I love you, Keiji. It’s okay. You’re safe. I’m here.”

**. . .**

The sound of a familiar annoying alarm wakes Akaashi up only a few hours later. Bokuto detaches himself partially from him to grab his phone off the nightstand. He taps his phone a few times to shut the alarm off and then a few more times before throwing it on the bed behind Akaashi.

“Sorry to wake you. We can go back to sleep.”

Akaashi gives a small whine and lets his eyes flicker back closed.

“No work?”

Bokuto hums softly and pulls him in closer. “No work. Wanted off yesterday to be with you but today was the best I could do. Tetsu will be over later today too.”

Akaashi gives one more hum, content with that answer.

_They didn’t want to leave me yesterday._

He spends hours drifting in and back out of consciousness. Each time he’s semi-conscious, he can feel Bokuto’s arms wrapped around him, sometimes his legs too, and hear his steady breathing. He resented Bokuto right now, but his arms always felt like home. It was hard to hate him up close. Akaashi’s body and mind were more at war with each other more than usual when it came to Bokuto.

Something pulls Bokuto away at some point. Time hadn’t exactly been normal for Akaashi for a while now, so it was hard to tell if it’d been minutes or hours. He’s too content to care by that time, though. He had faith that if he did something as small as whine Bokuto would come right back. There’s the smell of food again followed by a dip in the bed and arms wrapping back around him.

“I made a small brunch.” He rubs one of his hands down Akaashi’s spine to just above his ass cheeks.

Akaashi gives a small whine and thrust his hips forward, cock already hard just from Bokuto’s embrace and his deep, unused morning voice; just Bokuto in general.

Bokuto kisses his cheek bone before running his hand up Akaashi’s spine and back down to that small spot just above his ass. Akaashi whines again, thrusting his hips toward Bokuto. Bokuto’s hand stills on his lower back before going back to that spot and rubbing. Akaashi opens his mouth to let out another whine.

“Is that an erogenous zone for you, Keiji?”

Akaashi stills, not ever having thought about it before. There was something that turned him on about being touched there even though it wasn’t necessarily a sexual place. It was still technically his back. He gives a small nod.

Bokuto’s hand slips from Akaashi’s back and moves to his waistband. He gives it a small snap. “Do you want me to touch you?”

He nods against the pillow, eyes still closed and hips bucking forward. It’d been over a week since he’d touched himself. Longer since anyone else had.

Bokuto wraps one arm under Akaashi and rubs the small spot above his ass with one hand before pulling Akaashi’s cock out with his other. He wetly kisses along Akaashi’s neck while stroking him. Akaashi lets out a low whine, bucking his hips into Bokuto’s hand. He’s dripping wet and on the edge of climax when Bokuto moves his hand slightly down Akaashi’s back so his palm can rub his back while his fingers can brush against his hole. Akaashi’s body tenses as he shoots into Bokuto’s hand and on the bed. Bokuto gives him one more kiss before starting to get up.

Akaashi’s arms dart out to stop him. He grabs Bokuto before hissing in pain and recoiling.

“What about you?” He eyes Bokuto’s erection that was impossible to hide.

“Oh. I don’t need anything.”

“Please.” Akaashi looks down and away from him. “Let me be useful.”

Bokuto climbs back into bed and crawls on top of him. He rests their foreheads against each other so Akaashi can’t look away. “You’re not an item that needs to be useful to be worthwhile. You’re human. I’m not going to fuck you like you’re some sex doll to get pleasure. I care too much for you than to treat you like that.” He starts to move away but Akaashi clings on to him.

“Please.”

“No. Not like this.”

Akaashi’s eyes widen and his arms drop from Bokuto. He hides them underneath his body even though it hurts to put his weight on them.

Bokuto sighs and sits back up on Akaashi. He wrangles Akaashi’s arms out from under him as gently as possible. “I didn’t mean this.” He kisses each of them and intertwines their fingers. “Bandages and scars or not, I still think you’re the most beautiful and amazing person I’ve ever met. I don’t want to use you, though. If you wanted to have sex to have sex, I’d accept anytime.”

“Koutarou, please.” Akaashi turns to look away from him. “I-.” He sighs. “It’s something I need. As a person.”

Bokuto stares at him, almost coldly, debating on what to do, not being one to deny any of Akaashi’s wishes. He gives a big sigh before leaning over to dig in his bedside drawer. “Just don’t hate me even more for this.”

Akaashi shakes his head, still not daring to look back at Bokuto. Bokuto finds lube and a condom in the drawer and sits back up. He gets as far as popping the cap of the lube before his eyes widen. He frowns and closes it again before throwing it and the condom to the side. He crawls down and places his face against Akaashi’s stomach.

“I want to. I want to make you feel good and respect you wishes.” He whispers, shaking his head slightly. “I’m sorry. I can’t. You don’t want to have sex. You’re being impulsive in the worst way. I know this pattern. I know you hate me. I get it. I do. You’ve fooled me too many times with this kind of impulsiveness before.”

“Get off me then.” Akaashi coldly replies.

Bokuto slowly pulls away and wipes tears from his eyes. “I’m sorry. I love you. I just want to help you.”

“I told you to stop trying to help.”

“And I said I won’t.” Bokuto stares down at Akaashi with his jaw set.

“I said get off. I’m leaving.”

Bokuto doesn’t budge. “If you leave, I’m going to follow you.”

“That’s called stalking. Do you really think you won’t get arrested if I report you?”

“I know it is and I hate that I’m not brave enough to not do it.” Bokuto’s shoulders start to shake as the emotions build up inside him. “I hate it. I hate not giving you freedom. I know it’s fucked up. It’s abusive but it’s the only way I know to keep you safe right now. Call the cops on me if you want. I don’t care if I’m arrested. That doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even have to be me. As long as someone is with you, so we know that nothing’s happened to you, I’m okay with that. I get it if you don’t want to be around me. I just want you to live no matter what it takes.”

Akaashi sighs and covers his eyes with a hand. “That’s not your decision to make. Now, please let me go to my room.”

There’s a soft tap on the door that pulls their attention. Kuroo’s standing there with tears on his face looking ready to run over and hold them both.

“Heyyy,” he whispers, “sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we’ve got to be at the hospital in a couple of hours.”

Akaashi groans and covers his eyes with his arm.

_I don’t want to go._

“Do you want to reschedule?” Kuroo whispers, still not moving from his spot.

_Yes. Absolutely. Never sounds great._

“No. The sooner these bandages come off, the better.”

**. . .**

Akaashi stares resolutely at the floor as the nurse unwraps the bandages on his arm for the doctor to come look at. Since he wasn’t staying, Bokuto and Kuroo had been confined to the waiting room. That meant he would be alone with the doctor but he was more grateful they wouldn’t see than he was worried the doctor would try to imprison him.

“They’re looking good.” The nurse whispers as they throw the bandages away and let him lower his arms. “The doctor will be in in just a minute and decide if they want your arms wrapped longer or not, okay?”

“Okay.” He lowers his arms and shifts his line of view off to the side.

The nurse takes their momentary leave, leaving him entirely alone for the first time since Kenma had left him alone. He tries not to think. He wants these bandages off but he’s afraid of seeing his arms. He doesn’t want to be reminded of his failure. He doesn’t want there to be a big sign showing the world that he’s too fucked up to save. Too fucked up to exist but too cursed to die.

He can feel the anger and frustration welling up inside him reaching a peak when there’s a knock on the door, jarring him from breaking down. He didn’t need more questions. Questions had already led to so much trouble.

“How have you been, Akaashi-san?” The doctor gives a smile and sits on a stool in front of him.

“Fine.” Akaashi mumbles without looking at the doctor.

They stare at him for a moment. “Good to hear. Let’s get a good look at your stiches so you can go and get out of the hospital. I know you’re not fond of being here.”

Akaashi swallows and shakes his head. There’s soft gloved hands on his right arm, pulling it forward so the doctor can look at it.

“Your right arm looks great. After it fully heals, you’ll barely be able to see a scar unless you’re looking for it.” They run a finger along the cut feeling for extruding stiches before setting his arm back on his lap before gently pulling his left forward. “Left arm is also healing well. Since the cut was deeper, there will be a noticeable scar on this one. It won’t be as obvious as it is right now so don’t panic too much when you get a good look at it. It’s still red since it’s healing but it’ll lose that with time.” They feel that arm before setting it back on his lap.

Akaashi closes his eyes so he won’t look at his arms.

“I don’t feel any stitches poking out, but you can come in if you do at any point. It’ll hurt if they get hung up on clothes. If you feel comfortable doing it, you can also cut them, so they don’t stick or snag. They’re invisible but it’ll take several months for them to fully disintegrate and fully heal. If they get red and swollen, your cuts may be getting infected. If they do, come in and I’ll have a look at them. Did you have any questions right now?”

Akaashi shakes his head, eyes squeezed shut.

The doctor gently places a hand on top of his. “I know it doesn’t do much good to say this but try not to be so hard on yourself. Things will get better.”

Akaashi doesn’t respond.

The doctor squeezes his hand before standing up. “Take all the time you need before leaving. I know it’s hard. Those two out there are here for you, though. You’ll make it through this.”

Akaashi takes a deep breath, still not responding. The doctor stands there a minute longer waiting to see if Akaashi will respond. When he doesn’t the doctor leaves without another word.

_You’re going to have to look at them eventually. If you do it now, you won’t have to deal with being babied if you freak out._

Akaashi takes a deep breath before moving his left arm behind his back so he can only see the right. It’s still red from the stiches and from being under a bandage but the scar itself isn’t anything too dramatic. You’d only be able to see it if you were looking for it. Something he could easily say was from an accident if anyone asked.

He looks up toward the ceiling sending silent prayers that his left arm wouldn’t be as bad as he expected. He takes another deep breath before slowing pulling his arm from behind his back.

The scar’s much bigger.

_Don’t cry._

It’s thicker and redder than the other. It was something that you’d be able to see across the room even after it healed.

_Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry._

The tears slip down his face anyway.

_I don’t want them to see this. To see me._

He tries to quell down the sadness and the tears as fast as possible. He doesn’t know how long it takes but it feels like years. As soon as he gets under control enough to plaster a deadpan expression on his face, he rolls his sleeves down and quickly walks out of the office, clutching his sleeves with his hands just in case they decide to start sliding up on their own to reveal his shame to the world.

Bokuto and Kuroo stand and start walking toward him as soon as they see him exiting. He keeps his head down as he walks. Kuroo’s closer to him so he walks directly to him and places his head in Kuroo’s neck trying desperately to keep it together.

Kuroo wraps his arms around him softly and Bokuto hugs him from behind, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his head on the back of Akaashi’s neck. Feeling their love and support makes his whole body tremble. He keeps his arms down, clutching to his sleeves still.

“Whenever you’re ready, we’ve got a cab waiting.” Kuroo whispers in his ear.

Akaashi pushes a sob down before slowly nodding and pulling away. He keeps his head down as they lead him out the hospital.

**. . .**

At Bokuto’s apartment, Akaashi stands in the living room staring between his and Bokuto’s door. He didn’t want to go back to that room. He wanted to lie back in bed with his boyfriends. But letting them see his scars was worse.

_Having the bandages back on would be better._

He takes a step backward. It’s stupid since Bokuto and Kuroo are behind him because they came in after him. It’s not like he can escape.

_They’ll see._

He takes another step, bumping into Bokuto. Bokuto wraps his arms around his waist and rests his chin on his shoulder.

“My room is always open to you.”

Akaashi gulps.

_It’s not that._

“You don’t have to show us. Oikawa said he picked out some shirts with the little thumb holes if you’d feel better wearing one of those right now.”

_He’s a genius. I hope Iwaizumi-san didn’t murder him, so I can thank him._

He gives a small nod, stepping forward to go to his room.

“Do you want anything?” Kuroo calls softly after him.

Akaashi stops right outside the door. He was still too cold from the short walk from the cab to the apartment. “Can we have hot cocoa?”

“Coming right up.”

Akaashi digs in the untouched bags of clothes Oikawa had picked out. It’s all nice and stylish things, true to his own personal preferences, but subdued enough for Akaashi to wear. One bag houses several plain long sleeve shirts with a small hole for the thumb. They’re thin and perfect for putting under other shirts.

_He planned ahead again. It’s a good thing he and Tetsurou don’t like each other. This much foresight combined is too much power for those jerks._

He slides the shirt on gratefully. Even if you pull it down, you can’t see the scars unless he unhooks his thumb, or someone pushes the shirt completely aside. He slips on a big comfy sweater and sweats that Oikawa had bought as well before heading out.

Bokuto and Kuroo are in the kitchen finishing up cocoa and searching for marshmallows. They both give him big grins seeing that he’d came back out as promised.

“Keiji, you want anything else?” Bokuto bounds over, clearly excited. “You haven’t eaten yet. Food? Watch a movie? Book? Game?”

Akaashi shakes his head before looking toward Bokuto’s room again.

Bokuto interlaces their fingers before slowly leading him into his room. He throws the covers down, ushering Akaashi to the middle of the bed before getting in beside him and cuddling him. Kuroo comes in seconds later with the three mugs, having found marshmallows. He sets one on the nightstand by Bokuto and the other two on the opposite side before getting into bed and cuddling Akaashi’s back.

Akaashi gives a deep breath before letting his eyes fall shut. He was too tired even though he’d just gotten up a few hours ago.

“You two talk. I just want to rest a minute. Going out is exhausting.”

“Oh.” Bokuto whispers. “We were wondering if you wanted to do something tomorrow but if it’s too much for you we can figure out something to do here.”

Akaashi gives a hum.

“Yeah. I can show you just how bad Bo is at board games.”

“Hey!” Bokuto grumbles but doesn’t refute him.

_Any game but volleyball, apparently._

Akaashi gives a small snort at that. “Going out might be nice. Just for a couple of hours though.”

“Oh yeah?” Kuroo nuzzles against the back of Akaashi’s neck. “Anything in mind?”

“Maybe lunch and then the bookstore. I need to find something to do. Even I have a limit on sleep.”

“Sounds like a date then.”

Akaashi shifts to his back so he can look back and forth between Kuroo and Bokuto. “Apparently I still have two boyfriends for reasons I can’t even begin to comprehend.”

Two sets of mouths open to argue that kind of logic and spout loving affirmations, but he’d anticipated that and had his hands ready. He covers their mouths before any words can get out.

“Don’t say anything.” His eyes flicker between the two before releasing them and sitting up. “I know things are hard right now. Logically, I don’t understand why either of you are here. I don’t understand why I’m here still. I don’t even know if I want to be here. Everything hurts and now I have these scars to remind me every day what a failure I am. I’m so lost right now.” He stares down at his lap where he’d rested his arms. “I’m stuck between not wanting to exist and wanting to continue on with you two and everyone else. It’s not that easy, though. It’s not easy at all.” Tears start to drip from his face on to his arms.

Fingers intertwine with both of his hands. Both his arms raise and are met with lips kissing down his covered wrists. They’re still not talking like Akaashi had requested even though they’re ready to explode with words.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been hurting you. I’m sorry I can’t say I want to live now or that I learned my lesson. I’m scared. I just want to pretend that everything will be okay, but I can’t.” He bites his lip trying not to sob too loud. “I just-“ He pulls his hands back and cover his face. “I just don’t know, and I hate it. I hate being like this and I hate doing this to you two. You don’t deserve it.”

Two sets of arms squeeze him too tightly causing him to sob out again. He lets it out. He cries and cries and cries.

They don’t leave. They hold him tightly, giving him the occasional kiss, and shaking in their own tears.

After crying until he feels better, he scrubs his face and lets out a hysterical laugh. “Crying is the worst. Let’s not do that anymore.” He lets out a sigh before poking Kuroo. “Will you pass me my cocoa?”

Kuroo jolts and starts to turn before pausing. “Want me to heat it back up?”

“Nah. It’s fine.”

Kuroo sits up and passes him the cold mug. Akaashi takes it in his left hand and reaches up to Kuroo’s face with his right. He runs his hand along Kuroo’s face and rests his hand along his jaw and neck.

“Thank you,” he whispers before kissing Kuroo for the first time since he’d left the hospital.

Kuroo wraps an arm around Akaashi’s waist and kisses him back slowly. He’s breathing deeply and hanging on to every kiss Akaashi’s willing to give. He always kissed Akaashi slowly like he was too deep in love.

Akaashi gives a smile before rubbing their noses together. He turns to Bokuto who’s watching them with those golden orbs with a soft smile peppered on his face. He runs his hand through Bokuto’s hair before slowly pressing him to sit up with him. Once face level, Akaashi leans in to kiss him. He’s met with a rough, eager kiss that his signature style; like Akaashi was his spouse he’d been separated from for year that he dearly missed.

Bokuto’s roughness causes him to spill a little hot cocoa. He pulls away to look at the liquid staining the covers.

_Fuck. I messed up._

“Oops. Sorry.” Akaashi frowns.

Bokuto takes the drink with one hand and passes it to Kuroo before eagerly meeting Akaashi’s lips again. “Don’t worry about it.”

Akaashi kisses him back once before laughing again. “I feel a bit better now. Why don’t we do something? I know you two can’t handle spending all day in bed.”

“I can always spend all day in bed with you two.” Kuroo purrs with a predatory smirk.

“It’s amazing how you can be a pervert after that.” Akaashi smiles and shakes his head. “I’m not up for that right now, though. I’ve been really tired, and I don’t exactly want to have sex with just my shirt on. That’d be worse than having sex with just socks.”

“You know you don’t have to hide your scars from us, right?” Bokuto pipes up. “Not that you have to show us. We’ll see them eventually, though. We’re not going to be grossed out or freaked out or whatever else your brain can supply. We’re here.”

“Kou’s right. You don’t have to worry about us freaking out. You don’t have to show us. You can wear a shirt forever if you feel safer that way. Sometimes it’s harder on you to hide things though. So don’t be afraid to let it out.”

“Yeah! You can consider them battle scars!”

“”Battle scars?”” Akaashi and Kuroo echo back.

Bokuto blushes before laughing at himself and nodding. “Yeah. You fought in a battle and won.”

“That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of.” Akaashi shakes his head and laughs. He doesn’t know if it’s the endorphins from crying and laughing or the weight that’s been lifting off him every time he shares something disgusting about himself, but he wants to show them.

Koutarou’s already seen.

He bites his lip and snaps his head over to Bokuto, eyes wide and starting to fill with tears. Bokuot’s eyes widen back, unsure of what’s happening, but grabs Akaashi’s face to kiss him and press their foreheads together.

“Tell me what’s wrong?”

“You. You’ve.” Akaashi starts to hyperventilate. “Seen.”

Bokuto’s eyes widen again when he realizes what Akaashi’s talking about. “I have. I’m still here. I already told you: scars or not, I’m still here.”

“You’re insane.” Akaashi sighs and gives a dry laugh. “But,” he unhooks his right thumb and slowly rolls up the sleeve. This arm was easy. It wasn’t disgusting.

“You’re not going to be able to see it after it heals.” Kuroo hums, pressing his cheek against Akaashi’s arm.

“That’s what the doctor said too.” He takes a deep breath, anxiety building up inside him now. He unhooks his left thumb but doesn’t pull his sleeve up. “Uh. I’m right handed and this one isn’t like my right arm.”

“We can get you one long fingerless glove or like a sports bandage thing to wear on one arm.” Bokuto offers, already laughing slightly at himself.

Akaashi looks over to Kuroo, helplessly.

Kuroo rolls his eyes. “Annoying you is the best idea he’s ever had. Just be happy you didn’t meet him in his middle school/high school days. He would’ve won the Darwin Awards. He was voted most likely to accidently break his neck in middle school.”

“Say that to my research and volleyball skills!” Bokuto sticks his tongue out.

Both Akaashi and Kuroo deadpan back.

“I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but is Koutarou book smart?” Akaashi looks back at Kuroo, frightened.

“No. Absolutely not. He’s just obsessive. Ask him to do math or speak in English sometime.”

Bokuto wrinkles his nose and pouts before burrowing down in the bed and pressing his face against Akaashi’s side. “Be mean all you want. Just because I’m not good at math and English doesn’t mean I’m stupid.”

Akaashi snickers before ruffling Bokuto’s hair. “We know you’re not.” He sighs before sticking his fingers under the sleeve of his left arm. He closes his eyes before slowly pulling it up.

When there’s no gasp of disgust or movement away from him, he peeks open an eye. Bokuto’s still pressed against his side and Kuroo’s still against his arm. They’re both frowning and staring at his arm, not daring to touch it or speak.

“The doctor said the scar will be visible but less than it is now. The redness should go away in a few weeks and it won’t look so bad.”

“Does it still hurt?” Bokuto asks softly before tilting his head up slightly to look at Akaashi.

“A little bit. The left more than the right since it was deeper, and the tendon was cut more.”

“But you’ll still be able to play volleyball?”

Akaashi gives a snort. “There won’t be any permanent damage. Just scars.”

_And mental and emotional damage._

Bokuto gives a wide smile before sitting up and kissing Akaashi. “Good. Not being able to play volleyball would be one of the worst things imaginable.”

Kuroo stiffens beside Akaashi probably painfully aware that Bokuto can’t play much anymore without hurting his knee more.

“Don’t worry. After I heal, I’ll set for you and Tetsurou again.” He pauses in thought. “Come to think of it, we should play three-on-three as a team.”

Bokuto gasps in excitement. “You mean it?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s a promise then!”

Kuroo snickers and shakes his head. “I hope you realize what you just did. He’s not going to be able to sleep until this happens now.”

“I’ll just have to stay with you then.” Akaashi grimaces.

“It’s not safe there.”

“Kenma then.” Akaashi shrugs while watching Bokuto vibrate.

“Kenma’s not even enough to stop me for that!” Bokuto jumps up and starts lightly jumping on the bed. “I can’t wait! Both my boyfriends on the same team as me!” He does a spin jump before going back to bouncing with a huge smile on his face. “Oh! We can get you some long elbow pads tomorrow if you want!”

Akaashi sinks back down into bed and cuddles against Kuroo. “Why does it sound like he’s going to drag me everywhere like Oikawa did?”

“Because he’s going to drag you everywhere like Oikawa did, except by everywhere, I mean all the sports stores.”

Akaashi gives a groan and hides under one of Kuroo’s arms.

“Don’t worry. After three hours out, you and I can come home and leave him wherever. Then we can chill and read your new books.”

“Sounds dreamy.”

“Not nice!” Bokuto pouts unconvincingly as he continues to bounce.

“Uh huh. Good night.” Akaashi gives a yawn and wraps his arms around Kuroo.

Bokuto flops down on the bed and hugs Akaashi. “Don’t sleep!” he whines. “I’m all pumped up now. There’s no way I can sleep!”

“Heat up the cocoa and pick a shitty movie then. And grab blankets.”

“Can do!” Bokuto bounces up and grabs all the mugs.

“You know he’s going to pick the worst movie, right?”

“I know.”

“I’m starting to think you’re a masochist.”

Akaashi gives a small chuckle before kissing Kuroo. “Don’t tell him, but I like watching his shitty movies. When he and I fought, I wanted nothing more than to make up and watch one of his shitty movies.”

“Me too.”

“I heard that!” Bokuto yells from the kitchen.

Akaashi and Kuroo grimace at each other before giggling.

“Hey,” Kuroo lowers his voice and looks more serious. “I’m glad you’re still here.”

Akaashi presses his lips into a thin line. “Please stop.”

Kuroo gives a smirk back. “Only for now.” He gives Akaashi a peck on the lips. “I love you.”

“I.” Akaashi bites his lip and looks away.

“I know. You don’t have to say it.”

“I-. I love you too.” Akaashi softly whispers back. There’s a beat of silence before he looks back at Kuroo in horror. “I need to tell Koutarou too.”

Kuroo unlatches from him, ushering him forward, clearly amused and over the moon Akaashi was attempting to be kind to Bokuto again, not to mention him.

Bokuto’s in the living room, staring several movies in front of him, debating which is the worst. Akaashi picks up one of the blankets Bokuto had set on the couch for him and wraps it around himself. He sits beside Bokuto, wrapping his arms around him, and kisses his cheek.

“Can’t decide?”

“They’re all equally horrible in their own way. I don’t want to disappoint.” He bites his thumb, eyes darting back and forth between them.

“Pick three and we’ll vote on what’s the worst.”

Bokuto turns to face Akaashi. “You think you’re up for three movies?”

“I. I will try.” Akaashi gives a small nod, mostly to convince himself.

Bokuto beams and kisses Akaashi again. “You’re going to love it.”

“I hope not. That defeats the purpose of watching shitty movies.”

Bokuto breaks back into a pout and looks back at the movies he had out.

“Hey.” Akaashi softly whispers to get Bokuto’s attention again. “I’m sorry I haven’t shown it lately or said it, but I love you.”

Bokuto’s eyes light up and a smile as radiant as his mother’s stretches across his face. “I love you too.” He speedily gets out before his lips crash against Akaashi’s.

**. . .**

They watch Bokuto’s shit movies, Akaashi nestled in-between his boyfriends with blankets and hot cocoa, cuddling and making jokes. It’s another moment Akaashi wouldn’t trade for the world.

He orders takeout for everyone after the first movie. They munch happily, being the happiest they’d been in weeks.

Akaashi loves it. Deep down, he can’t shake the feeling of dread inside him.

_This is great. It can’t always be like this, though._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's probably going to change chapter count again?? ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ Either that, or some of the next chapters will be really long like this one. I don't want to go too fast cause that's not how things work. But it's also not that fun to read about? Idk. I'll make it work for me somehow.
> 
> Also! Anime North Texas this weekend! I'll be the awkward one buying up all the merch with my life savings.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all aren't even ready for this chapter. I wasn't even ready for this chapter... *stares off into the distance*
> 
> Last year at Thanksgiving, Akaashi and Bokuto fucked for the first time. In honor of that tradition, there is porn.
> 
> Also, I have a part that I've * because it may be confusing or not relatable for some. I've got a more in-depth explanation/comment in the end notes.

“This is nice.” Akaashi takes a sip of his orange juice and smile at his boyfriends.

_Even though we’re pretending everything’s normal._

Akaashi, Bokuto, and Kuroo are all gathered at the dining room table having their first breakfast all together since Akaashi had moved in. It was the first meal they’ve had together that someone wasn’t sitting there being unreasonably uncomfortable. Conversation is light and they’re all carefully dancing around anything that might even brush against the elephant in the room. Bokuto and Kuroo are laughing and grinning, making Akaashi have an unforced smirk on his face as well. It makes Akaashi feel like it could be a good day. He doesn’t feel as tired or as on edge as he’s been for the last couple of months. Plus, he had a date today with the two dorks in front of him. That was something that always helped to make things less difficult, even if he didn’t feel like it at first. As long as his brain didn’t interfere too much.

The pain of yesterday had been pushed aside for the fond memories for now. And the pain of the movies Bokuto had picked. He regretted suggesting three. Two had been stretching it. After they finished the last one, he stared blankly at the TV wishing to un-see hours of terrible production, worse acting, and plot that didn’t make sense. He still loved it though. He’d cuddled with Bokuto and Kuroo on the couch and slept in the same bed with them last night too. It felt almost normal if he continued to push away the guilt from using his boyfriends for comfort. They shouldn’t have to be the sources of his happiness. They didn’t owe him that. It wasn’t healthy for any of them.

Things weren’t fixed. He definitely wasn’t fixed and things between him and his boyfriends weren’t perfect either. Nothing was how it should be. But he had hope things might get better. Sort of. Even though he felt elated today, part of him missed the sadness and nothingness he normally felt even though he hated it when he felt it.* Another part of him feared the light, almost breezy, feeling he had. It’d go away. It was impossible for it to continue forever and existing was always hardest after it disappeared.

“You still up for going out today?” Bokuto asks before shoving some food into his mouth.

He looked happy. Almost like his normal self even though it was obvious he hadn’t been sleeping well and was looking haggard. It hurt Akaashi. It reminded him of how much Bokuto had suffered because of him not just recently, but over the months since they’d met. Kuroo too. Everyone, really. They’d all suffered because of his existence. Bokuto still had it much worse. Months of being lured in, used, and pushed away repeatedly. They’d fought too many times and Bokuto had seen him at his worst point. He’d seen him in a manner that no one should ever have to witness.

_Shut up, brain. Today is a good day. Don’t make them suffer more. Let us have this. At least for today. Please._

He shakes his head slightly to help force out the thoughts. “Yeah. For a little bit at least.”

“Yaaas!” Bokuto cheers, elated with Akaashi’s recent behavior.

“You don’t have to push yourself, you know?” Kuroo frowns at him.

“I’m aware. I thought you weren’t going to coddle me?” Akaashi smirks before taking a bite of his own food.

“Bo’s not doing enough coddling, so I thought I’d take over. You know, a little good cop, bad cop. I’m clearly the bad cop in this, though.”

Bokuto clamors out of his chair and wraps his arms around Akaashi. “I can’t believe you’d accuse me of not coddling Keiji enough! Looks like I’ll have to start putting in maximum effort!”

“You both coddle me too much.” Akaashi pouts while still attempting to eat.

“”Impossible.””

Akaashi sighs before looking up to the ceiling in distress. “Whatever you two need to tell yourselves to make yourself feel better.”

“I repeat volleyball, yaniniku, Keiji, and Tetsurou to make myself feel better.” Bokuto grins while nodding.

“Bro, that is the sweetest-“

“Most creepy thing.” Akaashi interrupts, a smirk playing on his lips.

“-I’ve ever heard.”

Bokuto’s face falls flat and Akaashi gives a small snicker before grabbing his face with both hands and giving him a kiss.

“You know I hate saying it, but Tetsurou’s right.”

“I’m always right.” Kuroo scoffs back, pouting.

“Uh huh. Anyway,” he relinquishes Bokuto and gives Kuroo a quick kiss too. “I was thinking. Did you two have anything planned for after-.” He pauses realizing he won’t be graduating since he withdrew for the semester. Or, Kenma, probably, withdrew him. He hadn’t exactly followed up on that, not that it really mattered. Withdrew or failed, it didn’t matter. He wasn’t going back. “After the semester ends?”

He’s met with very confused and stunned faces. Creepy forced smiles with raised eyebrows.

_Wow. It’s like I told my parents I wanted to be a porn star._

“Keiji, uhhh,” Bokuto flusters before looking to Kuroo for help vocalizing all the thoughts in his head.

“I got you, boo.” Kuroo gives a quick wink, fixes his invisible tie, and clears his throat for his official translating voice. “What Bo means to say, is that the end of semester isn’t very far away. We had a few ideas since we didn’t exactly know when you’d be available, but after everything we didn’t expect you to want to go or have the energy to.” He taps his fingers on the table and takes a deep breath before continuing. “We also didn’t know if you were still set on taking your solo trip. Or if you’d even stick around. Or still want to be with us. Or-“

“Okay. I get it.” Akaashi huffs.

“Sorry but that’s the truth. You told me not to coddle you.”

Bokuto lets out a low whine, not knowing what to say without going back to physically and verbally suffocating Akaashi.

“It’s fine, Koutarou. Those are all reasonable concerns.” He looks back and forth between them. “I don’t think I want to take my solo trip. Not that things are sparkling perfect and just being awake isn’t hard. I just don’t want to. I didn’t even have anything concretely planned. I was just going to get a plane ticket and then wander out into the wilderness.” He trails off a bit. “I think I’d like to take a trip with you two. Maybe not Finland, though.” He wrinkles his nose.

Bokuto lets out a squeak.

“You’re sure?” Kuroo translates.

Akaashi gives a hum. “Commitment helps.”

“Commitment, huh? We could always get married then.” Kuroo purrs.

Bokuto makes tetradactyl screeching noises at that and looks frantically back and forth between the two.

“I can’t believe you’d propose to me before proposing to Koutarou. Such scandal.”

“We’re already bonded for life with or without an official document and rings. There’s no escape for him. You, however, would be the one that got away if I didn’t ask. I’d regret it for the rest of my life.”

_The rest of my life might be shorter, though. Maybe you should try that one._

More tetradactyl noises. Possibly in agreement. Akaashi couldn’t really tell for sure. Kuroo could translate that for his own personal knowledge. Akaashi didn’t care.

“I think you broke Koutarou.”

“He’s just jealous I asked first.”

“Even he knows you’re joking.”

Kuroo rests an elbow on the table and puts his chin on his hand. “What if I’m not?”

“You are.”

“I’m not. Marry me?”

Bokuto’s mouth drops open in a silent screech this time.

Akaashi puts his chopsticks down and wipes his mouth. “This isn’t funny.”

“He’s not joking, Keiji.” Bokuto whispers. “He wouldn’t. Not about that.”

Akaashi eyes Bokuto looking to see if he’s being deceitful as well even though he didn’t believe Bokuto could fake anything. He’d seen his acting skills and was not impressed. Bokuto sat there looking back at Akaashi with wide eyes looking pale.

He turns back to Kuroo with a deadpan face. “Why would you ask that?”

Kuroo stares back at him with an eerily calm face devoid of his usual smirk. “Because I love you and I want to be with you.” He looks over to Bokuto briefly and gives him a nod. “Koutarou too obviously, but like I said, he’s stuck with me.”

“You realize we’ve only been dating two months, right? Most of which, I actively avoided you. We haven’t even known each other a year.”

“I know.”

“You’re twenty-three, Tetsurou.”

“I know.” He calmly replies, eyes still locked on Akaashi.

Akaashi gives an exasperated sigh. “I tried to kill myself last week, Tetsurou.” He raises his voice slightly, body shaking. “Do you want to be a widow by twenty-four? Is that what you want?”

Eyes still unwavering, he replies. “I won’t be.”

Akaashi gives another sigh and pinches the bridge of his nose before looking to Bokuto desperately, waving his hands around to communicate somehow, unable to deal with Kuroo right now. He knew Kuroo was often unreasonable and stubborn but this was uncalled for.

“Tetsu,” Bokuto starts.

Kuroo takes his eyes off Akaashi to stare at Bokuto. “You know I’m serious about this.”

“I know.” Bokuto bites his lip. “But now maybe isn’t the best time?”

Kuroo narrows his eyes at Bokuto. “You say that like you’re not thinking the same thing.”

Akaashi’s eyes widen and he whips his head back to Bokuto. He’s got a blush spreading across his face now and he’s trying to not look at Akaashi.

“Koutarou, you’re in with this ridiculousness too?”

Bokuto snaps his head up to look at Akaashi. “Wanting to spend the rest of my life with you and Tetsu isn’t ridiculous. I know we haven’t been dating very long but it is something I’ve been thinking about for a while now. That I don’t want to be apart from you. I knew you weren’t ready for that yet, so I was going to wait until I was sure you’d at least consider it. Unlike someone else,” he shoots a look to Kuroo, “I know that you’re not ready and now isn’t a good time. I won’t ask now.”

Akaashi sighs and shakes his head.

_Why would they want to do that? Why would they want to throw their lives away? This is just some ploy to keep me from attempting again, isn’t it?_

“So, what do you say?” Kuroo purrs back, all his attention aimed back at Akaashi. “Or would you like some time to think about it?”

Akaashi stares him straight in the eyes, face devoid of expression. “My answer is no.”

Kuroo’s face twitches briefly but a smirk spreads across his face. “For now. I’m not giving up. You know how stubborn I am.”

Akaashi stares back at him, studying him before sighing and returning to his breakfast. “Back to our trip. Not only would I like to go, but I think I’ll plan it and pay for it as well.”

“My answer is no.” Kuroo flatly replies back with a smirk.

“Vetoed.”

“Then I veto you declining my marriage offer.”

“Also vetoed.”

“Keiji,” Bokuto whines, “please stop recklessly spending money.”

“Wait.” Kuroo squints at him. “How do you even have money anyway? You haven’t worked since summer, right?”

_Coddling again. Both of them._

“I have a bunch saved up.”

“That much though? You already paid for the trip for new years and a new phone.” Bokuto echoes back. “You should keep saving it. Don’t try to waste it on us. What if you need it for something? What if you see something you really want to buy or do?”

“Yes, that much. And it’s not wasting it. I’m getting a trip out of it too.”

Kuroo’s eyes narrow and he frowns. “How do you have that much money?”

Akaashi gives a hum and starts counting things off on his fingers. “My parents had a savings for me that I got when I turned eighteen, I saved my allowances growing up, I inherited money from my grandparents when they passed away, surplus scholarship and grant money, and then I’ve been working for the last couple of years. Oh, and my parents randomly transfer money to my account in some sort of self-righteous act of being good parents. They also gave me money before I started working.” He nods and puts his hand down. “Apartment was paid for with scholarships, I never do anything, and I barely ate, so my expenses were almost nonexistent.” He gives a shrug.

“What I hear is you’re a trust fund kid.”

Akaashi gives a shrug. “Sure. I don’t know why I’m even associating with either of you since you don’t have yachts, though.”

Kuroo gives a fake gasp. “Now that’s the real scandal! Get the news reporters here!”

“Cause you love us~” Bokuto coos before wrapping Akaashi in a hug, completely ignoring the jab.

Kuroo does the same from the other side. “And cause we’re so sexy~”

“And fun~”

“And smart~”

“And have the _best_ taste in movies~”

“And know what you like~”

“And have access to cute dogs~”

“And, uh, what else?”

Akaashi snorts and brings his hands up so he’s holding their arms. “You’re sweet, kind, patient, loving, ridiculous, funny, inspiring, and the world’s best cuddlers.”

“Aww.” Bokuto whines, tears going down his face.

Akaashi snorts and gives him a quick peck on the cheek. “I told you he cries every time he looks at me.” He turns to face Kuroo, who’s also crying. “You too?”

“I’m not crying, you’re crying.” Kuroo sniffs before wiping his face.

Akaashi wrinkles his nose. “God. I don’t even want to imagine how much you would’ve cried if I’d accepted your marriage proposal.”

“I’ll save it for when you do finally accept.” Kuroo rubs his face against Akaashi’s neck. “When both of you do. I’ll ugly cry so hard, you’ll reconsider.”

“Bro-“

“Nope!” Kuroo shouts over Bokuto. “I know you will, but I want you both to accept at the same time. It’s not the same if you don’t.”

Bokuto sticks his lower lip out but doesn’t argue.

Akaashi gives an annoyed groan. “Can we finish breakfast now? I haven’t even had coffee yet. This is too much.”

**. . .**

Akaashi slowly searches for clothes to wear for the day. Breakfast had been no less than exhausting, but he was still determined to go out. Or at least attempt to go out. Kuroo’s proposal was still weighing heavily on his mind.

_Why would he do that? It doesn’t matter. There’s no way he’s serious. He’s just confused. It’s best to just forget about it. It’s some sort of desperate plea to keep me here, nothing more._

He pushes down the tingling excitement that bubbles up thinking about spending the rest of his life with them and slips one of his new scar hiding shirts on. Just because he’d let Bokuto and Kuroo see his scars once didn’t mean he was going to wave them around. Or that he was ready for his boyfriends to see them again anytime soon. He sure as hell wasn’t ready for the world to see. He didn’t think the world ever needed to see.

It’s lightly snowing when they go outside. Akaashi holds a hand up to catch some snow in it and stares up at the sky. The low dark white and grey clouds that seemed to lazily roll more than float across the sky.

“I never thought I’d see this again.”

Bokuto takes his free hand and interlaces their fingers. “Want to go somewhere with windows so you can look at the sky?”

Akaashi gives a soft smile and shakes his head. “I was thinking yakiniku.”

“Awww, hell yisss.”

“You’re spoiling him.” Kuroo warns, taking Akaashi’s other hand.

“I know a place that has a few fish options too.”

“Oooh~ a man after my own heart.”

“Shut it, Romeo.”

**. . .**

Akaashi keeps ordering food for them until Bokuto and Kuroo look like they’re on the cusp of exploding, which was sooner than anticipated considering how there always seems to be food being made in the apartment. He ate some, being pestered to do so since they were supposed to be having lunch. The food tasted wonderful, but he still didn’t have much of an appetite. Eating was too much work. Instead, he spent most of the meal with his chin resting on his hand watching his boyfriends be stupidly giddy over food and spending time together. Over a normal, happy life. Or at least what appeared to be one.

After lunch, Bokuto drug them to a sports store as Akaashi had anticipated and feared.

“Koutarou, we don’t need anything here. It’s winter.”

“Not for much longer! Besides, you need elbow pads for our game when you’ve finished recovering enough to set me the perfect balls again!” Bokuto beams, leading them through the store.

“Pfft. Balls.”

“We don’t know how long that will be, though. My left arm is pretty bad. I might be able to set soon but it could be winter again before I can serve or spike decently.”

“It’s always good to be prepared! What if you’re ready to play in summer and then they don’t have any? What would be do then?”

“That’s very optimistic of you but also highly unlikely.”

“Still good to be prepared!”

Akaashi looks at Bokuto unimpressed before looking to Kuroo for help even though he was still giggling over balls. He’d managed to make it so funny in his head, he was hunched over and covering his mouth with one hand.

“You did this to yourself.” He shakes his head in-between laughs. “Let him get it out of his system now or he’ll whine about it for the next few weeks.”

“Oh! What about these?” Bokuto snatches a pair up and holds them out for Akaashi.

“They’ll do.” He goes to grab the package but Bokuto snatches it away from him.

“Nope! Consider it a gift!”

“A gift for my sanity?” One side of Akaashi’s mouth quirks up.

“Nope! Just a regular gift!”

After that, they hit a nearby bookstore. Once they step in, Akaashi feels that uncomfortableness of being somewhere new and crowded. His shoulders start to hunch up and he feels like his body is crumpling in. He doesn’t want to be there. His head is screaming no incessantly for no good reason.

Kuroo pulls him off to the side, noticing it first. “Not good?”

Akaashi’s eyes dart toward the bookstore before shaking his head lightly.

“Want to go home?”

He shakes his head again.

“Try another bookstore?”

He lets his eyes flicker up to Kuroo’s and nods.

“Got one you’d prefer?”

“Uh,” Akaashi’s eyes flicker back to the store where Bokuto had wandered off to before Kuroo had realized something was wrong, “my old one. I know where everything’s at and it’s usually not too busy.”

Kuroo’s eyebrows furrow. “You’re okay with seeing your old coworkers?”

Akaashi loses a bit of breath at that. He hadn’t considered running into people he knew.

“You’re not going to look for books, Keiji?” Bokuto walks back to them, bag already in hand.

_So fast at everything. How does he do that?_

Kuroo shoots him a look. “We’re going to go somewhere else instead.”

“Oh, where to?” Bokuto asks, excited.

“I think I might feel most comfortable at my old bookstore. If you two don’t mind. It’s a bit out of the way from here.” Akaashi bites his lip and looks toward the ground feeling needy and unreasonable. It was just a store. There was no reason why they had to go so far to go to another store that would have basically the same things.

“Your old work? I want to see where you used to work! Fieldtrip time!” Bokuto cheers louder than acceptable in public.

“Glad we’re all in agreement cause we should all leave now before we get asked to leave.” Kuroo looks around nervously.

“Surely it’s not the first time you two have been asked to leave places?”

“No, but every time it happens I think that I’d like it to be the last time.” Kuroo grimaces.

“Buuut brooo, where’s the fun in that?” Bokuto booms before wrapping an arm around each of their shoulders and steering them away quickly before anyone can complain about them being disruptive.

**. . .**

“Akaashi-san!”

A tall silver-haired green-eyed giant runs up to Akaashi from the café as soon as they enter and swoops him into a hug, picking him up off the floor. There’s amused snickers from his boyfriends and someone yelling from afar. Akaashi just feels pain shooting through his arms from the rough, sudden embrace.

“Please put me down, Lev.”

“I can’t believe it! You remembered me!” Lev puts him down and beams at him.

Akaashi rubs his arms to help ease the pain. “You’re not exactly forgettable.”

_You’re six and a half feet tall, Russian, silver haired, and loud as hell. No one forgets you even when they want to. Trust me, I’ve tried._

“What are you doing here, Lev?” Bokuto gives him a light punch on the arm.

Akaashi raises an eyebrow. “You two know each other?”

“Of course!” Lev cheers. “Yakkun and I both know Bokuto and Kuroo! How do you know them?” He tilts his head to the side innocently.

“You seriously haven’t put it together yet, you big oaf?” Kuroo runs a hand through his hair and shakes his head. “Remember how Bo was always talking about an Akaashi he was dating before? Well, meet Akaashi.”

“Ohh! You date Bokuto-san?”

“I do. Tetsurou as well.”

“Whaaa?”

Lev falls to the floor before he can say anything else. Yaku appears behind him, having kicked Lev in the back of the knees so he’d fall.

_He should really yell timber when he does that. Somebody, not Lev, could get hurt._

“Akaashi!” His head jolts a little in surprise. “I haven’t seen you in ages. I’m glad I saw this idiot was bothering someone and decided to intervene. How have you been?”

Akaashi clutches his left arm instinctively. “Not the best, to be honest.”

“Why no-“

Yaku kicks Lev back over on the ground.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I’m glad to see you, though. What brings you here anyway?”

“I was wanting to do some book shopping. It’s nice to know where things already are.”

Yaku’s face falls a bit. “Damn. I was hoping you’d want to come back to work here.”

A small, sad smile lights Akaashi’s face up. “I was fired. I don’t think I’m re-hirable.”

“Nah. The boss misses you. If you asked, they’d take you back.”

Kuroo gives him a little nudge with his shoulder. “Maybe you should ask. That’s a commitment.” A devious grin spreads across his face. “You know, since you so rudely declined my earlier offer.”

Akaashi rolls his eyes at him before turning back to Yaku. Bokuto has mysteriously disappeared again with Lev, no doubt causing trouble.

“Maybe in the future. Now’s not really a great time.”

_Attempting suicide last week aside, it’s not like I’d be strong enough to repeatedly lift books anyway. Or have the energy to deal with customers._

Yaku gives a hum, eyes darting back and forth between Akaashi and Kuroo. “Okay. Keep it in mind.” There’s a crashing and Yaku looks up to the sky silently praying Lev wasn’t the source of said crash even though they all knew he was, or at least involved. “I have to go make sure that idiot isn’t destroying things, but we should go out and catch up some time.” He starts to walk away, “Let me know if you need help finding anything”.

“We should do that and I’m sorry if one of my idiots is also destroying things.”

Kuroo gives a snort. “Bye Yakkun.”

Yaku shoots him a glare before walking off.

“You two not friends?”

“We are.” Kuroo purrs. “That’s just how we show our love. Be surprised he didn’t kick me too. You presence probably saved me from the same cruel fate Lev receives.”

“Uh huh, sure. You not going to look for books?”

“Nope. Bo’s wandered off again and someone needs to carry your books.”

“You’re coddling again.”

“Damn right.”

**. . .**

Akaashi ends up with six new books. Two of them are manga that Bokuto suggested but the rest are sizable novels. Bokuto also ended up with another bag of several mystery books. Akaashi made a secret bet with Kuroo that he’d bought more manga and Kuroo bet porn. Kuroo ended up with a hodgepodge of things: a science book, a graphic novel, some magnet book marks, a small cat collectable, and a couple of notebooks.

“You bought a lot.” Akaashi frowns at Kuroo before turning to Bokuto. “And I have no idea what you secretly bought at either store.”

“It’s porn.” Kuroo cuts in before Bokuto can answer.

“It’s not porn!” Bokuto pouts. “Well, maybe one thing might be porn, but the rest isn’t porn!”

“Manga then?” Akaashi suggests, really wanting to win this bet. If there was more manga than porn, then he’d still win.

“One of those too.” Bokuto trails off, not wanting to look at them.

“We’ll figure it out eventually, Koutarou.” Akaashi warns.

“I know. But now is not eventually.” He pouts more, trying desperately to hold on to his secret for some reason.

Akaashi goes back to questioning Kuroo since Bokuto was being obstinate. “Why’d you buy so much?”

“Who said it was all for me? Besides, who bought six books?” Kuroo raises an eyebrow at Akaashi.

“I don’t have school or a job. I’ll finish these by the end of the week since I don’t really have anything else to do. Or the desire to do other things Or energy.” Akaashi looks down at the floor frowning for a second. “And who did you buy things for then?”

“You two and Kenma, duh. Graphic novel is for Bo, cat is for Kenma, and the notebooks and some of the bookmarks are for you. You’ll need some for those six books you bought.”

“Why do you two keep buying me stuff?”

“Cause we like you!” Bokuto cheers. “Can we get coffee while we’re here?” He takes a few steps over toward the café.

“No coffee for you. I don’t want to get banned.”

“Oh, come on, Keiji~! Don’t you want to experience what it’s like to be asked to leave a place?” Bokuto waggles his eyebrows and takes another step toward the café. “It’s a vital life experience!”

_Does being asked to vacate my apartment for flooding and an attempted suicide count in this vital life experience category? Or is it just sad? Actually, pathetic might be a more accurate description._

“Well, if you say it like that.” Akaashi hums, following him.

Kuroo gives a groan following after them. “Don’t give in to his charms Starshine. It’s a trap. I don’t want to get banned from another place.”

Akaashi gives a snort. “Let him have his fun. He deserves it.” He gets in line behind Bokuto and turns to Kuroo. “Besides, if Lev hasn’t been banned, or rather murdered, then I’m sure Koutarou will be fine. He contains a modicum of self-control. I’ve seen it.”

“Yes, I’d like your biggest frap with four extra shots of espresso.” Bokuto gleefully tells the barista at the register.

“Nooo.” Kuroo groans before covering his face with his free hand.

“Thank you for ordering for me, Koutarou. May I suggest a large mocha iced coffee for you? You’ll like it, I promise. It’s what I normally get.”

“Oooh! What my Keiji gets? I’ll take that!”

“And I’ll have the frap he ordered. Tetsurou?”

“A nap and a caramel latte, please.”

“Fresh out of naps, but we can do the rest!” The cashier cheers, almost gleefully, at Kuroo’s misery.

The find a table near a window so Akaashi can look out at the sky. It’s still snowing softly, and the clouds seem so close since they’re a few stories up. He’s distracted by his phone vibrating with a message.

[ **Kuroo** ]: That was smooth earlier.

Akaashi gives a small snort before looking back at Kuroo. “You’re right here.”

Kuroo looks over to Bokuto who’s happily sipping on the drink Akaashi had ordered from him, mouth in a smile as he sips, bouncing side to side in the chair, and eyes closed in pleasure.

Akaashi gives a smile before shaking his head and looking back out the window.

_I love these dorks. I really do._

“Thank you for going out with me today. I’m having a nice time.”

**. . .**

“Keiji, we’ve been thinking.”

They’re at the kitchen table all stretched out relaxing and drinking hot tea after getting back from spending most of the day out. Akaashi’s eyes flicker up. Kuroo had that tone of voice parents got when they were about to dump bad news on you. That blood curdling tone that perfectly encompassed the “we need to talk” vibe that instilled terror in every living being and kicked their fight or flight instincts immediately into overdrive.

_Oh no._

“That’s surprising.”

Kuroo stares back at him, unwavering. Bokuto shuffles closer to him, wrapping his arms around Akaashi’s waist and resting his chin on his shoulder.

“How would you feel about seeing a psychologist?”

_I knew it. You think I’m crazy. You’ve been playing nice to get me comfortable before you commit me forever._

“No.”

Bokuto stiffens around him. “You don’t have to. It might help, though.”

“I said no.”

“Why not?” Kuroo’s voice cuts from across the table.

“Tetsu!” Bokuto chides before squeezing Akaashi tighter so he can’t make a getaway.

Akaashi closes his eyes and starts taking deep breaths to prevent himself from throwing the table or screaming at Kuroo.

“Keiji, you know I used to see a psychologist, right? Psychiatrist too. I haven’t had to lately, but I did when I was little and then after my mom died. There’s nothing wrong with it. They helped me a lot when I was unable to help myself.”

Akaashi stands up, pulling Bokuto along with him.

“I said no and that’s my final answer.” He looks down to Bokuto, eyes blazing. “Let go of me.”

He watches Bokuto’s heart break again. He’d already seen it happen so many times. Tears start to stream down his own face as he roughly removes Bokuto’s hands from himself.

Kuroo gets up and walks out of the apartment before Akaashi gets to his bedroom, slamming the door on his way.

Akaashi sits with his back against the door, crying. He can hear Bokuto crying in the kitchen and there’s no sign of Kuroo coming back anytime soon.

_I broke everything again. It was so good today and I just ruined it. Why do I do this? I’m just bad. I’m no good. I’m a bad person. I don’t deserve to be here._

**. . .**

Sunday afternoon Akaashi can hear Bokuto and Kuroo talking quietly over the TV.

_He’s back? Everything’s okay? Is this the end?_

He stays in bed until his bladder betrays him. He quietly peeks out to ascertain where they were and if he could avoid them. Judging by the feet hanging off the end of the couch, they’re both laying with each other. The sound of kissing confirms Akaashi’s suspicions.

_Good. Be together. Forget all about me._

He tiptoes through the kitchen and to the bathroom. There’s no cover to hide between the kitchen in the hallway but he hoped they were too busy paying attention to each other instead of noticing fleeting shadows. He knew he’d be caught from the sound of the bathroom door opening and closing but he wanted to avoid them for as long as possible.

When he comes back out, eyes darting to the front door considering running instead of going back there to face disappointed faces, Bokuto and Kuroo are still lying on the couch together. Kuroo’s on top of Bokuto and Bokuto’s slowly rubbing his back.

“Good morning Keiji.” Bokuto softly offers.

A muffled “morning Starshine” comes from Kuroo.

_Why are you speaking to me? Don’t you know it’d be best to ignore my existence? I can’t upset you if you don’t speak to me._

He gives a soft “morning” before heading back to his room.

There’s a thumb of a body hitting the floor followed by Kuroo groaning. Akaashi rolls his eyes as he closes his door behind him. There’s a scrambling followed by whispers and the sound of papers rustling. He manages to get back in bed before there’s a soft knock on his door. He doesn’t answer but it opens anyway.

“Heyyy.” Kuroo whispers, closing the door and resting against it, hiding a bunch of papers behind his back. “I just wanted to talk to you alone for a second. Is that okay?”

Akaashi shoots him a look. “Clearly you’re going to do it anyway.”

“Sorry.” He takes a step away from the door. “Do you mind if I get in bed with you?”

Akaashi gives him another unimpressed look before turning the opposite direction.

There’s a sigh and the sound of papers being set down. Kuroo slides under the covers with him and wraps his arms around him. He presses his forehead against the back of Akaashi’s head, his lips and breath brushing Akaashi’s neck.

“I’m sorry for just leaving yesterday. I was upset and anything I would’ve said or done at that point wouldn’t have helped. I knew Bo would stay here with you no matter what, so I left so I could clear my head. I don’t want to scream or fight you. I don’t want to do that with anyone. I’m just so frustrated sometimes I don’t know how else to outlet my feelings. I’m not like Bo. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him mad. You could set his house on fire and he’d still want to make sure you’re safe and ask if you needed anything.” He takes a deep breath that tickles Akaashi’s neck. “I love you and I want to see you get better. We all do. That’s why therapy was brought up. No one’s going to force you to do it. It’s just a suggestion.”

_A suggestion that will end up with me in the psych ward._

Kuroo knocks his head lightly against Akaashi’s. “No, it won’t.”

Akaashi jolts slightly. Kuroo’s mouth quirks into a smirk and he presses a quick kiss against Akaashi’s neck.

“It’s just to help. I know it’s scary but it’s one of the best ways to help get your brain to not bully you so much.”

Akaashi makes another small jump.

“Bo taught me that. He’s been reading up on depression and mental illness since he found your plan. He’s learned a lot if you have questions, not to mention first-hand experience with therapy and medication. I don’t have as much experience as him, but I’ve gotten a little reading done myself and have been soaking up everything he tells me. Did you know that a combination of therapy and medication is often the best way to help? That other people feel like you do? That you won’t be committed if you tell your therapist what happened or anything else?”

“Other people?”

Kuroo gives a hum and squeezes Akaashi a bit. “Yup. Unfortunately, other people experience things like you do. Depression is an illness but it’s treatable. You just can’t do it by yourself. You need other people and sometimes medication to help.”

“What about Koutarou?”

“Hm?”

“He used to see a therapist.”

“Yeah.” Kuroo kisses down Akaashi’s neck causing him to shiver. “Want me to get him so you can ask about it? He’s not going to hide anything from you anymore.”

Akaashi gives a half turn to give Kuroo a flat look. “Except for booze?”

“No booze to hide. It’s an alcohol-free house, remember?”

_You act like I’m an alcoholic._

Akaashi rolls his eyes before turning back around.

“It’s not that we don’t trust you. Alcohol is a depressant. One or two drinks are okay but anything after that is only going to make things worse. We’re abstaining until you’re in a good place where you can drink too if you want.”

_You assume I’ll ever be in a good enough place for that._

“But you can talk to Bo about what therapy would be like. Yesterday, after I cooled down a bit, I did some more research. I know how you like facts. That stack of papers I have all talks about depression, mental illness, therapy, and tips and tricks that make it slightly easier. If you’re curious, you should look at them sometime.”

Akaashi gives a hum, not wanting to acknowledge the papers. If he acknowledged their existence it would be the same as admitting something was wrong with him.

“I know it’s scary. And its things you don’t want to hear. Things you don’t have the energy to deal with. But you can feel better. I know you can because you’re strong.” He kisses the back of Akaashi’s neck. “And stubborn as hell.” He kisses him again.

_I’m not strong. Not at all._

“I really am sorry for leaving yesterday. I want you to know I’m here for you.” He gives another kiss and holds him tighter. “We both are. You know that, right?”

“I know.”

_Though I still don’t understand why._

Kuroo kisses his neck again and rubs his hand over Akaashi’s stomach. “That’s all I wanted to say. Did you want to be alone or talk to Bo?”

“Can I talk to Koutarou alone for a bit?”

“Of course.” Kuroo kisses his neck again. “I proud of you, by the way. I know this isn’t easy.”

_Everyone keeps saying that. There’s nothing to be proud of._

Kuroo leaves without another word. Him and Bokuto talk in the living room for a few minutes before there’s a soft knock on the door and Bokuto pops his head open.

“You wanted to see me?”

Akaashi furrows his eyebrows and turns to give him a trepid smile. “I’m not your boss nor are you in trouble.”

Bokuto’s face lights up and he gives a small laugh. He quickly closes the door before getting into bed behind Akaashi and snuggling up against him.

“Tetsu apologize?”

“Hm. Yeah. It was weird.”

“Pfft. He was scared.”

Akaashi gives a frown at that. “Why?”

“He collapses under pressure. He mention embarrassing himself in class the other day?”

Akaashi gives a hum.

“He was being grilled repeatedly by the professor. He knew the information, I know he does. He studies all the time and has a great memory. But, that much at once made him freeze up and look like he hadn’t prepared enough for class.” He shakes his head softly. “His program is fast-paced and competitive. It’s like a sin to not prepare for class.”

“I didn’t know that about him.”

“That’s cause he’s good at hiding things. That smirk fools everyone. He might be even better than you at keeping secrets.”

Akaashi turns to give Bokuto a flat look. “Really, now?”

“Unfortunately, yes. You at least show signs that somethings wrong. You get upset.” Bokuto frowns. “He smirks all the time and make you think he’s perpetually content even when things are a mess. He’s honest with you if you ask, but first you have to know somethings wrong. I’m decent at reading him since we’ve been inseparable since we were little but Kenma’s still way better. I’m worried about him right now. He’s acting like everything’s okay and it’s not. Except for a few exceptions.”

Akaashi’s body goes rigid.

_It’s my fault._

“It’s not your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong.” Bokuto runs his hand along Akaashi’s arm. “He just doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions. Hence, why he had to leave yesterday.”

“I’m starting to think I’m dating mind readers.” Akaashi mumbles back.

Bokuto gives a loud, boisterous laugh and squeezes Akaashi tightly. “I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on in your head for months and I was almost too late. I’ve finally been given all the clues, so it’s getting easier to figure things out. I’m no mind reader, though. Which is why we brought therapy up. Tetsu said you wanted to ask me about it?”

Akaashi gives a hum. “Just tell me about it and what it’s like for now. Tell me why.”

“Hmm. Okay.” Bokuto hums for a bit and rubs his arm some more. “A psychologist is kind of like a thought doctor. At least mine was. There’s different types of therapy though. Most do cognitive psychology dominantly now, but there’s also quite a few who practice more psychodynamic approaches, where they utilize different therapies. You tell them what you think, and your fears and stuff and they challenge it. Oh! But only on stuff you want to. They can’t treat you for things you don’t agree to.

It’s like-. Think about it if your brain is a computer. Cliché, I know, but go with me here. A computer can run its own virus checks to help fix itself. Sometimes, that’s not good enough. You’re missing the wrong parts or there’s been damage to it that it’s not capable of fixing itself like external damage or malicious software installed. That’s when you call someone else to come fix it.”

“That’s a good analogy, Koutarou.” Akaashi gives a soft smile.

“Thanks! But, yeah. So, talking helps. You’re not going to be judged and they’ll ask questions to challenge the way you think. I’ve been reading, and apparently the brain is just an asshole that sometimes needs to be questioned like that. If you think something long enough it becomes true for you even though it’s not. Depression warps how you think. Screws up the coding or something like that. You can do medication too if you want. I used to take medication too until I could get in a better place.

But the first one you try doesn’t always work. Sometimes you have to try a few before you find one that works. It can take months. I’m sorry.” Bokuto squeezes Akaashi tighter. “I wish it were a magical instant fix, but it takes time. But you can do meds to help your brain produce the right amount of chemicals to help keep you happier. Therapy to combat the bad thoughts. Sometimes they also suggest things like meditation, exercise, or art therapy. You could do writing therapy since you like it.”

Akaashi gives a hum. “I haven’t written anything in months.”

“But you liked it once, right?”

_Did I? It’s so hard to remember._

“I. I think so.”

Bokuto nuzzles his face against the back of Akaashi’s neck. “I can get you an appointment with one of the therapists in the office I used to go to. If you want the same therapist as me, I’m sure they’ll accept you. Since they know me, I can tell them a little about what’s up, but they’ll need it hear it from you. They have to maintain confidentiality though, so they won’t tell me anything you say unless you give them permission. Or,” Bokuto pauses, “if you threaten to harm yourself. Or others, technically, although I know you wouldn’t. But if you say you’ve attempted and still have suicidal thoughts, they won’t tell me or call anyone. That’s why some people need to come see them, after all. They just want to help. That’s why they get into that field.”

Bokuto takes a deep breath, waiting to see if Akaashi will give an answer.

“Once you’re there, you’ll have to sign some papers agreeing to be treated. For the first day, they’ll ask you some basic questions, why you’re there, what your goals are, and if you have any concerns or questions. They can’t make you do anything, but they can give suggestions on how to help you achieve your goals and get to where you want to be. They try to help empower you. They won’t judge you, lock you up, or give up on you. I can’t be in therapy with you, but I can go with you to the office. I, uh, was also considering doing some therapy myself.”

Akaashi’s heart jolts.

_It’s my fault. It’s my fault. It’s my fault._

“No, it’s not. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Bokuto nuzzles against his neck and gives him a kiss.

_Don’t lie to me._

“It’s nearing the second year of my mother’s death and I’m afraid of graduate school. I won’t lie, seeing you dying in my arms was heartbreaking too. That’s part of why I think I need to go back, but it’s not all. I’ve been thinking a lot about when I was young too. I’m not ashamed to go back. I want to keep living as I am now. Sometimes I just need some help. It’s okay to ask for help. We can’t do everything by ourselves. I don’t know if I should say this, but Tetsu agreed to go to therapy if you go too.”

_Both of them are broken because of me._

“His is mostly because of his parents, though. All this has been hard on him, but he’s needed therapy for years now to help him heal.”

“His parents?”

“They weren’t nice people. Not in the sense like your parents aren’t nice either.”

“Oh.” Akaashi clutches the sheets.

“Told you he’s a good liar. I wouldn’t know if I didn’t grow up with him. It was hard to hide things like that since we were inseparable and, well, naked together a lot. Most people don’t know. He doesn’t speak about them and he’s gotten rid of most the giveaway signs for that sort of thing.”

Akaashi can feel the tears running down his face. He turns to face Bokuto and buries his face against his chest.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” Bokuto rubs his back. “While we’re on it though,” Bokuto gives a small groan, “what about your parents?”

“What about them? I’m not telling them.” Akaashi pushes back slightly

“I know. I didn’t expect you’d want to. But, you haven’t talked to them since you were there for Christmas, and you’ve withdrawn from school. Plus, they’re under the impression that you’d be working for your father soon too. And maybe moving back in? You never really clarified if that was their plan for you or not. They’re going to want to talk to you eventually.”

“I don’t want to talk to them.”

“I know, I know.” He wraps Akaashi into a hug. “You don’t have to tell them what happened. You don’t owe them an explanation for anything. If you want to cut ties, that’s okay. If you want to try to save your relationship though, it may be best to at least let them know you’re not coming. Or at least easier. Then you won’t have to deal with unresolved feelings festering inside you. You don’t have to contact them. Just like you don’t have to do therapy. It’s just something you may want to consider. We’re all here for you no matter what you choose. Oikawa will help cover for you if you can’t deal with your parents.”

“Koutarou?”

“Hm?”

“Why did Tetsurou say he wants to marry me? Why would he want to do that if his parents were shit? Why would he want to be with me like that? I understand that he’d want to be with you, but-”

_There’s no place for me here._

Bokuto gives him a kiss on the forehead. “Because you, Tetsu, and I aren’t his parents. He and I have both loved you since we met you.” He gives a soft smile and moves his hand to massage Akaashi’s earlobe. “He’s been hiding it from the beginning, the deceitful bastard.” He gives a chuckle. “But, he means it and so do I. You don’t have to worry about anything like that right now, though. Just focus on recovering.” He places another kiss on Akaashi’s head.

“Can we go to your bed?”

“Sure.”

Bokuto starts to pull away to get up, but Akaashi stops him.

“Thank you. For everything.”

A genuine smile that reaches his eyes and lights the room up, spreads across his face. “For you, anything!”

Outside of his room, Akaashi shoos Bokuto away so he can get Kuroo himself. Kuroo’s on the couch watching TV looking anxious, one leg bouncing repeatedly, but arms draped over the back of the couch making him appear to be relaxed. Akaashi silently creeps up behind him on the couch, wraps his arms around him in a hug, and rests his head against Kuroo’s neck.

Kuroo jumps a little at his touch but raises a hand up to touch Akaashi’s arm. “Hey, Starshine. Good talk?”

“It was okay. He didn’t offer me a yacht or a private island, though.” He hums and pulls away slightly. “Come lay down with me and Koutarou?”

Kuroo leans his head back on the couch to look at him and gives a smirk. “You know you never have to ask me to get in bed with you.”

“They why did you make me ask?” Akaashi pinches his nipple before following Koutarou to his room. Looking at an already mostly naked Koutarou in bed, he frowns. “I want to be naked too, but I don’t want my arms out.”

“I have a solution for that!” Bokuto cheers before digging in his bedside drawer. He pulls something that looks like black socks from the drawer and holds them out to Akaashi. “Compression bandages! It’s just big enough for your forearms and you should be able to sleep in them if you really want.” He gives another big grin. “Oh! But don’t wear them all the time. It’s not good for you.”

_When the hell did he even get these?_

“Thank you, Koutarou. I’ll be right back.”

“You don’t have to go. You don’t need to hide from us.”

Akaashi’s heart tugs, not wanting to leave. “I’ll be right back.” He turns to leave and bumps into Kuroo.

“Sorry, love.” He gives him a quick kiss on the head before moving out of the way.

Behind his closed door, he strips and slides the fabric over his arms. It’s tight and not necessarily the most comfortable, but it’s a million times better than being naked with a long-sleeved shirt on. He could walk around shirtless again. He might even feel comfortable getting intimate with his boyfriends like this. He longed to feel close to them more than just emotionally.

He slips back into Bokuto’s room and craws in the space between his boyfriends.

“You like them? Comfortable?”

“I do. Thank you, Koutarou.” Akaashi runs one hand across Bokuto’s face, wraps one leg around his hip and gives him a kiss.

Bokuto’s instantly hard against him and presses back into his kiss, pushing him on his back slightly, rearing to go. He runs one hand to Akaashi’s hip and rubs it.

Akaashi gently pushes him back to his side and pulls away from him. “You had your chance the other day,” he teases with a smirk before turning around to Kuroo.

He’s already passed out, though.

Akaashi shuffles down in the bed so his head is resting under Bokuto’s chin.

Bokuto wraps his arms around him and gives a low whistle. “The man who can’t sleep through birds chirping is asleep with us rolling around in bed with him. He must be pushing himself too hard.”

Akaashi runs his fingers over the bags under Kuroo’s eyes.

“You should give him a good morning blowjob. He loves those.”

“You’d know from experience, wouldn’t you?” Akaashi rolls his eyes. “I’m not doing that Koutarou.”

“Then we could give each other blowjobs? He’d also love to wake up to us having sex.”

“And here I used to think Kuroo was the worst. You’ve officially claimed the title.”

“Awww.” Bokuto’s hand traces down Akaashi’s stomach, into his underwear, and half-heartedly strokes him. “If I’m the worst, then why are you still hard? You got a thing for bad boys or something?”

“The worst thing you’ve ever done is get kicked out of stores because you’re too loud.”

“I-“ Bokuto pauses, trying to think of another instance that might make him a bad boy.

Akaashi shuffles down some more so he can see Bokuto’s face while he thinks. “Come on, you hardened criminal. Let’s let this sleepy cat get his cat nap in.”

“We’re going to your room then?” Bokuto raises his eyebrows suggestively while sliding out of bed.

Akaashi slides out of bed carefully, trying to not wake Kuroo or become his imprisoned cuddle companion since even he wasn’t ready to sleep. Out of bed, he gives Bokuto a light pat on the cheek. “Do you have a thing for having forearms only covered?” He gives a smirk and walks away before Bokuto can process what he’s said.

“No!” Bokuto whisper shouts back. He follows Akaashi out and shuts the door as gently as possible. He grabs Akaashi in another embrace. “I just miss you. And I miss being together. Like. That.” He trails off while making a face. “It sounds stupid when I say it aloud. Let’s just say I feel close to you during sex and I like to see you being open with me instead of hiding how you feel.”

Akaashi gives him a flat look.

Bokuto rolls his head. “Fine. And also, it feels great.”

“Finally, some honesty.”

“No!” He shouts in excitement before evaluating his words. “I mean yes? But no? I’ve only ever kept three things from you and you know them all now. Well, four if you count the whole thing with Hatsuharu. And I don’t like having sex with you _only_ because it feels good.”

“I find it hard to believe you’re even capable of lying. Your acting skills are shit.” Akaashi takes both of Bokuto’s hands and slowly walks backwards to his room, leading Bokuto.

“If you wanted to nap, why didn’t we stay with Tetsu?”

“I didn’t say anything about napping.”

“Oh?” Bokuto’s eyes light up and a smile spreads across his face.

“I didn’t say anything about that either.”

“Oh.” His smile vanishes.

Akaashi snickers and leads Bokuto into his room before closing the door behind him. He pushes Bokuto into a sitting position on the bed and straddles him, hands in his hair and lips brushing against lips.

“You know, the first time I thought about us having sex, it was in this position.”

Bokuto’s eyes widen. “Now that is just a secret you should’ve never kept from me.”

“Hm. I’m telling you now.” Akaashi shrugs before leaning over to nip Bokuto’s ear.

“Well,” Bokuto runs a hand to Akaashi’s lower back and bites his collarbone, “if you want to live that fantasy, I’m game.”

Akaashi pulls away to where he can see Bokuto’s face and gives a smirk. “Finally willing to put out for me?”

“I think you just officially took the crown for being the worst.”

“Befitting for me.” He shrugs before climbing off Bokuto’s lap and searching in his nightstand. “Did Kenma tell you to put this here too?” He asks, eyebrow raised, as he turns around with lube and a condom.

Bokuto’s lost his underwear in the few seconds it took Akaashi to find things. “Tetsu and I made the executive decision there.”

“Good choice.”

He throws the lube and condoms on the bed beside Bokuto and slips out of his own underwear. He gives Bokuto a kiss before climbing back on top of him, making sure to brush their cocks together in the process. One of Bokuto’s hands reaches around his back for support and caresses his lower back in the spot that makes Akaashi shiver. Akaashi leans in to kiss Bokuto as Bokuto’s free hand fumbles with the lube. Somehow, he manages to get some on his fingers and snakes his hand under Akaashi, running his finger around his hole.

Bokuto gives a sigh and leans his head against Akaashi’s chest. “I’ve missed your body so much.” He kisses Akaashi’s chest and up his throat as he slowly slips one finger in.

Akaashi gives a groan and wraps his arms tighter around Bokuto’s neck. His cock is dripping with precum already and it’s making the friction of his cock pressing against Bokuto’s far too pleasurable. He pants a few times, his hips automatically working against Bokuto’s finger and against his cock.

“I’m not going to last long, Koutarou. It’s been too long.”

Bokuto sucks on his collarbone. “I’ll just have to make you come twice then.”

“Twice from you now, twice from Tetsurou later. I’m a lucky man.” He groans and thrusts his hips backwards as Bokuto inserts a second finger.

“I think we’re the lucky men.” He kisses Akaashi’s jaw while doing his best to simultaneously finger him and rub his lower back.

“Ahh.” Akaashi bounces on Bokuto’s fingers while leaning forward to press their cocks together more. He holds tighter onto Bokuto with one arm and reaches down to grab both their dicks and stroke them furiously.

Bokuto bites his neck hard before grunting a letting out, “Just do you”.

Akaashi barely comprehends what Bokuto says but releases Bokuto and strokes himself rapidly instead. Bokuto inserts his third finger and brushes his prostate. Akaashi lets out a cry before coming on Bokuto’s stomach.

He wraps both arms tightly around Bokuto’s shoulders again, painting, and rests his forehead against Bokuto’s.

Bokuto slowly slides his fingers out and grabs the condom. He gives Akaashi and himself some time to come down before sliding it on. He gives Akaashi a kiss on the lips and pulls him back in close against his body. In-between kisses he whispers, “You’re so beautiful, Keiji.”

Akaashi lets out a low whine before lifting himself up slightly and moving to position himself over Bokuto’s cock. Bokuto holds one arm around his back and positions himself to help. Akaashi slowly slides down Bokuto’s cock, whining and snapping his eyes shut.

“Koutarou, you feel so good.” Akaashi pants as he slowly lifts himself and slides back down on him. He locks Bokuto in a kiss.

Bokuto gives a whine and cusps his ass, spreading his cheeks apart slightly and pushing Akaashi down harder on him. He closes his eyes, panting, and gives another whine before throwing his head back. “Can I fuck you without the condom? I want to feel you. I want to feel closer to you. I’ve missed you so much.”

Akaashi lifts his hips up until Bokuto comes sliding out. Bokuto tears the condom off quickly and pours some more lube on his dick. He grabs Akaashi’s ass again before slowly lowering him back on himself. Akaashi groans and throws his head back.

“Enough lube?”

“Koutarou, please.” Akaashi pants, moving his hips, bouncing lightly.

Bokuto gives a groan, already twitching inside him. He closes his eyes and takes a few breaths. “I’m not going to last long but can I be rough?”

“P-please.” Akaashi whines, lifting himself up again.

Bokuto squeezes his ass before pulling Akaashi down hard on his cock. Akaashi gasps in surprise and then Bokuto’s slamming him down on his cock again. This time he lets out a loud guttural moan.

“Shh. Or do you want Tetsurou to hear?” Bokuto bites his peck before slamming him down again, making him bounce at this point.

“I-I w-want hi-im to ‘ear!” Akaashi moans out, arms and ass tightening around Bokuto. “M-make him wa-want to j-join!”

“My Keiji’s so dirty.” Bokuto slams him down on his cock hard a few more times, his cock rod hard now and begging to come.

“K-koutarou!”

Akaashi helps slam himself down on Bokuto’s dick a few times until he hears Bokuto grunt and feels him spill into him, pushing him over the edge untouched this time and coming on Bokuto’s stomach again.

Coming down from his orgasm, Akaashi lifts himself off Bokuto and collapses on the bed, Bokuto following suit behind him.

“Fuck.” Akaashi pants. “I hope I didn’t wake Tetsurou up because I need a break and a nap after that. Maybe a smoke too.”

Bokuto wraps his arms around him and gives him a kiss on the jaw. “I’m sure he’ll understand.”

**. . .**

After recovering, Akaashi quietly opened the door to Bokuto’s room. Kuroo’s still breathing deeply and clutching a pillow tightly now. Akaashi gives a frown.

_He must really be exhausted._

He closes the door softly before going to find Bokuto, who’s humming to himself in the kitchen.

“I’m going to go lie down with Tetsurou.”

“M’kay.” Bokuto gives him a kiss. “I’m going to shower and buy some food for the week then. Want anything in particular for dinner?” He gives Akaashi another kiss before resuming humming.

“Surprise me.” Akaashi cups Bokuto’s face with one hand. “I love you, Koutarou.”

Bokuto’s eyes sparkle and that huge smile spreads across his face. “I love you too, Keiji.” He kisses Akaashi again.

Akaashi kisses him back for a second before stepping away. “We’ll continue that some other time.” He takes a few more backward steps to his room. “Maybe you, Tetsurou, and I can all play together again sometime soon.” He gives a wink, reaching the bedroom door, hesitating long enough to see Bokuto’s mouth drop open in excitement before turning and going in without another word.

He crawls into bed and watches Kuroo sleep for a moment. It’s not often Akaashi sees Kuroo asleep since he’s usually awake at the slightest movement. He’s still clutching the pillow though and making no sign of getting up anytime soon. Unlike Bokuto, he’s a calm sleeper. He’d look dead if not for the sound of deep breathing.

Akaashi slowly pulls the pillow away from Kuroo and snuggles up against him instead. Kuroo’s arms tighten around him and he gives a contented sleepy sigh. Akaashi gives his hair a slight ruffle before embracing him as well and closing his eyes. Just as he’s starting to drift off, he hears Kuroo mumbling.

“Mm . . . Keiji?”

Akaashi’s eyes flicker open at hearing his name, thinking Kuroo had woken up. Kuroo’s not moving still and his breathing hasn’t changed.

“Yes, love?”

“Don’t . . . go.”

Akaashi’s heart gives a twang and he has to bite back tears.

_I’m sorry._

“I’m here, Tetsurou.” He rubs Kuroo’s back. “I’m here.”

Kuroo gives another satisfied groan before snuggling closer to Akaashi like the sleepy leech he typically is.

**. . .**

The next time Akaashi wakens, Kuroo’s still asleep and clinging to him, the TV is on in the living room, and there’s the faint smell of food from the kitchen. Akaashi runs a hand through Kuroo’s hair again.

_This is just impressive now. And concerning._

He stretches slightly, watching Kuroo sleep some more. The suns gone down and there’s not much light left. At Akaashi’s movement, Kuroo grips more tightly at him, unconsciously pressing his hard cock against him. Akaashi raises an eyebrow before slipping down and pulling Kuroo’s cock from his underwear.

He strokes him a few times before placing his lips on Kuroo’s glans, just letting his breath brush against him. He gives a small kiss before licking and placing the head in his mouth. Kuroo gives a small groan, starting to wake up, and shifts slightly to his back. Akaashi takes that chance to bob up and down on him and licking him, making sure his spit covers all of Kuroo’s cock. He brings one hand up to fondle Kuroo’s balls lightly.

“Five more minutes, Bo.” Kuroo groans before covering his face with a pillow.

Akaashi gives a small snicker before pulling off Kuroo’s cock, pulling his underwear off, and taking his balls in his mouth instead, sucking on them lightly and stroking his cock.

Kuroo gives another groan and thrusts his hips upward. Akaashi puts his lips back on the tip of Kuroo’s cock but doesn’t open his mouth.

“Please?” Kuroo groans.

Akaashi smirks against the head before deep throating his cock. Kuroo gives a loud groan and thrusts up into Akaashi’s mouth. He throws the pillow off his face and looks down to see Akaashi bobbing on his dick. Akaashi smirks around his cock and gives a small wave.

“Holy fuck! Keiij?”

Akaashi gives a hum and continues to deepthroat Kuroo. The combination makes Kuroo’s back arch and he thrusts slightly into Akaashi’s mouth. Akaashi gives another moan and grabs one of Kuroo’s hands, placing it on his head.

Kuroo grips his hair lightly and thrusts up slightly into Akaashi’s mouth again. Akaashi waggles his eyebrows at him and goes all the way down. Kuroo gives another moan before moving his hand to the back of Akaashi’s head where it wouldn’t hurt and grips his hair tighter. Akaashi stares up at Kuroo and slackens his jaw slightly, urging Kuroo to face fuck him. Kuroo takes the hint and starts steadily sliding in and out of Akaashi’s mouth, making sure to shove his cock all the way in.

“Mhn. Keiji. Fuck. Ahhh.” He throws his head back and grips the sheets with his free hand. “Fuck. I’m going to come.”

He starts to pull Akaashi’s head off his cock but Akaashi fights back. Kuroo shoots partially in his mouth before he can pull Akaashi off and ends up getting a little on his face. Akaashi only has time to wipe the come off his face before Kuroo’s pulling him up by the armpits and kissing him.

Kuroo gives another little groan before pressing his forehead against Akaashi’s and closing his eyes. “You’re making me want to propose to you again.”

“I’ll make sure to never give you a blowjob again then.” Akaashi smirks and slowly kisses Kuroo again. “Especially, to wake you up. It’s now forbidden.”

Kuroo whines. “Please don’t threaten me like that. I’m still trying to relive that in my head. I don’t want it to end.”

Akaashi gives a small snort. “Don’t let me interrupt then.” He starts to slide away.

“You’re not going anywhere.” Kuroo grips on to him tightly. “After my last brain cells come back to me, I’m going to fuck you until you’re the one proposing.”

“That’s very confident of you.”

Kuroo finally opens his eyes and smirks. “Pretty sure I’ve already told you everyone who’s ever dated me only did it for the sex. I’m _very_ confident.”

Akaashi presses his cock against Kuroo. “You’ll have to prove it to me then.”

Kuroo kisses Akaashi roughly and grabs his hair again before kissing down his neck. “You smell like sex already.”

“Koutarou and I did it a few hours ago.”

“How?” Kuroo purrs, pushing Akaashi on his back and kissing down him.

“I was on his lap.”

Kuroo slides Akaashi’s underwear off. “Rough or soft?”

“Rough.”

“Then I’ll be soft.” He runs his lips over Akaashi’s cock. “But that means this,” he runs his fingers over Akaashi’s hole, “is already wet and ready for me, isn’t it?” He grins before licking the head of Akaashi’s cock.

Akaashi gives a small whine and jolts his hips upward. His hole twitches, yearning for Kuroo desperately since it’d been months since they’d had sex. “I-“ Akaashi breathily replies. “I want you.”

Kuroo leans over toward the bedside drawer but Akaashi shakes his head.

“No. I want to feel just you.”

“Fuck, Keiji.” Kuroo moves back, places one hand by Akaashi’s head and the other on his hip. He presses against Akaashi’s hole and kisses him, slowly sliding into him.

Akaashi gives a sigh out, feeling Kuroo inside him. His cock is twitching and dripping. His mind is starting to go a bit fuzzy and he’s panting already.

Kuroo continues to slowly thrust in him, working his hips and kissing every inch of Akaashi he can reach. He’s panting slightly and looking like he’s seconds away from losing it. “Keiji. I love you Keiji.” He pants in-between thrusts while still working his hips as he slowly thrusts into Akaashi.

Akaashi gives a moan, relishing the sensation of Kuroo making love to him. It was slow but something about it make it so much hotter. “Tetsurou,” he uses his right arm to grab Kuroo’s hair and press him into an open-mouthed kiss, “I- mnghh”. Akaashi bites his lip and works his hips against Kuroo. “I’m going to lose it. Fuck me harder,” he whispers against Kuroo’s skin.

Kuroo smirks against him, pushes himself completely inside Akaashi, grabs one of Akaashi’s legs, and drapes it over his shoulder. He mouths over Akaashi’s chest before going back to slowly thrusting inside him, working his hips. “Hurt?”

Akaashi moans, arching his back slightly, and gripping the sheets. “More, Tetsurou,” he pants, rolling his hips toward Kuroo.

Kuroo slides in and out of him in that same slow pace, Akaashi whining for more. When he locks eyes with Akaashi who’s panting and unraveling underneath him, he starts to pick up the pace, making Akaashi moan out. Kuroo’s eyes flicker and he picks up the pace even more, still working his hips the best he can.

“Tetsurou!” Akaashi groans loud enough for Bokuto to hear in the other room.

Kuroo moves the hand that he’d been supporting himself with to Akaashi’s hip. He kisses the leg he’d draped over his shoulder before grabbing both of Akaashi’s hips and slamming into him vigorously. He’s got that animalistic look in his eyes and huffing for air, pounding Akaashi and pulling Akaashi’s hips toward him simultaneously.

Akaashi’s toes curl in the air and he tightens around Kuroo. Watching Kuroo fuck him without holding back and grunting from pleasure as he does, sends Akaashi spilling over onto his stomach.

Kuroo fucks him hard through his orgasm, grabbing Akaashi’s other leg and putting it over his shoulder as well, and banging him as hard as possible. He cries out in orgasm, eyes closed and gasping for breath. Coming to, he slowly opens his eyes, kisses each of Akaashi’s legs before setting them back down and slowly pulling out. He collapses on his stomach beside Akaashi and closes his eyes.

Akaashi gives him a kiss on the jaw and smirks at him. “You came unraveled there for a bit.” He runs his fingers softly along his jaw. “It was nice to see you lose control for once.”

Kuroo gives a small laugh, still panting with his eyes closes. “If you want to see me come undone then you should top me.”

“I’ve never fucked anyone before.” Akaashi frowns. “And I can’t really support myself to top.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll do everything. Just let me catch my breath and come back down to Earth first.”

Akaashi runs his nails down Kuroo’s back. “We don’t have to do that. You can rest and eat dinner.”

“Do you want to try?” Kuroo lifts his head slightly, eyes wandering over Akaashi’s face.

“I am curious.” Akaashi hums. “But you’re tired and it’s not like I can do much to help you. I don’t think you’d enjoy it very much.”

He leans in to give Akaashi a kiss on the lips. “Pretty sure I’d enjoy any sex with you. You don’t have to worry about a thing, though. In fact, if you like, I can tie to you the bed where you can’t do anything.”

Akaashi gives Kuroo a dark look.

Kuroo rolls his eyes and groans. “I proposed to you earlier. I’m not going to hurt you. Besides, even if I wanted to, Bo is in the other room and he would kill me or anyone else who so much as threatened you, as would I. If you don’t like it just shout stop or no or pineapple or something. If you like me and don’t want me to be murdered, you can just say stop in a normal speaking voice, though.”

“O-okay.” Akaashi nods lightly. “You’re sure?”

“Hell yeah. I bottom when it’s me and Bo. This isn’t exactly a new experience for me.” He closes his eyes, steading his breath more. “Just give me a second. I think you killed me with that last orgasm.”

Kuroo pulls Akaashi closer to him to cuddle. He latches on to him for several minutes before rolling out of bed and searching Bokuto’s dresser drawers for treasures. He hums, riffling through, deciding what he wanted to use.

“Why do I get the feeling there’s an entire sex shop hidden in this apartment?” Akaashi lifts his head lazily to watch Kuroo.

“There’s not a _whole_ sex shop here,” Kuroo trails off, “half of it’s at my place.”. He hops up grinning and produces four fabric handcuffs with straps attached. “Scooch to the middle of the bed.”

Akaashi eyes him warily but does as commanded. Kuroo lightly wraps a cuff around one of Akaashi’s ankles and ties it to the corner of the bed. He repeats the process with the other ankle before looking up to Akaashi.

“Still okay?”

Akaashi gives a small nod, getting a bit nervous.

“You okay with me doing your arms too? Or you want to see if it’ll hurt first?”

Akaashi pauses, mentally racking his brain for an answer. “Do my right so I can see if it’s going to hurt.”

Kuroo cuffs him tight enough to hold him but not enough to hurt. “What do you think?”

Akaashi tugs at it lightly. There’s a small sting but as long as he didn’t pull too much, it’d be fine. “I think just this arm.” He gives a frown. “That’s okay, right?”

Kuroo laces his fingers with Akaashi’s left hand and kisses his wrist. “You’re perfect, babe.” Akaashi pouts at him, but before he can object, Kuroo’s hopped up and is digging in the drawer again. He pulls out lube and a flavored condom. “Now it’s time for the show.” He gives a dramatic wink before throwing the condom on the bed beside Akaashi.

“Why flavored?” Akaashi frowns.

“You’ll see.” Kuroo smirks. “Feel free to touch me all you like.” He turns and bends over, his ass facing Akaashi. He pops the lube open, spreads some on his fingers, and slowly begins fingering himself. Instantly, he begins softly moaning, one finger moving easily inside him.

Akaashi’s eyes light up and he regrets letting Kuroo tie one hand already. He wanted to touch and help but Kuroo made sure to be just out of reach for that even though he told Akaashi he could touch if he liked. He gives a small huff. “Why don’t you let me do that? You said I could touch.”

“Because I’m giving you a show. It’s not touching time yet unless you want to touch yourself.”

Akaashi looks down at his hard cock. Touching it wasn’t something he needed to do right now if he wanted to last a second inside Kuroo. His eyes flicker back up to see Kuroo’s inserted his second finger. His cock twitches hungrily even though he’d already had sex three times today, not counting the blowjob he gave Kuroo.

Kuroo inserts the third finger and whimpers, not slowing down one bit. Akaashi tugs lightly at the cuff around his wrist, wanting to touch Kuroo, his whimper going through Akaashi’s entire body.

“Tetsurou,” he whines.

Kuroo pulls his fingers from his ass and turns back to face Akaashi. He gives a devious smirk before kissing up Akaashi’s thigh, nipping him along the way. He reaches out for the condom and tears it open before kissing up Akaashi’s other thigh. He runs his nails down Akaashi’s thighs before slowly pushing Akaashi’s dick in his mouth, lightly grazing him with his teeth, and bringing the condom down on Akaashi’s cock as he goes.

Akaashi groans, lifting his hips up into Kuroo’s mouth.

Kuroo smiles around his cock and pulls away, wiping his mouth, and adjusting the condom slightly. “Mmm. Blueberries.”

“Where did you learn how to do that?” Akaashi pants out.

“Oh, you know, I learned it as a party trick.”

Akaashi looks back at him bewildered before narrowing his eyes. “Thanks for reminding me about how many partners you’ve had. It’s a mood killer.”

Kuroo gives a snort and a smirk at Akaashi’s jealousy. “You and Bo are my only partners now and will be until I die. Besides, you’re the only person I’ve ever proposed to.”

“Uh huh.”

“It’s true.” He gives a smile before repositioning himself to where he’s straddling Akaashi and his hole is just brushing Akaashi’s cock. “How are you feeling?”

“Dying for you to touch me.”

“Words neither of us would dream that’d come from your mouth.” Kuroo smirks before placing both his hands on Akaashi’s hips and slowly lowering himself.

At the sensation of Kuroo’s tight hole hugging his cock, Akaashi instinctively thrusts his hips forward but Kuroo’s hold keeps him from moving too much. Kuroo bottoms with that cat with a canary in its mouth smirk on his face. He just needs a tail triumphantly waving behind him.

“You knew I was going to do that, didn’t you?”

“Yup. Feel okay?”

“I feel like I’m still waiting for you to unravel as I lay here trying not to hump you like a dog in heat.”

Kuroo gives a small grimace and nods slowly. “Something else I never thought I’d hear you say in a million years. But,” he lifts slowly up and slowly slides back down on Akaashi’s cock, emitting a low guttural moan as he moved, “as you wish.”

He interlaces his fingers with Akaashi’s left hand before slowly lifting up and forcefully slamming back down on Akaashi. Akaashi groans out in pleasure, but Kuroo, he was a sight to see. His kept his eyes shut as he bounced himself on Akaashi, mouth open declaring a string of swears and praises.

“Mhn. Keiji. My Keiji. You feel so good. Fuck. Oh, fuck. Ahhmn.” He opens his eyes to take in Akaashi, who’s panting, red faced, and tugging at one cuff, yearning to help Kuroo, to fuck him until they both passed out. Kuroo licks his lips before letting out a loud moan. “God, baby, fuck me.”

Akaashi’s eyes are lit up as he thrusts upward in the brief window he had when Kuroo raised up. He knew Kuroo had a nice ass, but he never knew it’d be like this.

“Ahh~!” Kuroo snaps his eyes shut again, bouncing even harder. “Holy shit. Mmn. Starshine.” He pulls one hand from Akaashi’s hip and starts to jerk himself off.

“Tetsurou,” Akaashi whines. “Undo my handcuff. I want to feel you more.”

Kuroo smirks and looks at him through half-lidded eyes before leaving forward to kiss Akaashi. “No can do, love.”

Akaashi takes the change in position to grab Kuroo’s hip with his free hand and thrusts into him.

“Ahmm~! You feel so good! Keep going! I’m going to come!” Kuroo moans against Akaashi’s neck still jerking himself rapidly.

Akaashi thrusts up and fast and hard as possible, loving Kuroo’s reactions. He uses what little strength in his hand he has to help push Kuroo’s hips downward on himself and bites Kuroo’s collarbone, fucking him as hard as possible.

“Mhmn! Keiji!” Kuroo moans loud enough for the neighbors to hear before spilling over on Akaashi’s stomach and himself.

Akaashi pounds into him a few more times before coming so hard he thought he was going to pass out.

Kuroo pulls off him, both gasping for breath and on the cusp of blacking out.

Akaashi catches his breath first, pulls Kuroo in with his one hand, and kisses him hard. “That. Was Amazing.” He kisses Kuroo again. “You’re so sexy when you’re crying out like that.”

“Ready to propose now?” Kuroo purrs, closing his eyes to sleep.

“It’s a consideration. It’s also a consideration that you may never top again.”

Kuroo gives a small pout at that but smiles anyway. “You don’t get a choice if I don’t untie you.”

“When are you going to do that, by the way?”

“After a small nap.” Kuroo smiles into a pillow and adjusts to sleep. “Also, there’s a safety release.”

**. . .**

When they finally emerge from the bedroom, cleaned up as much as possible without a shower, they find Bokuto sitting at the bar reading a textbook with headphones on. Kuroo goes to wash his hands and Akaashi gives Bokuto a hug from behind.

Bokuto flinches at contact before pulling his headphones off and smiling at Akaashi. “Have fun?”

Akaashi gives a hum. “We did. Tetsurou let me top.”

“Ohh!” Bokuto’s eyes sparkle. “Like it?”

“I told him he can never top again.” He gives Bokuto a kiss on the cheek.

Bokuto gives a giggle. “You know you can top me too, right?”

Akaashi’s eyes light up in possibility before exhaustion hits him again. “Next time. I’ll die if I have sex again today. Need rest. And food.” He kisses Bokuto again before staggering away to wash his hands to eat as well.

He ends up eating a lot that night. Well, at lot for him at least. Apparently, he’d worked up an appetite somehow.

“I’ll try one appointment.” He stares down at the bowl of rice he was eating.

“Really?” Bokuto gasps.

“On one condition.”

“Anything!” Bokuto eagerly yells and scoots closer to Akaashi, placing his hand on Akaashi’s leg. “What is it?”

“Two conditions, actually.” He frowns and sets his chopsticks down. “You’re going to have appointments too, like you said you were.”

“I’ve already got one for myself set!”

“What’s the second condition?” Kuroo asks warily, setting down his own food and frowning.

“You’ll go to a therapy session for yourself for every session I attend.”

Kuroo’s eyes widen and fear crosses his face before anger takes over. His head whips over to Bokuto. “What did you tell him?”

“Uhh.” Bokuto rubs the back of his head and looks toward the wall opposite of Kuroo. “Just that you’d go to therapy if he went.”

Kuroo growls back at him. “Don’t lie to me.”

“Tetsurou,” Akaashi sharply interrupts forcing Kuroo to look back at him. “Don’t be angry with him. Koutarou stands by your bro code. Do we have a deal or not?”

“Keiji.” Kuroo sighs and covers his face with one hand.

“You can take your time to consider.”

“Fine.” Kuroo sighs again and removes his hand from his face to look sternly, if not angrily at Akaashi. “I’ll go too.”

_Damn. I didn’t think he’d agree to it so easily._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, writing that first section: It started out with me wanting to call Akaashi a trust fund kid, how did it end up like this?
> 
> *This is something of my own personal experience that I’m not sure everyone with depression experiences. It’s kind of from a background of depression and abuse. The brain gets kinda warped and gets addicted to painful thoughts even though you hate them. I’ve searched for a word to describe this better but I haven’t been able to find one yet and I've only seen it described in relation to abuse survivors.


End file.
